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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,883 --> 00:00:03,282 Hey, man. Huh? That show I told you about, 2 00:00:03,402 --> 00:00:06,286 where people rent a cabin in the mountains, is on again tonight. 3 00:00:06,288 --> 00:00:09,256 It's pretty much a different story each week with brand-new characters, 4 00:00:09,258 --> 00:00:11,255 but there's a few things you should know. 5 00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:13,219 So, there's this stripper at a bikini bar 6 00:00:13,339 --> 00:00:15,709 who secretly records guys doing crazy foot stuff, 7 00:00:15,829 --> 00:00:17,778 and then her and her stepson blackmail them. 8 00:00:17,898 --> 00:00:19,862 - [FROG RIBBITS] - And there's this old couple 9 00:00:19,982 --> 00:00:21,719 who gives out the keys to people who rent the cabins, 10 00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:23,656 and the old dude started going to the bikini bar. 11 00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:25,686 There's also a guy who lives next door to the cabin 12 00:00:25,806 --> 00:00:27,083 who's going through a divorce, 13 00:00:27,203 --> 00:00:28,841 but I don't know what the deal with him is yet. 14 00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,880 - Anyways, you should check it out. - Yeah, I don't know. 15 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,035 My mother usually controls the clicker. 16 00:00:33,037 --> 00:00:34,637 [BAG THUDS] 17 00:00:37,206 --> 00:00:39,547 ♪ Wherever we go ♪ 18 00:00:39,979 --> 00:00:42,584 ♪ That's fine by me ♪ 19 00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,068 ♪ We'll settle our bones ♪ 20 00:00:45,469 --> 00:00:47,082 ♪ Eventually ♪ 21 00:00:47,202 --> 00:00:49,718 ♪ Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute ♪ 22 00:00:49,838 --> 00:00:52,608 ♪ Just give me one day ♪ 23 00:00:53,008 --> 00:00:56,731 ♪ Let's get, get, get away ♪ 24 00:00:56,851 --> 00:01:00,116 - Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com - 25 00:01:00,236 --> 00:01:02,699 [FROG CROAKING] 26 00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:06,953 PHYLLIS: Dear Jennifer, something crazy just happened, 27 00:01:06,955 --> 00:01:09,789 so I thought I'd let you know about it in your guest book. 28 00:01:09,791 --> 00:01:11,939 It all started when my husband decided 29 00:01:12,059 --> 00:01:14,248 we should treat his boss and his new wife 30 00:01:14,368 --> 00:01:16,195 to a vacation in the mountains. 31 00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,664 ♪ 32 00:01:19,228 --> 00:01:21,432 [CELLPHONE RINGS] 33 00:01:21,552 --> 00:01:23,309 ♪ 34 00:01:23,429 --> 00:01:26,567 [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER] 35 00:01:27,342 --> 00:01:29,041 JOHN: Let me do the talking. 36 00:01:32,296 --> 00:01:35,130 - In a hurry? - Yeah. Sorry, officer. 37 00:01:35,132 --> 00:01:37,885 Um, normally, I would be the one driving, but 38 00:01:38,005 --> 00:01:40,463 we stopped for lunch, and my boss back there 39 00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:42,905 pressured me into having a couple of beers. 40 00:01:42,907 --> 00:01:45,474 So, maybe you could let us off with a warning 41 00:01:45,594 --> 00:01:48,177 since we were being so responsible. 42 00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,479 I guess that sounds fair. 43 00:01:51,273 --> 00:01:54,383 So your boss... Was he drinking, as well? 44 00:01:54,385 --> 00:01:55,851 Which boss? 45 00:01:56,788 --> 00:01:59,793 Sir, will you step out of the car, please? 46 00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:10,492 [DOOR CLOSES] 47 00:02:11,490 --> 00:02:13,936 Got one. He wouldn't let me do much to him, 48 00:02:14,056 --> 00:02:16,298 but he's wearing a ring, so I bet he'll cough up 49 00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:18,941 a couple hundred once he learns it's all on tape. 50 00:02:18,943 --> 00:02:21,714 Okay. Hey, I, uh, found this picture 51 00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,445 - of you, me, and my dad. - [ENGINE STARTS IN DISTANCE] 52 00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,746 I was thinking we could put it up behind the bar. 53 00:02:25,866 --> 00:02:28,740 People come in here to get drunk and stare at bouncing titties, 54 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,476 not pictures of dead black men. 55 00:02:30,596 --> 00:02:33,013 Besides, I was only married to your father for like a month. 56 00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:35,224 Keep it in your pocket if you miss him so much. 57 00:02:37,728 --> 00:02:40,362 ♪ 58 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,858 That's twice! 59 00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:56,078 What'd you do, watch a pantyhose commercial or somethin'? 60 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,514 PHYLLIS: That... first of all, that's ridiculous. 61 00:02:58,516 --> 00:03:01,854 You told me to speed up, so how is this my fault? 62 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,267 - Can I help you? - Yes. 63 00:03:03,387 --> 00:03:05,449 We're here to pick up the key for Froggy Cottage. 64 00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:07,857 - Coming right up. - David just called. 65 00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:09,792 We can pick him up at the station. 66 00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:12,227 I'm gonna run next door and get him some whiskey. 67 00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:14,129 [BABY VOICE] He sounded fussy. 68 00:03:14,131 --> 00:03:15,898 [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] 69 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,855 [TELEPHONE RINGING] 70 00:03:22,306 --> 00:03:24,488 [RING] 71 00:03:24,608 --> 00:03:25,739 [BEEP] 72 00:03:25,859 --> 00:03:27,694 Chubbys... we won't tell if you don't. 73 00:03:27,814 --> 00:03:30,098 Bullshit. Hey, it's me. 74 00:03:30,218 --> 00:03:32,381 I don't think I should do this one. 75 00:03:32,383 --> 00:03:34,583 It looks like he was just trying to get things going 76 00:03:34,585 --> 00:03:37,886 so he could bang his old wife, and that can't be easy. 77 00:03:37,888 --> 00:03:41,056 I don't care. Business around here isn't exactly thriving. 78 00:03:42,144 --> 00:03:44,777 Pick 'em up... slow. 79 00:03:44,897 --> 00:03:46,562 Look, blackmailing these horny tourists 80 00:03:46,564 --> 00:03:48,163 is the only way to keep this place open. 81 00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:49,598 And I can't go back to dental hygiening. 82 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,367 - That's how I got Hep C. - I know, but... 83 00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:54,703 Don't come back here without my money and a Twix! 84 00:03:54,705 --> 00:03:55,904 [LINE DISCONNECTS] 85 00:03:55,906 --> 00:03:59,141 ♪ 86 00:04:02,228 --> 00:04:05,234 Yep, they got my laptop, and they took her purse. 87 00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,450 Well, just make sure to cancel all her credit cards. 88 00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:10,285 Hey, I'm really sorry about this. 89 00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:11,654 Shh! I can't believe... 90 00:04:11,656 --> 00:04:15,157 No, not you. Someone's bothering me. 91 00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:19,057 Hey! Psst! 92 00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,666 Do you have any Plan B pills I could borrow? 93 00:04:22,786 --> 00:04:24,600 - Excuse me? - Don't tell David 94 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,368 because he's super pro-life, 95 00:04:26,370 --> 00:04:28,170 but mine were in the purse that got stolen. 96 00:04:28,172 --> 00:04:31,022 David hates condoms, so he told me to get on the pill. 97 00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:33,275 But the pill gives me whiskers on my chin, 98 00:04:33,277 --> 00:04:35,844 so I've been secretly taking Plan B instead. 99 00:04:35,846 --> 00:04:38,447 Anyway, do you have any I could borrow? 100 00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,982 No, sorry. 101 00:04:39,984 --> 00:04:42,718 Had a hysterectomy in my 20s. 102 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,687 Lucky. 103 00:04:44,689 --> 00:04:48,090 I bet you lost, like, 2 pounds just like that. 104 00:04:51,539 --> 00:04:54,502 Hey, buddy. Come on, man. 105 00:04:55,299 --> 00:04:56,565 Hey! 106 00:04:56,906 --> 00:04:58,336 What's that about? 107 00:04:58,456 --> 00:05:00,426 [MOUTH FULL] I told him this was all your fault. 108 00:05:00,546 --> 00:05:03,138 [LIGHTER CLICKS] The separation? Why would you do that? 109 00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:04,640 - Because it is. - How? 110 00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,508 Plus, I had a date the other night, 111 00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,486 and he kept judging me with those little beady eyes of his. 112 00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:10,579 I had to tell him something to get him off my back. 113 00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:12,635 You're dating now? 114 00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:16,326 A guy from the gym took me to the Red Lobster. 115 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,853 Don't get all weepy. 116 00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:19,421 Mm-hmm. 117 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,487 Pussy. 118 00:05:24,428 --> 00:05:27,504 ♪ 119 00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:29,641 - DAVID: Who's thirsty? - I'll have one. 120 00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:31,900 Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink. 121 00:05:31,902 --> 00:05:35,002 ♪ 122 00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:38,998 Last one in the hot tub has body issues! 123 00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:40,676 I don't drink? 124 00:05:40,678 --> 00:05:42,825 [LOWERED VOICE] This weekend is already a disaster. 125 00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:44,407 And you get mouthy when you're drunk. 126 00:05:44,527 --> 00:05:47,016 I don't need another St. Patrick's Day. 127 00:05:47,859 --> 00:05:50,614 Fine. But your niece started that. 128 00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,043 - She's 8. - She's racist. 129 00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:56,458 The alcohol kept flowing, and by the end of the night, 130 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,928 everyone except me could barely make it back to their bedrooms. 131 00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:01,230 [LAUGHS] 132 00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:02,865 And that's when it happened. 133 00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:05,334 [TELEPHONE RINGING] 134 00:06:08,439 --> 00:06:11,110 - [SNORING] - [RING] 135 00:06:14,712 --> 00:06:16,011 Hello? 136 00:06:16,013 --> 00:06:18,681 Jennifer, is that you? It's me, Marcia. 137 00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:21,150 I-I have to hurry. He's in the bathroom. 138 00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,685 I'm sorry. I think you... 139 00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,253 - MAN: Who are you talking to? - [BEEP] 140 00:06:24,255 --> 00:06:26,922 No one! It's just the cats. 141 00:06:26,924 --> 00:06:28,964 [IMITATES CAT MEOWING] 142 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,840 [BELL RINGS] 143 00:06:33,306 --> 00:06:35,094 Getting a call like that 144 00:06:35,214 --> 00:06:37,081 in the middle of the night was pretty jarring, 145 00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,048 but since John blames me 146 00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,622 for anything bad or strange that ever happens, 147 00:06:41,742 --> 00:06:44,923 I tried to go back to bed and just forget about it. 148 00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:48,514 - [TELEPHONE RINGS] - [GASPS] 149 00:06:48,634 --> 00:06:50,623 [RING] 150 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,291 - Hello? - Jennifer, I need help. 151 00:06:53,411 --> 00:06:56,682 Okay, look, I'm not Jennifer. We're just renting the place, okay? 152 00:06:56,802 --> 00:06:59,101 Yeah? You... Maybe you want the owners? 153 00:06:59,221 --> 00:07:01,654 Yes! Oh, I'm looking for my sister, Jennifer. 154 00:07:01,774 --> 00:07:04,834 Ah, she always said she was gonna move away and rent the place out. 155 00:07:04,954 --> 00:07:06,877 Damn, I really needed her to wire me money 156 00:07:06,879 --> 00:07:09,246 for a bus ticket so that I can leave my husband. 157 00:07:09,248 --> 00:07:10,447 [CAT MEOWS] 158 00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:12,582 - Are you being abused? - Oh, no, no. 159 00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:14,684 I'm... I'm in a plural marriage, 160 00:07:14,686 --> 00:07:16,753 and I'm beginning to have second thoughts 161 00:07:16,755 --> 00:07:18,860 about being married to one man and three women. 162 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,590 You know, this latest wife is 24 163 00:07:20,592 --> 00:07:22,225 and he gave her bedroom duties 164 00:07:22,227 --> 00:07:24,361 and put me in charge of laundry and pet care. 165 00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:27,553 - Well, that sounds terrible. - Oh, it is. 166 00:07:27,673 --> 00:07:30,449 You know, I would just... I would buy the bus ticket myself, 167 00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:32,536 except the sister wife who's in charge of finances 168 00:07:32,538 --> 00:07:35,138 never lets the debit card out of her sight. 169 00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:37,374 Man, if you could pay for a bus ticket 170 00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:39,142 with dryer sheets and kitty litter, 171 00:07:39,144 --> 00:07:41,578 I would've been out of here months ago. 172 00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:44,512 What? 173 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,727 Jesus! Um, hey. 174 00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:48,752 H-H-How much money do you need? 175 00:07:49,187 --> 00:07:52,389 I used my phone to go online and wire her the money. 176 00:07:52,391 --> 00:07:54,424 You don't have to pay me back, Jen. 177 00:07:54,426 --> 00:07:57,227 I like to think you'd do the same for my sister. 178 00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,349 Take care. Phyllis. 179 00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,869 So, when you, uh, retired, 180 00:08:03,989 --> 00:08:05,740 what was your specialty? 181 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,638 Shiatsu, reflexology? 182 00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:10,907 I would just touch the guys really soft and slow. 183 00:08:10,909 --> 00:08:13,510 If he was a regular, I'd let the back of my hand 184 00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:16,213 accidentally brush up against his nut sack a few times. 185 00:08:16,215 --> 00:08:18,856 - Is that how you met David? - Oh, no. 186 00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:22,501 - He wasn't a client. - No, we met at a Mike Huckabee rally. 187 00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:24,654 David was holding a sign that said... 188 00:08:24,656 --> 00:08:26,468 What did it say again, honey? 189 00:08:26,588 --> 00:08:28,959 "If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted." 190 00:08:28,961 --> 00:08:32,031 I didn't understand it at first, so he explained it to me. 191 00:08:32,151 --> 00:08:34,497 And then he complimented me on my eyes, 192 00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,366 which pissed off his wife. 193 00:08:36,368 --> 00:08:38,635 Who turned out to be a real bitch, by the way. 194 00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:41,004 - Total bitch. - Anyway... 195 00:08:41,006 --> 00:08:42,940 Ah. [SIGHS] 196 00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:44,522 Where did you get that? 197 00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:47,177 I won it in a silent auction at a charity event 198 00:08:47,179 --> 00:08:49,212 - for kids with jacked-up smiles. - [CHUCKLES] 199 00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:51,894 I've been wanting to get out of the city and give it a go. 200 00:08:52,014 --> 00:08:53,156 [SIGHS] 201 00:08:53,276 --> 00:08:56,418 - Hey, bud. You want to play some catch? - No. 202 00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,323 [EXHALES DEEPLY] Okay. 203 00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:02,626 Wanna talk about what your mom said? 204 00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:04,694 No. 205 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,132 - Oh, sh... - Oh. 206 00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:10,433 ♪ 207 00:09:10,435 --> 00:09:12,936 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 208 00:09:16,045 --> 00:09:18,842 Whoa. Cool! 209 00:09:20,822 --> 00:09:22,712 [RING] Hello? 210 00:09:22,714 --> 00:09:25,315 - Phyllis, I did it. I got out. - [CHUCKLES] 211 00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,917 I didn't even say goodbye to the cat. 212 00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:28,585 I was hoping you could pick me up. 213 00:09:28,587 --> 00:09:30,654 I'm across the street from a bikini bar. 214 00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:32,445 You're here? 215 00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,509 Yeah, the bus let me off right in front of 216 00:09:34,629 --> 00:09:37,260 Wang's Tastey Delightful. 217 00:09:37,262 --> 00:09:39,429 Uh, Marcia? 218 00:09:39,431 --> 00:09:41,765 My husband's boss is here, 219 00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:44,467 and even though things started out real rough at first, 220 00:09:44,469 --> 00:09:46,036 they're going well now, okay? 221 00:09:46,038 --> 00:09:48,967 I-I can't throw the midnight caller into the mix. 222 00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:51,374 Well, I-I just need to walk around the house 223 00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:53,554 and look for a clue how to find my sister. 224 00:09:53,674 --> 00:09:55,045 Please, Phyllis. 225 00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:57,647 You're the only friend I have right now. 226 00:09:58,421 --> 00:10:00,216 Please? 227 00:10:00,218 --> 00:10:02,776 [DAVID SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 228 00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:05,889 Be right back. We're out of milk. 229 00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:07,891 Hey, Bethany should be able to make milk 230 00:10:07,893 --> 00:10:09,527 with how much I paid for her titties. 231 00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:11,428 [LAUGHTER] 232 00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:12,909 She didn't get it. 233 00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:15,208 Hello, it's Phyllis again. 234 00:10:15,328 --> 00:10:17,998 Last I left you, I was heading over to pick up Marcia. 235 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,388 ♪ 236 00:10:21,442 --> 00:10:22,641 Marcia. 237 00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,443 Oh. How'd you guess? 238 00:10:24,445 --> 00:10:26,378 You're wearing four wedding bands. 239 00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,280 Oh. [LAUGHS] 240 00:10:28,282 --> 00:10:30,182 Yeah, hey, listen, do me a favor. 241 00:10:30,184 --> 00:10:33,319 Go inside, order me a slippery shrimp, okay? 242 00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:35,187 I'm gonna go park the car. I don't wanna take you back 243 00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:37,022 to the house till everyone's tits up. 244 00:10:37,024 --> 00:10:40,074 Okay. Slipper... Okay. Tits up. Got it. 245 00:10:40,394 --> 00:10:42,828 ♪ 246 00:10:48,569 --> 00:10:50,302 $1 for the teeth-bleaching strips. 247 00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:51,837 Do I have $1 and 10 cents? 248 00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:55,169 - Sold. - Yay! 249 00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:57,977 I'm gonna see if these work on buttholes. 250 00:10:57,979 --> 00:11:00,279 They don't. It just stings. 251 00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:03,182 Oh, now here's something you both might be interested in. 252 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,666 Plan B. Let's start the bidding 253 00:11:05,786 --> 00:11:08,387 on this convenient little abortion at $3. 254 00:11:08,389 --> 00:11:09,855 ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ 255 00:11:09,857 --> 00:11:11,259 ♪ 256 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:14,443 - Sorry. Are you closed? - [DOOR CLOSES] 257 00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,879 - No, we're open. - Great! 258 00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:20,791 - ♪ Come on ♪ - Your shoe's untied, buddy. 259 00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:24,637 Hey, Frank, can I talk to you outside for a second? 260 00:11:25,522 --> 00:11:27,072 You lied to me. 261 00:11:27,074 --> 00:11:28,807 I should've known that old man wouldn't have 262 00:11:28,809 --> 00:11:30,509 given you a laptop and a purse. 263 00:11:30,511 --> 00:11:32,111 Yeah, I stole it. 264 00:11:32,113 --> 00:11:33,979 I couldn't blackmail him. 265 00:11:33,981 --> 00:11:35,881 There are not that many black people up here, 266 00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:38,350 and it doesn't feel right to start turning on each other. 267 00:11:38,352 --> 00:11:40,052 He's not a tourist? 268 00:11:40,054 --> 00:11:42,528 No. He works at that rental place. 269 00:11:42,648 --> 00:11:44,790 Rents Cabins for the Owners. 270 00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:46,692 He gives people the keys. 271 00:11:46,694 --> 00:11:48,694 That old dude has a key 272 00:11:48,696 --> 00:11:51,712 - to every rental cabin on the mountain? - Yeah. 273 00:11:51,999 --> 00:11:53,878 ♪ 274 00:11:53,998 --> 00:11:57,227 Well, let's get him a drink and make sure he keeps coming back. 275 00:11:57,347 --> 00:12:00,195 That guy's our new retirement plan. 276 00:12:00,315 --> 00:12:03,309 PHYLLIS: So, uh, plural marriage... not for you, huh? 277 00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,377 Uh, I don't know if I'm against plural marriage, 278 00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:08,197 or if I just haven't found the right guy and gal 279 00:12:08,317 --> 00:12:10,665 - and gal and gal. - Yeah, well, you know, 280 00:12:10,785 --> 00:12:12,918 finding one of those is hard enough. 281 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,987 John and I get along pretty well most of the time, 282 00:12:14,989 --> 00:12:17,623 but man, this week has been so stressful. 283 00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:20,292 Plus, anytime anything goes wrong, he just blames me. 284 00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:22,761 [GASPS] My husband and wives do that to me, too. 285 00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:24,396 - Get out of here! - I'm serious. 286 00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:27,618 It all started after I had the worst Thursday ever. 287 00:12:27,738 --> 00:12:29,802 My bedroom in the basement flooded, 288 00:12:29,804 --> 00:12:31,236 a vending machine fell on me, 289 00:12:31,238 --> 00:12:33,238 and my favorite cat accidentally hung herself. 290 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,075 Ever since that happened, anytime anything goes wrong, 291 00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:38,733 they say it's my fault because I'm cursed. 292 00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:40,646 Okay, that is bullshit. 293 00:12:40,648 --> 00:12:42,281 That is total bullshit. 294 00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,669 - You know, they call me "Schleprock". - What? 295 00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:46,251 Which is some sort of reference 296 00:12:46,253 --> 00:12:48,253 to "The Flintstones" that I don't even get. 297 00:12:48,255 --> 00:12:50,251 But I told myself, "If they call me that one 298 00:12:50,371 --> 00:12:52,157 "more time, I am leaving." 299 00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,579 What do you think they called me last night? 300 00:12:54,699 --> 00:12:55,949 Hmm. 301 00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,037 "Schleppy." 302 00:12:58,366 --> 00:13:00,699 But it was short for "Schleprock." 303 00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:01,802 Wow. 304 00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:04,386 John calls me "Drama Magnet." 305 00:13:04,506 --> 00:13:05,672 Oh. 306 00:13:05,792 --> 00:13:07,240 It's not from a cartoon, 307 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,842 but you know, if he ever does it again, 308 00:13:09,844 --> 00:13:11,777 I'm gonna just stand up for myself. 309 00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:14,474 You've inspired me, Marcia. I'm not gonna take it anymore. 310 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,149 Good for you. [CHUCKLES] 311 00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:18,818 ♪ 312 00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,434 Anyone ever tell you you smell like snickerdoodles? 313 00:13:21,554 --> 00:13:24,390 Yes! I've heard that quite a few times. 314 00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,315 - It's good, right? - It's great. 315 00:13:27,435 --> 00:13:29,128 [FROG CROAKING] 316 00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,255 Once it was dark, I figured it was safe 317 00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:34,033 to take Marcia back to the house. 318 00:13:34,035 --> 00:13:36,335 [GRUNTS] 319 00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:39,672 Probably best if we don't tell your mom about this. 320 00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,774 You can try it next time you visit, okay? 321 00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:44,692 - You want to keep visiting, right? - Are you kidding? Of course. 322 00:13:44,812 --> 00:13:46,123 Good. 323 00:13:47,315 --> 00:13:50,449 Can I shoot this with my shirt off? 324 00:13:50,451 --> 00:13:52,718 I don't see why not. 325 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,320 This isn't my sister's house. 326 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,958 My sister's house is yellow, 327 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,727 and the mailbox is a mini Eiffel Tower. 328 00:14:01,729 --> 00:14:04,849 Marcia, this is the house you called. 329 00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:11,658 What... Does that look like a 2 or a 3? 330 00:14:11,778 --> 00:14:12,962 Uh, 331 00:14:13,082 --> 00:14:16,075 I-I don't know because it's... it's very smudged. 332 00:14:16,077 --> 00:14:19,011 It could be a zero. Actually, it's all smudged. 333 00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:21,992 I know. I guessed at most of those. 334 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,450 I think... I think the cats peed on it. 335 00:14:24,452 --> 00:14:25,851 Oh, seriously? 336 00:14:25,853 --> 00:14:28,510 I think they knew I was leaving. 337 00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:31,624 At this point, we both realized 338 00:14:31,626 --> 00:14:33,262 something that you must have known 339 00:14:33,382 --> 00:14:35,227 when you started reading this story... 340 00:14:35,229 --> 00:14:38,497 You're not Jennifer, and Marcia is not your sister. 341 00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:41,100 [BOTH LAUGHING] 342 00:14:43,502 --> 00:14:46,472 Oh. [WHISPERS] Oh, boy. 343 00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,440 Do you care if I sleep on the porch, 344 00:14:48,442 --> 00:14:50,476 and then tomorrow I can walk around 345 00:14:50,478 --> 00:14:52,578 and... and try and find my sister's house? 346 00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:54,780 No, you can't sleep outside. You'll freeze. 347 00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:57,883 I have an idea. 348 00:15:00,121 --> 00:15:03,263 Since my car is so small, I let her sleep in David's car. 349 00:15:03,383 --> 00:15:05,257 Worst case... They'll wonder why 350 00:15:05,259 --> 00:15:07,226 their car smells like snickerdoodles. 351 00:15:07,228 --> 00:15:09,795 Anyway, just thought you'd wanna hear how things turned out 352 00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,830 even if it wasn't your sister. 353 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,237 Oh, by the way, don't wanna make a big deal out of it... 354 00:15:18,239 --> 00:15:20,606 There was a used syringe in your driveway. 355 00:15:20,608 --> 00:15:22,174 ♪ 356 00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,009 I decided to hide your guest book 357 00:15:24,011 --> 00:15:25,945 in a closet I found under your stairs 358 00:15:25,947 --> 00:15:29,333 so my husband doesn't read any of this. Take care. Phyllis. 359 00:15:29,453 --> 00:15:31,784 [DOOR CREAKS] 360 00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,187 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 361 00:15:37,461 --> 00:15:39,349 [RING] 362 00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:46,131 [RING] 363 00:15:46,563 --> 00:15:48,100 Hello? 364 00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:49,758 Is Marcia there? 365 00:15:49,878 --> 00:15:52,137 - Who is this? - It's Marcia's husband. 366 00:15:52,139 --> 00:15:55,574 I checked the phone bill online and saw she called this number. 367 00:15:55,576 --> 00:15:58,764 Is she there? I just wanna tell her I love her. 368 00:15:58,884 --> 00:16:00,713 Please. 369 00:16:00,715 --> 00:16:02,419 [CAT MEOWS] 370 00:16:02,539 --> 00:16:04,216 Hold on. 371 00:16:04,218 --> 00:16:05,651 [MEOWING CONTINUES] 372 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,203 [DOOR CREAKS] 373 00:16:11,592 --> 00:16:12,858 ♪ 374 00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:17,162 Oh, for shit's sake. 375 00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:20,485 Hey, Big Love. 376 00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:23,188 One of your wives just stole a car. 377 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,489 Hello? 378 00:16:24,491 --> 00:16:26,057 [CAT MEOWS] 379 00:16:27,248 --> 00:16:29,094 [RECEIVER CLATTERS] 380 00:16:36,436 --> 00:16:38,370 No sign of forced entry. 381 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,106 Are you sure you didn't leave the keys in the Escalade? 382 00:16:41,108 --> 00:16:44,175 Positive. I left it right there on that table. 383 00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:47,275 Someone must have walked in and took 'em. 384 00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:49,347 Phyllis, you were up longer than us. 385 00:16:49,349 --> 00:16:50,815 Did you lock the door? 386 00:16:50,817 --> 00:16:53,482 Oh, yeah, sure. Front door locked real tight. 387 00:16:53,602 --> 00:16:56,087 Back door, always open. [CLICKS TONGUE] 388 00:16:56,089 --> 00:16:59,657 Isn't that right, officer? You know what I'm talking about. 389 00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:01,126 - Really? - Hmm? 390 00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:03,428 Now? You decide to start drinking now? 391 00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:05,196 - [HORN HONKS] - That's for us. 392 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,599 I ordered a cab to take us to the rental car place. 393 00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,256 - David, I don't mind driving you. - No, you... 394 00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:11,069 Oh. You've done enough. 395 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,271 Thank you, John, for an amazing weekend. 396 00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:15,974 I'm... I'm sorry, David. I mean, trust me. 397 00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:19,210 My wife's the jinx in this family, not me. 398 00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,912 What did you say? 399 00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:23,848 You know it's true. You're a drama magnet. 400 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,553 Hey, David. 401 00:17:28,555 --> 00:17:31,890 You're gonna wanna take a couple drinks for the road 402 00:17:31,892 --> 00:17:33,629 'cause you're gonna wanna be real nice and lubed up 403 00:17:33,749 --> 00:17:36,086 when you find out that that your monkey-brained child bride 404 00:17:36,206 --> 00:17:38,185 is probably pregnant 'cause her birth control 405 00:17:38,305 --> 00:17:40,765 was in her purse that got stolen. 406 00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,901 Mm. Mm. Oh, wait. 407 00:17:42,903 --> 00:17:47,605 And what birth control would that be? Hmm. 408 00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:49,841 Well let's just go ahead and say 409 00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,609 she wasn't using Plan A. 410 00:17:51,611 --> 00:17:54,779 Isn't that right? That's right, David. 411 00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:56,548 Every time you finish 412 00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:59,484 pumping and wheezing on top of your barely legal spouse, 413 00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:02,854 she just pops one of those handy dandy little 414 00:18:02,856 --> 00:18:05,256 no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills. 415 00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:08,393 Hey, what... what do you think your little right-wing, 416 00:18:08,395 --> 00:18:11,262 bass guitar-playing buddy would think about that? Huh? 417 00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:14,065 What do ya think, you bald, alcoholic, 418 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:18,102 halitosis-having, cheap wristwatch-wearing 419 00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:19,647 piece of shit? 420 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,274 Borderline pedophile... What... what do you think? 421 00:18:24,077 --> 00:18:25,502 The pill gives me whiskers. 422 00:18:25,622 --> 00:18:27,621 - I look like a catfish. - Bethany, 423 00:18:28,064 --> 00:18:30,815 we'll talk about it in the car. 424 00:18:35,088 --> 00:18:37,188 I probably shouldn't have drunk. 425 00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:43,953 ♪ First one gets me started ♪ 426 00:18:44,298 --> 00:18:47,766 ♪ Second one breaks me out ♪ 427 00:18:47,768 --> 00:18:51,536 ♪ Third one, I'm eating fat fried chicken ♪ 428 00:18:51,538 --> 00:18:55,640 ♪ And cursing strangers out ♪ 429 00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:59,744 ♪ Fourth one, I reconsider it ♪ 430 00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:02,981 ♪ Fifth one, I'm having doubts ♪ 431 00:19:02,983 --> 00:19:06,952 ♪ On the sixth one, I'm in a bathroom stall ♪ 432 00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:10,855 ♪ With my tongue in someone's mouth ♪ 433 00:19:11,825 --> 00:19:15,260 ♪ Lord, I need a double of ♪ 434 00:19:15,262 --> 00:19:18,263 ♪ One too many's not enough ♪ 435 00:19:18,265 --> 00:19:19,731 ♪ But ooh ♪ 436 00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:23,235 ♪ Tip it back, it ain't no bluff ♪ 437 00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:26,701 ♪ One too many's not enough ♪ 438 00:19:26,821 --> 00:19:31,009 ♪ No, one too many's not enough, no, no ♪ 439 00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,479 - Hi. - [DOOR CLOSES] 440 00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:37,082 I'm here to pick up the keys to Froggy Cottage. 441 00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:39,026 My husband usually handles that. 442 00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:41,051 I don't know where he done got off to. 443 00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,254 But I can help you, though. Nice place... 444 00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,437 Some jackass pissed in the kitchen, 445 00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:48,575 but I mopped it up. They left an awful lot of liquor, too. 446 00:19:48,695 --> 00:19:51,169 - You can help yourself if you like. - Oh, no, thanks. 447 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,949 I'm up here so my girlfriend can get to know my daughter. 448 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,169 Probably not the best time to impair our judgment. 449 00:20:03,275 --> 00:20:06,709 [TELEPHONE RINGS] [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 450 00:20:06,829 --> 00:20:08,635 Phyllis? It's Marcia. 451 00:20:08,755 --> 00:20:11,123 Listen, sorry about the car. I-I got hungry, 452 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,780 so I grabbed the keys from inside and I went looking for food. 453 00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,891 But then a bee flew in the car, and I drove it into the lake. 454 00:20:17,011 --> 00:20:20,053 I managed to swim to shore, but the Escalade sunk to the bottom. 455 00:20:20,173 --> 00:20:22,165 [HORN BLARES] Man: Get off the highway, you stupid bitch! 456 00:20:22,285 --> 00:20:24,274 You! You get off the highway, you stupid bitch! 457 00:20:24,394 --> 00:20:26,777 Anyway, I've decided to hitchhike back home. 458 00:20:26,779 --> 00:20:28,494 I'm just... I'm no good on my own. 459 00:20:28,514 --> 00:20:30,815 And if the insurance company needs to get in touch with me, 460 00:20:30,817 --> 00:20:33,502 - my number's 7-4... - [TRUCK HORN BLARES] 461 00:20:33,622 --> 00:20:35,601 - ... 3-8. Take care! - [LINE DISCONNECTS] 462 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,332 - Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com - 35031

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