Original subtitles

_

Moving day. Boy, I'm really gonna miss this house.

Thank you so much, Mom and Dad.

I don't know what we would've done without you. Oh.

- Thanks, Dad. - Oh, well, you would've stayed

in a hotel with the insurance money allocated for that purpose.

Oh, no, this worked out way better.

And to show you our appreciation, I want you to be

on the lookout for a little

- special delivery thank you gift. - Mmm.

Oh, you guys not moving back in's

- all the thanks we need. - (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Very funny, Dad.

It's John.

Right. John. Right.

SOPHIA: Miss you guys.

Bye, Poop-Poop.

Who taught you that?

- Hey. - Hi.

What's in the box?

Uh, the new toilet you ordered.

Oh, I didn't order that.

Oh! That might be a present from my stupid son-in-law.

That makes sense. He's put a lot of miles on our toilet.

- (CHUCKLES) - Well, he must like you.

It's one of those fancy Japanese electric deals.

(LAUGHS)

Ah, that reminds me of a joke.

- Are you Japanese? - I am.

Then never mind.

(JOHN CHUCKLING)

(GASPS)

JOHN: Oh, what, no, don't be afraid.

This is Tomo.

Tomo, this is Joanie.

Joan-nee.

(BELLS CHIME)

Must everything be robotic?

Please, get this out of the house before it drowns us all.

But this was a thank-you gift from Tim and Heather.

It took me five hours to sync up our phones.

You gave this my number?

I don't want a toilet calling me.

Oh, she won't.

Um, but she will warm your butt cheeks.

While she's reading you a book.

Hop on.

She's on the second chapter of Mockingjay.

I will not "hop on".

You know how I feel about peeing on something with a name.

Oh, come on, Joanie. Give Tomo a chance.

Just one little tinkle, that's all I ask.

I tinkle on my terms.

Aw.

I'm sorry, Tomo. She'll come around.

But, in the meantime...

I got a little something special for you.

Hey, you ordered those bobbleheads of our family

as a thank-you gift for my parents, right?

Yeah, I worked really hard on the one for your dad...

I'm sorry, Mr. Short...

But I'm sure he's gonna hate it just like he hates me.

No! I can't hold anymore.

When I buy myself a $2000 Japanese toilet,

you'd think they'd have better customer service.

You spent $2000 on a toilet?

Well, yeah, people spend half their lives on the toilet.

No, babe, that's just you.

Oh. Hey, Da... I mean, John.

Oh. Tim, thank you for my present.

It's taught me so much about myself.

- It came already? Man, that was fast. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, what did you think of the "John?" It looks perfect, right?

Are you kidding? It's more than perfect.

Joanie's a little afraid of it, though.

She thinks it's out to get her.

(LAUGHS) It's that lifelike?

It's like it has a soul.

I felt so elated when I sat on it.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Cool, yeah, well, whatever.

I'm sure Joanie's gonna love it too,

once I convince her to sit on it.

You know, deep down I always knew she was a little freaky.

- (BELLS CHIME) - (GASPS)

Oh.

Oh, no.

(Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" plays)

Is that Vivaldi?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ooh. Mmm.

Hey, I just got off the phone with the delivery company,

and they said my toilet was shipped here.

Duh. I already thanked you for that.

In fact, I just got off a 30 minute wash and wax. Whoo.

Oh, no, John, that toilet wasn't meant f...

JOAN: John. I just tried the super-toilet.

(CHUCKLES) And you were right.

I feel warm

and I feel loved in a way

that nobody's ever loved me.

Wait. B-But Joan, you don't understand.

No, I didn't, but now, I do.

Arigato.

Oh, Joanie, you can't make jokes like that anymore.

You can always stay here,

anytime your house burns down.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Hey, John.

Please.

Call me Dad.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay. Well, Dad, here's the thing, uh...

Mm-hmm?

(SIGHS) You're welcome.

Just use it in good health.

Well, thank you.

Look, uh, a bunch of bobbleheads came today.

Um, did you order these,

or did I piss off another gypsy?

Oh, tho... no, those are creepy, you know.

I don't know what those are, but I'll... you know what?

Just give them to me, I'll throw them in the...

No, it's all right. I'll take them out

to the trash. You...

(BELLS CHIME)

(Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" plays)

God, you're a sexy bitch.

_

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, hey, sweetie. How was school?

Well, my most basic childhood instinct

is urging me to say "fine"

but if I'm being honest,

I had an emotionally rich day.

Wow. I wasn't ready for that.

What happened today?

Well, a bunch of my friends were talking

about how they shaved their legs

and how that changed their lives.

But then Jared Shuman

had a seizure in computer lab

- and ruined $50,000 worth of equipment. - (GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Girls in your class are shaving their legs?

Yup. They said it cut their sleeping bag entry time in half.

I think I'm gonna go start shaving mine, too.

Uh, whoa, hey. Yeah, not in my house, you're not.

Well, what about Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's house?

Pop-Pop has a toilet that plays "Let It Go"

Yeah, nobody's house. Okay?

You're just way too young.

But everyone's gonna make fun of me.

I'm gonna be the hairiest kid in school.

No.That is so not true. What about that sixth grader

with the sideburns that go all the way down?

They connect with his beard.

Chewbacca? The lunch... That's the lunch lady.

Oh.

Come on, Mom.

You are still way too young

to shave your legs.

End of story.

Fine.

HEATHER: That is incredibly sweet that you still bring Tyler

a cup of coffee even after your breakup.

- Well, some couples like to keep things fresh. - Mmm.

We just like to keep them confusing.

- Okay. - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

HEATHER: What's with the jeans under the dress?

Is that some sort of weird gender statement?

Please help me before I say the wrong thing.

I think you've already said the wrong thing.

I'm just trying to avoid the ridicule

of my freshly-shaven peers.

Oh. See you after school,

if I'm not shoved in a locker.

Okay.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Hey, how old were you when you started shaving?

Oh, I'm just naturally hairless from the neck down.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Get out.

- Sophia?! - Over here, Sophia's mom!

Oh, God.

Oh, honey! What happened? Are you hurt?

Do I need to threaten to sue the school again? 'Cause I'll do it.

Beverly here. Team manager.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Yeah, hi. (CHUCKLES)

Looks like we got a classic case of overheating.

The orange slice is on the way.

Okay, good. Well, you know what,

you can't play soccer in your jeans.

- Can I shave my legs then? - No.

Well, then it looks like Beverly and I are gonna be spending

a lot more time together this season.

Yes!

Mm.

- Oh! - (SPUTTERS)

(GRUNTS)

Honey, don't you want to take those off?

Nobody here's gonna judge you, okay?

I think the denim is really weighing you down.

It's just the weight of my leg hair.

Oh, Sophia.

Besides...

(GRUNTS)

this is what Pop-Pop wears to swim.

Right, Pop-Pop?

It's easier than putting on sunscreen.

(KNOCKING) Hey. Can I come in?

Sure.

Oh, those are still fully wet.

Pop-Pop said it's best to let them dry on you,

so that they form a casing. Mm.

Yeah. Okay, listen, sweetie.

As hard as it is for me to watch my little girl become a woman,

it is so much harder for me to watch you suffer.

So... you can shave your legs.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thanks, Mom! - Oh. Mm.

All right, come on, let's go. I'll show you how to do it in the bathtub.

Uh, that's okay. I can do it myself.

Oh, no, no, no. We are gonna go in there and make

some very beautiful mother-daughter memories together, okay?

So, let's get those pants off.

Yeah, I'm cool. Maybe later.

Sophia. Take your pants off.

Let's go. I'm gonna teach you how to shave.

No.

- Take your pants off, Sophia. - No.

- Why won't you take your... - No!

- No, no, no. - I'm your... Yes. I am gonna

teach you how to shave your legs.

- Jeans off. - No, thank you.

- Why won't you take your pants off? - Mother!

Because...

I already shaved.

Oh! With what?! A machete?

No. Dad's back razor.

That's why I've been wearing the jeans.

- It was a bloodbath, Mom. - Ugh.

You're lucky I'm still standing.

And before you get upset, just know that I never want

to shave again, so you win.

Besides, I mean, my hair was pretty blonde to begin with.

Oh. Hmm. Sophia, don't you know that once you start shaving,

your hair comes back darker and thicker?

What?

Yeah. Look at this.

I just shaved at lunch.

No.

Welcome to womanhood, honey.

(THUD)

_

(KNOCKING)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

- Greg. - (HISSING) Don't answer it.

It's that crazy guy Finn,

the guy who tried to kill Old Lady Halperin's dog.

The only thing crazy is you referring to Mrs. Halperin

as "Old Lady Halperin."

What are you, in a Grimms' fable?

Hi!

- Hey! - Hi!

- We have a big announcement! - (WHOOPS)

You're having a baby?

No! We're having a party.

You know I don't like babies, and the fact

that I can't have them fits perfectly into that plan.

- Right. - It's a little get-together

tomorrow afternoon,

and we want you to be there.

Oh! Uh, yeah, no, we can't make it,

because we're, are, um...

we're going to San Diego for the weekend.

Right, Jen?

For, uh, your, uh, lawyer thing?

Right. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

We are. We are going to... Lawyer-Con.

Which is like Comic-Con, except everyone is normal

on the outside and monsters on the inside.

Hmm... (SPUTTERS) We should just cancel our party and go to that.

God, we could Airbnb it. Just take

- the Surfliner down. Yes! - Oh! We could all go together!

Just kidding!

- It sounds genuinely horrible! - Ugh!

- We would never do that! - (CHUCKLING)

God, we're gonna miss you guys

- at the party though, - Yes.

Because when we get there, it's like, oh...

(GRUNTING) And we're doing the... And one of these.

- (WHIRRING SOUNDS) - Yeah, okay, bye!

Greg, what are you doing?

- He was in the middle of talking. - Oh. Was he?

Yes. And when someone's in the middle of talking, you don't just...

Better go lock the back door.

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey... ♪

What? Finn and Dianna got an outdoor bar

and a taco truck?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Greg!

I want to go!

No, no, Jen, get down from there!

If they see us, they're gonna know

that we lied to them!

Ugh. Fine.

So we're trapped.

Yeah. But it'll be all right,

as long as we don't make too much noise.

- (KNOCKING) - JOAN: Greg? Jen?

It's Mom!

Jen? Is Greg okay?

(WHISPERS): It's your parents. We can't let them in.

Well, maybe they're in the bedroom making love.

(CHUCKLES) Wishful thinking, Joanie.

Hey!

Old!

And Older!

I'm gonna have to ask you to step away

from my friends' door.

Oh, we're visiting our son.

Well, I think if he was your son,

then you'd know that he's not in town.

No... I'm telling you, we're visiting our son.

Get away from my neighbors' house!

- We're here! We're here! - Oh!

- We're here! - Oh!

We're home.

I thought you guys were in San Diego.

Oh, yeah, you know what, uh, Lawyer-Con was-was canceled.

- Yeah. - Yeah. A lawyer slipped and fell,

and then everyone started suing everybody.

- It was a whole situation. - Mm.

- So you know these people? - GREG: Yes!

- Yes, I know them. They are my parents. - Yes. Yeah.

- Ah! Oh! - Oh!

Guys, what are you doing here?

Your father wanted to talk to Lark.

He doesn't like the way she says his name.

Hi, Poop-Poop!

She's doing that on purpose.

How would you like it if I called you Clark?

You did, for the first year of her life.

Poop-Poop has feelings, you know.

FINN: I'm so glad you came home.

I wanted to apologize.

I am so sorry that I locked you in the trunk of my car.

Well, I-I wasn't in your trunk.

I was with you when you yelled

at the old lady with the barking dog.

- Right. Dog guy. - (CHUCKLES)

- You're not trunk guy. - Yeah. You look like...

I am so sorry about that.

Okay? I was dealing with a lot of social anxiety.

- And I took some drugs that... - Yeah.

- Put an edge on me. - Mm-hmm.

DIANNA: But he went to rehab.

- He made a new friend. - Mm-hmm.

They got really close.

But I'm told it didn't go further

than friendship, so...

Well, that's good. For both of you.

- Yeah, it's a crazy nine days, you know? - Yeah.

(DIANNA SIGHS)

So, clean start?

Yeah. Sure, man.

What a relief! Yes!

Because at rehab, they say I got to be spending more time

around good, honest people like you, Greg.

And I don't think it's an accident

that Lawyer-Con got canceled and this happened.

You know, the... the thing is, uh...

The truth, Finn, is that, uh, Lawyer-Con wasn't cancelled

because there's no such thing as-as Lawyer-Con.

- It doesn't exist. We... - Yup.

We just made it up

because we felt weird

- about going to your party, so... sorry. - Yeah.

You lied to me?

Uh...

I mean, I got angry and yelled at an old lady

'cause I smoked a little crack. I didn't lie to you.

Sorry. What? You smoked what, now?

- I smoked some crack. - Okay.

- And that can explain my behavior. - Uh-huh.

Greg, are you smoking crack right now?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, no,

- but I-I do take an allergy medication. - Mm-hmm.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, I'm burning up right now. I don't know how to calm down.

Okay. Yeah, okay, let's go. Yeah.

- (EXHALES DEEPLY) - Pretend they're not here.

Congrats on your sobriety.

_

Are you really sure

that a holistic fertility consultant is necessary?

Well, I thought we said we were gonna commit

to doing whatever it takes to get pregnant.

Yeah! I just... I thought that meant having a lot of sex.

Well, me, too, but we need more help,

and we are running out of affordable options.

IVF can take up to $20,000.

Do you have that?

I mean, yesterday, you tipped the barista with a button.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Okay, there he is.

Let's just keep an open mind and see what he has to say.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hi!

Hey.

- You must be Matt, and you, Colleen. - Mm-hmm.

Come in, come in, come in.

Now, in order to get Matt's seedlings

to grow into a mighty oak, it's important

you get yourself into a position for success.

Have you been coming in through the back door?

- Excuse me? - What? I know it's weird,

but I truly believe in the powers of feng shui.

- (WHISPERING): Feng shui. - Shv-Shwing...

- It's feng shui. Feng shui. - Feng shui.

Yes, that's the one. Mm-hmm, yeah.

So if you're not entering your house

through the front door, you should.

Where did you find this guy?

Jen said that he was "the best."

But she's very sarcastic. I can never tell with her.

What you eat is essential for your fertility.

Might be looking after your bodies more than

you're looking after this fridge.

Is this how you treat your swimmers?

Oh! That's not a specimen.

No, no, no. No, that's coleslaw.

I... Uh, look, uh, it could be confusing

because it's in a specimen cup, but it-it's coleslaw.

You seem nervous.

Part of your charm, I suppose?

Are you, uh, hydrating?

- Mm-hmm. - You keeping off the alcohol?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Off the caffeine?

Can't you tell? I'm, like, barely alive.

(GROANS, CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

Matt, you're supposed to tell me I look pretty.

- You're so pretty. - (LAUGHS)

That's embarrassing. Don't. Not in front of a guest.

While you drink the fertility teas...

- Yeah. (COUGHS) - I will prepare the

homemade conception chimes.

Now, we need to get rid of all the bad energy.

You'll feel the energy. The aura will pass through the chimes.

And then, how do we get the bad energy out?

I suck it out. I need a very tight seal, actually,

so our mouths will really connect.

Who wants to go first?

Well, I would say "not me," but I know that that means

that you're going to kiss my wife.

It's not a kiss. It's a suck.

- Mm. - So I guess... I'll suck your wife?

(GIGGLING)

- No. No. We were... - (CLEARS THROAT)

We were saying that we will do whatever it takes.

So...

Yeah, no, I know, and I-I really, really want this, but...

Do you really want it?!

You really want a baby very badly?

- Yeah, well, yeah. - Very. Very badly.

Well, then why do I have this?

- A little tiny car? - That is, yes. It's the wrong pocket.

This is for my son, who I'm hoping to meet today.

Why do I have this?!

Pain relievers from your medicine cabinet!

Guys, you can't be on medication of any kind!

Did you go through our medicine cabinet?

Yes! A little bit.

Any other skeletons in your medicine... closet?

- No. Nope. - Clean as a whistle. Mm-hmm.

Wonderful! Then you're both on your way

to becoming great parents.

Yay.

Speaking of which, what do 22-year-old boys like?

I'm just worried the car won't be enough.

- Oh, yeah, no, that's not gonna be enough. - It's not.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm just gonna cancel again.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Thank you so much for seeing me, Joan.

I lied to Matt.

No. Dear, I have patients.

In two hours, I'll be completely free.

Oh, good. I'll be done by then.

So, we're trying to get pregnant, and that means

going off all of our meds.

But I haven't gone off my mood stabilizers,

and Matt doesn't know that.

Does your doctor know?

Oh, no. No, I don't need to go see a doctor.

My mom sends me all of my pills from Mexico.

Have I ever told you about my mom?

- Oh... - No. Um, dear, if you stay here,

you're going to have couple's therapy

with a complete stranger.

Oh, that's okay. I love strangers.

Okay, so here's the deal: Colleen doesn't know that

I've been taking finasteride for hair loss.

Now I really want to have a kid, but I love my hair,

and I don't want to look like some bald loser.

Oh, none taken.

Could finasteride really be hurting

our chances of getting pregnant?

Honestly, going off it might just be

the kick in the balls your balls need.

All right, I got to get into surgery.

- All righty. Thanks, Tim. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- I already scrubbed up. - Can't be too careful.

- All right, see you, brother. - All right.

Colleen?

I have something to tell you.

- Okay. - Um, I lied to you. I'm so sorry.

I have secretly been taking hair loss medication.

Okay. So is that why when we go to the pharmacy,

- you tell me to wait in the car? - Oh, no.

That's because you like to try to play with all the canes.

No, no, no, no. I get the pills in the mail.

Oh. Okay, well, then Matt,

I have something that I need to tell you.

Okay.

I have been on mood stabilizers since we started dating.

So you're saying that I'm the reason you take them?

Oh, no! No, no, no, lots of different reasons.

But the main one is just because

when I'm not on them,

I am one moody bitch.

- Honey, I am so okay with that. - (KNIVES SCRAPING)

Okay.

I mean, how moody could we even be talking?

- Why does that even matter? - It doesn't.

It doesn't even matter a little bit.

I'm just really worried that

you're not gonna love me off my meds.

Oh, Colleen,

I will always love you, no matter what.

(GASPS)

You are so good to me. Oh.

(COLLEEN LAUGHS)

- Mmm. - Is that another woman I smell on you?

- No, honey, you're smelling yourself. - You're so smart.

- (LAUGHS) - I can't believe you lied to me.

- So sorry. - But I love you so much,

and I want you to be the father

- of my baby. - Great. So...

how long have you been off the meds?

Oh. I'm going off of 'em tonight.

Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -