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♪ I am an Islamist

♪ I am the Antichrist

♪ Most squares can't make the most-wanted list ♪

♪ But my, my, how I stay in style ♪ Cops chased me ♪ out of my mother's womb

♪ My crib was in state pen before age two ♪

♪ The cops had bugged my red toy phone ♪

So I devised a plan for heads to roll ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the USA ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the USA ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the

♪ USA

♪ Sharia law

♪ In the Had to pay ♪

♪ For the white man can take with two free hands ♪

♪ Imagine our debts cut in half ♪

♪ Our wives multiplied by the number four ♪

♪ Why, the president's daughters couldn't ask for more ♪

♪ One can lick my Afghan's clit ♪

♪ Wife three's ready to help as I keep screaming ♪

♪ Penetrate me with a strap-on dick ♪

♪ While a brother from New Orleans does you anally ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the USA ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the USA ♪

♪ Sharia law Sharia law ♪

♪ In the USA ♪

♪ Sharia law

♪ In the

♪ USA

[line ringing]

[Woman on phone] As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.

[Yusef] Wa-alaikum as-salaam, Ummi.

We miss you. How's Buffalo?

Al'hamdulilah.

Today I'm gonna check out a house.

The flyer says everyone there is Muslim.

Very good, bita. You can live with them.

Better than the dorms. Yeah.

They will keep you focused and out of trouble.

Insh'Allah. Insh'Allah.

[knocking]

Yusef? Yeah. Umar?

As'salaamu alaikum.

Wa-alaikum as-salaam.

So is everyone here Muslim?

From a certain point of view.

Yeah, I didn't expect the house to look like this.

Your room's over here, brother.

Sorry.

This is Mustafa's old room.

He was a brother from Egypt.

[chuckles]

You know, Mustafa used to get these for free

from the Saudi embassy all the time.

Y'akhi, when he was here,

that was when we really had it...

A house that was true to Islam.

Insh'Allah, we can return to that.

Insh'Allah.

♪ [taqwacore blaring]

♪ [continues] [door opens]

[groans]

Uh, you okay?

I am the Amazing Ayyub. Nice to meet you.

Do you live here, too?

Or, uh...

Yeah. Sort of, man. [sniffs]

Cool. Is that a fucking camera, dude?

This is, like, video, right?

Yeah. I meant to recharge the battery for that.

Uh, if you can please just...

Do you know anything about computers?

The password... I gotta reset it.

I should really get to studying...

[sneezes] Oh...

No, let me get that. I got it. I got it.

Oh, you're smearing it now. You're really smearing it.

Yusef, man, you're gonna fit in.

You're gonna fit in my balls. [laughing]

Welcome to the house.

Yeah, I feel really welcomed, thank you.

I'm just gonna...

[Woman] Salaam-alaik.

Wa-alaikum as...

I was just looking for something to drink.

Ah, well, there's plenty to drink.

No, I was thinking something halal.

Oh, halal. Well, you gotta be specific in this place.

[beer cans clattering on floor] [water running]

[water off]

Jazakullah khair. You're the new guy, right?

Salaam. I'm Yusef. I'm Rabeya.

[chuckles]

Have a seat.

Um, actually, I have to be going,

because I have, um...

I have, um, a class in a bit, so...

Oh, right, right. Every time a man and woman are alone,

Shayton is the third present. Yes.

No... I mean, no. That's not it. I... I just, uh...

Well, did you make your Fajr prayer yet?

Sorry. You have to count me out.

I'm ragging it.

Okay.

[Muslim call to prayer over speaker device]

Umar y'akhi?

Umar y'akhi?

Umar y'akhi, wake up. It's time for Fajr prayer.

[groans]

Salaam, Yusef.

Go make Wudhu. I'll follow after you. Okay.

[sighs]

[speaking foreign language]

♪ [electric guitar blaring]

♪ [continues]

[guitar stops]

♪ La ilaha illa Allah

Fuck.

Asalaams, man.

Wa asalaams. I'm Yusef.

Jehangir.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Fasiq. You're the new guy, right?

Yeah.

You should've been out here with us last night, y'akhi.

Oh, no. I'm not much of a partier.

[chuckling]

Well, no worries, man.

Come on. Get out here. Come on.

Yeah?

Come check out the view. Come on.

[chuckles]

Wa asalaams, man.

Calling us out to prayer on your guitar?

That's bid'ah.

Okay. It's bid'ah.

[grunts]

Hey, you know, uh, Umar,

it's only Muslims who use the term "innovation"

to mean something bad.

Hey, don't forget that you're Muslim, too.

Aren't you?

La ilaha illa Allah.

Umar y'akhi,

the adhan has been called.

If we're gonna pray...

let's pray.

[Man on TV] These Muslims don't respect freedom,

they don't respect capitalism, and they don't respect our way of life.

We can't coexist with these people.

And the liberals... they're starting to find that out.

Look, it's a proven fact.

It's been documented.

Radical Shiites are coming to America...

Shut the fuck up! And going on welfare.

Then they send their welfare checks back to Iran

to support its nuclear program.

Y'akhi,

it's not a good idea to be drinking tea.

Why not?

Caffeine is a stimulant.

You know, I wouldn't go as far as calling tea haram,

but it's at least makrooh.

Tea is makrooh?

Brother, it's a plague on the Muslim world is what it is.

Salaam.

[Rabeya] It's great.

All you need to get rid of Umar is a vagina!

Bro, how do you fix this thing, man? What are you doing?

Ayyub, come on. Please. You're gonna break my camera.

That was a present for Eid. Yo, fuck that shit.

Fix this, and let's go fucking skate.

Skate?

♪ [taqwacore]

[whooping]

[Man singing in foreign language]

Move, move, move! Move!

Fucking nuts.

Douche bag!

[laughing]

Yo, when you gonna hook it up with some of these taqwacore tapes, bro?

Ah, man. Those fuckers only put their shit out on vinyl, man.

Yeah, they like to be all orthodox about it.

But, uh, for you, Amazing Ayyub,

I think I can put something together.

Yeah? Yeah, man.

Thanks, bro. Absolutely, brother.

Absolutely. What do you guys mean by that?

What?

Taqwacores.

Aw, shit.

Yusef jaan. Come on, man.

How long have you been in the house for, brother?

Taqwacore.

Taqwacore, y'akhi.

Vote Hezbollah.

The Kominas.

One Trip Abroad. Al-Thawra.

Osama's Tunnel Diggers.

The West Coast Muslim punk scene.

Khalifornia.

Muslim punk scene? Yeah.

All the crazy fuck-ups and rejects of the community coming together, man.

They're starting bands, putting on shows.

Nobody likes them.

The Muslims say they're not really Muslim.

The punks say they aren't really punk.

What's a punk, in the first place?

I mean, who knows anymore, man?

Some say it's about busting social taboos.

Some say it's about being loud.

Everybody's got their own opinion.

What do you think it means?

I think it's just about being ugly.

That's why you can't be punk.

You look too good.

Watch this shit.

Oh, shit. Yo, check this out, check this out.

Y'akhi!

Ohhh!

Dude, are you okay? You all right?

That was fucking awesome, man! Hey, are you all right?

Yeah. Holy shit.

Fuck. Mash'Allah, man.

I was in the air so long it was like I had time to stop being nervous, brother.

Yusef, you gotta get that shit in a skateboard video, man.

Fuck that, dude. I'm gonna to land it right now.

Bullshit, you are. You okay?

Turn that shit off for a second.

Oh, sure. [clicks]

Listen, man,

next Friday, we're holding jumu'ah prayer,

and we're gonna do it right at the house.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Jehangir, who would come?

[Jehangir] These Muslims, y'akhi.

The ones who don't quite fit in at the Islamic center picnics.

The boys who miss their prayer.

The girls who date behind their parents' back.

The ones who ask too many questions during Saturday school.

I can't believe Umar's allowing this.

At the end of the day,

he'd rather see this than another party.

And, you know, y'akhi, deep down, even Umar knows

he doesn't quite fit in at the masjid anymore.

What do you think they see when he walks in the door?

What about an Imam?

Don't we need someone to lead this?

That's the best part.

It is said in the Qur'an

that Allah spoke directly to the Virgin Mary.

It is said that she was instructed

to teach Islam to her people.

She was told that something was going to happen,

and that thing did indeed happen.

And do you know what that sounds like to me?

It sounds like the Virgin Mary was a prophet of Islam.

So why do we not consider her one?

She wasn't given a Scripture,

but I say that her book was her son.

So that's my khutbah.

Let's pray.

Tekbir.

[All] Allahu Akbar.

Allahu Akbar.

[Man on phone] As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.

[Yusef] Wa-alaikum as-salaam, Abu. How are your classes?

Still straight A's? Yes, Abu. Al'hamdulilah.

How are your housemates? They keeping you in the Deen?

You reading your namaz regularly?

Uh, yes. Yes, Abu. Al'hamdulilah.

Oh, peace. Hello.

Hi, I'm Lynn. I'm a friend of Fasiq's.

I'm Yusef. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. So, is he here?

Is who here?

Fasiq.

Oh. Uh, I don't know. I think...

No, I don't think so, actually.

Oh. That sucks.

I just thought I'd try to say hi. [Jehangir] Lynn.

Jehangir! Salaam. How are you?

So what's the good word? Oh, I'm just out for a jog.

You don't come around much. I know.

I've been super busy with summer classes.

But I hear you guys are having Friday prayer now.

Yeah. Everyone's taking turns leading. Yeah?

It's beautiful. You gotta come out.

Oh, yeah? Totally. I'm there. Yeah.

Insh'Allah. [chuckles]

Well, um, I better get back to running.

But I'll see you guys soon.

Yeah. Insh'Allah. Bye.

Bye. Salaam, sister.

Wa-alaikum as-salaam.

Aghhhh! [laughs]

What?

Look at this. [keys jingle]

I got Omar's keys. Beer run?

[chatter on radio]

[Jehangir] You're frightening me!

[yells]

[laughing]

You're crazy.

You give it a shot, man. Give what a shot?

Come on. Yell something. What?

Come on. Here, up ahead. That old dude.

What? No. Come on. Don't be afraid.

Okay, okay. Uh, uh...

Uh...

Hurry up. Hurry.

You make me really nervous! [laughing]

What'd the guy do?

I... I don't think he understood what's going on.

[laughing]

It's fucking hilarious, man.

So, um, what's up with that girl Lynn?

What do you mean?

I mean, like, is she a Muslim?

She's a, uh, convert.

Or a revert, I'm supposed to say.

Oh.

You know, a Catholic girl who loved Rumi,

the whole idea of no priesthood.

One love.

One God.

All that shit, you know?

But I guess, uh, she kind of burnt out, man.

So, she's not a Muslim anymore?

You'd have to ask her about that, brother.

Here we go.

Right up here. Right here?

Yeah, yeah. Pull over. Hold on. I have to signal.

All right. You gotta signal.

Right here, right here. Turn the corner. Hold on. Let me signal.

My mom would be very proud of me right now.

Why? Hanging out with a...

A good boy like you, man.

Amazing Ayyub always hooks up the free booze, man.

Five bucks says he isn't wearing a shirt.

[yelling]

[laughing]

Yeah! [whooping] Give me some! Give me some!

[both yelling]

I'm so fucking happy you're here! [yelling]

Get on it! Get on it! Get on it!

Get on it! Yeah! [whooping]

Give me some. What the fuck are you fucks doing here, man?

[British accent] Well, we're here to undermine the fucking US economy,

so fill her up, mate!

Fill her up! All right. I'll be right back.

It's okay that he jumped on... Umar's not gonna notice, is he?

Aw, shut... Aw, dude, why do you worry so much?

I don't know... Worrying is a sin.

[laughing]

[yelling]

Oh, shit!

Aren't you gonna get in trouble for this?

Fuck this place, man. I make more loot

giving hand jobs at Niagara Falls, man.

Oh, great. Umar's gonna kill me.

Ahh. [yells]

[laughing] Dude, you want one? No.

Yeah. Here.

No, I don't want it. [car honking]

Fuck! Just a straight-edge guy, huh?

You're just all nice and all.

You guys, I gotta give these cum-buckets some gas. I'll be right back.

Asalaam. What do you guys want?

Asalaama-licka my balls, motherfucker.

What the fuck did you say? [clicking]

[foreign accent] Thank you. Come again.

Stupid motherfucker!

Fucking dick-wads! Fuck you!

Oh, shit! You didn't fucking kick my car, motherfucker!

Fuck you!

[Man yelling]

[Amazing Ayyub whooping]

Catch me!

[Man on TV] The desire for freedom resides in every human heart,

and that desire cannot be contained forever

by prison walls or martial laws or secret police.

Over time and across the earth, freedom will find a way.

[gunfire, Man yelling] [snoring]

[Rabeya] Hey, Yusef, is that you?

Uh, yeah.

Come in here a sec.

You want me to come into the room?

What the fuck do you think I mean by, "Come in here a sec"?

Um, okay.

♪ [taqwacore]

Hey.

♪ Stop the Hate ♪

♪ Stop the hate [ends]

[Yusef] I like your room.

It's a ceiling and some walls.

[Woman] ♪ Ohhh

♪ [taqwacore]

Who's this? Secret Trial Five.

They're an all-girl taqwacore band from Vancouver.

So, Lynn came by the other day.

She thinks you're cute.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I was kind of surprised, too.

Anyways, do you like her?

Oh, I mean, she's... She's nice and stuff,

but I... I don't know about, you know,

liking girls and stuff like that.

What? Okay. I mean, like,

finding out if someone likes you,

and then if you like them,

and then ask them if they want to go to the movies...

People don't do that anymore, Yusef. and stuff like that.

What do you mean? Basically,

you just hang out with someone,

and then sooner or later, you hook up with that person.

And then one of the people gets jealous,

so you decide to only hook up with each other,

and then...

bam, you're in a relationship.

Oh.

Why don't you just, like...

[laughs]

hang out with her and see what's gonna happen?

Okay. Cool.

What's this?

What?

This. You...

You crossed out a whole ayat in the Qur'an.

Yeah. Which one is that?

Let me see. Um...

4... 4:34.

Right. I didn't need that one anymore.

What, you just felt like

you could cross out the Word of God?

I mean, you can't do that.

Well, that ayat advises men to beat their wives,

so what do I need that for? No, you can't do that.

And, you know, most translators say that it means to beat lightly.

And there's a story of Job where he used a blade of grass.

Yeah, Yusef, I know.

I read what all the scholars said, okay?

Even the progressives. I did all the tap dancing

around that verse that a desperate Muslim could do.

And in the end, you know what I said?

I said, "Fuck it."

And now I feel a whole lot better about the Qur'an.

I mean, it's kind of weird coming from a girl in a burqa.

What about my burqa?

No, I mean...

I meant, uh, you know,

it must be kind of hard to, like, you know, read and stuff.

That's it. That's all I meant. Okay.

In the burqa.

Here.

Came out wrong. Sorry.

Here. This is for you.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Uh, I don't know. Why don't you wear it?

All right.

Well, don't expect me to wear this thing

around town and, like, campus and stuff like that,

because people are gonna think I'm weird.

That's fair. Just so you have it.

Okay. Well, al'hamdulilah.

Shut the door all the way.

Hey.

Why does Rabeya wear that full burqa?

What do you mean?

I mean, it's not for Sunna. We know that much.

You ever have a day

that you didn't want anybody looking at you?

You think that's why she wears it?

[Umar] Hey, what the fuck is this?

What?

What now?

This.

That's my Qur'an.

Yeah? What's it doing in the bathroom?

These are the words of Allah Subhanahu wa-ta'ala.

I left it there because it's fucking raining.

Weed's haram for a reason.

You do know that, right? No, no, no, no, no, no.

You see, the Qur'an only forbids alcohol.

It don't say shit about weed.

5:90, man!

2:219.

That shit is khamr as anything else.

The bathroom is filthy.

Well, the whole house is filthy.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

You know, back when Mustafa lived here,

it could have never looked like this.

No, let me tell you something about Mustafa.

Back when Mustafa lived here,

Rabeya could never sit in the fucking living room.

Hey, fuck off!

Fuck!

You know, Umar just thinks I'm up here getting faded,

but I know my shit.

Here,

in Surat Al-Hijr,

ayat 19 and 20.

Allah sent suitable things to grow on the Earth.

And with him are the treasures of everything in the world.

And he only sent them down in a known measure.

This tells us that things from nature

are a blessing from Allah.

And that he only sent us what we could handle.

Embrace it.

Yo, you pumped up for tonight's party man? Yeah.

Dude, I'm gonna get my dick wet. You're gonna get your dick wet.

It's gonna be fucking... [chattering]

Hey, uh... Hey, hey, hey. Sweet, bro.

I'm gonna stay back, okay? I...

No, it's not like that. I'm just gonna stay back.

All right. Then, uh, I'll just get the forties,

and the blunts, and the condoms.

Okay.

[whispers] Don't tell her you got herpes.

Leave me alone.

[mouths word]

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

Hey.

Hi.

As'salaamu alaikum.

Wa-alaikum as-salaam.

Fasiq's awesome, isn't he? What a great khutba.

Yeah. It was really out there.

So is Jehangir having another one of his parties tonight?

Yeah. Insh'Allah. It's so cool.

Friday afternoons, all these Muslims come out for khutbas,

and then at night the punks come in for beer and ass.

[chuckling]

I don't really think they're Muslims, though.

Why would you say that?

No, I mean like, from a traditional standpoint.

Personally,

I'm not big on the whole "Islam is one way" approach.

What do you mean?

I believe in Allah, you know?

I just... I don't always call it Allah.

I pray the way I want to pray.

Sometimes it'll be in a church and sometimes on a rug.

Interesting.

Sorry. I don't know. It's... No.

It's hard to explain sometimes.

It's okay. It's fine.

So do you consider yourself a Muslim?

I don't know. Why don't you

call Allah and ask Him yourself?

[chuckling]

Good one.

[horn honks]

Oh, my ride's here.

I'll see you tonight. Okay.

Salaam.

[car door closes, departs]

♪ [taqwacore] [people chattering]

[yells]

[Rabeya] Yusef. Hi.

Hi. You have to meet Fatima.

Fatima, this is Yusef. [both] Hi.

Nice to meet you. I'm Yusef.

Fatima just came back from San Francisco.

She was doing a documentary on the gay Muslim conference out there.

Yeah, "was" is right.

I thought it was gonna be this crazy scene,

but you'd be surprised how fundy

some of those dudes were out there.

What do you mean? Okay, they're totally strict

about prayers and everything.

And a lot of them will tell you straight up,

"Gay sex is sin." [laughing]

Can you imagine juggling that in your life?

Okay, but there was this one really awesome kid,

a guy named Muzzamil, Uh-huh.

And he's starting his freshman year at UB in the fall.

Yeah. So I'm going to introduce you guys when he gets here.

I think you'll really like him.

Uh, did you know that those have pork gelatin in them?

[mimicking Yusef] [groaning]

Uh, thanks. Sorry.

They're halal, you bitch.

I think, uh, Rabeya's mad at me.

Hey. Are you okay?

Did I ever tell you I grew up in a house full of women?

No, I don't think so.

Worked out. Always works out.

Mmm. Just give me one little kiss.

Uh...

Did you, uh... Did you meet that girl Fatima?

Yes, I met Fatima.

You know, it's funny you should mention Fatima. [coughing]

Why? Because, um...

So, uh, we're making out and whatever,

and, uh, I go for her tits.

And that's cool and she's cool.

So I put my hands between her legs.

I mean, she's liking it, so I go to unbutton her jeans.

And the next thing I know, she puts her hand over mine.

I'm thinking, "Fuck, that's it. It's done."

And she just looks at me. You know what she says?

"Sorry if this is a dumb question,

but if you were to, uh, uh"...

And she couldn't even get the fucking words out, man.

So I'm like, "Finger you?"

And she goes, "Yeah. Would that break the hymen?"

[Yusef] Wow.

What can you do after that? If I would've did shit,

I would've felt like a fucking child molester.

Fuck.

That's my jihad, man.

Jihad?

Yeah. The struggle between me and my nuts.

Greatest struggle, right?

Jihad against your nuts?

Yusef.

Oh, hey.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing? I'm good.

How are you? Good.

Glad you could make it. Oh, I live here.

Oh. Oh, my God, that's right.

Yeah. Duh.

So, it's a crazy house. Yeah, it's crazy.

He's drunk.

You should give me a tour.

[both chuckling]

Yeah. Uh, that's the kitchen.

Rabeya's room, the other side.

Upstairs bathroom,

and Fasiq's room is around the corner.

So, Yusef, are you a punk, too?

Me? No. Not really.

Well, maybe straight-edge.

Maybe. Yeah.

So where's your room?

Wow, Yusef. Yeah...

It's not as cool as everyone else's, but...

It's very nice. Thank you.

Is everybody else as clean as you are?

Uh, Umar's pretty neat.

Oh. Pakistan, right?

Yep.

I know my flags.

So have you ever been there?

I spent a summer there when I was ten.

Oh, really? Yeah.

How was it?

It was a different planet.

I can imagine.

Yeah, sometimes,

you know, I don't know where I feel more...

[chuckles]

What the fuck?

Nothing.

This isn't your first time with a girl, is it?

No, I've been with many girls.

I think it is.

With lots and lots and lots of girls, I've...

[sighs]

You know, I have a question for you.

Where's the romance in Islam?

Romance?

Yeah. Passion, Yusef.

Passion. Uh, well,

you get, uh...

You... You date after you're married.

Yeah. It's really hard to explain...

But that's the Islamic way?

Yes. Yeah.

I guess so. I don't know.

That doesn't make any sense to me.

Well, making out with random guys,

drunk at a party, doesn't make sense to me.

[scoffs] Okay.

Yeah, I hear you on that one.

What's your major again?

Engineering. Okay. Why?

What... Because... I don't know. What are you talking about?

Is it something that you are passionate about?

Or is it something that your parents want you to do?

What are you talking about? Don't assume...

Oh, bullshit, Yusef. You know anything about me,

because you don't. God!

Bullshit, Yusef!

You have a penis, a dick in those pants.

I know that you do. You can't hide it, Yusef. What?

You know what? You're messed up, okay?

I'm messed up? Yeah, you're messed up.

And... And, you know, were you ever a Muslim at all?

[scoffs]

[door opens]

[knock at door]

Come in.

Yusef? Yeah?

How are you?

Man, there's puke and piss everywhere.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

I, uh...

I can help you clean it up.

I'm gonna go get ready for Isha'a.

Wanna join me?

[Woman moaning]

What the fuck?

Yo, what up, dude?

You fucking junkie piece of shit!

Umar, stop.

[yelling] [grunting]

Umar, you're choking him!

[yelling]

I could kill you right now! What the fuck could you you do?

Where's your hidden Imam now? Huh?

Shiite piece of shit!

[Yusef] You're choking him!

[grunting]

You wanna fuck in my bed, you dirty fuck? You're choking him!

Come on, Umar. Let him go, let him go, let him go.

Come on. Fuck!

You crazy fuck!

Motherfuck... Motherfucker, what did you say to me?

Hey, back when Mustafa was here, nobody was fucking in my bed, you piece of shit!

Fuck!

[line ringing]

[on answering machine] Hi. This is Yusef.

Sorry that I can't answer the phone right now.

Please leave a message [beep]

[Woman] Yusef bita, where are you?

Why you taking days to return my call?

Is everything okay? Please call me back.

Your father's getting upset.

Khudhafiz.

Umar's a fucking cock.

Yeah, he is.

I mean, a fucking cock.

Yeah.

House ain't the same without Amazing Ayyub, man,

I'll tell you that.

Miss that fucking guy.

Insh'Allah, he'll be back.

Yeah. Insh'Allah.

All right, now hit me one deep, all right?

Same way I told you though, all right? All right.

Okay, ready? Go.

[thud] Sorry.

Last night, I had a dream I was, uh,

drinking with Johnny Cash.

Really? Yeah.

You ever listen to Johnny Cash?

No. I don't listen to country.

No, Johnny Cash isn't country, man.

Johnny Cash is bigger than country.

Johnny Cash is the fucking shit, man.

Johnny Cash rules the world!

Well, I didn't know that.

You didn't know, man. Now you know.

So what was the dream about?

We were in a bar.

We're sitting on a pair of stools,

downing shots, laughing.

And I just wished I could be him so fucking bad, man.

I wanted to be Johnny Cash more than anything.

He was just sitting there, and he was so fucking old

and withered.

I could see 10,000 years of pain and life on his face.

I was hurting on the inside so bad, man.

So fucking bad.

I wanted to be him so fucking bad.

A fucking every man beyond time and place.

That's what he is.

I can't be that guy, you know,

just talks to everybody.

Too wrapped up in my mix-matching

of disenfranchised subcultures, man.

Damn.

Yeah, I'm small.

Fucking small.

Fucking small. [mutters]

I'm really gonna do it, man.

Do what? Put on a show.

Yeah, a punk show. A Muslim punk show.

Punk show.

Call the taqwacore bands out West.

Find a date when they can all make it.

I think it can work. Yeah. Where?

Anywhere, man.

Who would come? A ton of people would come.

Come on. We got a ton of Muslims

coming to the house Friday afternoon for prayers.

Yeah. A lot of kufr punks

coming to the house Friday nights.

Get them all in one place at the same time.

That's a lot of heads.

This shit's gonna happen.

Okay.

[Jehangir] ♪ Allahu

♪ Allahu

♪ Allahu Akbar

♪ Allahu

♪ Allahu Akbar

♪ Allahu

♪ Akbar

♪ Allahu

♪ Akbar

♪ [vocalizing]

Ah!

Give it up for Ms. Muzzy. [cheering]

Come on, baby. Give it up for Ms. Muzzy.

Come on!

There you go. There you go.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Okay. Proper introduction.

Yusef, this is Muzzamil.

I told you about him a few weeks ago.

Hi, I'm Yusef.

Call me Ms. Muzzy. [laughter]

Yusef jaan, you won't believe it, man.

Muzzy's telling us about the taqwacore scene out in San Fran.

Well, it's only a few bands right now, but it's a lot of good energy.

Yeah? So who are the biggest ones out there?

The Ghilmans mainly. Holy shit.

They fucking rock. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm trying to get them out to my show this winter.

Oh, that'd be fucking hot.

You know which is another good band to look out for?

The Guantanamo Bay Packers.

They've got really good songs.

So try and get them out too, okay?

Hey. Insh'Allah.

So, Ms. Muzzy, tell me, why the hell would anyone

leave San Francisco for this fucking shit-hole?

Come on. Well, she could have gone to Berkeley or something.

Well, it's an interesting little story behind that.

You see, my parents believe

that if you could take me out of the gays,

you could take the gay out of me. [laughter]

So, they're, like, really funny like that.

[laughter continues]

Yusef y'akhi.

So, you coming with me tonight? Uh, yeah, yeah.

So, uh, where you guys going?

Rochester Mosque.

Oh.

What, uh, we aren't invited?

I wanna pray. [Fasiq] Me too, man.

Huh?

I can't believe I'm taking you freaks to the masjid.

Aw, whatever, dude.

At least the girl decided not to come.

Just don't tell anybody Ms. Muzzy's gay, and we'll be fine.

Don't do that around me. Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. What the fuck?

No beer or weed at the mosque.

I wouldn't smoke in the mosque.

No. Thank you. [mutters]

Oh. Surprise.

What's up, daddy? You wanna feel up inside my pussy and see what's inside of there?

Shut up. Honestly, not today. Ow.

Hey, take off the makeup.

No gay material.

No fag porn in my car. Shut the fuck up.

Sorry. I had to change my pants

and put my nice pants on.

You okay?

[Jehangir] I love masjids, man.

No statues, no pictures.

Nothing's imposed on you. Nothing's in your way.

[Ms. Muzzy] You know, the only thing

that made me uncomfortable in masjids were people.

Without them here, it's not so bad.

[Umar] We should make two nafl rakats

out of respect to the masjid.

[whispers] Psst. Hey. Come here.

What is that?

My gift to the masjid.

It's a novel.

First-ever punk novel.

Punk novel? Yeah.

This kid, Gideon Sams...

He was 14 when he wrote it.

Reading this book...

It's like listening to a Sahaba.

Who knows who'll find it, you know?

Yeah. Maybe someone cool.

Did he write anything else?

Sheikh Sams? Yeah.

I don't think so.

He died when he was 26.

26?

26.

Yeah. The punk wasn't meant to be anything big, you know?

It just kind of happened.

Just kind of happened.

Alayhe salaam.

Y'akhi. Huh?

It's good to lay with your head facing qiblah.

Right. Right, right, right.

What you got there, Pakistan?

It's a classified section

where parents look for suitable partners for their kids.

You're kidding me, right? No.

Get this one. "Egyptian parents looking

"for correspondence for their daughter.

"Looking for Arab origin, USA born,

never married, and a professional in medical field."

Wow.

These people are crazy. Yeah.

Could you imagine if we responded to these posts? [chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

As'salaamu alaikum. I'm Yusef. Uh...

Pakistani, Sunni origin,

engineering student, and a good family.

[doorbell rings]

As'salaamu alaikum.

I'm Fasiq.

No degree, but, uh, I'm in pharmaceuticals.

[doorbell rings] Hey. As'salaamu alaikum, auntie.

I'm Jehangir. I'm here to marry, um...

What was your daughter's name again?

[doorbell rings]

As'salaamu alaikum.

I'm Umar. Your ad is haram.

[doorbell rings]

Marhaba, I'm Muzzy.

I'm here to sit on your son's face.

Okay.

We are turning to the Surat Al-Nur,

the 35th ayat.

[reading out loud in foreign language]

Fasiq, brother, please keep awake.

Sorry, Umar.

Mash'Allah.

Allah Subhanahu wa-ta'ala

is the light of the heavens and the earth.

Allah Subhanahu wa-ta'ala.

Light is like a lamp inside a niche.

[sighs]

Let's just pray Fajr and go home.

Jehangir, you sober?

Sober as you are, man.

You wanna lead?

Yeah.

Allahu Akbar.

[Man on TV] Now, they say that your book is pioneering a whole new Islam.

Surely you must be receiving all kinds of death threats from angry Mohammedans.

[Woman] Well, it's not easy being the voice of my generation,

but I think that my struggle is to reclaim true Islam

from those who have taken it hostage, or hijacked it, if you will.

Muslim men. They just wanna lock you up in the house, right?

Absolutely. If they had their way,

I'd be under one of those hideous burlap sacks

that they make their women wear.

[Amazing Ayyub chuckles]

[whispers] Hey.

Yo.

How are you? I'm good.

Listen, I brought you something.

Two, uh...

[chuckles]

Two Friday's from now, I'm gonna give a sermon.

I want you there, okay? Of course.

And I want you to present this to Umar.

This is how you're gonna get back in the house. Read this later, all right?

But whatever points are in here, I want you to bring up.

All right? You'll be back in the house.

Everything will be good to go. All right?

Dude, how the fuck is Umar gonna let me back in the house, man?

He acts like he owns that shit.

Fuck that, man. Fuck Umar.

He's never gonna let me back in the house, man.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck Umar? Okay, fuck you.

Me? Dude, I'm not a fucking nazi piece of shit like him, man.

Fuck you. He called me a Shiite piece of shit.

He's a fucking Nazi, dude. Fuck you.

He's a fucking hypocrite. Fuck you.

He's got tattoos all over his body. Fuck you.

That's haram like a motherfucker, dude. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

What are you willing to give up to be in that house?

Think about that, man.

Read through that. I'll see you in two weeks.

Okay? Okay.

[chattering]

[Fatima clicks tongue] Stop it.

These dumb bitches with all of this airbrushing.

Like any of this is real. [chuckling]

How can that really be someone's lips? It's like... [buzzing sound]

Gross. It's call collagen, sweetie.

Some white chicks do that. They ain't got our nice ethnic lips.

Whites just gotta put some, like, pig shit up in there.

Some of that pig fat. [Rabeya laughing]

So, Yusef, like, what do you like?

Do you like the girls with the big fat lips, like, down there or up here or...

[laughter]

What do you like to jerk off to, sweetie?

Um...

I think you touched a nerve!

Yusef, do you not jerk off?

That's not a nice question to ask someone.

Oh, no! Ohh!

[Rabeya] You like girls, right? Of course.

But you're not doing anyone?

No, I'm not doing anyone. God, Yusef!

You're the only sophomore at this school who's never touched his penis!

[Ms. Muzzy] Oh, man! Yusef, you gotta take care of that.

I don't like to self abuse, and you guys shouldn't do that either.

Sweetie, it's not abuse. It's fun.

[Rabeya] I'll tell you what's wrong with not masturbating, Yusef.

If you keep that shit inside you,

it will poison you and make you do fucked-up things.

Look at the Catholic priests. [Ms. Muzzy] Wait a second.

Wait a second. Fatima here has been quiet.

Quiet as a mime.

Uh-huh.

[laughing]

What? I... I don't know anything.

I think it's different for guys than it is for girls.

Oh, shut up! Maybe, but what does that have to do

with being afraid to touch your own freaking anatomy?

Sweetie, you know how it works, right? You've looked down there?

Stop! Jeez. Yeah, I know. You know you don't have to stick anything in, right?

Yes!

Did you not learn anything in sex ed?

My mom took me out of school that week. Oh, God!

Of course she took her out.

She's, like, "Oh, no. My daughter's gonna see a penis.

We can't let that happen." [Rabeya] All right.

We're gonna have to reframe and do a little va-jay-jay 101!

[all whooping] Okay. I should go. I should go.

I'm gonna write a couple things on the black... Oh, we have a fugitive.

Okay. I should really go and... and work on my paper.

It's due tomorrow. No, Yusef. Stick around.

You could learn a thing or two from me.

Rabeya, Rabeya, we've gotta clear out the cobwebs first,

so let's let the fella go. Stop!

That's really inappropriate, Muzzy. Thanks, Ms. Muzzy.

Wait. Hand me that.

You need this more than they do.

Goddamn it!

Vaginal lesson number one is: this is a tampon.

[Ms. Muzzy] Ooh, that's a good one. Thank you.

[Fatima] I don't use those. Tampons do not

de-virginize you, okay?

Even if the hymen is broken by a tampon,

it doesn't mean you're not a virgin anymore.

Say good-bye to the maxi pad. Tampons coming!

[gasps]

[Man on phone] Yusef? As'salaamu alaikum.

On what days will you be coming home this semester?

Abu, I think I'm gonna stay in Buffalo during the breaks.

Why, Yusef? What's the reason to stay?

I just... I just wanna hang out here.

Hang out? What does that mean, "hang out"?

Abu, I gotta go. I gotta catch a bus.

Yusef! Yusef, don't rush me!

Sorry. Sorry. I gotta go!

[click] Yusef?

Astaghfur'Allah!

[yelling]

Fucking... Fuck...

Stop, stop, stop. Stop! Stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Yusef, let him go!

Let me go. Let me talk to him, let me talk to him.

No, you talk from here, all right? All right?

My fucking sheets are still stained 'cause of him.

My fucking sheets are still stained 'cause of you! You know that?

Fuck, dude! How many fucking times I gotta say I'm fucking sorry?

"Free themselves from the unrightful prejudice

toward specific sects." I don't give a fuck about that!

Dude, this is the official fatwa of Shaykh Mahmud Shaltut!

What the fuck you talking about?

Umar, listen to me. Listen to me! [yelling]

Calm down.

You really gonna deny a brother Friday prayer?

You want to answer to Allah for that?

Fucking think about it.

[Umar] Fuck!

Whatever.

Put a fucking shirt on this guy! We'll get a shirt.

We'll get you a shirt.

♪ Yeah

♪ Suicide bomb the Gap

[mutters]

Dude, it's so fucking good to be back, man.

Khutbah.

[off]

Islam is a fucking surrender.

That's it.

Knowing that you don't run the show,

staying mindful of it in everything you do.

Take your hands off the wheel.

See how it feels.

Islam isn't about ayats, and Hadiths,

and niches, and lamps.

It's about us.

All of us.

Allah is too big and too open

for my Islam to be small and closed.

I'm so Muslim.

I am so Muslim

I can say, "Fuck Islam."

You know, Imam Husain said,

"He has no religion.

Let him at least be free in his present life."

[clears throat]

Let's pray.

♪ [taqwacore]

♪ [continues]

Jehangir,

that was a beautiful khutbah today.

Amazing. I've never heard anything like it, man.

Yeah?

Bombs away, baby.

Ugh! Whoo!

I'm putting on a fucking show, baby.

Yeah. Goddamn right.

Been calling all my boys out West.

They're coming in a big fucking taqwacore caravan.

We're gonna set it off. Set it off real fucking nice.

When? December 21.

Where? Right here, baby.

Insh'Allah. Insh'Allah.

[both laugh]

I can't believe you got the Ghilmans to come out.

And Al-Thawra. Like, it's getting serious.

[British accent] Yes, yes, yes. This place is gonna get overrun

with fucking taqwacore, and it's gonna be so good.

I'm really excited.

What... What about what's-her-face?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dee Dee Ali and the guys are in.

Osama's Tunnel Diggers.

They're in there. We just threw them in there for youse.

Another band wants to make it out.

That's cool. Yeah.

Which one?

Bilal's Boulder.

No fucking way, Jehangir.

Those guys are bad news.

Yeah, I mean, they kind of are, but, uh,

they're good at what they do.

Bilal's Boulder?

They don't even allow girls at their show.

Look, I know, but they're taqwacore.

They're gonna piss the other bands off.

Yeah, and we're telling them it's an all-gender show right off the bat.

If they don't like it, they don't have to come.

Jehangir, they're a bunch of cocks.

Muzzamil jaan, if we deny a band their spot

because we don't like their attitudes or their interpretations,

then, really, it makes us no different

than those who've excluded us.

Okay. All right?

All right.

Bilal's Boulder. Cool.

So, how many people are gonna be staying here?

I don't know. I mean,

with the bands and all the scenesters making it out,

um, a lot of people, brother.

A lot of people. Where they all gonna sleep?

In the halls, in the basement, in your bedroom.

Listen, some of these taqwacores are girls.

Yeah.

You got liwaticore bands coming out? Yeah, we do.

What, you got them all sleeping together... the guys, girls, and liwats?

Piece of shit. I'm having a fucking conversation.

Hold this.

Just relax, relax, relax, relax, relax.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me, look at me.

I knew the guy-and-girl thing was gonna bug you,

so I invited the liwats so they could turn all the guys gay.

That way you don't have anything to worry about.

Okay? Insh'Allah, it's gonna be fine.

This is fucking funny to you, isn't it? No, this is fucking funny.

Everything's a fucking joke! Relax, relax.

Listen... Listen, you need to fucking listen to me, okay?

You need to be fucking careful. Hug me.

Anything goes wrong with this shit, and it's on you this time.

I'm not cleaning up your fucking mess. Get the fuck off me.

Give me a hug. Piece of shit.

Wait. Come back. Give me a hug.

Muzzamil doesn't want you to leave. Do you want him to leave?

Yeah, he can go fuck himself.

He said he loves you.

Umar. Umar.

Are you okay?

Everything's fine.

You don't seem okay.

Is that why you're here?

I...

I wanted to ask you something.

Shoot away.

Why can't we all be in the same room together

and get along?

Have you seen the fucking parties in my hallway?

Huh? Have you seen the walls in this house?

The people that come into this house?

We got that fucking liwat hanging out upstairs.

That's not his name.

Fuck his name.

I just... I just think it's really disrespectful...

The way you are to people.

That's all I had to say.

What, is that Jehangir talking?

Huh?

It's not you, Yusef.

It's not you talking, man.

Fuck!

[Man on TV] So, Imam, what you're saying is the Republican Party

should be doing more outreach to American Muslims?

[Imam] Yes, yes, yes. Because Muslims and Christians share the same values.

We are both opposed to some of these crazy social trends that you see today.

"These crazy social trends"? Like what, gay marriage?

Absolutely. Christians and Muslims should stand united

against the homosexual agenda invading our country.

Wow. Imam, I gotta tell you, I'm really touched here.

I feel like we've built some bridges tonight.

[coughing]

Yusef.

Yeah?

Come out here a second.

Okay.

So, what's up?

One of the bands called up Jehangir

from a gas station, like, an hour ago.

Yeah?

They'll be coming any minute now.

[chuckles] I can't wait.

Is that all? No.

I think I figured it out.

Figured what out?

Why Rabeya wears a burqa.

Why?

For the same reason I got this.

[horn honking]

Ohh, shit.

Dee Dee Ali, the queen of taqwacore!

[laughing] Hey!

Yeah! Hi.

What's up, mama?

Fuck, you look great.

Look at that. Is that Secret Trial Five?

We made these on the bus when we were on tour together. Shit, that's fucking clean.

That's beautiful. Let me grab that from you. You can grab that.

What the hell you got your pants down for, man? I was in the shitter.

I knew it. What the shit is this?

What? What's this fucking nuts? It's fucking freezing out here.

Come on. We're in Buffalo, baby.

The coldest Muslims on the fucking planet.

You better get me inside and warm me up. Want me to warm you up?

Tonight we party. Tomorrow's the show.

Bring it!

[grunts] [laughing]

[yelling] ♪ [taqwacore]

[whooping]

Oh, man. Look at these guys.

Pretty punk rock, huh?

The Star of David? Yeah, man.

It's like, uh...

It's like Sid Vicious wearing the swastika.

You know, punk's all about pissing people off,

and, uh, Taqwacore is punk rock for Muslims.

This is punk up the fucking ass, man.

[grunts, laughs]

But what's the point? I mean, you're just offending people.

You're just getting everyone all riled up.

What do you mean? Huh?

As'salaamu alaikum! Wa-alaikum as-salaam.

Kahif alaikum, y'akhi!

Good, good.

How you doing? Good.

Man, I'm the fucking proof

of everything this fucking shit says.

The whole shit.

The Qur'an tells you not to drink, right? Yeah, yeah.

Don't fucking drink. I went ahead and I fucked that all up.

I fucked my whole life up by fucking fingering little schoolgirl's twats,

and then fucking puking in their hair.

That's the kind of shit that I do.

That's my life.

Qur'an tells you to keep your dick dry until you're married, right?

You keeping your dick dry? Yes.

You know how many haram cunts I've had?

Now I got green shit coming out of my dick,

and I've got cauliflowers coming out my asshole.

You want cauliflowers growing out your asshole?

No. So read your fucking Qur'an!

Get it right in there! Get your fucking Qur'an right in there!

Get it right in here, and live it out!

And don't forget, or else you're gonna end up like me.

Go fucking back to medical school.

Be a fucking good Muslim doctor.

Oh, hey! As'salaamu alaikum, man.

Guys, it's fucking Bilal's Boulder.

What's going on, brother?

Wa-alaikum.

What's going on?

Brother, we just came to say salaams.

We're sleeping in the van.

Nah, brother. We got plenty of room here.

I mean, not plenty of room, but, you know, we got a big-ass house.

What's four more guys? Brother, Al'hamdulilah.

Thank you so much, but we are sleeping in the van.

Y'akhi, it's fucking freezing outside.

Come on now. You guys don't know how Buff...

We are okay.

Hamdullah.

I've never seen such scary dudes with such soft voices.

Yeah, they're a different bunch.

They're a bunch of cocks, Jehangir.

They're decent guys.

They're just a little rough to deal with sometimes.

All right? They're hate-mongers.

If they had the chance, they would have thrown me from a minaret.

[Jehangir] Yeah, Muzzamil.

They hate you. They hate me, too.

They hate all of us for something.

Look at us. We're the ones

that have always been excluded, afraid to be ourselves.

And now what? We get our own scene,

and we start pushing people to the sidelines?

Does that make sense? Fuck that.

Fuck being as small as they are.

Be big.

Be bigger than them. [can clattering]

[Woman] Hey! [murmuring]

Hey, yo, brother. [Woman] Oh, my God.

What's up, man? [people] Hey!

Man, hey. What's going on?

I'm going to be with our guests.

[dog barking, distant]

I ever tell you about the band I had out West?

No. [snorts]

You had a band?

Yeah.

We called ourselves, uh,

Hi, My Name is Allah.

It was the most blasphemous thing

we could think of.

Though our intentions were pure,

we came off as pretty fucking disrespectful, man.

What happened to the band?

I couldn't do it anymore, man.

Whenever I sang, I used to get these, uh,

awful fucking stomachaches, man,

like a mess of fucking opened scissors

jumbled up inside me.

My own body was disagreeing with me.

[grunts]

You okay?

Fuck, Yusef.

[cans clattering]

There's all these ayats and Hadiths

about making divisions in your religion.

And there's gonna be 72 sects of Islam

at the end of the world, right?

But only one can be right.

What if we're another one of those wrong sects?

No, this is not a sect.

Yeah, that's why I invited Bilal's Boulder.

Yeah, they're cocks, y'akhi.

They're fucking cocks. We all know they're cocks.

This isn't a sect if we keep it open, man...

if we don't form the farqa,

the groups.

[sighs]

Please, Allah.

I know you have no reason to listen to me,

because I'm shit.

Please,

don't make this a sect.

♪ [taqwacore song from soundtrack]

[no audible scream]

♪ [Man singing, indistinct]

♪ [continues]

♪ [continues] [no audible dialogue]

♪ [stops]

[knock at door]

As'salaamu alaikum.

Wa-alaikum as-salaam.

I'm Harun.

I write Ordinance Twenty.

Ordinance Twenty, the taqwacore zine?

So it really happened like that, huh?

Yeah. Oh.

That makes him, like, a martyr, right?

I mean, I don't know If I'd...

I'd put it like that exactly.

Fair enough. Uh, what about his stuff?

Is any of it still here? No.

What happened? It all got thrown out.

All right. Um, what was he really like?

I mean, you know, did he pray five times a day?

What... What did he do?

You know what?

Can we please just let him rest?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Um, well, the others in the house...

I mean, there was the girl in the burqa,

the Shia skinhead, uh, that straight-edger...

They all moved out.

And in a couple days,

I will be out of here, too, you know, so...

Oh.

Well, I gotta tell you, brother, I...

I don't know... Especially looking around, I...

I didn't expect someone like you to answer the door.

I guess I just was thinking maybe,

you know, it would be someone more...

I don't know. You know, more like a...

Like a punk?

Yeah, more like a punk.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Yeah, here we go

♪ Every land is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura

♪ Every land is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura

♪ Every land is Karbala

♪ Girl, you know I want a hand job ♪

♪ Why won't you milk me

♪ And I'm burning up your oil fields ♪

♪ [continues]

But, you know, all I want is a hand job.

♪ Every land is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura

♪ Every land is Karbala

♪ Girl, you know I want a hand job ♪

♪ Why won't you milk me

♪ [continues in foreign language]

♪ [continues]

[Man speaking English, indistinct]

♪ Girl, you know I want a hand job ♪

[Man continues speaking]

♪ Girl, you know I want a hand job ♪

♪ Every day is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura [Man speaking in foreign language]

♪ Every day is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura

♪ Every day is Karbala [Man continues in foreign language]

♪ Every day's Ashura

♪ Every day is Karbala

♪ Every day's Ashura

[screaming]

[coughing]