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Taxi?

Hm, yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Going to the university, eh?

Um, yeah, that's right. How'd you know?

- Hello, son. - Looking for residence?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in first year.

Well, welcome to William Bancroft.

I'm Fred McQuilkin, hall porter and keeper of the gate.

Hi, I'm Peter Saarinen.

Most of the other freshmen are here already.

There's only a couple of hours left to register.

Saarinen, well, let's see what house you're in.

Lowry, that's a mighty fine house.

Lots of fine fellas in Lowry.

You're in room 124.

- Oh, thanks. - That's on the first floor.

Do you want someone to help you with your suitcase?

No, no. I'll be able to manage it myself, thanks.

Lowry's the first house on the left.

Right!

- Here, I'll get that. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, where are you lugging this thing?

Huh? Oh, um... 124.

No kidding. I'm right across from you in 123.

- Yeah? - Next to the can.

Say, why don't you check your things, and we'll go over to the gym.

I hear there's a coke dance.

You should see the girls. Boy, they're something.

Oh, well, I don't know.

I think I'm supposed to register,

and then I'll have to call home.

Well, have it your way.

I'm going to check inventory.

- Bye. - Yeah, see ya.

Fred?

Oh, Fred?

Doug!

- Hi, how ya doing? - So you're back again this year.

Well, some guys just don't know when to quit.

I figured I'd better stick around

until we get rid of you, and protect the residence.

Get rid of me?

Man, you're still gonna have to contend with that inimitable Freida.

You're looking pretty chipper, Harris.

You don't look like you spent the whole summer in Hamilton.

Well, I sure did.

I spent three months punching a clock

in the steel mill down there.

Then we drove down to New York and blew the whole bundle.

That's natural.

Yeah, I picked up this real hot little MG outside.

You know, it goes like a bat outta hell.

- Wanna take a spin? - Oh, not on your life!

Any of the guys shown up yet?

Well, you know, Nick, Artie, Larry.

Nick popped in a couple of hours ago.

Oh, but I haven't seen any of the others yet.

Well, look, I'm gonna go up

and see if the old room still looks the same.

Hey, by the way, I hope you got us

a better set of freshmen this year.

- Hello, Peter Saarinen. - My name's Dave Johnson.

- I'm the head waiter. - Oh, hi.

I understand you're interested in doing some waiting.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, I put my name down a little while ago.

I guess I could use some extra spending money around here.

It's not very hard.

You come out around 5:30, and you're through in an hour.

Put down the food, pick it up, clean it up.

You know, it's not high class,

but it'll keep you in book money.

Okay, well, whenever you need some extra help,

just call me.

- How 'bout tonight? - We could use some help.

Say, half an hour.

Oh, okay, fine, half an hour.

All right, I'll see you then.

- Okay, bye. - Goodbye.

Well, I guess it's just about time

for the march to the mush palace.

Anyone notice what they're serving tonight?

They call it fried chicken.

Yeah, but any resemblance to a hen, living or dead,

is strictly coincidental.

Well, gentlemen, I've come to the conclusion

that ptomaine poisoning is preferable to malnutrition.

Onward to indigestion.

You better fill up on bread.

That's about the only thing around here they can't ruin.

Hey, leave some for the rest of us, right?

Pass the salt, man.

Eh, chicken's not half bad tonight.

Yeah, they're trying to make up

for that pickled abortion they delivered last night.

I hear three fellows actually passed out at the table.

They must've been freshmen.

And Freida tells me that some of 'em

still even wet their beds.

Oh, look, she's just sore

because none of 'em propositioned her yet.

Oh my gosh.

Hey, look, if it weren't bad enough,

they've put us with a rookie waiter here.

I say, chap. Garçon.

Yes, I mean you. Come.

Tell me, my good man, what do you call this repast?

- Call it? I don't call it anything. - I just serve it.

I say, jolly good. This chap must be the new jester.

And nevertheless, I feel I must bring to your attention

a rather serious negligence.

I distinctly recall

ordering pheasant under glass this evening.

And what you have served me is partridge, undercooked.

Well, I'm sorry.

Young man, I am not finished yet.

Tell me, what is that thumb doing in my plate?

Is one of the kitchen boys afflicted with a leprosy?

This offering is quite unacceptable.

I insist that you take this plate back

to old Mush and Guts immediately, I mean the dietician,

and lodge a formal complaint on behalf of Hunter House.

- Hear, hear. - Absolutely.

Are you serious?

I jest you not. And snap to it!

Otherwise, your fingers may very well end up

in the meatloaf tomorrow.

Boy, that waiter's gonna make a perfect mark

for our initiations.

I think we oughta lay off him. He's had enough.

What's the matter, Doug, you getting soft?

No, I'm not getting soft.

I just think we can find somebody a little more challenging.

Eight o'clock okay with you guys?

- Fine with me. - Okay, fine.

Look, I'm gonna check out now.

What the hell? We just started playing!

Yeah, I know, but I thought I might go up to the library,

stretch out for an hour.

You in the library? You don't even know where it is.

Wise guy. Hey, look, would you mind checking my gown?

Yeah, sure.

I thought the library was out of bounds first term.

Oh, just about.

Just got a couple of freshmen up there, eager beavers,

but, you know, they don't make any noise.

It's a good place to catch some sleep.

Too late. They've taken Fanny Hill out.

Okay, look, I'll see you guys later. About eight, eh?

- Right. - Take it easy.

And don't hog all the Bobbsey Twin books.

Fourth for bridge.

- Well, hi. - Hello.

Hey, listen, pal.

Well, you're not sore, are you?

I mean, about that business in the dining hall.

Well, I mean, we always give the new waiters a rough time.

It's sort of an initiation. It keeps 'em on their toes.

Well, that's all right.

Well, I guess I'll take this back to my room

and read it there.

What are you reading?

Oh, just some poems, by Eliot.

He's on my course this year.

Well, you like his stuff?

- Yeah, yeah, yes, I do. - I've read quite a bit of him.

"In the halls, the women come and go,

talking of Michelangelo."

Oh, you know his poetry then.

Yeah, English 110.

Oh, "The Waste Land."

You know, I tried reading through this once.

I couldn't make much sense out of it.

Yeah, yeah, it is pretty difficult at first,

but if you work on it, it does start to make some sense.

"April is the cruelest month."

Obviously a reference to final exams.

- You read the whole thing? - Yeah.

You must be in English or something.

Philosophy and English.

Well, I'm in Economics myself.

Well, I take English as an option.

So, look, tell me, what do you think of all this,

this community of scholars?

- Oh, it's fine, I suppose. - It's a bit big though.

It sort of takes a while before you can really

get to meet anybody around here.

Well, that's the great thing about residence.

You don't know a soul. On the first day,

you meet a whole house full of guys.

Incidentally, the name is Harris, Doug Harris.

I'm Peter, Saarinen.

- Peter? - Saarinen.

Saarinen. What is that, Polish?

Finnish. But I was born in Canada.

- Yeah, sure. - Well, it's great to know you, Pete.

Yeah, well, I guess I better be getting back to my room,

get some work done.

Good luck with "The Waste Land."

- Okay. - And, look, kid.

Well, I'm really sorry, about that bit in the dining hall.

- Ooh, The Temptations. - Never heard of them.

Oh, brother, look what just walked in.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Check the red hat.

Eh, there's nothing much here. Let's try somewhere else.

Oh, come on, don't give up so easy.

Oh, it looks okay to me.

Here, puss, puss, puss, puss! Here, puss!

Hey, what are you looking for?

- Arthur. - Arthur? Who's Arthur?

You don't know Arthur?

Little black pussy. Here, Arthur!

Puss is under.

- Think of something quick. - Here they come.

These beautiful blondes. I just...

well, they're just... I just get so carried away.

Okay, guys, choose your chicks.

Oh, there's only three of them.

I'll tell you what, I'll try the blonde.

That leaves a deuce.

Well, I guess that leaves you out, Larry.

Oh, I'll take Arthur.

Okay.

You really go for the blonde ones, eh?

No, but they go for me.

And then Frank's coming home from Queens

for the college weekend.

Well, at least you'll get him.

I've got a trick Daddy into letting me fly down to Boston

for the big Harvard game.

Okay, guys, here goes. Watch this.

Don't forget the dread knot.

Watch the master at work here.

Ladies, I'm a friend of Frank.

That's your problem.

And my name's Doug.

I can foresee no immediate resolution of the problem.

- Oh, hello there. - Hello.

I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, sir,

but I've just locked myself out, and I need a key.

- Oh, well, that's quite all right. - Do come in, won't you?

I'm sorry, but I haven't learned

all the new chaps' names yet.

I'm Peter, Peter Saarinen.

Oh, have a seat, won't you?

Uh, Peter Saarinen, you're from Welland, aren't you?

- No, Capreol. - Oh, yes.

You're down here on an Ontario scholarship, aren't you?

Congratulations. Well, how have things been going?

So when this one stripper came into town,

- and she's got her BA. - BA?

- Yeah! - BA? What's that, bare ass?

I suppose it's a perquisite if you're a stripper.

Listen, if she has her BA and she's stripping,

I wonder what she would be doing if she had her PhD.

Tell me, what course are you in?

Philosophy. Philosophy and English.

Oh, well, I won't be able to help you much with those.

Do you do any history?

- Yes, I do. Medieval. - Good.

That isn't exactly my area,

but I still remember a bit of my Middle Ages.

How 'bout it, Bev?

Think you got what it takes to be a stripper?

I should hope so.

Come on, let's go!

- Show us how it is. - Oh, no.

- Come on! - Bev the body,

- out there on the runway. - Bev the body, here we go!

- Take it off, take it off. - Let's go.

Take it off, take it off.

Do you do any acting yourself?

Just a bit, in high school.

Oh, well, maybe we'll see you

in one of the college productions this year.

Oh, yes, you came up for the key, didn't you? I'm sorry.

- Hey, what's going on here? - You mean what's coming off.

Hi. I was just telling the boys about the strip tease.

Look, you don't have to sell them.

They're regular customers. So, what else is new?

It's Friday, you're taking me to lunch, remember?

Do I have a choice?

- Hey, my coat. - Yeah, leopard.

- Hey, wait! - Come on, come on.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, just a minute!

- She's coming back. - Hi. Sorry, bye.

- Bye, Bev. - Bye, Bev.

- We enjoyed your show. - Hey, girl.

Boy, I wish I had a broad like that.

You wouldn't know what to do with her.

Yeah?

So where'd you get the airplane?

My dad arranged to get...

After all, where else could he find a girl

of my grace, charm, intelligence, and good looks?

At The Luxury.

Besides, I'll let you all in

on a little secret.

He is mad about me.

- He has to be mad. - Here comes the mad man now.

- Oh, hi, Doug. - Oh.

What sort of enchanting drivel

has my girl been feeding you now?

- You'd be surprised. - Well, Bev has just been

telling us you need congratulations.

Oh, I've had enough of all this gossip. Come on, Doug.

Well, Doug, why don't you pull up a chair

- and sit down? - Yeah.

Oh, no, no, we have business

- to look after. - Yeah.

I will not raise your allowance.

Oh!

We'll see ya, Doug.

- Okay, bye. - Bye-bye.

Nancy, did I tell you what the jeweler said

- about the ring? - Uh-uh.

Well, he said we could put in extra diamonds,

there and there, in a few years, you know,

- when we get settled. - Pretty rich, eh?

Ah.

Say, what was all that bit about congratulations?

Oh, nothing.

Anyway, Doug, I got the most fabulous pink dress,

so you're just gonna have to take me dancing.

It's got little puffy sleeves,

and the neckline scoops right down to there.

It's just great.

How should I wear my hair, up or down?

I was thinking this time I'd wear it up.

Doug, you're not even listening.

- Huh? - Did you hear a word I said?

Yeah, sure. You were talking about your hair.

Do you think she's good looking?

No, of course not.

I was just thinking her hairdo might look good on you.

Yeah, I'll bet.

You can go over and talk to her if you'd like.

No, Bev, I just wanna sit here and talk about your hair.

Too late. I've gotta go.

I'm meeting Mom downtown.

We've gotta pick out a present for Grandma and Gramps.

- Oh, it's tonight? - Yeah.

Imagine, 50 years ago today, they were married.

- Marvelous, isn't it? - Yeah, it's incredible.

It should be a happy family gathering.

- Give 'em my love. - I will.

Say, you got another one of those care packages from home.

Oh. Oh yeah.

It's probably some of the blankets

my mother said she'd send up.

Hey, Fred. Any fan mail for me today?

- Not a one. - Must be losing my touch.

- Oh, hi, Pete. - Oh, hi.

Who sent the coffin?

Oh, it's just some blankets my mother sent up for me.

What's the matter, can't you find a broad

to keep you warm?

Quit corrupting the freshmen, Harris!

Say, did your mother send you

any of that Finnish pastry from home?

It was delicious.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she sends some up in every package.

- What's this Finnish pastry? - That anything like Danish?

No, no, it's sort of like a long roll

with nuts and sugar and things like that.

- Oh. - It's great stuff.

You can take it from an expert.

Well, if old Fred says it's all right,

then I guess it can't be all that bad.

How 'bout a sample?

Oh, well, I was just on my way to lunch.

You can come by my room afterward and try some, if you like.

Yeah, I may just take you up on that.

So long.

I think Saarinen's

still a little bit lost around here.

Yeah, well, I guess it just takes some guys

longer than others.

Does he have any close friends?

I don't know. He always comes in alone around here.

Oh, hi. Just your friendly pure food inspector.

Come to see if your old lady's bakery

conforms to regulations.

You don't have to worry about that.

- Come on in. - Yeah, thanks.

Hey, that's quite a shipment she sent you.

Yeah, my mother doesn't want me to forget

what good cooking tastes like.

Man, you got the ideal setup here.

What do you mean?

Well, you can just sit there munching your pastry,

and watch the whole ebb and flow of co-education

in between classes.

Huh, I suppose so.

I usually can't see very much besides the traffic though.

Well, I guess the racket kinda bothers you, huh?

Oh, not so much anymore.

Hey, would you like some kaffeleipää or some pull a?

Well, I think I'll have some of that ka...

well, the first stuff you had there.

Yeah, here. I think you'll like it.

Well then, have you got some napkins?

Oh yeah, they're in the cupboard.

Hang loose. I'll get 'em.

You just attend to the goodies there.

Hey! Man, this is really wild.

What's that?

- Oh, this thing here. - Oh, yeah.

What'd you do? You win this at the Capreol Fall Fair?

No, my grandmother made it.

- Well, I'll tell you what. - Let's have some of that coffee,

- what, coffee-let? - Kaffeleipää.

- Leipa, Leipa? - That's right.

Okay.

Here, I'll give you one of the inside pieces,

- right here. - Oh, thanks.

It looks good.

Thank you.

Hey, you know something?

I think I've just developed a weakness for Finnish pastry.

Yeah, my mother has a knack for it, hasn't she?

Mm, I'll tell you what,

how would you like to trade her for mine?

I'll even throw in my sisters.

Not a chance.

Well, anyway, tell her

if she doesn't get enough appreciation at home,

she can send her pastry to me anytime.

You know, just be careful.

Along with the baking, you get personal directives

to study hard, brush your teeth after every meal,

go to bed early at night.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

She'd give me up as a lost cause.

Are those your folks up there?

Mm-hm.

Well, they look easy to get along with.

We used to sit around the piano on Saturday nights,

singing folk songs from the old country.

- Do you like folk music? - Sure.

I just picked this up the other day.

It was on sale downtown.

- Musical Greetings from Finland. - It sounds great.

Hey, you haven't opened it yet.

Oh, no, one of these days, I'll borrow a record player

from somebody down the hall.

Hey, look, why don't you come upstairs to my room?

We can play it on my stereo.

Yeah, and you can listen to some of my albums.

- Right now? - Well, you got any classes?

- No. - Oh, look, no better time.

Oh, well, how 'bout some more pastry first?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you bring it along?

We can do the whole ethnic bit while we're at it.

Come on, keep going.

Oh, some climb.

Yeah, well, that's the only exercise I get these days.

Hey, how about that now?

A love note, from a secret admirer.

Oh yeah?

Oh, it's Artie.

Well, let's see. Hey, my folks called.

They got four tickets for Belafonte tonight.

Hey.

They wanna meet Bev and me at Mr. Tony's for dinner.

- Hey, that sounds good. - Just great.

Bev's gonna blow a gasket.

She has to go to her grandparents' tonight.

She's been on my back all week to see Belafonte.

Yeah, I can't blame her.

How would you like to take in a show tonight?

- Me? - Yeah, you. Who else?

You wanna be a social leper all your life?

Well, fine, but...

Come on! You get a decent meal in the bargain.

Well, sure, but I'm supposed

to be waiting on tables tonight.

Well, you go and tell Johnson to get a substitute.

Tell him that you're gonna be waited on tonight. How's that?

- Okay. - Good enough.

- Thanks. - Well, thank you.

- Hey, you know what, Pete? - Yeah?

Why don't you come back about 5:30,

and we'll listen to the record before we leave.

- Right. - Okay.

- Bye. - See ya later.

Hey, come on. Take it easy, eh?

You know I'm just a beginner.

Oh, don't worry.

You'll get used to it in a couple seconds.

What do you call this, trial by steam?

Oh, just try breathing through your mouth.

It's a lot easier that way.

Yeah, sure, it's easier.

Come up here where the action is.

No thanks, man.

- Forget it. - Oh.

Don't you want more steam?

You know, Pete, it seems to me,

you should get to know the guys in your house better.

You know, hang around the common room more,

and go bowling and drinking with the guys.

Well, I mean, you're letting

some of the greatest opportunities

slip by of your university career.

You know, that's funny.

A guy was just telling me this afternoon

that I was wasting my youth

not joining the protest marches against the war in Vietnam.

Like, for instance, we're going on a march next week

in the American Consulate.

Now, come on. Hang on a sec, will you, Pete?

Now, look, before you get all hipped up

on this Ban the Bomb jazz,

let me clue you in on a couple things, will ya?

You may think it's great for kicks now, but in the future,

it's not gonna do your reputation any good.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, look.

Okay, fine, you get outta college,

and you're looking for a job.

Some guy's gonna discover that you once held placards

for one of these Ban the Bomb movements.

So, right away, before you know it, you're blacklisted as a commie.

Ah, knock it off.

They're pretty bright guys,

and a lot of them really believe in what they're doing.

- Oh, come on, man. - They're campus weirdos.

- They're misfits. - No, no, they're not.

Sometimes you gotta take a stand for what you believe in.

I dunno, everybody thinks

they've got the right answer, I guess.

Well, tonight, I was out seeing the town.

Tomorrow, I'll join a picket line.

You know, Pete, well, I can't figure you out.

You're a pretty sharp guy. You got a lot on the ball.

How come I don't see around with any of the regular crowd?

Oh, I dunno, maybe I just like

to take my time choosing my friends.

Well, time goes pretty fast on campus.

Yeah, it sure does.

The leaves aren't even off the trees yet,

and the guys are already talking about

what kind of sherry they're gonna drink

at the dean's Christmas party.

Well, naturally, man.

That's the number one party of the year.

Fight with love.

Be merry in the tour of life.

This has gotta be the wildest Christmas party

- the dean's ever had. - I'll say.

What's the matter, Doug? You're not enjoying yourself?

- Doug! - What?

Nick was just asking

how you shave around the dimple in your chin.

I'm sorry. I was just wondering about Saarinen.

Yeah, wasn't that a panic when they dragged him out?

I thought I'd split a gut.

No, I think maybe I'll check in on him

after we've taken the girls home.

Oh, come off it, Doug.

He's old enough to take care of himself.

I know, but he looked pretty rotten

when they took him back to his room.

Hunter House's answer to Florence Nightingale, eh?

- Come on, knock it off. - Anybody here want some punch?

- Yeah, just a glass. - Yeah.

Let's get that stuff rolling, eh?

What happened?

You should've been there.

You were the hit of the dean's Christmas party.

They even gave you a standing ovation,

as they dragged you out.

Oh, Christ.

Come on now.

Think of the mess.

Look, at least you made a permanent mark

on Sir William Bancroft residence, right?

You're a hero!

I'd have preferred animate, um...

just plain Peter somebody or other.

- Oh, come on, cut the humility. - You're not that bad.

I don't mind being plain old me, most of the time.

It must be nice. Not many guys around here can say that.

You know, it's like I...

I don't have to prove anything, you know?

- Like me. - You?

No, you seem to fit in without even trying.

You mean the big-man-on-campus routine?

It's not much of a compliment.

I know, but you have a lot more than that. All of you do.

Why? It's a lot of noise.

Oh, sure, we cut each other up, and we boast.

We act like we own the residence and the college

and the president's pet poodle.

So big deal. We don't know anything. We never do anything.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Well, you're alive. You make things go.

You know, when I first came here,

I really wished I had your self-confidence.

You have a way with people.

Sure, but what does it matter?

Well, like hell, if I flunked out next term,

what difference would it make?

Oh, sure, maybe a couple of weeks later,

it might dawn on Artie or somebody,

and they'd say to Nick,

"Hey, I wonder what ever happened to that Harris character."

That's about all.

Hm, talk about the blues.

"I live with bread like you,

feel want, taste grief, need friends.

Subjected, thus, how can you say to me, 'I am a king'?"

- What's that, Shakespeare? - Richard II.

That's the funny thing about you.

What is?

I dunno. You have your own sort of confidence.

I dunno. Maybe your books help you see things more clearly.

- Peter? - Yeah?

Have you ever wished, well, that you could see yourself

through somebody else's eyes?

All the time.

But I'll be seeing scorpions soon if I don't get some water.

You can lead me down the hall.

I'm just swimming from mogul to mogul,

and I got completely out of control

and went flying, boom, into the ass of this fantastic broad.

And there we were,

- rolling around in the snow. - Doug!

- Hey, Petey! - Hey, Doug!

- How are ya, boy? - Not bad. How are you?

Okay.

- Hey, cut it out. - Hey, come on.

So, how was your Christmas?

Oh, not too bad.

I had to stay indoors most of the time though.

Keep away from the wolves out in the streets of Capreol.

Come on, you're kiddin'.

Hey, by the way, my sister Sharon

can hardly wait to meet you.

Well, especially after that Christmas card you sent.

- Oh. - You know,

- the handmade one? - Yeah.

I got a kick outta yours too.

Well, did you show it to your folks?

Yeah. They didn't really get much out of it.

I think it was a bit too hip for my mother.

But she still sent down

some of that kaffeleipää, for that nice Doug fellow.

Well, you just tell her I love Finnish mothers.

Just wait 'til you see what else she sent out, too.

What? Well, come on, let's have a look.

Wait, wait, back.

Voila.

- Oh, another one! - It'll last forever.

- Well, no kidding. - That's how it happened!

My Aunt Beatrice has spent five years in India.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Well, you know, she was an acolyte in this Buddhist temple.

Well, then what?

We were all sitting around the Christmas tree,

and she was showing us the lotus position.

Now, get this, I'm standing on my head,

and my feet are up in the air, like a pretzel.

- Like an idiot. - Come on, come on.

And Aunt Beatrice says,

"Hold this position for 15 minutes,

and it's good for your brain cells."

- What brain cells? - Yeah.

Do you wanna hear it or don't you?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well, anyway, so she goes out and milks her goat.

- Milks her goat. - That's obscene.

And 15 minutes later, I'm still sitting there,

contemplating my naval.

The naval officer.

When all of a sudden, one old goat

runs into the room chasing the other one

and mistakes me for the Christmas tree.

And the next thing I remember

is Aunt Beatrice standing over me, burning incense,

and chanting some Buddhist prayer.

I'll tell you what. You better brace yourself, Nick.

He's probably got a whole cast full of shaggy leg stories.

You should hobble over to Don Swansman.

I hear he needs a new cast.

- Get that door, man. - Get the door.

- Get the door? - Yeah.

Hold the line.

- Oh, hey, Pete. - Hi. How are ya?

Hey, what's the rush?

I just got back from the theater.

Oh, hi. I got a part in Ghosts.

- Ghosts? - The play by Ibsen.

So, what do you play, the third spook or something?

No, he's really the lost soul.

- Very funny. - Come off it, guys.

No kiddin', what do you really play?

I got the male lead, the part of Oswald Alving.

- Wow. - Pretty good.

We got a Barrymore living right with us in our residence.

- Hey, Nick, you going? - Yeah, I gotta call my agent

to see if they've accepted our terms in Hollywood.

Well, wait for me.

I don't wanna be a conversational crutch.

Hey, get his autograph for us, Doug, eh?

- Yeah, I'll do that. - Come on, you guys, scram.

Oh, so you got the male lead.

Uh-huh.

There's nothing like starting at the top.

What's it all about?

A veil of tears, yes,

and we quite consciously make it so.

But the people over there will have none of that.

There's no one there

who really believes doctrines of that kind any longer.

Over there, the...

the mere fact of being alive

is thought to be a matter of exultant happiness.

Mother, that is why I'm afraid to stay at home with you.

Good, better, much, much better.

Keep it like that.

We'll have 'em on the edge of their chairs.

Okay, people, off you go.

- Finish your essays. - Yeah.

Rehearsals start tomorrow at eight.

And please, people,

- please be on time. - Okay.

- Hi! - Hi.

Oh, you're a real trooper.

Have you done much acting before?

No, not very much.

Just a bit part in a high school play last year.

Well, you were really terrific tonight,

especially in that last scene.

I dunno, I really have to keep on my toes

to keep up with you people.

Oh, come on.

You're the most promising male actor we've had around here

in three years.

You've been around for quite a while.

The drama club's perennial mother.

Which got you the lead in Ghosts.

That was just bribery.

Spotty promised me a lead before I graduated.

Even got to pick the play.

- No kiddin'. - No, not really.

But I've been plugging for an Ibsen for a long time.

His characters are really marvelous.

Yeah.

People you can really dig into

- and make a lot out of. - Yeah, I know what you mean.

- Oh, and his language... - Hello.

- Is really... - Oh, hi Doug.

See you're not wasting any time. How'd it go?

Okay, I guess. Oh, Sandra, this is Doug Harris.

Doug, Sandra Larson. She plays my mother.

- Hi. - He plays my father.

How do you do, Mr. Harris?

You coming?

- Oh yeah, just a second. - I left my script on stage.

- Uh, smoke? - Please.

Thanks.

So, how'd the little Barrymore make out tonight?

Very well. He acts with a lot of conviction.

Must be kinda hard for him

to think of you as his old lady.

Well, it's easy for a good actor.

Enter Oswald, stage left.

Hey, are you sure I'll be able to get in?

I'm under 21, you know?

Look, don't worry. I borrowed Nick's birth certificate.

Oh, fine.

You really think of everything, don't you?

It's not the least of my charms.

Would you like to join us for a beer?

Well, I'd love to,

but I promised to meet a friend for coffee.

You know about these actresses

and their midnight rendezvous.

- Yeah. - Maybe some other time.

- Fine. - Come on, we'll be late.

Well, I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.

Yes.

Hey, it's too bad your friend Sandra

couldn't show up tonight.

- She's quite a gal. - Yeah, she's not bad.

She's a really good actress, too.

She seems rather warm for your form.

Why do you and your friends always talk about girls

as if they were nothing but sex machines, huh?

There's usually a lot more to a relationship than that.

You oughta know that. You've been in love, haven't you?

Well, I used to think so, but I'm not too sure anymore.

Why?

I dunno. Sometimes I, well, I get the feeling

that I mean more to Bev than she means to me.

Well, she's obviously not the right girl for you then.

Just keep looking.

But I can't think offhand of any girl

who's all that important.

Hey, lad, where you going?

You gotta be 21 to drink in here.

This only says 18 here.

Yeah, I'm 18. You only have to be 18 in New York.

Well, but this is not New York. This is Ontario.

- Let's go, come on! - Oh, come on!

- Let's go! - I'm gonna write

- to my congressman. - Write your congressman!

Friend of yours?

Come on. Hey, Charlie, two more over here, will ya?

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. I'm just beginning.

Come on, friend. You're gonna need plenty of antifreeze

before the toilet bowl game.

What the hell's that?

Man, that's the highlight of Winter Carnival.

See, you get these three teams on a triangular field.

It's a cross between soccer, football, and masochism.

Or especially when one of the teams is made up of girls.

- Yeah. - You wanna play?

Yeah, sure. I guess so.

I'll try anything once.

Great. Hey, waiter!

Let her face be fair and her breasts be bare.

Let her have a voice that can warble.

Let her belly be soft.

But to not be a lot.

Let her bounding buttocks be marble.

Oh, that was crude, Doug.

That's a bonafide Old English folk song.

Say, do you remember the one about the students

and the horny landlady?

Yeah, like this one.

You know, I'm sorry. I gotta go now.

Thanks for the entertainment, Doug.

Well, where are you going?

Rehearsal. We're on in a week, but you'd never know it.

When's the big night?

Week Saturday. You coming?

Coming? Tidal waves couldn't keep me away.

Get us the best seats in the house, Peter.

Front row center.

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

Hey Pete, come here a minute.

I want you to hear something I just learned.

Hey, that's from my record.

That was beautiful, Doug.

What does it mean?

Far away is my love.

I gotta go.

I'll see you later, Bev.

Bye, Pete. Break a leg Saturday night.

Thanks.

- Doug. - Hm?

Why do you do so much for Peter?

I dunno. I suppose I like him.

Well, he's so different from Artie

and Nick and all the guys.

Well, maybe that's why I like him, Bev.

Look, is this the song you wanted to hear?

There is a brisk young student, and I have heard him say.

He arrived at an inn in Newcastle all on a market day.

Oh, if only it had been something I had inherited,

something I could not help.

But instead of that, to have disgracefully, stupidly,

thoughtlessly thrown away one's happiness, one's health.

Oh, no, my darling boy, that is impossible!

Things are not as desperate as you think.

Ah, you don't know.

And to think, Mother,

that I should bring all this sorrow upon you.

Many a time, I've almost wished,

hoped that you really did not care so very much for me.

I, Oswald? My only son?

All that I love in the world, the only thing I care about.

Oswald, what's the matter with you? What is it?

Oswald, look at me!

The sun... the sun.

Wasn't it great? Terrific.

Little Peter, I didn't know he had it in him.

Well, I did. Come on, let's go backstage.

Oh, I hope so.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, they're gorgeous. Here, catch.

Peter? Peter?

- Hi, Doug. How are ya? - Terrific.

Hi! Yeah, you were just great.

I've never seen a sight in my life.

It was just fabulous. Wonderful.

Yeah, you were marvelous, absolutely lovely.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Hey people, hey people!

The party's gonna be at Lemiel's place.

Do you all know where that is?

A party, goodie. Can we come?

Well, I don't know.

Come on, what's a party without Bev?

Well, yeah, I know.

It'd be great to have you and Bev come along,

but, really, it's just a party

for cast and crew members. I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, but they wouldn't mind

if you brought a couple of friends along, would they?

No, Doug. I'm sorry. It's just for cast.

Oh well, forget it.

Come on, Doug. Let's go get a drink or something.

We'll make our own fun.

I'm sorry, D...

Well, I just can't get over it. No, really.

I mean, here you are,

probably the only real friend this guy has.

In fact, the first guy who sort of helped him and all.

And what does he do?

"No, I'm sorry. Cast members only." Sure.

I'm quite sure that an extra two people

wouldn't have hurt any, especially his best friend.

It's probably all that girl's doing.

- All right, look, Bev... - let's just forget it, eh?

Well, I don't see how you can.

Two extra people, wouldn't it...

All right, two extra people, you and me.

Okay, now, look, suppose Sandra

and every other member of that cast

decided that bringing along two extra people wouldn't hurt.

Okay? Peter's right.

If it's a cast party,

it should really be only for the cast.

Now, you can't blame the guy.

Well, I can.

Look, Bev, I'm sure that Peter didn't do it

out of spite or anything or because he didn't want us.

Now, it's just the kinda guy he is. He sticks to the rules.

Now, look, if I'm not angry, why should you be?

All right, I'm not angry.

I just don't like to see you hurt, that's all.

You are too good, that's your problem.

But then, of course, you're slightly mad,

which, I guess accounts for your, um, personality.

Bravo, Erica. The best performance you've had all year.

Anyway, he came to me after the show was over,

and he says, "Oh, I just love Ibsen.

It makes me so exhausted."

You know, I worked with him last year.

Wanted to do Canada,

but he couldn't bear to have his boyfriend near the actress.

Hey, Spotty, where the hell's the punch?

Here it is, the joy of life.

Hey Mother, gimme the sun, the sun!

Hey Todd, that's my line.

Well, I want you to go straight over there,

and get me a glass of punch.

- Hi! - Just watch.

Peter, you were great. I loved it!

Peter, Peter, Peter, darling,

- you were... - Oh, hi.

Oh, you were so wonderful!

And I just loved the performance.

I've never seen anything like it.

I was just telling George, "Was he not wonderful?"

Well, I had a lot of fun doing it.

- Here. - Oh, thank you.

Sorry to keep you waiting,

but I got waylaid by the mob back there at the punch table.

Oh, that's okay.

Well, what are we gonna talk about? The weather?

What's the matter? Is anything wrong?

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm always a drag at cast parties.

Well, what do you mean?

I dunno, I just get depressed when a show closes.

Well, you get to know people and then it's all over,

and you never see them again.

Oh, come on now.

We'll all be getting together again some time.

Oh, maybe I'll see you in the exams,

and I'll be so nervous I won't even recognize you.

Oh, cut it out. I'll be seeing you again real soon.

- Oh. - Next week.

- Sure, sure. - Oh, no, I mean it.

How 'bout having lunch with me?

Good. When?

- I dunno, Monday? - Fine. Where?

In front of the college, on the steps,

- one o'clock. - At one.

I got a whole week off in the middle of mine.

Oh, you lucky bastard.

Every year, you get a great schedule.

Every year, I get a crummy one. It's not fair.

So quit complaining. You're gonna get your usual D, Artie.

Oh, well, thanks for the encouragement.

Hey, Doug. You seen it yet?

Oh, I'll just go take a look at it later.

I got a whole week in the middle of mine. See?

Oh, aren't you great?

Just lucky.

Yeah, he's right up to here with it.

Now, come on, what's gotten you upset?

Well, I got four in four days.

He's afraid of getting chirospasm.

- What's that? - Writer's cramp.

Well, I mean, how would you feel?

- Four in a row. - Hey, Pete!

And my French is the last one of them too.

- I won't even have... - Hey, weren't you gonna ask him...

Yeah, I was. Well, thanks for reminding me, eh?

I'll see you guys later.

You better hurry. He's not gonna wait.

Boy, is he ever cool. He didn't even look at the schedule.

Yeah, isn't he?

- Hey, Pete! - Oh, hi Doug.

- Hi. How are you doing? - Not bad. How are you?

- Okay. God, bright day. - Yeah.

Hey, you see the exam schedule yet?

Yeah, I did. Really threw me when I saw it up there.

What'd you think of it?

I dunno. I guess they all have to be written.

Yeah, makes it easy though,

if they're not all jammed together, you know?

Yeah.

Poor old Artie. He's got four in a row.

Is that right? That's pretty rough.

Hey, well, look, I've been meaning to ask you.

We're having sort of a pre-exam party on Saturday.

I wondered if you wanted to, you know, stop by.

- Saturday. - Yeah.

Oh, I dunno, I've been meaning to go to the theater

on Saturday night.

Oh, it's okay. Look, you can stop by afterwards.

- Taking anyone? - Yeah.

Sandra said she wanted to go,

so I said I'd get her some tickets.

You're still going around with her.

Yeah. She's a real nice girl, Doug.

Yeah, nice and warm.

No, knock it off. You know what I mean.

She's real easy to get along with, a lot of fun, you know.

Well, obviously.

I haven't seen you around here for several weeks,

not since the play.

Well, I haven't had much time, you know,

with essays, exams.

- Hey, you heading this way? - Yeah.

Oh, come on. I'll walk you over.

I gotta get down to work sometime this afternoon.

- Right. - I'm way behind as it is.

I dunno why they have exams in the spring.

Man, how could anybody study on a day like this?

Well, it's one of these administrative plots

- to keep down the birth rate. - Yeah.

You know, back home, the weather never got like this

'til sometimes after Easter.

I bet they still have snow in Capreol today.

Hey, you remember that first snowfall in December?

- Yeah, how could I forget? - It's my first hangover.

I don't think I've been quite the same since.

- Well, neither have I. - You?

Yeah, I guess you have changed.

Hey, uh... I'll tell you what.

I'll race you over to the library, okay?

- Right. - Spring fever, man. Let's go.

Yeah, it really must be spring.

Yep.

Look, how long are you gonna be?

Oh, I dunno.

I plan on being finished in about an hour, I guess.

Okay, look, good. I'll stop by, and I'll pick you up.

- We can go for coffee. - Okay.

I was planning on meeting Sandra.

We can all go together then.

- Sandra? - Yeah, why not?

No reason. I just didn't wanna interfere.

Ah, you won't be interfering.

Yeah, well...

And you should get to know Sandra better anyway.

Okay, fine. We'll make it another time then, eh?

We'll see you there Saturday night.

Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll try.

Yeah, okay. Well, I'll see ya then.

Hi.

Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

Oh, just thought I'd look over the crop of freshmen

and see if I missed any.

Now, come on. What are you doing here, Bev?

I wanted to talk to you.

- What, now? - Well, why not now?

Well, you know that you're not allowed

in residence during the week.

Well, besides, I don't want that dean to catch you.

He's been pussy-footing around here lately.

Oh, come on, the dean.

Since when have you been such a stickler for rules?

I won't stay long.

- All right, come on in. - But keep your voice down.

- How's that? - Great.

Now, come on, get in.

So, how you doing?

Fine. How 'bout you?

- Oh, fine. - You look tired.

- Yeah, well, I am. - Working hard?

Yeah. Look, Bev, I can't stop to talk to you very long.

Oh, that's all right. I won't keep you.

I just wanted to talk to you.

We haven't talked in a long time, not really.

So what do you wanna talk about?

Well, I don't know exactly how to say it.

I don't even know exactly what it is I wanna say,

but, well, Doug...

Come on, what is it, Bev?

It's just that,

everything seems to have changed with us.

We used to go out and talk and have a good time.

Well, now whenever I wanna talk to you, you just...

oh, I don't know.

Well, everything was fine until you met Peter.

If I didn't know you better,

I'd swear you and Peter...

Oh, come on, Bev. Cut it out.

I don't think that's very funny.

I was only kidding, Doug. I'm sorry.

- Okay, I'm sorry too. - I didn't mean to snap at you.

There isn't another girl, is there, Doug?

No, it's nothing like that.

- Well, then I don't understand. - What is it?

Is it something I've done?

No, it's nothing you've done.

I don't wanna lose you, Doug.

I know I don't always know how to show it,

except physically,

but I do love you, Doug.

Love? What do you know?

You don't even know what love means, Bev.

Look, I'm sorry.

Well, it's just, the past couple of weeks,

I've been kinda hung up.

Tell me about it. Maybe we could discuss it or something.

Well, it's something I gotta work out by myself.

Doug, kiss me?

Oh, come on. You can do better than that.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Are we still going to the party on Saturday night?

Yeah, sure.

Enid wants us to come to dinner first.

- Oh, you lucky people. - The roast's a success tonight.

- Oh. - Oh, it looks great.

She says that every time.

Actually, Bev, your sister's a pretty good cook.

Cut out the flattery, and cut the roast.

- Yes, dear. - Fudge!

Oh, it just looks great.

Come on, let's get a move on here.

- Do you cook, Bev? - Take it easy.

Who, me? Are you kidding?

I just learned how to make Rice Krispies.

Actually, I couldn't make a thing 'til I was married.

- Says who? - Salad, Doug?

Oh, yes, thanks.

Don't think Doug wants

to eat residence food all his life.

- Really, dear? - Can I have the salad. Thanks.

- Hurry up with the roast. - Yes, dear.

- Pass the salt. - Oh, sure.

You didn't get any wine, Richard.

Sorry, but how many things do you expect me to do at once?

Come on.

Ah.

- Oh, never mind that, Peter. - I'll do it, it's okay.

No, it's all right.

I haven't done them since I was at home for Christmas.

It'll be fun.

Well, I guess there's some advantage

to being in residence.

Why the cynicism?

I'd go mad living with 200 girls for eight months.

200 girls for eight months?

Let's see, that'd be 1.4 girls a night.

I'd be pretty worn out by the end of the year, mind you,

by the time exams came around.

Well, dry the dishes, dear.

I'm afraid you'll have to hurry up.

I'm two steps ahead of you already.

Oh, well, put those things over there away.

Oh, what do I do with the wine?

Well, cork it and put it in the wine cellar.

The wine cellar.

- The fridge, silly. - Oh, the fridge, silly, hm.

I noticed Bev's stealing the show again tonight.

- Yeah. - Hey, where's Peter?

I thought you told me you invited him here tonight.

Yeah, well, I guess he couldn't make it.

Oh.

How did you enjoy the play?

Hm? Oh, wasn't bad, I guess.

How did you find out about this place anyhow?

Oh, I used to hang around here a lot a couple years ago.

Yeah? Where, in the wall?

Sorry.

I used to be a waitress, as a matter of fact.

Yeah? That sounds interesting.

Oh, it was.

I almost ran off with the owner. But that's another story.

How's the studying coming?

Oh, not very well.

I think I better buckle down

if I'm gonna hold onto this scholarship.

Oh?

- Hey, do you ever smoke? - Hm? No.

- You wanna try? - Hm?

- Here, try. - Sure.

- Have a go. - I think.

Amazing!

Yeah, I learn very quickly.

Gimme that. Don't put it out.

- Hey, Pete. - Hm?

- Pete, you there? - Oh, morning.

Morning. It's afternoon already.

- You missed the party. - Mm-hm.

So what's with you?

It was a long play.

- Sure. - A long, long play.

You're grinning at me like a Cheshire cat, man.

- What's up? - Yeah, it was a long play.

Then we went out and talked for a while and walked.

- You and, uh, Sandra. - Who else?

- Yeah, sure. - You reach any conclusions?

Hm? About what?

Well, about the play.

Oh, no, no. We didn't get around to talking about that.

You just walked and walked and walked

and talked about the moon, eh?

And then you, very nicely, shook her hand

and said, "Goodnight, Sandy."

I call her Sandra.

Oh, I think Sandy's good enough for old friends.

It's Sandra.

But we didn't shake hands.

You didn't shake hands.

Where's your manners, country boy?

I slept with her, Doug.

You what?

I slept with her.

Doug, you knew I was a virgin, didn't you?

Well, well, well, so you finally got her, eh?

I hope it didn't hurt too much.

What do you mean?

You know damn well what I mean.

Fast bitch actress like her.

She'd pick up a country frosh boy like you, you know?

You know why? Because no grown-up would lay a hand on her.

I wouldn't touch her myself.

After all, I've gotta consider my health.

- Well, I mean, really. - Get outta here.

- What's the matter, baby? - She giving you a rough time?

Philosophy and English!

April is the cruelest month,

breeding lilacs out of the dead land,

mixing memory and desire,

stirring dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm,

covering earth in forgetful snow,

feeding a little life with dried tubers.