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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,223 ♪ 2 00:00:16,564 --> 00:00:17,930 [WOMEN CHATTING] 3 00:00:17,932 --> 00:00:20,466 Romey Rome is the business. 4 00:00:20,468 --> 00:00:22,802 Even when he does the little boy Roscoe. 5 00:00:22,804 --> 00:00:25,938 "You gonna give me some of your candy." 6 00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,240 - Wazzup! - Oh, my God. 7 00:00:27,242 --> 00:00:28,909 That's it right there. That's me right there. 8 00:00:28,911 --> 00:00:30,844 That's Marty Mar right there. 9 00:00:30,846 --> 00:00:32,345 Hey, Martin, I'm happy you back, man. 10 00:00:32,347 --> 00:00:34,113 I'm happy you back on the stage doing your thing, man. 11 00:00:34,115 --> 00:00:36,016 Damn, Gina! 12 00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:37,584 Hey, Martin. 13 00:00:37,586 --> 00:00:39,989 - Martin! - Oh, geez. 14 00:00:41,422 --> 00:00:42,358 Hell, yeah. 15 00:00:51,366 --> 00:00:53,970 MARTIN: The sounds of the laughter is the fuel. 16 00:00:54,502 --> 00:00:55,837 It's the oil. 17 00:00:57,071 --> 00:00:58,404 It's the basketball going in the net, hearing the net, 18 00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,639 the sound of the net. 19 00:00:59,641 --> 00:01:02,475 That laughter is key to everything because that's 20 00:01:02,477 --> 00:01:05,111 the reward, that's what you do it for. 21 00:01:05,113 --> 00:01:08,184 You do it for the laughter. You do it to make people laugh. 22 00:01:09,550 --> 00:01:12,853 And they enjoy themself and sometimes they stand 23 00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,255 you know, give big applause, whatever, you know, 24 00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:17,624 and just to see that they enjoyed the show and the love, 25 00:01:17,626 --> 00:01:21,994 that's the most fun about it. To me, it's the reward. 26 00:01:21,996 --> 00:01:24,497 'Cause everything else is a process and everything else. 27 00:01:24,499 --> 00:01:27,267 You know, you gotta get enough rest, you gotta make sure 28 00:01:27,269 --> 00:01:31,238 you got some food in your body for fuel, everything. 29 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:36,243 But the reward is when I see the people laughing. 30 00:01:36,245 --> 00:01:40,817 The life of a comedian, backstage pass, all access. 31 00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:50,589 I remember going to see Eddie Murphy, uh, 32 00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:53,526 he was performing at Richmond Coliseum or somewhere, 33 00:01:53,528 --> 00:01:58,131 and I drove from Maryland two hours to see him, 34 00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:02,434 and I remember seeing him then and he was so good 35 00:02:02,436 --> 00:02:05,639 and I just said to myself, "Man, that's what I wanna do." 36 00:02:05,641 --> 00:02:10,643 And comedy, stand-up comedy, was my way in. 37 00:02:10,645 --> 00:02:14,146 I think we good. Let's have some fun, right? 38 00:02:14,148 --> 00:02:17,449 To start a comedy career, it's a grind. I mean, you know, 39 00:02:17,451 --> 00:02:20,453 going to the comedy clubs, smoke-filled rooms, 40 00:02:20,455 --> 00:02:24,056 you know, maybe about a hundred people, two-hundred people, 41 00:02:24,058 --> 00:02:27,928 you trying to convince them what you believe is funny, is funny. 42 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:32,531 But when it hit me was when I got chose for Star Search. 43 00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:34,267 Let's bring on Martin Lawrence. 44 00:02:34,269 --> 00:02:37,237 MARTIN: And I auditioned for Claudia McMahon 45 00:02:37,239 --> 00:02:39,038 and I did my act, 46 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,508 I was blue and everything, I just was myself, 47 00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,376 and believe it or not they called me. 48 00:02:44,378 --> 00:02:45,644 The man would make it worse, 'cause you could just say, 49 00:02:45,646 --> 00:02:46,882 "I'm going out!" 50 00:02:47,916 --> 00:02:51,150 She say, "I cook for you, I clean for you..." 51 00:02:51,152 --> 00:02:54,086 Then it makes the man feel bad. He say, "I'm sorry honey, 52 00:02:54,088 --> 00:02:57,357 I did not even know it was like that. God, I love you too. 53 00:02:57,359 --> 00:02:58,692 Now give me the car keys." 54 00:02:58,694 --> 00:03:00,160 Thank you, you guys were great. 55 00:03:00,162 --> 00:03:02,198 Man, I'm outta here. 56 00:03:02,698 --> 00:03:04,332 I said, "I'm outta here." 57 00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:08,101 Then after I did Star Search, I auditioned 58 00:03:08,103 --> 00:03:10,203 for What's Happening Now!! 59 00:03:10,205 --> 00:03:13,509 I was already amped up, I was already ready to go. 60 00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:17,077 For a kid coming from the neighborhood to Hollywood 61 00:03:17,079 --> 00:03:20,312 it's a big transition. Your eyes light up. 62 00:03:20,314 --> 00:03:21,416 It's like seeing Heaven. 63 00:03:22,551 --> 00:03:27,487 Chris Albrecht over at HBO got my tape from somebody 64 00:03:27,489 --> 00:03:30,590 over at Star Search and they saw me perform and they loved 65 00:03:30,592 --> 00:03:34,561 what they saw and asked me, was I interested in acting? 66 00:03:34,563 --> 00:03:37,396 I said, "I ain't doin' nothin' but sittin' round here in 67 00:03:37,398 --> 00:03:40,532 my drawers, what else, 'course I'm interested in acting." 68 00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:42,369 I would love that. That's how I got started, 69 00:03:42,371 --> 00:03:45,241 that's how the whole Martin show got started. 70 00:03:46,273 --> 00:03:48,274 Gina ain't here, wait in the hall. 71 00:03:48,276 --> 00:03:50,011 [LAUGHTER] 72 00:03:50,277 --> 00:03:51,644 MARTIN: There were a lot of people who told me 73 00:03:51,646 --> 00:03:53,579 I couldn't do things. 74 00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:57,017 The language, the... you know, subject matters that 75 00:03:57,019 --> 00:04:00,286 I talk about was inappropriate at times, 76 00:04:00,288 --> 00:04:05,291 and they would say it's not going to fly. 77 00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:08,561 But I saw Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip 78 00:04:08,563 --> 00:04:11,398 and when Eddie came along, I seen him doing his own thing 79 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,067 I didn't feel like, you know, they were being edited 80 00:04:14,069 --> 00:04:15,734 or whatever, whether people told 'em 81 00:04:15,736 --> 00:04:16,705 they could do it or not. 82 00:04:17,706 --> 00:04:19,538 I was like, "Fuck them. I'm do what I wanna do." 83 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:22,307 Martin Lawrence, man, you're the greatest of all time. 84 00:04:22,309 --> 00:04:24,743 You transcend generations. We was born in '87. 85 00:04:24,745 --> 00:04:27,680 He says things that we wanna say or we think about saying. 86 00:04:27,682 --> 00:04:29,117 You go, boy. 87 00:04:30,519 --> 00:04:33,521 [CHEERING] 88 00:04:47,435 --> 00:04:50,603 MARTIN: Before I'm going out on stage and I'm standing there 89 00:04:50,605 --> 00:04:53,740 and I'm shadowboxing, and I'm just thinking, 90 00:04:53,742 --> 00:04:56,675 "Man, you better be funny, man. You gotta be funny tonight. 91 00:04:56,677 --> 00:04:59,445 You can't turn back now, you got thousands of people 92 00:04:59,447 --> 00:05:02,815 out there and you just can't turn back now, 93 00:05:02,817 --> 00:05:03,951 so you gotta bring it." 94 00:05:03,953 --> 00:05:05,618 But I'm ready to do what I'm ready to do, 95 00:05:05,620 --> 00:05:07,486 I'm ready to get it on. 96 00:05:07,488 --> 00:05:09,456 MC: Ladies and gentlemen, 97 00:05:09,458 --> 00:05:13,729 Martin Lawrence! 98 00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:17,230 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 99 00:05:17,232 --> 00:05:20,703 [RAP MUSIC PLAYING] 100 00:05:44,492 --> 00:05:46,594 Man, LA. 101 00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:48,797 LA! 102 00:05:52,399 --> 00:05:53,699 Yeah! 103 00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,834 That's why I came here! 104 00:05:55,836 --> 00:05:57,473 That's why I came here! 105 00:06:02,843 --> 00:06:04,346 [MARTIN WHOOPS] 106 00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:12,120 I love that shit. Make some motherfucking noise. 107 00:06:12,653 --> 00:06:15,124 [CHEERING] 108 00:06:16,725 --> 00:06:18,223 Yeah! 109 00:06:18,225 --> 00:06:21,230 Yes! I know we in this motherfucker tonight! 110 00:06:22,297 --> 00:06:24,764 Boy, all that noise, boy, we got white people scared, 111 00:06:24,766 --> 00:06:27,567 They all, "Shit! What the fuck? 112 00:06:27,569 --> 00:06:30,836 How many black people are goin' off tonight?" 113 00:06:30,838 --> 00:06:33,505 Oh, y'all lookin' good, you lookin' good. 114 00:06:33,507 --> 00:06:35,207 Thank you for coming out. 115 00:06:35,209 --> 00:06:37,577 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 116 00:06:37,579 --> 00:06:39,879 Y'all don't mind if I just take my time. 117 00:06:39,881 --> 00:06:42,382 Just hang out with y'all for a little while. 118 00:06:42,384 --> 00:06:43,649 Y'know? 119 00:06:43,651 --> 00:06:45,651 Yeah, you all lookin' good, look good. 120 00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:47,819 I know, I see ya. [BLOWS A KISS] 121 00:06:47,821 --> 00:06:51,192 Huh? Yeah. I know. 122 00:06:52,259 --> 00:06:54,594 Y'all like the way I'm dressed tonight? 123 00:06:54,596 --> 00:06:55,663 [CHEERING] 124 00:06:56,965 --> 00:06:58,464 I said, "Martin, don't go up there wearing 125 00:06:58,466 --> 00:07:00,432 all that hot-ass leather. 126 00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:02,702 Don't wear all that hot-ass leather." 127 00:07:02,704 --> 00:07:05,338 Fellas, I know y'all got your suits on, y'all lookin' good. 128 00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:07,272 Fellas, y'all cool? 129 00:07:07,274 --> 00:07:09,341 I know y'all was in that mirror before y'all got here 130 00:07:09,343 --> 00:07:10,379 with this shit. 131 00:07:11,545 --> 00:07:12,045 "Yeah, nigga, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't know nothin' 132 00:07:12,047 --> 00:07:13,215 about that there. 133 00:07:14,316 --> 00:07:16,216 Look at them shoes. Look at that, daddy. Yeah, yeah." 134 00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:18,418 Ladies, I know y'all lookin' good. 135 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:19,752 Y'all got them pumps on? 136 00:07:19,754 --> 00:07:22,822 - [WOMEN CHEERING] - Y'all got them pumps on? 137 00:07:22,824 --> 00:07:24,623 All right, when y'all got them pumps on that ass 138 00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:28,461 just, "clickity clack, clack, clack, clack." 139 00:07:28,463 --> 00:07:30,896 Just all ass, just "clack clack". 140 00:07:30,898 --> 00:07:34,300 "Clickity clack clack clack clack". 141 00:07:34,302 --> 00:07:36,302 When y'all ain't got them pumps on you look like 142 00:07:36,304 --> 00:07:38,338 somebody done kicked you in your ass. 143 00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:41,974 You got them flats on just be slidin' and shit. 144 00:07:41,976 --> 00:07:44,913 Just slidin' like a motherfucker. 145 00:07:53,355 --> 00:07:54,488 [SIGHS] 146 00:07:54,490 --> 00:07:57,656 But uh, y'all seen the footage, y'all seen the footage, 147 00:07:57,658 --> 00:07:58,826 y'all up there. 148 00:08:03,665 --> 00:08:06,798 I been in the game damn near 30 years, y'all. 30 years. 149 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,569 - [APPLAUSE] - Yeah, yeah. 150 00:08:09,571 --> 00:08:11,870 I'm doin' time in Hollywood, that's what I call it. 151 00:08:11,872 --> 00:08:13,805 Doin' time in Hollywood. 152 00:08:13,807 --> 00:08:16,945 Everybody keep askin' me when we gonna do another Bad Boys. 153 00:08:17,711 --> 00:08:19,848 [CHEERING] 154 00:08:20,749 --> 00:08:22,548 They better hurry up and do that motherfucker 155 00:08:22,550 --> 00:08:23,949 before it becomes Sad Boys. 156 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,584 [LAUGHTER] 157 00:08:25,586 --> 00:08:28,320 I'm gettin' all fat and shit, I'll be running' and shit. 158 00:08:28,322 --> 00:08:29,757 Freeze! 159 00:08:31,893 --> 00:08:33,662 Freeze! 160 00:08:41,802 --> 00:08:43,502 They better hurry up and do that motherfucker. 161 00:08:43,504 --> 00:08:45,371 But Hollywood, sometimes they act like 162 00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:47,276 they don't know Marty Mart in Hollywood. 163 00:08:47,775 --> 00:08:50,511 Yeah, they be rollin' up on me, "Don Cheadle!" 164 00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:52,445 [LAUGHTER] 165 00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,949 "Love ya in Blackish. Love ya in Blackish." 166 00:08:56,750 --> 00:09:01,554 Everybody in Hollywood on Dancing with the Stars. 167 00:09:01,556 --> 00:09:04,723 Man, if you see me on that motherfucker, my career is over. 168 00:09:04,725 --> 00:09:06,325 [LAUGHTER] 169 00:09:06,327 --> 00:09:09,762 Everybody on that motherfucker doin' this shit here, 170 00:09:09,764 --> 00:09:12,301 and all of this here. 171 00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:15,734 Call me when that shit's like this. 172 00:09:15,736 --> 00:09:19,307 [R&B BEAT PLAYING] 173 00:09:34,054 --> 00:09:34,956 Yeah. 174 00:09:36,624 --> 00:09:38,757 Call me when it's like that. 175 00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:40,629 I bet I win that motherfucker too. 176 00:09:53,707 --> 00:09:55,407 WOMAN: I love you, Martin! 177 00:09:55,409 --> 00:09:57,510 I love you back, baby. Thank you, thank you. 178 00:09:57,512 --> 00:09:58,677 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 179 00:09:58,679 --> 00:09:59,746 Thank you. 180 00:09:59,748 --> 00:10:00,849 Yeah. 181 00:10:01,950 --> 00:10:02,915 Boy, I was readin' somethin' on the way over here. 182 00:10:02,917 --> 00:10:05,151 I don't know how true it is, but it said that 183 00:10:05,153 --> 00:10:08,387 Caitlyn Jenner, he don't wanna be a woman no more. 184 00:10:08,389 --> 00:10:09,855 Anybody hear that shit? 185 00:10:09,857 --> 00:10:12,458 Just all the sudden changed his mind and is just like, 186 00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,764 "Fuck, I wanna go back. I wanna be a man." 187 00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:18,698 Can you just change like that? 188 00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,065 Musta been them fuckin' high heels, 189 00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,103 I'm tellin' you it's the fuckin' high heels. 190 00:10:23,437 --> 00:10:26,406 I can't fuckin' do this in these everyday. 191 00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:29,978 I can't do this shit every motherfuckin' day. 192 00:10:31,578 --> 00:10:34,781 It ain't easy being a woman. Women will tell you that shit. 193 00:10:34,783 --> 00:10:37,985 Ladies, shit y'all got them cramps every month. 194 00:10:39,153 --> 00:10:40,987 Bleedin' every month. 195 00:10:40,989 --> 00:10:42,188 Fellas, if we were bleedin' every month, 196 00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,725 we couldn't handle that shit. 197 00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:47,160 Ladies be tryin' to give you head, we be talkin' 'bout, 198 00:10:47,162 --> 00:10:48,997 "Naw, I don't think you wanna do that." 199 00:10:53,668 --> 00:10:55,935 She don't believe you on your period, you gotta show her 200 00:10:55,937 --> 00:10:58,704 a little tampon and shit with the string hangin' 201 00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:00,008 off the motherfucker. 202 00:11:01,909 --> 00:11:04,977 Little Q-tip ball on the tip of your dick and shit 203 00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:07,479 with a string hangin' off the motherfucker. 204 00:11:07,481 --> 00:11:10,485 [LAUGHTER] 205 00:11:11,919 --> 00:11:14,454 She don't believe you, she keep pressin' you and shit. 206 00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:17,058 You tellin' her, "Okay, if you want to, but I'm spottin'." 207 00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:22,697 If you don't mind a little ketchup on the hot dog, 208 00:11:24,164 --> 00:11:26,567 go get a towel, go get a towel. 209 00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:34,840 What else with Hollywood, man? 210 00:11:34,842 --> 00:11:36,943 Fuckin' with my man Cosby. 211 00:11:36,945 --> 00:11:39,945 Why you fuck with Cosby, America's dad. 212 00:11:39,947 --> 00:11:40,914 Cosby. 213 00:11:40,916 --> 00:11:43,015 They say it's up to 50-something women now, 214 00:11:43,017 --> 00:11:44,983 50-something women. 215 00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,252 Can you believe that shit? I don't believe that. 216 00:11:47,254 --> 00:11:48,820 50-something women? 217 00:11:48,822 --> 00:11:50,156 Maybe 27. 218 00:11:50,158 --> 00:11:51,058 [LAUGHTER] 219 00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:55,927 Naw, man, Cosby ain't had to roofie nobody, 220 00:11:55,929 --> 00:11:57,965 all he did was put that Pudding Pop in 'em. 221 00:11:58,799 --> 00:12:01,066 All he just... "Whoa, it's the puddin'." 222 00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:03,569 "It's the puddin'." 223 00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:06,774 "It's the puddin'." [GROWLS] 224 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,812 [GROWLS] 225 00:12:12,145 --> 00:12:14,613 That's all he did was hypnotize 'em. 226 00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:17,583 I can't talk about Cosby, I can't talk about nobody 227 00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:19,618 because my shit that I done did in my life. 228 00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:21,152 I'm still walkin' around this motherfucker thinkin', 229 00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:23,826 "What the fuck they gonna find on my ass? 230 00:12:25,025 --> 00:12:27,093 I know I done did some shit in Cleveland once. 231 00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:28,096 What the fuck?" 232 00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:31,696 I can't think of nothin' but, only thing I can think of, 233 00:12:31,698 --> 00:12:34,199 is it fucked up if you beat your meat on Skype? 234 00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:36,569 [LAUGHTER] 235 00:12:36,571 --> 00:12:37,969 'Cause I don't want my lady in them streets, 236 00:12:37,971 --> 00:12:39,604 I told her, take a look at this. 237 00:12:39,606 --> 00:12:40,839 Take a look at this. 238 00:12:40,841 --> 00:12:42,007 Look at them balls, look at them balls. 239 00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:45,645 Them your balls, them your balls, take a look at this. 240 00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:47,749 Look at that birthmark, look at that birthmark. 241 00:12:48,649 --> 00:12:50,885 I know I was lookin' all fucked up, too, just... 242 00:12:53,654 --> 00:12:55,887 [LAUGHTER] 243 00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:58,059 You know I had that face where you can't cum and shit. 244 00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:00,059 Like you ready to cry. 245 00:13:00,061 --> 00:13:02,564 [WHIMPERING] 246 00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,703 Shit. 247 00:13:10,705 --> 00:13:13,039 What else goin' on in Hollywood? 248 00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:16,943 OJ, his ass, not a bright motherfucker, OJ. 249 00:13:16,945 --> 00:13:19,612 Y'all see they got that TV movie on him and shit? 250 00:13:19,614 --> 00:13:21,213 Not a bright motherfucker. 251 00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:23,082 I mean, nigga, if you get away with murder, 252 00:13:23,084 --> 00:13:25,718 nigga, sit yo ass down. 253 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,724 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 254 00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:32,257 You know, go to Mexico and drink Tequila 255 00:13:32,259 --> 00:13:35,227 the rest of your life. Nigga, sit you ass down. 256 00:13:35,229 --> 00:13:37,863 Now you in that motherfucker braidin' hair. 257 00:13:37,865 --> 00:13:39,699 [LAUGHTER] 258 00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:41,637 How do you go from this shit to this? 259 00:13:45,273 --> 00:13:47,607 Over some motherfuckin' memorabilia. 260 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,275 They got his ass on memorabilia. 261 00:13:49,277 --> 00:13:51,209 Gotta do 40 over some memorabilia. 262 00:13:51,211 --> 00:13:53,845 Over an old-ass football hat he can't even wear. 263 00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:54,847 [LAUGHTER] 264 00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:57,248 Some old ass cleats that he can't even fuckin' 265 00:13:57,250 --> 00:14:00,922 get in no more. He gotta do 40 behind that shit. 266 00:14:01,922 --> 00:14:02,823 Shit. 267 00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:04,690 Man. 268 00:14:04,692 --> 00:14:06,725 Y'all mind if I get a little water? 269 00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:08,361 [SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS HECKLE] 270 00:14:08,363 --> 00:14:10,132 Huh, motherfucker said, "Hurry up." 271 00:14:15,135 --> 00:14:18,706 WOMAN: Yes, we did! Yes, we did! 272 00:14:20,408 --> 00:14:23,909 Yeah, I'm gonna tell y'all somethin' about me growin' up. 273 00:14:23,911 --> 00:14:28,180 I was... before I got here, I was tryin' a lot of things. 274 00:14:28,182 --> 00:14:30,148 I was a door-to-door comic. 275 00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:31,916 Yep, I used to go to people's house and shit. 276 00:14:31,918 --> 00:14:35,090 Put the baby away! Got some jokes for your ass. 277 00:14:36,289 --> 00:14:38,858 A lot of people don't know I was a male dancer. 278 00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:39,760 Yeah. 279 00:14:40,727 --> 00:14:43,228 They used to call me Cocoa Dick, Cocoa Dick. 280 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:46,065 [CHANTING] Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa... 281 00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:47,933 I used to lay it right on their forehead. 282 00:14:47,935 --> 00:14:51,704 [CHANTING] Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa. 283 00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:53,805 Had a fat girl clientele. They used to throw 284 00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:56,675 chicken wings up there and shit to pay me and shit. 285 00:14:56,677 --> 00:14:58,344 I used to bat them wings back in their mouth. 286 00:14:58,346 --> 00:14:59,844 Get back in there. 287 00:14:59,846 --> 00:15:01,012 Get back in there. 288 00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:02,714 Get back in there. 289 00:15:02,716 --> 00:15:04,116 Get back in there. 290 00:15:04,118 --> 00:15:06,321 Get back in there. 291 00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:08,920 Had to give it up, though, 292 00:15:08,922 --> 00:15:10,926 'cause that thong gave me a rash. 293 00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:15,060 Had my whole ass chapped. 294 00:15:15,062 --> 00:15:16,728 Whole ass chapped. 295 00:15:16,730 --> 00:15:19,230 But I got into a lot of physical sports when I was young, 296 00:15:19,232 --> 00:15:20,199 a lot of physical sports. 297 00:15:20,201 --> 00:15:23,201 My first physical sport I got in was karate. 298 00:15:23,203 --> 00:15:24,369 I was real good at karate. 299 00:15:24,371 --> 00:15:28,040 [KARATE KIAI] 300 00:15:28,042 --> 00:15:29,340 I was good with the sound. 301 00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:32,813 [KARATE KIAI] 302 00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:37,382 Everybody think they know karate 'til they meet somebody 303 00:15:37,384 --> 00:15:39,120 that really fuckin' knows karate. 304 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,124 I'm a blue belt, I do blue belt shit. 305 00:15:43,890 --> 00:15:45,357 I get in my stance. 306 00:15:45,359 --> 00:15:46,695 Go get help! 307 00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:52,765 My other physical sport I love man, I love, is boxing. 308 00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,233 That was my sport, I was good at that, you can tell. 309 00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:56,138 Yeah. 310 00:15:56,971 --> 00:15:59,273 I just always dance and shit, move. 311 00:16:00,006 --> 00:16:02,874 You can tell the way I move, I was pretty good. 312 00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:05,846 [LAUGHTER] 313 00:16:07,047 --> 00:16:09,051 "Ding!" Good round, nigga, good round. 314 00:16:11,418 --> 00:16:13,221 That motherfucker almost hit me. 315 00:16:14,855 --> 00:16:17,223 I got out the game when I got my eye swollen. 316 00:16:17,225 --> 00:16:18,192 That's when I got out. 317 00:16:19,193 --> 00:16:20,258 Knew as soon as he hit me, that shit. "Pow!" 318 00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:21,926 Went back to my corner. 319 00:16:21,928 --> 00:16:24,129 [LAUGHTER] 320 00:16:24,131 --> 00:16:26,065 "Coach, is my eye swollen?" 321 00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,465 "You doin' great, you doin' good!" 322 00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:29,334 "Is my eye swollen?" "Yes!" 323 00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,139 Fuck you! Fight over, nigga! 324 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,273 Boxin' is a hard hustle, man. 325 00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,309 Especially if you a friend of a fighter. 326 00:16:37,311 --> 00:16:39,478 And you ever go to a fight with him and got a ride 327 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,817 home with him after he done got his ass wooped. 328 00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:44,849 You don't know what to say to him. 329 00:16:44,851 --> 00:16:47,121 He yellin' out incoherent shit. 330 00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:51,126 "Jordans like to wear pitbulls." 331 00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,296 What the fuck are you talkin' 'bout? 332 00:16:55,163 --> 00:16:56,929 Askin' you questions and shit. 333 00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:58,767 Nah, I don't know where your teeth are. 334 00:16:59,499 --> 00:17:02,169 Last time I seen them, they was with you. 335 00:17:04,004 --> 00:17:06,137 One of my favorite fighters of all times, 336 00:17:06,139 --> 00:17:08,076 favorite fighters is Mike Tyson, man. 337 00:17:09,576 --> 00:17:10,479 Love Mike Tyson. 338 00:17:11,278 --> 00:17:12,411 One of my favorite fighters, man. 339 00:17:12,413 --> 00:17:15,980 Wouldn't it be cool if somebody was fuckin' with you, 340 00:17:15,982 --> 00:17:18,217 you could run in there get Mike if he's a cousin, 341 00:17:18,219 --> 00:17:19,884 brother, uncle, all you gotta do is run in there. 342 00:17:19,886 --> 00:17:21,085 Mike, Mike! 343 00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:22,420 The motherfucker punched my nose! 344 00:17:22,422 --> 00:17:24,392 Stop cryin', what happened? 345 00:17:25,593 --> 00:17:27,492 You know Mike got that soft voice. 346 00:17:27,494 --> 00:17:30,028 Stop cryin', what happened? 347 00:17:30,030 --> 00:17:32,067 Let me eat my cereal first. 348 00:17:33,034 --> 00:17:34,967 Come on, let's go handle it. 349 00:17:34,969 --> 00:17:36,134 Is it him right here? 350 00:17:36,136 --> 00:17:37,536 Boing! 351 00:17:37,538 --> 00:17:39,974 Stop cryin', look his back is broke. 352 00:17:41,442 --> 00:17:44,445 He won't bother you no more. If he do, he roll up on you. 353 00:17:45,278 --> 00:17:46,978 Would anybody in here let Mike Tyson hit 'em 354 00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:48,213 for 10 million dollars? 355 00:17:48,215 --> 00:17:51,385 - WOMAN: Yeah! - [LAUGHS] 356 00:17:52,118 --> 00:17:54,920 You raisin' your hand? A female raisin' her hand. 357 00:17:54,922 --> 00:17:57,890 [LAUGHS] 358 00:17:57,892 --> 00:18:00,526 You would let Mike Tyson hit your for 10 million? 359 00:18:00,528 --> 00:18:01,594 Fuck that. 360 00:18:01,596 --> 00:18:03,062 No amount of money. 361 00:18:03,064 --> 00:18:04,197 You let him hit you for 10 million, 362 00:18:04,199 --> 00:18:06,966 you have on some new shoes but you be all fucked up. 363 00:18:06,968 --> 00:18:10,005 [LAUGHTER] 364 00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:17,077 SLURS] Mike Tyson hit me for 10 million dollars. 365 00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:21,080 He hit me and I got some new shoes. 366 00:18:21,082 --> 00:18:24,953 I got some new... new, I got some new shoes, 367 00:18:25,586 --> 00:18:27,489 I got some new shoes. 368 00:18:28,422 --> 00:18:31,192 Fuckin' with Mike Tyson got me some new shoes. 369 00:18:38,432 --> 00:18:39,433 Yeah. 370 00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:42,301 But I had a lot of heart though, y'all. 371 00:18:42,303 --> 00:18:44,335 I had a lot of heart comin' up, I'd fight anybody, 372 00:18:44,337 --> 00:18:45,638 I didn't give a fuck, you know. 373 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,039 I ain't no big guy, but I'd fight anybody. 374 00:18:48,041 --> 00:18:50,308 I remember this guy named George like 6'9" 375 00:18:50,310 --> 00:18:52,911 was fuckin' with my sister, he's on the football team. 376 00:18:52,913 --> 00:18:55,113 My sister came in there, "George fuckin' with me!" 377 00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:56,247 I said, "George who?" 378 00:18:56,249 --> 00:18:58,017 "This 6'9" motherfucker." 379 00:18:58,019 --> 00:19:00,221 I said, "I'mma handle it, I'mma handle it." 380 00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:03,488 I went lookin' for George. Where this nigga George at? 381 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,690 Anybody seen George? 382 00:19:05,692 --> 00:19:09,327 Has anybody seen George? 383 00:19:09,329 --> 00:19:11,630 Where this motherfucker George at? 384 00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:13,431 Anybody seen George? 385 00:19:13,433 --> 00:19:14,903 Come here, nigga! 386 00:19:16,436 --> 00:19:18,304 You fuckin' with my sister? 387 00:19:18,306 --> 00:19:20,338 Let me tell your big 6'9" ass somethin'. 388 00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:23,275 Don't you fuck with nothin' that's mine ever again. 389 00:19:23,277 --> 00:19:25,110 Let me tell you something. George, 390 00:19:25,112 --> 00:19:28,046 I will take your big ass down. I will hurt you, George. 391 00:19:28,048 --> 00:19:29,949 Don't fuck with nothin' that's mine. 392 00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,049 George looked at me. 393 00:19:31,051 --> 00:19:32,284 He said, "Okay, Martin, you got it." 394 00:19:32,286 --> 00:19:33,488 Looked down at me. 395 00:19:34,689 --> 00:19:37,122 That's when I knew I was gonna be an actor. 396 00:19:37,124 --> 00:19:41,262 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 397 00:19:51,204 --> 00:19:54,006 But, God, let me tell you a little about family. 398 00:19:54,008 --> 00:19:55,606 Got a beautiful family. 399 00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:58,744 Support me all the way here. All during my comedy. 400 00:19:58,746 --> 00:20:01,080 I told my nephews I was comin' down here to LA. 401 00:20:01,082 --> 00:20:02,448 I said, "I'm goin' to do my thing, 402 00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,149 I gotta take LA, they live." 403 00:20:04,151 --> 00:20:07,119 "Yeah, they live in LA, go down there, motherfuckin' Unc 404 00:20:07,121 --> 00:20:09,688 and turn up on 'em! Turn up on 'em, Unc! 405 00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:13,094 Dab on 'em, Unc. Dab on 'em, dab on 'em." 406 00:20:15,195 --> 00:20:17,095 Watch me whip, watch me nae nae. 407 00:20:17,097 --> 00:20:19,433 Watch me whip, watch me nae nae. 408 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,369 I got three beautiful sisters. 409 00:20:23,371 --> 00:20:25,603 One of my sisters, she's very, very nice, 410 00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:27,105 in the daytime. 411 00:20:27,107 --> 00:20:28,373 [LAUGHTER] 412 00:20:28,375 --> 00:20:29,741 Once she get that drink in her, she, 413 00:20:29,743 --> 00:20:32,480 "I cut your throat, motherfucker!" 414 00:20:33,614 --> 00:20:35,480 Our stepfather used to talk like this. 415 00:20:35,482 --> 00:20:37,548 "Son, I love you so much. Son, I love what you doin' 416 00:20:37,550 --> 00:20:39,751 in the game, I love what you doin', son." 417 00:20:39,753 --> 00:20:41,420 I said, "Dad," I told him, I said, 418 00:20:41,422 --> 00:20:43,087 "Dad, I'm goin' to the Kentucky Derby." 419 00:20:43,089 --> 00:20:45,423 He said, "Oh yeah, son! Where that at?" 420 00:20:45,425 --> 00:20:46,758 [LAUGHTER] 421 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,727 I said, "Dad, I'm goin' to the Kentucky Derby." 422 00:20:48,729 --> 00:20:51,162 He said, "Don't get upset, son. All I'm sayin' is, 423 00:20:51,164 --> 00:20:52,363 where that at?" 424 00:20:52,365 --> 00:20:54,132 I said, "Dad, Kentucky!" 425 00:20:54,134 --> 00:20:55,467 He said, "Well, shit. Bring me back 426 00:20:55,469 --> 00:20:59,673 a Kentucky Fried Chicken meal, two piece biscuits..." 427 00:21:01,307 --> 00:21:02,775 I know what I wanted to share with y'all, 428 00:21:02,777 --> 00:21:03,745 I had to tell ya. 429 00:21:04,945 --> 00:21:06,445 Got a chance to go to the White House, meet the President. 430 00:21:06,447 --> 00:21:09,047 - [CHEERING] - Yeah! 431 00:21:09,049 --> 00:21:09,750 Yeah. 432 00:21:10,785 --> 00:21:12,418 Yeah. 433 00:21:12,420 --> 00:21:14,652 Sure did, man. Soon as I walked in the White House, 434 00:21:14,654 --> 00:21:17,725 Barack saw me and was like, "Wazzup!" 435 00:21:20,461 --> 00:21:23,128 I was like, "Mr. President, Mr. President!" 436 00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:26,267 He said, "Call me Barry, Marty. Call me Barry." 437 00:21:27,101 --> 00:21:28,667 Man, he started walkin' me 'round, 438 00:21:28,669 --> 00:21:29,735 started showin' me 'round. 439 00:21:29,737 --> 00:21:33,475 He said, "Look, Marty, FUBU rug. For Us, By Us." 440 00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:40,411 Man, we started walkin' around, man. 441 00:21:40,413 --> 00:21:42,680 He started showin' me 'round and had music playin'. 442 00:21:42,682 --> 00:21:44,716 ♪ I'm so in love with you ♪ 443 00:21:44,718 --> 00:21:46,818 But his groove was off 'cause you know he black and white. 444 00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:48,687 So his shit was off. 445 00:21:48,689 --> 00:21:51,757 ♪ So in love with you ♪ 446 00:21:51,759 --> 00:21:54,793 ♪ Whatever you wanna do ♪ 447 00:21:54,795 --> 00:21:57,465 It's all fucked up, just be all fucked up. 448 00:21:59,299 --> 00:22:00,766 Then he took me past the kitchen. 449 00:22:00,768 --> 00:22:02,734 He says, "Michelle, look who's here!" 450 00:22:02,736 --> 00:22:05,206 She said, "Marty Mar!" 451 00:22:07,407 --> 00:22:09,274 The girls, daughters were gettin' 452 00:22:09,276 --> 00:22:11,410 their hair pressed in the kitchen. 453 00:22:11,412 --> 00:22:13,047 [LAUGHTER] 454 00:22:13,547 --> 00:22:17,052 Smell like hair hawkin' grease in that motherfucker. 455 00:22:19,252 --> 00:22:20,254 Man. 456 00:22:21,355 --> 00:22:22,420 Then he took me back to the Oval Office and he said, 457 00:22:22,422 --> 00:22:25,423 "Marty, that's where Monica Lewinsky gave Clinton 458 00:22:25,425 --> 00:22:28,328 that sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. 459 00:22:29,663 --> 00:22:31,563 Yeah, Michelle won't even let me sit there. 460 00:22:31,565 --> 00:22:33,332 Michelle won't even let me sit there." 461 00:22:33,334 --> 00:22:35,467 [LAUGHTER] 462 00:22:35,469 --> 00:22:38,603 Man, we go back to the Oval Office, then he close the door, 463 00:22:38,605 --> 00:22:41,509 and he looked at me and he said, "You smoke a little weed?" 464 00:22:44,211 --> 00:22:47,312 I said, "I don't really fuck with it, but you the President, 465 00:22:47,314 --> 00:22:48,479 you the President!" 466 00:22:48,481 --> 00:22:50,548 He said, "Who legalizin' that shit, huh?" 467 00:22:50,550 --> 00:22:53,251 Who legalizin' that shit, huh?" 468 00:22:53,253 --> 00:22:55,289 [APPLAUSE] 469 00:22:56,856 --> 00:22:59,525 Man, me and the President start gettin' high. 470 00:22:59,527 --> 00:23:02,527 He got deep too, he said, "Yeah, Marty, finally got 471 00:23:02,529 --> 00:23:05,596 that Obamacare though, they was fuckin' with me on that, 472 00:23:05,598 --> 00:23:09,870 but now everybody get Obamacare, nigga, yeah. 473 00:23:11,872 --> 00:23:14,506 My security detail, they fuckin' up, runnin' into 474 00:23:14,508 --> 00:23:16,275 the White House with their cars and shit, 475 00:23:16,277 --> 00:23:19,210 made me wanna put my foot in one of their asses. 476 00:23:19,212 --> 00:23:21,580 You know they gave me that Nobel Peace Prize, right? 477 00:23:21,582 --> 00:23:22,680 For what, I don't know." 478 00:23:22,682 --> 00:23:23,615 [LAUGHTER] 479 00:23:23,617 --> 00:23:24,583 "And then he said, look here, fuck that, 480 00:23:24,585 --> 00:23:26,852 I brought you here for one specific reason. 481 00:23:26,854 --> 00:23:28,320 Nobody else could get the answer. 482 00:23:28,322 --> 00:23:29,755 I'm the Prez, I need to know. 483 00:23:29,757 --> 00:23:30,555 Nobody could get the answer, 484 00:23:30,557 --> 00:23:32,658 but I'm the Prez, I need to know." 485 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,496 And he leaned in and he asked me... 486 00:23:35,528 --> 00:23:37,598 "What the fuck did Tommy do for a livin'?" 487 00:23:54,547 --> 00:23:57,285 I told him, "He ain't got no job, Prez. 488 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,753 Tommy the type could hang out with Jerome." 489 00:24:01,755 --> 00:24:04,359 [YELLING] 490 00:24:05,826 --> 00:24:07,959 I said Jerome in the house. 491 00:24:07,961 --> 00:24:10,528 I said Jerome in the house. 492 00:24:10,530 --> 00:24:12,432 Watch your mouth! 493 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,342 I just wanted to do that. 494 00:24:22,977 --> 00:24:25,677 Just 'cause you all so good audience, 495 00:24:25,679 --> 00:24:26,911 I just wanted to do that. 496 00:24:26,913 --> 00:24:29,847 But y'all know I'm lying talkin' 'bout meetin' the President, 497 00:24:29,849 --> 00:24:31,917 I didn't meet the President. I'm lyin' my ass off. 498 00:24:31,919 --> 00:24:33,818 Y'all know I'm lyin'. 499 00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:35,920 Talkin' about smokin' weed with the President. 500 00:24:35,922 --> 00:24:37,788 Man, where my weed smokers at? 501 00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:39,824 - [CHEERING] - Yeah. 502 00:24:39,826 --> 00:24:40,795 Yeah. 503 00:24:41,796 --> 00:24:43,264 I see the black lips, I see the black lips. 504 00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:46,430 Boy, I can't smoke that shit all the time, boy. 505 00:24:46,432 --> 00:24:48,499 Weed have you doin' some dumb shit. 506 00:24:48,501 --> 00:24:50,771 Have you gettin' dressed in the kitchen and shit. 507 00:24:51,638 --> 00:24:53,005 Yeah I'm put my pants on 508 00:24:53,007 --> 00:24:54,872 and scramble my eggs at the same time. 509 00:24:54,874 --> 00:24:56,540 Motherfuckers ain't thinkin' like that, 510 00:24:56,542 --> 00:24:57,911 they ain't thinkin' like that. 511 00:25:00,447 --> 00:25:03,849 How you sittin' at a stop sign waitin' for it to turn green. 512 00:25:03,851 --> 00:25:06,821 [LAUGHTER] 513 00:25:14,528 --> 00:25:15,963 Fuck is wrong with this light? 514 00:25:16,663 --> 00:25:19,030 You at a stop sign, nigga. 515 00:25:19,032 --> 00:25:21,935 Be lookin' for your phone while you on the motherfucker. 516 00:25:22,635 --> 00:25:24,568 Where the fuck is my phone? 517 00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:27,305 Where the fuck is my phone? 518 00:25:27,307 --> 00:25:29,607 I know it's around here somewhere. 519 00:25:29,609 --> 00:25:32,713 Let me call you back, I gotta find my motherfuckin' phone. 520 00:25:38,885 --> 00:25:41,689 And black people, white people, we get high differently. 521 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,488 Black people, we get high, we start philosophying. 522 00:25:44,490 --> 00:25:47,625 We get high we, 'cause the world is spinnin' 523 00:25:47,627 --> 00:25:50,795 like a motherfucker, so if you wanna be here, 524 00:25:50,797 --> 00:25:52,267 you gotta hang on. 525 00:25:53,599 --> 00:25:56,401 See how I deep I just came, see how deep. 526 00:25:56,403 --> 00:25:59,339 White boys smoke that shit, you hear that? 527 00:26:01,008 --> 00:26:03,074 Did you fuckin' hear that? 528 00:26:03,076 --> 00:26:05,046 It says kill four people dude. 529 00:26:05,878 --> 00:26:07,446 Fuckin' kill four people. 530 00:26:07,448 --> 00:26:08,983 I'm gonna get my fucking gun. 531 00:26:11,551 --> 00:26:14,052 White boys get all emotional and shit when they get high. 532 00:26:14,054 --> 00:26:16,391 "Yo, dude, I fuckin' love you man. 533 00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:20,057 Fuckin' love your cats, your dogs, your hamsters, 534 00:26:20,059 --> 00:26:22,794 all that shit dude, I fuckin' love you." 535 00:26:22,796 --> 00:26:24,095 They put their body into it, too. 536 00:26:24,097 --> 00:26:26,597 "I fuckin' love you dude. 537 00:26:26,599 --> 00:26:28,400 I love your ass. 538 00:26:28,402 --> 00:26:30,067 You're my bestie fuckin' dude. 539 00:26:30,069 --> 00:26:32,673 You're my fuckin' bestie, dude." 540 00:26:36,410 --> 00:26:38,744 Yeah. Gettin' high, though. 541 00:26:38,746 --> 00:26:42,381 I don't recommend you do this, don't get high and drive. 542 00:26:42,383 --> 00:26:44,149 I did that shit, and that shit was crazy. 543 00:26:44,151 --> 00:26:47,753 I was at a club and I left the club, I was so fuckin' high, 544 00:26:47,755 --> 00:26:50,122 I was drivin' and I pulled up at a light, 545 00:26:50,124 --> 00:26:53,392 and I looked over, and a cop pulled up right beside me. 546 00:26:53,394 --> 00:26:54,625 I looked at the cop 547 00:26:54,627 --> 00:26:56,463 and I drove right through the fuckin' light. 548 00:26:59,066 --> 00:27:00,934 I just pulled over. 549 00:27:01,969 --> 00:27:04,402 Cop said, "What were you thinkin'?" 550 00:27:04,404 --> 00:27:05,572 I said, "I'm high. 551 00:27:08,008 --> 00:27:10,875 Doin' too much, doin' too much. 552 00:27:10,877 --> 00:27:12,043 Can you give me a ticket? 553 00:27:12,045 --> 00:27:13,745 I gotta learn. 554 00:27:13,747 --> 00:27:16,050 I gotta fuckin' learn." 555 00:27:24,424 --> 00:27:28,826 If you out there, if you get your drink on with your liquor, 556 00:27:28,828 --> 00:27:30,797 yeah, be careful with that liquor. 557 00:27:32,699 --> 00:27:34,466 Be careful with that liquor. 558 00:27:34,468 --> 00:27:36,468 I like people to know how to handle their drink. 559 00:27:36,470 --> 00:27:37,969 Social drinkers get a little drink. 560 00:27:37,971 --> 00:27:40,604 [CHUCKLES] "Yeah, what I'm talkin' 'bout!" 561 00:27:40,606 --> 00:27:44,142 Yeah. [LAUGHS] It's all good, it's all good. 562 00:27:44,144 --> 00:27:46,844 I know people that know how to drink like that, they cool. 563 00:27:46,846 --> 00:27:48,715 But how do motherfuckers get this drunk? 564 00:27:50,584 --> 00:27:53,587 [LAUGHTER] 565 00:28:06,232 --> 00:28:09,169 I need a... I need a Uber. 566 00:28:10,636 --> 00:28:12,136 They got that drunk talk and shit. 567 00:28:12,138 --> 00:28:13,940 I need a Uber. 568 00:28:14,708 --> 00:28:17,044 Somebody get me an Uber. 569 00:28:21,781 --> 00:28:24,882 If you drinkin' be careful, know who you drinkin' with. 570 00:28:24,884 --> 00:28:26,750 'Cause you know you fuck around, don't know who you 571 00:28:26,752 --> 00:28:28,955 drinkin' with, wake up the next day, your kidney be missin'. 572 00:28:30,156 --> 00:28:32,824 'Cause you know they be stealin' body parts and shit. 573 00:28:32,826 --> 00:28:35,526 You fuck around, wake up, have a new leg on. 574 00:28:35,528 --> 00:28:37,795 Have a tall-ass fuckin' leg on. 575 00:28:37,797 --> 00:28:41,799 Who the fuck put this fuckin' leg on me? 576 00:28:41,801 --> 00:28:46,537 This tall-ass, fuckin' slap foot-ass leg on me. 577 00:28:46,539 --> 00:28:47,774 Who the fuck? 578 00:28:48,509 --> 00:28:49,475 Who was I drinkin' with? 579 00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:53,044 Who the fuck was I drinkin' with last night? 580 00:28:53,046 --> 00:28:54,047 What the fuck? 581 00:28:55,816 --> 00:28:58,152 I can't even run in this motherfucker. 582 00:29:06,692 --> 00:29:09,827 Just turned, just turned 50 last year. 583 00:29:09,829 --> 00:29:13,900 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 584 00:29:16,169 --> 00:29:17,802 Thank you. Thank you. 585 00:29:17,804 --> 00:29:20,305 Gettin' old, y'all. 50, man. Gettin' old, gettin' old. 586 00:29:20,307 --> 00:29:23,240 Got that gut now and shit, got that gut. 587 00:29:23,242 --> 00:29:25,176 This motherfucker ain't goin' nowhere man, 588 00:29:25,178 --> 00:29:26,481 ain't goin' nowhere. 589 00:29:27,647 --> 00:29:30,148 It's all 50. 50 all puddin'. Nothin' but just puddin'. 590 00:29:30,150 --> 00:29:33,718 Ain't gonna be no more abs on this motherfucker ever again. 591 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,755 You'll never see another ab on this motherfucker. 592 00:29:36,757 --> 00:29:39,056 But that's a'ight, I ain't mad, I ain't worried, 593 00:29:39,058 --> 00:29:41,495 'cause all this turn into dick after 12. 594 00:29:42,895 --> 00:29:47,966 Just skababoom, skabow, bang, 595 00:29:47,968 --> 00:29:53,908 sping, spow, spot, sping. 596 00:29:55,174 --> 00:29:57,142 Gettin' old, y'all. Gettin' old. 597 00:29:57,144 --> 00:30:01,246 Be walkin' around the house singing jingles and shit. 598 00:30:01,248 --> 00:30:04,315 ♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪ 599 00:30:04,317 --> 00:30:07,221 ♪ At Farmersonly.com ♪ 600 00:30:08,255 --> 00:30:10,258 Fuck am I singing that shit for? 601 00:30:11,758 --> 00:30:14,629 ♪ I'm in love with the cocoa ♪ 602 00:30:16,195 --> 00:30:19,733 ♪ Bakin' soda, I got bakin' soda, I got bakin' soda ♪ 603 00:30:20,767 --> 00:30:21,833 They got another one out. 604 00:30:21,835 --> 00:30:24,572 Cutty, you got the cutty. 605 00:30:25,105 --> 00:30:26,270 I don't know what they mean. 606 00:30:26,272 --> 00:30:30,778 You got the cutty, you got the cutty. 607 00:30:32,980 --> 00:30:34,813 They got one song out, Truffle Butter, 608 00:30:34,815 --> 00:30:35,881 they be jammin' on that shit. 609 00:30:35,883 --> 00:30:38,350 ♪ Truffle Butter Truffle Butter ♪ 610 00:30:38,352 --> 00:30:40,218 Anybody know what that is? 611 00:30:40,220 --> 00:30:42,152 They say that's when you take the pussy juice, 612 00:30:42,154 --> 00:30:45,055 and the ass juice, and you mix it all up. 613 00:30:45,057 --> 00:30:47,792 And sometime it got corn in it and stuff, 614 00:30:47,794 --> 00:30:49,630 and you just eat it all up. 615 00:30:50,329 --> 00:30:51,630 They be jammin' too. 616 00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:53,230 ♪ Truffle Butter ♪ 617 00:30:53,232 --> 00:30:54,999 ♪ Truffle Butter ♪ 618 00:30:55,001 --> 00:30:56,200 Shit, I go to a restaurant, 619 00:30:56,202 --> 00:30:58,236 I don't order nothin' with truffle in it. 620 00:30:58,238 --> 00:31:00,337 [LAUGHTER] 621 00:31:00,339 --> 00:31:01,972 Gettin' old, though, y'all. Gettin' old. 622 00:31:01,974 --> 00:31:03,610 Startin' to piss on myself. 623 00:31:04,778 --> 00:31:07,312 What in the fuck is it at 50 when you see the bathroom, 624 00:31:07,314 --> 00:31:08,880 soon as you see that motherfucker, 625 00:31:08,882 --> 00:31:10,315 you start doing this shit. 626 00:31:10,317 --> 00:31:12,586 [LAUGHTER] 627 00:31:13,953 --> 00:31:14,855 Like this. 628 00:31:17,356 --> 00:31:19,658 [SIGHS] 629 00:31:19,660 --> 00:31:22,293 Think you finished. Oh, no. 630 00:31:22,295 --> 00:31:25,166 Oh, no, there it go again, there it go again. 631 00:31:26,232 --> 00:31:27,399 Man. 632 00:31:27,401 --> 00:31:29,870 My dick done shrink on me. 633 00:31:30,871 --> 00:31:32,807 I didn't if it was my belly button. 634 00:31:33,973 --> 00:31:36,940 I'm startin' to pee on my balls now. 635 00:31:36,942 --> 00:31:39,209 And my balls just hangin' in the water every time 636 00:31:39,211 --> 00:31:43,347 I sit down, just hangin' in the water, just dunky dunk, 637 00:31:43,349 --> 00:31:47,818 just moist balls, just damp balls all the time, 638 00:31:47,820 --> 00:31:52,792 just moist, damp balls every fuckin' time. 639 00:31:54,827 --> 00:31:57,195 Gettin' old, gettin' old. 640 00:31:57,197 --> 00:31:59,033 Startin' to shit on myself. 641 00:32:00,701 --> 00:32:03,468 I know you think it can't happen to you, but it can. 642 00:32:03,470 --> 00:32:04,838 It can. 643 00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:08,872 It happened to me. I was in Vegas and I was going to 644 00:32:08,874 --> 00:32:11,209 an event and we was in the limo and my boy 645 00:32:11,211 --> 00:32:13,210 he got in the limo and he farted, 646 00:32:13,212 --> 00:32:15,313 and I just thought that was disrespectful you know. 647 00:32:15,315 --> 00:32:17,315 He got in the limo and he... [IMITATES LOUD FART] 648 00:32:17,317 --> 00:32:18,549 I was mad, y'all. 649 00:32:18,551 --> 00:32:21,885 I said, "Oh, he gonna get in my limo and let off like that." 650 00:32:21,887 --> 00:32:24,788 I said, "Oh okay, I got one for that, take this. 651 00:32:24,790 --> 00:32:26,324 [IMITATES FART] And I shit it. 652 00:32:26,326 --> 00:32:28,028 [LAUGHTER] 653 00:32:29,496 --> 00:32:31,699 That soft diaper shit, too. 654 00:32:34,401 --> 00:32:36,901 I couldn't go back in the hotel, so I just took 655 00:32:36,903 --> 00:32:39,237 my drawers off, got a good swipe 656 00:32:39,239 --> 00:32:41,741 and threw them motherfuckers on the Vegas strip. 657 00:32:43,442 --> 00:32:45,276 So if you see some shitty drawers out there, 658 00:32:45,278 --> 00:32:47,746 bring 'em to me, I'll sign 'em for you. 659 00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:49,216 [LAUGHTER] 660 00:32:55,521 --> 00:32:57,988 Gettin' old, man, gettin' old. 661 00:32:57,990 --> 00:32:59,891 I know you think, fellas, you think your dick gonna 662 00:32:59,893 --> 00:33:01,159 be there for you all the time. 663 00:33:01,161 --> 00:33:03,761 At 50 that motherfucker stop, it wanna act up. 664 00:33:03,763 --> 00:33:06,831 It just start, it be doin' shit, it just be down 665 00:33:06,833 --> 00:33:12,370 that motherfucker just, just, just, just doin' shit. 666 00:33:12,372 --> 00:33:14,305 I don't know, I ain't fuckin' with you, Marty, today, 667 00:33:14,307 --> 00:33:15,942 I ain't fuckin' with you today. 668 00:33:17,810 --> 00:33:20,245 And if your dick start acting up, what you gonna need? 669 00:33:20,247 --> 00:33:22,313 You gonna need that what? That Viagra. 670 00:33:22,315 --> 00:33:24,215 Anybody here ever take Viagra? 671 00:33:24,217 --> 00:33:26,450 Y'all liars! 672 00:33:26,452 --> 00:33:28,720 Y'all liars. 673 00:33:28,855 --> 00:33:30,220 Hey, take that shit. Take that shit, that shit work. 674 00:33:30,222 --> 00:33:32,556 [LAUGHTER] 675 00:33:32,558 --> 00:33:35,160 It just got a lot of side effects, lot of side effects. 676 00:33:35,162 --> 00:33:37,394 One side effect is bald heads. 677 00:33:37,396 --> 00:33:38,496 There are a lot of bald headed 678 00:33:38,498 --> 00:33:40,131 motherfuckers in here right now. 679 00:33:40,133 --> 00:33:41,365 [LAUGHTER] 680 00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,867 Another side effect is stuffy nose. 681 00:33:43,869 --> 00:33:45,903 You don't get no pussy you just be sniffin' all night. 682 00:33:45,905 --> 00:33:47,171 [SNIFFS] Doing this shit. 683 00:33:47,173 --> 00:33:49,274 Another one is diarrhea. 684 00:33:49,276 --> 00:33:52,576 And the other one is the biggest one of all, it's blindness. 685 00:33:52,578 --> 00:33:54,882 Would you risk goin' blind for some pussy? 686 00:33:55,848 --> 00:33:57,817 I don't know, I might have to risk that. 687 00:33:58,351 --> 00:33:59,817 I be blinder than a motherfucker. 688 00:33:59,819 --> 00:34:01,219 Who am I fuckin'? 689 00:34:01,221 --> 00:34:02,957 Who am I fuckin'? 690 00:34:04,590 --> 00:34:06,423 Be singin' Stevie Wonder songs. 691 00:34:06,425 --> 00:34:08,962 ♪ If you really love me ♪ 692 00:34:10,830 --> 00:34:12,833 ♪ Won't you tell me ♪ 693 00:34:15,135 --> 00:34:18,235 That Viagra. They say if you gonna use that Viagra, 694 00:34:18,237 --> 00:34:20,070 they say if your dick stay hard longer 695 00:34:20,072 --> 00:34:22,106 than four, five hours, go see the doctor. 696 00:34:22,108 --> 00:34:23,007 I ain't gonna see no doctor, 697 00:34:23,009 --> 00:34:25,142 he ain't stickin' no needle in my shit. 698 00:34:25,144 --> 00:34:26,945 My dick hard longer than four, five hours, 699 00:34:26,947 --> 00:34:28,481 I'm fuckin' everybody. 700 00:34:29,615 --> 00:34:31,418 # 701 00:34:32,518 --> 00:34:33,517 Take that. 702 00:34:33,519 --> 00:34:35,186 Take that, take that. 703 00:34:35,188 --> 00:34:36,090 Take that. 704 00:34:38,057 --> 00:34:41,925 And they say, and they say what if you get a hard dick 705 00:34:41,927 --> 00:34:44,461 and you gotta shit at the same time? 706 00:34:44,463 --> 00:34:45,530 That's cold, ain't it? 707 00:34:45,532 --> 00:34:47,300 Your dick hard and you... Oh! 708 00:34:48,168 --> 00:34:49,170 Oh. 709 00:34:49,969 --> 00:34:51,004 Which one... 710 00:34:51,905 --> 00:34:54,008 Which one do I do first? Oh. 711 00:34:55,108 --> 00:34:57,008 Do I fuck first and then go shit? 712 00:34:57,010 --> 00:34:59,177 Do I shit and then go fuck? 713 00:34:59,179 --> 00:35:01,414 Oh do you just, pow, let it all go. 714 00:35:02,382 --> 00:35:04,451 I got some good news, I got some bad news. 715 00:35:06,186 --> 00:35:09,052 Good news, I came, I came. I did, I came. 716 00:35:09,054 --> 00:35:11,057 Bad news is I shit it, I shit it. 717 00:35:11,657 --> 00:35:14,094 We gonna clean it all up, we gonna clean it all up. 718 00:35:19,398 --> 00:35:21,099 WOMAN: I love you! 719 00:35:21,101 --> 00:35:23,333 I love you back, baby. I love you back. 720 00:35:23,335 --> 00:35:25,135 [CHEERING] 721 00:35:25,137 --> 00:35:29,173 Went to... went to see my doctor the other day. 722 00:35:29,175 --> 00:35:32,610 He gonna tell me that I had low testosterone. 723 00:35:32,612 --> 00:35:33,914 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 724 00:35:34,447 --> 00:35:35,914 That's funny? 725 00:35:35,916 --> 00:35:37,615 [LAUGHTER] 726 00:35:37,617 --> 00:35:41,121 Said I had a slow leak in my balls. 727 00:35:42,655 --> 00:35:45,893 And the only way to fix it was with some Fix a Flat. 728 00:35:48,128 --> 00:35:50,494 Said it was a good thing I got in there when I did 729 00:35:50,496 --> 00:35:52,232 'cause I was close to DD. 730 00:35:52,932 --> 00:35:54,335 I was close to dead dick. 731 00:35:56,402 --> 00:35:57,969 Boy, when you got a dead dick, 732 00:35:57,971 --> 00:36:00,972 you just be soft and in love that's it. 733 00:36:00,974 --> 00:36:03,309 Only thing you could do is become a good hugger and shit. 734 00:36:04,010 --> 00:36:05,075 Get up under these arms, girl, 735 00:36:05,077 --> 00:36:07,211 you know I'm gonna hug the shit out yo ass tonight. 736 00:36:07,213 --> 00:36:08,278 You know that, right? 737 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,113 I might wrap a leg around your ass. 738 00:36:10,115 --> 00:36:12,652 I might wrap a leg around your ass. 739 00:36:18,525 --> 00:36:20,958 Round of applause for all the people in relationships. 740 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,595 [APPLAUSE] 741 00:36:24,597 --> 00:36:26,630 Congratulations, all four of you. 742 00:36:26,632 --> 00:36:27,566 [LAUGHTER] 743 00:36:27,568 --> 00:36:28,365 Round of applause for everybody lookin' 744 00:36:28,367 --> 00:36:30,403 for that one night stand tonight. 745 00:36:31,137 --> 00:36:32,637 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 746 00:36:32,639 --> 00:36:34,104 Y'all don't wanna admit this shit. 747 00:36:34,106 --> 00:36:36,407 One night stands is cool, they cool. 748 00:36:36,409 --> 00:36:39,376 It's just fucked up you can't get rid of 'em sometime. 749 00:36:39,378 --> 00:36:41,382 After you hit it and shit, you be layin' there. 750 00:36:42,081 --> 00:36:43,650 So what you about to do? 751 00:36:46,286 --> 00:36:47,684 And sometime they don't wanna leave 752 00:36:47,686 --> 00:36:49,653 until the next day and shit. 753 00:36:49,655 --> 00:36:52,190 You gotta let 'em stay 'til the next day then get up 754 00:36:52,192 --> 00:36:55,492 in the morning, get fully dressed, walk them to the car, 755 00:36:55,494 --> 00:36:58,429 get them in the car, watch them drive off, 756 00:36:58,431 --> 00:37:01,499 go back in your house, get undressed and get back in bad. 757 00:37:01,501 --> 00:37:03,534 I ain't fuckin' with you. 758 00:37:03,536 --> 00:37:06,706 You stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you. 759 00:37:10,376 --> 00:37:13,177 You gonna have them one night stand, fellas, use them condoms. 760 00:37:13,179 --> 00:37:14,579 I know you don't wanna use them condoms, fellas. 761 00:37:14,581 --> 00:37:16,246 You tell 'em, I like to hit that thing raw, 762 00:37:16,248 --> 00:37:17,216 I like to hit that thing raw. 763 00:37:18,418 --> 00:37:19,450 Use them condoms, 'cause you fuck around, stick your dick 764 00:37:19,452 --> 00:37:21,586 in somethin', pull it out, look like a hot dog 765 00:37:21,588 --> 00:37:23,390 that popped in the microwave. 766 00:37:25,458 --> 00:37:27,057 You know it's fucked up when a doctor 767 00:37:27,059 --> 00:37:28,159 don't know what he lookin' at. 768 00:37:28,161 --> 00:37:30,161 When he's, "What the fuck am I...?" 769 00:37:30,163 --> 00:37:30,994 What the fuck? 770 00:37:30,996 --> 00:37:32,764 Let me make a fuckin' phone call. 771 00:37:32,766 --> 00:37:34,001 Let me... 772 00:37:38,070 --> 00:37:39,804 Talk about them relationships, though. 773 00:37:39,806 --> 00:37:42,039 They beautiful when they first start out man. 774 00:37:42,041 --> 00:37:44,208 I know some of y'all sittin' in here tonight, 775 00:37:44,210 --> 00:37:45,543 and it's new, it's brand new. 776 00:37:45,545 --> 00:37:47,512 Fun when it's new, 777 00:37:47,514 --> 00:37:49,813 'cause you got that giddy walk every time you see 'em. 778 00:37:49,815 --> 00:37:51,250 Baby, baby. 779 00:37:52,585 --> 00:37:55,688 [LAUGHTER] 780 00:38:00,226 --> 00:38:02,162 Oh, there go my baby. There go my baby. 781 00:38:03,128 --> 00:38:04,764 [LAUGHTER] 782 00:38:09,501 --> 00:38:11,572 And you got no cool in your walk, just... 783 00:38:16,208 --> 00:38:17,608 Kiss her like this. 784 00:38:17,610 --> 00:38:19,177 You know. 785 00:38:19,179 --> 00:38:20,845 But it's nice when it first start off, 786 00:38:20,847 --> 00:38:22,046 when it first start off, man. 787 00:38:22,048 --> 00:38:24,816 Like to talk on the phone, don't wanna hang up the phone. 788 00:38:24,818 --> 00:38:26,751 No, you hang up. No, you hang up. 789 00:38:26,753 --> 00:38:28,418 Okay, on three, hang up. 790 00:38:28,420 --> 00:38:29,387 One, two, three. 791 00:38:29,389 --> 00:38:32,190 See you still on there, you still on there. 792 00:38:32,192 --> 00:38:34,458 Shit, when it go bad you be like, "Bitch, please." 793 00:38:34,460 --> 00:38:35,361 Click. 794 00:38:39,833 --> 00:38:42,200 Remember when it was good, you were walkin', hold hands, 795 00:38:42,202 --> 00:38:43,800 and talk all that shit you didn't wanna talk, 796 00:38:43,802 --> 00:38:46,137 'cause this your world, baby, and we gonna be together 797 00:38:46,139 --> 00:38:48,106 a lifetime, that's just what it's about. 798 00:38:48,108 --> 00:38:49,706 I'm lovin' you, girl. I'm lovin' you. 799 00:38:49,708 --> 00:38:52,110 Like McDonald's, I'm lovin' you. 800 00:38:52,112 --> 00:38:53,110 That's beautiful. 801 00:38:53,112 --> 00:38:55,512 Shit, when it go bad you be walkin', leavin' her. 802 00:38:55,514 --> 00:38:56,813 Come on! 803 00:38:56,815 --> 00:38:58,382 Come on, bring your ass up! 804 00:38:58,384 --> 00:38:59,684 Come on! 805 00:38:59,686 --> 00:39:00,851 You get on my fuckin' nerves. 806 00:39:00,853 --> 00:39:02,854 I told you my fuckin' knees hurt. 807 00:39:02,856 --> 00:39:05,322 I told you to wear your fuckin' knee brace. 808 00:39:05,324 --> 00:39:07,425 Told you to wear your knee brace. 809 00:39:07,427 --> 00:39:10,661 I can't stand your ass, you get on my fuckin' nerves. 810 00:39:10,663 --> 00:39:12,733 Can't stand your fuckin' ass. 811 00:39:15,135 --> 00:39:16,603 What happened when it was good? 812 00:39:17,503 --> 00:39:18,403 Remember when it was good? 813 00:39:18,405 --> 00:39:20,204 If your lady wanted some new titties, 814 00:39:20,206 --> 00:39:22,173 you buy her some new titties, hook her up. 815 00:39:22,175 --> 00:39:25,142 Shit when it go bad, you ready take the titties back. 816 00:39:25,144 --> 00:39:26,677 Be rollin' up on her and shit. 817 00:39:26,679 --> 00:39:27,713 Poof, poof! 818 00:39:30,583 --> 00:39:32,416 Ah, he popped my titties! 819 00:39:32,418 --> 00:39:33,851 He popped my titties. 820 00:39:33,853 --> 00:39:35,552 He took his titties back. 821 00:39:35,554 --> 00:39:37,889 He took his titties back. 822 00:39:37,891 --> 00:39:40,827 He's a dirty motherfucker and took his titties back. 823 00:39:42,327 --> 00:39:43,528 Took his titties back. 824 00:39:46,298 --> 00:39:48,865 Remember when it was good, you could watch a movie together, 825 00:39:48,867 --> 00:39:50,668 just have a good time, talk about the movie, 826 00:39:50,670 --> 00:39:51,836 have a good time. 827 00:39:51,838 --> 00:39:53,271 Hey, baby, you gonna love this movie, I'm tellin' you. 828 00:39:53,273 --> 00:39:54,472 Watch it. 829 00:39:54,474 --> 00:39:55,840 I don't wanna tell you the end, but you gonna love this. 830 00:39:55,842 --> 00:39:57,941 Watch it. That's beautiful. 831 00:39:57,943 --> 00:40:00,411 And when it go bad you be sittin' in silence, 832 00:40:00,413 --> 00:40:02,313 lookin' at each other when the other one ain't lookin', 833 00:40:02,315 --> 00:40:03,483 thinkin' mean shit. 834 00:40:04,550 --> 00:40:06,550 She be lookin' at your ass thinkin', 835 00:40:06,552 --> 00:40:08,654 if I could stab this motherfucker... 836 00:40:10,255 --> 00:40:12,490 You be lookin' at her ass when she ain't lookin'. 837 00:40:12,492 --> 00:40:14,458 My mama told me about this bitch. 838 00:40:14,460 --> 00:40:15,760 [APPLAUSE] 839 00:40:15,762 --> 00:40:16,728 If I could choke her ass 840 00:40:16,730 --> 00:40:19,465 and they don't trace it back to forensics! 841 00:40:23,635 --> 00:40:25,570 Remember when it was good, your lady would come to bed 842 00:40:25,572 --> 00:40:27,938 in a nice little negligee, nice teddy, 843 00:40:27,940 --> 00:40:30,740 somethin' to entice you so you could get your fuck on. 844 00:40:30,742 --> 00:40:31,711 Shit. 845 00:40:32,679 --> 00:40:33,814 When it go bad, she come to bed in thermals, 846 00:40:35,014 --> 00:40:39,583 smellin' like Noxzema, and get in bed and tuck the covers 847 00:40:39,585 --> 00:40:43,421 up under her ass and start spinnin' in that motherfucker 848 00:40:43,423 --> 00:40:46,289 'cause she don't want you slippin' no dick in. 849 00:40:46,291 --> 00:40:47,624 Start spinnin'. 850 00:40:47,626 --> 00:40:50,293 I don't want him slippin' no dick in. 851 00:40:50,295 --> 00:40:51,896 I don't want him. 852 00:40:51,898 --> 00:40:53,834 I don't want him. 853 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,269 And lock, lookin' like a fuckin' burrito. 854 00:40:58,271 --> 00:41:00,003 [LAUGHTER] 855 00:41:00,005 --> 00:41:02,542 You can't get no dick in the top or the bottom. 856 00:41:03,476 --> 00:41:05,342 Well, fellas, you know when we want that pussy 857 00:41:05,344 --> 00:41:06,244 we want it, right? 858 00:41:06,246 --> 00:41:07,845 They wanna play them games, what we do? 859 00:41:07,847 --> 00:41:09,850 Go put that heat on 108. 860 00:41:11,451 --> 00:41:12,782 Get back in bed, watch the sweat 861 00:41:12,784 --> 00:41:14,985 bead up on her head and shit. 862 00:41:14,987 --> 00:41:17,521 By three o'clock she comin' out the covers. 863 00:41:17,523 --> 00:41:19,557 By 3:15 she out the thermals. 864 00:41:19,559 --> 00:41:21,628 By 3:30 the dick is in. 865 00:41:24,998 --> 00:41:28,766 I am the wait-out man. 866 00:41:28,768 --> 00:41:31,505 You don't play them games with me. 867 00:41:32,371 --> 00:41:33,503 We want it when we want it. 868 00:41:33,505 --> 00:41:34,905 They could have cramps and everything. 869 00:41:34,907 --> 00:41:36,510 Well, how bad are the cramps? 870 00:41:39,478 --> 00:41:42,012 Shit they could be throwing up. [RETCHES] 871 00:41:42,014 --> 00:41:44,315 Throw up that way, leave the pussy down here. 872 00:41:44,317 --> 00:41:46,383 Throw up that way, leave the pussy down here. 873 00:41:46,385 --> 00:41:47,286 Yeah. 874 00:41:48,987 --> 00:41:52,259 [LAUGHTER] 875 00:42:02,001 --> 00:42:02,903 Ah, man. 876 00:42:05,672 --> 00:42:09,773 If you in abusive, violent relationship, 877 00:42:09,775 --> 00:42:11,374 - get outta that shit. - [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 878 00:42:11,376 --> 00:42:12,878 Some people laughin' at that shit. 879 00:42:13,980 --> 00:42:15,849 I ain't heard nobody laugh at this. 880 00:42:16,782 --> 00:42:18,684 Violent relationship... [LAUGHS] 881 00:42:19,452 --> 00:42:21,955 Somebody gettin' their ass beat... [LAUGHS] 882 00:42:24,891 --> 00:42:27,590 Hey, if you in one of them relationship get out. 883 00:42:27,592 --> 00:42:29,360 I don't put my hands on a woman. 884 00:42:29,362 --> 00:42:30,193 First. 885 00:42:30,195 --> 00:42:31,697 [LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 886 00:42:33,565 --> 00:42:36,534 Fuck that, you hit me, I'm liable to hit you back. 887 00:42:36,536 --> 00:42:38,405 Bitch, what the fuck wrong with you? 888 00:42:39,105 --> 00:42:40,873 You lost your fuckin' mind. 889 00:42:41,740 --> 00:42:43,509 Fuck is wrong with you? 890 00:42:48,014 --> 00:42:50,113 They tell you about all the men that hit women, 891 00:42:50,115 --> 00:42:53,083 but they don't tell you about women that are fuckin' men up. 892 00:42:53,085 --> 00:42:54,885 There are some women that got treatin' men like, 893 00:42:54,887 --> 00:42:57,554 "Where your check at, you punk-ass motherfucker? 894 00:42:57,556 --> 00:43:00,326 Where your check at, you sucker-type ass?" 895 00:43:03,128 --> 00:43:05,128 You ever been arguin' with your lady, you know she about 896 00:43:05,130 --> 00:43:08,532 to hit you 'cause she pacin', her hand is movin', 897 00:43:08,534 --> 00:43:10,767 she like, "You's a dirty motherfucker. 898 00:43:10,769 --> 00:43:13,371 I never trusted your ass, you dirty..." 899 00:43:13,373 --> 00:43:14,637 And you, "Baby, go ahead with that shit. 900 00:43:14,639 --> 00:43:15,972 Go ahead with that shit now." 901 00:43:15,974 --> 00:43:17,641 "You's a dirty... uh-uh." 902 00:43:17,643 --> 00:43:19,075 Start swingin' on you, you start running' 903 00:43:19,077 --> 00:43:20,079 and, shit, you look 904 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,813 at your wrist. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? 905 00:43:23,815 --> 00:43:26,450 I'm sorry, Jesus, I gotta hit this bitch back. 906 00:43:26,452 --> 00:43:27,888 Pow! 907 00:43:32,992 --> 00:43:35,829 [SIGHS] 908 00:43:36,528 --> 00:43:37,963 Hit her with the death punch. 909 00:43:39,097 --> 00:43:41,432 You ever been in a relationship and you can't get 910 00:43:41,434 --> 00:43:44,438 your emotions under control, you cryin' so much? 911 00:43:45,737 --> 00:43:49,606 [SOBS] That's how bad it hurt you. 912 00:43:49,608 --> 00:43:53,746 [SOBS AND YELLS INCOHERENTLY] 913 00:43:56,782 --> 00:43:58,682 You start askin' questions. 914 00:43:58,684 --> 00:44:01,584 What do you want from me? 915 00:44:01,586 --> 00:44:03,690 What do you want from me? 916 00:44:04,190 --> 00:44:05,889 I want you to get the fuck out my face 917 00:44:05,891 --> 00:44:07,858 and leave me the fuck alone. 918 00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,363 [SOBS] 919 00:44:09,896 --> 00:44:11,598 You's a cold bitch. 920 00:44:12,197 --> 00:44:13,966 You's a cold bitch. 921 00:44:15,601 --> 00:44:16,503 [SIGHS] 922 00:44:20,572 --> 00:44:22,775 You don't care nothin' about my feelings. 923 00:44:25,110 --> 00:44:27,845 Fellas, know a good thing when you got a good thing. 924 00:44:27,847 --> 00:44:29,880 Good woman, know a good woman. 925 00:44:29,882 --> 00:44:32,615 Sometime we be plottin' to get out of a good thing. 926 00:44:32,617 --> 00:44:33,883 We tellin' our boys, I gotta get outta 927 00:44:33,885 --> 00:44:35,885 this relationship dog, I gotta get out. 928 00:44:35,887 --> 00:44:37,822 Dog, what she do? What she do? She a good girl. 929 00:44:37,824 --> 00:44:40,726 Aw, man, she be gettin' up all early in the mornin' and shit. 930 00:44:42,228 --> 00:44:44,628 Cookin' and cleanin' and shit. 931 00:44:44,630 --> 00:44:46,499 Gotta get out, dog, I gotta get out. 932 00:44:49,202 --> 00:44:50,934 Ladies, when they plot to get out already, 933 00:44:50,936 --> 00:44:53,537 you know when they tired and fed up they ready to get out, 934 00:44:53,539 --> 00:44:56,139 'cause it's all in their face, their attitude, everything. 935 00:44:56,141 --> 00:44:59,011 They just look at you, they just can't stand your ass. 936 00:45:00,612 --> 00:45:03,616 [LAUGHTER] 937 00:45:07,820 --> 00:45:09,789 Do you have to fuckin' chew like that? 938 00:45:10,755 --> 00:45:12,956 Every fuckin' thing annoys them, everything. 939 00:45:12,958 --> 00:45:16,163 [EXAGGERATED CHEWING NOISES] Who the fuck chews like that? 940 00:45:18,597 --> 00:45:20,231 You have to fuckin' breath like that? 941 00:45:20,233 --> 00:45:23,603 [EXAGGERATED BREATHING] Who the fuck breathes like that? 942 00:45:26,639 --> 00:45:28,005 Be tellin' their girlfriends on you. 943 00:45:28,007 --> 00:45:30,007 Girl, he ain't shit, girl. 944 00:45:30,009 --> 00:45:32,775 Girlfriend see you, be actin' different towards you. 945 00:45:32,777 --> 00:45:34,580 Hi, how you doin'? 946 00:45:41,653 --> 00:45:43,987 She be tellin' her girlfriend, "I gotta get out, girl." 947 00:45:43,989 --> 00:45:48,494 I'm with this fat-ass, sleep annoying-ass motherfucker. 948 00:45:49,195 --> 00:45:51,561 And when you do that you might as well get out, 949 00:45:51,563 --> 00:45:53,199 'cause we wind up cheatin' on each other. 950 00:45:53,999 --> 00:45:55,266 And, man, we terrible cheaters. 951 00:45:55,268 --> 00:45:57,200 Women stop speakin' to us for three days, 952 00:45:57,202 --> 00:45:58,471 we tell on ourself. 953 00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:02,840 Baby, you ain't said nothin' to me in three days. 954 00:46:02,842 --> 00:46:05,878 All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. 955 00:46:06,711 --> 00:46:08,215 I fucked your friend Thelma. 956 00:46:09,215 --> 00:46:10,217 And Louise. 957 00:46:11,817 --> 00:46:13,617 'Cause what do we do right before we cheat. 958 00:46:13,619 --> 00:46:15,255 We ain't been doin' it no other time. 959 00:46:15,954 --> 00:46:17,153 We call. 960 00:46:17,155 --> 00:46:19,923 Ain't called no other time, but this time we wanna call. 961 00:46:19,925 --> 00:46:23,026 Hey, baby! Hey baby! What's happenin'? What's happenin'? 962 00:46:23,028 --> 00:46:26,095 Yeah, just callin', checkin' on you, that's all. 963 00:46:26,097 --> 00:46:28,534 [SLURRING] 964 00:46:32,038 --> 00:46:34,572 Yeah, you still wanna go to Hawaii? 965 00:46:34,574 --> 00:46:35,572 You still thinkin' 'bout that? 966 00:46:35,574 --> 00:46:37,240 Yeah, I'm thinkin' about takin' you to Hawaii. 967 00:46:37,242 --> 00:46:39,242 [LAUGHS] Yeah, that's right. 968 00:46:39,244 --> 00:46:40,209 All right. 969 00:46:40,211 --> 00:46:41,244 Okay. 970 00:46:41,246 --> 00:46:42,912 All right, all right. 971 00:46:42,914 --> 00:46:46,585 Lemme ask you a question, you all the way across town? 972 00:46:47,719 --> 00:46:50,019 'Bout 30, 40 minutes away? 973 00:46:50,021 --> 00:46:52,322 Couldn't possibly get here in 20 minutes? 974 00:46:52,324 --> 00:46:54,258 Okay, well don't call back, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna be 975 00:46:54,260 --> 00:46:56,997 in the studio with Ne-Yo and Rock Hound. 976 00:47:01,733 --> 00:47:03,766 Shit, if women wanna get dick on the side 977 00:47:03,768 --> 00:47:04,967 they gonna get dick on side. 978 00:47:04,969 --> 00:47:07,737 Ain't nothin' you can do, they just get proactive on you. 979 00:47:07,739 --> 00:47:10,106 They be tellin' you shit like, "Ah, tomorrow, 980 00:47:10,108 --> 00:47:13,376 if you was thinkin' about askin' for some pussy, don't." 981 00:47:13,378 --> 00:47:15,646 [LAUGHTER] 982 00:47:15,648 --> 00:47:17,249 "Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna have a headache." 983 00:47:19,885 --> 00:47:22,286 You be tryin' to negotiate with 'em and shit. 984 00:47:22,288 --> 00:47:24,021 If I bring you some crab legs, 985 00:47:24,023 --> 00:47:25,224 you think I could get a smell? 986 00:47:26,791 --> 00:47:30,360 Get you a smell and leave them crab legs on the table and shit. 987 00:47:30,362 --> 00:47:32,695 Women just tell you they need some "me" time. 988 00:47:32,697 --> 00:47:35,264 Tell you they gonna get a manicure and a pedicure. 989 00:47:35,266 --> 00:47:36,633 Be gone all day, come back, 990 00:47:36,635 --> 00:47:38,204 that shit don't even be polished on. 991 00:47:39,038 --> 00:47:41,137 Be spray painted on and shit. 992 00:47:41,139 --> 00:47:43,706 They walk into the room with "I just got some dick" walk. 993 00:47:43,708 --> 00:47:45,242 Good night. 994 00:47:45,244 --> 00:47:47,646 And the heater is broke, bitch. 995 00:47:50,016 --> 00:47:51,882 'Cause if a lady cheat on you, you never know 996 00:47:51,884 --> 00:47:54,017 that package been open, you never know, 'cause they know 997 00:47:54,019 --> 00:47:55,818 how to put it back in a cuddle ball 998 00:47:55,820 --> 00:47:57,054 and steam it back together. 999 00:47:57,056 --> 00:48:00,190 They know how to iron the lips on the motherfucker and shit 1000 00:48:00,192 --> 00:48:01,925 and get all the information outta 1001 00:48:01,927 --> 00:48:03,327 the motherfuckin' lips and all that. 1002 00:48:03,329 --> 00:48:06,166 [IMITATES AN IRON STEAMING] 1003 00:48:12,672 --> 00:48:14,807 Just put that motherfucker back together. 1004 00:48:16,141 --> 00:48:17,941 And, fellas, if you cheat on your lady, 1005 00:48:17,943 --> 00:48:20,309 be careful 'cause she'll smell your dick. 1006 00:48:20,311 --> 00:48:22,246 I don't wanna give you head no other time, but now that 1007 00:48:22,248 --> 00:48:24,247 she wanna give you head, head, 1008 00:48:24,249 --> 00:48:25,816 and then she down there smellin' your dick. 1009 00:48:25,818 --> 00:48:26,983 And she'll ask you, 1010 00:48:26,985 --> 00:48:29,353 why do you smell like you got fresh balls? 1011 00:48:29,355 --> 00:48:32,722 You been gone all day, you should have musky balls. 1012 00:48:32,724 --> 00:48:36,929 You should have a tangy, salty, musky ball smell. 1013 00:48:39,465 --> 00:48:41,201 You been cheatin' on me. 1014 00:48:42,300 --> 00:48:44,367 And they bitin' dicks off and they cuttin' dicks off. 1015 00:48:44,369 --> 00:48:46,336 They teachin' ladies how to just bite 'em, 1016 00:48:46,338 --> 00:48:50,039 just clamp and snatch your dick off and leave you there. 1017 00:48:50,041 --> 00:48:52,978 [GROANING] 1018 00:48:53,913 --> 00:48:55,479 Fuck that. I love my dick too much. 1019 00:48:55,481 --> 00:48:57,113 I shouldn't have to sleep in a jockey cup 1020 00:48:57,115 --> 00:48:59,048 every time I get in an argument. 1021 00:48:59,050 --> 00:49:00,983 Love sex. Where all my sex lovers at? 1022 00:49:00,985 --> 00:49:02,186 Sex lovers. 1023 00:49:02,188 --> 00:49:03,820 [CHEERING] 1024 00:49:03,822 --> 00:49:06,789 Yeah, we're adults, we can talk sex, we admit that shit. 1025 00:49:06,791 --> 00:49:08,827 Love sex. I wish I was fuckin' right now. 1026 00:49:09,829 --> 00:49:11,994 Shit, that's what I love to do in my spare time. 1027 00:49:11,996 --> 00:49:15,766 I just do this shit, be playin' and shit. 1028 00:49:15,768 --> 00:49:18,371 Just tryin' to move, just... 1029 00:49:24,976 --> 00:49:26,413 I be tryin' shit. 1030 00:49:27,112 --> 00:49:30,780 Had a friend of mine gonna tell me he was a sex addict. 1031 00:49:30,782 --> 00:49:32,215 What the fuck is a sex addict? 1032 00:49:32,217 --> 00:49:34,418 If you get a lot of pussy, you a sex addict? 1033 00:49:34,420 --> 00:49:35,954 I ain't goin' to rehab. 1034 00:49:37,289 --> 00:49:38,755 What the fuck is a sex addict? 1035 00:49:38,757 --> 00:49:40,423 Do you just be walkin', "Hi, how you doin'? 1036 00:49:40,425 --> 00:49:44,161 Ah! Somebody get me some pussy! Somebody get me some pussy! 1037 00:49:44,163 --> 00:49:47,231 I'm a sex addict. I gotta have it, I'm a sex addict. 1038 00:49:47,233 --> 00:49:48,401 I gotta have it. 1039 00:49:49,902 --> 00:49:52,903 Oh, there it go again, there it go again. 1040 00:49:52,905 --> 00:49:54,804 I'm an addict, I'm an addict. 1041 00:49:54,806 --> 00:49:57,443 I gotta have it, I gotta have it." 1042 00:49:58,911 --> 00:50:00,778 The fuck is a sex addict? 1043 00:50:00,780 --> 00:50:02,845 Love sex. Love sex. 1044 00:50:02,847 --> 00:50:05,349 Love that soundtrack you ladies give during sex. 1045 00:50:05,351 --> 00:50:06,318 Love that soundtrack. 1046 00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:08,918 Y'all give it up, too. Ya'll give it up, too. 1047 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:10,756 [MOANS] 1048 00:50:16,061 --> 00:50:18,862 Baby! Baby! 1049 00:50:18,864 --> 00:50:20,063 [MOANS] 1050 00:50:20,065 --> 00:50:22,202 You're killin' it, you're killin' it. 1051 00:50:23,902 --> 00:50:25,068 That make you fuck harder. 1052 00:50:25,070 --> 00:50:27,371 I'm killin' it, I'm killin', I'm killin'! 1053 00:50:27,373 --> 00:50:30,376 [LAUGHTER] 1054 00:50:32,177 --> 00:50:34,077 I love that soundtrack. 1055 00:50:34,079 --> 00:50:36,046 Some ladies give too much soundtrack. 1056 00:50:36,048 --> 00:50:38,514 [YELLS] Shut the fuck up. 1057 00:50:38,516 --> 00:50:40,117 [LAUGHTER] 1058 00:50:40,119 --> 00:50:41,521 You gonna make my dick go down. 1059 00:50:43,021 --> 00:50:45,889 Some like to make you solve math problems and shit. 1060 00:50:45,891 --> 00:50:47,958 "What's two plus two?" "Four." 1061 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,092 "What's four plus four?" "Eight." 1062 00:50:50,094 --> 00:50:52,595 "25 plus 35." That's when you cum. 1063 00:50:52,597 --> 00:50:55,298 [SIGHS] I'm sorry, I only got a GED. 1064 00:50:55,300 --> 00:50:57,034 [LAUGHTER] 1065 00:50:57,036 --> 00:51:00,005 Yeah, I can't count that far. Can't count. 1066 00:51:03,242 --> 00:51:05,374 But I give that soundtrack back, I give it back. 1067 00:51:05,376 --> 00:51:07,577 I'll talk to 'em, I'll talk to 'em. 1068 00:51:07,579 --> 00:51:09,112 Shit. 1069 00:51:09,114 --> 00:51:10,347 [BREATHES HEAVILY] 1070 00:51:10,349 --> 00:51:11,985 This motherfucker here. 1071 00:51:13,284 --> 00:51:15,985 This motherfucker here. 1072 00:51:15,987 --> 00:51:17,253 Shit! 1073 00:51:17,255 --> 00:51:20,356 Oh, that's some good... Oh, that's some good. 1074 00:51:20,358 --> 00:51:22,124 Okay, tell you... 1075 00:51:22,126 --> 00:51:24,293 Put your motherfuckin' leg in there. 1076 00:51:24,295 --> 00:51:26,530 Put your motherfuckin' leg over on it. 1077 00:51:26,532 --> 00:51:27,497 Put your head in the... 1078 00:51:27,499 --> 00:51:31,101 Put your head in the motherfuckin' pillow. 1079 00:51:31,103 --> 00:51:33,637 [CHEERING] 1080 00:51:33,639 --> 00:51:37,143 Give that shit up. I give it back, give it back. 1081 00:51:39,445 --> 00:51:43,012 Ladies, I got some bad news I'll share with ya. 1082 00:51:43,014 --> 00:51:44,548 I might as well just tell ya. 1083 00:51:44,550 --> 00:51:46,416 I'm not good at lickin' pussy. 1084 00:51:46,418 --> 00:51:47,387 [LAUGHTER AND HECKLING] 1085 00:51:48,554 --> 00:51:51,021 I know, I know, I know, go ahead get it out, blame me. 1086 00:51:51,023 --> 00:51:53,122 I know, I'm terrible, terrible. 1087 00:51:53,124 --> 00:51:57,094 I try to be good, you know, I try on the clit. 1088 00:51:57,096 --> 00:51:58,431 I try the fast tongue. 1089 00:51:59,898 --> 00:52:00,599 You know... 1090 00:52:01,599 --> 00:52:02,965 I can't get that shit, 1091 00:52:02,967 --> 00:52:04,971 and I lick it like I'm lickin' ice cream. 1092 00:52:06,137 --> 00:52:09,106 And I lick it with my eyes closed and that's not good, 1093 00:52:09,108 --> 00:52:10,539 'cause sometimes you go down too far, 1094 00:52:10,541 --> 00:52:11,944 catch somethin' on your tongue. 1095 00:52:13,913 --> 00:52:15,048 What the fuck? 1096 00:52:17,282 --> 00:52:18,581 Fuck was that? 1097 00:52:18,583 --> 00:52:21,954 Like a spore marshmallow. What the fuck was that? 1098 00:52:24,590 --> 00:52:28,228 Like a burnt black pistachio. What the fuck is...? 1099 00:52:29,460 --> 00:52:31,230 What the fuck is that shit? 1100 00:52:32,563 --> 00:52:34,266 So I don't do that shit no more. 1101 00:52:35,067 --> 00:52:37,103 I don't lick no pussy no more. 1102 00:52:38,436 --> 00:52:41,371 Ladies, I love that head y'all give, what they call 1103 00:52:41,373 --> 00:52:43,974 fellatio, love when you all give it. 1104 00:52:43,976 --> 00:52:45,041 There's some out there that know 1105 00:52:45,043 --> 00:52:46,642 how to give it good, give it right. 1106 00:52:46,644 --> 00:52:48,077 Some don't know how to do. 1107 00:52:48,079 --> 00:52:49,211 They cuttin' you all the fuck up. 1108 00:52:49,213 --> 00:52:51,213 [EXCLAIMS IN PAIN] 1109 00:52:51,215 --> 00:52:52,648 But the one's that know how to do that shit, 1110 00:52:52,650 --> 00:52:54,019 that look you in the eye. 1111 00:53:00,059 --> 00:53:03,226 You get all shy and shit. What you lookin' at me for? 1112 00:53:03,228 --> 00:53:06,199 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 1113 00:53:07,666 --> 00:53:10,370 ♪ If you really love me ♪ 1114 00:53:11,103 --> 00:53:13,039 ♪ Won't you tell me ♪ 1115 00:53:15,541 --> 00:53:18,175 Let's talk pussies, let's talk pussies. 1116 00:53:18,177 --> 00:53:19,278 Love pussy. 1117 00:53:20,244 --> 00:53:22,382 Been around pussy for 50 years. 1118 00:53:23,114 --> 00:53:26,215 Love pussy. Just don't like no dry pussy, ugh! 1119 00:53:26,217 --> 00:53:28,751 Some got it bad too, thing so dry. 1120 00:53:28,753 --> 00:53:30,554 You sittin' on it right now. You sittin' on it, too. 1121 00:53:30,556 --> 00:53:32,191 You know who you are. 1122 00:53:32,992 --> 00:53:36,028 That thing is like Ajax. That shit is like Ajax. 1123 00:53:39,331 --> 00:53:40,563 You be in a motherfucker, 1124 00:53:40,565 --> 00:53:42,766 it be cuttin' you all up and shit. 1125 00:53:42,768 --> 00:53:44,434 When you finish you gotta sit on the end 1126 00:53:44,436 --> 00:53:47,104 of the bed puttin' Neosporin on your shit. 1127 00:53:47,106 --> 00:53:50,539 [LAUGHTER] 1128 00:53:50,541 --> 00:53:53,309 I don't like no... I don't like no stinky pussy, either. 1129 00:53:53,311 --> 00:53:55,345 Can't stand no stinky pussy. 1130 00:53:55,347 --> 00:53:56,579 Pussy smell so bad it smell like 1131 00:53:56,581 --> 00:53:59,117 it should have a name called yaki mandu. 1132 00:54:00,351 --> 00:54:03,355 I could deal with the yaki, but that mandu. 1133 00:54:04,623 --> 00:54:06,789 When you in there with that yaki, you just be in there 1134 00:54:06,791 --> 00:54:10,360 with that yaki. "Okay, that ain't nothin' but a little yaki, 1135 00:54:10,362 --> 00:54:14,264 that ain't nothing but a little yaki. 1136 00:54:14,266 --> 00:54:17,501 Uh oh! Uh oh! There go that mandu! There go that mandu! 1137 00:54:17,503 --> 00:54:19,372 Abort, abort, abort!" 1138 00:54:23,442 --> 00:54:25,708 I let a lady know when that shit ain't smellin' right. 1139 00:54:25,710 --> 00:54:29,345 Smell that, smell that. This shit, that's you. 1140 00:54:29,347 --> 00:54:31,516 I ain't been nowhere all day, that's you. 1141 00:54:33,152 --> 00:54:35,188 Yaki mandu. 1142 00:54:41,226 --> 00:54:43,392 I like ladies that know how to take care of that thing, 1143 00:54:43,394 --> 00:54:46,463 keep it clean like fresh runnin' water. 1144 00:54:46,465 --> 00:54:47,664 Make that thing look good, too. Make it look 1145 00:54:47,666 --> 00:54:51,467 like a lobster with butter comin' down the motherfucker. 1146 00:54:51,469 --> 00:54:53,038 Just succulent, man. 1147 00:54:54,106 --> 00:54:56,606 I find ladies don't like no stinky dicks, 1148 00:54:56,608 --> 00:54:58,340 and, fellas, we don't know our dick stinks sometimes 1149 00:54:58,342 --> 00:55:00,309 'cause our head is back when they given us head 1150 00:55:00,311 --> 00:55:01,811 we don't know but they be down there like this. 1151 00:55:01,813 --> 00:55:04,216 "Damn! This nigga dick stink!" 1152 00:55:05,717 --> 00:55:08,554 And sometime they catch a ass breeze that go with it. 1153 00:55:20,264 --> 00:55:22,402 [GAGS] 1154 00:55:26,804 --> 00:55:28,140 Serious with it. 1155 00:55:29,108 --> 00:55:30,309 Serious. 1156 00:55:30,809 --> 00:55:32,876 Back to pussies. Back to pussies. 1157 00:55:32,878 --> 00:55:35,211 I don't like them deep pussies. 1158 00:55:35,213 --> 00:55:36,612 I'm talkin' 'bout pussy so deep 1159 00:55:36,614 --> 00:55:38,548 Jacques Cousteau wouldn't go there. 1160 00:55:38,550 --> 00:55:40,117 And you have up in the motherfucker, 1161 00:55:40,119 --> 00:55:41,351 you in it, you in it, 1162 00:55:41,353 --> 00:55:43,686 and she say deeper. Deeper? 1163 00:55:43,688 --> 00:55:46,590 I already got my ass bone in the motherfucker! 1164 00:55:46,592 --> 00:55:48,825 How fuckin' deep can I fuckin' go? 1165 00:55:48,827 --> 00:55:50,760 You wind up puttin' your leg in the motherfucker 1166 00:55:50,762 --> 00:55:54,567 with this, go deeper now with this, go deeper now. 1167 00:55:56,702 --> 00:55:59,235 I don't like them beat-up pussies, man. 1168 00:55:59,237 --> 00:56:01,673 Pussies look so bad look like they got a black eye. 1169 00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:03,773 And the lips on the motherfucker 1170 00:56:03,775 --> 00:56:06,543 just hangin' on 'em like this. 1171 00:56:06,545 --> 00:56:09,715 Hangin', pussy look exhausted, just... [EXHALES] 1172 00:56:10,681 --> 00:56:13,717 Look like when you pull a string out a turtleneck 1173 00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:17,387 and the turtleneck drop, and motherfuck just humph. 1174 00:56:17,389 --> 00:56:21,458 You start cryin' and shit. Who did this to you? 1175 00:56:21,460 --> 00:56:22,862 Who did this to you? 1176 00:56:24,663 --> 00:56:27,699 I'm callin' 911, I'm callin' 911. 1177 00:56:28,833 --> 00:56:31,333 Yeah, I wanna report an emergency. 1178 00:56:31,335 --> 00:56:33,670 Somebody beat it up real bad. 1179 00:56:33,672 --> 00:56:35,108 Yeah, real bad. 1180 00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:37,809 And where my squirters at? 1181 00:56:38,510 --> 00:56:39,479 Love them squirters. 1182 00:56:40,579 --> 00:56:41,610 Boy, you don't know if they came or pissed on you. 1183 00:56:41,612 --> 00:56:42,878 [LAUGHTER] 1184 00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:45,851 All I know is they don't have to go the bathroom afterward. 1185 00:56:46,684 --> 00:56:49,318 You prepare for a squirter, you know a squirter comin' over, 1186 00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:52,621 you put plastic on your pillows, on your sheets and shit. 1187 00:56:52,623 --> 00:56:55,325 Feel like your balls is goin' through a car wash. 1188 00:56:55,327 --> 00:56:58,695 [IMITATES VIBRATIONS] 1189 00:56:58,697 --> 00:57:01,497 And I found ladies love to get that ass spanked, 1190 00:57:01,499 --> 00:57:02,865 they love to get that ass popped, 1191 00:57:02,867 --> 00:57:05,467 they just don't like to be surprised with that shit. 1192 00:57:05,469 --> 00:57:07,537 You can't just be fuckin' and just hit 'em, pow. 1193 00:57:07,539 --> 00:57:09,673 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1194 00:57:09,675 --> 00:57:12,309 You lost your fuckin' mind? You don't be hittin' on me. 1195 00:57:12,311 --> 00:57:13,177 I get their permission. 1196 00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:14,411 Miss Lady, I'm gonna spank that ass, 1197 00:57:14,413 --> 00:57:15,481 I'm gonna pop that ass. 1198 00:57:16,681 --> 00:57:17,914 'Cause I asked nicely, you can pop it, you can spank it. 1199 00:57:17,916 --> 00:57:20,217 I let her know, okay, I gotta couple different pops, okay? 1200 00:57:20,219 --> 00:57:22,918 Pick a pop and tell me which pop you like to your liking. 1201 00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:25,921 Pick a pop and tell me which pop you want to your your liking. 1202 00:57:25,923 --> 00:57:28,525 Okay, I got one pop where I, pow, hit you real quick, 1203 00:57:28,527 --> 00:57:30,427 give you a little sizzle, a little sting. 1204 00:57:30,429 --> 00:57:32,229 Pow, a little sizzle, little sting. 1205 00:57:32,231 --> 00:57:35,432 Or I got one where I go shoulder limp, pow, and I'll plow 1206 00:57:35,434 --> 00:57:38,434 you into the pillow or plow you into the bed pole, pow. 1207 00:57:38,436 --> 00:57:40,172 Or I can hit you with the chair. 1208 00:57:41,606 --> 00:57:43,372 You want the chair? 1209 00:57:43,374 --> 00:57:44,641 Well, can you sign right here and say 1210 00:57:44,643 --> 00:57:46,376 I got permission to hit you with a chair? 1211 00:57:46,378 --> 00:57:48,711 'Cause I'm gonna lay your fuckin' ass out. 1212 00:57:48,713 --> 00:57:51,717 LA, much love y'all, much love. 1213 00:58:28,719 --> 00:58:31,287 If I could send one message to my fans, 1214 00:58:31,289 --> 00:58:33,456 it most definitely would be thank you. 1215 00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:36,659 It most definitely be thank you for... to them 1216 00:58:36,661 --> 00:58:40,429 for, over the years, just all the love and the support. 1217 00:58:40,431 --> 00:58:43,066 And I know without them, I would not be here. 1218 00:58:43,068 --> 00:58:44,336 Martin! 1219 00:58:45,369 --> 00:58:46,336 Really enjoyed it. 1220 00:58:46,338 --> 00:58:47,403 I think my favorite joke when he was talkin' 1221 00:58:47,405 --> 00:58:49,938 about the White House when he met the President. 1222 00:58:49,940 --> 00:58:52,577 When Michelle said, "Marty Mar!" 1223 00:58:53,344 --> 00:58:55,814 MARTIN: I'm not savin' the world. [LAUGHS] 1224 00:58:56,581 --> 00:58:59,349 But I'm just tryin' to make you laugh. 1225 00:58:59,351 --> 00:59:02,555 The three taps on the ass, that's my favorite. 1226 00:59:04,356 --> 00:59:05,858 The best was the Ajax. 1227 00:59:07,059 --> 00:59:08,425 I have a headache right now. 1228 00:59:08,427 --> 00:59:11,528 MARTIN: I love it when I change their whole mindset of, 1229 00:59:11,530 --> 00:59:17,733 if they come in the show and they, "Oh, let me see what 1230 00:59:17,735 --> 00:59:20,003 this motherfucker got for us tonight," you know? 1231 00:59:20,005 --> 00:59:22,871 I love changing that whole attitude and seein' 'em 1232 00:59:22,873 --> 00:59:25,474 by time the ending of the night, they're like this, 1233 00:59:25,476 --> 00:59:28,677 or they're like, "Oh, he's crazy, he's so crazy." 1234 00:59:28,679 --> 00:59:30,880 I love that, it's all worthwhile. 1235 00:59:30,882 --> 00:59:32,749 Everything, everything, from beginning to end. 1236 00:59:32,751 --> 00:59:34,050 It was funny, everything. 1237 00:59:34,052 --> 00:59:36,086 Love you, Marty Mar! 1238 00:59:36,088 --> 00:59:38,054 We love you, come to support you. 1239 00:59:38,056 --> 00:59:40,757 Personally, from me to you, to y'all, 1240 00:59:40,759 --> 00:59:45,394 thank you so, so, so, very much, and I appreciate you. 1241 00:59:45,396 --> 00:59:46,298 God bless. 1242 00:59:50,101 --> 00:59:53,470 What up, Marty Mar? You still my OG, baby. 1243 00:59:53,472 --> 00:59:56,372 I'm glad to see you back out there doin' your thing. 1244 00:59:56,374 --> 00:59:58,941 Comedy needed you, we needed you. 1245 00:59:58,943 --> 01:00:02,979 I'm glad you still one of my greatest comic heroes. 1246 01:00:02,981 --> 01:00:07,550 You, Eddie, Richard, George Carlin, Jackie Gleason. 1247 01:00:07,552 --> 01:00:09,686 I tried to see him during a movie I'm doing with him. 1248 01:00:09,688 --> 01:00:11,954 I know he recognized me, he invited me to dinner, 1249 01:00:11,956 --> 01:00:13,923 but I didn't tell him exactly what time. 1250 01:00:13,925 --> 01:00:16,458 I stopped by his trailer complex, 1251 01:00:16,460 --> 01:00:18,061 and Larry, who knows me, 1252 01:00:18,063 --> 01:00:19,862 we're buddies, he looked right at me, 1253 01:00:19,864 --> 01:00:21,563 he sees me all during the day, 1254 01:00:21,565 --> 01:00:24,736 sees me at night in the wrong area. He says to me, 1255 01:00:25,704 --> 01:00:26,772 "Are you lost?" 1256 01:00:27,873 --> 01:00:31,010 "No, I was here to see Mr. Lawrence." 1257 01:00:31,777 --> 01:00:34,110 Which is what he likes to be referred to. 1258 01:00:34,112 --> 01:00:36,146 Martin Lawrence, let me tell you somethin' man, 1259 01:00:36,148 --> 01:00:37,813 you my OG, man. 1260 01:00:37,815 --> 01:00:39,715 You put me on the game, man. 1261 01:00:39,717 --> 01:00:42,184 And the favorite moment of Martin Lawrence is when you 1262 01:00:42,186 --> 01:00:48,393 played, "I said Jerome in the house, I say ah, ah, ah, ah!" 1263 01:00:54,065 --> 01:00:59,068 Martin Lawrence is a great actor, he's a great friend, 1264 01:00:59,070 --> 01:01:02,438 he's a great comedian, and I think the reason 1265 01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:05,842 that he is great is because he's so generous. 1266 01:01:05,844 --> 01:01:09,112 He always has room for someone else to be funny. 1267 01:01:09,114 --> 01:01:12,749 Oh, I went back, man. Don't do me like that, Marty Mar! 1268 01:01:12,751 --> 01:01:14,684 I'm out here to support, man. 1269 01:01:14,686 --> 01:01:16,853 It's the legendary Martin Lawrence, man. 1270 01:01:16,855 --> 01:01:19,621 You know, I always said to myself as a kid, 1271 01:01:19,623 --> 01:01:22,858 "The moment I get a chance to go to a live concert, 1272 01:01:22,860 --> 01:01:25,998 I will be doing that," since I was seven, six years old. 1273 01:01:26,965 --> 01:01:29,566 So the time has arrived, you know what I'm sayin'? 1274 01:01:29,568 --> 01:01:32,601 I'm out here in LA, he's back doin' his thing. 1275 01:01:32,603 --> 01:01:34,537 One of the greatest, you feel me? 1276 01:01:34,539 --> 01:01:37,673 You've always been funny. You've always been a cool dude. 1277 01:01:37,675 --> 01:01:39,943 Even though you cheat at basketball, but that's cool. 1278 01:01:39,945 --> 01:01:41,110 I still love you, man. 1279 01:01:41,112 --> 01:01:43,713 And I can't wait what you gonna do 1280 01:01:43,715 --> 01:01:46,215 for the next 25, 30 years, man. 1281 01:01:46,217 --> 01:01:48,784 We in your corner. We love you. 1282 01:01:48,786 --> 01:01:51,753 Stay funny. Hey, man, and stay my friend. 1283 01:01:51,755 --> 01:01:53,525 Yo, Martin, we love you, man. 1284 01:01:53,891 --> 01:01:56,895 ♪ 98088

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