All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S03E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Well, congratulations.
You're pregnant.

You've gotta be
fucking kidding me.

-You have a right to know.
-"The Myth of Polyfidelity."

-Great premise.
-Don't have an abortion.

Can you at least...
think about it?

Why is she here again?

She was at a meeting.

So why is my spidey sense
screaming

that something weird's
going down?

-[ Exhales ]
-Izzy: No family at all?

No. Well, other than my grandma,
but we haven't talked in years,

-And she is nuts.
-I think we've come up with

the real question
of your thesis.

What's the real question
of my thesis?

"What is wrong with me?"

Fuck you and your latest
annoying attempt

at bartender wisdom.

You can't talk to me
like that.

Uh, okay.
So however it's gonna be
between us

is not gonna be like that.

-Wait, you're serious?
-Yeah, I'm serious.

Wanna meet my dad?

Em, what really matters is,
what do you want?

I want this baby.

And I want my husband
and Izzy.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the official
flower of apology.

Iz, would you please
just hear me out?

-Who was that?
-It was just some lost chick.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm keeping it.

Izzy: Hey, Jack?

Hey.

What the fuck?
[ Door closes ]

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

Iz, take a breath, okay?

I mean, lots of people are
cordial with their exes, right?

-Can't we just be friends?
-Mm, hard pass.

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice...

blow me.

Iz, Izzy,
if you could give me

just five minutes
of your time,

possibly with eye contact,

I swear, I'll walk out that door
and you will never see me again,

if that's what you want.

I say we hear her out.

[ Bottle cap pops ]

[ Opener clanks ]

[ Bottle cap clatters ]

You can talk
until I finish this beer.

Thank you. Um...

It's a good beer.
Talk fast.

Okay, I, um...

Um...

I just...

Jack could you possibly
put on some pants?

-It's -- it's a bit distracting.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

No. Don't listen to her.
This is your home.

Okay, but what if I actually
wanna put on pants?

-Well, then that's fine.
-[ Whispers ] Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Izzy, I am so, so sorry.

-Boring.
-No, you're right. You're right.

It's lazy just repeating myself
over and over again.

I'm living the lesbian dream
up there, okay?

That's nice.

We've got a 20th floor view
of the Space Needle.

One call gets us into
any restaurant

with a 6-month waiting list.

I mean, I am not bragging,
but Kylie and I are

pretty much the Portia and Ellen
of Seattle.

-[ Coughs ]
-How is that not bragging?

Having any second thoughts
about letting her in?

No, no, no, no, no. Guys,
that was just the set up.

Here's the payoff.

It was so much easier
than this, than us.

But that
doesn't make it real.

I'm in love
with the two of you.

Jack, Izzy...

I'm just a girl,

standing in front of a boy,

Dear god, make it stop.
and another girl...

Look, if I had
a time machine,

I would go back and I would
just ask for a beat

so I could get my head
around this concept of us

having a baby together,
but I just --

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.

Is your ex standing
in our home,

blaming us
for pushing her?

That's her pitch?

Buh-bye, golden nectar.

-Ahh.
[ Bottle thuds ]

That was very brave, Em.

Thank you.
I mean, I only heard
parts of it

'cause I got super bored
during the braggy bits.

But we really need to
get going, so...

-Jack.
-Yes?

Could you please
let your ex-wife out?

That beer went
right through me.

So when did you come
to this?

When did I come to this?

When did I grow the balls
to admit it to myself?

'Cause they're separated
by roughly five months.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Beat go ♪

♪♪

[ Inhales deeply,
exhales slowly ]

I...got the girls fed.

Thank you.

You know, I-I don't wanna
get a divorce

and move to Seattle
to be a lesbian.

Neither do I.
So we have that in common.

-But...
-Damn your "buts."

This is happening, Dave.

I'm gonna be putting
more time in the magazine,

and we need to come up
with a plan.

Okay, now promise
you won't get mad?

Okay?

Okay, now, see the point
of the initial plan

was...Hang on.
Just give it a second, okay?

The point of the initial plan
was for our girls

to have at least three years
before they were

living their lives on
someone else's schedule.

-That's true. But --
-All right?

Now, I made a little bit
more money than you.

Because you have a penis.

I think it was about seniority
more than genitalia.

But I'm just a man.
What do I know?
It's a little bit of both.
Go on.

Right. So, you wanted
to stay at home.

-This was a-a mutual decision.
-Yes. That's right.

Now that I've gotten to know
the tiny women that we made,

I am terrified of even
the slightest fuck up

leading them down a path
to becoming asshole mean girls

who post their brunches
on Instagram

with the peace sign
and the duck lips

and the #blessed.

"#blessed"? God doesn't
care about brunch.

I just saw it in my head.

They are assholes

wearing gigantic sunglasses.

But -- but for what it's worth,
they are very pretty,

so there's that.

Yeah, this is...

My parents were strict
and very old-fashioned.

But I knew that I mattered
more to them

than anything in the world.

I would like our girls
to know that, too.

[ Trent Dabbs and Amy Stroup's
"Love You Good" playing ]

♪♪

♪ One look ♪

What?

♪ Was all it took ♪

Mm.

♪♪

Mmm.

♪ One look ♪

You're an incredible man.

And our girls are gonna have
a hard time finding somebody

because they'll be
measuring everybody to you.

♪♪

And you are the dopest mom.

♪♪

Yeah.

And they're gonna
know that, too.

They're gonna know all about
that, your dopeness.

Yeah, see, that's the thing.

I want them to know
about my dopeness,

but I want them to see that
I'm -- I'm winning at life.,

that I'm firing
on all cylinders.

And I-I want them to know that
they can be the dopest moms

and be the dopest women
all at the same time.

And I guess I just --
I-I really...

need to show myself that, too.

♪ That we need is here ♪

♪ Then tell me how
to love you good ♪

♪♪

-No.
-Izzy, come on.

Just so you know, I am
officially way past believing

that Emma's
mysterious return

was ever about
a sudden business meeting.

What makes you say that?

She was wearing
the same yoga pants
and slippers, Sherlock.

Was she? I didn't even
notice that. That's weird.

Come here.
Look at me in the eye.

[ Sighs ]

No, that is a random spot
over my shoulder.

There you go.

Did you know that
she wanted back in?

Was that what you were
talking about on campus?

No. I found out the exact
same time you did. I swear.

Okay. Well, now that you
do know, where do you stand?

I'm with you. Okay?

On this and everything else.

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

Not bad.

So what about you?

I know it's a lot
to digest all at once,

I could never trust her.
but she seemed really --

And I would be beyond
disappointed if you could.

I feel you.

-You feel me?
-Yeah.

Yes, I mean, like,
I...heard you,

I acknowledge it,
I understand what you said.

Okay. Way to
go out on the limb.

Come on.
We're gonna be late.

♪♪

There.

♪♪

Okay, will you please
stop that?

Stop what?

Stop not being goofy.

Oh. I'm sorry, Neen.

How can I amuse you, as that's
my sole purpose in this life?

I already apologized.

Did you?

♪♪

Hey, look.

I'm sorry for the way
that I spoke to you.

♪♪

And I wanna
hear you say that...

I'm your superior.

[ Laughs ] I'm not...

♪♪

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, fuck. Fine. Fuck, fuck.

[ Sighs ] And you're my...

♪♪

[ Clenched teeth ]
superior.

[ Chuckles ] Ha ha ha.

I'm gonna leave before
this gets fun. No.

For the record,

I'm also your "Mr. Right There
in Front of You."

[ Bottles clinking ]

What the fuck is that?

Like in rom-coms.

The one who's always there

if you just take the time
to notice.

[ Forced laugh ]
Yeah, no, but nice try.

Well, no.
It's -- it's true.

Okay, look,
you're a lot of things,

including ginger-ish
and intermittently ruddy,

but you are
definitely not my...

Mr. Right There
in Front of You.

And here's
the beautiful twist --

the more that you deny it,

the more that you're
just proving my point.

What's that?

Was there something you wanted
to -- to add to that?

You wanna say something? No?

Cool, then I'm gonna take that
as a tacit agreement.

-Mm.
-[ Chuckles ]

-Mm.
-Mm.

Huh? Come on.

I've earned it.

Don't leave me hanging.
Just...

You just
ruined the moment. Ah!

♪♪

So, Ben, been sober
for a year now?

Mm-hmm.

How often do you go
to meetings?

[ Laughs ] Okay, I get it.

I'm the one under
the swinging bulb here.

No.

I-I go to at least
three meetings a week.

Lately, I've been going
to more.

Why is that?

Well, it's been
an especially emotional time.

♪♪

What made you finally
stop drinking?

Uh, well, I came really close
to drowning in my own vomit.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, and, uh, when I --
when I finally, uh,

when I finally dragged myself
up off the linoleum,

I looked in the mirror

and I realized
that I didn't have

a single reason left
to stay alive.

♪♪

So I decided to find one.

♪♪

My turn.

So, uh, you're --
you're divorced, yeah?

It's all legal
and everything?

There's no, uh, little threads
left between you two?

Is it just me
or is it getting, like,

weirdly possessive
and patriarchal in here?

-Why don't we just, um...
-I can honestly say that...

-Okay.
-...Emma and I are

entirely, completely,
and legally divorced.

Why are you talking like
you're on the wrong side

of a Senate hearing?

I'm not.

-You love her?
-Emma?

My daughter.

Oh, uh... [ Chuckles ]

Well... [ Sighs ]
when Emma and I met...

Oh, hey, remember 10 seconds ago
when my dad clarified

that he was asking about me?

...I felt the Earth move.

Okay, not loving this story.

-Honey hear me out.
-[ Chuckles ]

And I thought it was
the type of thing

that was only gonna happen
once in a lifetime.

-Mm.
-Until I met your daughter.

And I'll be damned
if it didn't happen again.

Except this time, it was more
like an earthquake.

[ Laughs ]

When I opened that hotel room
door for the first time --

E-excuse me?

-Pardon?
-Hmm?

Yeah, you -- you said
you fell for Izzy

the first time you saw her, when
you opened the hotel room door?

Maybe a little
Yeah, no,
clarification on --

I'm realizing now it
Mnh-mnh.
sounded like I meant...

I saw her for the first
time when I opened
the hotel room door.

-[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, no, that's...

Yeah, no, it did --
[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

it did sound like that because
that's exactly what you said.

True. Yes, um...

Well, that's because...

-Tell him. Yeah.
-Yeah, should I?

I mean, you don't know
every detail, right?

I know them all.
But I...Yeah.

Um, I'm at a hotel.

-Mm-hmm.
-Right?

-Yeah.
-Like I said,

open the door, right, to start
my day, like as one does.

-Mm-hmm.
-Right?

Lo and behold...

Uh, Izzy is there.

-'Cause -- because...
-Izzy was...

...a housekeeper.

A what?
I was -- I was a --
I was a housekeeper.

-Housekeeper, yes.
-Yeah.

-You weren't.
-Tell the a story, honey.

-Right. Cool.
-Mm-hmm.

-Uh, I was a housekeeper...
-Yeah.

...for, like, a hot minute
at the Carlyle.

-The hotel.
-The Carlyle.

-Carlyle Hotel. Mm-hmm.
-Mm. Um...

She tells the story better than
I do. So go ahead, honey.

-Thanks.
-Yeah/

Uh, yeah, so, I'm --
I knocked on room 3...

-372.
-...372 to offer --

We'll never forget that.

To offer turndown service.
And...

Yeah. She was wearing, like,
a cute little outfit.

-I wasn't. I wasn't.
-No?

No.
-[ Grunts ]

-My dad.
-Well, who was that then?

-[ Laughs ] I'm joking.
-He's kidding.

No, there was no outfit at --

Well, you were wearing
something. Yeah.

And, uh, that's our story.

-Mm-hmm.
-You know, classic...

-Mm-hmm.
-...classic, uh, tale.

Yeah.
I mean, we're gonna be

telling that story
for the rest of our lives.

-Can't wait.
-Mm.

♪♪

One of you cowboys
gonna blink soon,

or should I just wait
at the bar?

Thanks for dinner, Jack.
You didn't have to do that.

Your money's no good
in my town.

[ Chuckles ]

I've always wanted
to say that.

I'm sure it's perfectly good
both here and abroad.

Okay, why don't we just
move on so...

they can mop up
the testosterone, okay?

-Mmm.
-Izzy: Bye.

-You did good.
-Thank you.

♪♪

-Bye.
-Bye.

♪♪

[ Door closes ]
[ Sighs deeply ]

♪♪

Hey.

Oh! Hey! What's up, girl?

"Hey"? You seriously had
the balls to lead with "Hey"?

I had to tell him.

He had a right to know after
everything we've been through.

Great. You told him.

So why aren't you
at home with me?

Why are you still...

Where are you?

I'm at my friend Carmen's house.

Why?

Emma, what the fuck
is going on?

I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

Please say something.

Say something? Oh, absolutely.

Here it is.

Fuck you.
Ky --

Fuck!
[ Call disconnects ]

-[ Sighs ] Oh, my god.
-Carmen: So, hey, hi.

-Emma: Hi.
-Here's the thing.

We're working super hard
to not say that word

anywhere near Callie,
who's already devised

an alarming variety of
every day public application.

-Okay.
-Was that Kylie?

[ Sighs ] It's hard to say
who hates me more, her or Izzy.

I mean, but that's what happens
to horrible people, right?

Everyone hates them,
and they die alone?

You're not horrible, Em.

Thanks, but, I think...

Sharks are
scary as shit, right?

But are they really horrible?

Doesn't that imply
malicious intent?

Sharks just swim around,
living their lives,

and a bloody trail
of horrific carnage

is collateral damage.

They didn't mean to do anything.
It just happened.

[ Laughing ]

Stop it. [ Snorts ]

[ Sighs ] I have fucked up
my life so badly.

I know, hon.

I've watched most of it
from my bedroom window.

What should I do?

I don't know. I'm sorry.
I don't know.

All I got is this.

[ Clears throat ]

Remember when Jack and I
were only weird

because we didn't
have kids?

Not really.

Oh!

♪♪

You did what?

I spoke to your
grandmother's counselor,

and she's been on her meds
and stable for a few years now.

I did not say
that you could do that.

I don't give a fuck
about her.

But she gives a major fuck
about you.

You talked to her?

What happened
to not playing savior?

I hear you,
but what's done is done.

So if you could just
ease it back a little

and let me talk for
one minute, and then,

if you still wanna break
a pool cue over my head,

I will hold perfectly still.

Okay?

[ Jai Freedom Lewis
and Kevin Skaggs'
"Whispers" playing ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]
She works at PetSmart.

She... [ Sighs ]

She has a nice little apartment
on Jervis.

And her eyes lit up like
a 100-watt bulb

when I said your name.

And look, I don't claim
to know the woman.

But if what her doctor
said is true,

then maybe she really
has changed.

She asked if you'd want
to go for coffee with her.

That's easy -- No.

Just no?

[ Inhales deeply ] The woman
burned my fucking clothes.

What? Why?

She was concerned
they might be flammable.

[ Laughs ]

That's not funny.

Okay.
How 'bout I go with you?

20 minutes,
just check it out?

Please?

♪♪

[ Inhales deeply ]
God, fine.

-[ Exhales deeply ]
-Yay.

Okay, but you seriously
have to be there.

I will, I promise.

And you have to let me
do the acrylics,

any design I want.

Okay.

♪♪

[ Sighs ] You're gonna make me
look really stupid, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

-Ooh.
-Wow.

-Carmen: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
-Wow! Look at that!

Look how it just dissolves
to the entertainment section?

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, come in, Alex!

No, right. He can only
hear your voice.

-Come in, Alex!
[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]
-Carmen: Wow. I was joking.

Mm.

[ Thud ]
-Hannah: Whoa!

I mean, I could tell that was
heavy by the way your pecs --

by the sound it made
when it landed.

[ Hannah clears throat ]

[ Hums ] He has a jackknife.

He's a 24-year-old man
who carries a jackknife.

[ Sighs ] My favorite part
of the job.

[ Chuckles ]

-There you go.
-Ohh.

And that's for you.

Oh, this is beautiful.

There it is. That's the look.

Oh, you did good, Alex.
Mmm.

-You did good, Alex.
-Thanks.

Un-fucking-real!

-Hannah: [ Chuckles ] Mmm.
[ Snaps fingers ]

Damn.
And then he did that.

[ Door opens ]
-[ Laughs ]

[ Door closes ]

So is this crush going
both ways now or what?

Oh, I'm just playing,

just pawing him
back and forth a little.

-Mm.
-What?

Seriously, how much longer
is Rob gonna be gone?

[ Laughs, clears throat ]

-Mm. [ Inhales deeply ]
-Is everything okay?

-Yeah. [ Exhales deeply ]
-What are you doing?

What? We have to celebrate.

You, me, Emma, who else?

♪♪

What? What's that look?

Oh, you want strippers.
Yeah, I'm cool with strippers.

I'll just send the boys
off to a sleepover.

Better than strippers.

[ Snaps fingers ]
-Hookers.

Ooh. You're a bad, bad mama,
Carmen Amari.

♪♪

[ Clears throat ]
Just two seconds.

Homework?

It's not actually called that
after high school.

It's my thesis.

Yeah, and what's
the title again?

-I know you told me, but...
-"The Myth of Polyfidelity."

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

What?

Write what you know?

Is that why
you wanted to meet?

'Cause you think
you're on to something?

You were never a housekeeper
at the Carlyle.

How would you know?

Wait, did you actually
call them?

Don't need to now.

Oh, my God.

You -- you chose the --
the thesis subject of polyamory,

which admittedly,
I had to look up.

That is circumstantial
at best.

And then, last night,
the two of you were both

lying your asses off
about how you met.

-N-no.
-No, you...

All right, you don't need to
tell me if you don't want to.

♪♪

You were straight with me.
[ Clears throat ]

♪♪

We were together.

Me, Jack, and Emma.

♪♪

And I loved them both very much,
and they loved me.

And I know this sounds crazy,

but nothing in my life
had ever felt that right.

And I had never been happier,
or...fucking sadder.

But then she left us

'cause that's how these things
always end, so...

At least I got a thesis
out of it, right?

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

That's it?

You're just gonna, like,
nod like this?

Jack did this.

What? No.

Yeah, he made you
their plaything.

And then he decided that
he preferred the newer model

and chased his wife away.

[ Laughs ]
That's not even true.

If any one of us started it,
it was me.

I met him,
and then I met her,

and then I showed up
at their house.

Oh, god. Then this is my fault,
just like the drinking.

I am not you. Okay?

I am a fully formed
free-standing adult.

That's bullshit. You are exactly
me before I got straight.

Which means I know what
you need to do.

I swear to god, if you finish
that fucking sentence...

[ Cellphone vibrates ]
-Just...

[ Touchscreen clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

What is it?

Apparently, I'm going to
an impromptu soiree

in Hawthorne Heights.

Good times.

Where I'm gonna propose
to Jack.

Oh, Jesus, Izzy. Don't do
something stupid just --

No, honestly, all you have
to worry about

is whether or not
you can handle it.

If you wanna fucking bail,
fucking bail

'cause I know what
that looks like.

[ Limblifter's
"Ariel vs. Lotus" playing ]

Izzy: You're absolutely sure
that Emma left, right?

100%. [ Chuckles ]

That's what Carmen said so,
no reason for me to question it.

I didn't put a GPS tracker
on her, so...

No, not absolutely sure,
but...

Yeah.
She's going, going, gone-zo.

♪♪

♪ While it's eating ♪

What?

-Why are you acting weird?
-I'm not. [ Exhales sharply ]

♪ This is the cure ♪

Maybe I'm just repressing.
[ Sighs ]

-You're repressing?
-Yeah.

It means when you, like,
kind of push things down.

I know what it means.
No, I know.
Yeah.

So what feelings
are you repressing?

All of them.

-All of them?
-Yeah.

♪ Now ♪

Honey, what kind
of seeds are these?

-What am I looking at here?
-Carmen: Uh, caraway.

Caraway? Why are you buying
this stuff?

-It tastes good.
-Hello, hello. Hello.

-Dave: Hey, hey. There they are.
-Izzy: Hello.

-Hi.
-There they are!

-Why did you say it like that?
-Hi, I'm Izzy.

-Hi, I'm Hannah.
-Hi.

-Hi. Jack.
-Izzy: Congrats on the...

-Jack: Yeah.
-Oh. Thank -- thank you.

Hey, sweetie, come on. Come on.

Ah. There's another
neighborhood function

hijacked by polygamists.

My god,
what is Emma doing --

-You were in on this?
-Yeah.

So the runaway wife
returns again and again.

-I was wondering if --
-Which way's north?

♪♪

Look, can we do this
somewhere private?

♪♪

Mm, better yet. How 'bout
we just take this outside?

And just to be clear, I am
threatening to kick your ass.

-Oh, my god.
-Ow.

-I'm sorry.
[ Glass thuds ]

-Good start. Want a drink?
-Uh, yes. Thanks.

Dave: So can you eat -- can you
eat this food that comes...

It's very, uh...

♪♪

-Izzy: Okay.
-Bring back any memories?

You and me in a bathroom,
music playing?

Uh, no.
Doesn't ring a bell.

What part of "stay the fuck
away" do you not understand?

You're angry.

You're angry,
which means you care.

I am painfully aware
that I am using rage

to suppress feelings of
heartbreak and abandonment,

okay, but it's working.

Oh, uh, I'm proposing
to Jack tonight.

-Izzy. Iz!
-So I'm happy that you --

-What?!
-I'm pregnant.

♪♪

And I'm keeping it.

♪♪

♪ So much more than that ♪

Six weeks, so...

♪♪

♪♪

He knows, doesn't he?

♪♪

I don't know
if I'd say that he...

Fine, he --

Izzy: Jack!

Oh, god.

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Expect the unexpected ♪

♪ Anticipated ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Anticipated greater things ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Greater things ♪

♪ Greater things ♪

♪ Greater things ♪

♪♪