Original subtitles

Please tell me you watched

the last episode of "The Guest Book"?

It was the one where the doctor who lives next door

was feeling guilty about his marriage breaking up,

so he didn't want to go out with the cute little lady cop.

But then he found out their breakup wasn't his fault,

so now he and the cop are gonna go out on a date.

And the old man who the stripper is blackmailing

is having second thoughts about giving her

the keys to the cabin again.

Anyway, did you watch?

Nope.

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -

"My name is Jacob",

"and I find myself in your cabin

at the end of a long journey."

Look at that.

Your leather satchel has a zipper on it.

Would you mind if I tried it?

Knock yourself out.

Sweetheart, are you on drugs?

Oh, no. I'm Amish.

This is my Rumspringa.

May God show you your path

and may it lead you back into our waiting arms.

Rumspringa is when we go into the world

to experience things we are forbidden...

Television, cars,

non-traditional clothing with zippers

and something called Velcro.

The English world is full of thieves.

Take my hunting pistol for protection.

Just wave it around if you get in trouble.

I was nervous, and Papa wasn't helping.

My cousin Samuel left for

Rumspringa quite some time ago

and said I could stay with him.

Jacob! What up, son?!

Samuel's new ears reminded me

of my favorite toy as a child,

my hoop and stick.

At first, the outside world scared me.

Very loud, and they had strange customs.

But then I realized exactly what needed to be done.

Just like my parents always taught me,

put my faith in God and he will lead the way.

The first thing God wanted me to do was try electricity.

It was amazing.

Everything looked so real.

Dumbass. You gotta put the headphones on.

And don't watch that shit.

I got some bootleg DVDs if you want to check 'em out.

The next thing God wanted me to do

was watch something called "8 Mile."

The film was about a flaxen-haired

gentleman named B-Rabbit.

He talked quite rapidly to extremely catchy music,

and I found myself really getting a thrill out of it.

But that was nothing compared to how I felt

when I saw B-Rabbit's

beautiful girlfriend.

When I looked at her, God made me feel funny

between my stomach and the top of my legs.

And suddenly, it all made sense.

God wanted me to leave my family

so I could find my true love.

That's why he had me turn on the TV

and that's why he had me watch that movie.

He wanted me to find the actress

who played the part of B-Rabbit's girlfriend

and make her my wife.

That girl is dead.

Pardon?

That little white chick from the Eminem movie?

Brittany Murphy?

She's dead.

Only way you gonna see her in Los Angeles

is if you have a shovel.

I left my shovel at home.

It's turnip planting season.

Why would God put me on a bus to find my true love

when he's already taken her from this earth?

"Spend some time in God's country."

I told you not to call me at work.

Tough shit! I'm at work, too!

You need to give me the keys to Froggy Cottage.

No. I never agreed to do it more than once.

- I don't care what you... - Who is that?

Telemarketer.

Hello? Is this God's Country?

That's what the poster says.

Perfect.

I think he wants me to meet him here.

Well...

We rent cabins.

Did he happen to tell you which one

- he'd be waiting for you in? - No, but he will.

Froggy Cottage.

I'll need your name and phone number.

There's only one phone in my town.

It's for emergencies.

The number is area code

7-1-7...

1.

God?

God?

God?

God?

God?

It's me, Jacob.

God?

I searched for God all over your cabin,

but he was nowhere to be found.

So I went back to our previous

form of communication

so he could speak to me again.

That's when it finally all made sense.

God wasn't going to come to me.

He wanted me to come to him

and Brittany.

All I needed...

Was a bullet.

Normally, suicide is a sin.

But so is having sex with prostitutes,

taking drugs, stabbing a homeless man,

and everything else Papa told me he did

on his Rumspringa.

But God obviously has a special plan for me

that will send me into his waiting arms.

You people at the top of the mountain think

you are so smart, and us valley folk are so dumb.

Look at you, acting like you're king turd of shit mountain,

and you don't even understand the basic rules of blackmail.

I thought it was gonna be a one-time thing.

You can't just keep renting out the cabins

and expecting me to give you the keys.

Mom, maybe we could find another way...

Shut up, Frank.

Your shoes are untied, buddy.

Oh.

Excuse me?

I know your store sells naked women,

but is there a store nearby

that sells bullets for a gun?

Baby doll, if you're not

old enough to see titties,

you're not old enough for bullets.

Hey, kid.

I'll sell you a bullet for $5.

Sinnomin, start clapping.

Kid, follow the sounds of the claps.

Come on. Come on, please? Please?

They're not even my keys to give.

We rent those cabins for the owners.

Well, that's your problem, not mine.

Look, I got a couple of newlyweds coming in on Thursday,

so if I don't have the keys to a cabin

with a view of the lake by Wednesday night,

your wife is gonna have front row tickets

to a little movie I like to call,

"Your Husband is Sucking on my Titties."

Oh! I never...

You smushed them into my face!

She smushed them into my face.

He asked you out?

Wow! He's cute.

You should definitely sleep with him on the first date.

Mom.

Hello? Do you ladies know where I might purchase a tarp?

I'm planning something that will make a bit of a mess.

There's a hardware store

half a block down from the pizza place.

So if you could get this letter to my parents,

I would really appreciate it.

And make sure you tell them that I used a tarp

so I didn't mess up your floor.

Mom will like that.

See you on the other side! Jacob.

At first, I didn't know why God would delay me

from meeting my true love by

having the man give me a bullet

that was too big for Papa's gun.

But then I realized it was because I hadn't written

my last will and testament yet.

So here it is.

I leave my black pants to Daniel.

I leave my gray shirts to Isaac.

I leave my white shirts to Matthew.

I leave my hats to Papa.

I leave my macramé yarns and

macramé crafts to Gertrude.

I leave my hoop and stick to Ruth.

And I leave my livestock for the family to share.

Okay, that's it. I doubt I'll be able to find

the right bullet for Papa's gun,

so I'm going to look around your house

and see if I can find another way to kill myself.

- Oh! Hi. - Hello.

Ah.

Condoms.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

- I got some other stuff, too. - Uh-huh.

I got your message. Why did you...

You off the hook, buddy.

- Seriously? - Hey, look,

I didn't wanna do this to you in the first place,

but my stepmother threatened

to put a fork in my eye. And...

And then you just kept doing nice things...

Like telling me when my shoes were untied.

My dad used to tell me when my shoes were untied.

Hey, just don't tell her you got the tape from me, okay?

_

_

Well, I figured out a way to kill myself

and send me to heaven into the waiting

arms of Brittany Murphy.

I've decided to fill the tub up with water

and jump in, holding your toaster.

It's actually kind of poetic.

An Amish boy literally killed by electricity.

See you on the other side! Jacob.

Me again.

It turns out your cord on your toaster

doesn't reach the tub.

I tried heating it up, unplugging it,

and then jumping in the tub with it,

but it didn't kill me at all.

So I've decided to hang myself.

You didn't have any rope in your house,

so my only choice was to dismantle

your strange macramé art

and fashion myself a noose.

See you on the other side! Jacob.

I still can't believe I bought condoms from your mother.

I can't believe I got drunk enough to tell you that.

Mmm.

I don't suppose we can just pretend we didn't see that?

I kind of took an oath to protect and serve.

Aah!

I took a stupid oath, too.

Aah! Almost there, buddy.

I really liked our waitress tonight.

She was right about the fish, I'll tell you that.

Did Wilfrid drop those keys off yet?

Uh... no. He never... he never came by.

Well, hello, Vivian. I thought you might call.

When are you dropping off those keys?

- I'm not. - Yes, you are,

unless you want me to show that tape to your wife.

Well, you go ahead and do that if you think you can find it.

And what's that mean?

It means that maybe you "valley folk" are as dumb

as us "top of the mountain folk" think you are.

And if you want to rent a cabin,

you can call us at 8 a.m. when we're open.

Eat shit, dumbass!

Frank!

Frank!

Did I always have this many fingers?

Yeah, buddy.

I think that's just the hydrocodone kicking in.

We'll try to get in touch with your parents in the morning.

Who's that?

That's Marcia Brady.

You think it's okay to leave him here?

Oh, he'll be asleep before you know it.

Besides, he's not going anywhere.

Looks like he's in love.

She makes my stomach feel like I'm sledding.

So do you want me to take you home, or...

Or. I choose "or."

Finally, it all made sense.

God didn't let me kill myself

because he wanted me to be with an angel

right here on Earth...

Marcia Brady.

Not only is she beautiful,

but unlike Brittany,

she's exactly my age.

I have to find her.

And I know exactly where to look...

Los Angeles, California.

Thanks for letting me use your house.

I couldn't remember what your bizarre macramé

art looked like,

so I just tied it into an owl.

P.S., your toaster isn't working,

but maybe it will after it dries out.

I don't know a lot about electricity.

Good night.

Morning.

What time is it?

8:00.

Mount Trace Rentals.

Uh, yes, hello.

Is there the woman who work there available?

I'm sorry, she's out, uh, cleaning the cabins.

- Can I take a message? - That's okay.

I'll find her and tell her myself!

I don't need a tape, asshole!

I'm smart enough to paint an accurate picture with my words!

Titty-licker!

You smushed them into my face!

Oh.

Oh. Morning.

- Good morning. - Mm.

I'm sorry about that alarm.

My son's coming by later today. I wanted to get up early.

You go back to sleep.

Please.

- You can't tell her. - Shut up! Stay out of my way!

No, no, look, look, look. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have destroyed the blackmail tape.

Listen, I'll... I'll let you make another one.

I'll even really suck your titties this time.

This isn't about money anymore.

Nobody outsmarts me! I am gonna win this!

Well, wait!

Don't! Don't! Please! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Uhh!

What? Why?

What?!

Oh, my God! What?!

What? I-I was just practicing,

so... so my son...

She was gonna kill you. I had to shoot her, right?

Absolutely.

Uh, maybe we should, uh, get her out of sight

while we, uh, while we discuss this, huh?

- Good idea. - Yeah.

I can't believe I actually hit something I was aiming at.

♪ There's an arrow of love ♪

♪ Headed straight for you ♪

♪ From a heart that's sure ♪

♪ With a name that's true ♪

♪ No, don't feel the sting ♪

♪ 'Cause it's stung me, too ♪

♪ And happy, I lay wounded ♪

♪ In love with you ♪

♪ There's an arrow of fear ♪

♪ In my quiver it stays ♪

♪ For it pierced me deep ♪

- ♪ In my younger days ♪ - Marcia?

Rumspringa?

- ♪ Left me frozen in time ♪ - You're not the first.

Come on in and we'll figure out how to get you home.

♪ Without words to say ♪

This is what happens when you grow up not watching TV.

♪ Oh, come what may ♪

♪ There's an arrow that forgives ♪

♪ It doesn't compromise ♪

♪ And as long as I live ♪

♪ I'll have it in my side ♪

♪ And if everyone asks ♪

♪ What kind of soul am I ♪

♪ The kind with a heart ♪

♪ Bared open wide ♪

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -