Original subtitles

Do not be scared, Mr. Kipling.

It is only a movie.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

A very realistic movie!

This 3-D is amazing!

I feel as though I can reach out and touch it!

(SCREAMS)

Now it is reaching out to touch me!

(SCREAMING)

Bertram!

Evil spirits walk among us!

(LAUGHING)

You got the evil part right.

That was awesome!

You screamed like a little girl.

I did not! I screamed like a big, tough girl!

And you certainly did not scare my fearless friend, Mr. Kipling!

You reptilian wimp!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Bertram, is my new issue of Leopard Beat here?

One moment.

(SCREAMING)

What's wrong? Who's hurt? First aid kit or ambulance?

My Leopard Beat magazine came!

This month has a special feature on bra stuffing!

"Which is better? Tissues or socks?"

Spoiler alert. It's neither.

Quilted toilet paper. You're welcome.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

What up, penthouse!

What up, Tony!

Hey, Jessie, I brought you

a welcome to New York "fuggeda-basket."

Aw, thanks, Tony!

New York subway maps, Metro cards, and...

pepper spray?

Is this in case I'm the victim of a-salt?

(SNORING)

Wow, he is one sound sleeper.

He looks so peaceful.

I don't like it.

(ALARM RINGING) (SCREAMING)

Great Ganesh!

I am a human samosa!

Get me down from here!

Okay, if you say so.

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ow! That hurt!

It's your fault for sleeping on a door.

That is it! You have aroused my ire!

Hey, you should thank me.

Luke wanted to leave you in the lobby

in nothing but your tighty whities.

Luke, you are treading on dangerous ground.

Ever heard of karma?

I have! It's my favorite topping on a sundae.

Not caramel, karma.

The concept that if you are good,

the universe will reward you.

But if you are bad,

the Universe will beat you like a rented water buffalo.

Oh! So you're saying it would be bad

if I did something like this?

(BLOWING)

(SPEAKING LOUDLY) Yes! That is an excellent example of bad!

You know, this is really nice of Tony.

Nice and obvious.

Tony's in love.

It's all here Leopard Beat.

"Surefire Signs a Guy is Crushing On You.

"First, he'll surprise you with presents."

Tony gave you the fuggeda-basket.

"Second, he'll laugh at your jokes."

Tony laughed when you said, "Victim of a-salt."

Yeah, because it was funny.

No. It wasn't.

Leopard Beat is never wrong.

It's my roadmap to womanhood.

Your roadmap has a hologram poster of Taylor Lautner.

I know!

When you turn it this way, his shirt comes off.

Off, on. Off, on. Off, on.

Wanna see?

Pass.

Look, even if Tony does like me, I'm not going to date him.

I learned back in Texas never to date someone you work with.

Aw! Did you get your heart broken by a rodeo clown?

Actually, yes.

I was referring to last summer,

when I was working at Senor Cluck's Chickateria.

Everything was just fine until I broke up with the assistant manager, Buck Cluck.

That's when he assigned me to the plucking pit.

You had to pluck chicken eyebrows?

No.

I spent the rest of the summer knee-deep in beaks, claws, and chicken guts.

Which, by the way, was our 99 cent combo.

O-M-G! Tony's in the lobby!

F-Y-I. That's his job!

Wait! Wait!

There's a chart in here to show how much a boy likes you.

Another way to tell is if he gives you his toy from his extra value meal.

It says in here if he touches you from shoulder to elbow,

you're in the friend zone.

Elbow to wrist, the transitional zone.

And wrist to fingertips means he's about to hold your hand,

which is the romance zone!

As long as he doesn't touch my end zone.

Yo, Jessie!

Check out the addition to my uniform.

I got epaulets!

He's upgrading his wardrobe.

Leopard Beat's surefire sign number four that he's crushing on you.

I wouldn't call that an upgrade.

He looks like he's guarding the Wizard of Oz.

So, what do you got there?

We're organizing Emma's closet.

Again.

We got shoe boxes, sweater boxes, hat boxes, jewelry boxes,

and a box for my socks.

Ooh! That rhymes!

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. And the party continues, 'cause tomorrow is hanger day.

Jessie, let me help you.

Thank you.

Did you see that?

He went right for your hands!

He skipped two zones! He's a zone skipper!

Oh, my gosh!

Emma, relax.

It's not like he's asking me out or anything.

Hey, Jessie, wanna have lunch in the park tomorrow?

Well... She'd love to!

Right, Jessie?

I would love to,

but I can't miss hanger day.

You're excused.

Awesome.

See you tomorrow. Mmm-hmm.

I'm thinking of a lobby-themed wedding.

What are you thinking?

You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Jessie! You're gonna be late for your date with Tony!

So, how do I look?

Like Cinderella...

before the bibbity bobbity-boo.

Perfect!

These clothes will make Tony think of me as just one of the guys,

and then he'll never ask me for another date.

Look, Jessie, no matter how badly you dress,

or how dorky your hair looks...

My hair always looks like this.

Oops.

Tony's still going to try to kiss you.

And then you'll start dating...

And knowing my history, we'll have a hideous breakup,

and I'll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs

so I don't have to pass Tony in the lobby!

So you don't like Tony at all?

Have you seen his new epaulets?

Yes, Zuri, and they're lovely,

but I'm not getting involved with him.

Or his sparkling blue eyes,

or those perfect, full lips

that just make a gal melt like butter on hot Texas asphalt...

(PANTING)

And I'm back.

Ooh! My turn!

I don't like this game.

Hey, Ravi, what you looking at?

A photographer in the park taking pictures of women

wearing only the tiniest of triangles as clothes.

Bikini shoot? Out of my way!

What bikinis?

Ew! Bertram! Put on a shirt!

(WINGS FLAPPING)

Ew, gross!

(WINGS FLAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

Ravi!

Uh-oh!

Sorry, Luke.

Looks like your bad karma has come home to roost.

I brought mortadel, mozzarel, pasta fazool, gabagool...

Whoa! Are those food items or are you trying to cast a spell?

You are one funny girl.

Curse my sparkling wit.

Give me that!

Whoa! I've never seen a girl eat like that.

Except my Aunt Sophia.

She can unhinge her jaw like an anaconda.

Well, just think of me as one of the guys.

You're the prettiest guy I ever saw.

Except for Zac Efron.

I'd have to call that a jump ball.

♪ La donna e mobile

♪ Dusting the dust away

♪ Happy am I today

♪ No children in my way ♪

(SCREAMS)

Bertram! The weirdest thing just happened to me!

I was in the park and a pack of squirrels attacked me!

You probably provoked them.

No, no, I was just standing there!

With you, that's enough.

First pigeon poop, now bloodthirsty squirrels.

Maybe Ravi's right! This is bad karma.

The universe is out to destroy me!

Now, will that be happening before dinner?

Because I need to get a head count.

The great and powerful Ravi will see you now.

(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Luke, I have been expecting you.

What is all this?

You have just entered my lair.

Dude, it's the screening room.

True, but it doubles as my lair.

Okay. Isn't a lair usually like underground and...

I tell you it is a lair!

Just go with it.

Okay. Not the point.

Ravi, I need your help to get rid of my bad karma.

I will help you.

First, admit to me that this is a lair.

Fine, it's a lair!

Very good.

Now, to restore your good karma,

you must make amends to those you have wronged.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Kipling, I'm sorry for what I did to you.

But your tail did grow back.

(HISSING)

What are you doing?

Hush, child! The master is at work.

Your karma is dirtier than the bottom of Mr. Kipling's cage

after taco Tuesday.

Okay! What about Zuri's karma?

I mean, she helped me prank you.

I already got my caramel cleaned.

I handled my business.

How the heck is giving you and your lizard pedicures

going to help my karma?

Do not question the sacred laws of karma!

And do not miss the callus on his pinkie claw.

Ravi, how much longer until my bad karma is erased?

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Not long. You just have to do one more thing.

Let me guess.

Mr. Kipling needs a deep tissue massage?

Well, yes, but I have a guy who does that.

It's me.

I'm saving up for a car.

So I can run myself over.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Luke, take all valuables out of your pockets.

You are about to get a karma wash.

Okay. That rain came out of nowhere.

Yeah, good thing I found this umbrella.

Found? It was attached to a hotdog cart.

Boy, was he mad.

Who knew sauerkraut could be used as a weapon?

You know, Jessie, I really had a great time today.

EMMA: Tony's going to try to kiss you.

JESSIE: I'll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs

so I don't have to pass Tony in the lobby!

Plucking pit. Beaks, claws, and chicken guts.

Guts. Guts.

No!

(SCREAMING)

Mace in the face!

Why did you do that?

Because I'm trying to keep things from being awkward between us!

The only thing that could make it more awkward is if I lost a limb!

Come on! All day long you've been trying to get with this.

What are you talking about?

First, you bring a romantic picnic.

They were leftovers from my ma's poker game!

Then, you said I was one of the two prettiest guys you'd ever seen.

That's not exactly a compliment!

Then, you tried to kiss me.

I was just reaching for my jacket!

Oh.

Well, then...

This is awkward.

Wait, wait, wait. If you don't want to kiss me,

why did you invite me out to the park?

Because you're new in town and you don't have any friends.

And now I know why.

Aw!

I can't stand to see him like that.

There, that's better.

Man! It's raining cats and dogs out there.

Really?

You go dry off and I will call animal control.

LUKE: Ravi, can I come in now?

Was that Luke?

Oh, no. You are hearing things.

You need a nice, long rest.

Far away from the terrace.

Luke, are you taking a shower on the terrace?

Of course not. That would be stupid.

I'm cleaning my karma.

Get in here.

Ravi, please tell me it worked.

Yes, yes. Your karma is clear. All is well. Goodbye.

Uh-uh-uh!

Not so fast, Ravi.

Luke, you go upstairs and get out of these clothes, okay?

Luke!

Here is your GameBuddy.

It's all right, man. You can keep it.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, after all, you helped me out with my karma problem

even though I pranked you.

You're a really good brother.

Ravi, what have you been up to?

Nothing.

Stop! Your eyes bore into my soul

like the merciless gaze of all-knowing Kali!

I've been working on that look.

Now spill!

Okay.

Luke played a bunch of mean tricks on me so I got him back

by telling him unless he cleaned up his karma,

the universe would give him a total smackdown.

And did it?

Oh, yes, with a little help from me!

I sprinkled high fiber bread crumbs on the terrace

so the pigeons would poop on him,

and then, I smeared peanut butter on his clothes

so the squirrels would attack him.

I can be quite impish.

But how did you know it was gonna rain?

Oh, that really was karma.

You think I make this stuff up?

Look, Ravi, in the future,

if you have trouble with your brothers and sisters, just come to me.

And you will come down on them like the rains of Ranchipur?

Or we'll talk through it and work it through together as a family.

Promise?

Promise. Good.

That said, peanut butter in the pants? Well played!

What! What!

So, how'd your date with Tony go?

I think I smell romance.

That's sauerkraut.

There is no romance with Tony.

And there never will be.

I can't believe Leopard Beat was wrong.

I'm never reading again.

That's what you've learned?

Oh, hello, Taylor!

Off, on.

Off, on.

Off, on. Off...

So, the whole day, I was just trying to be friends, you know?

But then Jessie looked so pretty with the raindrops in her hair,

I went in for a kiss, and then, bam!

She pepper sprayed me!

I tried to play it off like I was just reaching for my jacket,

but it was really awkward.

So what should I do now?

I don't know and I don't care.

I just came down for the mail.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(SLICING SOUND) (ALL EXCLAIM)

This is really scary.

I told you.

Guys, it's just a movie.

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (METAL CLANKS)

Hold my hand!

Girl, don't you go in that graveyard.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(METAL SLICING) (ALL GROAN)

I tried to warn her.

(GROWLING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Wait. It is just Luke trying to prank us.

I'm right here.

Then who is that?

(MOANING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Finally, my program.tch

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHANGES CHANNEL)

(GROWLS)

Hey, I was watching that.

(HISSING)

Okay, okay.

Popcorn?