Original subtitles

THIS FILM IS BASED ON REAL EVENTS

The things I'm imagining, the things that engage my attention,

are all taking place in some made-up metareality.

Let's say I fire up my computer

to order a tuned-up version of Alicia Silverstone

with major sadistic tendencies built in,

lower her age to 18

and extend her legs by 10 centimeters.

I want her to make me feel like trash, so I program her to have 6 PhDs,

tenure at MIT, the strength of Andrzej Golota

and a black belt in karate, then I click "Apply".

My doorbell rings.

There's a nude 18-year-old MIT professor with 6 PhDs right outside.

She kicks me in the gut, knocks me down, ties me up and gags me,

then spends 2 hours sitting on my head, smothering me in various ways,

breaking my arms and legs,

snapping my fingers like twigs and ripping off my nails.

I orgasm time after time, then convulse and die.

So that's what you need these computers for...

But I won't live to see this type of virtual reality come true.

See you, Maestro.

Later!

THE LAST FAMILY

This building has an incredible face!

Look, Zdzisio!

Do you see it, dear? Take a picture.

Personally, I prefer that head with the antennas.

I'm just saying that it looks interesting.

- But Zosia, I never said it didn't! - I don't think anyone lives there yet.

That's good! Maybe they heard that Tomek Beksinski is moving in!

Oh, Beksinski... He's been awfully lonely.

Good God... I keep telling him:

start going to lectures, you'll surely meet someone!

He says that getting up for his 8AM class

would cost him 2 whole days of life. Well!

To the top.

Does my breath reek?

No, sonny.

At least it's close by.

Oh, come on.

It's natural for a construction site to smell of concrete, plaster,

glue and smokes...

Tommy! What's going on? What's this?

Shit. The mark of the working class.

- Hi, Tomek. - Leave me alone!

Come in, please.

Lovely! It's going to be so nice here!

Concrete. I like this smell.

Good Lord, what is she doing by that window?

What are you doing there, you poor thing?

Look, Ma.

That's just pitiful.

- What's wrong? - I just got zapped.

Zapped?! But how?! I'll file a complaint...

Suits you right!

Fucking Warsaw, see!

Everything's still under warranty...

How are you going to handle living here alone, Tomek?

- I'm going back to Sanok. - But there's nothing there anymore...

- I'm not gonna live here! - But look at the gorgeous view...

Smash this.

See? It's fine.

It's been raining all day long.

Had to take an umbrella when I went shopping.

I'll check the barometer.

God, what a day.

- Are you all right, Ma? - I'm reading.

- Ma... - Zosia!

There! Over there...

It's okay. It's all right.

Come on, don't be afraid,

you'll go back outside safe and sound.

I just can't get anything done today.

My head's been bloody pounding since morning.

I'm still upset about Tomek.

He's going through this mental All Souls phase right now...

Want to take a pill?

I already took some, my heart's acting up.

You could go see him...

- Say you went for a walk... - In this weather?!

Or bring him a record...

I'm going, I'm going.

Jesus!

You scared the living daylights out of me!

- Do you want to kill me or something? - And you?

What time is it?

I've only been asleep for 2 hours! Have some fucking mercy, man!

- What are you doing here, anyway? - I broke your door down.

- I'll go get my tools and fix it. - I can't believe it!

- I knocked and rang the doorbell... - Bloody hell, this is my apartment!

I know. And I think you're right. But your mother's concerned.

You skipped lunch for the second day in a row.

I can't get any work done when the girls keep gabbing...

- Get it? - All right, fine.

If I had some gal here? What would you do?

In that case I'd be happy to beg your pardon and eat my hat.

Aren't you happy now?

I am, but I'm worried about your door and my shoulder.

The ache radiates all the way down to my fingers.

- You're concerned about me? - How could we not be concerned?!

We're not the monsters you might be taking us for!

Listen...

Listen, I need some...

Maybe a dog or something.

I feel I'm going to go bonkers out here.

Or maybe I could see a doctor...

I'll fix you an appointment. Oh, sorry.

Thanks, Pops.

- Thanks. Bye. - Bye...

Mother of God!

My first cat was all white. Her name was Justyna.

She was such a lovely little fuzzball.

She chewed through my video player's power cord and got electrocuted.

Eleonora... A big black cat.

She wandered out to the balcony, fell off

and died on the sidewalk in front of the building.

So I quit caring about animals.

I want you to talk to me like a human being!

Fuck! One of these days I'll bring a bottle of gasoline

and pour it all over your apartment.

We'll see if you keep sitting and staring at me,

or finally show a glimpse of human reaction!

I need a reaction! Shit, I need a response!

What am I supposed to do? Pitch an ashtray at you or what?

I remember

seeing a nude...

which looked perfectly terrifying

because it was stitched together, as if falling apart.

Just like this face.

It's not stitched together or falling apart.

- But it's covered up. - Yes, it's covered.

What about the landscape behind you? The cross - that means eternity, right?

And a shred of some living being. You can't tell me it's a happy picture.

It's not happy, but why would you call it tragic?

It looks like the aftermath of a tragedy.

I don't know...

Thank you. That'll be all.

Thank you very much.

- Thanks, Zosia. - Sugar?

- No, thanks. - Congratulations!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

We'll button this right up...

Let's go.

Yesterday I thought I was about to die.

I even dreamed about my funeral,

woke up in this little coffin... And today I'm just too alive.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't bother me none.

While we're on the subject...

Who'll be the first one in the tomb out of our household?

I haven't given it a lot of thought...

But our Tomek could end up buried first.

That's what I think too... but we'll keep it a secret.

A secret.

Where are my glasses?

There's never enough pepper.

Go slow and chew well.

I named this dish Beksinski's Delight and they picked it up already!

I eat like a pig. Spilled food all over myself, as usual.

Stravinsky was one hell of a sloppy eater,

he splashed food around the neighboring tables and loudly slurped:

"That's so good!"

Zosia!

What is this shit?

Not bad.

I'll take it.

Hi, Tomek!

Fucking Tommy-kins!

Lighting up already, eh?

It's my house.

I'll reheat this for you. Go on, sit down.

Get out of the kitchen, all of you! I'll cook on my own!

People should only get 50 years to live

before they're terminated with a lethal injection.

Enough with these utopian 19th century theories, already!

People in power tend to be men around the age of 50.

They wouldn't exactly let you give them a lethal injection.

So they shouldn't be in power! Fine.

But life isn't about what should or shouldn't be.

If it was, we'd be living in a perfect world. You've taken classes in dialectics,

so you shouldn't be this juvenile! Spouting these fairytale lines.

I know I'm 50, but that's not what pisses me off!

- Here. Just the chunky bits. - Fine...

Ketchup!

- This gets me wet. - Perfectly fresh.

At least he's not running around with a razor,

threatening to slice up his grandmas!

I only consider knives and razor blades in relation to my own wrists.

You ought to get into some classmate's slit instead.

- Maybe that'd disinhibit you some. - You go get into someone's slit!

Oh, stop it.

Such a serious father-son talk.

When someone's having love troubles or something,

the other guy tells him: go screw someone, it'll help!

People don't normally hang out their love troubles for all to see,

like "Hey, I'm having love troubles, come cry with me a bit".

It's enough to get a guy flustered! That's why folks resort to crude lines.

It's a tough-guy thing, not an attempt at actual advice.

What could you advise in that situation?

Turns out some people are capable of providing advice

without resorting to idiotic cracks!

Have I ever resorted to idiotic cracks with you?

I don't mean you, I mean in general.

I made this joke because I thought about the word "slit".

It's a popular expression, quite widespread in Warsaw...

Not just in Warsaw, dear!

- What are you going to do, Tomek? - I'm going back to sleep.

I can't see anything.

Sweet Jesus!

- Don't touch him! - Sweetheart!

Therapy will be over in 10 minutes.

Here's something for your trouble.

Thank you.

Jesus, Zdzisiek,

do you see it?

He's holding hands with a girl!

He looks so happy!

Sonny dearest...

Wait...

Sorry.

Yes...

What? What happened?

Wait, that's it?

- There's nothing more to it? - Tell me what else you'd like to try.

I don't know! There weren't any bells or fireworks!

Please, Helena, I beg you...

- You ruined it! - Are you on the Pill?

I don't know!

What did I do?

What's going on?

What did I do?

Helena, open the door. Do you hear me?

Open the door!

Open up!

If you want to drown yourself, do it in your own bathtub!

Fuck! This is my house. I'm the only one allowed to kill myself here!

Alert! Alert!

The Gestapo's coming!

Thank you.

Tomek draws near.

Please, Zosia, go sit in the living room with a crossword.

This isn't going to be a disaster!

Ma, turn on the TV and start reading "Life"!

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, Tomek.

May I come in?

This is your house too.

- Hi, Pops. - Hi, Tomek.

Mommy, come here for a sec...

I have a problem.

Helena locked herself in the bathroom again. She doesn't want to come out.

Dunno if she's drowning herself in there or what. I'm dead scared.

Go to your father. Go on.

- I don't want to be with her anymore. - Sure, sure.

Thanks, Mommy.

Jeez. I feel like an idiot.

I have a tape I wanted you to copy.

And on top of that I have those damn classes this week...

As far as I'm concerned, you don't have to graduate.

There's no point if you don't want to.

You could keep learning on your own. You're great at it.

Make a living teaching English.

Any idiot could graduate, so that's what I'm going to do.

I ordered those tapes for you already.

I'll bring them over as soon as they get here.

I'll spend the night.

Oh, joy!

Where is that... Ah, OK.

How about...

If the entirety of our family life and interaction

is going to consist of kicking right in the most vulnerable spots,

if that's going to be the extent of our intimacy...

I get it, Zosia.

But no one promised that family life would be sunshine and rainbows.

All right, the Church does promise that,

and the Constitution states that the family is the basic unit

of the Socialist society and so on...

But nowhere is it implicitly said that a family is anything but a group of people

who like and dislike each other in equal measure.

According to Jungian theory, every major one-sided emotion

goes along with its powerful,

suppressed opposite, which will eventually raise its head.

If you loved your mother or father as a child,

after a while you're going to feel like beating them up...

I don't know if that's right.

I've never felt this way.

I think I have.

Today's guest of our radio station's first Top Hits program

is the young Tomasz Beksinski.

Before the broadcast Tomek asked me to call him the Enthusiast -

an enthusiast of good music.

He's going to play us a new record from his massive collection.

For the first time on Polish radio

a guest will have the mic.

Good morning.

I'm Tomek.

Tomasz Beksinski.

I'd like to play the debut album of the British duo Yazoo:

"Upstairs at Eric's."

This is a brand-new record, of course, it came out some 3 months ago.

This British band was formed by Vincent Clarke,

formerly of Depeche Mode, along with Alison Moyet.

Let's start with the first track: "Don't Go".

- Attaboy! - Yes!

I'll be afraid to switch on the radio. It's a little amateurish.

I've been thinking about that man who's coming tomorrow. He could be important.

- I'll turn it up for you, Ma. - Thank you.

- I think it's him. - With a dame?

No, alone.

- Just stay calm, Zosia. - I'm calm.

- Please come in! - Good morning.

Come on in.

My name is Piotr Dmochowski.

I'm an attorney with a law firm in Paris.

- In Paris! - Zdzislaw Beksinski, engineer, M.Sc.

This is my mother, Stanislawa Beksinska. Retired Polish teacher.

This is my wife, Zofia Beksinska. She has a degree in Romance studies.

- Pleased to meet you. - Guten morgen!

- And this... is my firstborn. - Tomasz! Beksinski as well.

- Movie translator, radio show host... - An Enthusiast!

- A genius father and a genius son... - And the Holy Spirit.

Amen!

Come into the living room.

- Can I get you something to drink? - No, thank you.

- I don't want to be a bother. - That's no bother at all...

I've been a longtime admirer of your talent.

I don't want to be a bother,

but if you could allow me to see your latest paintings

and purchase a few for my private collection.

I'm not in charge of selling my paintings.

The art gallery I work with has exclusive sales rights in Poland.

How about abroad?

If they're to be taken abroad, you're welcome to interact with them directly.

- I'm glad to hear this. - Likewise!

Oh, by the way... Stanislawa Stankiewicz,

Zosia's mother, a farmer, lives in our flat as well,

but she's asleep at the moment.

This isn't what I expected. You seem so upbeat...

Me, upbeat?!

Your home and family look so ordinary, too.

I was expecting a gloomy castle...

We chased our rats and spiders out for a walk,

stuffed all our skeletons in closets, don't you know...

Oh, I'm sure. You have a delightful sense of humor.

Is this your studio?

- The Holy Land, of course... - It's never been holy.

Christ!

That's from the 70s.

The fantastic period?

I didn't choose this label and I don't particularly like it.

Are they for sale?

They belong to my wife.

They're my retirement fund.

A marvellous collection! Congratulations!

- Thank you. - I'd snap them right up if I could.

Sorry, I couldn't do without them. They're my pets.

I have 9 in total... Come, I'll show you the rest.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go on in.

Wonderful!

Marvellous!

I didn't know you were a ghost.

- That's just one of these things. - Performance art?

More like a joke, a farewell to Sanok... But no one thought it was funny.

Incredible!

My father painted these between 1974 and 1979, mainly in Sanok.

He improved significantly back in '74. That's these two...

I think I like this head most of all.

I liked about 75% of that year's paintings.

75% were cool, 50% were decent, 25% were very cool,

awesome, and 5% of these were absolutely amazing.

If you compared that crap to his present...

- So your father's evolving artistically? - Could be.

There's something about his art

that he doesn't deign to notice about beat bands.

He thinks every new album is worse than the last.

He doesn't let Mom and me talk about his paintings,

says it gives him painter's block.

This one's from this year, the last one I managed to beg off of him.

There are 13 paintings in my collection. Guess that's gonna be it.

They're masterpieces.

Even better than your mother's collection.

Could you entertain the idea of ever selling them to me?

- What if I... - No!

All right, I won't insist.

Fantastic.

Would you let me look at them a little longer?

All right.

He reminds me of Ferdinand the Bull.

- I don't know... - Sure, Zosia,

but I have the impression that he's here on behalf of some rich French businessman

who'd rather remain anonymous.

After going on and on about the importance of creative freedom

you're going to hitch yourself to the wheel now?!

He's not forcing me into anything! I have to provide 12 paintings per year,

out of my 20-odd yearly average.

$12,000 a year is a fortune in Poland!

I'll be able to focus on painting

without worrying about money, about our grandmothers, or about you!

- 12,000 dollars?! - Oops! Excuse me...

Zosia... Let me make one thing clear right away:

no need to pass around the Christmas wafer!

No hugging or, God forbid, kissing.

I don't do it myself and I don't ask that of anyone. All the best, folks!

Tuck in.

- Beksinski... - I like beer!

I know exactly what you mean. I'm not big on beer...

- And cigarettes even less so. - There'll be time to talk later.

- Turn off the TV. - Okay, I'll just find Channel 3.

Turn it off!

This makes me wet.

In the name of the Father and Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name,

- Thy kingdom come... - What'd you buy?

- Guess. - Where's my present?

Check down there.

See, son?

- Gotcha! - Exactly.

Gotcha, buddy!

- Give it here! - Got scissors?

This is Zdzislaw Beksinski.

Today is...

And this is my beloved spouse!

Your beloved spouse is feeling extremely camera-shy.

But why, Zosia?

Don't bother me or I'll spoil the pierogi!

You'll see yourself...

Get on with it.

I don't have time for that!

Zoom in on my face.

Jeez! It's zooming on its own! How come?

You can set it to automatic zoom.

- What an awful closeup. - Is it an awful closeup?

Yes. Here you go.

I filmed the whole room already, Tomek.

But I'm feeling a bit neglected and under-recorded myself.

- I'm going to bed, Zdzisiu. - I'm coming!

Let him get me on film.

Wait a moment, will you?

Zdzislaw Beksinski. Incredible!

Introducing Ultravox and their biggest hit-

"Dancing with Tears in my Eyes".

Weeping for the memory of a life gone by...

This is exactly what I wanted to do today in Rzeszow!

- What's your name? - Patrycja.

Patrycja: Forever and ever.

What a fabulous room!

- Are these all yours? - Yes, of course!

- Could you put them back in their spots? - Are these your pictures?

My old man painted them, so they're mine,

as in, they belong to me. Because this is my crypt.

Mind if I smoke?

Well... Sure, but...

This is my collection of LPs and reel-to-reel tapes.

Mind if I kiss you?

When in Egypt, drink straight from the source...

What's wrong? Do you think I'm funny?

I think you're amusing.

So can I kiss you?

I have a very interesting collection of video tapes in the other room...

Did I do something wrong?

I don't know what happened.

Got an awful headache...

Mr Dmochowski, I can't have you ordering a painting

and then not paying because you're short on money.

I set that one aside and you end up buying another one.

I'm not in a rush to sell my paintings, but I consider them sold!

You're asking too much, I'm scared.

And don't tell me what you'd like me to paint!

Let's not talk about my art, or anyone else's.

It just blocks my creativity.

Yes, yes.

I made you a list of records to buy. Remember to get the right ones.

I'll trade them for a few paintings.

I know, yes.

I understand. Thank you. Best regards to your wife.

All right...

I'm going to pinch your butt.

Be a brave boy.

Press down on it.

You'll live.

E-fucking-nough!

Enough of the fucking babysitting!

- Tomek, what are you doing? - Are you blind or what?

I'm smashing up the fucking kitchen!

Beksinski, get out.

There, there, Zosia... It's nothing.

Have mercy...

Maybe you're too rough about...

These things.

I'm not rough about these things.

I only feel something when I want to undress someone. Later - nothing.

Because you ought to slowly get used to that someone.

Slowly, gradually, bit by bit...

Don't you get it? I don't feel anything at all.

Even if I feel anything, it's more like revulsion.

When I think about men - Jeez, they disgust me,

couldn't even touch them! And women...

I don't really want them.

It's ridiculous and I can't take it anymore.

Their constant chatter gets on my nerves.

All that humor, all these jokes, those stories

about your friend's dog puking or something...

Why should I give a fuck?

When did you lock yourself into this box?

- You used to be different. - What box?

That's how I see your total disregard for other people.

- When Betti started smoking. - Oh, Tomek...

- Guess I should kill myself after all. - Don't talk like this!

Back then I already knew I should get it over with for good,

but everyone kept telling me I shouldn't...

- Tell me, I want to understand. - Even back then I couldn't take it.

How could the fact of someone picking up smoking be so devastating, though?

How many times did I tell you not to take it literally?

How many times?!

All right, baby, tell me what's going on.

What's going on is, I had this perfect concept

of the way everything was: my life, the world, other people...

And the person I was in love with - but not like a normal guy,

because I'm not normal in the first place.

But how did you get the idea that perfection was real?

Do you think you're perfect?

How did I get this idea?

- From books, movies, and songs! - What do you mean?

Even song lyrics talk about problems...

Sure, but Good always wins. Everyone's happy and huggy,

love is pure, beautiful, and immaculate, and so on...

How do you think people end up with love like this?

It's a long, long road to this kind of love.

- Sure, sure... But it's out there. - It is.

- And it doesn't exist in the real world! - You're wrong. It exists.

The fuck it does!

You convinced yourself that it's not real...

But it exists. I believe it does.

It's claustrophobic. I can't get out of this.

Wherever I go, I have to act like other people,

do what everyone else does.

I've got to play a role to get the things I want or to be liked.

I have to keep acting. I can't get out of this.

- You don't have to. - I'm fed up.

You're not yourself.

You're right... I'm not myself.

Why?

You ought to get back to yourself, step by step.

But there's no myself anymore! I don't exist anymore!

I'm my own corpse or something.

I could run a concentration camp and get some payback...

- For what? - For being alive. For living.

Life is the greatest gift of all!

Fat lot of good it gave me. Such a wonderful gift!

What'd it get me? Fuck... Tell me, what do I get out of it?

What did it get me?

No, you tell me what you did to feel this gift.

- The gift of life. - Why should I work for it, though?

Have I wanted it?

I'm asking you, did I want it?

The fuck should I work for it?

- Tell me, Tomek... - I'm fed up.

Do you like it? Does being this way make you happy?

Don't you want to change?

Oh sure, it makes me masochistically happy!

I can't and don't want to get out of this.

- You've never tried to change. - Dad sees it too.

3 days ago we went to the movies.

I watched you a few days before that, too,

and you seemed absolutely fine.

What happened over the last couple of days?

Nothing happened.

Except for the fact that if you keep carrying a heavy load,

eventually you'll get tired. I just fell over yesterday.

- I didn't see you carrying a load. - I'm glad you didn't!

Your dad and I want to help you.

We're showing you kindness and heart,

we're reaching out to you, but you want to cut off our hands...

- Why? - You literally cannot do anything!

What's the point of all that goddamn talking?

Zosia...

I have a sore right there...

- It hurts... - Maybe cupping would help her.

Cupping over damaged skin?! Go back to bed, Ma!

It hurts!

Good grief...

- How about this one? - Yes, it's happier.

- It hurts, Zosia... - I know, Mother.

- Thank you. - Get some rest.

Come back to me, son!

Do you hear me? Come back!

Don't you leave your mom!

Come back, baby...

There's only room for one.

You go, I'll catch up.

Maybe it's wrong to save him.

Listen, you have a lot of clout in this place...

Stop it!

He didn't want to live. He's just going to suffer.

- Come on, I'll give you a shot. - No, I'm fine.

He was just afraid to live!

I think suicide is a very brave and courageous act.

If he decided to end it, we should...

Sorry, that's nonsense. Why did you call the ambulance, then?

What about the cops?

- Fill her up, please. - OK.

Too bad...

I wouldn't want to go like that.

I'd like to die before you. I think women have it worse.

Men just sort of...

Is Madame still alive?

The way a plant is alive...

Excuse me, Zosia.

Have you watched Herzog's "Nosferatu" with Klaus Kinski?

Yes. Wonderful film.

Phenomenal. Simply phenomenal!

I saw it around 5 times...

Want some Coke?

- Got to show the whole thing... - Do an awful closeup!

You can start zooming now.

You're standing so far apart I can't get you both in the frame...

Hello, everyone!

We hope you're ready for an exciting ride!

You'll get to see another chapter of the adventures of 007.

Plenty of shooting, plenty of intrigue

and a cherry on top:

the gorgeous Barbara Bach as Major Amasova!

Think everyone already here, right?

Okay, folks, get ready for Tomasz Beksinski and Roger Moore!

Roger Moore...

As James Bond, 007,

in "The Spy Who Loved Me".

Also starring...

...the grave of Johannes Hevelius was discovered

at St Catherine's Church in Gdańsk,

exactly one year before the 300th anniversary of his...

How are you, Tomek? What's up?

Nothing.

Hi, Tomek!

- Good morning. - I brought you some new records.

- Are we recording? - Yes.

This is tape no. 2...

Say what day it is, will you?

Today is July 19, 1986.

We're picking up after a brief bathroom break.

Zdzislaw Beksinski and Piotr Dmochowski.

No, there aren't any splatters, Grzesiek.

I recorded it as well and watched it.

My copy is exactly the same.

Okay, bring it over to my folks as usual and we'll see.

Jesus, I'm stuffed!

That makes me glad. I'm happy for you.

It was great.

Could you go sit with Granny Beksinska for a bit?

No, her room stinks bad enough to make me puke.

She's the only mom your dad has.

She was your favorite grandma when you were little.

She went with you to put up your death notices.

Fine, all right, is that supposed to make her stink any less?

Where is that thing...

It was right here.

- Where's the bottle opener? - I moved it.

You keep saying a lot of bad things, son.

You keep hurting everyone

and never, not even once, think how difficult it is for us.

Do you hear me?

Good morning!

I can smell it was a busy night.

How are you today, baby girl?

Eyes wide open? That's progress! All right, give us some steam.

You gave us a good run, Mother.

89 years is a great result, but Grandma Stankiewicz

is moving toward a beautiful finish at 90 years so far...

Zosia! Beksinska is dead!

Can I have two?

- Of course! - Thanks.

Excuse me, how long until we land in Rzeszow?

10 minutes.

That's funny. I saw my numerologist yesterday

and he calculated that this plane was going to crash.

Fancy that! Weren't you scared to take this flight, then?

No, he also calculated that I'd make it.

Do you like wasting your money on nonsense?

I like nonsense.

- Here you go. - God bless you, young man.

May the good Lord grant you a lot of children.

Here we go...

Jesus!

Faster, faster!

Out, out.

Jesus, there's a woman stuck in here!

Help me get her out!

Come on, help me!

Faster!

At midnight, in the month of July, A mystic moon hangs in the sky.

Good evening.

This nighttime meeting will be quite special.

I'm going to try to tell you a story - amazing,

incredible, straddling the boundary of dreams and reality.

Partly made up and partly true...

And thus, the tale which will take up 3 hours of our moonlit program

took place a long time ago...

What are you bad at, in your opinion?

At everything.

I even feel inferior to many painters.

I immediately feel all the things I don't do well enough,

I feel everything I can't do.

Right now I can't see the things I'm better at.

So for you it's not a matter of internal strife.

You want to be better than everyone else, and that's your problem,

not some childhood issues or external influence.

I went through some strife, don't you know.

But it didn't make me...

I have this sort of homeo...

- What do you call it? - Homeostatic...?

Precisely. A homeostatic system that makes me quickly regain balance.

My son doesn't have one. He has an anti-homeostatic system.

Every tiny thing triggers an avalanche.

If you're in a boat

heading for a waterfall which means certain death,

and there's a cactus and an easy chair with you in that boat,

it'd be better to sit in that chair instead of on the cactus, right?

Hope the new year brings you good health and the power of genius!

Thank you, Piotr. Same to you!

I didn't believe you'd make it, and I still don't.

Thanks. Hope I heard that wrong.

You're not going to write about all that, right?

One guy was so diligent about quoting his idol that the man ended up

looking like a monster. You're not going to repeat all that, right?

Are you kidding? I'm going to write everything down

as soon as I get home! I don't want to lose a single word!

I just don't want people to know I record every conversation on the sly.

Could we skip this one detail?

Bye.

How are you, Zdzisiek?

My head feels fit to split. No idea how I'll make it through the week.

An awful stench wafts out from every floor.

Seems like our downstairs neighbors boil dead rats for lunch every day.

- The whole section is miserable. - I'm completely stressed out!

Non-functional plumbing has always been my greatest fear

and I don't think I can bear it!

How am I going to empty Mother's crapper too?

- Take this. - No idea how I'm going to manage.

Excuse me, sir!

- Yes? - Are you Zbigniew Beksinski?

- The painter? - I guess...

My flat is right across the road.

I've been watching you at work through my binoculars...

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.

- I should go get Mom. - No, let her cry.

That woman was simply indestructible. 98 years! What a score!

So it's just the three of us left.

Like Genesis after Hackett left.

Me, I'm in no rush to leave.

Though I don't think any of us could beat Grandma's record.

Yeah, she was tough as nails.

I heard Houston gets the best results,

but this still means a 15% mortality rate.

Another 15% of patients end up paralyzed from the waist down.

Professor Hertzl from Berlin saw your latest MRI scans.

He wants to bring his team hereto Anin

and perform a surgical demonstration for Polish cardiac surgeons.

- So if you could... - No, no, no!

The thought of being paralyzed frightens me more than death itself.

Zosiu...

I've read Dmochowski's stuff.

Dear God! The things he wrote about you, me and Tomek,

let alone other people, our grannies...

I don't want to see that man in here ever again!

I don't want him to call, don't want his money!

- We need to burn this. - I think it's already out.

What a disgusting creature! He's not human at all!

Oh, and don't let Tomek see this shit.

- Patrycja! - Remember me?

Warmer...

The Reptile enters my tomb!

I knew you'd come back.

Jesus, it's been 11 years.

You're even more beautiful than before.

You've got a dangly thing here...

Oh, my!

- Not like that, Beksinski! - Open your eye.

- Which one? I can't... - Your left.

- Our superstar. - Hey, Zdzisio, Grzesiek is filming us...

- Me, a star? I should go get my sunglasses...

Fucking hell! Even in my own house someone's taking my place!

Grzesiek's been coming over so often that he's like a brother to you by now...

Shut your face!

Get the fuck out of here if you don't know how to behave!

Your mother is dying! Get out! Get the hell out!

- What do you mean: dying? - Stop it...

Cut!

I wanted to give this to you today.

I've had it for 11 years, hopefully it can still be useful.

I like this answering machine better than your new one.

Thanks.

Mom has an aneurysm that could burst at any time.

She has about a year left.

- Can't they get it out? - No.

Promise you won't hurt yourself while Mom is alive. All right?

Fine.

Stop it. Stop bawling.

Patrycja, I'm going to kill myself!

Save these threats for your parents. I don't care anymore.

Why? Tell me why!

- Why what? - Why can't you be with me?

You gave too much.

Make love to me.

Please, one last time... Please!

That's where you put in the washing powder.

Right here.

Zdzisiek...

Tell me one thing. I've been wondering...

It didn't let me sleep these last few days.

What'll it be like? Who's going to be in the tomb with me?

The Beksinski family.

Grandpa and Grandma, Father and Mother...

And there's another coffin there as well, a tiny one.

Why do you bother thinking about these things?

You never told me there was a baby in that tomb...

What does that matter?

We don't even know if it's a baby. It's just a small coffin.

Fabric softener goes here. Right here.

It does matter to me,

because I'd like to know who I'm going to be there with.

It's all pretty difficult, I'd have to do some research...

There's no telling what would come out of it.

- Shut the drawer. - That's why Grandfather

didn't list any names on the tomb.

The inscription just says BEKSINSKI FAMILY TOMB.

- Turn the dial... - Let's leave it like this.

- And the start button. - If it was up to me, I'd write:

Here lie the Beksinskis. Kiss their asses.

They'd never let you do that.

Wait, let me put it up higher.

I'd like to rest by that tiny coffin.

It's in the lower part of the tomb. You'll be up by Grandma Beksinska.

I'm going to think that it's our baby daughter's coffin.

Now that was absurd!

Honey, it barely even got to the scrambled-eggs stage!

That's what I'm going to think.

At least let me have this much.

Mom is dead.

Farewell, Zosia.

Did you call the ambulance?

There's no point.

Mom...

Mommy...

What are we going to do?

Mom...

Mommy, no...

Could you build in a weaker spot to the right of the door?

In case the lock got stuck and I couldn't get it open...

- I'll pay extra for that, of course. - Naturally.

We'll put in a circle of perforated brick.

Thank you.

Dear Piotr! I'm writing to invite you to smoke the peace pipe.

I would have done this earlier, but Zosia couldn't forgive you

for some of the things you wrote about our family,

particularly with regard to Tomek. He still isn't your fan,

but I think he didn't read your book because he wasn't interested.

EVENING WITH A VAMPIRE

Who would've thought that the translator of Monty Python's Flying Circus

would turn out to be... almost an actual vampire!

He says he likes the city - but mainly at night.

He says foreplay should begin with the woman getting out of her coffin.

His answering machine says "You have reached Nosferatu..."

Tonight's guest is Tomasz Beksinski!

I'm used to a certain order.

The whole day should go according to a certain schedule.

If someone disrupts it,

I'm liable to get really upset and find it hard to actually function.

So how are you going to handle...

- Well, Ewa is an Uberwoman. - What's an uberwoman?

An Uberwoman is a woman who can stand me. And the other way around.

You're not having these attacks anymore?

Of course I'm not!

- Finally grew out of it? - You could say that.

Plus, I think that over the last few years

I haven't experienced this sort of...

Reality-induced suffering which made me want to escape.

I escape into movies every single day, I think that absorbs some of that pain.

Come here.

Stand up. Stand up!

Do it yourself.

Ewa!

I want to watch.

You want me to jack off on our anniversary?

I want us to do something different tonight. Please.

Aren't we having fun though?

Kiss me...

You're crazy.

Why would I play with myself if I have you?

- I just... - I'm not in the mood anymore.

- I need to watch a movie. - Sure...

Listen... Hey!

I'm here to play with you.

Quit ignoring me! Look at me, Tomek!

I want to play. Give me this tape. Gimme that!

- Let's have some other kind of fun... - Fucking shit!

What are you doing? Stop it, calm down!

- You have access to all the data. - I'm sorry...

- And now you'll pay for it! - Calm down!

Tomek, stop it! I'm sorry!

You'll see how fun it is to fucking smash your heart against a wall!

Calm down!

Hi.

You use them like a real Chinaman.

I'm old. Take care of me.

Should I change your diapers?

Let's get your last will written down to avoid legal issues.

All right.

Maybe if you had spanked me, even just once,

I could've figured out where the boundaries lie.

Don't worry, I don't hold this against you. I know you very well.

It's so good!

I won.

Hi.

The hands of the clock implacably race ahead.

The designated end of this century and millennium

is less than 3 weeks away.

In 2 weeks it'll be Christmas,

and 3 weeks from now the year will be 2000.

Do you realize that this is our last meeting of the 1990s?

This could even be our last meeting ever -

nobody knows what's going to happen...

Zdzislaw Beksinski speaking.

I'm sure he's asleep.

He's been staying up all night working recently. I saw him after lunch.

He was in a decent mood.

All right, I'll check on him. Take care, Ania.

Thank you. Merry Christmas. See you.

Zdzislaw Beksinski here.

Congratulations.

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF! NO ONE SEES ANYTHING

- Yes? - Nowak.

Come in.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Pleased to meet you.

I bet all people have some hidden needs, but they're afraid

to ever let these feelings come out, because they could end up disavowed,

ridiculed...

Me, I've always dreamed about raping someone. Yes.

But I knew I'd never actually do it,

because I despise violence, I'm a sophisticated person.

Such things are simply not done.

I didn't even spank Tomek, because I was afraid

that I would turn out to be a sadist who delights in beating children.

We all have our preferences and dreams -

and, most importantly,

everyone has as much right to their dreams as I do to mine.

Are you recording this?

Naturally!

You should do too.

Maybe then you'd hear how often you keep interrupting me.

You haven't changed a bit.

So let's say I fire up my computer

to order a tuned-up version of Alicia Silverstone...

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Dad will be right up, he's talking with some woman downstairs.

- I'll just have a Coke. - Of course.

Kindly throw away the cup when you're done, please.

What do you kids call trash cans these days?

Creme de la creme...

- Toilet. - What?

Sorry, my hearing aid is acting up.

It's strange. The battery's brand new.

What's taking them so long?

Could you go get your father?

You'll end up in the garbage chute tomorrow after physio.

I don't have time to wait.

It's not that early anymore...

Listen...

THE LAST FAMILY