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1
00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:11,761
(VOCALIZING)
2
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,897
♪ Rise and shine
Rise and shine
3
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,310
♪ If I have to say it again
4
00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,062
♪ Gonna be a foot
in your behind
5
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,494
♪ Rise and shine
6
00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:25,945
♪ Come on, Junior,
rise and... ♪
7
00:00:25,946 --> 00:00:27,066
Hey.
8
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:29,819
(SNIFFS) Oh!
9
00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:33,452
(EXCLAIMS)
10
00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:35,504
All right. Calisthenics.
Two minutes. Downstairs.
Let's go.
11
00:00:35,496 --> 00:00:39,156
Calisthenics?
Mom never made us
do calisthenics.
12
00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,370
Yeah, well, your mom
is out of town
for six weeks,
13
00:00:41,372 --> 00:00:43,162
so I got time to
whip your little butts
into shape.
14
00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:45,264
Come on. Let's go.
Come on.
15
00:00:45,256 --> 00:00:47,166
All right, don't make me
dig these dirty drawers
out of here.
16
00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:48,588
(EXCLAIMS)
17
00:00:48,589 --> 00:00:49,719
I'm up.
18
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,340
All right, let's go.
Come on.
19
00:00:53,474 --> 00:00:55,854
All right,
jumping jacks on three,
20
00:00:55,846 --> 00:00:57,386
(Y.M.C.A. PLAYING)
two, one.
21
00:00:57,388 --> 00:01:00,598
♪ Young man
Throw your hands in the air
22
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:04,531
♪ I said, young man
Who said life would be fair?
23
00:01:04,525 --> 00:01:06,355
♪ I say, young man
24
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,147
♪ Come look at me
I lost hair
25
00:01:08,149 --> 00:01:12,689
♪ But you don't see
me complaining
26
00:01:12,693 --> 00:01:15,703
♪ Where's Claire?
She's not coming down yet
27
00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:18,656
♪ I said, there's Claire
We got a straggler...
28
00:01:18,659 --> 00:01:20,499
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)
Hey.
29
00:01:21,462 --> 00:01:23,002
This is stupid.
30
00:01:24,415 --> 00:01:25,705
Claire?
31
00:01:25,706 --> 00:01:27,466
Yeah?
32
00:01:27,468 --> 00:01:29,508
What's different
about you?
33
00:01:29,510 --> 00:01:33,050
What are you talking about?
I just pulled my hair back.
That's all.
34
00:01:33,053 --> 00:01:36,483
Well, whatever it is,
you look like
a whole new person.
35
00:01:36,477 --> 00:01:38,807
Go on.
Step in line.
Let's go.
36
00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,599
Why do we have
to do this?
37
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,931
Because your mom is
away with Grandma
until her leg heals,
38
00:01:43,934 --> 00:01:47,234
and while she's away,
we're gonna do things
by my rules.
39
00:01:47,228 --> 00:01:49,438
Because it takes a village.
40
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,730
And right now,
this is my village,
and you're my village people.
41
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,905
(TURNS ON MUSIC)
42
00:01:55,906 --> 00:01:57,406
Go on.
43
00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,158
♪ ...M.C.A.
44
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,240
Come on.
45
00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:03,451
♪ Y.M.C.A.
46
00:02:03,454 --> 00:02:07,344
♪ You don't have to look mad
But you all look sad
47
00:02:07,338 --> 00:02:12,838
♪ But if you don't
I'm going to be a hero
48
00:02:14,014 --> 00:02:15,354
♪ You don't go...
49
00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:21,679
Come on. Come on.
Get your hands up.
Come on.
50
00:02:21,682 --> 00:02:23,352
Kick it. Shake it.
51
00:02:25,726 --> 00:02:28,146
♪ YMCA... ♪
52
00:02:40,991 --> 00:02:44,381
Daddy, my ponytail
won't stay up.
53
00:02:44,375 --> 00:02:46,495
Oh, let me fix
that for you.
54
00:02:47,288 --> 00:02:48,628
Let's see.
55
00:02:50,961 --> 00:02:52,961
Exactly what I'm gonna do.
56
00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,471
Perfect.
57
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:06,403
This looks stupid.
Mommy wouldn't
do it like that.
58
00:03:06,397 --> 00:03:07,567
Well, baby,
Mommy's not here,
59
00:03:07,568 --> 00:03:09,268
so we're gonna
have to make do.
60
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:10,980
I already did that.
61
00:03:12,813 --> 00:03:15,913
I know. You probably
really miss
your mommy, huh?
62
00:03:15,906 --> 00:03:19,236
More and more every day.
63
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,200
Well, is there anything
I can do to help out
and make things better?
64
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,542
Take this stupid tape
off my head
and go get her.
65
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,998
Well, I can take
the stupid tape
off your head.
66
00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:33,711
(MIMICS KADY)
But I can't go get her.
67
00:03:35,175 --> 00:03:37,465
There.
68
00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:41,798
Can you make those
peanut butter marshmallow
cookies that Mommy makes?
69
00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,182
I can try.
70
00:03:43,183 --> 00:03:45,853
Okay, but they
better be good.
71
00:03:45,846 --> 00:03:47,476
That's pressure.
72
00:03:50,691 --> 00:03:52,351
Hey, morning, Son.
73
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:56,244
Look at my clothes.
74
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,116
What's the matter?
You look great.
75
00:03:58,118 --> 00:03:59,858
What did you do?
76
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,700
I put starch
in your clothes,
77
00:04:01,702 --> 00:04:04,462
and I put enough to last
until your mother came home.
78
00:04:04,455 --> 00:04:06,165
I look ridiculous.
79
00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:09,206
No, you don't.
You look...sharp.
80
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,330
(SCOFFS)
81
00:04:11,332 --> 00:04:12,582
So what are
you up to?
82
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:13,713
Yeah.
83
00:04:15,175 --> 00:04:17,045
I'm trying out for
the basketball team today.
84
00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:20,877
Really? Well, listen,
don't put too much pressure
on yourself about doing that
85
00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:24,391
because, for one,
you're not that good.
86
00:04:24,385 --> 00:04:26,935
And two,
you're not that good.
87
00:04:27,848 --> 00:04:29,268
Very funny, Dad.
88
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,439
Now, all I'm saying, Son,
is art is your strength. Okay?
89
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:36,243
These kids that get
bussed in from the city,
basketball is their dream.
90
00:04:36,236 --> 00:04:38,446
And in some cases,
it's their only option.
91
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:40,949
Well, I'm gonna
make the team
even if it kills me.
92
00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:42,611
That's the right attitude.
93
00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:45,373
And I'm gonna miss you.
94
00:04:45,366 --> 00:04:47,616
Dad, Coach said
I set a great pick.
95
00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:49,788
And nobody can take
a charge like me.
96
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,460
Well, if basketball
don't work out,
97
00:04:51,462 --> 00:04:54,002
you'll make a great
crash test dummy.
98
00:04:55,716 --> 00:04:58,676
(STAMMERS)
And... Whoa.
99
00:04:58,679 --> 00:05:00,919
What is all of this?
100
00:05:00,921 --> 00:05:03,051
Oh, isn't it cool?
And look here.
101
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:06,313
No, it is not cool.
Go wash that junk
off of you.
102
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,886
Why? It's just glitter.
103
00:05:07,888 --> 00:05:11,768
No, it's just
subliminal advertising
to little horny boys.
104
00:05:11,772 --> 00:05:13,192
What?
Yeah.
105
00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,283
This right here,
that goes,
"Oh, look, right here.
106
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:18,395
"Now, right here
is where you
wanna be focused."
107
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,240
And the back says,
"Hey, I got a little
sparkly thing.
108
00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:26,123
"But it don't shine
like my behind."
109
00:05:27,538 --> 00:05:28,948
Everybody's doing it.
110
00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:30,449
Everybody?
111
00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:33,581
It's fashion.
This is something Mom
would definitely let me do.
112
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:37,054
Well, I must be
an old fuddy-duddy,
because I don't like it.
113
00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:38,507
You won't let me
do anything.
114
00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:40,959
I can't get anything pierced.
You won't let me get a tattoo.
115
00:05:40,961 --> 00:05:42,921
I know, I don't
let you carry the gun.
116
00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:46,973
I don't let you
shoot up heroin.
I'm just a bad dad.
117
00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:49,307
You need to get
with the times.
118
00:05:49,309 --> 00:05:53,269
Okay, look, if you
wanna wear that stuff,
go ahead. Fine.
119
00:05:53,273 --> 00:05:54,103
What do you mean?
120
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:57,194
(MOCK CRYING)
I can't do nothing right
for you guys.
121
00:05:58,779 --> 00:06:00,689
Is it okay if Charmaine
spends the night?
122
00:06:00,691 --> 00:06:02,741
Again? That's
the third night
this week.
123
00:06:02,743 --> 00:06:05,993
Gee, let's see.
Could it be 'cause
she's my best friend?
124
00:06:05,986 --> 00:06:09,076
Okay, look, she can spend
the night if it's okay
with her parents,
125
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:11,249
who, by the way,
I have never met.
126
00:06:11,251 --> 00:06:14,671
Who I better meet
the next time you ask
if she can spend the night.
127
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,545
Then it's okay with me.
Good.
128
00:06:16,547 --> 00:06:17,957
Now, how do y'all
want these eggs?
129
00:06:17,958 --> 00:06:20,088
Sunny side up
but just a little hard
in the middle.
130
00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:22,500
Just a little hard in
the middle. And you?
131
00:06:22,503 --> 00:06:25,313
Hmm. Western omelet.
Swiss cheese and sausage.
132
00:06:25,305 --> 00:06:28,175
Swiss and...
We only have
turkey sausage.
133
00:06:28,178 --> 00:06:29,678
That would do.
Okay, you'll do that.
134
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,220
Kady, what do you want?
135
00:06:31,221 --> 00:06:32,931
I want Egg McMuffin.
136
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,693
Egg... A what?
137
00:06:35,776 --> 00:06:37,146
Egg McMuffin.
138
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,397
Egg with muffin? Okay.
139
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:42,481
Got it all ready.
140
00:06:42,483 --> 00:06:44,153
(SIGHS)
141
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:48,624
That's sunny side up.
Little hard in the middle.
142
00:06:48,619 --> 00:06:51,329
Wait.
Gotta make it hard.
143
00:06:51,331 --> 00:06:53,621
See, hard in the middle.
144
00:06:53,624 --> 00:06:55,044
Junior wanted
a western omelet.
145
00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:57,125
We didn't have
the turkey sausage,
146
00:06:57,127 --> 00:06:59,627
but that's the way
to think about
your cholesterol.
147
00:06:59,630 --> 00:07:04,130
There you go.
Egg McMuffin
without the muffin.
148
00:07:04,134 --> 00:07:06,764
For the muffin.
Here you go.
149
00:07:06,757 --> 00:07:09,467
It's a toy you can play with.
You won't choke on it.
150
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,310
Hey, anybody want
some cappuccino,
cafe latte?
151
00:07:12,312 --> 00:07:16,482
Help yourselves right here.
And watch out for the steam,
it get hot.
152
00:07:17,017 --> 00:07:19,437
I miss Mommy.
153
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,819
Baby, we all miss Mommy.
154
00:07:21,822 --> 00:07:25,872
But I'm gonna try
and make this a pleasurable
experience for us all.
155
00:07:25,866 --> 00:07:29,066
I'm even gonna try
and bake them cookies
today, okay?
156
00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:31,409
Let me see that smile.
Where's that smile?
157
00:07:31,411 --> 00:07:33,201
(IN SILLY VOICE)
Let me see the smile.
158
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:35,754
Where's the smile?
159
00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:39,838
(CRYING)
160
00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:44,593
That wasn't the smile.
161
00:07:51,552 --> 00:07:53,012
(BEATBOXING)
162
00:07:55,686 --> 00:07:57,056
Hey, yo.
Check me out.
163
00:07:57,057 --> 00:07:58,977
(RAPPING)
♪ My name is John
Half-court ram
164
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,059
♪ Drop illegal long bombs
I'm a ball hog
165
00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:02,601
♪ And I don't play nice
166
00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:04,363
♪ I'll shake you and bake you
Put your ankles in ice ♪
167
00:08:04,364 --> 00:08:06,204
Yeah.
BOY 1: Yeah, that was tight.
168
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:07,776
That was tight.
I like that...
169
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,488
That was tight.
MIKE: That was cool.
Hold up. Hold up.
170
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,989
♪ My name's Mike
And I got flows
171
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,872
♪ I'm known to set a pick
like a thumb in your nose
172
00:08:13,874 --> 00:08:16,004
♪ If I ever graduate
I'll probably go to the pros
173
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,496
♪ But if I don't
I'll sign with Ludacris
174
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,077
♪ And throw them 'bows ♪
175
00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:20,419
Man, that was great.
176
00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:21,540
That was good.
177
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,752
Okay, okay.
What you got?
178
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:27,224
Hold up.
Let me think.
179
00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:29,127
♪ My name is Jamaal
and I love to ball
180
00:08:29,129 --> 00:08:31,389
♪ I've been playing basketball
ever since you could crawl
181
00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:33,221
♪ Who else could drop step
and dunk it from the wall?
182
00:08:33,223 --> 00:08:35,063
♪ Man, I could do it
Not 'cause I'm good
183
00:08:35,055 --> 00:08:37,055
♪ Why?
♪ Just 'cause I'm tall ♪
184
00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:38,397
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
185
00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:41,808
Yo, yo. Hold up.
Hold up. Yo.
186
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:45,032
♪ My name is Junior
but I'm a senior
187
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,855
♪ Well, I got
two more years
188
00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:49,908
♪ I got my father ears
189
00:08:49,910 --> 00:08:52,030
♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo
We got the fridge from Sears
190
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,952
♪ You know, yo... ♪
191
00:08:54,995 --> 00:08:56,415
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
192
00:08:56,416 --> 00:08:58,616
♪ I'm big Mike
and I'm his dad
193
00:08:58,619 --> 00:09:01,249
♪ Y'all better put this
house back the way it had
194
00:09:01,251 --> 00:09:03,541
♪ Otherwise, I'm gonna be
a real mad dad
195
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,673
♪ I'm gonna give you
all wedgies
196
00:09:04,665 --> 00:09:07,795
♪ Throwing you out my pad ♪
197
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:10,168
What's up, Dad?
Me and the fellas,
we was just...
198
00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:12,170
Whatever it was, stop it.
199
00:09:12,973 --> 00:09:14,853
I made the team.
200
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,015
Really?
Yeah.
201
00:09:16,016 --> 00:09:17,436
Congratulations.
Thanks.
202
00:09:17,437 --> 00:09:21,477
I'm proud of you.
Shocked. Very shocked.
203
00:09:21,481 --> 00:09:23,681
Very, very shocked,
but proud.
204
00:09:24,945 --> 00:09:26,605
Why don't you introduce me
to your friends?
205
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,607
Oh, oh, that's Mike
right here.
206
00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,109
How you doing?
207
00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:34,623
That's Jimmy.
208
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:37,785
How you doing, Jimmy?
What's up, Mr. Kyle?
209
00:09:37,788 --> 00:09:39,538
Right there behind you,
that's John.
210
00:09:39,539 --> 00:09:42,119
What's up, John?
What's up?
What's cracking?
211
00:09:44,204 --> 00:09:45,884
And that's Jamaal.
212
00:09:51,171 --> 00:09:52,801
(LAUGHS) And that's Craig.
213
00:09:52,803 --> 00:09:55,813
Craig, I wanna try one myself.
Hold up. Look at this.
214
00:09:55,806 --> 00:09:56,886
Huh?
215
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,427
(LAUGHING)
216
00:09:58,428 --> 00:10:01,018
This is called
the I-have-a-job shake.
217
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,654
All right,
you know what?
218
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,317
I have a sweater
just like this.
219
00:10:09,319 --> 00:10:13,439
And a sweater just like that.
And I got underwear
just like this.
220
00:10:13,443 --> 00:10:15,833
Yeah, well,
when we came in,
we were sweaty,
221
00:10:15,826 --> 00:10:17,826
and the guys
wanted to borrow
some of your stuff.
222
00:10:17,828 --> 00:10:20,328
You don't mind, do you?
223
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:23,000
It's just drawers, Mr. Kyle.
You want them back?
224
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,045
No. You know what,
keep them.
225
00:10:27,047 --> 00:10:30,007
I want this house
cleaned up.
Clean it up.
226
00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:32,170
All right, fellas,
let's get started.
227
00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:33,342
I got piano lessons.
228
00:10:33,343 --> 00:10:34,683
I'm going with Craig.
229
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,175
I got gymnastics.
230
00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,716
Man, I got
the hand thing,
231
00:10:37,718 --> 00:10:39,178
so I'm out.
Ballet's at 7:00.
232
00:10:39,179 --> 00:10:40,389
Later.
233
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:43,812
(SIGHS)
234
00:10:51,862 --> 00:10:54,482
Jay, I want these cookies
to be perfect for Kady.
235
00:10:54,484 --> 00:10:58,494
Yeah, I had them
in the oven eight minutes.
350 degrees.
236
00:10:58,488 --> 00:11:01,368
Okay, so when do I know
they're ready?
237
00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:03,281
Okay, let me try that.
238
00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:04,543
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
239
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:11,378
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, of course
I used a potholder.
240
00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:13,671
What, do you think
I'm an idiot?
241
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:18,215
Uh... So how's your mom?
242
00:11:19,139 --> 00:11:20,889
Still in pain, huh?
243
00:11:22,062 --> 00:11:24,562
No, I'm not smiling.
244
00:11:24,564 --> 00:11:26,574
You can hear me smile?
245
00:11:26,566 --> 00:11:29,516
Okay, I'm sorry.
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye.
246
00:11:29,519 --> 00:11:31,689
(KISSES)
247
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,401
Hey, look who's here.
Hey, Daddy.
248
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,913
"Hey, Daddy."
Come here
and give me my kiss.
249
00:11:37,818 --> 00:11:39,948
Where you guys going?
Hang out. I made cookies.
250
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:42,740
We gotta go study, Dad.
251
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:46,673
See, now, it'd be
irresponsible of me
to say no to that, huh?
252
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,586
Hey, Charmaine,
when am I gonna
meet your parents?
253
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:51,918
I wanna invite them over
for some of my famous
fried chicken.
254
00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:53,592
Oh, they're vegetarians.
255
00:11:53,593 --> 00:11:55,433
So were the chickens.
256
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,598
Get it? It's a joke.
257
00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:01,679
It is?
258
00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,471
Well, who makes
you laugh?
Carrot Top.
259
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,773
Go study.
260
00:12:19,359 --> 00:12:21,359
Hey, you still
missing her, huh?
261
00:12:21,361 --> 00:12:22,951
Uh-huh.
262
00:12:22,953 --> 00:12:25,543
Yeah, well, I miss
your mother, too.
263
00:12:25,535 --> 00:12:26,955
But I'm glad
I got you here.
264
00:12:26,957 --> 00:12:29,457
Otherwise, I'd be
crying in my eyes.
265
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:32,580
Hey, you want a cookie?
266
00:12:40,971 --> 00:12:43,011
Mommy's cookies
are better.
267
00:12:44,935 --> 00:12:47,145
Yeah, well, I could see
how you would
come to that conclusion
268
00:12:47,147 --> 00:12:49,147
without even tasting them.
269
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:55,402
You know, this isn't
the first time I had to
take over for your mother.
270
00:12:55,395 --> 00:12:57,105
Really?
271
00:12:57,107 --> 00:13:01,487
Yeah, you probably
wouldn't remember,
because you weren't born yet,
272
00:13:01,491 --> 00:13:05,001
but she was having
a really hard time
with her pregnancy.
273
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:09,496
Michael, Michael,
I'm huge.
274
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,959
I think I'm bigger
than Oprah in '89.
275
00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:15,343
I don't know
how much longer
I can take this.
276
00:13:15,335 --> 00:13:18,915
I know.
If that baby gets any bigger,
it's gonna walk out.
277
00:13:21,341 --> 00:13:23,341
(CHUCKLES)
And get a job.
278
00:13:24,724 --> 00:13:26,144
So what did you do?
279
00:13:26,136 --> 00:13:29,766
I did what any red-blooded
American would do.
280
00:13:29,769 --> 00:13:30,929
I took over.
281
00:13:30,931 --> 00:13:32,561
What do you mean?
282
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,565
I don't know what
women complain about.
283
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,817
Yeah, so what?
My boobs are
a little bigger.
284
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,609
It gives me something
to do in the shower.
285
00:13:45,155 --> 00:13:47,035
What was that?
286
00:13:47,037 --> 00:13:48,207
(SCREAMING)
287
00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:49,408
Help me!
288
00:13:49,409 --> 00:13:50,579
(SCREAMS)
289
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,660
Oh, God! Oh, God!
290
00:13:53,663 --> 00:13:55,053
I hope that was
a heart attack,
291
00:13:55,045 --> 00:13:57,715
'cause I can't take
more of this!
292
00:13:57,717 --> 00:13:59,717
Junior... Oh, Lord.
293
00:13:59,719 --> 00:14:03,339
This is it, I think
this is the big one.
Get in here, quick.
294
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,063
What's up, Dad?
295
00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:06,725
I need you to go
get the truck.
296
00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:08,466
I'm about to
have this baby.
297
00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:11,558
But, Dad, I'm 10 years old.
I don't know how to drive.
298
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:14,731
Yeah, well,
if I can have a baby,
you can drive.
299
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,404
Now, go get the red truck.
300
00:14:16,396 --> 00:14:19,146
And get my galoshes out.
My water just broke.
301
00:14:21,241 --> 00:14:25,541
Hurry, dummy. Hurry!
Oh, boy, that kid.
302
00:14:25,535 --> 00:14:28,245
I said, "Turn right.
No, no, turn left.
303
00:14:28,248 --> 00:14:31,328
"Wait. Look out, dummy.
You gonna hit that man."
304
00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:34,583
What happened?
305
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:36,424
Well, your brother
swerved right,
306
00:14:36,416 --> 00:14:40,416
and he missed Stephen King
and hit Ben Vereen.
307
00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:43,500
But eventually,
we got to the hospital.
308
00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:47,223
Come on. This is funny stuff.
Give me a smile or something.
309
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,010
Okay, you know what?
310
00:14:52,012 --> 00:14:55,282
You get ready for your bath,
and then I'll tell you
the rest of the story later.
311
00:14:55,275 --> 00:14:58,105
I'm not taking a bath
until Mommy gets home.
312
00:14:58,108 --> 00:15:00,318
Your butt's gonna be humming.
313
00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:03,281
Why not?
314
00:15:03,283 --> 00:15:06,623
You can't see me
take a bath.
You're a boy.
315
00:15:06,616 --> 00:15:08,866
I like the way
you're thinking.
316
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,368
You keep saying that
till you're 30.
317
00:15:11,871 --> 00:15:12,951
Okay?
318
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,543
Hummina, hummina.
319
00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:16,835
(HUMMING)
320
00:15:18,338 --> 00:15:20,498
Hey, you need
some help?
321
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,340
Yeah. Thanks.
322
00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:27,354
Must feel real good
having all your new friends
come by your house, huh?
323
00:15:27,347 --> 00:15:30,007
Yeah, it's cool.
They're gonna
come again tomorrow.
324
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:31,510
Wow.
And the next day.
325
00:15:31,511 --> 00:15:33,601
They must really
like you, huh?
Yeah.
326
00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,693
Oh, and I got a list
of stuff for you.
327
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:36,975
We're gonna need
some soy milk
328
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,477
'cause John is
lactose intolerant.
329
00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:42,769
And Jamaal needs
turkey hot dogs.
He's a Muslim.
330
00:15:42,772 --> 00:15:45,702
And I got a list
of PlayStation games
they want me to get.
331
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,695
Sounds like they're
taking advantage
of you, Son.
332
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,118
No, they're not.
333
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,410
Yes, they are.
And you're too blind
to even see it.
334
00:15:52,412 --> 00:15:56,542
This is you. "Hey, fellas.
Take my skateboard
and some self-respect.
335
00:15:56,536 --> 00:16:01,996
"What about my dignity?
Hey, anybody want a kidney?
I got two.
336
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,382
"As a matter of fact,
why don't you take
one of my testicles?
337
00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:07,144
"You could use it
as a marble."
338
00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:08,637
It's not that bad.
339
00:16:08,638 --> 00:16:11,678
It is that bad.
Where's the quid pro quo?
340
00:16:11,681 --> 00:16:14,221
I think Jamaal ate it.
He thought it was chicken.
341
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,774
Okay, Harvard is definitely
out of the question.
342
00:16:16,766 --> 00:16:18,726
It means
reciprocation.
343
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,018
These kids are
not treating you
like a friend, Junior.
344
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,151
They're treating you
like you're some rich kid.
And you're not.
345
00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:28,164
You're a poor kid
with a well-off dad.
346
00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:30,738
You're wrong about this.
They like me
'cause I can ball.
347
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,240
Oh, I've seen you ball.
You play like Jordan.
348
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,044
Really?
Vernon Jordan.
349
00:16:37,617 --> 00:16:39,077
You know, you got
a lot in common
350
00:16:39,079 --> 00:16:41,289
with some of
the greatest players
who ever played the game.
351
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,461
Come on, Dad.
You know what, it's
a little-known fact
352
00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:47,303
that Allen Iverson
used to run and get soy milk
for his team. You know?
353
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:50,007
And George Gervin,
they called him the Iceman
354
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,759
'cause he used to
run around and make sure
everybody's drinks was cold.
355
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:57,102
They used to say,
"Hey, get us
some more ice, man."
356
00:16:57,097 --> 00:16:59,767
Magic Johnson still brings
donuts to the Lakers.
357
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:04,399
He said, (IMITATING)
"Man, I can't start my day
without Krispy Kremes."
358
00:17:07,107 --> 00:17:08,447
It's blue.
359
00:17:08,448 --> 00:17:10,608
Okay, what does that mean?
360
00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:13,450
"If the stick is blue,
the results are positive."
361
00:17:13,453 --> 00:17:15,503
Oh, well,
that's good news, right?
362
00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:17,615
No, positive means pregnant.
363
00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:19,288
Uh-oh.
364
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,210
Hey, ladies.
365
00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:22,711
Daddy, don't you knock?
366
00:17:22,712 --> 00:17:25,262
Only on doors
I don't own.
367
00:17:25,255 --> 00:17:28,085
But I couldn't
contain myself.
Look at this.
368
00:17:29,509 --> 00:17:31,669
Foxy dad.
369
00:17:33,012 --> 00:17:35,012
Everyone's doing it, huh?
370
00:17:35,635 --> 00:17:37,055
Oh, my God.
371
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,056
Hey, wait till you
see me in my thong.
372
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,232
We gotta...
We gotta go.
373
00:17:47,647 --> 00:17:49,487
The fellas call them
a he-string.
374
00:17:49,489 --> 00:17:51,109
Bye, Dad.
375
00:17:56,826 --> 00:18:00,576
(STAMMERING) Whoa,
wait a minute.
376
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,370
When did you start
taking out trash?
377
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,473
I'm just trying
to help out
while Mom's away.
378
00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:07,915
Aw, that's so sweet,
but I'll do that.
379
00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:10,007
Here, give it to me.
380
00:18:10,009 --> 00:18:11,669
Oh. Okay.
381
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,213
See you later.
Bye.
382
00:18:14,214 --> 00:18:15,354
(IMITATING CLAIRE) Okay.
383
00:18:16,176 --> 00:18:17,806
Be back at 8:00.
384
00:18:25,985 --> 00:18:30,485
Mommy, I can't pretend
to like the cookies.
The cookies are yucky.
385
00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:35,703
Oops. I gotta go.
386
00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:38,195
You-know-who
just walked in. Bye.
387
00:18:39,949 --> 00:18:41,949
Who was that
on the phone?
388
00:18:43,082 --> 00:18:46,092
Santa.
389
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:49,545
And what does he got to say
in the middle of the summer?
390
00:18:54,053 --> 00:18:55,603
(PHONE RINGING)
391
00:18:59,058 --> 00:19:00,388
Hello?
392
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,720
Oh, hey, baby.
393
00:19:02,722 --> 00:19:06,072
Oh, no, no, she just
misses you. That's all.
394
00:19:06,065 --> 00:19:08,645
No, everything is fine.
395
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,858
Yes, I'm positive.
396
00:19:12,732 --> 00:19:14,032
Positive.
397
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,240
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, baby.
Get over here.
398
00:19:26,546 --> 00:19:28,126
What's that?
399
00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:31,747
It's a whole lot of trouble
in a little white stick.
400
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:36,431
So I guess I was wrong.
Charmaine hasn't been spending
all her nights over here.
401
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,256
Please don't tell
her parents.
402
00:19:38,258 --> 00:19:39,968
I have to.
403
00:19:39,969 --> 00:19:44,099
Of course, I won't tell
until she has the chance
to tell them first.
404
00:19:44,103 --> 00:19:46,573
Dad, I really don't think
it's any of your business.
405
00:19:46,566 --> 00:19:49,266
I can't sit back
and pretend I don't know.
406
00:19:49,269 --> 00:19:51,939
I mean, how did Charmaine
get herself into
this mess, anyway?
407
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,981
She had sex.
408
00:19:53,983 --> 00:19:56,123
Right.
The old-fashioned way.
409
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,116
Do me a favor, Dad.
410
00:19:59,118 --> 00:20:02,198
Let me talk to her first
before you call her parents.
411
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,701
Okay, that's fair.
412
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,923
Thanks.
You're the best.
413
00:20:09,589 --> 00:20:11,249
How did you know
it was Charmaine?
414
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,921
What do you mean?
415
00:20:12,922 --> 00:20:16,302
The pregnancy test.
How did you know
it wasn't mine?
416
00:20:16,296 --> 00:20:20,386
Because I know my daughter,
and I believe in her,
and I trust her.
417
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:22,470
Thanks, Dad.
418
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,732
Plus, you said you weren't
gonna have sex until you were
married to Will Smith.
419
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,145
That was before
the Wild Wild West.
420
00:20:36,446 --> 00:20:39,116
MICHAEL: Next time on
My Wife and Kids...
421
00:20:39,118 --> 00:20:42,618
I wanna finish telling you
the story about
the day you were born.
422
00:20:42,622 --> 00:20:45,332
MICHAEL: Actually,
your birth was really quick
and really easy.
423
00:20:45,325 --> 00:20:46,665
(SNEEZING)
424
00:20:48,328 --> 00:20:50,168
Here's what I think
you should do.
What?
425
00:20:50,169 --> 00:20:51,289
Talk to my father.
426
00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:52,961
Claire, your father?
427
00:20:52,962 --> 00:20:54,582
My dad's
a pretty cool guy.
428
00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:57,144
Are you Shaquille O'Neal?
429
00:20:57,136 --> 00:20:58,426
Nobody's ever
asked me that before.
30234
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