Original subtitles

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Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot!

Oh-ho! Rock beats scissors. I win.

These aren't scissors, it's how many months rent you owe me.

I was hoping it was you.

That's not how this works.

This is my boyfriend, who called because he missed me.

Yes, that is totally the reason why I called,

but also this.

Is there anything you can do about that?

I'm sorry, I can't help.

Jackpot's official position is, "You do you. We've seen worse."

Well, if this is what I have to put up with to see you

for the next three days, it's worth it.

- It's probably worth it. - It is.

I'm so excited. This is your first time

staying in L.A. with me.

You finally get to see me in my element, outside of work.

And once I peel off these sanitary gloves,

it's all fun all the time.

You're not wearing gloves.

Oh, my God. I-I touched the bathroom door.

Can you believe this guy?

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

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Ah, thanks again for letting Bryan stay this week, Bernard.

And, don't worry, we're barely going to be home.

I have a jam-packed few days planned. Look.

I have a list.

"Paddleboarding"? "Hiking to the Hollywood sign"?

"Yoga at Griffith Park"?

You don't do any of these things.

No, but they're things I want to do.

Okay, fine. They're things I want to want to do.

Look, this week is a big relationship test for me.

Bryan is going to see my real life outside of this plane.

I don't want to give off any red flags

that might make him second-guess our whole relationship.

Yes, like when I first saw Tristane

wearing flip-flops to dinner. Slide away, child...

I'm just trying to put my best foot forward.

Honey, I get it, but this ain't your foot.

A linguine tour? That's not you. I mean, look,

this whole list is written on an old Taco Bell receipt.

A 10:00 a.m. Taco Bell receipt.

They serve breakfast now, Bernard.

You had three burritos and a cup of cheese.

Breakfast cheese.

Hey there, passengers.

As we approach L.A.,

a little reminder... Next time you're in Calabasas,

stop by Calabasics,

the destination for premium business-casual ponchos.

Half blanket and half shirt.

They're the beautiful biracial baby of women's fashion.

Check out a sample on our model in the aisle.

How'd you like the plug for your store, babe?

Loved it. Next time, could you mention our new

Frances McDormand signature collection of shapeless apparel

for middle school art teachers?

Anything for you. I'll call you when I land.

Hey! Can I keep this?

It hides all my problem areas.

Yeah. Patricia has a such an eye for sensible coverwear.

- Hmm. - God, she's amazing.

Alan, can I tell you a secret?

Do not blow this, Alan.

Yes.

I think Patricia might be the one.

- But I thought the sky... - Is my first love? She was.

But let's face it, Alan, that's just stuff losers say

when they're not getting laid.

Ooh, I've heard that's a good book.

Ask me, did I ever read Joan Didion?

Okay. Have you ever read Joan Didion?

Ask me did I ever read Joan Didion?

Did you ever read Joan Didion?

No, I Didion't.

Hi, I'm Colin... and of course I did.

Colin, what's up?

That's the third woman I've seen you talk at today.

- You can't blitz on every down, man. - I know.

I'm just... I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more.

You know, I haven't met anybody in ages,

and I can't keep holding out for Ronnie.

Smart move. And I'd lock down somebody quickly.

British men age like that Hemingway quote...

"slowly, then all at once."

Ooh! Ask me, did I ever read Hemingway?

Do you want to die alone?

I think he's gonna... Oh, Bernard!

I was thinking, and you were right.

I want to show Bryan the best version of me,

but none of the things I planned were actually me,

so I talked to Nichole, and she knew exactly what I needed.

- A new bra. - Finally!

- Right? - No! The other thing.

- A dinner party! - Oh.

At my house? No, thank you.

Bernard, I need to do something where I can be relaxed

and confident, and I cannot spend the next few days

pretending I like going to those art zoos.

Museums.

It'll be small and tasteful.

I promise. Just a few friends that I want Bryan to meet.

All right, I will allow this party.

You may invite your gaggle of Kelseys and Callies

and other girls whose names pumpkin when they turn 30.

Yay! We're gonna have a dinner.

You still need a new bra, though.

This dinner party sounds great. What time you need me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dave, I'm trying to keep this separate from work.

Come on, Ronnie. Tonight was gonna be the night

I ask Patricia to be exclusive.

I want it to be special and in front of people required

to applaud because I'm their boss.

Okay. Dave, you're invited, but please do not do that thing

where you wear too much cologne.

It's not too much. It's too many.

I layer musk, citrus,

sandalwood, musk, musk.

Hey, Nichole. I waited all week.

Why have you still not responded to my e-mail?

I didn't get an e-mail from you. What did you send me?

A screenplay!

Turns out some of my juices are creative.

- I've written a movie. - Mm-hmm.

And, as a friend, I would like you to read it.

I would be honored. Send it to me again.

Do you have my right e-mail?

Nichole@email.stripper.

No. That's not my or... anyone's e-mail.

Email.stripper@Nichole.

That's even further.

I can't wait for you to meet my friends!

Callie works at this fancy Italian market...

...so you can talk about how everyone mispronounces

"mozzarella" or whatever.

It's actually "moo-tza-rell."

Can you just give me one minute?

Yeah, I got to wash the Jackpot off my hands anyway.

Nichole! Kelsey and Callie just texted me.

They're not coming. They both came down

with a case of greyscale.

That's a rare disease from a fake world.

What a terrible lie.

To be fair, it's the same lie I used

to get out of both their baby showers, but what am I gonna do?

They were my most interesting friends.

I needed them for cultured conversation.

Bernard, will you talk to Bryan about cheese?

I will scream at Bryan about cheese!

Wait, I have an idea. Colin? What are you doing tonight?

Funny you should ask. Some online pals and I plan

to debate who's the best Doctor from Doctor Who...

Instead, you should come to Ronnie's dinner party

and talk about literally anything else.

Oh, a dinner party. The modern-day salon,

as it were... A meeting of minds and mouths.

- Never mind. - No, no, please let me come.

I'd like to come.

Did I hear something about a party of dinners?

I assume I am invited,

because you can't spell "party" without "Arty."

Oh, I don't know, Artem. I'm not sure it's your scene.

Yeah, right. I only swam across two oceans to get to America,

so, yeah, I guess I'm not a very interesting dinner guest.

Okay, fine! You can come tonight, Artem.

- Did you say Artem or Alan? - Artem.

Okay, because it sounded like you might have said

- Artem or Alan. - It was Artem.

'Cause there's a lot of similarities

between Artem and Alan...

You know damn well she said Artem!

Okay, it's fine. You can come tonight.

- Yes! - You can all come.

Just figure out what you're gonna bring.

Well, we have our guest list.

- What are you doing? - Calling pharmacies

to see if they sell Purell by the keg.

I have to admit I'm impressed.

You have hors d'oeuvres, tasteful napkins,

and you showered and didn't just dump baby powder on your roots.

You see that, Bernard? I'm a regular Barefoot Contestant.

Uh, will you excuse me?

You-You don't have to drink Artem's wine.

- I've got fancy stuff. - No, it's okay.

It's Diane Keaton's new wine.

Look, there's a cute little turtleneck.

Hey, did you ever see Something's Gotta Give?

It's a wonderful movie about Diane Keaton's kitchen greed.

No, no, no. That's It's Complicated.

Something's Gotta Give is where she dates

her daughter's ex-boyfriend.

Oh, that is complicated.

No, no. It...

You know what? Just pour me some more wine.

- All the way to the top. - Good.

Hey! Welcome to my...

Bernard's apartment!

Oh, what a smashing flat!

Good show, Bernard.

What is that? Why are you playing up the British thing?

There it is. You brought a date.

Well, I wasn't planning on it, but, uh, then Talia and I had

a cinema-quality meet-cute, and, uh, here we are.

- Ah, where'd you meet? - Just on an app.

Mmm, Tinder? Bumble?

Uber. I drove him here.

Mint?

Thank you for your vote, Councilman.

As the Deputy Mayor, I'm taking the lead on this,

and I don't forget my friends.

- Sorry about that. - Ah...

We have a big vote tomorrow about whether to start

watering the Calabasas medians with potable water.

Some people just love drinking from sprinklers.

Not me. I think all water's gross.

So, I've been meaning to ask.

We might meet some new people tonight, and I wasn't sure...

You can call me your girlfriend, Dave.

Yes! I guess that makes tonight our coming out party.

Let's show Bernard how it's really done.

Oh, I'm vibrating.

- Can you hold this one second? - Uh, yeah.

Hey, you think tonight we could just put our phones away

and... focus on us?

Absolutely, Dave. Tonight, I am all yours.

Nichole! Do not keep me in suspense.

- Have you read the script? - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh... Hey, wait!

Can you tell me what was your favorite part?

- Well... - Oh, yes, the well.

Oh, that is a good scene,

and I know just the well to shoot it in.

What else did you like?

Artem, I have to be honest, I didn't like any of it.

After I read it, I actually deleted it off my phone

and then switched carriers so it couldn't find me.

You read it on your phone? Oh, that's the problem.

And it's not meant for the little screen.

You must read it on the big screen.

The screen wasn't the problem, Artem.

It didn't make any sense.

But it's based on my life.

There were werewolves in it.

Yeah, that was embellishment.

In real life it was just dog men.

Ah, I'm sorry Artem. I need to steal her.

- Yeah... - Thank God!

Um... Dave is here with your mom.

Does she still think we're dating,

because I have guests to entertain, dinner to prepare.

I can't be a fake lesbian on top of all that.

Don't worry, I told her we broke up a while ago.

Oh! Good.

I said your drinking was out of hand

and that you were a selfish lover.

Well, maybe the drinking just makes me tired.

Ronnie.

Not judging, but when does the dinner part

of this dinner party start?

We're out of hors d'oeuvres.

Artem ate all the blankets off the pigs.

Now I'm full, and you are cold.

We can eat now. I just have to heat up dinner.

It'll take five minutes. I got Blue Apron.

To be clear, do you think there's a fully cooked dinner

in that Blue Apron box?

Yes. It's a gourmet meal delivery service, Bernard.

Wait. Before you open that, let me grab my wine.

Okay.

Proceed.

- What the hell is this?! - Yes, this pairs very well.

You have to cook?! No!

I thought this came already prepared.

Why the hell would I pay to cook my own dinner?

I don't have time for this.

You are sleeping with a chef.

No. I can't ask him to help.

This-this whole thing was to prove that I am responsible

and sophisticated and...

I'm fine.

You go stall and entertain Bryan,

while I put all this together.

Stall? Ronnie, I don't stall.

When I entertain it's an event, a sacrament, an occasion.

At worst, a moment.

Hey, Alan, can you give us a sec?

Patty and I are gonna take our first

official relationship selfie.

- It's our social media debut. - Oh.

Aw.

Hold on. Let me fix my hair.

As a public figure, I have to look appropriate

and hide my hands so no one Photoshops a penis into them.

Ugh. Disgusting. We can shoot a car into space,

but we can't think of a better place to Photoshop a penis?

Oh, sweetie. Come here. Get in this picture.

- She's a big hit with the base. - Oh.

- Here we go. - Yeah, sure.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, Bernard! Come here, come here.

He checks off a lot of boxes.

- What the hell am I doing here? - Just smile for the camera.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

I-It's hard to get all four of us to fit.

Just... this way a little bit.

Perfect.

Nice.

- Your skin is incredible. - I like the...

Oh, my God! What happened to the dinner?

The recipe was gonna take too long,

and I don't know what to do with a game hen.

So I'm just doing what we do in Bakersfield

and turning a bunch of things into a casserole.

Ronnie, that looks like something already ate it.

I know. That's why I need your help.

Grab some of that food. Try to make it look like a salad.

Avocado, honey, oatmeal... Where'd you get all this from?

- I raided your beauty drawer. - My quail eggs.

I also raided your earthquake kit.

My preserved quail eggs!

Sorry, Bernard. Don't be mad.

Well, now I can't get mad.

I don't have anything to smooth the lines.

Hey. Bryan, tell Nichole what you just told me.

Please don't come into the bathroom while I'm using it.

No, after that.

You see, I told him the idea

of my movie and he said...

Sounds interesting. Please get out.

Interesting, like the movie Get Out.

Artem, I didn't like it.

I thought friends were supposed to be honest.

Friends are supposed to focus on the positives.

Like when I tell Bryan, "Oh, that's a nice shirt,"

but never ask, "Why stupid bracelet?"

Come on.

I was just trying to pee.

Hey, Patricia.

So we never actually got to take that picture before,

if you want to take it now.

No big deal.

Full disclosure, I want to. It's a big deal.

Oh.

You're right. Let's do it. Let's take it. Right now.

Um... Oh, my God. We lost two more votes.

My non-potable bill's not gonna pass.

I'm sorry. I have to deal with this.

I'll take a picture with you, Dave.

Shut up, Alan.

All right, two regular, one silly.

Okay, and this is my children's book Fish and Chips.

Oh.

It's two cops, Carl Fish and Wesley Chips.

That's so cute.

Are you happy with the temperature?

I can make it warmer.

I'm good.

Now here they are uncovering a cache of stolen art.

The twist is, you see, that Chips is the fish.

Oh, your battery's almost dead.

Here, I have a charger.

Oh.

Hey, Colin.

I don't want to be a bummer, but I've been watching your date.

Are you sure you're her date, and not still her passenger?

Yeah, of course it's a date.

What, do you see any entry-level hybrids around here?

Okay. But I'd check the app if I were you,

because she's being tip-conscious level nice,

and you're cute, but not "pick up an Uber driver" cute.

Thank you for the ego-bruising concern, but I've...

Tiny water?

Okay, Bernard, what do you think?

It needs more eye cream.

Ronnie, we need to talk.

Oh, don't worry, Dave. Dinner will be ready any minute.

No, I came to say we have to delay dinner.

Patricia is still on the phone. Tonight has been a bust.

You seem like you're really stressed.

Why don't you put all that stuff down

- and focus on me? - Ronnie, quick question.

I'm trying to log on to my Uber account for, um,

nothing, but I can't seem to get a Wi-Fi signal.

Yeah. Bernard doesn't allow any type of waves in the apartment.

He says it's bad for aging.

Well, now we're eating the last line of my defense,

so just put the cell tower right on my face.

Okay, if you're not in the kitchen helping,

- could you please leave? - Ronnie! You have me sitting

next to Nichole, so I need to switch seats.

What is the problem now?

She doesn't respect me

as a friend nor as an artist.

- Oh, so you're an artist now. - Yes.

You can't spell "artist" without "Arty."

Fine. If you want to be a baby about this,

then I don't want to sit next to you, either.

Colin, will you switch seats with me?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I have a window seat.

I don't like the middle.

Hey, Dave, why don't you deal with this?

I'm sorry, everyone. I know you're all hungry

and want to get on our food, but there's been a minor delay.

We're still waiting on Patricia to come in from the hall.

Once she's arrived at her seat,

we'll have this dinner up and running.

- No. There will be no delay. - Um, Ronnie.

Oh, Dame Judi Dench!

Oh, no! Why didn't the smoke detector go off?

Oh, I tampered with and/or disabled it

- so I could smoke a J. - Alan, weed? Really?

The deputy mayor of Calabasas is out there, man.

- Is everything all right? - Oh, I-it's fine.

I have everything under control.

Is the smoke bothering you? Should I open a window?

Ronnie, I really need that Wi-Fi.

Oh, everybody get out or we are cancelling this flight!

Flight?

Oh, my God. That's what this is.

Bernard and I serving you while dealing with your problems.

Trying to manage Dave, getting complaints about Wi-Fi.

Yeah, for normal reasons. A sports game.

I wanted to throw this dinner party

to show Bryan my life,

and I guess this is it.

It's one never-ending flight.

Well, I have to put up with that at 30,000 feet,

but I don't have to do it here, and I can finally do something

that I have always wanted and just leave.

Ha! She thinks that was a dramatic exit.

This is a dramatic exit.

Bernie does it again.

Hey. Can I hide in here with you?

Artem's trying to lighten the mood

by acting out scenes from his movie.

It's an action musical, in case you were wondering.

Still not sure what language it's in.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I wanted to show you this other side of me,

but I've realized I'm out of sides.

Right now, you get the choice between two Ronnies:

the Ronnie who spends 60 hours a week in the sky

fixing other people's problems,

or the Ronnie so exhausted from doing that,

she can't even finish this heartfelt whatever.

Well, let me finish this heartfelt whatever.

Those are the only two Ronnies I need.

Oh, good, because we both like you, too.

Also, I was hoping to get the recipe for that casserole

to serve at my restaurant.

- Really? - No.

No.

Oh, I thought you would laugh at that.

But seriously, we need to figure out

what else to feed all these people.

Dinner tonight

will have an international flair.

Special thanks to Bernard for allowing this many carbs

and saturated fats into his home.

Yes, I've always enjoyed eating foods

that are given out for free if a team makes free throws.

Well, I think it's great.

And don't worry, I'll handle beverage service.

Oh.

I have to use the restroom.

Is there a specific way you want me to go?

Oh, for...

Yeah, I'm just curious.

Have you ever been waterboarded with non-potable water?

Welcome to my childhood.

- How did you manage it? - You can't play games.

If you want to get anywhere with my mom,

you have to be focused, direct and honest.

Doesn't she still think you're a lesbian?

Don't be a dick, Dave.

Hey, Artem.

So, I'm really sorry about before.

Oh, Nichole, I'm sorry. I-I know, I overreacted.

I asked you for your honest opinion

and thank you for giving it to me.

Thank you for letting me read it.

It takes guts to show your art to somebody.

Which, actually, you inspired me to show you something creative

I've been working on.

Uh, they're sketches

from when I was interested in fashion.

I've been playing with dress designs. What do you think?

Uh, you want my honest opinion

or supportive friend opinion?

- The second one. - I love them.

What is it?

Okay, look. Do you want me in the front or the back?

That's not a euphemism.

It's just, if I sit in the front, this was a date.

If I sit in the back, it was just a really long ride.

No, of course it was a date.

I stopped charging you as soon as you asked me in.

Fantastic!

So do you want to go back to your place?

Okay, just to be clear, are you asking as an Uber or...

I'm asking as a woman who'd like to take your clothes off.

In that case, I will take a mint.

So, you make dinner for people every night.

Not even people... strangers. That's your job.

Worse than my job, it's my passion.

Seems terrible. I think my dinner party days are over.

Well, maybe you'll have better luck with them at our apartment.

What?

I've been thinking...

I want you to move to Las Vegas and live with me.

Ronnie, I'm stepping out.

But if the doorbell rings, please answer it.

It's my interior designer Le Marque Bougelet.

He'll be burning everything.

Thank you.

Good news. Got the votes.

Ah, those hose water junkies

are gonna have to pay for their water, like nature intended.

Honestly, Patty, I don't care how portable your water is,

all I wanted was one picture with you,

and you couldn't even give me that.

I thought tonight was about us taking a step forward

in our relationship.

Look, my job comes first.

Of all people, I thought you'd understand.

You and the sky.

I'm ready to put the sky aside for you.

And I thought you would do the same for me.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

I mean, I like the way my life is right now

and how you fit in it.

I don't want to waste my time being a co-pilot in your life.

I don't think this is gonna work.

Good-bye, Patricia.

That was fast.

Hey, Dave, she missed out on a lot of fares tonight, so, um...

Who cares? Take me to the nearest high school.

I'm gonna lie on the 50-yard line

and talk about where it all went wrong.

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