Original subtitles

Lets go! Come on!

Come on.

Yeah!

Lets go! Lets go!

Come on!

You must realize, Bosley

your wife is one of the most neurotic women

Ive ever examined.

I still think a few more months

in the sanitarium would be helpful.

It may be too early to trust her in her natural environment.

Oh, doc, be optimistic.

Peggys breakdown is part of the past now.

I dont want her in another mental hospital.

I want her home with me and the kids.

Dr. Evans, the road to mental health

is just around the corner.

Come on! Yeah!

I knew theyd try it!

Trying to kill me in my own home!

Its like war.

Dont tell me I dont know what Vietnam is like.

Brats! Brats! Brats!

Oh, mom.

Oh, Im sorry, Mrs. Gravel.

Ill pay for the window out of my allowance.

How about my life?

Do you get enough allowance to pay for that?

I know you were trying to kill me!

Whats the matter with the courts?

Do they allow this lawlessness and malicious destruction

of property to run rampant?

I hate the Supreme Court!

Oh, God. God..

Go home to your mother!

Doesnt she ever watch you?

Tell her this isnt some communist day care center!

Tell your mother I hate her!

Tell your mother I hate you!

Oh, God! Oh. Oh.

Hello? What number are you calling?

Youve dialed the wrong number!

Sorry?What good is that?

How can you ever repay the 30 seconds

you have stolen from my life?

I hate you, your husband, your children

and your relatives!

Oh, God! God! God! God!

What have I done to deserve this?

Miss Gravel, whats the matter? You having another fit?

Cant my husband watch the children?

Cant that lazy moron do one thing?

The kids are just outside. Theyre okay.

Let me get you some of your fit medicine.

Grizelda, my life is in danger.

Please dont let anybody hurt me.

Aw, there, there. Youve gotta keep calm, woman.

Youre just imagining things. Thats what you think.

One of the neighborhood children just tried to murder me.

I was sitting in my room, applying nail polish

and one of them fired a rifle at me.

Oh, Miss Gravel. Its true.

I must get the children before theyre kidnapped.

Good God Almighty.

Beth? Bosley Jr.?

Breathe in. Do it again.

Now let me do it.

Breathe in. Again.

Sodomites! Caught right in a sex orgy!

Filthy!

Dirty! Filthy!

Is that what you learned in private school?

Mom, we were only playing! Were only play..

Oh, nude! Nude! Nude!

You could be pregnant, Beth!

And as for you..

I never thought you would rape your own sister!

Oh, God! The children are having sex!

Peggy?

Peggy?

Thirsty, Grizelda?

Youd better go see about your wife.

Shes having another mental fit.

I thought youd been stealing my liquor.

Aint nobody stealing nothing from you, Mr. Gravel.

Well see about that.

You didnt know I marked these, did you?

Here. Look here. See this pencil line?

That was marked just yesterday.

Youve had quite a few cocktails.

Havent you, Grizelda?

What else have you pilfered? Ill have a look in that purse.

You aint looking in my purse.

Why not? Got something to hide?

Dont you know men arent supposed to look

in a ladys handbag?

Lady? Youre fired, Grizelda.

No wonder you people are always in the unemployment line.

Now give me that bag!

I dont want no white man looking at my Tampax!

I wouldnt worry about your Tampax if I were you.

Well, look at this.

My savings account book with withdrawal slips.

My lottery ticket.

And two rolls of toilet paper.

Im placing you under citizens arrest.

Im gonna call the police and report you.

Get off of me, milkhead!

Well, I see youre finally here.

Its a little late, isnt it?

The children are having sex. Beth is pregnant.

I narrowly missed an assassination attempt

a few moments ago. Will you please do something?

Honey, its just your mind playing tricks.

Oh, get off me.

My skin crawls when you touch it.

I could rip your lips off!

That miserable man.

When I think of the abuse that I have taken..

Peggy. Peggy.

Am I living in hell?

Is that it? Have I gone straight to hell?

Dont leave this kitchen, Grizelda.

Im going to give Peggy her medication

and then Ill be back to deal with you.

Pfft.

Peg?

Get out!

Lets have a little medication, alright?

Youre just upset. Now, whats the matter?

Everything was going so well.

Get out of here, you stinking piece of flesh!

Dont say those things, Peggy.

Come on. This will make you feel better. Give me your arm.

Oh, you touched me! Now my flesh is rotting.

The touch of scum!

Stop it, Peggy. Dont make me use force.

Let me give you your shot.

Or Ill call the hospital. Stay away!

Oh, God! Peggy, Im going to have to commit you again!

Ow! Ow!

Help!

Grizelda, hes trying to kill me!

Help!

Somebody, help me. Help me! Please help me!

Back off, asshole!

Ah!

Are you alright, Mrs. Gravel? Did he hurt you?

No, but he tried. Look! Look, hes attacking!

Down, boy! Down! Down! Down!

Down, down, down, down.

Down, down.

Oh. Oh, God! Oh.

He-hes dead, isnt he?

Oh! Damn. O-oh!

Were in big trouble now, Mrs. Gravel!

Oh, my God! Hes dead! Oh, God!

Hurry!

Why did you tell me to come this way?

You know I hate nature.

Look at those disgusting trees, stealing my oxygen.

Oh, I cant stand this scenery another minute.

All natural forests

should be turned into housing developments.

I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation.

Dont we taxpayers have a voice anymore?

Do you ever shut up?

The police are out looking for us, you know.

Were gonna camp out here overnight.

Camp out? Oh, not me.

Now, you listen to me, Ms. Peggy Gravel.

You better calm yourself down

before I haul off and smack you upside your wide, wide head.

We killed your husband and I aint your maid anymore, bitch.

Im your sister in crime.

Please, dont sit on me.

Uh-oh, here come the honkers already.

Okay, witches. Up against the car. Arms up on the car.

One false move and your heads will fly through them trees.

What is this? Are you kidding me?

Does it looking like Im kidding, mau-mau?

Officer, I am an outpatient from the hospital

and Im very prone to anxiety attacks.

So please treat me with therapeutic courtesy.

Ha! I know who you are.

Theres an all-points bulletin out for both of you.

Youre Peggy Gravel and you killed your husband.

Why, thats preposterous! We were about to have a picnic.

Dont give me that shit. Youre trying to escape to Mortville.

Ive never heard of no town called Mortville.

Well, you should have. You belong there.

Its a special town for people like you two.

People who should be embarrassed by what theyve done.

I just might let you go there. That is if you cooperate.

What do we have to do for you, Sheriff ShitFace?

Sit on that car hood, youll see.

Ive got something to show you first.

You like lingerie?

How do you like these little numbers?

I sent away to em from Fredericks.

They was expensive.

I love the feel of cold nylon on my big butt.

Will you please stop it?

I have never found the antics of deviants

to be one bit amusing.

What I like best is a French kiss

when Im all dressed.

Dont expect no kiss from me, Liverlips.

Come, on. Take off your underpants. Hand em over.

I knew cops was sick, but..

Ah! These are big ones. A little plain for my taste.

NowI think Ill slip em on.

How does that look? Pretty sexy, huh?

Now how about that kiss?

If I kiss you, will you let us go?

You bet. I want a real wet one now.

Goddamn gum. Now, that was a real soul kiss.

Okay, buster, youve had your fun.

Now, which way to Mortville?

I aint through yet.

Mrs. Gravel, Id like to examine your underpants.

I will not!

I thought you wanted to go to Mortville.

They let killers live there scot-free.

I have never been so mortified in my entire life.

Here, Blossom.

Thats more like it. Ah, these are from Bloomingdales.

Youve got good taste.

I think Ill try to fit my big business into them.

O-oh!

Theyre tight, but they sure feel good.

Now do I get my little kiss-kiss?

No! Please, not a kiss. I swear Ill gag.

Mount me if you must, but not a kiss!

Come on, now, Im all dressed up in my pretty underthings

and I need a little lip suction.

And now for that mouth.

Id like to stick my whole head in your mouth

and let you suck out my eyeballs.

I bet youd like that, wouldnt you?

What are you hogs looking at? The shows over! Beat it!

Mortville is up that way! Follow that dirt road.

Go ahead before I haul your ass to jail!

Ill take a slice, please.

You want lemon meringue or chocolate?

Chocolate, honey. Okay.

Thatll be ten cents.

Could you recommend a rooming house

where we could spend the night?

I dont think I like it here.

Its filthy and the people are repulsive.

We have no choice, Peggy, and its better than jail.

Ill tell you, Grizelda, there is something wrong here.

Look around you. Its a village of idiots.

Somebody help me.

Cant you act normal? Just act normal for a change.

Please. There must be a Quality Court or something.

I cant go in that hog pen.

Oh, shut up.

Oh!

Can I help you? We were raped.

Please, give us shelter. You were raped?

Look, dont pay no attention to her.

We need to rent a room. You got money on you?

I am a very wealthy woman.

Yeah and Im Cybill Shepherd.

Come on in here. We might work something out.

That is, if you got money.

My names Mole, Mole McHenry.

Im Peggy Gravel. Its nice to meet you.

Im Grizelda, Grizelda Brown. Im Peggys psychiatric nurse.

Rooms out back.

Nothing fancy, but its a roof over your head.

Come on, Ill show you.

Shh! My girlfriends sleeping.

Yeah, youre lucky its empty.

My last tenant shot himself in here last night.

That dumb fuck left a mess everywhere.

Oh!

Ah, damn! It stinks in here.

What do you think? Do you want it?

Will he be removed?

Yeah, Ill get the stiff outta here

but dont think I got time for all the chores in the world.

No linens until I soak these in cold water.

And we aint got no toilets in Mortville.

How do we..

I guess youll just have to use your imagination.

I see. I see.

How much cash you got? Give me that!

Six bucks. Hey, you are a rich one.

A lottery ticket. Ill take that and Ill win it.

Whats this? A bank book?

A lot of good thatll do you here.

There-there arent any banks in Mortville?

There aint nothin here, lady.

Nobodys got one red cent in Mortville

except for that queen.

The queen? Can she help us?

You got a lot to learn about living in Mortville.

I think wed like to take the room.

Its all yours, sweetheart.

You hungry? Yeah.

I think Im gonna eat some chow and I got a little extra.

Looks like you got a big appetite.

Id be happy to help with the preparation.

Well, this one takes the cake.

You both sure are ugly bitches.

Go on, sit down.

Hey, Muffy. We got company.

We really hadnt planned on coming here.

Were from the Guilford neighborhood in Baltimore.

I been to Baltimore a few times. Bumburg, I hate it.

All them hillbilly fucks looking at you.

Well, if you want to know the truth

we had no choice, but to come to Mortville.

Were in a lot of trouble.

You see, Im quite prominent

and weaccidentally killed my husband.

I dont care what you did.

Nobodys in Mortville for a vacation.

We all did something, or we wouldnt be here

in the first place.

Dinners served.

Im really not that hungry.

I invited you to dinner and you accepted.

Now youll eat this if I have to jam it down your throat.

Muffy, I called you to dinner.

Do I have to come in there and smack you?

You dont have to shout the house down.

I heard you alright already.

This is my-y girlfriend

Muffy St. Jacques.

The most beautiful woman in all of Mortville.

Hi.

This is Grizelda and, uh, I forget your name.

Peggy, Peggy Gravel. Its a pleasure.

We rent the room out back

so I guess well be neighbors.

Oh, really?

Well, I sleep in the room right next to you. Naked.

Youre five minutes late for dinner, Muffy.

Dont you remember our little talk about your laziness?

I was having an erotic dream.

I warned you about thinking about men

before your afternoon nap.

Dirty thoughts about dirty men bring on dirty dreams

and youre a dirty girl, Muffy.

Mole, I cant help what I think about.

After all, its not my fault

Mr. Sandman is not a bulldozer like you.

Im warning you, Muffy.

Mole, sometimes I need a man.

Im a man, Muffy.

A man trapped in a womans body.

Yeah, Mole, but you dont have the same big deal.

Take it back!

Take it out! It hurts!

Take back what you said to me!

Okay, Mole, youre the only one.

I love you. Youre my man. Im only queer..

Thats better.

You see, Muffy knows how I feel about men.

Im not one to be pushed over my limit.

That hurt!

Go!

Come on, come on.

There they are. Dont move, scags.

Youre both under arrest by the order of Queen Carlotta.

Anything you say could put you in front of the firing squad.

Take it easy! We aint fighting you!

Help us! Please, help us!

Oh, dont worry. Standard procedure in Mortville.

Officer, would you like a cup of gin or something?

Stay back, peasant woman! Oh! Oh.

Right up here. Hold it right there.

Right there. Come on.

Come on, you fatso. Get up in there.

Oh, Peggy.

Peggy. Peggy.

Oh, Grizelda, I cant.

Oh, Peggy. Peggy.

Lets go! Come on! Get out of there. Lets go.

Come on. Come on. Lets go.

Come on, get up there. Lets go.

Come on! Move it!

Come on!

Hey, boys, look what I brought you!

We brought you some fresh meat.

Fresh meat.

Get on your knees.

We got something good for you, girl.

Dont be crying, crybaby.

Daddys not going to leave you now.

Asshole. Asshole.

Her Majesty, the Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

Welcome to Mortville, ladies.

I read in the big city papers that you are wanted for murder.

The murder of a certain Mr. Bosley Gravel.

We only--

You are interrupting my flow of power!

Give these peasants a little dinner, Lieutenant Wilson.

I bet theyre hungry after a long day of breakin laws.

Here. Nice live roaches. Oh, no. No.

Come on, eat these fucking things!

Come on, eat em ! Eat em.

Eat em, goddamn it! Eat em.

Eat these things! Eat these roaches!

Plenty left for you too, honey.

Come on, eat em ! Eat em. Swallow those goddamn things.

Eat em !

Now listen to me, riffraff.

Every word I ever utter

is to be taken as a direct royal proclamation

or face death by the firing squad.

Yes, maam. Maam?

Im your Royal Highness

and I demand that you address me as such!

Yes, Your Royal Highness.

Lets show them were not kidding.

Bring in the prisoner, Lieutenant Wilson.

Come on, you rotten son of a bitch.

You bastard.

Any last words, goon face?

You can lick my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig.

Oh, ready, aim, fire!

I advise you to listen carefully, rubbish.

Royal proclamation number one.

As long as you live in Mortville

you must always consider me your God.

And if you ever see me on the streets

fall to your knees and shout, I honor you, Queen Carlotta!

Royal proclamation number two.

You must live here in constant mortification

solely existing to bring me and my tourists

moments of royal amusement.

Im not responsible for your income

your living conditions, or your personal happiness.

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

Yes, Your Royal Majesty.

And you, Mrs. Gravel, murderess?

Youve made yourself quite clear.

Your..

Your Royal Majesty.

So be it!

Lieutenant Williams, take them to our ugly expert

and give them a complete overhaul.

And when you walk down the streets of Mortville

make sure youre dressed like what you really are.

Trash!

Remove them!

Come on! Were through here!

Up. Up on your feet! Come on! Out!

Out. Come on. Out, out, out.

Are my duties of discipline ever over, Lieutenant Wilson?

Remove me from this contraption.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

Yes, I know, I know.

Get me into my royal cot and be quick.

Come on, come on. I havent got all day.

Come on. Hurry, hurry.

Come on. Yes. Come on..

If it pleases the queen, Royal Security has reported

that the Princess Coo-Coo has returned to the castle.

Shes been out all night again with that garbage man.

That child of mine will be the death of me.

Take me to her chambers. I honor you, Your Majesty.

Be quick, come on, lets go. Get out of the way! Come on!

Hurry! Come on! Out of the way!

Come on, get out of the way. Come on, hurry up.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta. Come on, be quick. Come on.

Alright, get out of the way.

Come on. Hurry.

Ill call you when I need you, Lieutenant Wilson.

I honor you, Your Majesty.

Coo-Coo, I must have a little talk with you.

Oh, leave me alone, mummy.

Ive had a wonderful evening

and I dont want it spoiled with your nosy nagging.

A wonderful evening with a garbage man?

Hes not a garbage man.

He just helps pick up trash at the nudist colony.

I hardly think that a nudist janitor

is the proper escort for a royal princess.

Im 38 years old and I can date who I please.

Youve no right to order me around

like one of your subjects.

You may not realize it, Coo-Coo

but you have an awesome responsibility

on your shoulders.

One day, all Mortville will be yours

and you must learn to rule with dignity.

I dont want to be queen of anywhere.

Mother, I want to marry Herbert!

Herbert? Is that his name? Its a beautiful name.

You would step down from your throne for the love of a mutant?

But, mummy, I love him. Well, I wont have it!

Im afraid Im going to have to punish you, Coo-Coo.

Youre forbidden to leave your room until your 40th birthday!

I wont stay in this castle.

I love Herbert. Im gonna marry him and you wont stop me!

Now youve given me another nosebleed!

I hate this stupid town. Get out of here.

Leave me in peace. Excuse me, Your Highness..

Take me to my bedroom and lock Coo-Coo for the night.

No, no, no. No, no-o!

Come on. Hurry up, hurry up.

That daughter of mine is a delinquent.

Im gonna have to take drastic steps with her.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

Can you make it, Your Highness?

I suppose so.

I believe its your night to service me, Lieutenant Wilson.

Im always eager, Your Highness.

Oh, that love muscle. Whip it out and shove it hard.

Oh, come on, daddy. Fuck me, come on.

Ooh! Glow, little inchworm.

Oh, look at those balls!

Oh, daddy, come on.

Ooh! Look at that pout. Yeah!

Oh, come on, come on.

Oh, come on, Lieutenant. I havent got all night.

Come on. Oh, come on.

Dont bother with the head.

The V in my crotch is what needs the attention.

But I can fuck like a bandit, Your Highness.

Rob my safety deposit box then.

Dig for gold, dig for gold.

Oh, Your Highness. Im entering..

Go, daddy, go all night. Get it.

Get it, get it, get it.

Pretty outfits.

Funny, is it?

Well, let me tell you

I wouldnt wear this outfit to a dog fight.

Maybe you two have resigned yourselves

to a subhuman life in this slum of a town

but I, Peggy Gravel, have not.

You better hush up before Mole loses her temper and smacks you.

Just shut up, Peggy.

No, I wont shut up. You shut up!

Ill tell you, my blue blood is about ready to boil.

Hey! You listen to me, wacko.

See this fist?

Im about ready to use that hatchet-face

of yours as a punching bag.

Now sit down and shut up!

Moles right, Peggy.

I am sick of listenin to your bitchin.

The next time you feel a fit comin on, go outside and bitch.

Bitch at the air. Bitch at the trees.

But dont bitch at us.

But bitching isnt relief if theres no one to hear it.

Well, we cant all be your psychiatrist, honey.

Weve got problems of our own.

Well, why are you in Mortville?

Oh, its a long ugly story.

Go ahead, Muffy. Tell her.

Maybe shed stop feeling sorry for herself.

I wasnt always like this.

Oh, I mean, of course, I was always visually stunning.

But I was married to a man and I had a baby named Freddy.

It was about two years ago

and my husband and I were just returning from a cocktail party.

Let me drive.

Get off, I can drive. Always trying to boss me around.

Youre drunkas per usual. Ah!

Every time we step out of the house, you get dead drunk.

When youre married to a nag, a mans gotta drink.

First I have to be mortified in front of our friends.

Now I have to be mortified in front of the baby-sitter.

I suppose Ill have to drive her home.

Ill take her.

Yeah, youll take her straight to the graveyard.

Let me drive. Get off, Ill take her.

Check it out.

This motherfucker is having a little party.

What are you doing here?

What is this?

Who are you? Get out of my house.

Wheres my baby?

My Freddy! Get out of my liquor!

Oh, Freddy.

Oh, my God. Hes gone.

Oh, my God.

What have you done with my baby?

I dont know, Im trippin. Trippin? Wheres Freddy?

I think I put him in the kitchen.

The kitchen? Oh, Freddy, Freddy.

Oh, Freddy, Freddy.

Little Freddy. Oh, baby.

Hey, got any downers?

My baby. You little tramp.

My baby was in the refrigerator.

So dont pay me. Dont pay me, then.

Dont pay you? You little snip.

Oh, thats alright.

Ah!

Come on, bitch. Eat some dog food.

No.

Eat it!

Eat it.

Eat it, you bitch.

Put my baby in the refrigerator.

Eat it.

Murderer.

Oh, good Christ.

Are you crazy? Are you trying to kill her?

Get your stinkin liquor breath out of my face, you drunken..

Ah. Oh-ho-ho.

You..

You crazy woman, you crazy..

Open this window.

Youre crazy, you should be in a mental hospital.

You drunk! Get away from me. Take your ass to AA.

Get out of here, you slob. Get out of here, dont touch me.

Im sorry.

Ive never seen my baby again.

The press still calls me The Dog Food Murderess.

I can never go back.

I couldnt bear the shame.

And you, Mole, what happened to you?

Well, Ive been in Mortville for ten long years

and Ill tell ya, it isnt very pretty

what a town without pity can do.

What brought me here was a championship wrestlin match.

It was back in 1966.

And I was fightin under the name of Rastlin Rita.

My challenger was Big Jimmy Dong the Human Blockhead.

Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Ringside Arena.

Tonights main event

featuring, Big Jimmy Dong, The Human Blockhead.

And in the opposite corner

his opponent, Rastlin Rita.

Fuck you!

That ended my professional rastlin career

and Ive been here ever since

sittin in my own stink and tryin to figure a way out.

But our lucks gonna be changin. Right, Muff?

Right, Mole. Were gonna win that lottery.

I believe that was our lottery ticket.

It was yours, but you rented a room, asswipe.

That tickets mine now.

Well, you better give us our share.

We need money. Were not trash like you.

Were not used to this low-class life.

Ill wipe the floor with you.

Break it up. Break it up.

Rip her head right off.

Those lottery tickets aint no good no way.

The odds are a million to one.

Dont say that. Youll hex our good luck.

Im warnin you both.

You better stay out of my way.

Cause when old Mole gets mean

theres no tellin what shell do.

Peggy, I think its time for bed now.

We both need a good nights sleep.

Oh, Ill sleep, alright.

Maybe in my dreams, I can forget about this rotten little town

and its disgusting population.

As far as Im concerned, you two belong in Mortville.

Oh!

Oh, those bosoms drive me berserk, baby.

That was an uh-uh!

Peggy. Oh, Peggy.

Go, Peggy, go!

Get it, Peggy. Get it!

Get it! Oh, Peggy.

Grizelda, its so unnatural.

Oh, get it! Just get it, Peggy!

But I dont know how.

Just eat it, Peggy. Eat it, eat it!

If its good enough for Gertrude Stein.

Eat it, Peggy!

Ooh! Ah, ah.

Ah, ah!

Wake up! Wake up!

Lets go!

Come on, lets go! Get out of bed!

What the fuck is that now?

Come on, wake up. Royal proclamation.

All residents must read the royal proclamation.

Here, stupid. Ha ha ha.

Huh?

You wont believe this, Muffy.

That cow has gone too far this time.

Listen to this shit.

Royal proclamation.

Queen Carlotta has proclaimed today as Backwards Day.

All residents must wear their clothes backwards

and walk backwards at all times.

Anyone who fails to perform for the tourists

will be immediately executed.

Oh, God! You mean, we have to walk around backwards all day?

Looks that way, Muffy.

Oh, and Im on empty stomach yet.

Mole, Im starving to death.

Hmm, ditto, doll face.

The cupboards bare, Muffy.

Oh, it aint right to wake up

hearin your own stomach growlin.

I guess well just have to wait for the food dump.

Everywhere I looks a big nothing.

Id eat anything.

I know, Mole. Im so hungry I could eat cancer.

Isnt this a godsend?

Pussy brought daddy some breakfast.

I hope those other two arent expecting

a continental breakfast.

Cause old Moles gonna chomp this down in one big bite.

Oh.

Ooh, look, marshmallow. Oh, that looks good.

Mmm, and Cheez-its for my little tummy.

Mmm.

Mmm, this is so, its so good.

Well, good morning, little birdy.

Youre a cute little fella. Want some pizza?

I bet youre hungry.

Yes, birdy, birdy, birdy.

I bet you flew all the way to Mortville

just to see Backwards Day, didnt you?

Well, you flew into the right window

cause Im your Queen.

Yeah.

Excuse me, Your Highness, but Princess Coo-Coo

has just escaped from her royal bedroom.

She what?

That little M.F. Come on and get me into my cot.

Be quick, too. Come on. I honor you, Your Majesty.

Come on, you goons. Come on.

Get me into that cot.

Come on. Lets hurry, lets hurry.

Come on. Lets go, lets go.

Come on, come on.

Come on, you big ape. Hurry up, hurry up.

Come on.

Why, that ungrateful little whippersnapper.

She escaped by shimmying down this rope of sheets.

On Backwards Day yet?

I want you morons to find her

and as for that garbage man, I want him shot on sight.

Damn that hellcat of a daughter of mine.

That good-for-nothing, simple-minded scallywag.

Damn, damn, damn it.

Oh, Christ.

Oh. Pardon me.

Watch it, clown. Sorry.

Hi, Mr. Paul.

Hi, doll face!

This Backwards Days a lot of shit, aint it?

Sure is, Mr. Paul. It sure is.

Can we come?

Oh, fuck.

Wait, wait!

Wait for us!

Come on.

Sorry, nudists only. No tourists.

Shina, its me Muffy.

Well, why didnt you say it was the most

beautiful woman in Mortville?

Hi, darlin. Hey, Mr. Mole.

This is Grizelda and Peggy. Theyre new in Mortville.

Its nice to meet you.

Shina, you got todays paper around?

We wanna see if we won the Maryland lottery.

You know newspapers are contraband.

But I sure hope you do win.

This town could stand a little glamour.

I tell you, Im gettin fed up.

Were all fed up, Shina.

At least you dont have to participate in Backwards Day.

I know, Im surprised the Queen didnt order me

to wear my vagina backwards.

Excuse me, but I must see Herbert. Herbert, my love.

I honor you, Princess Coo-Coo. I honor you.

Oh, you dont have to do that. Im not like my mother.

Im a normal person. Come on, now.

Get up. Please, get up.

Herberts out there searchin for garbage as usual Princess.

But I tell you, if you two are havin an affair, be careful.

That Queen will cut off your ears.

Let her do it. Herbert doesnt care if I have ears.

He only cares about my mind.

Herbert. Coo-Coo, Coo-Coo.

Oh, Coo. I worship the ground you walk on.

I couldnt keep my mind on my work all mornin.

Every piece of trash I had to pick up reminded me of you.

An old candy wrapper made me think of how sweet you are.

A snotty Kleenex made me realize how much Id cry

if we ever had to part.

An old rubber made me think of all the nights of Eros

we have before us.

I love you, Coo-Coo. Oh, Herbert.

I masturbated 14 times last night just thinkin of you.

And when I finally did fall asleep

my dreams were not exactly dry.

Take me now, Herbert.

Take me in front of the whole town.

Oh, my God. Oh, no, no.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no. What hell lays in store for us now?

I dont know, Peggy. Just keep up with Mole.

How do you like that, you pervert?

Get him, girl. Yay!

What kind of a bar is this?

Who asked you to sit with us, anyway?

Well, I have to use the ladies room.

The piss holes out back. Ill save your seat for you.

Oh! Over here, baby.

Oh, no. Sit on my face.

Stop it. No! Oh, God. Sit on my face over here.

No, Stop. Leave me alone.

Oh, lookin for some action?

Oh, no. Come on.

Leave me alone. It wont hurt.

Just leave me alone. Come on.

No, go away! Leave me alone.

Well have a good time. Leave me alone, stop!

Stop, stop, stop.

I wanna-- Go away.

Leave me alone. Freak.

Please, just go away.

Go away.

Oh, God. Oh, please just go away. Just leave me alone.

Just leave me alone, please.

Just leave me alone.

Oh, God. No, no.

Flipper, yeah.

Oh, God, get off.

Im not trying to be rude, really

but I cant stay in here any longer.

Oh, whats the matter? Dont you like fun?

This is not my idea of fun.

Grizelda, please walk me back to the house.

Oh, loosen up a bit.

I have no desire to be a loose person

and you should stop drinking before you get dead drunk.

Oh, come on. Ill walk you back.

I dont get you, Peggy.

Yeah, you leech onto us and then all you do is complain.

Let the little babies go home.

Boy, if you dont like this bar

there is really something wrong with you.

Kill him, Flip.

Get him, Flipper.

Hit him. Come on, you guys.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

See you next Tuesday. Same time, same place.

Bye!

You lazy bitch.

Im out workin my tail off all day

and youre in there fuckin midgets.

Isnt that the pits?

Oh, Flipper, now. Dont start that shit.

Shes just an old friend of mine.

Come on, now. Get in here.

Old friend, my ass.

Youve turned my apartment into your own private

passion pit, havent you?

You better cram it, Flipper. Not in front of company.

Sorry if we interrupted anything.

You didnt interrupt anything, Mole.

Flippers so jealous

she thinks the toilets I sit on is her competition.

What can I do for ya?

Tryin to find todays paper. You got one, Shotsie?

Yeah, I got one around here somewhere.

Just wait a minute here.

Hey, alright. Here you go.

There it is. Oh, there it is.

Maryland lottery listings. Here they are.

08555321. We did it, Muffy.

Were rich. I want my own chauffeur.

We won $1,000. Thank you, God.

Shut up, Muffy. Shut up.

Look at all those dummies.

Come on you apes, hurry up.

Hurry up.

Come on, lets be quick.

Look at those dummies.

Gimme that. Its mine. Its mine.

Attention, attention.

The Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

We honor you, Queen Carlotta. Hail Queen Carlotta.

Hey, morons, you got your clothes on backwards.

Oh, gosh. This is fun.

Hi, stupid.

Hi, ugly.

Ohew.

That senile old cunt.

I wish I had a rifle with a telescopic lens in it.

Id help you pull the trigger, Mole.

Squeaky Fromme, where are you when we need you?

I cant resist.

That hog face is too much of a moving target to ignore.

God damn it. Who threw that?

God damn it.

Oh, Herbert. Were safe now.

Im sorry I had to drag you all that way

but those silly nudists wanted to bury you.

Oh, I love you too, my darling.

Mother cant hurt us now.

Well get married tonight.

Oh, you dont look so well.

I hope you perk up for our honeymoon.

What the hell is this?

Im sorry. I know its rude to bring my lover here

especially since I dont even know you.

But my mothers armys trying to kill my Herbert.

Young woman, that man is already dead.

No, hes not. Hes just asleep.

Arent you, Herbert? Say hi to the nice ladies.

Youd better get your lilly-white ass

out of here before we all get shot.

Please dont kick me out. Those soldiers are looking for me.

My motherll lock me up in the castle if she finds me.

You obviously belong in a mental hospital.

Oh, look whos callin the kettle black.

Shes just upset. Now be easy on her.

I will not!

I dont want some renegade necrophile princess

as my roommate.

Its just for a few days.

Dont be so selfish.

Selfish? Ill show you selfish.

Get out of here, mongoloid!

Take your stinking corpse of a boyfriend with you.

Oh, Herbert, this ladys being so mean to me.

Dont cry, princess.

Ill try and help you some way.

There, there. Everythings gonna be alright.

Go ahead. Feel her up. Just like you did to me.

Find em, feel em, fuck em, forget em!

Is that your new motto?

Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy

before I plug it up with my fist.

Youre just like all the rest of the common dykes in this town.

What the hell do you mean, dyke?

A fat dyke! Fat dyke!

Help, police! The princess is in my house!

Youre under arrest by order of Her Highness

the Queen Carlotta.

Okay..

Out. Ah!

Whats going on in here?

Whats happening in here?

Ah!

Oh. Ah.

Come on, you little bitch.

Get out of there. Get up.

Your mothers waiting to see you.

Oh, Herbert.

Come on.

Those snotty bitches got a lot of nerve

wrecking our guest house.

I shouldve gotten a security deposit from those assholes.

Yeah. You let riffraff in and they bring

the neighborhood down every time.

Look, baby, I got to get my ass into Baltimore

to claim our money and do some shoppin.

Will you be alright while Im gone?

Oh, sure. Ill be fine, but you be careful.

Alright, then. Lock those doors. And dont fuck any men.

Oh, go! Go take it off. Lets see some ass.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Strip faster! Lets see some private areas.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I see London. Oh, I see France.

Oh, spread those legs, baby!

Oh, yessiree. A Hollywood love.

Come on.

That love muscle I want to see it.

Oh.

Come on over here with that thing.

Youre a wicked little boy.

Gettin me all heated up, arent you?

Im gonna have to give you a spankin.

Ive been a bad little boy, havent I, Your Highness?

You certainly have, Grogan.

Now, get up here with that behind.

Come on, over my knee, you little bastard!

Thisll teach you to arouse royalty.

Harder. Harder.

Ah.

May I get up, Your Majesty? Yes, get up, stupid.

I hope you didnt leave no pecker tracks on my gown.

May I get dressed, Your Majesty?

Yes, please do.

Your body has a certain odor about it

that always annoys me!

An odor, Your Majesty? Yes, a wretched stench.

I wash daily, Your Majesty. Wash harder in the future.

There is a noticeable odor zone somewhere on your body

and Id appreciate it if you could locate it

and deodorize it.

Ill try and correct it, Your Majesty.

Oh, we cant all be perfect, Lieutenant Grogan.

Come on over here and sit besides my feet.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

You honor me

but certain commoners in this town obviously dont.

Someone threw a mudball at me today.

If only I had a little pink button to push

that could wipe out this town.

Tell me, is it possible to get me a hydrogen bomb?

I doubt it, Your Majesty.

How about germ warfare?

Do you know anything about that?

You mean poisoning the population?

Yes, that sounds like a fun project.

How about rabies?

Could we spread that disease inexpensively?

I think so, Your Majesty.

All we need is some rabid bat pus to make a serum.

Fine! Lets try it.

Rabid bat pus and lets put in

a little rat piss for good luck.

Youre a genius, Your Majesty.

I know. I know.

You let me out of here, mummy! You murderess! You rat!

Stinking fascist slug!

Swine.

Quiet with the crying.

Your Majesty, Herbert the garbage man is dead.

And thanks to this noble peasant woman

we have captured Coo-Coo and returned her to the castle.

Release the prisoners!

Oh, thank you. Your Wonderful Majesty.

You bilious ball of blubber.

You rotten, stinking..

Come on, get back here!

Thats the last straw, Coo-Coo!

I hereby proclaim--

Oh, shut up.

I hereby proclaim

that you are no longer the Princess of Mortville.

Youll be gang-raped by my soldiers

injected with rabies

and exiled to the streets of Mortville where you belong.

I consider that an honor, Your Royal Hogness

to once and for all be freed from this mockery of a monarchy.

I will never live down the shame of my inherited name

but I will do my best to see that you topple from the throne.

Seize her and fuck her!

Yeah.

That was a courageous decision, Your Majesty.

You may stand, Mrs. Gravel.

I appreciate your help in capturing my daughter.

Loyalty to the Queen sometimes results in rewards.

Let me be the new princess, Your Majesty.

I have seen the human trash of Mortville

and I share your contempt for this town.

My subjects are beneath contempt, Mrs. Gravel.

Dealing with the poor people is a waste of time.

Only the rich should be allowed to live.

I like your politics, Mrs. Gravel.

And to tell the truth

I need a woman like yourself to follow in my footsteps.

If you looked all over this land, Your Majesty

I doubt youd find a woman as vicious as I.

Well give you a trial run.

Your first duty will be to help my soldiers

spread rabies to everyone in town.

Do you think you can handle that?

Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

And I know just the person I want to give it to first.

Dr. Robbie Singer. Dr. Kate Purcell..

May I help you? Yeah, I want a sex change.

Uh, step over here, please.

Hey, look. Im in a rush.

So Id appreciate it if you took me before these other turkeys.

Do you have an appointment? No, I dont.

Im sorry

but we dont see anyone here without an appointment.

Well, you do now, Nurse Nancy.

Come on, bitch! Cut these tits off!

Im only the nurse! The doctor is not in.

Like hell he isnt!

Sorry, Dr. Freedman. Come on, quack.

I want the sex change, and I want it now.

Why, Madam, the sex change is a long, complicated process.

We just cant--

Just give me the basics, or Ill cut her head off.

Look, why dont you just fill out the necessary forms

and well see if--

Cut the sermon and give me my wang!

I want a wang, and I want it now.

I can only do so much under the circumstances.

If you dont give me a sex change

Ill cut off your peter and sew it on me, myself!

UhIll see what I can do, Madam.

Hi, big boys.

Ill bet you didnt know that mommy won the Maryland lottery.

Yes!

Im gonna be buying you lots of new push-up bras.

So get ready for your new home.

Things are gonna be looking up for you two.

Well, howdy, Miss Muffy! Oh, Mole, you made it!

I missed you. I was worried about you.

You got the money?

I sure do, honey. Look at those greenbacks.

Oh, thank God, Mole. Money at last.

Good old germ-carrying American currency.

What you got in the shopping bag?

Presents, Muffy. Presents fit for a queen.

Can I open them?

You sure can, you big hunk of beauty.

Come on, hurry up, honey.

Ah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, a new bra! Its beautiful!

Try it on, honey. Let me help you. Quick.

Get them boys in there. Just a minute.

Oh, hook it. Hook it for me, Mole.

Got em in there? Yeah, hook it.

Ooh, yum, yum. That support feels heavenly.

Hold still, now. Ooh, hook it. Hook it.

Hold still. Oh, tie a knot. Anything.

Ooh. Oh, my God.

What else you got for me? What else?

Ah. Just a second.

Oh, a mink coat. A mink coat! What else? What else you got?

Try this one, gorgey. Oh, what is it?

Youll love it.

I feel just like a little girl on Christmas morning.

A gown! Its stunning.

Oh, it makes me glad I was born a woman.

Oh, youll have to help me with this.

Oh, Im too nervous.

Just a minute. There it goes.

Take them goddamn panties off for a change.

Oh, Im beginning to feel like a queen already.

You will be queen, Muffy. I promise you.

Look at these huggers.

Oh, firearms! Goody, goody gumdrops.

This ones mine, and this little .38 is all for you.

Oh! Youre so good to me, Mole.

I dont know what Id do without you.

I got another surprise for you, Muffy.

A real big surprise.

Something you never even asked for.

A Chihuahua? No. Youll see.

Close your eyes. No peeking, now.

You wont believe this, Muffy. I cant wait.

Well, hurry. The suspense is killing me.

Oh, yeah!

You can open em now.

What have you done to yourself, Mole?

Well, I got the sex change just for you, Muffy.

Get away from me with that deformed worm!

Youre sick, Mole! Youre a weirdo pervert!

Oh, just let me try it once.

I gotta see if it works. Its a brand-new model.

I got it at Hopkins Hospital, Muffy.

Ah! Cut it off, Mole!

Rid your body of that disgusting transplant!

It never goes soft, Muffy.

Oh, cut it off, Mole!

Alright, then. If thats what you really want.

Cut it off. Cut it off. Alright.

So much for science, Muffy.

Ah.

A lovely potion.

Ah, yes.

But it needs something.

A lovely bat.

And a touch of rat.

Ah. A little rat urine.

Just what the doctor ordered.

That ought to give it a little kick.

Goons, bring in Princess Coo-Coo

and tell her, her medicines ready.

Get off me with those semen-stained hands you big ape.

I can walk by myself.

Well, if it isnt commoner Coo-Coo

the grave robber.

All ready for your little injection?

You ass-kissing little snitch.

One day Ill get my hands on you.

I doubt youll have the time.

For you are now..

the proud owner of rabies.

Come on, you little bitch. Get your ass out here.

On the streets, scumbag! Dont bite anybody, dog face!

Oh, ah.

Ouch.

Be brave, sugar. Be brave.

Ill fix you all up.

I thought youd like it, Muffy.

I thought you wanted a man.

I just said that to make you jealous.

I like your organs just the way they were.

Now..

Now I wont have any organs.

Itll be like having a Barbie-doll crotch.

When I get through with these stitches

itll be close enough in my book.

Careful. This is gonna hurt.

Will, will you ever be able to love my operation?

Oh, Ill love it, Mole. Ill feel it. Ill love it.

Ill eat it. Just like old times.

Now, hold it. This is gonna hurt.

Who the hell is that?

Come in.

Hi, Your Majesty.

Holy shit, Mole. What happened to you?

Muffy just gave me an abortion.

You were pregnant, Mole?

Well, I wasnt gonna tell anybody

but I was raped by those lottery officials

when I picked up my money.

Men are such cunts.

Oh, men, women, theyre all okay with me as long as theyre nude.

All that sunshine mustve rotted your brain, Shina.

Yeah, theres nothing more disgusting than a nude man.

How many times I gotta tell you, men are genetic rejects.

And all that gristle they got hanging down between their legs

was Gods first big mistake.

And us woman have been paying for it ever since.

What is she doing in my home, anyway?

Be easy on her, Mole. Shes been through hell.

When we found her, she was regurgitating in the street.

Her mother the hog had her gang-raped.

The poor things had a terrible time.

You know that Gravel woman you were hanging out with?

Well, she works for the Queen now.

She shot Coo-Coo up with a rabies potion.

Im not surprised.

That snotty little social climber.

I knew I shouldve fractured her skull.

Can I get you anything, Coo-Coo? Are you infectious, honey?

I dont know.

My saliva tastes funny and I-I itch a lot.

Well, under the circumstances, well have to ask you

to refrain from using our kitchen utensils.

I wont breathe on anything. I promise.

But please help me kill my mother.

Hows Project Rabies coming along, Peggy?

Oh, I feel just like Jonas Salk.

Tomorrow is the first day of mass immunization

or at least thats what the morons of Mortville think.

Wont it be funny when they start collapsing on the street?

Itll be like walking through a human sewer.

I hope I get a chance

to kick every one of em right in the head

just as they gasp for their last breath.

Itll be beautiful.

A symphony of death rattles.

History will not forget this holiday of death.

Come on, girls.

Now, be quiet. Muffy?

Come on.

Hey, Officer cutie pie?

Theres someone down here to see you.

What do you want, slut?

Oh, Im just looking for a little fun.

Can I come up and see the inside of your bedroom?

Mmm..

Ive had a hard-on for this bitch for a long time.

You know you horny pigs arent supposed to come

cruising round the castle.

But, Officer, youre so cute I just couldnt resist.

Youre a shapely little mama, arent ya?

One down, girls. Score, Muffy!

Shh. Be quiet. Quietly, now.

Shut up!

Shh.

Eat lead, motherfuckers.

Have we got em, girls?

What was that, Your Majesty?

Its probably the dumb soldiers playing Russian roulette.

Ill go check it out, Your Highness.

Who is it? Whos out here?

Hold it right there, you royal asshole!

Get out of my chambers, lesbians!

Hey, you are through giving orders, meatball.

Youve humiliated us for the last time, warthog!

Let me bite her.

Let me sink my fangs into her fat little legs.

Go right ahead, honey. Give her the chomp of life.

Get away, child. Listen to me. Im your mother.

Im warning you!

Ah!

Oh, thank heavens. Youve rescued me.

I thought Id never get out of here alive.

Oh, come off it, pretty little Peggy.

I hope youre ready for your little debutante party in hell

cause thats where youre going!

You wouldnt kill a sister!

Oh, yes, we would. How about it, girls?

Yeah.

Should we give our sister a little rectal reminder

that we dont like

social climbers in Mortville?

Im gonna blow your bowels out.

Go ahead.

A single gunshot can never destroy the beauty of fascism.

Youre so low.

You make white trash look positively top drawer.

Oh, blow it out your ass.

You filthy muff divers will pay for this!

Shut your fucking mouth.

No dyke gives me orders. Oh, yeah, Queenie?

Well, how does this grab you?

Royal proclamation number one.

Kiss my ass!

Woo. Yeah.

You heard the new Queen.

Kiss it.

Kiss it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

Thats more like it, peon!

How about it, girls?

I think this town deserves

a little feast to celebrate this great day of independence.

We got ourselves the biggest turkey in the world.

So, why not eat her?

Yeah. Yeah.

Cook her and eat her. Cook her.

Attention all Mortville residents.

Queen Carlotta is dead.

Your days of humiliation have come to an end.

To celebrate this joyous occasion

I invite you to join me in a victory feast

in honor of our newly-found independence.

Let the ring of freedom be heard all over this land.

Mortville is at last..

a free city.

The queen is dead!