All language subtitles for Joven y Alocada (2012)-eng(1)

GOZPEL 1:1 FACEDOWN
AT 15 BY YOUNG & WILD

MOTHER CALLING

It's the usual problem of limits.

When was the first time
you got yourself off?

The first successful
autoerotic stimulation

that put an end to frustrated fingering.

An attempt at meaningful finger-play.

At age ten, after
getting home from school,

I would think about a classmate
who annoyed the fuck out of me:

Cristi�n. Asshole.

He'd chase me around the school
telling me, "You're hot. "

And I'd throw rocks at him.

He'd buy me candy bars,

and I'd throw rocks at him.

He'd try to be nice to me;

I'd throw a rock.

But once I got home,

I'd try to get my rocks off

instead of throwing them at him.

Try to, because I had no idea
what to do with my fiery twat.

Temporal ellipsis to age 15.

From 10 to 14, a series
of flimsy fingers.

I even tried shoving a
flashlight up there once-

a little red one.

Just like that.

At age 15,

facedown with a finger and
rubbing up against the bed.

I couldn't believe it.

It was as easy as
rubbing up against a bed.

At 16, the Cheese-Dick Man.

No fingers that year.

Virginity is lost in stages,

and it's got to be hard
to lose it all at once.

C told me that after
getting fucked up the ass,

diarrhea all day long.

She said, "The most painful
experience after childbirth. "

I say, "Whatever. "

With a lot of booze and
beer in me, it ain't bad.

I don't know how I ended
up ass up on the mattress.

I told him, "Dude, wrong hole. "

Wrong hole.

But he put it in anyway.

So I said it again, "Wrong hole. "

Wrong hole.

You're expected to put
up some kind of struggle,

and I do what is expected of me.

Fuck it.

He stuck it up my ass for a while.

Neither good nor bad, just nothing...

like most of my losses.

Did I feel like taking a shit?

Yes.

But the suppositories from
when I was a kid hurt more.

It wasn't a total loss.

He didn't cum in my ass.

I'm still waiting for the right guy.

I'm an orthodox, and I
lose what people often lose.

A trinity of losses,
feminine and heterosexual:

pussy, giving head, up the ass.

There are several types
of people in the world.

There are those who
don't believe in God.

Those who don't believe
are increasing every day

due to the fact we've had two
agnostic, atheist presidents

who don't believe in God.

The world of an agnostic is a world

that begins and ends in his own mind.

He's the top authority in his life,

the captain of his own soul.

He is his own God!

"I don't believe in God.

"There's no superior being.

Therefore, I command myself. "

This is why he lives a
life of relative values,

relative to his person.

But God, my dear brothers and sisters...

Hey.

Is not relative.

He does not accept relativity.

God is living fire!

Amen!

God doesn't want lukewarm hearts.

Repeat with me:

I don't want to have a lukewarm heart.

I don't want to have a lukewarm heart.

God wants his fire

to penetrate each one of your hearts.

He is calling you.

Amen!

Listen to me well:

He is calling you!

Oh, yeah, and I'm the Evangelical one.

I'm from the sect of rich Evangeloons,

who are worse than the others,

'cause on top of everything else,

they think they're the shit
because they've got money.

I'm studying for my
college placement test.

It is thus inferred that I'm really busy

and I have no time to write this blog.

With fire!

Today

I shall rise

Get up.

And I will smile

Being with you

Raise your hands, you fool.

You

Teach me to believe

Fool, fool, fool.

But I still write.

That's why I pray to Jesus:

Please make my mother never
type youngandwild. blogspot. com.

Make it so, please,

so that she never ever has.

YOUNG & WILD BY MARIALY RIVAS

Hey, I was hard-core Catholic,
virgin till marriage and stuff,

until I met a big ol'
dick, and that was that.

Hey, Danilca!

Do you remember that song that said

Satan is like a lion?

Remember we had to roar?

PS. I also pray to Jesus

that your parents won't find your blog.

I ask him all day, all
night, all afternoon,

all day, all night, all afternoon,

all morning, nonstop.

I want to be your mommy
and for you to be the daddy.

Barbage, the tigress of the west.

You know how sometimes
when you're going at it

and the guy's dick slides out

and makes its way into the back door?

Hey, this is filthy.

My mommy told me that hope
is the last thing you lose,

so I'll leave you my MSN:

palitroke@gmail. com.

And I'd leave you my cell phone number,

my ID number, and my home phone number,

but my mommy also told me

that there are a lot of bad people

out there in the world.

I'm not leaving my MSN,

but you can leave yours on my blog.

Ha.

Are they here?

Yes. Come down.

They're here. Come down.

But, Mom, I have to study.

Let's go.

GOZPEL 1:2 IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED
ALL MY HARDSHIPS (MOTHER AND FATHER)

One minute.

Simón, I got this for you.

It's Tim LaHaye's latest book.

No!

How wonderful.

Thank you very much, Rai.

Thank you.

For these 15 years of ministry.

Thank you.

Could you read a bit to us?

- No, no.
- Yes.

No, you're the head of-

No, we're in your house. You read it.

Read it, come on.

"The term 'rapture is
an expression that comes

"from the Greek word 'rapio,
' which means disappearance.

"Shortly before the end of the world,

Christ shall return in the air
and shall take with him... "

Father believes in Rapture.

Mother believes in Rapture.

Uncle believes in Rapture.

They believe that Jesus
was telling the truth

when he said, "I'll be back soon. "

And I want to not believe
because believing frightens me.

It won't be long before
the Lord's Second Coming.

It's all Uncle's fault.

I think that our generation

shall see Christ come to
take his Church with him.

I believe, Simón,

that all the signals have been given.

My pastor uncle comes over one night.

He sits at our dining room table,

says something I don't understand,

and points to the backyard.

In the dark backyard, there's a grotto.

In the grotto, a Virgin.

He picks up an axe,

walks over to the Virgin,
white and made of plaster...

And swings at it.

"Thou shalt not praise
other images before me,"

says the pastor uncle that God says.

Postscript.

(Is that how you write "postscript"?)

I remember an axe,

but it probably was just
a crappy-ass bread knife.

But, hey, is the Virgin Satanic?

I still have a question.

Is the person writing
this blog a man or a woman?

She's a young lady. I can vouch.

Good blog.

Free Young!

Barbage, the tigress of the west.

I know you're hot. I know you're hot.

I don't care about the
Virgin or the fucking grotto.

I know you're hot.

She's not hot.

I know someone who knows her.

Bitch.

GOZPEL 1:3 WE ARE THE LIGHT
OF THE WORLD BY YOUNG & WILD

Morning, sir.

I need to talk to Daniela.

Daniela?

Could you come with me?

Now?

Do you know what a
classmate of yours told me?

That you've had sex.

Sex before marriage.

You tempted a young boy-

not only in age but also in faith.

What a shame to look at you.

What sadness, Daniela.

What dishonor to your
parents, who love the Lord,

to have a daughter like you,

don't you think?

You can't carry on soiling
the sanctity of this school.

But there's less than a month left

for the college placement test.

It's over, Daniela.

You can't come back to this school.

We won't tolerate you any longer.

I got kicked out of school.

May her health be to your glory.

Let's go to the hospital.

Her fever is too high.

Hallelujah Lord.

Glorify yourself in her.

Lord, give us your peace in
order to accept your will.

In the name of Jesus,
Lord, we bless you.

Careful, careful.

Lord, give us your peace
to accept your will.

In the name of Jesus.

Lord, we bless you.

You're not going out for a year.

You won't see anyone either.

Not even Pía.

You're not even going out
to the corner to buy bread.

No internet either.

And tomorrow, I'm signing you up

for We Are the Light of the World.

You hear me?

Oh, shit.

We Are the Light of the World? Shit.

A ship that sails out of Ecuador

and stops at a million ugly cities,

the kind where Evangelicals
are eaten alive,

where they throw stones at Evangelicals,

and the Evangelics'
eyes are shiny and bright

with missionary emotion, with martyrdom.

But, Mom,

I'm almost 18.

You can't do that to me.

Shut up.

Hey.

I'm not dead yet.

Danielita?

Could you ask your father
to call the pastor, hmm?

I don't think that it's a good idea.

And I'm not only saying it for her.

I'm also saying it for you.

Do you want her to get
closer to the Lord or not?

She's not going to do it like this.

Why don't you try to
get her to finish school?

No.

I don't want her to go on that trip.

GOZPEL 1:4 LAKE OF FIRE BY YOUNG & WILD

Where milk and honey flow...

They walk and walk and walk,
and they never get there.

Poor, poor Moses,

because when they're about to arrive,

all of them feeling very thirsty,

God tells him...

Mother, they could have
kicked me out of school

for setting a classroom on fire,

for poisoning a classmate,

for killing a teacher,

and you would have cared less
than expulsion for fornication.

Because your main commandment
is not "thou shalt not kill"

or "thou shalt love
thy neighbor as thyself"

or blah, blah, blah;

your main commandment is
"thou shalt not fornicate. "

And I, fornicator,

I am sent to the Evangeloon TV Station

where no one fornicates.

A life of partying...

I went out at night,

and I would look at
myself in the mirror,

and each time I went out,

I would look at myself in the mirror.

And I would say to myself-

I would say, "Yes, I'm pretty. "

But I felt that I was missing something.

I wasn't happy.

And that something...

was Jesus Christ.

How did you meet the Lord, ma'am?

It was really crazy.

I was walking down
Providencia. I love Providencia.

And suddenly, I sat down.

I collapsed on one of the
benches in Providencia,

and I said, "I can't take it anymore. "

And a man tells me-

he approaches me and
touches my shoulder-

"God loves you. "

That simple.

And I was frozen.

And I said, "God loves me!"

A person he hasn't seen,
that he doesn't know.

God loves me.

But, Mother, you may punish me,

but I can do whatever I want

in the name of my dirty poonani.

I can do anything in the
name of the man of God

who I can't stop looking at.

Mother, I'm going to write you a poem

that rhymes and everything.

I'll take what's in store.
Your punishment I'll endure.

As for this man of
God, I'll be his whore.

Hello.

Let's go.

Were those your work colleagues?

Do you work with them?

No, I'm the gofer.

You were there all day, I suppose.

Look, I'm asking just
one thing from you.

Don't do anything at the TV station
that could embarrass me, okay?

Oh, Mom.

What did you have to do?

Coding.

Coding. That's nice.

What is it?

Something boring.

What are you thinking about?

Of what I would answer when you asked

what was I thinking about.

Well, I try to talk to you. I try.

And you: nothing.

Quiet. Always quiet.

Don't you want us to get closer?

I don't know.

The mechanism was as follows:

I would leave, hidden among my panties,

the love letters,

my extremely private journal,

go to school, come back,
and Mother would say,

"By chance I found... "

Or, "I was cleaning, and I found... "

Or, "I found this on the floor... "

And what she had found was always

the journal or the love letters

that were filled with drawings of cocks

because of this boyfriend
I had who didn't know

how to write a love-love letter.

Mother is a spy,

a kind of spy that's not
ashamed of getting caught.

Once, a Rolling Stone issue
in which Charly García bragged

about how some chick gave him head

under the piano during a concert.

"I threw it out," she says.

"I threw it out because it's perverse. "

My aunt gives me the Rolling
Stone Mother threw out

and says, "Keep it safe. "

Keep it safe.

Mother is a great censor.

Aunt is a great rescuer.

Mother got baptized in a swimming pool.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah, ma'am.

Aunt got baptized in a lake.

Mother never swears.

Aunt says fuck when she drives.

Fuck!

Mother is married to Father.

My aunt has had hundreds of boyfriends

but never gets married.

Mother gripes all the
time but never gets sick.

Aunt hardly ever gripes and gets cancer.

I don't know who decided
that cancer comes from

bottling up a little pain
in your heart or wherever.

I don't know who decided
that Aunt had to get sick.

God?

There are two things in this
world that have no limits:

Aunt's love and Spy-Mom's spying.

There's one thing in this
world that has no answer:

what am I going to do
without Aunt's love?

What will Spy-Mom do to me then?

I ran into your mom at the supermarket.

Creepy-

She looked at me with an evil face.

Slut, slut, slut.

Introduce me to your
mom. I bet she's hot!

I'll huff and I'll puff, and
my dick in you I'll stuff.

What's up between you and
your mommy, sweetheart?

Barbage, the tigress of the west.

Holy snatch, Tigress!
What a difficult question.

I don't know.

So many shitty things

that I don't know how
to say them in this blog.

Actually, what the hell.

I'm not sure if mother loves me, really.

Whatever, I don't
know. It's too personal.

I once read in a
Cosmopolitan about a trick

on how to suck dick with an
ice cube inside your mouth.

I never got it.

XOXO Young!

Will I ever meet you someday?

GOZPEL 1:5 A. & T. BY YOUNG & WILD

Now comes the interrogation.

I saw you on the street last Sunday.

Yeah?

I was in a car with my parents.

That's why I didn't say hi.

On your way to your sect?

On my way back. What were you doing?

I don't remember. Was I by myself?

Weren't you coming back from your sect?

I don't go to church.

But your uncle is the
TV station's director.

What's the matter? Is that weird?

It's just
- I don't understand

Why you'd work at that station
if you're not forced to.

I live on my own.

I pay for college, feed my cat.

What's its name?

Cat.

End of interrogation.

This reminds me of the
Sailor Moon horniness.

Mr. R's Sunday school at age 11.

He says, "Write down on a piece of paper

all you are holding before God. "

I wrote down, "Sailor Moon. ”

Shit, how I loved that
Sailor Moon and her legs.

But Mr. R. didn't care about those legs.

He wanted little papers
with idols on them.

Each kid handed in their piece of paper

with their idols on it.

He put them on the
floor, lit them on fire,

and then said...

God comes first.

Sailor Moon

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Are you from the TV station?
- Yes.

- Hello.
- Antonia.

Please, come in.

- Hello.
- Hello. Daniela.

Please, come in.

Could you pull this up
underneath your shirt?

There it is.

And that?

In there, yes.

Thank you. Daniela, we're ready.

How did you find the Lord?

Well, I had a very good life, right?

A life filled with things:

money, a good car, a pretty girlfriend.

But I felt anguished.

I felt a weight on my chest.

One day I got preached to,

and I observed my life,

and I realized that it was
very full on the outside

but empty inside,

and I felt God had an
important mission for me.

And how did you know?

God told me.

Speaking?

He put his message in my heart.

I reflected, and I
decided to sell everything.

I got rid of everything.

And I talked to my girlfriend,

who I saw was a little reluctant,

to explain to her
that if she didn't want

to share the message
of Jesus Christ with me,

we had to break up

because my mission now was to preach

in the name of Jesus Christ
throughout every nation.

And did your girlfriend convert?

No.

No, she didn't accept the Lord.

Was there anger?

No.

Actually, I was sad,

because I felt that she was missing out

on the gift of accepting Christ, no?

No, what I meant to ask you
was rather if she got angry

because you were leaving
her for a life of preaching.

But that's not important.

We have to abandon our ego.

We have to crucify our ego

in order to accept Jesus Christ.

But you wanted to leave

and break up with your girlfriend.

You wanted to follow Christ.

You weren't killing your ego.

You were doing what you wanted to do,

weren't you?

Well...

Excuse me.

Is this the person who was
supposed to interview me?

- Yes, it's her.
- Yes?

Yes.

I think he's pissed off.

Yes, Josue, hello. Look, yes, I'm here.

Your niece is here with a girl

that honestly doesn't know what to ask.

She's just asking nonsense.

I think that this
isn't the way it works,

not like this.

We're not going anywhere.

So I ask you to please talk to her,

I mean, first of all, to make
them stop wasting my time,

and talk to her because I guess

she can give you a better explanation.

Hold on for a second.

You're Antonia, right?

Yes.

- Yes, I'm coming.
- Here she comes.

Excuse me. Well, I think so too.

That's why you should talk to her.

Hello? Yes, Uncle.

Yes, we'll be right over.

We have hurt a brother in Christ,

and that is not righteous.

It's not righteous.

Daniela, you are not pleasing God.

I'm sorry, but I wanted to say-

Silence. I'm speaking.

Daniela,

you have shown an arrogant heart.

You know the Word.

You know that God loves those
with simple, humble hearts.

Look, Josué,

I gave Daniela the responsibility.

I couldn't go with them,
and she wasn't prepared.

I don't like thinking
about Evangelical dicks.

I say "Evangelical dick," and I think:

one, limp dick,

two, premature dick.

But Jeezus is almighty.

Water into wine-

limp dick into hard dick.

Daniela and Antonia, please leave.

Sorry.

I thought it was kind of funny.

Why?

I don't know.

And what happens if you get fired?

I get sent to Ecuador.

On vacation?

No.

On a missionary expedition.

How could you be such a brat?

Am I fired?

How could you tell him
he hasn't left his ego?

You should have gotten fired.

You should have started
off with that, Tom�s.

How could you ask him

why he left his girlfriend for Jesus?

Hey, what are you laughing at?

Me?

You should have done
something. You were with her.

I'm sorry, but I get paid for taping,

and I taped.

Besides, I'm not one of those people

who believe in tiny lights in the sky.

They're not tiny lights.

Come on, don't get mad.

All right, I've got an idea.

Why don't we go see the princesses

so Tom�s doesn't get even angrier?

You're so silly.

What's the name of the
sweatier guy with tattoos?

Cogwheel Jack.

And the other guy?

Coyote.

If I had a boyfriend, I would
go out with Cogwheel Jack.

Why?

Do you like them tattooed and sweaty?

No. I like Cogwheel Jack.

Whatever.

You know you still like
skinny, clean-cut guys like me.

What an idiot!

A stands in front of T. T is shirtless.

T takes a look at A's legs,

A's beautiful legs.

T draws closer, tries to touch her.

A pushes him away, laughs.

A attracts him, laughs.

I'm the public.

I don't laugh. I don't move.

I want neither one to win.

I just want the almighty fuck to win.

"Fuck her," I say softly.
"Go on, fuck her. "

And A laughs.

She doesn't hear me
while T knocks her down,

while T spreads her beautiful legs

and says, "Stop laughing. "

And I think,

"Okay, he's finally going
to slip it into her. "

But I can't think of them anymore.

I can only think about my body.

I can only think about my own body

that trembles, trembles,
and trembles with filth

until it stops trembling.

GOZPEL 1:6 THE RIGHTEOUS
PATH BY YOUNG & WILD

You had a crush on him as well.

No, I didn't. I just liked him.

And he had a crush on you.

- No, no, we were just friends!
- Oh, come on!

You were dating both
of them for a while!

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were. Admit it.

No, we just gave each
other little kisses.

- He even wrote you a letter.
- When?

I remember it perfectly.
You were about to marry Rai.

And he went over to his house.

- I don't remember.
- Yes.

Okay. Shut up.

He wrote you a letter. Yes, he did.

And what did the letter
say, "I love you"?

No, it said, "if you get
married, I'll kill you. "

Just that. You were lucky.

And? Tell me.

He has an apostle's name.

John?

Peter?

Judas?

No, he was the one that said,

"I'll believe it when I see it. "

Tom�s? His name is Tom�s?

Isabel?

They want to pray for
you in the living room.

Yes, I'll be right over.

Danielita and I are
talking about something.

Okay, don't get mysterious, all right?

We're talking about Tom�s.

About who?

Who?

I'm going out with a
boy from the TV station.

I will send you to Ecuador.

Oh, Mom.

What, do you want to sleep with him too?

Tere.

Stop it.

She was going to bring him
over so you could meet him.

Fuck.

I don't know why it pisses me
off so much to post about this.

Perhaps it's because I prefer

reading about sex than about love,

or perhaps it's because
the word "re-la-tion-ship"

seems so ugly to me.

I'm in a relationship.

And I'm kind of happy or almost happy.

And I don't know what else to say,

because we just do the same
things all nerdy couples do.

We go to the movies.

"But don't turn off your
cell phone," Mother says.

We eat ice cream,

and I give him my puppy-dog eyes

while licking it with my porno-tongue,

so that he'll think,

"I'll forget about God,

"about virginity, and all that crap,

and I'm gonna fuck her speechless. "

I'm not asking for the Moon

All I want is to love you

I want to be that wildness

That vibrates deep inside of you

I'm not asking for the Moon

I'm just asking for the moment

To rescue that skin and steal the star

That you and I see when we make love

And Cogwheel Jack is,
like, everyone's favorite.

But you like him because he's gross.

No, he's not gross,

but the thing is that
when he's fighting,

he sits down on his
contender's face and wins.

What?

When did you see that?

Tere.

No, the thing is,

we go see them during our lunch break,

but it's just for a little while.

Yes, a very short while.

And then they go right
back to the station

and don't stop anywhere else.

I don't know.

Even though we were all
like that, kind of happy,

a certain fatality
could be felt in the air.

And what has to happen
on a fatal day happened,

as hard to believe as it may be.

Get down on the floor, or I'll kill you!

Let's go! Hand over all of your jewelry.

Place a protection
barrier around us, Lord.

Place a barrier of
angels around us, Lord.

Tom�s asked the Lord

to place a barrier around us and blah.

Father spoke in tongues,

and it seems like the Lord listened

because the thugs
passed right by our table

and never looked at us.

They didn't look at the
tables next to us either.

There are two possibilities.

Our prayer- I
don't know if mine-

helped us save all the
sinners from the nearby tables

from the robbery.

Our prayer didn't do a
thing, because if God exists,

he's worrying about any old thing

except for that restaurant.

And the third option, the coolest one,

is that all the tables
around us were Evangelical,

and they were all praying
for a protection barrier.

Fourth option:

you gave your "Mr. Thug,
don't steal from me,

and I'll suck your dick" face,

and then orgy with the thugs.

Fifth option: who cares?

The only thing that matters

is that now Mom loves him so much-

as much as she can within
her mother possibilities-

that she lets me go out with him

and the internet is back.

You turned out so classy, Danilca.

I would have robbed you with this
hard gun I have between my legs.

Dani, girl, what's going
on with your stories?

I have to tell you
something really cool.

Log on to MSN when you're less caged up.

I came across this
blog without wanting to,

and I wanted to say that perhaps

you haven't gotten to
know the Lord's true love.

The important thing is that
you're going to know true love,

the one from down here.

This has nothing to do with this,

but I saw the best cat ever,

and I had to tell you about it.

I was checking the internet
browser history the other day.

Mom was looking up your friends' names.

She also looked up teenage depression

and that boyfriend of yours
from three years ago, Diego.

She also looked up Young & Wild.

Fuck, fuck!

What?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

The dicks, the pussies-

it all comes out into the light!

Exposed fornicator,
dead fornicator, fuck!

I'm joking.

"I'm joking. "

So what's the deal?

Can she look up anything that I've seen?

Yeah, but you have to
clear the browsing history.

How do you do that?

Press there.

"Clear history. "

That's it.

That's easy.

She also looked up Pete Montana, look.

Pete Montana with no last name?

Yes, just like that.

Pete is the name of my
sister Julia's boyfriend.

Montana is the name of the state

where my sister's boyfriend comes from.

Calling him Pete Montana

is like calling someone Helmut Germany

or Juanito Santiago.

The story of Pete Montana
can be told in three phrases.

Sister fornicated and
secretly married Pete Montana.

Mother could not forgive her.

Mother doesn't let me see my sister.

My aunt lived at the beach

before she got cancer
and came to live with us.

One day, she invites me to her house.

My sister is at the beach.

My aunt planned it.

We have an encounter that
feels like an illicit romance.

We go to the beach. We watch the sunset.

We walk by the shore.
We eat beachy things.

We watch the sunset again.

While we're happy,

my aunt turns her cell phone
off for the whole weekend.

She doesn't want Mother to call her.

Since these wheels are made
of rubber instead of silicone,

they've got a better grip
on the street, get it?

Let's go check it out.

The pastor's sermon...

We have gotten to know Jesus Christ-

not a cheap or hypocritical religion

but Jesus Christ himself.

He's the one who has set us free.

And that's the bomb:

to live life to the fullest
in our lord Jesus Christ.

And we've come here with problems,

with difficulties, with tests,

with obstacles that may have
to do with drug addiction,

with alcoholism,

but we have come here to
know and to understand,

for an obvious reason,
that there is a God

that loves us and that
accepts us just the way we are.

But when we arrive to God,

there's an absolute change in our lives.

There's a change of heart.

There's a change of mind.

The truth is condensed in
the persona of Jesus Christ.

There is no other
truth bigger than that.

Do you know why, brothers?

Because this truth for you
and for me has made us free.

Could you give these tapes to Antonia?

A new love

I never thought that I could find him

Who gave my life a reason to love

Jesus, my love and more
than love will always be

Jesus, my love and more
than love will always be

Jesus, my love and more than love

Thank you.

He gets so Evangeloony sometimes.

You haven't slept with him yet?

He doesn't even want
me to touch his dick.

Has anyone ever told you,

"No, I don't want to sleep with you"?

Once I was with a person
that was a bit scared,

but it passed.

Why scared?

Maybe not scared but uptight.

Did the person relax?

Yes.

How?

Hey, come to my birthday party.

Bring Tom�s with you.

I'm not allowed to go out at night.

But tell Tom�s to ask
your mom for permission.

Come see me.

And now could you please let me work?

Father, thou who art in heaven

Father, who art in my heart

For years now, the idea of a threesome-

a boyfriend and a little classmate

that had dark circles
around her eyes, huge tits,

and a face of eternal fuck.

I said to boyfriend,
"I think about her. "

Boyfriend calls one day and says,

"I dreamt about you and her. "

Liar. No fucking way he dreamt of it.

He probably jacked off very
consciously and thought,

"if I tell her I dreamt of
it, she won't get jealous. "

But I was jealous, just a little,

eclipsed by my once-again fiery twat.

Once almost, at M's house,

but I got scared of I don't know what.

But now at the
Tom�s-Antonia party, I think,

"Third time's a charm. "

I think again,

"Fornication with him,
with her, together,

is the perfect love
that's not in the Bible. "

Threesome, threesome, threesome.

GOZPEL 1:7 THE LITTLE
STAIRCASES OF SIN BY YOUNG & WILD

Come on, let's dance!

I want to dance.

Let's dance.

Hey, I hate this music.

Then let's make out.

Come on.

Hello.

Hello.

The tigress of the west.

Barbage.

This is my boyfriend, Tom�s.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Cute.

Daniela has talked a lot about you.

And you two, how do you know each other?

From around.

Come on, I want to dance.

- Come on, no, no.
- Come on.

Dani.

"Dani. "

Dani.

Stop, stop, stop.

It's not funny.

How come David and
Bathsheba fucked all day

and they weren't married?

That's the worst example.

Afterwards, they get punished by God.

What a great punishment.

The Bible says that
later on, he had 800 wives

and he was fucking them all.

You heretic brat.

Well, at least they were all his wives.

Let's get married then.

You're really drunk.

Hi.

Gated!

Happy Birthday!

Thank you. How are you?

Barbage?

Will you come to the bathroom with me?

Okay...

What's the deal?

Damn it.

Well, whenever you feel like it.

Here's your humble servant.

You left Tom�s alone.

You forgot about me.

Even though I came here
to fuck you and Tom�s.

Hello.

Hello.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thank you.

Bye.

They were kind of weird.

No, they were really normal.

Did you have a lot to drink?

Practically nothing.

"Practically nothing. "

Are you going to drive, Tere?

No, you drive.

Hug the person next to you

and tell them that they're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

If there's something that I hate,

it's open letters-

open letter to Chile,

open letter to the baby
who'll never be born,

open letter to the president,

open letter to
I-dunno-what, I-dunno-who.

But just like Paul,
ex-Saul, I do what I hate...

Open letter to Tom�s.

My spirit feels relieved.

Father looks at you with acceptance.

Aunt loves you.

Mother trusts you.

It's me and my raping power
that she doesn't trust.

Tomas, Mother, as always, is right.

My spirit feels relieved,

but my poonani doesn't.

P.S.: I have a very intelligent idea-

to make a sex-themed video game.

You earn ten points
for conventional sex.

This is pussy-dick.

20 points for less conventional sex.

This is dick-ass.

30 points for a threesome.

40 points for convincing a
virgin person to fornicate.

1,800 points
- no, 1,800 million points

for convincing a man
of God to fornicate.

1,800 million points
that I will never earn.

Boo. I've only got a few points.

Fuck. Your boyfriend is a dumb-ass.

I'd tell you, "Eat this Popsicle. "

Hey, sister in flesh and blood,

I never post things on your blog.

All this filthiness is
making me a little nervous.

Ha, ha, ha.

I forgot that I was
going to post this to say

that I have more points than
all of your followers combined

and added and multiplied.

And fucking the one who writes this
blog, how many points do I get for that?

You lose points.

SAILOR HAS JUST SIGNED IN

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: WHO ARE YOU'?

SAILOR SAYS: SAILOR SATAN.

THE GIRL YOU LEFT OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM.

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: HAHAHAHA!

SAILOR SAYS: HOW DID
IT GO IN THE BATHROOM?

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: I
DON'T KNOW. CONFUSION.

SAILOR SAYS: FEAR OR CONFUSION?

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: IT DIDN'T SCARE ME.

SAILOR SAYS: AN
EVANGELITEASE IS WHAT YOU ARE.

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: NO.

SAILOR SAYS: YES!

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: NO. AND NO. AND NO.

They think I'm with Tom�s.

Do you want to go to Rene's Bar?

No.

GOZPEL 1:8 BACON AND
TOFU BY YOUNG & WILD

Okay, I'm off to pick up your brother

from the Christian Youth Club.

So you stay here keeping
Aunt Isabel company.

And don't go into your
room all by yourselves.

Bye.

Such a prude.

Do you love me?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You're not even into me.

What do you mean, I'm not into you?

The other day, I heard a man say

he thought another guy
liked both men and women.

He said this: "He likes
both bacon and tofu. "

Nah. He totally looks like it.

That guy likes to
kick it with both feet.

I wanted to ask him, "And
who would the bacon be?

Who would the tofu be?"

But he got off the bus.

Then I thought,

"I'll write the parable
of the bacon and tofu. "

Here it goes.

One: Fornication with her.

Two: Fornication with him.

Three: Fornication with her.

Four: Fornication with him.

Five: Fornication with her.

Six: Fornication with him.

Seven: Love with her.

Eight: Love with him.

Yes, I know. It's not a parable.

But I don't have much
time, and unlike Jesus,

I'll never be able to teach anything.

GOZPEL 1:9 IF I HAVE NO LOVE,
I AM NOTHING BY YOUNG & WILD

Everyone, pay attention.
We're ready to roll.

Three, two, one.

On air.

Hello, friends!

Welcome to your show Rich in Christ.

Today we have two young contestants.

Our first contestant, Leo,

comes from the Baptist
Church of Ñuñoa.

Our second contestant, Vicente,

comes from the Christian
Missionary Church.

Boys, please say hello.

Let's go on to our first question.

Complete the biblical verse:

"For God so loved the world"...

"That he gave his only begotten son,

"that whoever believes
in him shall not perish

but have eternal life. "

"That he gave his only begotten son,

"that whoever believes
in him shall not perish

but have eternal life. "

I won.

Excellent, Leo! Very good!

So let's go on to the second question.

It reads as follows. Attention...

Today there's no parable
or metaphor or comparison

or biblical
reinterpretation or anything,

'cause I'm feeling like
a fucking cock-dick-prick.

Sorry, sorry.

Seeing bacon and tofu every day.

I'm confused,

and I don't know if I want
to write, but I do write.

I don't know why I write,

and maybe it's better if
I talk about the Bible.

Once, in Corinthians, Paul said,

"if I have not love, I am nothing. "

I am nothing.

"If I do not have love,

I become as sounding brass
or a tinkling cymbal. "

Hey, come on.

And I want to ask Paul, God, Mother,

some blogger, someone,

what happens if I have too much love?

What happens if I like two people?

If I love two?

If I like doing dirty things with both?

Is it better than having no love at all?

What the fuck happens,
Paul, Mother, God, blogger?

Do I become nothing?
Am I less than nothing?

GOZPEL 1:10 BUH-BYE
OLD SELF BY YOUNG & WILD

No, come on, seriously.

Let's have a real conversation now.

Let's do something.

You tell me everything you like

and everything you want,
and then I'll tell you.

I like waking up sick on Sundays...

Being afraid of dachshunds,

chatting online until
my eyes burn at night...

We talked about pretty
things, and there were boats

and sun, a lake, and even a parrot,

and all we needed was that perfect song.

Cha, na, na

Like when soap operas end.

But the difference was
that nothing was ending.

Drenched on your back

I feel happy

We don't get up anymore

And I hold you against my chest

With all my soul

I could die tomorrow

I could die stuck here

Completely drugged

Oh, friend of mine

I know we're never going to let

I know we're never going to let

This love go away from us

Leave.

I don't want to leave.

You said that you had to go.

Go.

But not like this.

Then we can do it like we always do.

You leave because you
have 800 missed calls

from your mother,

because you have to be with Tom�s.

I say, "Good-bye. See
you at the station. "

You kiss me on the
mouth, and we chat online,

and then we laugh at the station,

and everything is super cool.

What do you think?

That I want it to be like this forever?

Mother says that sinning
is a matter of steps.

She says,

"When you open the door
for the enemy, he enters. "

I could say that I've
climbed up the steps of sin;

although it'd be more
accurate to say down-

considering hell is not above-

the stairsteps of sin.

At first I said

I'd never fuck before marriage.

Okay, I never said that.

But I did say I'd never cheat.

While cheating,

I made an infinite list of et ceteras,

but I always knew when I
went down step after step.

And the problem is the following:

I'd never said I wouldn't
be with two people at once.

I never knew that suddenly

it wouldn't be step after step anymore

but more like falling down the stairs.

And now I say,

God, I want to walk down
a clean, righteous path.

And that's it. Righteous.

Right?

Wasn't Tom�s dropping you off today?

What's wrong with you?

Daniela, what did you do?

I want to get baptized.

Go to my house.

To the beach?

Yes.

Get baptized where I did.

Let's all go.

Yes.

Awesome.

I'll be cold if I wear that.

Who cares?

Hey, you have to get a
less pornographic T-shirt.

But all white T-shirts
are pornographic.

But yours even more,

because it's made out of
that old fabric, you know?

You can get a white one anywhere.

I can get it for you if you want.

Why do you need a white T-shirt?

I've got several.

Because I'm getting baptized.

You have to wear a white
T-shirt for baptism.

See, Anto can lend you one. Cool.

Dani, you're getting baptized?

Yes.

That's great. Congratulations.

SAILOR SAYS: BAPTISM?

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: BAPTISM.

SAILOR SAYS: IS YOUR MOM MAKING YOU?

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: NO.

Dani, Dani.

Could you come see this
thing we're editing, please?

Sure. I'll be right over.

YOUNG&WILD SAYS: LET'S TALK LATER.

What's up?

How long do you think this should be?

He wants to cut it here, you see...

Are you willing to let your ego die?

Evangelical baptism isn't like
some bullshit Catholic baptism.

Evangelic baptism is
done when you're older,

conscious that you want to follow Jeezus

and leave your old self in the toilet.

Evangelic baptism takes place outdoors.

I would do it in a
tropical swimming pool.

But the Lord will
always be there with you,

because he tells us...

I only thought about
getting baptized once before

in school, when I was 14,

when I got close to Jeezus
like everyone else did.

I am nothing without you.

I am nothing without you.

Those of you who feel
that you have lost the way,

who wish to amend their ways,

tell him, "Take me, Lord. "

Take me, Lord.

Those of you who are rebels at heart,

tell Jesus, "Lord, take me. "

I did Daniel's fast
- legumes and vegetables.

And I really did it,
because I felt close to God,

and I was proto-anorexic.

I remember that we went
to the hill to pray,

and Ms. Cecilia told me

that my heart was getting pretty.

Lord, move her heart.

Lord, touch Daniela,

move her heart.

Shamba, ramba, rimba, ramba

Shamba, ramba, rimba

Shamba, ramba

Lord, illuminate our youth,

all these children.

Shamba, ramba...

And time passed, and time passed,

and I got lost.

And my heart wasn't pretty.

And today, that I'm more lost than ever,

I want to try it again.

Pastor Uncle asks me...

Are you willing to
give up your old self?

Are you willing to let your ego die?

Do you know what it
means to let your ego die?

And I think, "I don't
know. I don't know. "

But in the end, I say to Pastor Uncle...

Placing Christ first?

Placing Christ before
anything that I'd like to do.

And I think, "I love bacon. I love tofu.

"Maybe I love Jeezus.

"I love bacon. I love tofu.

I want to be clean, clean. "

You went crazy.

Hey, I was an Evangelical

and I got baptized and everything,

and all I remember is
that I was freezing,

and I caught a cold.

Fuck, girl, I'm finding out about shit

that you should be
telling me to my face.

Girl, I can understand
you sleeping with a lady.

I can understand you
sleeping with a man.

But I can't understand
you getting baptized.

I would even baptize myself in
a fucking ice-cold lake for you.

Girls, please hurry up.
Teresa is already downstairs.

- Uncle.
- What?

It's that... I'm not going.

Why not?

Because I have things to do.

As you wish.

What's going on?

What?

What do you mean, you're not going?

What do you want me to do there?

I'm not a part of that.

Who cares?

Okay, and am I supposed to clap
when you come out of the water?

Come.

I want you to be with me.

It's that...

I like you more than a lot.

I want-

I need you to be there.

I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.

70 times 7, I love you.

Is that a phrase from your sect?

Yes. 70 times 7 means infinity.

Where?

In the twee Bible?

I'm ready.

GOZPEL 1:11 NOW WE SEE THROUGH
A GLASS, DARKLY BY YOUNG & WILD

Who gave you this toy?

Grandma and Grandpa, I think.

Yeah, right?

I love this one. Look.

No, Aunt.

This is for her birthday.

Danielita.

Don't look at it.

This is when she was
turning eight, and her dad-

Let me see!

This little princess crown
was a gift from her dad.

She thought that she was
the prettiest at the party

until Pamela showed up,

and she thought that she
was prettier than her,

so she got mad.

She went to sit down over
here next to the chips.

That's where Rai took this picture.

- Cute, right?
- Yes.

Daniela?

Let's go for a walk on the beach?

Okay. Let's go?

Let's go.

Hey, so do you still think you
are the prettiest in the world?

Of course.

That's because you hadn't met me yet.

And then you write
that you sleep with me,

and everyone reads about it!

Don't tell me to calm down!

Don't pretend to be my friend, bitch!

You're sleeping with her!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

And Tom�s?

We had a fight.

Why?

Because I was being kind of mean today.

And why were you being mean?

Because I didn't get to fin-

Let go of me.

When Isabel arrived at our house

less than a year ago,

she said, "Tere, I'm sick. "

I thought about what Paul said
in Epistle to the Corinthians.

He said,

"For now we see through
a glass, darkly. "

Now that my sister, Isabel

is dead...

I think of Paul once more.

It may be that I don't...

It may be that I now see things darkly.

It may be that I don't understand.

And I don't.

But I also think about what Paul said,

that death in Christ is a gain.

What do we gain

with the death of all things?

I don't know.

I still don't know.

Now I'd like for us to sing a song

that my sister loved so much.

I

will be reborn today in Jesus

Let's go.

You shall see me return

Towards the divine light
I know I shall depart

My soul is enlightened

I know I'll make it there

I know I'll make it there

Today, I know that I'll be reborn

And in his eyes, you shall see me return

Today, I know...

GOZPEL 1:12 POSTSCRIPT BY YOUNG & WILD

Paul said in Corinthians,

"When I was a child, I
understood as a child.

I spoke as a child. I
thought as a child. "

Blah, blah, blah as a child.

"But when I became a man, I
put away childish things. "

I say it in nowhere:

when I was a child, I
thought like a child.

I understood as a child.

Now that I'm a non-child,

I haven't put anything
away, and I don't care

because I don't know if
I believe in happiness

or in peace

or in maturi-tease

or in
I-don't-know-what.

I only believe in being lost.

Amen and amen and amen and amen.