Original subtitles

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Rise and shine Rise and shine

♪ If I have to say it again

♪ Gonna be a foot in your behind

♪ Rise and shine

♪ Come on, Junior, rise and... ♪

Hey.

(SNIFFS) Oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

All right. Calisthenics. Two minutes. Downstairs. Let's go.

Calisthenics? Mom never made us do calisthenics.

Yeah, well, your mom is out of town for six weeks,

so I got time to whip your little butts into shape.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

All right, don't make me dig these dirty drawers out of here.

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm up.

All right, let's go. Come on.

All right, jumping jacks on three,

(Y.M.C.A. PLAYING) two, one.

♪ Young man Throw your hands in the air

♪ I said, young man Who said life would be fair?

♪ I say, young man

♪ Come look at me I lost hair

♪ But you don't see me complaining

♪ Where's Claire? She's not coming down yet

♪ I said, there's Claire We got a straggler...

(TURNS OFF MUSIC) Hey.

This is stupid.

Claire?

Yeah?

What's different about you?

What are you talking about? I just pulled my hair back. That's all.

Well, whatever it is, you look like a whole new person.

Go on. Step in line. Let's go.

Why do we have to do this?

Because your mom is away with Grandma until her leg heals,

and while she's away, we're gonna do things by my rules.

Because it takes a village.

And right now, this is my village, and you're my village people.

(TURNS ON MUSIC)

Go on.

♪ ...M.C.A.

Come on.

♪ Y.M.C.A.

♪ You don't have to look mad But you all look sad

♪ But if you don't I'm going to be a hero

♪ You don't go...

Come on. Come on. Get your hands up. Come on.

Kick it. Shake it.

♪ YMCA... ♪

Daddy, my ponytail won't stay up.

Oh, let me fix that for you.

Let's see.

Exactly what I'm gonna do.

Perfect.

This looks stupid. Mommy wouldn't do it like that.

Well, baby, Mommy's not here,

so we're gonna have to make do.

I already did that.

I know. You probably really miss your mommy, huh?

More and more every day.

Well, is there anything I can do to help out and make things better?

Take this stupid tape off my head and go get her.

Well, I can take the stupid tape off your head.

(MIMICS KADY) But I can't go get her.

There.

Can you make those peanut butter marshmallow cookies that Mommy makes?

I can try.

Okay, but they better be good.

That's pressure.

Hey, morning, Son.

Look at my clothes.

What's the matter? You look great.

What did you do?

I put starch in your clothes,

and I put enough to last until your mother came home.

I look ridiculous.

No, you don't. You look...sharp.

(SCOFFS)

So what are you up to?

Yeah.

I'm trying out for the basketball team today.

Really? Well, listen, don't put too much pressure on yourself about doing that

because, for one, you're not that good.

And two, you're not that good.

Very funny, Dad.

Now, all I'm saying, Son, is art is your strength. Okay?

These kids that get bussed in from the city, basketball is their dream.

And in some cases, it's their only option.

Well, I'm gonna make the team even if it kills me.

That's the right attitude.

And I'm gonna miss you.

Dad, Coach said I set a great pick.

And nobody can take a charge like me.

Well, if basketball don't work out,

you'll make a great crash test dummy.

(STAMMERS) And... Whoa.

What is all of this?

Oh, isn't it cool? And look here.

No, it is not cool. Go wash that junk off of you.

Why? It's just glitter.

No, it's just subliminal advertising to little horny boys.

What? Yeah.

This right here, that goes, "Oh, look, right here.

"Now, right here is where you wanna be focused."

And the back says, "Hey, I got a little sparkly thing.

"But it don't shine like my behind."

Everybody's doing it.

Everybody?

It's fashion. This is something Mom would definitely let me do.

Well, I must be an old fuddy-duddy, because I don't like it.

You won't let me do anything.

I can't get anything pierced. You won't let me get a tattoo.

I know, I don't let you carry the gun.

I don't let you shoot up heroin. I'm just a bad dad.

You need to get with the times.

Okay, look, if you wanna wear that stuff, go ahead. Fine.

What do you mean?

(MOCK CRYING) I can't do nothing right for you guys.

Is it okay if Charmaine spends the night?

Again? That's the third night this week.

Gee, let's see. Could it be 'cause she's my best friend?

Okay, look, she can spend the night if it's okay with her parents,

who, by the way, I have never met.

Who I better meet the next time you ask if she can spend the night.

Then it's okay with me. Good.

Now, how do y'all want these eggs?

Sunny side up but just a little hard in the middle.

Just a little hard in the middle. And you?

Hmm. Western omelet. Swiss cheese and sausage.

Swiss and... We only have turkey sausage.

That would do. Okay, you'll do that.

Kady, what do you want?

I want Egg McMuffin.

Egg... A what?

Egg McMuffin.

Egg with muffin? Okay.

Got it all ready.

(SIGHS)

That's sunny side up. Little hard in the middle.

Wait. Gotta make it hard.

See, hard in the middle.

Junior wanted a western omelet.

We didn't have the turkey sausage,

but that's the way to think about your cholesterol.

There you go. Egg McMuffin without the muffin.

For the muffin. Here you go.

It's a toy you can play with. You won't choke on it.

Hey, anybody want some cappuccino, cafe latte?

Help yourselves right here. And watch out for the steam, it get hot.

I miss Mommy.

Baby, we all miss Mommy.

But I'm gonna try and make this a pleasurable experience for us all.

I'm even gonna try and bake them cookies today, okay?

Let me see that smile. Where's that smile?

(IN SILLY VOICE) Let me see the smile.

Where's the smile?

(CRYING)

That wasn't the smile.

(BEATBOXING)

Hey, yo. Check me out.

(RAPPING) ♪ My name is John Half-court ram

♪ Drop illegal long bombs I'm a ball hog

♪ And I don't play nice

♪ I'll shake you and bake you Put your ankles in ice ♪

Yeah. BOY 1: Yeah, that was tight.

That was tight. I like that...

That was tight. MIKE: That was cool. Hold up. Hold up.

♪ My name's Mike And I got flows

♪ I'm known to set a pick like a thumb in your nose

♪ If I ever graduate I'll probably go to the pros

♪ But if I don't I'll sign with Ludacris

♪ And throw them 'bows ♪

Man, that was great.

That was good.

Okay, okay. What you got?

Hold up. Let me think.

♪ My name is Jamaal and I love to ball

♪ I've been playing basketball ever since you could crawl

♪ Who else could drop step and dunk it from the wall?

♪ Man, I could do it Not 'cause I'm good

♪ Why? ♪ Just 'cause I'm tall ♪

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yo, yo. Hold up. Hold up. Yo.

♪ My name is Junior but I'm a senior

♪ Well, I got two more years

♪ I got my father ears

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo We got the fridge from Sears

♪ You know, yo... ♪

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

♪ I'm big Mike and I'm his dad

♪ Y'all better put this house back the way it had

♪ Otherwise, I'm gonna be a real mad dad

♪ I'm gonna give you all wedgies

♪ Throwing you out my pad ♪

What's up, Dad? Me and the fellas, we was just...

Whatever it was, stop it.

I made the team.

Really? Yeah.

Congratulations. Thanks.

I'm proud of you. Shocked. Very shocked.

Very, very shocked, but proud.

Why don't you introduce me to your friends?

Oh, oh, that's Mike right here.

How you doing?

That's Jimmy.

How you doing, Jimmy? What's up, Mr. Kyle?

Right there behind you, that's John.

What's up, John? What's up? What's cracking?

And that's Jamaal.

(LAUGHS) And that's Craig.

Craig, I wanna try one myself. Hold up. Look at this.

Huh?

(LAUGHING)

This is called the I-have-a-job shake.

All right, you know what?

I have a sweater just like this.

And a sweater just like that. And I got underwear just like this.

Yeah, well, when we came in, we were sweaty,

and the guys wanted to borrow some of your stuff.

You don't mind, do you?

It's just drawers, Mr. Kyle. You want them back?

No. You know what, keep them.

I want this house cleaned up. Clean it up.

All right, fellas, let's get started.

I got piano lessons.

I'm going with Craig.

I got gymnastics.

Man, I got the hand thing,

so I'm out. Ballet's at 7:00.

Later.

(SIGHS)

Jay, I want these cookies to be perfect for Kady.

Yeah, I had them in the oven eight minutes. 350 degrees.

Okay, so when do I know they're ready?

Okay, let me try that.

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

No, no, no, no. Yeah, of course I used a potholder.

What, do you think I'm an idiot?

Uh... So how's your mom?

Still in pain, huh?

No, I'm not smiling.

You can hear me smile?

Okay, I'm sorry. I love you. Okay, bye-bye.

(KISSES)

Hey, look who's here. Hey, Daddy.

"Hey, Daddy." Come here and give me my kiss.

Where you guys going? Hang out. I made cookies.

We gotta go study, Dad.

See, now, it'd be irresponsible of me to say no to that, huh?

Hey, Charmaine, when am I gonna meet your parents?

I wanna invite them over for some of my famous fried chicken.

Oh, they're vegetarians.

So were the chickens.

Get it? It's a joke.

It is?

Well, who makes you laugh? Carrot Top.

Go study.

Hey, you still missing her, huh?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, I miss your mother, too.

But I'm glad I got you here.

Otherwise, I'd be crying in my eyes.

Hey, you want a cookie?

Mommy's cookies are better.

Yeah, well, I could see how you would come to that conclusion

without even tasting them.

You know, this isn't the first time I had to take over for your mother.

Really?

Yeah, you probably wouldn't remember, because you weren't born yet,

but she was having a really hard time with her pregnancy.

Michael, Michael, I'm huge.

I think I'm bigger than Oprah in '89.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I know. If that baby gets any bigger, it's gonna walk out.

(CHUCKLES) And get a job.

So what did you do?

I did what any red-blooded American would do.

I took over.

What do you mean?

I don't know what women complain about.

Yeah, so what? My boobs are a little bigger.

It gives me something to do in the shower.

What was that?

(SCREAMING)

Help me!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I hope that was a heart attack,

'cause I can't take more of this!

Junior... Oh, Lord.

This is it, I think this is the big one. Get in here, quick.

What's up, Dad?

I need you to go get the truck.

I'm about to have this baby.

But, Dad, I'm 10 years old. I don't know how to drive.

Yeah, well, if I can have a baby, you can drive.

Now, go get the red truck.

And get my galoshes out. My water just broke.

Hurry, dummy. Hurry! Oh, boy, that kid.

I said, "Turn right. No, no, turn left.

"Wait. Look out, dummy. You gonna hit that man."

What happened?

Well, your brother swerved right,

and he missed Stephen King and hit Ben Vereen.

But eventually, we got to the hospital.

Come on. This is funny stuff. Give me a smile or something.

Okay, you know what?

You get ready for your bath, and then I'll tell you the rest of the story later.

I'm not taking a bath until Mommy gets home.

Your butt's gonna be humming.

Why not?

You can't see me take a bath. You're a boy.

I like the way you're thinking.

You keep saying that till you're 30.

Okay?

Hummina, hummina.

(HUMMING)

Hey, you need some help?

Yeah. Thanks.

Must feel real good having all your new friends come by your house, huh?

Yeah, it's cool. They're gonna come again tomorrow.

Wow. And the next day.

They must really like you, huh? Yeah.

Oh, and I got a list of stuff for you.

We're gonna need some soy milk

'cause John is lactose intolerant.

And Jamaal needs turkey hot dogs. He's a Muslim.

And I got a list of PlayStation games they want me to get.

Sounds like they're taking advantage of you, Son.

No, they're not.

Yes, they are. And you're too blind to even see it.

This is you. "Hey, fellas. Take my skateboard and some self-respect.

"What about my dignity? Hey, anybody want a kidney? I got two.

"As a matter of fact, why don't you take one of my testicles?

"You could use it as a marble."

It's not that bad.

It is that bad. Where's the quid pro quo?

I think Jamaal ate it. He thought it was chicken.

Okay, Harvard is definitely out of the question.

It means reciprocation.

These kids are not treating you like a friend, Junior.

They're treating you like you're some rich kid. And you're not.

You're a poor kid with a well-off dad.

You're wrong about this. They like me 'cause I can ball.

Oh, I've seen you ball. You play like Jordan.

Really? Vernon Jordan.

You know, you got a lot in common

with some of the greatest players who ever played the game.

Come on, Dad. You know what, it's a little-known fact

that Allen Iverson used to run and get soy milk for his team. You know?

And George Gervin, they called him the Iceman

'cause he used to run around and make sure everybody's drinks was cold.

They used to say, "Hey, get us some more ice, man."

Magic Johnson still brings donuts to the Lakers.

He said, (IMITATING) "Man, I can't start my day without Krispy Kremes."

It's blue.

Okay, what does that mean?

"If the stick is blue, the results are positive."

Oh, well, that's good news, right?

No, positive means pregnant.

Uh-oh.

Hey, ladies.

Daddy, don't you knock?

Only on doors I don't own.

But I couldn't contain myself. Look at this.

Foxy dad.

Everyone's doing it, huh?

Oh, my God.

Hey, wait till you see me in my thong.

We gotta... We gotta go.

The fellas call them a he-string.

Bye, Dad.

(STAMMERING) Whoa, wait a minute.

When did you start taking out trash?

I'm just trying to help out while Mom's away.

Aw, that's so sweet, but I'll do that.

Here, give it to me.

Oh. Okay.

See you later. Bye.

(IMITATING CLAIRE) Okay.

Be back at 8:00.

Mommy, I can't pretend to like the cookies. The cookies are yucky.

Oops. I gotta go.

You-know-who just walked in. Bye.

Who was that on the phone?

Santa.

And what does he got to say in the middle of the summer?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, hey, baby.

Oh, no, no, she just misses you. That's all.

No, everything is fine.

Yes, I'm positive.

Positive.

Hi, Daddy. Hi, baby. Get over here.

What's that?

It's a whole lot of trouble in a little white stick.

So I guess I was wrong. Charmaine hasn't been spending all her nights over here.

Please don't tell her parents.

I have to.

Of course, I won't tell until she has the chance to tell them first.

Dad, I really don't think it's any of your business.

I can't sit back and pretend I don't know.

I mean, how did Charmaine get herself into this mess, anyway?

She had sex.

Right. The old-fashioned way.

Do me a favor, Dad.

Let me talk to her first before you call her parents.

Okay, that's fair.

Thanks. You're the best.

How did you know it was Charmaine?

What do you mean?

The pregnancy test. How did you know it wasn't mine?

Because I know my daughter, and I believe in her, and I trust her.

Thanks, Dad.

Plus, you said you weren't gonna have sex until you were married to Will Smith.

That was before the Wild Wild West.

MICHAEL: Next time on My Wife and Kids...

I wanna finish telling you the story about the day you were born.

MICHAEL: Actually, your birth was really quick and really easy.

(SNEEZING)

Here's what I think you should do. What?

Talk to my father.

Claire, your father?

My dad's a pretty cool guy.

Are you Shaquille O'Neal?

Nobody's ever asked me that before.