All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. 1x06 - The Cop Car

When you start a new company,

it can feel like there aren't
enough work hours in the day.

So I came up with a little
idea for how to fix that.

And that was to start work at breakfast.

Eddie, why aren't you wearing pants?

Sorry about that. I spilled
some syrup on my slacks.

I had to toss 'em in
the washing machine.

But don't worry,

I was able to add them to
that load of your intimates.

By the way, you really ought to be

hand-washing a lot of that stuff.

We're still working out the kinks.

Mm. This milk has gone bad.

Oh, no, I brought that from home.

I'm intolerant of all milks
except for walnut and deer.

You're sitting in my chair.

Well, I thought that was your chair.

It was... yesterday.

But today, it's that one.

Well, I talked to my
friend, the chair fairy,

and she said that I could
have this one today.

Not everything has a fairy, blondie.

Big day, everyone!

Al has a very important
promotional appearance.

I booked him on the
"Vanessa Stanhope Show."

Cool! Can't wait to listen!

Uh, you will not be listening.

That show is not for kids.
She's totally R-rated.

Brian Sokolowski's mom
lets him listen to it.

Well, Brian Sokolowski's mom
is 95 percent chardonnay.

Ben, your girlfriend's calling!

She's not my girlfriend.
She's my band mate.

The only thing we're
interested in making

is beautiful music together.

I was in a band at your age.

I get it.

Make sure you make safe music.

Al, can I talk to you for a sec?

When are we gonna be done with this?

Oh, I think it's kind of working.

We're all getting along.

Wait, where's my folder?
It was just here.

Maybe the folder fairy
filed it away for you...

...in the dishwasher.

It was a huge day for us.

If I could nail this
Vanessa Stanhope interview,

it could change everything
for the company.

Here are your talking
points for the interview.

Sorry, but the printer was broken again.

Why am I the only one who
even attempts to fix it?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Deirdre, but
you're the only one who knows how.

Plus, you got those
little raccoon hands.

You know how to burrow in
there and wake everything up.

You know, at my old job at Cheer Up,

I used to actually produce radio shows.

It's a start-up.

Everyone's making sacrifices.

I had to talk to a guy with
an artisanal mustache today.

- Oof.
- Okay, speaking of Cheer Up, I called

over there to see if they would
even consider promoting the podcast,

- and they want me to come in.
- Really?

Why would they want to do
that after the way we left?

I mean, tears were shed.

I mean, mostly by me,
but tears were shed.

Surprisingly, they were open to it.

I thought Eddie could come with

since promotion is
technically his department.

That's a good idea!

Eddie's been on a bit of a roll lately,

booking me on this
big, fancy radio show.

I can't believe

Vanessa Stanhope
actually knows who I am.

Who are you again?

Oh, Alex Schuman with Ajana.

I just want to thank you so
much for having me on your show.

I'm a huge fan, and I really think

your listeners are gonna be
very interested in my podcast.

No, they won't.
This isn't public radio, man.

My listeners don't wanna hear you

softly try to solve a murder mystery

to indie music for 12 weeks.

Oh, it's not a crime show.

These are people who are
stuck in traffic, all right?

They want you to make 'em laugh.
Keep it punchy.

Give me short, sexy anecdotes.

- What are those, talking points?
- Yeah.

No. You try to work these
into the interview,

it's gonna be over before you
can whisper, "Whodunnit."

Welcome back.

We are here with Arthur Schumberg...

Alex Schuman.

...who wants to tell you
about his new podcast.

Boring!

But don't worry... he was just about

to tell me about the
best sex he's ever had.

All right, kids. You two get to jammin'.

And I will get to jammin', too.

Those PB&Js will be up in a Jiff...

peanut butter.

All right, come on.

Can't all be winners.

Yeah, but some of them should be.

Did I tell you I like your shirt, Ben?

Yeah, like eight times today.

- Ben, be nice.
- What?

Emily doesn't mind it when
I call it like I see it.

That's my Benny-Bear.

He's so honest.

That's why his music is
so raw and truthful.

This girl's out of her mind.

So, what's this chorus
you've been yapping about?

Here goes.

? I can't stop loving you ?

? Though I try and I try ?

? Hard to stop loving you, yeah ?

? I know you yearn for me, too ?

? Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you ?

? Oh, you can't stop lovin' me ?

What do you think?

Mm, not too shabby.

You're a little pitchy, but don't worry.

I'll be able to fix that in GarageBand.

Great.

I believe these are the chords?

While I was off plugging our
podcast with Vanessa Stanhope,

Eddie and Deirdre were trying
to get a plug at Cheer Up.

Glass of salad?

Don't mind if I do.

I can't believe you used
to work someplace so fancy.

Get a load of this table.

What is this, mahogany?

Oh, yeah.

That's mahogany. Take a sniff.

I-I don't know anything
about smelling woods.

Beautiful, but very hard to move.

We should probably just
leave it where it is, then.

- There she is!
- Deirds!

Eddie Laguzza, CFO of Ajana,

orange belt in Jiu Jitsu.

That's not a threat,
I just have to tell you.

Eddie, would it be okay if we
talked to Deirdre alone for a sec?

It's just some old colleague gossip.

- It would bore you.
- Sure.

I think I'll go revisit
that strudel platter.

Those are free, right?

Absolutely. Enjoy.

I love this place.

So, Deirdre, we've been
worried about you.

Tom Moffat said his girlfriend
called an Uber the other day

and when it showed up,
you were driving it!

What the heck, Deirds?

Okay, well, that's just a way

to make some extra cash, you know,

until our salaries adjust slash start.

I only drive a few nights.

And weekends. And holidays.

And the Super Bowl,

and the even nights of
Hanukkah, and my birthday.

That is so, so, so sad.

No, no, no. Overall, things are great.

Which is why I'm super
psyched you invited me here

to talk about promoting Alex's podcast.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow
your roll, Deirds.

Alex stabbed us in the back.

He can go to hell in a hand-basket.

- We don't even care how he gets there.
- Skip the basket.

We asked you here because we want you

to come back to Cheer
Up as an on-air host.

- What?
- We miss your energy.

Your verve.

Your je ne sais quoi!

I mean, merci, but I'm happy where I am.

Sure you are, of course.

You don't need to decide right now.

Just think about it.

- Hey, Quinn.
- There's my man!

Quinn would be your assistant.

He just graduated from massage school.

Very strong hands.

I recommend the peppermint oil.

It tingles.

Are you sure you were
allowed to take that?

It was just sitting in the
lobby on that table there.

Someone clearly left it behind.

So, you gonna take the job?

What? How did you even...

I've been around the block a few times.

Plus, the guy replacing
the crudit�s asked,

"Is Deirdre gonna take the job?"

Okay, no. Totally no,
never ever. Totally never.

That's... It's not even a thing.

Oh, that's very convincing.

- Who's that guy?
- Quinn.

He'd be working under me.

I mean, I'd be over him.

I mean, he'd be on me... on my desk.

There would be a hierarchy,

and I would sit on top of him.

You know what I mean!

All right. You're telling me that
the best sex you've ever had

was with your wife?

- Whoa!
- It's true.

It might be true, man, but it
is so boring. You know what,

I think it's time to wrap this up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. W-What if I told you

that it all happened in
the back of a police car?

All right, that made it
move a little. Go on.

Oh, well, in college, I drove around

in this beat-up old cop car

I got at a police auction for no money.

And I had this idea to take
Rooni on a date to the park.

We were gonna have take-out Chinese.

- Oi.
- So wait, wait, wait.

When we're picking up the take-out,

it starts pouring rain.

So we're racing back to the car,

we're drenched, we're totally laughing.

It's like "The Notebook," only slower.

Get to the good stuff, man!

Okay, okay. So, in our haste
to get out of the rain,

we jumped in the backseat.

But it's a police car,

and those doors don't
open from the inside.

Oh, I know.

So at first we were, like, panicking.

But then we realized, you know what?

It's kind of romantic, you know?

We got hot food,
the rain is hitting the windows...

And then you two took it to bang town.

Well, I'm not gonna go into details.

But let's just say it was
the best first date...

Oh, it was the first date?!

- There it is!
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a show.

Rooni Schuman gave it
up on the first date.

- Well...
- Way to go, Alex,

you dirty little freak. I
didn't think you had it in ya.

Everybody, keep your eyes
peeled for Alex's new podcast,

"Our Family's Business,"
and we'll be right back.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

You know, you got a cool wife, man.

She let you tell that story.

If I'd done that, my wife would kill me.

I came home praying

Rooni hadn't heard me on
the radio that afternoon.

Fortunately, I was pretty
good at playing it cool.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go with Vanessa Stanhope?

Was that today?

I remember doing it,
it was just so long ago.

Hmm. Cool.

Oh, hey, will you, um, call my phone?

I don't know where it is.

Of course, baby.

And then after,
I could draw you a nice, hot bath

and we could drink some wine.

And we could watch "The Bachelorette"!

I hear someone's in it
for the wrong reasons.

Rooni Schuman gave
it up on the first date.

Rooni Schuman gave it
up on the first date.

Oh, here it is.

- Rooni Schuman gave it up
- I got a new ringtone.

- on the first date.
- Pretty cool, huh?

- Rooni Schu...
- I'm so sorry, baby,

but I had to do something to
get her to promote the show.

She kept baiting me and baiting me
and saying I wasn't interesting.

And by the way, it worked.

The traffic on the website has
spiked after the interview.

Unbelievable.

Rooni Schuman gave it
up on the first date.

Rooni Schuman gave it up

- on the first date.
- It's your mom!

All right, Benny-Bear,
I don't wanna say goodbye.

You hang up first.

Okay, bye.

Was that Emily?

Didn't she just leave
like 10 minutes ago?

Well, she calls every couple hours.

Sometimes every hour.

Definitely after every meal and snack.

We need to have a talk, Benny-Bear.

I think Emily might want
to be your girlfriend.

Mom, you probably think every
girl wants to be my girlfriend.

No, I don't.

She probably had some
Bagel Bites or something.

Okay, you know what?

At least one man in this house

is going to be sensitive
and upfront with a woman.

If Emily's really your friend,

you don't want to lead her on.

You have to make sure she knows

that you don't like her like that, okay?

Okay, fine.

I'll talk to her, Mom. Geez.

And be nice.

And don't do it on a nationally
syndicated radio show.

I feel like that wasn't for me.

I've never seen Rooni this upset.

- I gotta fix this, Ed.
- It's easy.

You said something embarrassing
about her in public,

so you gotta say something
that embarrasses you in public.

What could I say that's
as embarrassing as that?

Slippery Rick's Water Park, 1998...

You puked on the log flume.

It was so steep.

The audition tape you and your mom made

for "The Amazing Race."

The time you cried to get
out of the jaywalking ticket.

Okay, that one is a different story

because I'd just seen "Titanic"
and I was very sensitive.

That cop got me mid-weep.

You know what, Rooni and I are adults.

I'm just gonna go talk to her.

Oh, you wired half your savings
to that Nigerian Prince!

I hope he's okay.

I haven't heard from him in a while.

Hey, Benny-Bear!

- We still on for rehearsal tonight?
- Uh, yeah.

So, listen to this.

My mom said the craziest
thing yesterday.

She said that, you know,
'cause of how we FaceTime

and that song that you wrote

about how you're not
able to stop loving me,

and uh, she said that maybe
you have a crush on me.

But I told her we're just friends.

Right?

Yeah, for sure.

Okay, great! Parents are dumb.

I'll see you later for rehearsal.

Yeah. Actually, I don't think I
can rehearse today after all.

Oh. Maybe tomorrow, then?

I don't know.

I'll let you know, Benny... Ben.

Sorry I'm late.

One of my Uber passengers
just made me wait

while he dumped his
suitcase in the East River.

It was pretty heavy, but we got it done.

I've been thinking about
your predicament, Deirdre.

It's very tempting, that Cheer Up place.

- Not to me. I'm not tempted.
- Really?

'Cause it looks like you
brought in fancy water.

Just because I don't want to work there

doesn't mean that we can't have
some of those nice things here.

Have some spa water.

It's gonna be a good day.

My bad!

Have you seen the bathroom key?

It's MIA. Here's a quarter.

Take it to the Chevron.

Tell 'em Ed sent you.

_

Look.

I know right about now, you're thinking

it would be nice to work
at a place like Cheer Up.

But there's a lot of great
stuff about this place, too.

Mm-hmm?

Just out of curiosity,
could you give me an example?

I'm gonna have to get
back to you on that.

Rooni, I'm sorry about
the interview, okay?

I was stupid. I got
caught up in the moment,

and I told everyone we had sex
on the first date, which we did.

But I will never, ever again

tell everyone we had
sex on the first date,

which we did.

I'd like that stricken
from the record, please.

Hey, guys. I'm so sorry.

Um, could you take this
to Dale's office, please?

- I hate Dale.
- Me, too.

Thank you. What are
you doing here, Alex?

I don't want you to be mad at me,
and you still are, okay?

I made a mistake, I said I'm sorry...

How long are you going to make
me suffer for this interview?

All right, you wanna know the truth?

- Yes!
- I'm not even mad about the interview.

I'm mad because ever since
you started this company...

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

If this is gonna be about the
company, gotta get it on tape.

It's gonna be good. And go.

Use it.

Talk into the mic.

Oh, my God, this is exactly
what I'm talking about!

Everything you do now
is about the company!

- I want our life back.
- Fine.

Would it help if I told everyone...

Hey, I cried after I saw "Titanic"!

There was plenty of room
for Leo on that door!

Shame on Rose! Shame on Rose.

Alex, I got a lot of work to do.

Rooni Schuman gave it
up on the first date.

Will you please change that?

Ben showed me and I forgot how!

You just go to settings, and then sound.

Change it to something not upsetting,
like "Ding!" or "Do do do do!"

The hardest thing about
my conversation with Rooni

was that I wasn't sure how to
fix what was bothering her.

Of course, I'm obsessed
with the company.

I-I want it to work. What am I
supposed to do, let it fail?

The only thing that you're
capable of failing at

is not succeeding.

Thank you.

Remember at Cheer Up,
when we'd leave for the day

and we wouldn't think about it again

until we walked in the next morning?

By the way, how was Cheer Up?
I forgot to ask you.

They're not gonna promote the show.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

When I left, I flipped a few desks.

Or at least I tried to.
They're very heavy.

- Mahogany.
- Mahogany.

It's such a heavy, heavy wood.

Yeah, very dense.

But do you remember how easy that was?

The only time Rooni was ever mad at me

was when I spent too much time

putting the kids to sleep.

Maybe sometimes, you need to act like

it's the way it used to be,

even though it's not
and it never will be.

Sometimes, maybe you need to block

all the rest of that stuff
out and just focus on her.

Make her feel special.

You know, you're right.

You're so right. She probably feels
like I'm taking her for granted.

Maybe we can't go back to the old days,

but there's no reason
we can't visit, right?

Let's finish this later.

Thank you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Did the hermit crab die?

How would we know, Mom?

How would we know?

You were right.

Emily did have feelings for me.

Well, why are you sad?

I thought you didn't like her like that.

I thought I didn't,

but it's like I didn't know
what I had until it was gone.

Should I write a song about that?

I think someone might've
beat you to it, bud.

Maybe you should just call
her and tell her how you feel.

Oh, great.

More advice from the person

who told me to break up
with the love of my life.

Anyways, it wouldn't work.

- She won't even talk to me.
- Okay.

Well, then you gotta dig deep, Ben.

Think of a way to make it up to her...

Something that would mean a lot,

and not just to anybody, but to Emily.

What would that be?

You'll think of something.

You sure you want to do this?

I'm sure.

Well, good luck to you.

? Things were looking up for me ?

? Till you walked back in ?

? Now I'm thinking of you again ?

- ? People don't believe me when ?
- Is that Ben?

? I tell 'em that I'm over you ?

? Guess I'm no good at hiding ?

? That I can't stop lovin' you ?

? Though I try and I try ?

? Hard to stop lovin' you, yeah ?

? I know you yearn for me, too ?

? Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you ?

? Oh, you can't stop lovin' me ?

Thank you both for this opportunity.

You made the right choice.

Oh, we should grab a drink later.

- I'm straight again!
- This week.

You got my number.

Hello, my name's Deirdre Riordan.

I used to work here at Cheer Up,

and recently, they invited me back.

It's a very nice place,

and they have made me
feel very comfortable.

But sometimes,
"comfortable" isn't enough

because at the end of the day,
it's about people...

The people who you admire and trust

and who you'd do anything for,

even if it means working
in a decrepit warehouse

that smells like dogs and black mold.

Atta girl.

Anyway, if you want to
listen to the kind of show

that comes from people
with that kind of passion,

I encourage you to listen to
Alex Schuman's new podcast.

It's called "Our Family's Business,"

available soon wherever
you download podcasts.

I'm gonna kill you, Deirds!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Let me just quickly make
sure no one's here.

Okay, good.

Rooni, I am so sorry

that work is such a big
part of our lives right now,

and I'm sorry I can't make that go away.

But one thing I can do

is make sure that there are
some things that are just ours.

I can do better on that.

I promise. You deserve it.

Thank you.

And thank you for not recording this.

Yes, I am purse-less,
just like in the old days.

Speaking of which,

I was wondering if I
could take you on a date.

What'd you have in mind?

I was thinking Chinese take-out.

I can't believe you found this car.

It's almost exactly like that
piece of crap from college.

This is really sweet, babe.

It's too bad you couldn't make it rain.

Hold that thought.

Not bad, Mr. Schuman.

Though I'm pretty sure you
just locked us in here.

Okay, I didn't mean to.

But it's 2018, and we have
our cellphones, which...

are on the front seat.

I think we may be here awhile.

I guess so.

I wonder what we should do now.

And what happened next, well...

that's none of your business.

There she is!

Deirdre, that was the greatest heist

in the history of radio.

Hey, it's a startup, right?
Whatever needs to be done.

- Well, we got you something.
- Yeah, we did.

Just what I wanted! The LR2400XC!

It has facial recognition
for up to five faces.

- I call I get to be one of the faces.
- Me, too.

Okay, two faces left.

Also, we know you've been driving
a car to make some extra cash.

That don't sit right with me, so...

- got you some mace.
- Yeah.

Oh.

That's the good stuff. It burns
everything, even your ears.

Great.

Just don't mace yourself accidentally.

Oh, that's another
embarrassing thing you did.

Yeah, I thought it was breath spray.

Now I always double-check
the label before I pump.

This one is good.

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