Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,024
FXX presents Archer 1999.
2
00:00:29,938 --> 00:00:34,029
Woooooo!!
Rocket paaaack!
3
00:00:34,073 --> 00:00:36,272
You know how much fuel
you just wasted?
4
00:00:36,307 --> 00:00:38,904
I don't know. How much
paint did Michelangelo waste
5
00:00:38,947 --> 00:00:40,427
on the Sistine Chapel?
6
00:00:40,471 --> 00:00:43,952
Yeah, but when Mikey ran out of
paint, he didn't die in space.
7
00:00:43,996 --> 00:00:45,389
Well, let's just cross that bridge
8
00:00:45,432 --> 00:00:48,435
when we never ever cross
it because it doesn't exist.
9
00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,568
- Would you just trace the...
- Shut up, Lana.
10
00:00:50,611 --> 00:00:52,570
I'm trying to trace the signal.
11
00:00:52,613 --> 00:00:55,486
And it's right...
there.
12
00:00:55,529 --> 00:00:57,836
Nanotube-reinforced reactor grid.
13
00:00:57,879 --> 00:00:59,359
Man, if we can re-tune that,
14
00:00:59,403 --> 00:01:01,796
it'll sell for 18 months
of operating costs.
15
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:05,147
And, more importantly,
a sizable bonus for us.
16
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,149
First off, no.
17
00:01:07,193 --> 00:01:09,935
We badly need a restock
of Gran Classico.
18
00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,962
Second...
19
00:01:13,112 --> 00:01:17,682
And third, Cyril's picked up a...
What was it?
20
00:01:17,725 --> 00:01:20,641
I've got a class D ship on
a hyperbolic intercept orbit.
21
00:01:20,685 --> 00:01:22,948
- Yes, that.
- It's right there!
22
00:01:22,991 --> 00:01:24,471
For the thousandth time,
23
00:01:24,515 --> 00:01:26,255
we can't see you pointing.
24
00:01:26,299 --> 00:01:28,649
And why wasn't that
the first thing?
25
00:01:28,693 --> 00:01:31,086
Because I said
two other things first?
26
00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:32,610
All right.
We've trained for this.
27
00:01:32,653 --> 00:01:35,613
- Cyril, on guns. We need cover.
- On it.
28
00:01:35,656 --> 00:01:38,746
- Krieger, spool up hyperspace drive.
- Spooling.
29
00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:41,532
- Cheryl, get to your fighter.
- Lame.
30
00:01:41,575 --> 00:01:44,535
- Ray, you're still useless.
- You know...
31
00:01:44,578 --> 00:01:47,059
Pam, swoop in with
the gig, lasso the grid,
32
00:01:47,102 --> 00:01:48,539
and tow it to the ship.
33
00:01:48,582 --> 00:01:50,802
Pam? Pam.
34
00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:53,560
Pam!
35
00:01:54,893 --> 00:01:57,330
What?
I'm right friggin' here.
36
00:01:57,374 --> 00:01:59,898
I don't know. Maybe we got
attacked by scavengers,
37
00:01:59,941 --> 00:02:03,249
barely got out with the
power core, and... oh, right...
38
00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:05,425
I ran out of fuel
and almost died.
39
00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:09,429
- Something about a bridge...
- Who am I, Santiago Calatrava?
40
00:02:09,473 --> 00:02:10,430
- The shortstop?
- No.
41
00:02:10,474 --> 00:02:13,912
That's what I'm gonna call
my foot when it's gracefully
42
00:02:13,913 --> 00:02:16,654
yet powerfully suspended
up your ass.
43
00:02:16,697 --> 00:02:19,613
Look, I feel terrible, guys.
No more mistakes.
44
00:02:19,657 --> 00:02:21,833
I'll be the perfect
crew member from now on.
45
00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:24,226
Which is why you skipped
the debriefing?
46
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,054
I said from now on.
47
00:02:26,098 --> 00:02:28,448
And came directly
to the mess hall.
48
00:02:28,492 --> 00:02:30,058
I eat my feelings?
49
00:02:30,102 --> 00:02:32,278
- Amongst everything.
- Don't be a dick.
50
00:02:32,321 --> 00:02:34,672
Why would he possibly stop now?
51
00:02:34,715 --> 00:02:36,935
It's kind of a big part of my draw.
52
00:02:36,978 --> 00:02:39,285
Look, I just came down here
to get a leftover sandwich
53
00:02:39,328 --> 00:02:41,069
from that time we were on
Toba Station.
54
00:02:41,113 --> 00:02:43,332
Dibs!
Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs.
55
00:02:43,376 --> 00:02:47,119
Where are you, you beautiful...
56
00:02:50,949 --> 00:02:52,472
Aah!
57
00:02:59,740 --> 00:03:02,047
What the hell was that?!
58
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:05,494
That would be my sandwich.
59
00:03:42,244 --> 00:03:45,302
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
60
00:03:48,439 --> 00:03:50,615
What do we know about it?
61
00:03:50,658 --> 00:03:52,399
Well, apparently
it's allergic to compliments.
62
00:03:52,443 --> 00:03:54,184
And ate all our food.
63
00:03:54,227 --> 00:03:56,403
The food?
But that's what we eat.
64
00:03:56,447 --> 00:03:58,057
Where did it come from?
65
00:03:58,101 --> 00:04:00,973
Well, originally it was
a sandwich from Toba Station.
66
00:04:01,016 --> 00:04:03,323
See, you eat it while
it's alive and struggling,
67
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:05,151
but it was definitely
dead when I finished.
68
00:04:05,195 --> 00:04:08,198
- It must've regenerated.
- Be that as it may,
69
00:04:08,241 --> 00:04:10,635
we need a plan before
this gets out of hand.
70
00:04:10,678 --> 00:04:13,812
It laid eggs.
Weird, gross eggs.
71
00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:16,075
Cool, let me see!
72
00:04:16,119 --> 00:04:17,337
Uh, how many?
73
00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:19,644
I don't know.
Th-They're everywhere.
74
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:22,299
So we've got an alien on board
that's multiplying,
75
00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:25,563
no food, and scavengers
might still be tracking us.
76
00:04:25,606 --> 00:04:28,609
Anyone have an idea
that doesn't involve
77
00:04:28,610 --> 00:04:31,525
- us dying in space?
- I vote dying.
78
00:04:31,569 --> 00:04:33,440
Archer, Lana,
you go find this thing.
79
00:04:33,484 --> 00:04:36,617
Gillette, Cheryl, gather all
the scraps of food that are left
80
00:04:36,661 --> 00:04:38,184
to see if we can make
the next spaceport.
81
00:04:38,228 --> 00:04:41,318
Krieger, study the eggs.
Try to find a weakness.
82
00:04:41,361 --> 00:04:44,016
Cyril, Ms. Archer, keep
scanning for those scavengers.
83
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:45,365
Now, if you'll excuse me,
84
00:04:45,409 --> 00:04:49,658
I have to stride somewhere
with purpose.
85
00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:53,330
Wow. Now, I want to say
that's dumb,
86
00:04:53,373 --> 00:04:56,420
- because, well, Pam.
- Yeah, but that's...
87
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:59,249
- Actually...
- A good idea.
88
00:04:59,292 --> 00:05:02,121
So, if I were
to hypothetically suss out
89
00:05:02,165 --> 00:05:06,691
the military applications of...
Okay, yes, I see by your faces, yes.
90
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,823
Got it.
Won't do that.
91
00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:11,478
We're going to have
such adventures together.
92
00:05:11,522 --> 00:05:13,219
Yeah, that won't
come back to haunt us.
93
00:05:13,263 --> 00:05:16,788
I'll keep an eye on him.
And just kill that thing, Sterling,
94
00:05:16,831 --> 00:05:20,226
before Krieger uses it
to mutate us all into,
95
00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:24,061
let's say... space goo.
96
00:05:24,622 --> 00:05:26,624
I vote space goo.
97
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:28,278
- So, are you gonna...
- Shh.
98
00:05:28,321 --> 00:05:29,931
Shut. Shut your mouth.
99
00:05:30,095 --> 00:05:32,445
I will not let you ruin this for me,
100
00:05:32,489 --> 00:05:34,404
like you have
so many other times.
101
00:05:36,319 --> 00:05:40,018
I. Am. Ready.
102
00:05:49,288 --> 00:05:50,811
- Ya done?
- What?
103
00:05:50,855 --> 00:05:52,465
I don't know how to do
the volume on this thing.
104
00:05:52,509 --> 00:05:54,467
I said, "ya done?"
105
00:05:54,511 --> 00:05:55,512
Oh, got it.
106
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:57,209
I think so.
There's nothing left,
107
00:05:57,252 --> 00:05:59,037
and also I can barely move.
108
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,082
And that's gonna help you
catch this thing how?
109
00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,607
All of this, Lana,
is totally necessary.
110
00:06:08,166 --> 00:06:09,515
Actually, let's see where it is.
111
00:06:09,559 --> 00:06:11,735
I only have another seven,
eight steps in me.
112
00:06:13,171 --> 00:06:15,521
Huh. This says
it's within two meters.
113
00:06:15,565 --> 00:06:17,175
Which would only make sense if...
114
00:06:17,218 --> 00:06:19,525
Oh, screw you,
two-dimensional display.
115
00:06:23,137 --> 00:06:25,531
Aah!
116
00:06:28,491 --> 00:06:31,363
Hey! Hey!
Lana, it's friendly.
117
00:06:31,406 --> 00:06:34,627
Also laying gross eggs.
Pretty much constantly.
118
00:06:34,671 --> 00:06:36,499
And the cloaca blooms.
119
00:06:37,587 --> 00:06:39,980
And what does that mean,
other than that you now
120
00:06:39,981 --> 00:06:42,679
have a sideline
in Georgia O'Keefe sculptures?
121
00:06:42,722 --> 00:06:45,029
The eggs contain
self-healing DNA.
122
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:49,337
If I can isolate it, I might
unlock the secret of regeneration.
123
00:06:49,381 --> 00:06:51,905
And they called me mad.
124
00:06:51,949 --> 00:06:53,211
- Who did?
- Huh?
125
00:06:53,254 --> 00:06:56,997
- Oh, I guess I just assumed.
- Safe bet.
126
00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:59,913
So, do you want the bad news?
127
00:06:59,957 --> 00:07:03,656
- Or the what?
- Uh, there is no other news.
128
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:07,442
- Then why did you ask?
- Rhetorical effect?
129
00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:09,444
Well, it stopped us
in our tracks, Cicero,
130
00:07:09,488 --> 00:07:11,490
so mark it as ineffective.
131
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,274
Look, we don't have
enough food to make it
132
00:07:13,318 --> 00:07:14,754
to the nearest spaceport.
133
00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:16,626
Even if we carefully rationed
out the scraps here,
134
00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:17,844
we still wouldn't have...
135
00:07:18,889 --> 00:07:21,631
He... He's incorrigible.
136
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,807
- Damn it, Archer.
- What?
137
00:07:23,850 --> 00:07:26,026
He said there wasn't enough
food to make it to spaceport.
138
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:29,160
Nothing's changed.
So I accept your apology.
139
00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:32,076
Ooh! It's starting.
We'll tear ourselves apart
140
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,600
with suspicion and doubt
and then eat each other!
141
00:07:34,644 --> 00:07:35,601
I call first dibs.
142
00:07:35,645 --> 00:07:38,952
- To eat or be eaten?
- Whatever. I'm not picky.
143
00:07:38,996 --> 00:07:41,868
Better sharpen those chompers.
144
00:07:41,912 --> 00:07:46,699
- I am so confused by your tone.
- Me too.
145
00:07:46,743 --> 00:07:48,614
It may not come to that.
146
00:07:48,658 --> 00:07:50,660
Using the egg,
I may have found a way
147
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:52,618
to regenerate our cells
as we starve.
148
00:07:52,662 --> 00:07:54,717
It won't be pleasant...
149
00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:56,622
- But?
- No, I was done.
150
00:07:56,666 --> 00:07:59,799
Let me guess... there's a chance
it'll turn us into space goo?
151
00:07:59,843 --> 00:08:02,410
No! Well, yes.
Actually, it's pretty likely.
152
00:08:02,454 --> 00:08:03,803
How'd you know that?
153
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:06,545
Because it's always
space goo with you.
154
00:08:06,589 --> 00:08:08,852
- Well, not just that.
- We should eat the eggs.
155
00:08:08,895 --> 00:08:10,331
Oh, these hook-covered,
evil-smelling
156
00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:13,465
pus sacks that just happen
to be the property
157
00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:16,729
- of my new best friend?
- But they make you feel amazing!
158
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,253
Oh, God.
159
00:08:19,297 --> 00:08:21,081
But you didn't even
know we were out of food.
160
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,692
So when did you
start eating those?
161
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:25,392
Pretty much immediately.
162
00:08:33,716 --> 00:08:36,153
So, not to start
this off on the wrong foot,
163
00:08:36,197 --> 00:08:38,329
but I'm thinking
of eating your feet.
164
00:08:38,373 --> 00:08:40,157
When I said we had
to consider our options,
165
00:08:40,201 --> 00:08:41,855
- this is not what I meant.
- Well, I didn't hear
166
00:08:41,898 --> 00:08:43,465
anyone else
suggesting anything.
167
00:08:43,509 --> 00:08:46,947
- Because you told me to shut up!
- And here you are, talking.
168
00:08:46,990 --> 00:08:50,037
I meant something that leaves
us with the right number of feet.
169
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,344
Lana, it's offensive to call
it "the right number of feet"
170
00:08:53,388 --> 00:08:54,933
when those lacking limbs are
171
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,827
- valuable members of society.
- Hey, yeah.
172
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,481
It's also why you should
let me eat your feet.
173
00:08:59,525 --> 00:09:03,529
This seems productive.
Shouldn't you be scanning?
174
00:09:03,682 --> 00:09:04,857
I think Cyril's on that.
175
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:07,207
- Not on that.
- And clean yourselves up.
176
00:09:07,251 --> 00:09:10,014
You go a few days without food,
and suddenly you look
177
00:09:10,015 --> 00:09:13,866
like a pack of Okies
matted with wet dirt.
178
00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:15,520
Uh, it's called mud,
179
00:09:15,564 --> 00:09:17,609
and why is it that you
don't care about starving?
180
00:09:17,653 --> 00:09:20,119
Oh, I've trained myself
to live on a liquid diet.
181
00:09:20,154 --> 00:09:21,265
I guess that's
the upside of having blood
182
00:09:21,308 --> 00:09:25,095
- that's basically formaldehyde.
- So you're essentially pre-embalmed.
183
00:09:25,138 --> 00:09:26,618
Okay, look, we're all hungry.
184
00:09:26,662 --> 00:09:29,708
Let's just calm down
and stop insulting Mother
185
00:09:29,752 --> 00:09:32,711
- until I think of a really good one.
- I'll mark my calendar.
186
00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:36,672
Oh, look... it's dreaming.
187
00:09:36,715 --> 00:09:38,891
Shouldn't we try eating these eggs?
188
00:09:38,935 --> 00:09:40,719
I mean, before
we drown in them?
189
00:09:40,763 --> 00:09:43,069
Not yet. Krieger says
they're loaded with all sorts
190
00:09:43,113 --> 00:09:45,768
of crazy chemicals
and God knows what.
191
00:09:45,811 --> 00:09:48,771
- Pam seems okay.
- Does she?
192
00:09:56,865 --> 00:09:58,911
Anyhoo, just hang tight.
193
00:09:58,954 --> 00:10:00,869
Krieger might have something soon.
194
00:10:00,913 --> 00:10:03,176
And for God's sake,
show some restraint.
195
00:10:05,091 --> 00:10:06,962
I must be pretty hungry.
Now I'm hearing things.
196
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,790
- Uh, that's not imaginary.
- Good.
197
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:11,184
'Cause I was about
to kick my imagination's ass
198
00:10:11,227 --> 00:10:14,013
for having terrible taste.
What is that?
199
00:10:14,056 --> 00:10:17,233
Sounds like a piano
double-crossed the yakuza.
200
00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:23,172
♪ Struck oil from the start ♪
201
00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:24,825
♪ But the real land
you stole was in my...♪
202
00:10:24,869 --> 00:10:26,827
Please don't say "heart."
203
00:10:26,871 --> 00:10:29,352
Start-heart is the lyrical
equivalent of light beige.
204
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:31,006
What is all this here, then?
205
00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:33,051
Hey, remember when
you said I was useless?
206
00:10:33,095 --> 00:10:35,140
Honestly, no,
but it does sound like me.
207
00:10:35,184 --> 00:10:36,359
"All this here then"
208
00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:38,535
is me finally finding
my true purpose in life.
209
00:10:38,578 --> 00:10:40,232
Didn't you come out,
like, years ago?
210
00:10:40,276 --> 00:10:42,191
Yeah, there's more to me
211
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,062
- than my sexuality.
- Eh.
212
00:10:44,106 --> 00:10:46,325
For example, my love
of musical theater.
213
00:10:46,369 --> 00:10:48,240
And that's distinct from...
214
00:10:50,068 --> 00:10:52,244
I'm writing what
I always dreamed of:
215
00:10:52,288 --> 00:10:55,378
A rock musical about
the Teapot Dome Scandal.
216
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:57,771
- That is the worst idea...
- Let me finish!
217
00:10:57,815 --> 00:11:00,818
- With some hip-hop elements.
- I stand corrected.
218
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,776
Please tell me it's not
called "Off the Dome."
219
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:04,387
Why?
Do you not like that?
220
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:06,780
Well, I'm proud of you
for pursuing your dream.
221
00:11:06,824 --> 00:11:08,130
Thank you very much.
222
00:11:08,173 --> 00:11:12,569
But you sure seem to have a lot
of energy for a starving person.
223
00:11:12,612 --> 00:11:14,614
- Come on, where's your stash?
- Be more specific.
224
00:11:14,658 --> 00:11:17,226
This room is basically
nothing but contraband.
225
00:11:17,269 --> 00:11:19,706
- Your food stash.
- I don't have any.
226
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,057
I'm just filled with
a glowing sense of purpose.
227
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,146
Now, if you'll
leave me to my art,
228
00:11:24,189 --> 00:11:27,062
I have to find a rhyme
with Mineral Leasing Act.
229
00:11:27,105 --> 00:11:30,152
The Crédit Mobilier scandal
would be much more compelling.
230
00:11:30,195 --> 00:11:33,416
- You take that back.
- Oh, come on. Union Pacific Railroad...
231
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:36,071
one of the central guys
was named George Train.
232
00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:38,943
- That writes itself.
- Nothing writes itself!
233
00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:41,119
Don't listen to them.
234
00:11:41,163 --> 00:11:43,295
Nothing but great calls, baby Ray.
235
00:11:45,210 --> 00:11:49,040
- God, these eggs are dynamite.
- Neurological dynamite, that is.
236
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:52,478
- Loaded with neurotransmitters.
- So what do they do?
237
00:11:52,522 --> 00:11:54,654
The human brain
is fiendishly complex.
238
00:11:54,698 --> 00:11:58,093
It's all neurons and
electricity and mushy parts.
239
00:11:58,136 --> 00:12:00,617
- So you don't know?
- We'd have to scan someone
240
00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:02,097
while they ate one
for the first time.
241
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:06,318
- But that could cause anything.
- Define "anything."
242
00:12:06,362 --> 00:12:10,431
Hmm. Insanity, memory loss,
death, or a sexual syndrome
243
00:12:10,432 --> 00:12:13,282
called brainaphilia
that I just now invented.
244
00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:18,504
So testing on a live subject
would be totally unethical.
245
00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:22,726
- Let's use Cheryl.
- Wait, were we considering anything else?
246
00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:28,166
- So, hitting the sauce pretty hard?
- It's not sauce.
247
00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:30,734
- I didn't think it was literally...
- It's marinade.
248
00:12:30,777 --> 00:12:33,084
Yeah. And that's how
that conversation ended.
249
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:35,913
Hey, the map thingy says
that we're flying toward
250
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,307
- the Fang Nebula.
- So it does.
251
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:40,352
Well, aren't there, like,
six overlapping wars
252
00:12:40,396 --> 00:12:41,527
going on there right now?
253
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:43,877
Why do people
rob banks, Cheryl?
254
00:12:43,921 --> 00:12:45,575
If I'm remembering this right,
255
00:12:45,618 --> 00:12:48,578
it's because the action is the juice?
256
00:12:48,621 --> 00:12:50,754
Because that's
where the money is,
257
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,712
and if we're
looking for salvage,
258
00:12:52,756 --> 00:12:55,106
you fly into the teeth of chaos
259
00:12:55,150 --> 00:13:00,416
- and howl at the shadow of death itself.
- So say we all.
260
00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:03,115
Greetings, Rat Racers.
261
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,552
How does it feel to follow
orders like robots,
262
00:13:05,595 --> 00:13:07,554
pawns in your own lives?
263
00:13:07,597 --> 00:13:10,687
- Cyril, what are you doing?
- Other than mixing metaphors
264
00:13:10,731 --> 00:13:13,212
into some kind
of smoothie-like paste.
265
00:13:13,255 --> 00:13:15,692
- As little as possible, muchacha.
- Why aren't you scanning?
266
00:13:15,736 --> 00:13:18,478
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Hold on.
267
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:21,568
Yep, all clear.
268
00:13:21,611 --> 00:13:24,832
We're in deep space.
Nothing's ever on the scanner.
269
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:29,489
It's all a scam to keep you busy
while they rob you of your freedom.
270
00:13:29,532 --> 00:13:32,666
Freedom to what, become
a human Jimmy Buffet B-side?
271
00:13:32,709 --> 00:13:36,779
- You mean awesome and underrated?
- No. Stop twisting my words.
272
00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:38,498
Lana, he's twisting my words.
273
00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:41,805
Can we just get to the point?
Cyril, did you find food?
274
00:13:41,849 --> 00:13:44,591
You bet I did.
Mmm, mmm.
275
00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:49,074
I came here to do two things:
eat eggs and nothing.
276
00:13:49,117 --> 00:13:52,991
And I'm not out of either.
Now get out.
277
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:57,734
- What is going on?
- I know. Why am I in the hallway?
278
00:13:57,778 --> 00:13:59,127
No.
That's not what I was...
279
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:00,694
Wait, did I just do what he said?
280
00:14:00,737 --> 00:14:04,176
Oh, no. He's the alpha.
He cares less than I do.
281
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:07,092
I-I don't want to live
in a world where Cyril's cool.
282
00:14:07,135 --> 00:14:09,137
So, you're not worried
that our crew
283
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,922
seems to be going insane
and/or starving?
284
00:14:11,966 --> 00:14:14,316
Listen to me, I'm talking
about something important.
285
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,058
My intrinsic dominance
over other males.
286
00:14:17,102 --> 00:14:18,755
You think he'd let me groom him?
287
00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:20,105
It's something about those eggs.
288
00:14:20,148 --> 00:14:21,932
This might be
the starvation talking
289
00:14:21,976 --> 00:14:24,283
or the fact that I don't like
the looks of your feet,
290
00:14:24,326 --> 00:14:26,763
but maybe we should
just eat the eggs?
291
00:14:26,807 --> 00:14:29,897
Everyone's acting weird, but
I guess they're not dead, right?
292
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:32,291
Yeah, so what's the worst
that could happen?
293
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,293
Dot, dot, dot.
294
00:14:34,336 --> 00:14:37,296
How did this happen?
I hate you.
295
00:14:37,339 --> 00:14:38,645
Yeah, and I don't usually
have a thing
296
00:14:38,688 --> 00:14:40,821
- for older divorced ladies.
- Hey!
297
00:14:40,822 --> 00:14:43,432
I'm kidding. I totally have a
thing for older divorced ladies.
298
00:14:44,477 --> 00:14:45,782
Not all the time.
299
00:14:45,826 --> 00:14:47,306
It's like a...
What's the drink called?
300
00:14:47,349 --> 00:14:49,656
Like a drink you drink
between other drinks.
301
00:14:49,699 --> 00:14:54,574
- Like aperitif, but not.
- God, Cyril's gonna be pissed.
302
00:14:54,617 --> 00:14:56,532
Not digestif, that's after...
303
00:14:56,576 --> 00:14:58,578
wait, you're sleeping with Cyril?!
304
00:14:58,621 --> 00:15:01,102
- And why would you care?
- I don't know.
305
00:15:01,146 --> 00:15:04,888
I guess, deep down,
I s-still care what you do.
306
00:15:04,932 --> 00:15:07,239
That's very slightly touching.
307
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:10,938
I mean, you're my ex-wife, Lana.
What you do reflects back on me.
308
00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:14,115
Oh, this from the guy that
just called me an intermezzo.
309
00:15:14,159 --> 00:15:15,986
That's it!
"Intermezzo."
310
00:15:16,030 --> 00:15:19,338
- That was really bothering me.
- This is a nightmare.
311
00:15:19,381 --> 00:15:22,254
Talking to you is like talking
to a very selfish rock
312
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:25,344
- with mother issues.
- Rocks don't have moms.
313
00:15:25,387 --> 00:15:27,302
Unless you count volcanoes.
314
00:15:27,346 --> 00:15:29,913
But speaking of things
that are hard as a rock...
315
00:15:29,957 --> 00:15:31,959
Great segue.
That was pretty amazing, right?
316
00:15:32,002 --> 00:15:35,484
Unfortunately, yes.
Round two?
317
00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:41,055
Does it bother you
that it's watching us?
318
00:15:43,623 --> 00:15:45,015
Why?
319
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:55,666
How long do you need?
320
00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:58,094
After that sexual Iditarod?
321
00:15:58,887 --> 00:16:01,019
- Two minutes, 15 seconds.
- Should we maybe discuss
322
00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:02,891
what's going on
with the ship and, uh,
323
00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:04,980
how we should
maybe do something about it?
324
00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:05,893
Now you've pushed it back
325
00:16:05,894 --> 00:16:08,635
to three with all that talk,
so might as well.
326
00:16:08,679 --> 00:16:10,855
I just want to look at it.
327
00:16:10,899 --> 00:16:13,336
Oh, my God, what's that?
328
00:16:13,379 --> 00:16:15,860
Huh.
I-I guess it was nothing.
329
00:16:15,904 --> 00:16:17,166
Oh, put a sock in it, Benedict.
330
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:19,255
You've fallen for that,
like, four times.
331
00:16:19,298 --> 00:16:21,605
At some point, it is your fault.
332
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,695
You're calling it... No.
I will not engage with that.
333
00:16:24,739 --> 00:16:26,828
Are you sure?
I've got a whole series of quips about it.
334
00:16:26,871 --> 00:16:29,265
We're under the influence
of something, right?
335
00:16:29,308 --> 00:16:31,920
I think we've just finally
discovered our true feelings.
336
00:16:31,963 --> 00:16:34,009
All the games can stop now.
337
00:16:34,052 --> 00:16:35,662
We're gonna be together forever.
338
00:16:39,035 --> 00:16:41,059
Yeah, yeah, we're egg crazy.
339
00:16:41,103 --> 00:16:43,279
Which explains why
we're setting sex records
340
00:16:43,322 --> 00:16:47,065
in both frequency and duration
and probably distance,
341
00:16:47,109 --> 00:16:49,851
- if they measured sex in that.
- So let's go talk to Krieger,
342
00:16:49,894 --> 00:16:51,853
figure out a solution
to our starvation problem
343
00:16:51,896 --> 00:16:53,855
and then get rid of these eggs.
344
00:16:53,898 --> 00:16:57,075
- Or we could just have sex again?
- Yup, probably that.
345
00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:04,953
- Krieger, I command that you scan me.
- I already am.
346
00:17:04,996 --> 00:17:06,824
Because I command it.
All is well.
347
00:17:06,868 --> 00:17:08,870
Huh, same
as Gillette and Cyril.
348
00:17:08,913 --> 00:17:09,979
Tough to see brain changes
349
00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:12,308
with all the background egg
in your blood.
350
00:17:12,351 --> 00:17:14,092
This scanner sees through clothes.
351
00:17:14,136 --> 00:17:16,529
- Why are we in our underwear?
- Why indeed?
352
00:17:16,573 --> 00:17:18,096
I did it because Pam told me to.
353
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:21,752
- Hey, me too.
- Patton couldn't lift these nuts. Hooah!
354
00:17:21,796 --> 00:17:24,624
My current hypothesis is
that these neurotransmitters
355
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,887
free you from mental blocks
356
00:17:25,930 --> 00:17:28,019
and let you pursue
your deepest wishes.
357
00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:30,282
- Leadership.
- Doing nothing.
358
00:17:30,326 --> 00:17:34,330
"Off the Dome."
And we're married to that title?
359
00:17:34,373 --> 00:17:36,332
Do you just live
in doorways now?
360
00:17:36,375 --> 00:17:38,725
Found this one nibbling
on a power cord.
361
00:17:38,769 --> 00:17:40,902
What are you, part Mynock?
362
00:17:40,945 --> 00:17:44,122
No. I was just trying
to tenderize myself.
363
00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:45,341
Now who's stupid?
364
00:17:45,384 --> 00:17:47,730
Can't believe we were
so wrong about you.
365
00:17:47,765 --> 00:17:48,997
Cheryl, can you step in here
366
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,684
- and put this in your mouth?
- Not gonna fall for that again.
367
00:17:52,914 --> 00:17:55,003
Damn it!
368
00:17:55,046 --> 00:17:57,092
- How do you feel?
- I don't feel any different.
369
00:17:57,135 --> 00:18:01,139
I mean, hmm, I kinda
want to blow up the ship,
370
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:02,445
but I always want to do that.
371
00:18:02,488 --> 00:18:03,881
There goes your theory.
372
00:18:03,925 --> 00:18:05,796
No, I think
this actually confirms it.
373
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,104
Because she has no impulse control,
the eggs don't affect her.
374
00:18:09,147 --> 00:18:12,585
- That's totally unfair.
- Whuh-oh.
375
00:18:12,629 --> 00:18:15,110
Seems these eggs
are also highly addictive.
376
00:18:15,153 --> 00:18:16,241
- No, they're not.
- That's ridiculous.
377
00:18:16,285 --> 00:18:17,242
- What, these?
These eggs right here?
378
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:20,811
Krieger, I think
it's time we took a walk.
379
00:18:20,855 --> 00:18:22,639
Ooh, I love secret plans.
380
00:18:25,424 --> 00:18:27,165
Oh, God.
381
00:18:27,209 --> 00:18:29,385
I just ejaculated dust,
382
00:18:29,428 --> 00:18:32,954
and I'm pretty sure it was
my own pulverized skeleton.
383
00:18:32,997 --> 00:18:36,305
- One more go?
- So, hey, guys.
384
00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:39,482
Ugh. I would act startled
but it would probably kill me.
385
00:18:39,525 --> 00:18:41,527
Turns out those eggs
are highly addictive
386
00:18:41,571 --> 00:18:43,399
and make you act out
your deepest desires.
387
00:18:43,442 --> 00:18:45,531
Yeah, that's kind of
where we came out on it.
388
00:18:45,575 --> 00:18:49,100
- So if you'll excuse us.
- Please, don't mind me.
389
00:18:49,144 --> 00:18:52,016
Do we mind? I mean,
I could go either way.
390
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,322
Yes, we mind.
391
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:56,716
And I mind that this ship is
doomed if no one does their jobs.
392
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,095
Oh, come on, it's...
393
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:02,374
- ...probably fine.
- But if this keeps up,
394
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:03,985
we're probably
gonna die of chafing.
395
00:19:04,028 --> 00:19:06,161
Pam also locked the ship
onto a course
396
00:19:06,204 --> 00:19:08,293
for the Fang Nebula.
397
00:19:08,337 --> 00:19:10,426
♪ I am Wyoming, I am home ♪
398
00:19:10,469 --> 00:19:12,994
♪ I am America,
I'm Teapot Dome. ♪
399
00:19:13,037 --> 00:19:16,084
God, wow, that is
cask-strength ear poison,
400
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:19,609
- but I'm still on the fence.
- Do you really want to live the rest
401
00:19:19,652 --> 00:19:23,004
of your short life in a world
where Cyril is cooler than you?
402
00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:25,049
We'll shoot the eggs into space.
403
00:19:25,093 --> 00:19:28,297
But only if you modify Benedict
so he stops laying eggs.
404
00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:30,054
He's my friend and he's staying.
405
00:19:30,098 --> 00:19:31,621
And I just realized
he's probably a she.
406
00:19:31,664 --> 00:19:33,188
There's no way for me
to know if I can even...
407
00:19:33,231 --> 00:19:35,233
He'll do it
or he goes in the recycler.
408
00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:37,192
But wait... what will we eat?
409
00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:39,107
I cobbled together a formula
from stuff on hand
410
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:40,543
and the regenerative DNA.
411
00:19:40,586 --> 00:19:43,241
It should provide enough
nutrients to get us to spaceport.
412
00:19:43,285 --> 00:19:46,679
- Really? Space goo?
- No. It's more of a slurry.
413
00:19:46,723 --> 00:19:49,639
Yeah, it's a goo.
414
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:54,035
All right, that's the last of them.
415
00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:56,211
- Took you long enough.
- Not engaging. Not engaging.
416
00:19:57,255 --> 00:19:58,561
Engage, MF-ers.
417
00:19:58,604 --> 00:20:00,780
You'll touch that button
when I say so.
418
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,652
And guess what?
I won't.
419
00:20:02,695 --> 00:20:04,828
- How did you find us?
- Uh, I tapped into
420
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,656
the shipwide surveillance system.
421
00:20:06,699 --> 00:20:09,224
Which, by the way...
pretty pissed about.
422
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,095
Look, we've got to get
rid of these eggs,
423
00:20:11,139 --> 00:20:12,575
and everything
will go back to normal.
424
00:20:12,618 --> 00:20:14,011
- No.
- Screw normal.
425
00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:16,405
You think I like being a courtesan
on a salvage ship?
426
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,642
- I have a postgraduate degree.
- What's it called?
427
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:22,466
- A Ph. Dong?
- That's what they call it!
428
00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:25,675
I just want to do nothing and
be happy and not get yelled at!
429
00:20:25,718 --> 00:20:27,503
And I'm good at being a captain.
430
00:20:27,546 --> 00:20:30,510
I want to take some initiative
without this ding dong.
431
00:20:30,579 --> 00:20:31,942
- Hey!
- Not you.
432
00:20:31,986 --> 00:20:33,944
Doing his stupid plans.
433
00:20:33,988 --> 00:20:37,034
So, what I'm hearing is you
want Archer to be nicer or,
434
00:20:37,078 --> 00:20:40,907
alternatively, we can die in space,
as previously discussed.
435
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,476
I'm thinking.
Ow, fine.
436
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,826
Jesus, your knuckles
are like filberts.
437
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,480
- Well, don't worry about food, because I...
- Christ.
438
00:20:48,524 --> 00:20:49,481
- Yup.
- You made space goo.
439
00:20:49,525 --> 00:20:50,866
- Space goo.
- Space goo.
440
00:20:50,919 --> 00:20:53,366
- Aw, my moment.
- Oh, my God!
441
00:20:53,395 --> 00:20:54,878
- Oh! Come on, man!
- Oh, the stench!
442
00:20:54,913 --> 00:20:57,185
What'd you use to make it...
human waste and garbage?
443
00:20:57,228 --> 00:21:00,275
- Hmm, not just that.
- Okay, I'm back on the egg side.
444
00:21:00,318 --> 00:21:01,450
Seriously? What about...
445
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:04,105
Wow. Okay.
That is powerful.
446
00:21:04,148 --> 00:21:06,846
- Cork it, electro-nuts.
- Whew.
447
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:08,848
L-Look, we're all happy.
448
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:12,852
Yes, maybe it's a shortcut, but
don't we deserve that once in a while?
449
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:15,290
Isn't it nice just to be together?
450
00:21:15,333 --> 00:21:17,118
To not worry about the future?
451
00:21:17,161 --> 00:21:20,425
Call it an intermezzo,
but maybe it's worth it?
452
00:21:20,469 --> 00:21:22,297
Ah, that was beautiful.
453
00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:25,474
But no, I will not gorge myself
on a highly addictive substance
454
00:21:25,517 --> 00:21:28,912
while we drift into a war zone while
listening to a shitty rock musical,
455
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,306
because it's insane and we will die.
456
00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,745
- Seize her.
- No, no, no...
457
00:21:35,788 --> 00:21:38,443
- No, no, no, wait!
- Hey, guys.
458
00:21:38,487 --> 00:21:42,317
Remember when you were happy?
459
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,493
No!
460
00:21:51,195 --> 00:21:53,023
- Why did you do that?!
- It turns out the eggs
461
00:21:53,067 --> 00:21:54,981
did unleash my deepest desire.
462
00:21:55,025 --> 00:21:57,158
It's to make you all miserable.
463
00:21:58,768 --> 00:22:00,378
Warning:
unknown vessel approaching.
464
00:22:00,422 --> 00:22:04,104
Cyril, what did we say about
the scanner, you colossal turd?
465
00:22:04,139 --> 00:22:07,695
- Hey, you said you'd be nicer to me.
- I never agreed to that.
466
00:22:07,730 --> 00:22:10,944
- Yes, you did.
- I obviously didn't mean it, Lana.
467
00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:14,958
Well, we're all gonna die.
468
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,829
- Thanks, Lana.
- How is this my fault?
469
00:22:16,873 --> 00:22:20,268
I don't know,
but it feels good to say that.
470
00:22:20,311 --> 00:22:22,487
Hey, guys, it's Captain Brett!
471
00:22:22,531 --> 00:22:24,707
Yeah, I've been tracking
you guys for a while,
472
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,405
and I thought you guys
might need some supplies.
473
00:22:28,754 --> 00:22:30,365
Wait, wait, wait, wait...
how do we know it's Brett?
474
00:22:30,408 --> 00:22:35,283
Ooh, hold on guys, I'm getting
something weird on my scanner here.
475
00:22:35,326 --> 00:22:37,023
Yeah, what are those?
476
00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:38,938
Oh, no. No, no!
477
00:22:38,982 --> 00:22:42,812
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Nooo!
478
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:54,866
Yep, th-that was Brett.
479
00:22:56,518 --> 00:23:01,013
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
38099
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.