Original subtitles

♪

[WOMEN CHATTING]

Romey Rome is the business.

Even when he does the little boy Roscoe.

"You gonna give me some of your candy."

- Wazzup! - Oh, my God.

That's it right there. That's me right there.

That's Marty Mar right there.

Hey, Martin, I'm happy you back, man.

I'm happy you back on the stage doing your thing, man.

Damn, Gina!

Hey, Martin.

- Martin! - Oh, geez.

Hell, yeah.

MARTIN: The sounds of the laughter is the fuel.

It's the oil.

It's the basketball going in the net, hearing the net,

the sound of the net.

That laughter is key to everything because that's

the reward, that's what you do it for.

You do it for the laughter. You do it to make people laugh.

And they enjoy themself and sometimes they stand

you know, give big applause, whatever, you know,

and just to see that they enjoyed the show and the love,

that's the most fun about it. To me, it's the reward.

'Cause everything else is a process and everything else.

You know, you gotta get enough rest, you gotta make sure

you got some food in your body for fuel, everything.

But the reward is when I see the people laughing.

The life of a comedian, backstage pass, all access.

I remember going to see Eddie Murphy, uh,

he was performing at Richmond Coliseum or somewhere,

and I drove from Maryland two hours to see him,

and I remember seeing him then and he was so good

and I just said to myself, "Man, that's what I wanna do."

And comedy, stand-up comedy, was my way in.

I think we good. Let's have some fun, right?

To start a comedy career, it's a grind. I mean, you know,

going to the comedy clubs, smoke-filled rooms,

you know, maybe about a hundred people, two-hundred people,

you trying to convince them what you believe is funny, is funny.

But when it hit me was when I got chose for Star Search.

Let's bring on Martin Lawrence.

MARTIN: And I auditioned for Claudia McMahon

and I did my act,

I was blue and everything, I just was myself,

and believe it or not they called me.

The man would make it worse, 'cause you could just say,

"I'm going out!"

She say, "I cook for you, I clean for you..."

Then it makes the man feel bad. He say, "I'm sorry honey,

I did not even know it was like that. God, I love you too.

Now give me the car keys."

Thank you, you guys were great.

Man, I'm outta here.

I said, "I'm outta here."

Then after I did Star Search, I auditioned

for What's Happening Now!!

I was already amped up, I was already ready to go.

For a kid coming from the neighborhood to Hollywood

it's a big transition. Your eyes light up.

It's like seeing Heaven.

Chris Albrecht over at HBO got my tape from somebody

over at Star Search and they saw me perform and they loved

what they saw and asked me, was I interested in acting?

I said, "I ain't doin' nothin' but sittin' round here in

my drawers, what else, 'course I'm interested in acting."

I would love that. That's how I got started,

that's how the whole Martin show got started.

Gina ain't here, wait in the hall.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTIN: There were a lot of people who told me

I couldn't do things.

The language, the... you know, subject matters that

I talk about was inappropriate at times,

and they would say it's not going to fly.

But I saw Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip

and when Eddie came along, I seen him doing his own thing

I didn't feel like, you know, they were being edited

or whatever, whether people told 'em

they could do it or not.

I was like, "Fuck them. I'm do what I wanna do."

Martin Lawrence, man, you're the greatest of all time.

You transcend generations. We was born in '87.

He says things that we wanna say or we think about saying.

You go, boy.

[CHEERING]

MARTIN: Before I'm going out on stage and I'm standing there

and I'm shadowboxing, and I'm just thinking,

"Man, you better be funny, man. You gotta be funny tonight.

You can't turn back now, you got thousands of people

out there and you just can't turn back now,

so you gotta bring it."

But I'm ready to do what I'm ready to do,

I'm ready to get it on.

MC: Ladies and gentlemen,

Martin Lawrence!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, LA.

LA!

Yeah!

That's why I came here!

That's why I came here!

[MARTIN WHOOPS]

I love that shit. Make some motherfucking noise.

[CHEERING]

Yeah!

Yes! I know we in this motherfucker tonight!

Boy, all that noise, boy, we got white people scared,

They all, "Shit! What the fuck?

How many black people are goin' off tonight?"

Oh, y'all lookin' good, you lookin' good.

Thank you for coming out.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Y'all don't mind if I just take my time.

Just hang out with y'all for a little while.

Y'know?

Yeah, you all lookin' good, look good.

I know, I see ya. [BLOWS A KISS]

Huh? Yeah. I know.

Y'all like the way I'm dressed tonight?

[CHEERING]

I said, "Martin, don't go up there wearing

all that hot-ass leather.

Don't wear all that hot-ass leather."

Fellas, I know y'all got your suits on, y'all lookin' good.

Fellas, y'all cool?

I know y'all was in that mirror before y'all got here

with this shit.

"Yeah, nigga, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't know nothin'

about that there.

Look at them shoes. Look at that, daddy. Yeah, yeah."

Ladies, I know y'all lookin' good.

Y'all got them pumps on?

- [WOMEN CHEERING] - Y'all got them pumps on?

All right, when y'all got them pumps on that ass

just, "clickity clack, clack, clack, clack."

Just all ass, just "clack clack".

"Clickity clack clack clack clack".

When y'all ain't got them pumps on you look like

somebody done kicked you in your ass.

You got them flats on just be slidin' and shit.

Just slidin' like a motherfucker.

[SIGHS]

But uh, y'all seen the footage, y'all seen the footage,

y'all up there.

I been in the game damn near 30 years, y'all. 30 years.

- [APPLAUSE] - Yeah, yeah.

I'm doin' time in Hollywood, that's what I call it.

Doin' time in Hollywood.

Everybody keep askin' me when we gonna do another Bad Boys.

[CHEERING]

They better hurry up and do that motherfucker

before it becomes Sad Boys.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm gettin' all fat and shit, I'll be running' and shit.

Freeze!

Freeze!

They better hurry up and do that motherfucker.

But Hollywood, sometimes they act like

they don't know Marty Mart in Hollywood.

Yeah, they be rollin' up on me, "Don Cheadle!"

[LAUGHTER]

"Love ya in Blackish. Love ya in Blackish."

Everybody in Hollywood on Dancing with the Stars.

Man, if you see me on that motherfucker, my career is over.

[LAUGHTER]

Everybody on that motherfucker doin' this shit here,

and all of this here.

Call me when that shit's like this.

[R&B BEAT PLAYING]

Yeah.

Call me when it's like that.

I bet I win that motherfucker too.

WOMAN: I love you, Martin!

I love you back, baby. Thank you, thank you.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Thank you.

Yeah.

Boy, I was readin' somethin' on the way over here.

I don't know how true it is, but it said that

Caitlyn Jenner, he don't wanna be a woman no more.

Anybody hear that shit?

Just all the sudden changed his mind and is just like,

"Fuck, I wanna go back. I wanna be a man."

Can you just change like that?

Musta been them fuckin' high heels,

I'm tellin' you it's the fuckin' high heels.

I can't fuckin' do this in these everyday.

I can't do this shit every motherfuckin' day.

It ain't easy being a woman. Women will tell you that shit.

Ladies, shit y'all got them cramps every month.

Bleedin' every month.

Fellas, if we were bleedin' every month,

we couldn't handle that shit.

Ladies be tryin' to give you head, we be talkin' 'bout,

"Naw, I don't think you wanna do that."

She don't believe you on your period, you gotta show her

a little tampon and shit with the string hangin'

off the motherfucker.

Little Q-tip ball on the tip of your dick and shit

with a string hangin' off the motherfucker.

[LAUGHTER]

She don't believe you, she keep pressin' you and shit.

You tellin' her, "Okay, if you want to, but I'm spottin'."

If you don't mind a little ketchup on the hot dog,

go get a towel, go get a towel.

What else with Hollywood, man?

Fuckin' with my man Cosby.

Why you fuck with Cosby, America's dad.

Cosby.

They say it's up to 50-something women now,

50-something women.

Can you believe that shit? I don't believe that.

50-something women?

Maybe 27.

[LAUGHTER]

Naw, man, Cosby ain't had to roofie nobody,

all he did was put that Pudding Pop in 'em.

All he just... "Whoa, it's the puddin'."

"It's the puddin'."

"It's the puddin'." [GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

That's all he did was hypnotize 'em.

I can't talk about Cosby, I can't talk about nobody

because my shit that I done did in my life.

I'm still walkin' around this motherfucker thinkin',

"What the fuck they gonna find on my ass?

I know I done did some shit in Cleveland once.

What the fuck?"

I can't think of nothin' but, only thing I can think of,

is it fucked up if you beat your meat on Skype?

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause I don't want my lady in them streets,

I told her, take a look at this.

Take a look at this.

Look at them balls, look at them balls.

Them your balls, them your balls, take a look at this.

Look at that birthmark, look at that birthmark.

I know I was lookin' all fucked up, too, just...

[LAUGHTER]

You know I had that face where you can't cum and shit.

Like you ready to cry.

[WHIMPERING]

Shit.

What else goin' on in Hollywood?

OJ, his ass, not a bright motherfucker, OJ.

Y'all see they got that TV movie on him and shit?

Not a bright motherfucker.

I mean, nigga, if you get away with murder,

nigga, sit yo ass down.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

You know, go to Mexico and drink Tequila

the rest of your life. Nigga, sit you ass down.

Now you in that motherfucker braidin' hair.

[LAUGHTER]

How do you go from this shit to this?

Over some motherfuckin' memorabilia.

They got his ass on memorabilia.

Gotta do 40 over some memorabilia.

Over an old-ass football hat he can't even wear.

[LAUGHTER]

Some old ass cleats that he can't even fuckin'

get in no more. He gotta do 40 behind that shit.

Shit.

Man.

Y'all mind if I get a little water?

[SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS HECKLE]

Huh, motherfucker said, "Hurry up."

WOMAN: Yes, we did! Yes, we did!

Yeah, I'm gonna tell y'all somethin' about me growin' up.

I was... before I got here, I was tryin' a lot of things.

I was a door-to-door comic.

Yep, I used to go to people's house and shit.

Put the baby away! Got some jokes for your ass.

A lot of people don't know I was a male dancer.

Yeah.

They used to call me Cocoa Dick, Cocoa Dick.

[CHANTING] Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa...

I used to lay it right on their forehead.

[CHANTING] Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa.

Had a fat girl clientele. They used to throw

chicken wings up there and shit to pay me and shit.

I used to bat them wings back in their mouth.

Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Had to give it up, though,

'cause that thong gave me a rash.

Had my whole ass chapped.

Whole ass chapped.

But I got into a lot of physical sports when I was young,

a lot of physical sports.

My first physical sport I got in was karate.

I was real good at karate.

[KARATE KIAI]

I was good with the sound.

[KARATE KIAI]

Everybody think they know karate 'til they meet somebody

that really fuckin' knows karate.

I'm a blue belt, I do blue belt shit.

I get in my stance.

Go get help!

My other physical sport I love man, I love, is boxing.

That was my sport, I was good at that, you can tell.

Yeah.

I just always dance and shit, move.

You can tell the way I move, I was pretty good.

[LAUGHTER]

"Ding!" Good round, nigga, good round.

That motherfucker almost hit me.

I got out the game when I got my eye swollen.

That's when I got out.

Knew as soon as he hit me, that shit. "Pow!"

Went back to my corner.

[LAUGHTER]

"Coach, is my eye swollen?"

"You doin' great, you doin' good!"

"Is my eye swollen?" "Yes!"

Fuck you! Fight over, nigga!

Boxin' is a hard hustle, man.

Especially if you a friend of a fighter.

And you ever go to a fight with him and got a ride

home with him after he done got his ass wooped.

You don't know what to say to him.

He yellin' out incoherent shit.

"Jordans like to wear pitbulls."

What the fuck are you talkin' 'bout?

Askin' you questions and shit.

Nah, I don't know where your teeth are.

Last time I seen them, they was with you.

One of my favorite fighters of all times,

favorite fighters is Mike Tyson, man.

Love Mike Tyson.

One of my favorite fighters, man.

Wouldn't it be cool if somebody was fuckin' with you,

you could run in there get Mike if he's a cousin,

brother, uncle, all you gotta do is run in there.

Mike, Mike!

The motherfucker punched my nose!

Stop cryin', what happened?

You know Mike got that soft voice.

Stop cryin', what happened?

Let me eat my cereal first.

Come on, let's go handle it.

Is it him right here?

Boing!

Stop cryin', look his back is broke.

He won't bother you no more. If he do, he roll up on you.

Would anybody in here let Mike Tyson hit 'em

for 10 million dollars?

- WOMAN: Yeah! - [LAUGHS]

You raisin' your hand? A female raisin' her hand.

[LAUGHS]

You would let Mike Tyson hit your for 10 million?

Fuck that.

No amount of money.

You let him hit you for 10 million,

you have on some new shoes but you be all fucked up.

[LAUGHTER]

SLURS] Mike Tyson hit me for 10 million dollars.

He hit me and I got some new shoes.

I got some new... new, I got some new shoes,

I got some new shoes.

Fuckin' with Mike Tyson got me some new shoes.

Yeah.

But I had a lot of heart though, y'all.

I had a lot of heart comin' up, I'd fight anybody,

I didn't give a fuck, you know.

I ain't no big guy, but I'd fight anybody.

I remember this guy named George like 6'9"

was fuckin' with my sister, he's on the football team.

My sister came in there, "George fuckin' with me!"

I said, "George who?"

"This 6'9" motherfucker."

I said, "I'mma handle it, I'mma handle it."

I went lookin' for George. Where this nigga George at?

Anybody seen George?

Has anybody seen George?

Where this motherfucker George at?

Anybody seen George?

Come here, nigga!

You fuckin' with my sister?

Let me tell your big 6'9" ass somethin'.

Don't you fuck with nothin' that's mine ever again.

Let me tell you something. George,

I will take your big ass down. I will hurt you, George.

Don't fuck with nothin' that's mine.

George looked at me.

He said, "Okay, Martin, you got it."

Looked down at me.

That's when I knew I was gonna be an actor.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

But, God, let me tell you a little about family.

Got a beautiful family.

Support me all the way here. All during my comedy.

I told my nephews I was comin' down here to LA.

I said, "I'm goin' to do my thing,

I gotta take LA, they live."

"Yeah, they live in LA, go down there, motherfuckin' Unc

and turn up on 'em! Turn up on 'em, Unc!

Dab on 'em, Unc. Dab on 'em, dab on 'em."

Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.

Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.

I got three beautiful sisters.

One of my sisters, she's very, very nice,

in the daytime.

[LAUGHTER]

Once she get that drink in her, she,

"I cut your throat, motherfucker!"

Our stepfather used to talk like this.

"Son, I love you so much. Son, I love what you doin'

in the game, I love what you doin', son."

I said, "Dad," I told him, I said,

"Dad, I'm goin' to the Kentucky Derby."

He said, "Oh yeah, son! Where that at?"

[LAUGHTER]

I said, "Dad, I'm goin' to the Kentucky Derby."

He said, "Don't get upset, son. All I'm sayin' is,

where that at?"

I said, "Dad, Kentucky!"

He said, "Well, shit. Bring me back

a Kentucky Fried Chicken meal, two piece biscuits..."

I know what I wanted to share with y'all,

I had to tell ya.

Got a chance to go to the White House, meet the President.

- [CHEERING] - Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sure did, man. Soon as I walked in the White House,

Barack saw me and was like, "Wazzup!"

I was like, "Mr. President, Mr. President!"

He said, "Call me Barry, Marty. Call me Barry."

Man, he started walkin' me 'round,

started showin' me 'round.

He said, "Look, Marty, FUBU rug. For Us, By Us."

Man, we started walkin' around, man.

He started showin' me 'round and had music playin'.

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

But his groove was off 'cause you know he black and white.

So his shit was off.

♪ So in love with you ♪

♪ Whatever you wanna do ♪

It's all fucked up, just be all fucked up.

Then he took me past the kitchen.

He says, "Michelle, look who's here!"

She said, "Marty Mar!"

The girls, daughters were gettin'

their hair pressed in the kitchen.

[LAUGHTER]

Smell like hair hawkin' grease in that motherfucker.

Man.

Then he took me back to the Oval Office and he said,

"Marty, that's where Monica Lewinsky gave Clinton

that sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Yeah, Michelle won't even let me sit there.

Michelle won't even let me sit there."

[LAUGHTER]

Man, we go back to the Oval Office, then he close the door,

and he looked at me and he said, "You smoke a little weed?"

I said, "I don't really fuck with it, but you the President,

you the President!"

He said, "Who legalizin' that shit, huh?"

Who legalizin' that shit, huh?"

[APPLAUSE]

Man, me and the President start gettin' high.

He got deep too, he said, "Yeah, Marty, finally got

that Obamacare though, they was fuckin' with me on that,

but now everybody get Obamacare, nigga, yeah.

My security detail, they fuckin' up, runnin' into

the White House with their cars and shit,

made me wanna put my foot in one of their asses.

You know they gave me that Nobel Peace Prize, right?

For what, I don't know."

[LAUGHTER]

"And then he said, look here, fuck that,

I brought you here for one specific reason.

Nobody else could get the answer.

I'm the Prez, I need to know.

Nobody could get the answer,

but I'm the Prez, I need to know."

And he leaned in and he asked me...

"What the fuck did Tommy do for a livin'?"

I told him, "He ain't got no job, Prez.

Tommy the type could hang out with Jerome."

[YELLING]

I said Jerome in the house.

I said Jerome in the house.

Watch your mouth!

I just wanted to do that.

Just 'cause you all so good audience,

I just wanted to do that.

But y'all know I'm lying talkin' 'bout meetin' the President,

I didn't meet the President. I'm lyin' my ass off.

Y'all know I'm lyin'.

Talkin' about smokin' weed with the President.

Man, where my weed smokers at?

- [CHEERING] - Yeah.

Yeah.

I see the black lips, I see the black lips.

Boy, I can't smoke that shit all the time, boy.

Weed have you doin' some dumb shit.

Have you gettin' dressed in the kitchen and shit.

Yeah I'm put my pants on

and scramble my eggs at the same time.

Motherfuckers ain't thinkin' like that,

they ain't thinkin' like that.

How you sittin' at a stop sign waitin' for it to turn green.

[LAUGHTER]

Fuck is wrong with this light?

You at a stop sign, nigga.

Be lookin' for your phone while you on the motherfucker.

Where the fuck is my phone?

Where the fuck is my phone?

I know it's around here somewhere.

Let me call you back, I gotta find my motherfuckin' phone.

And black people, white people, we get high differently.

Black people, we get high, we start philosophying.

We get high we, 'cause the world is spinnin'

like a motherfucker, so if you wanna be here,

you gotta hang on.

See how I deep I just came, see how deep.

White boys smoke that shit, you hear that?

Did you fuckin' hear that?

It says kill four people dude.

Fuckin' kill four people.

I'm gonna get my fucking gun.

White boys get all emotional and shit when they get high.

"Yo, dude, I fuckin' love you man.

Fuckin' love your cats, your dogs, your hamsters,

all that shit dude, I fuckin' love you."

They put their body into it, too.

"I fuckin' love you dude.

I love your ass.

You're my bestie fuckin' dude.

You're my fuckin' bestie, dude."

Yeah. Gettin' high, though.

I don't recommend you do this, don't get high and drive.

I did that shit, and that shit was crazy.

I was at a club and I left the club, I was so fuckin' high,

I was drivin' and I pulled up at a light,

and I looked over, and a cop pulled up right beside me.

I looked at the cop

and I drove right through the fuckin' light.

I just pulled over.

Cop said, "What were you thinkin'?"

I said, "I'm high.

Doin' too much, doin' too much.

Can you give me a ticket?

I gotta learn.

I gotta fuckin' learn."

If you out there, if you get your drink on with your liquor,

yeah, be careful with that liquor.

Be careful with that liquor.

I like people to know how to handle their drink.

Social drinkers get a little drink.

[CHUCKLES] "Yeah, what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Yeah. [LAUGHS] It's all good, it's all good.

I know people that know how to drink like that, they cool.

But how do motherfuckers get this drunk?

[LAUGHTER]

I need a... I need a Uber.

They got that drunk talk and shit.

I need a Uber.

Somebody get me an Uber.

If you drinkin' be careful, know who you drinkin' with.

'Cause you know you fuck around, don't know who you

drinkin' with, wake up the next day, your kidney be missin'.

'Cause you know they be stealin' body parts and shit.

You fuck around, wake up, have a new leg on.

Have a tall-ass fuckin' leg on.

Who the fuck put this fuckin' leg on me?

This tall-ass, fuckin' slap foot-ass leg on me.

Who the fuck?

Who was I drinkin' with?

Who the fuck was I drinkin' with last night?

What the fuck?

I can't even run in this motherfucker.

Just turned, just turned 50 last year.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you.

Gettin' old, y'all. 50, man. Gettin' old, gettin' old.

Got that gut now and shit, got that gut.

This motherfucker ain't goin' nowhere man,

ain't goin' nowhere.

It's all 50. 50 all puddin'. Nothin' but just puddin'.

Ain't gonna be no more abs on this motherfucker ever again.

You'll never see another ab on this motherfucker.

But that's a'ight, I ain't mad, I ain't worried,

'cause all this turn into dick after 12.

Just skababoom, skabow, bang,

sping, spow, spot, sping.

Gettin' old, y'all. Gettin' old.

Be walkin' around the house singing jingles and shit.

♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪

♪ At Farmersonly.com ♪

Fuck am I singing that shit for?

♪ I'm in love with the cocoa ♪

♪ Bakin' soda, I got bakin' soda, I got bakin' soda ♪

They got another one out.

Cutty, you got the cutty.

I don't know what they mean.

You got the cutty, you got the cutty.

They got one song out, Truffle Butter,

they be jammin' on that shit.

♪ Truffle Butter Truffle Butter ♪

Anybody know what that is?

They say that's when you take the pussy juice,

and the ass juice, and you mix it all up.

And sometime it got corn in it and stuff,

and you just eat it all up.

They be jammin' too.

♪ Truffle Butter ♪

♪ Truffle Butter ♪

Shit, I go to a restaurant,

I don't order nothin' with truffle in it.

[LAUGHTER]

Gettin' old, though, y'all. Gettin' old.

Startin' to piss on myself.

What in the fuck is it at 50 when you see the bathroom,

soon as you see that motherfucker,

you start doing this shit.

[LAUGHTER]

Like this.

[SIGHS]

Think you finished. Oh, no.

Oh, no, there it go again, there it go again.

Man.

My dick done shrink on me.

I didn't if it was my belly button.

I'm startin' to pee on my balls now.

And my balls just hangin' in the water every time

I sit down, just hangin' in the water, just dunky dunk,

just moist balls, just damp balls all the time,

just moist, damp balls every fuckin' time.

Gettin' old, gettin' old.

Startin' to shit on myself.

I know you think it can't happen to you, but it can.

It can.

It happened to me. I was in Vegas and I was going to

an event and we was in the limo and my boy

he got in the limo and he farted,

and I just thought that was disrespectful you know.

He got in the limo and he... [IMITATES LOUD FART]

I was mad, y'all.

I said, "Oh, he gonna get in my limo and let off like that."

I said, "Oh okay, I got one for that, take this.

[IMITATES FART] And I shit it.

[LAUGHTER]

That soft diaper shit, too.

I couldn't go back in the hotel, so I just took

my drawers off, got a good swipe

and threw them motherfuckers on the Vegas strip.

So if you see some shitty drawers out there,

bring 'em to me, I'll sign 'em for you.

[LAUGHTER]

Gettin' old, man, gettin' old.

I know you think, fellas, you think your dick gonna

be there for you all the time.

At 50 that motherfucker stop, it wanna act up.

It just start, it be doin' shit, it just be down

that motherfucker just, just, just, just doin' shit.

I don't know, I ain't fuckin' with you, Marty, today,

I ain't fuckin' with you today.

And if your dick start acting up, what you gonna need?

You gonna need that what? That Viagra.

Anybody here ever take Viagra?

Y'all liars!

Y'all liars.

Hey, take that shit. Take that shit, that shit work.

[LAUGHTER]

It just got a lot of side effects, lot of side effects.

One side effect is bald heads.

There are a lot of bald headed

motherfuckers in here right now.

[LAUGHTER]

Another side effect is stuffy nose.

You don't get no pussy you just be sniffin' all night.

[SNIFFS] Doing this shit.

Another one is diarrhea.

And the other one is the biggest one of all, it's blindness.

Would you risk goin' blind for some pussy?

I don't know, I might have to risk that.

I be blinder than a motherfucker.

Who am I fuckin'?

Who am I fuckin'?

Be singin' Stevie Wonder songs.

♪ If you really love me ♪

♪ Won't you tell me ♪

That Viagra. They say if you gonna use that Viagra,

they say if your dick stay hard longer

than four, five hours, go see the doctor.

I ain't gonna see no doctor,

he ain't stickin' no needle in my shit.

My dick hard longer than four, five hours,

I'm fuckin' everybody.

#

Take that.

Take that, take that.

Take that.

And they say, and they say what if you get a hard dick

and you gotta shit at the same time?

That's cold, ain't it?

Your dick hard and you... Oh!

Oh.

Which one...

Which one do I do first? Oh.

Do I fuck first and then go shit?

Do I shit and then go fuck?

Oh do you just, pow, let it all go.

I got some good news, I got some bad news.

Good news, I came, I came. I did, I came.

Bad news is I shit it, I shit it.

We gonna clean it all up, we gonna clean it all up.

WOMAN: I love you!

I love you back, baby. I love you back.

[CHEERING]

Went to... went to see my doctor the other day.

He gonna tell me that I had low testosterone.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

That's funny?

[LAUGHTER]

Said I had a slow leak in my balls.

And the only way to fix it was with some Fix a Flat.

Said it was a good thing I got in there when I did

'cause I was close to DD.

I was close to dead dick.

Boy, when you got a dead dick,

you just be soft and in love that's it.

Only thing you could do is become a good hugger and shit.

Get up under these arms, girl,

you know I'm gonna hug the shit out yo ass tonight.

You know that, right?

I might wrap a leg around your ass.

I might wrap a leg around your ass.

Round of applause for all the people in relationships.

[APPLAUSE]

Congratulations, all four of you.

[LAUGHTER]

Round of applause for everybody lookin'

for that one night stand tonight.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Y'all don't wanna admit this shit.

One night stands is cool, they cool.

It's just fucked up you can't get rid of 'em sometime.

After you hit it and shit, you be layin' there.

So what you about to do?

And sometime they don't wanna leave

until the next day and shit.

You gotta let 'em stay 'til the next day then get up

in the morning, get fully dressed, walk them to the car,

get them in the car, watch them drive off,

go back in your house, get undressed and get back in bad.

I ain't fuckin' with you.

You stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you.

You gonna have them one night stand, fellas, use them condoms.

I know you don't wanna use them condoms, fellas.

You tell 'em, I like to hit that thing raw,

I like to hit that thing raw.

Use them condoms, 'cause you fuck around, stick your dick

in somethin', pull it out, look like a hot dog

that popped in the microwave.

You know it's fucked up when a doctor

don't know what he lookin' at.

When he's, "What the fuck am I...?"

What the fuck?

Let me make a fuckin' phone call.

Let me...

Talk about them relationships, though.

They beautiful when they first start out man.

I know some of y'all sittin' in here tonight,

and it's new, it's brand new.

Fun when it's new,

'cause you got that giddy walk every time you see 'em.

Baby, baby.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, there go my baby. There go my baby.

[LAUGHTER]

And you got no cool in your walk, just...

Kiss her like this.

You know.

But it's nice when it first start off,

when it first start off, man.

Like to talk on the phone, don't wanna hang up the phone.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up.

Okay, on three, hang up.

One, two, three.

See you still on there, you still on there.

Shit, when it go bad you be like, "Bitch, please."

Click.

Remember when it was good, you were walkin', hold hands,

and talk all that shit you didn't wanna talk,

'cause this your world, baby, and we gonna be together

a lifetime, that's just what it's about.

I'm lovin' you, girl. I'm lovin' you.

Like McDonald's, I'm lovin' you.

That's beautiful.

Shit, when it go bad you be walkin', leavin' her.

Come on!

Come on, bring your ass up!

Come on!

You get on my fuckin' nerves.

I told you my fuckin' knees hurt.

I told you to wear your fuckin' knee brace.

Told you to wear your knee brace.

I can't stand your ass, you get on my fuckin' nerves.

Can't stand your fuckin' ass.

What happened when it was good?

Remember when it was good?

If your lady wanted some new titties,

you buy her some new titties, hook her up.

Shit when it go bad, you ready take the titties back.

Be rollin' up on her and shit.

Poof, poof!

Ah, he popped my titties!

He popped my titties.

He took his titties back.

He took his titties back.

He's a dirty motherfucker and took his titties back.

Took his titties back.

Remember when it was good, you could watch a movie together,

just have a good time, talk about the movie,

have a good time.

Hey, baby, you gonna love this movie, I'm tellin' you.

Watch it.

I don't wanna tell you the end, but you gonna love this.

Watch it. That's beautiful.

And when it go bad you be sittin' in silence,

lookin' at each other when the other one ain't lookin',

thinkin' mean shit.

She be lookin' at your ass thinkin',

if I could stab this motherfucker...

You be lookin' at her ass when she ain't lookin'.

My mama told me about this bitch.

[APPLAUSE]

If I could choke her ass

and they don't trace it back to forensics!

Remember when it was good, your lady would come to bed

in a nice little negligee, nice teddy,

somethin' to entice you so you could get your fuck on.

Shit.

When it go bad, she come to bed in thermals,

smellin' like Noxzema, and get in bed and tuck the covers

up under her ass and start spinnin' in that motherfucker

'cause she don't want you slippin' no dick in.

Start spinnin'.

I don't want him slippin' no dick in.

I don't want him.

I don't want him.

And lock, lookin' like a fuckin' burrito.

[LAUGHTER]

You can't get no dick in the top or the bottom.

Well, fellas, you know when we want that pussy

we want it, right?

They wanna play them games, what we do?

Go put that heat on 108.

Get back in bed, watch the sweat

bead up on her head and shit.

By three o'clock she comin' out the covers.

By 3:15 she out the thermals.

By 3:30 the dick is in.

I am the wait-out man.

You don't play them games with me.

We want it when we want it.

They could have cramps and everything.

Well, how bad are the cramps?

Shit they could be throwing up. [RETCHES]

Throw up that way, leave the pussy down here.

Throw up that way, leave the pussy down here.

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, man.

If you in abusive, violent relationship,

- get outta that shit. - [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

Some people laughin' at that shit.

I ain't heard nobody laugh at this.

Violent relationship... [LAUGHS]

Somebody gettin' their ass beat... [LAUGHS]

Hey, if you in one of them relationship get out.

I don't put my hands on a woman.

First.

[LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Fuck that, you hit me, I'm liable to hit you back.

Bitch, what the fuck wrong with you?

You lost your fuckin' mind.

Fuck is wrong with you?

They tell you about all the men that hit women,

but they don't tell you about women that are fuckin' men up.

There are some women that got treatin' men like,

"Where your check at, you punk-ass motherfucker?

Where your check at, you sucker-type ass?"

You ever been arguin' with your lady, you know she about

to hit you 'cause she pacin', her hand is movin',

she like, "You's a dirty motherfucker.

I never trusted your ass, you dirty..."

And you, "Baby, go ahead with that shit.

Go ahead with that shit now."

"You's a dirty... uh-uh."

Start swingin' on you, you start running'

and, shit, you look

at your wrist. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?

I'm sorry, Jesus, I gotta hit this bitch back.

Pow!

[SIGHS]

Hit her with the death punch.

You ever been in a relationship and you can't get

your emotions under control, you cryin' so much?

[SOBS] That's how bad it hurt you.

[SOBS AND YELLS INCOHERENTLY]

You start askin' questions.

What do you want from me?

What do you want from me?

I want you to get the fuck out my face

and leave me the fuck alone.

[SOBS]

You's a cold bitch.

You's a cold bitch.

[SIGHS]

You don't care nothin' about my feelings.

Fellas, know a good thing when you got a good thing.

Good woman, know a good woman.

Sometime we be plottin' to get out of a good thing.

We tellin' our boys, I gotta get outta

this relationship dog, I gotta get out.

Dog, what she do? What she do? She a good girl.

Aw, man, she be gettin' up all early in the mornin' and shit.

Cookin' and cleanin' and shit.

Gotta get out, dog, I gotta get out.

Ladies, when they plot to get out already,

you know when they tired and fed up they ready to get out,

'cause it's all in their face, their attitude, everything.

They just look at you, they just can't stand your ass.

[LAUGHTER]

Do you have to fuckin' chew like that?

Every fuckin' thing annoys them, everything.

[EXAGGERATED CHEWING NOISES] Who the fuck chews like that?

You have to fuckin' breath like that?

[EXAGGERATED BREATHING] Who the fuck breathes like that?

Be tellin' their girlfriends on you.

Girl, he ain't shit, girl.

Girlfriend see you, be actin' different towards you.

Hi, how you doin'?

She be tellin' her girlfriend, "I gotta get out, girl."

I'm with this fat-ass, sleep annoying-ass motherfucker.

And when you do that you might as well get out,

'cause we wind up cheatin' on each other.

And, man, we terrible cheaters.

Women stop speakin' to us for three days,

we tell on ourself.

Baby, you ain't said nothin' to me in three days.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

I fucked your friend Thelma.

And Louise.

'Cause what do we do right before we cheat.

We ain't been doin' it no other time.

We call.

Ain't called no other time, but this time we wanna call.

Hey, baby! Hey baby! What's happenin'? What's happenin'?

Yeah, just callin', checkin' on you, that's all.

[SLURRING]

Yeah, you still wanna go to Hawaii?

You still thinkin' 'bout that?

Yeah, I'm thinkin' about takin' you to Hawaii.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that's right.

All right.

Okay.

All right, all right.

Lemme ask you a question, you all the way across town?

'Bout 30, 40 minutes away?

Couldn't possibly get here in 20 minutes?

Okay, well don't call back, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna be

in the studio with Ne-Yo and Rock Hound.

Shit, if women wanna get dick on the side

they gonna get dick on side.

Ain't nothin' you can do, they just get proactive on you.

They be tellin' you shit like, "Ah, tomorrow,

if you was thinkin' about askin' for some pussy, don't."

[LAUGHTER]

"Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna have a headache."

You be tryin' to negotiate with 'em and shit.

If I bring you some crab legs,

you think I could get a smell?

Get you a smell and leave them crab legs on the table and shit.

Women just tell you they need some "me" time.

Tell you they gonna get a manicure and a pedicure.

Be gone all day, come back,

that shit don't even be polished on.

Be spray painted on and shit.

They walk into the room with "I just got some dick" walk.

Good night.

And the heater is broke, bitch.

'Cause if a lady cheat on you, you never know

that package been open, you never know, 'cause they know

how to put it back in a cuddle ball

and steam it back together.

They know how to iron the lips on the motherfucker and shit

and get all the information outta

the motherfuckin' lips and all that.

[IMITATES AN IRON STEAMING]

Just put that motherfucker back together.

And, fellas, if you cheat on your lady,

be careful 'cause she'll smell your dick.

I don't wanna give you head no other time, but now that

she wanna give you head, head,

and then she down there smellin' your dick.

And she'll ask you,

why do you smell like you got fresh balls?

You been gone all day, you should have musky balls.

You should have a tangy, salty, musky ball smell.

You been cheatin' on me.

And they bitin' dicks off and they cuttin' dicks off.

They teachin' ladies how to just bite 'em,

just clamp and snatch your dick off and leave you there.

[GROANING]

Fuck that. I love my dick too much.

I shouldn't have to sleep in a jockey cup

every time I get in an argument.

Love sex. Where all my sex lovers at?

Sex lovers.

[CHEERING]

Yeah, we're adults, we can talk sex, we admit that shit.

Love sex. I wish I was fuckin' right now.

Shit, that's what I love to do in my spare time.

I just do this shit, be playin' and shit.

Just tryin' to move, just...

I be tryin' shit.

Had a friend of mine gonna tell me he was a sex addict.

What the fuck is a sex addict?

If you get a lot of pussy, you a sex addict?

I ain't goin' to rehab.

What the fuck is a sex addict?

Do you just be walkin', "Hi, how you doin'?

Ah! Somebody get me some pussy! Somebody get me some pussy!

I'm a sex addict. I gotta have it, I'm a sex addict.

I gotta have it.

Oh, there it go again, there it go again.

I'm an addict, I'm an addict.

I gotta have it, I gotta have it."

The fuck is a sex addict?

Love sex. Love sex.

Love that soundtrack you ladies give during sex.

Love that soundtrack.

Y'all give it up, too. Ya'll give it up, too.

[MOANS]

Baby! Baby!

[MOANS]

You're killin' it, you're killin' it.

That make you fuck harder.

I'm killin' it, I'm killin', I'm killin'!

[LAUGHTER]

I love that soundtrack.

Some ladies give too much soundtrack.

[YELLS] Shut the fuck up.

[LAUGHTER]

You gonna make my dick go down.

Some like to make you solve math problems and shit.

"What's two plus two?" "Four."

"What's four plus four?" "Eight."

"25 plus 35." That's when you cum.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, I only got a GED.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, I can't count that far. Can't count.

But I give that soundtrack back, I give it back.

I'll talk to 'em, I'll talk to 'em.

Shit.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

This motherfucker here.

This motherfucker here.

Shit!

Oh, that's some good... Oh, that's some good.

Okay, tell you...

Put your motherfuckin' leg in there.

Put your motherfuckin' leg over on it.

Put your head in the...

Put your head in the motherfuckin' pillow.

[CHEERING]

Give that shit up. I give it back, give it back.

Ladies, I got some bad news I'll share with ya.

I might as well just tell ya.

I'm not good at lickin' pussy.

[LAUGHTER AND HECKLING]

I know, I know, I know, go ahead get it out, blame me.

I know, I'm terrible, terrible.

I try to be good, you know, I try on the clit.

I try the fast tongue.

You know...

I can't get that shit,

and I lick it like I'm lickin' ice cream.

And I lick it with my eyes closed and that's not good,

'cause sometimes you go down too far,

catch somethin' on your tongue.

What the fuck?

Fuck was that?

Like a spore marshmallow. What the fuck was that?

Like a burnt black pistachio. What the fuck is...?

What the fuck is that shit?

So I don't do that shit no more.

I don't lick no pussy no more.

Ladies, I love that head y'all give, what they call

fellatio, love when you all give it.

There's some out there that know

how to give it good, give it right.

Some don't know how to do.

They cuttin' you all the fuck up.

[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]

But the one's that know how to do that shit,

that look you in the eye.

You get all shy and shit. What you lookin' at me for?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

♪ If you really love me ♪

♪ Won't you tell me ♪

Let's talk pussies, let's talk pussies.

Love pussy.

Been around pussy for 50 years.

Love pussy. Just don't like no dry pussy, ugh!

Some got it bad too, thing so dry.

You sittin' on it right now. You sittin' on it, too.

You know who you are.

That thing is like Ajax. That shit is like Ajax.

You be in a motherfucker,

it be cuttin' you all up and shit.

When you finish you gotta sit on the end

of the bed puttin' Neosporin on your shit.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't like no... I don't like no stinky pussy, either.

Can't stand no stinky pussy.

Pussy smell so bad it smell like

it should have a name called yaki mandu.

I could deal with the yaki, but that mandu.

When you in there with that yaki, you just be in there

with that yaki. "Okay, that ain't nothin' but a little yaki,

that ain't nothing but a little yaki.

Uh oh! Uh oh! There go that mandu! There go that mandu!

Abort, abort, abort!"

I let a lady know when that shit ain't smellin' right.

Smell that, smell that. This shit, that's you.

I ain't been nowhere all day, that's you.

Yaki mandu.

I like ladies that know how to take care of that thing,

keep it clean like fresh runnin' water.

Make that thing look good, too. Make it look

like a lobster with butter comin' down the motherfucker.

Just succulent, man.

I find ladies don't like no stinky dicks,

and, fellas, we don't know our dick stinks sometimes

'cause our head is back when they given us head

we don't know but they be down there like this.

"Damn! This nigga dick stink!"

And sometime they catch a ass breeze that go with it.

[GAGS]

Serious with it.

Serious.

Back to pussies. Back to pussies.

I don't like them deep pussies.

I'm talkin' 'bout pussy so deep

Jacques Cousteau wouldn't go there.

And you have up in the motherfucker,

you in it, you in it,

and she say deeper. Deeper?

I already got my ass bone in the motherfucker!

How fuckin' deep can I fuckin' go?

You wind up puttin' your leg in the motherfucker

with this, go deeper now with this, go deeper now.

I don't like them beat-up pussies, man.

Pussies look so bad look like they got a black eye.

And the lips on the motherfucker

just hangin' on 'em like this.

Hangin', pussy look exhausted, just... [EXHALES]

Look like when you pull a string out a turtleneck

and the turtleneck drop, and motherfuck just humph.

You start cryin' and shit. Who did this to you?

Who did this to you?

I'm callin' 911, I'm callin' 911.

Yeah, I wanna report an emergency.

Somebody beat it up real bad.

Yeah, real bad.

And where my squirters at?

Love them squirters.

Boy, you don't know if they came or pissed on you.

[LAUGHTER]

All I know is they don't have to go the bathroom afterward.

You prepare for a squirter, you know a squirter comin' over,

you put plastic on your pillows, on your sheets and shit.

Feel like your balls is goin' through a car wash.

[IMITATES VIBRATIONS]

And I found ladies love to get that ass spanked,

they love to get that ass popped,

they just don't like to be surprised with that shit.

You can't just be fuckin' and just hit 'em, pow.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You lost your fuckin' mind? You don't be hittin' on me.

I get their permission.

Miss Lady, I'm gonna spank that ass,

I'm gonna pop that ass.

'Cause I asked nicely, you can pop it, you can spank it.

I let her know, okay, I gotta couple different pops, okay?

Pick a pop and tell me which pop you like to your liking.

Pick a pop and tell me which pop you want to your your liking.

Okay, I got one pop where I, pow, hit you real quick,

give you a little sizzle, a little sting.

Pow, a little sizzle, little sting.

Or I got one where I go shoulder limp, pow, and I'll plow

you into the pillow or plow you into the bed pole, pow.

Or I can hit you with the chair.

You want the chair?

Well, can you sign right here and say

I got permission to hit you with a chair?

'Cause I'm gonna lay your fuckin' ass out.

LA, much love y'all, much love.

If I could send one message to my fans,

it most definitely would be thank you.

It most definitely be thank you for... to them

for, over the years, just all the love and the support.

And I know without them, I would not be here.

Martin!

Really enjoyed it.

I think my favorite joke when he was talkin'

about the White House when he met the President.

When Michelle said, "Marty Mar!"

MARTIN: I'm not savin' the world. [LAUGHS]

But I'm just tryin' to make you laugh.

The three taps on the ass, that's my favorite.

The best was the Ajax.

I have a headache right now.

MARTIN: I love it when I change their whole mindset of,

if they come in the show and they, "Oh, let me see what

this motherfucker got for us tonight," you know?

I love changing that whole attitude and seein' 'em

by time the ending of the night, they're like this,

or they're like, "Oh, he's crazy, he's so crazy."

I love that, it's all worthwhile.

Everything, everything, from beginning to end.

It was funny, everything.

Love you, Marty Mar!

We love you, come to support you.

Personally, from me to you, to y'all,

thank you so, so, so, very much, and I appreciate you.

God bless.

What up, Marty Mar? You still my OG, baby.

I'm glad to see you back out there doin' your thing.

Comedy needed you, we needed you.

I'm glad you still one of my greatest comic heroes.

You, Eddie, Richard, George Carlin, Jackie Gleason.

I tried to see him during a movie I'm doing with him.

I know he recognized me, he invited me to dinner,

but I didn't tell him exactly what time.

I stopped by his trailer complex,

and Larry, who knows me,

we're buddies, he looked right at me,

he sees me all during the day,

sees me at night in the wrong area. He says to me,

"Are you lost?"

"No, I was here to see Mr. Lawrence."

Which is what he likes to be referred to.

Martin Lawrence, let me tell you somethin' man,

you my OG, man.

You put me on the game, man.

And the favorite moment of Martin Lawrence is when you

played, "I said Jerome in the house, I say ah, ah, ah, ah!"

Martin Lawrence is a great actor, he's a great friend,

he's a great comedian, and I think the reason

that he is great is because he's so generous.

He always has room for someone else to be funny.

Oh, I went back, man. Don't do me like that, Marty Mar!

I'm out here to support, man.

It's the legendary Martin Lawrence, man.

You know, I always said to myself as a kid,

"The moment I get a chance to go to a live concert,

I will be doing that," since I was seven, six years old.

So the time has arrived, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm out here in LA, he's back doin' his thing.

One of the greatest, you feel me?

You've always been funny. You've always been a cool dude.

Even though you cheat at basketball, but that's cool.

I still love you, man.

And I can't wait what you gonna do

for the next 25, 30 years, man.

We in your corner. We love you.

Stay funny. Hey, man, and stay my friend.

Yo, Martin, we love you, man.

♪