Original subtitles

Ripped By mstoll

BOBBY: Do you really have to go?

You're old enough to be on your own, Bobby.

Pretty soon the baby-sitters

are gonna be younger than you.

But... But...

Oh, you'll be fine.

I've gotten rid of that hat rack

you said looked like the devil.

Have fun.

MAN: A Frankenstein monster?

In this day and age?

I'm telling you kids...

(screams)

HANK: Chuck Storm

on channel five predicts

"possible moderate breeze" for the camping trip.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Yep. I don't know how you girls get along without us every year.

Heh-heh-heh.

You know, the French onion soup

and the minestrone soup sound so good,

I think I'm gonna order both.

Two soups?

Yes. In place of an entree.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Dad...

I crawled into your bed

to calm me down, but it just wasn't the same

without you guys here.

Bobby, everything would have been fine

if you hadn't panicked.

The problem is you lack confidence.

Give me confidence.

Well, I can't give it to you, you have to earn it.

Hey, you know, one of the best ways to do that

is to rely on yourself in the wild.

Just you against the elements.

I don't know...

I don't want you to get married

and have to have your wife tuck you in at night.

You're coming on our camping trip.

Fine, but I don't know what I can learn in the wild

that I can't learn watching Zoobilee Zoo.

...and I figure if we make this

an "eat only what you catch" trip,

Bobby will be forced to learn some self-reliance.

That's a great idea.

Once you learn how to light a cigarette

with two rocks, you feel invincible.

Yeah, man, just like my dang ol' Ted Nugent said, man.

You know, they can't no grill, 'less you kill it man.

Like, dang, talking about an old... foom.

Yeah, I use my survival training every day.

Yep, being alone in the woods

prepared me for being alone, well... everywhere else.

Oh, I'm gonna miss Dale, shug.

And I will miss my boys,

but, you know, I see this

as the perfect opportunity

to take care of this "things to do" list

that has been hanging over my head.

"See boys off."

Done.

The Park Department

is not responsible for my safety. Oh, God...

That's right.

You're responsible now.

Oh, already that time of year again, huh, Hank?

Yeah, looks like it.

How are you, Ranger Bradley?

Working so hard, I couldn't tell you.

What'll it be... the usual?

Yep, ol' lot number 6347.

We watched that possum family grow up right before our eyes.

So how does it feel to be setting up

your own camp for the first time?

I brushed my teeth with bug cream

and I'm still kinda woozy.

Can we go home?

No, we've got work to do.

We gotta pick up dinner.

Come here, fish.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Idiot.

That's three for Dale,

three for me, four for Boomhauer.

DALE: And nada for Bobby,

and since it's an "eat only

what you catch trip,"

tonight, you will be dining on...

filet of zero.

(sighs)

Shut up, Dale.

Maybe he's right.

I can't do this.

Sure you can, Bobby.

Just remember, to catch a fish,

you have to think like a fish.

Hmm, I'm wet, and I don't even know it.

(sighs)

No, where would you be feeding?

Probably in that

algae-covered area over there.

That algae does look pretty good.

PEGGY: Nancy, in one day I have

accomplished everything I set out to do.

Do you think it would be gilding the lily

to refinance the house while Hank's away?

Uh-oh, someone's beeping in.

Hello, Peggy. This is

Dora Shelwyn from Tom Landry.

I teach...

Are you retiring?

Uh, no, actually,

I just needed the number of your veterinarian.

I have a quick question.

Go ahead.

I meant for the vet.

You see, I bought this myna bird,

and it just won't talk and I...

Put the bird on the line.

What? Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Okay, bird... Awk! I love Dora Shelwyn!

Who's a good bird?

I love Dora Shelwyn!

(Peggy squawks)

Come on, bird. I got all day.

(birdlike): Awk! I love Dora Shelwyn!

Hey, bro.

What?

Oh, hi.

If you catch anything, we should use this as a plate.

I haven't even seen a fish all day

and I'm starving.

I've got a hamburger bun top.

Still has most of its sesame seeds.

Bobby.

Don't take that.

It's okay... we can split it threezies.

Thank you for the, uh, bun,

but we are only eating what we catch this weekend.

I'm trying to teach my son self-reliance.

No, I'm trying to teach him self-reliance.

What?

Yeah. The thing

about self-reliance is... it's like, bad.

Hugs for smokes.

Look, I...

Oh, God.

Another one?

Okay, I don't know what's going on,

but you're gonna have to tell your friends to get out of here.

All of them?

What are they, Dad?

(sighs)

They're hippies, son.

I love you!

BOOMHAUER: Hey, man, I thought that dang ol' Reagan

got rid of all them in the 'ol '80s, man, talkin' 'bout

them yippy to yuppy, man.

This land is our land!

Welcome home, friend!

(shrieks)

Bobby, back in the tent!

Go away!

And put on some clothes!

Hey, this isn't Kinko's, man.

It's the Gathering!

The what?

The Gathering, bro.

Everyone's here.

Crunchies, and hempies,

Earth Mothers, vegans, hyper-vegans...

We're all here.

Thousands of us.

This may be the saddest day of my career.

Ranger, how could you have given

all these people park permits?

What were you thinking?

Sorry, Hank, we were blind-sided.

They got a bunch of ACLU lawyers to sue,

saying the First Amendment allows them

to peaceably assemble without a permit.

(groans)

Don't tell me that's covered by the First Amendment.

Public defecation is protected

as long as they say it's a political

or artistic statement.

And they do.

(bongos and maracas playing)

Nothing again.

We'll never catch anything.

Fish hate loud hippie drums and so do I.

Hey, yo!

♪♪ Beautiful, drifting Gypsy man ♪♪

♪♪ Collecting empty soda cans ♪♪

♪♪ He whispered, "Atlantis is not far away ♪♪

♪♪ Just travel on a manta ray." ♪♪

That music... it's beautiful.

Dang it, if I have to pull

one more hook out of Bill...

(Bill grunts)

Excuse me, sir, but I could not help noticing

you're making your salad wrong.

Where are the beets?

Where are the red beans?

I don't know.

You know what, yeah,

we're just going to have to start all over.

I made a salad last night that people

are still talking about.

I mean look at us, we're talking about it.

Fire wood.

Log nappers!

I'm starving, Dad!

Can't you teach me self-reliance at a restaurant?

I'll order off the adult menu.

Now, calm down.

I found some perfectly good thorn-apples

and sour berries in the forest.

You go find us some sticks

and we can roast them like s'mores.

And do not talk to any hippies.

My name's Fudgie, and that's Topaz.

We met on a turnip farm.

Oh.

Whatcha got in the kettle?

Jumbo Gumbo.

How much does it cost for a bowl?

Everything here is free, little guy.

This ain't the Ronald McMoney scene.

People here share with one another.

You give what you can and you get what you need.

I don't know if I should.

My dad said I can only eat what I catch.

Then catch.

So you're sure this is okay?

My dad wants me to be self-reliant.

In a hundred years, who's going to care

if you were self-reliant or not?

You make a good point, Fudgie.

No thank you.

I'll probably catch a deer tomorrow

and I want to make sure I'm hungry.

Good for you, Bobby.

You're really hanging in there.

You know what?

If you can wait, I can wait.

DALE: Good-bye, gentlemen,

and good riddance.

I'm one chorus of "Truckin"' away from snapping.

Yeah, man, like that dang ol' mandolin, man ain't never sounded so bad.

Like a dang ol' Bill Monroe spinning his dang ol' grave, man.

What? You guys can't get up and leave now.

What kind of lesson is that for Bobby?

A good one.

He can learn from our bad example.

Well, I guess self-reliance

isn't for everyone, Dad.

Stellar gumbo, Fudgie, just stellar.

This time, don't skimp on the potatoes.

Dig deep.

Sorry, but the gumbo's gone-bo.

Oh. That's okay.

I should probably be getting back to my campsite anyway.

Hold on, little guy.

The pot's empty.

It's time for you to share up.

Uh, I don't have anything.

But in a hundred years, who's going to care, right?

Fudgie's hungry now.

FUDGIE: ...and then I'm going to share your cooler.

You think your dad's got any money we could share?

Hey, I can trade these for a burrito.

Wait!

Those are my dad's fishing poles.

You can't take those.

We only want to share, guy.

You didn't mind sharing our gumbo, did you?

No.

So we're sharing back.

It's the law of Karma.

Promise that you'll bring them back

before my dad gets here.

So we're agreed, right?

You'll bring them back?

Yeah, man, sure.

Still no sign of Bill.

Probably got his head stuck in something.

But I'm sure he'll turn up once we start cooking

those fish we're about to catch.

Actually, I'm in the mood

for more thorn berries,

or maybe a pine cone.

Bobby, the fishing rods are gone!

You were supposed to be watching this stuff.

I-I'm sure whoever took them will bring them right back.

Thieves don't return stolen items.

It's just a thing, Dad.

They didn't steal something important,

like a smile, right?

Bobby, that's just hippie talk,

and all the hippie talk in the world

isn't going to get our stuff back.

We have to actually do something about it.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a couple of fishing rods.

Dual paddle crank handles, 12-pound lines.

Never mind.

I'm really sorry to hear about

your fishing poles, man.

Uh... okay.

If anyone can help you, it's the Council Circle.

There's some real wise bastards there.

Uh... thanks.

Hey, can you give me some money?

No.

Fascist.

It's only with teamwork

that we can find Apple-Seed's missing teeth.

HANK: Uh, pardon me.

Hank Hill, assistant manager, Strickland Propane.

Shut up!

Quiet!

What gives you the right?

BILL: The rules say you can't speak

unless you got the feather.

Aw, Bill.

Hey, Hank...

my new name is Energy Turtle.

I've found myself.

Bill, fun's over.

Wash that mud off now, and help me find

my fishing rods.

Oh, Hank.

I bet you searched for them everywhere...

except your heart.

Get out of the Circle!

He's serious.

No Being may speak without the feather.

Okay! Where are my fishing rods?

Hey, why'd you come

to a Gathering if you didn't want to share?!

I didn't come to the Gathering! The Gathering came to me!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll come to you

and gather... your... your face!

All right. Negative vibes!

Negative vibes!

This Circle will resume discussion

after a round of jumping jacks.

Oh, God!

Don't ruin jumping jacks.

(grunting)

Looks like we're going to have to drive

into town to get new poles.

Bobby, my truck is gone!

What happened?!

MAN: Hey, a talking bear!

Ugh! My sleeping bag!

Your nudity!

Calm down. You can join us.

Yeah, you can hold the Yanni.

Bobby, what is going on here?

Dad...

I ate hippie gumbo!

What? No!

I know I was supposed to be self-reliant,

but I was hungry.

And I didn't think I'd ever catch anything,

and they said since they shared with me,

I had to share our stuff with them.

And then they shared our stuff all over the place,

and I'm sorry.

My name's Fudgie.

Oh, divine Sun!

ALL: Oh, divine Sun!

We observe your holy wisdom!

We observe your holy wisdom!

So... the sun is God?

Yes!

Wow.

RANGER BRADLEY: The security camera shows

that your truck hasn't left the park.

We'll monitor the exit at all times

to make sure it doesn't.

(sighing): What's your advice here?

Just sit tight. This park covers 1,000 square miles.

And it's mushroom season.

Your truck could be anywhere.

Dad, I'm sorry I ruined the trip.

It was all my fault.

Yes. Yes, it was.

But, uh, you just took responsibility

and admitted it.

That's the first step towards self-reliance.

What are you doing?

I'm calling your mom to come pick us up.

I guess I'll have to come back later and pack out my truck.

You mean, we're just giving up?

The hippies have us surrounded, Bobby.

There's nothing we can do.

But, Dad,

if we just give up,

the hippies might keep coming back forever.

They are like locusts, but I don't know

what the heck we can do about it.

I guess we'll just camp somewhere else next year.

Well, maybe it's like what you said:

If you want to catch a fish, you have to think like a fish.

We just have to think like hippies!

That is impossible.

Come on, Dad. Just try.

Okay, I'm a hippie...

I'm naked, because I smoked all my clothes.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't like to work.

Right.

I like everything handed to me.

I'm just like a kid!

Right! An overgrown kid who can't take care of himself.

Figures this is the one place they're not burning incense.

Stay in school, son.

You know, Ranger Bradley, the First Amendment

guarantees the hippies the right to be here.

But as Bobby was pointing out,

does it guarantee them the right to these park services?

Yeah, the ranger station

shouldn't have to deal with this.

You're telling me.

Did you know that hippies are the number-one source

of airborne and riverborne pollution?

Right in front of Dow Chemical and Mexican trucks.

Uh, I'm not sure about that,

but, uh, these hippies have got to go.

What would you say

to Bobby and me taking care of them ourselves?

Great!

How many fire hoses do you need?

I've got some pepper spray that could take down a bear.

Uh... uh-huh.

Or maybe we could just cut off some of the park's services.

Well, that doesn't sound quite as interesting,

but you're on your own.

Okay, what do we got?

But I'm on a roll!

I want to give strokes and warm fuzzies to Bubbleman

for creating limitless bartering periods...

Bobby, grab the feather for me.

But I wasn't finished with my heart song!

Attention, people!

Minutes ago, I spoke with the Ranger,

and due to unforeseen circumstances,

all services in the park will be cut off, effective immediately.

What?!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

This means the port-a-potties are no longer available.

We have a right to those potties!

Yes, we do. Yeah! I have the runs!

Clean water will no longer be provided to you,

and as of this moment,

the park's snack bar is closed.

(wailing): No snacks?! What?!

Hey, uh, is it just me,

or am I picking up some negative vibes out there?

Well here's a positive vibe for you...

you don't need the park to provide services for you,

because we're gonna show you how,

with a little hard work,

you can take care of yourselves.

Grab the feather!

Yeah, this'll be great!

We'll teach you how to dig your own latrines,

maintain your own roads, purify your own water,

and catch your own fish.

So, what do you say? Who here is ready to work?

Rumsfeld.

So long now.

Hank, Bobby...

I came to say good-bye, and wish you much love.

Where are you going?

Dallas. The Phish is playing a musical concert there.

We're all gonna live in the parking lot.

See ya.

Will we ever see Mr. Dauterive again?

Around the 15th.

That's when he has to report back to work, or he's AWOL.

Go to hell!

Good riddance!

Hug this!

Okay, you drive, I'll push.

On three, punch the gas.

I'm on it!

(grunts)

One...

two... three.

(engine turns) Hit it!

Okay, what do you say there, son?

Ready to go home?

Not yet, Dad.

We still gotta pick up dinner.

Ripped By mstoll

HANK (sighing): They're hippies, son.