Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

[school bell ringing]

- Another way to deter attackers

is by using personal defense devices such as pepper spray.

I happen to have some.

Hmm. I swore it was in here.

[both chuckling]

It couldn't have just walked away.

[both chuckling]

- Hey, Butt-Head.

What's that stuff we took from the Army guy?

- Uh, let's see.

Uh...

Ma-

mass-

mass-ay?

Mac�. [chuckles]

It must be from France or something.

- Yeah, cool. [both chuckling]

[French accent] Monsieur! [chuckles]

Mon soir. [chuckles]

- Uh, hmm.

[chuckles]

So it's like a little spray bottle from France.

[chuckles]

And that cool Army guy had it.

- And he looked like he scores.

[chuckles]

- Whoa, Beavis, this must be cologne.

- Yeah, yeah.

Um, what's cologne?

- You spray it all over you and then when chicks smell it,

they want to, like, uh, get busy.

- Cool! I wanna try it. Yeah.

Maybe I'll score, yeah.

[chuckles]

Whoa. [chuckles]

No, that's not it.

I can't find the spray hole.

Let's see.

Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- Wait, Beavis, stop.

- What is it? What?

- [chuckling] You said hole.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

I guess I did. [chuckles]

Yeah, thanks, Butt-Head.

That was close.

Now, where was I?

[screams]

[groaning and screaming]

- Damn it, Beavis.

Stop hogging it.

- Oh, my God. - Butthole.

Give me that. [Beavis groaning]

[Butt-Head screams]

[groaning]

- Oh, Butt-Head.

[coughs and groans]

Is cologne supposed to hurt?

[Butt-Head coughs]

Yeah, dumbass.

That's how you know it's working.

- Yeah, but my face feels all hot and stuff.

And-and it hurts to see things.

[groans]

- Well, nobody said scoring was going to feel good.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, that's true.

I'm gonna score no matter how much it sucks.

Ow!

[tense music]

- What was that?

- I don't know. - That was a scream.

What happened? What happened?

- See, all of you were talking to a devil.

- We are going to be spending the entire night

inside this haunted location.

- [nasal voice] We are going to be spending the entire night

in this haunted location.

[both chuckling]

- All right, so this was John Stutt's house.

- I guess no one told them there's

no such thing as ghosts.

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

I saw a ghost once in the middle of the night

when I was a kid, and he told me

that I didn't see him and not to tell anyone.

And then when I woke up, all my mom's pills were gone.

[chuckles]

They didn't just disappear on their own.

- Uh, OK, Beavis.

- What we do know is that John himself

died in here in a chair.

We don't have the chair anymore.

So he died in the living room here.

- In the living room.

- [nasal voice] So he died in the living room.

Was he spanking any type of an animal?

Say, a monkey, perhaps? [both chuckling]

[indistinct chatter]

- This place is haunted with all the girls

he'll never score with.

[both chuckling]

- She's like, if you look in that mirror

and say "I've never scored" three times,

no chicks will appear.

[both chuckling]

- We're gonna leave the camera rolling here, though.

Probably the camera I'm holding.

And we're gonna leave the [indistinct] in here.

- He's like, um, if there are any hot chicks in here,

please make yourself known at this time, OK?

[chuckles]

I left a kickball here for you

in case you and your friends want to have some fun.

[chuckles]

- It's my favorite sport. [chuckles]

- The fridge is first base.

[chuckles] You know-

you know, I've never made it to first base.

With a chick or in kickball.

Interesting fact, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I can catch the kickball pretty good

if you kick it right to me.

[both chuckling]

- Curtis! - Whoa.

Yeah, I think it did say my name right there.

- He's like, you're wrong, Curtis.

No woman will ever say your name.

[both chuckling]

- And you're here somewhere for us?

- The ghost is like, tonight,

you will be visited by three ghosts.

the ghost of you're never gonna score past,

the ghost of you're never gonna score present,

and the ghost of you're never gonna score yet to come.

[both chuckling]

Only then will you understand the true meaning

of you're never gonna score.

[chuckles]

- What was that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There is, like, a figure. It's jumping on you.

- Whoa. - Really?

- The ghost is spanking his monkey. [chuckles]

- Eh, I think he's just, like, pointing to his schlong.

He's like, heh, yeah, here it is.

See that? [chuckles]

Yeah, I got your spirit swinging.

Come on. [chuckles]

Come on, you dorks.

You don't have to have bones to have a boner.

Hey, look at that, huh?

- There's two of 'em? [both chuckling]

What are they doing?

- The time to sleep alone is every time for this dude.

[both chuckling]

Uh, unexplained bang? [chuckles]

- I tell you, if this guy bangs anything,

it's definitely gonna be unexplained.

You know what I'm saying? He's a dork, this guy.

- This is it, Beavis.

We're finally going to score,

all thanks to our secret weapon of massay.

- You know, a lot of guys complain about not scoring.

Well, we're going to do something about it.

You know, um, my face is starting to feel a little bit

better now-[screams]

[Butt-Head groans]

- Uh-[coughs]

Now we are ready.

[coughs] Ugh.

- [grunts]

- Ow.

- Eh, ow.

- Ugh.

- [groaning] Butt-Head, is it working?

I can't see anything.

- Uh, yeah.

[chuckles] The chicks are already all over me.

Hey, baby. [chuckles]

First time at the mall?

[chuckles]

Yeah, that's cool, that's cool.

[chuckles]

- Ah!

[groans] Ow.

Ow. [chuckles]

- Damn it.

That chick was all stuck-up or something.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, I haven't scored yet either.

This sucks.

[chuckles]

- I think you're not wearing enough cologne,

and it's, like, messing up my game.

[chuckles]

- You know, Butt-Head, actually, I'm not sure

I want any more of that- [screams]

- Whoa, check it out. [Beavis continues screaming]

There's a new nachos place at the food court.

[chuckles] We should go eat there after we score.

- Ow!

- Get up, dumbass.

How are you supposed to get chicks lying on the floor?

[chuckles]

- Sorry, sorry. [chuckles]

Hello, ladies.

[coughs]

Ow, ow!

[Kameron Marlowe's "Tequila Talkin'"

- ? But I had to come over and ask your name ?

- Ugh. Oh, boy.

Yeah, yeah.

- Uh, hmm.

That bartender's like, uh, miss?

The stubby-fingered gentleman over there

wants to talk to you.

[chuckles]

He's also the only other gentleman

in this entire resort.

[chuckles]

- It's actually not safe to be here, ma'am.

[chuckles]

There have been several incidents of creepy guys

buying girls shots of tequila

and then taking them out on a boat,

so be very careful.

[chuckles]

- ? That ain't the tequila talkin' ?

- [chuckles] It's not the tequila talking.

But pretty soon,

it's gonna be the police talking.

[chuckles]

- ? Ain't the tequila talking ?

- [chuckles] You know, they make a pretty cute couple,

you know, except for him.

- She's like, uh, hey, I'm in my bikini.

Why don't you take your shirt off?

And he's like, uh, I'm good. [chuckles]

- Yeah, I'm good. Maybe- how about some more tequila?

[chuckles]

- She's like, uh,

how much longer does this video shoot go?

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, 'cause, I mean, I'm acting my ass off.

Come on. [chuckles]

- I'm playing the woman

who would ever touch you in a million years.

[chuckles] - And it ain't easy.

- ? Ain't the tequila talking ?

- Damn it, Beavis.

We're all out of massay 'cause you used it all.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry about that. [chuckles]

- We gotta, like, find some more. [chuckles]

Hey, we need some French cologne.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, um, do you have Massoi?

[chuckles]

- Would you like to sample this one?

It's very nice.

- Uh, OK.

[chuckles]

Uh, this cologne doesn't work.

It doesn't hurt at all.

- That's right, yeah. It does not hurt, yeah.

[chuckles]

- Damn it. This sucks.

Nice try ripping us off, butthole.

[chuckles]

- [sniffs] I don't know, Butt-Head.

I mean, it smells kind of good, you know?

Like a tree or something. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.

Chicks don't want a guy who smells like a tree.

Chicks want a smell that says,

"I'm willing to pay the price to score."

- Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, the smell of pain.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- There must be a way that we can get more massay

out of this stupid can.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, goo-fur-

words.

Uh, he-ah-hea-heat.

[chuckles]

I think they want us to, like,

heat it up or something.

- Yeah, yeah. Fire, yeah.

Fire, yeah. [chuckles]

[keypad beeps]

[electrical zapping] - Well, that ought to do it.

[chuckles]

[electrical zapping]

- Yeah, this was a really smart idea, Butt-Head.

[fire alarm beeping] - Whoa, cool.

- Yeah, yeah. Fire! [chuckles]

There it is, yeah.

- On the floor!

- Uh, can you buttholes shut up?

We're trying to put on some cologne.

[both scream]

Whoa.

They're spraying us with massay!

- Make sure you get some in my eyes.

Ah!

[rock music]

? ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

- Well, back to the daily grind.

[chuckles] - Yep.

Cash the unemployment check,

buy a beer, drink it, fall asleep on the couch.

Still can't seem to get ahead.

- Yep. [chuckles]

[tires skidding]

Whoa. Check it out, Beavis.

It's a free couch.

- Whoa, that's cool.

[both chuckling]

Lucky day.

- Whoa.

This is so much cooler than our couch.

- Yeah, it looks like nobody's ever fallen asleep

and peed on it.

Not even once!

- If we had this couch in our apartment,

we could finally start inviting chicks over and stuff.

- And then they'll want to sit on our couch.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

And then sit on me.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, cool.

I'll take this end.

- OK. [chuckles]

- And you take that end.

- Uh, no.

[chuckles]

- Oh. [chuckles] Really?

That sucks.

[straining]

- Hurry up already, dumbass.

- Oh, God.

- Welcome to my micro cabin.

- [chuckles] Welcome to my micro cabin.

[chuckles]

It's where I keep my micro penis.

- Wait a minute. That's his house?

Oh, boy. [chuckles]

- He's like, I wanna feel like I'm living in my car,

but not be able to actually go anywhere.

[both chuckling]

- This mailbox is actually a kids' lunchbox from the 1960s.

I was out cruising around looking for a mailbox.

- I was out cruising around, looking for a mailbox for it.

And I saw a little kid going to school,

and I said, uh, that lunchbox is mine now.

Run along. [chuckles]

You can find another lunchbox.

I need this for the shipping crate I live in.

[chuckles]

- It'll double the size of my home.

[chuckling] Yeah, in all seriousness, though, Butt-Head,

I don't think he's ever gonna score.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Nope. [chuckles]

- Because of the added room because of the pop top.

- When he meets girls, he's like,

come on back to my house, baby.

You can stand all the way up. [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

Chicks are probably like, uh, glasses-on-hat guy,

I wanna score with you back at your house.

And he's like, hmm, well,

I'm gonna have to measure you first.

[both chuckling]

- You can bang your head on the ceiling,

and then you can bang me.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, but hurry up,

because we only have 15 minutes of air.

[chuckles]

There's probably not enough room for you,

me, and my boner, so one of us

is going to have to wait outside.

[chuckles]

And I'm thinking me.

[chuckles]

- I have my kitchen area.

- Yeah, maybe I can set the mood

by heating up some canned food for you.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Maybe a little Chef Boyardee.

I put the D in Chef Boyardee. [chuckles]

And magnets, oh, I got 'em, yeah.

[chuckles]

[couch scraping on ground]

- [straining]

[groans]

- Hey, baby. Check out what we're doing.

[chuckles]

- Are you moving?

- Yeah, no one peed on this couch. [chuckles]

- You're finally leaving.

Tonight, I am bringing friends over

and we are having a party to celebrate.

This is fantastic.

- Whoa. Did you hear that?

She's gonna come back with a bunch of chicks

and party with us.

This couch is working even better than I thought.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, we better get it up the stairs fast.

- And then we'll get it up. [chuckles]

- That's right. [chuckles]

Nothing to it but to do it. [chuckles]

[Butt-Head humming]

[Beavis straining]

- Come on, Beavis.

You're making me do all the work.

[Beavis groans]

- Um, Butt-Head, Butt-Head.

- Yeah? Uh, what?

- Oh, this is really heavy.

Like, can we take a rest for a second?

- Uh, sure.

I've been resting for, like, five minutes.

[chuckles]

Feels good to take a load off.

- Ah! No!

[Beavis screaming]

- Nice job, dumbass.

You dropped it. - [groaning]

OK, OK. Here's my idea.

We pull the couch up with this string.

- Whoa. That's a good idea, asswipe.

- Yeah, make sure you tie it really tight.

Like with a knot, you know?

- Shut up, Beavis.

I know what I'm doing.

[chuckles] Just take this here.

Rabbit goes around the tree.

Just tighten this.

- OK, is the string tied to the couch?

- Beavis, you dumbass, your dumb string doesn't work.

It tied me up or something.

- I think if you unwrap it

from around your butt or something, and then, like-

- Beavis, get down here and untie your dumb string.

- OK.

[head clanking] Um, give me a second.

I think my head's caught in the railing.

I can't get it out.

- I don't care.

- Nah, don't worry.

This happened all the time when I was a kid.

You just have to come up here

and put peanut butter on my ears.

- Damn it. I'm gonna come up there and kick your ass.

[Butt-Head groans]

- Ah! Butt-Head, help! Ah!

Ah! - Oh, no.

Uh- - Ah!

Butt-Head! Ah, no!

- Damn it, Beavis. Look what you did.

- [screaming]

- Oh.

- [pants]

That's better.

Are my ears still on?

- Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

[chuckles]

- [sighs] We can't get the couch up the steps, Butt-Head.

- Uh, yeah, I know.

- Well, I guess some guys

just aren't meant to have a cool couch and-

and to have chicks come sit on it

and maybe sit on their schlongs.

- No, Beavis.

Shut up. [chuckles]

This is our one chance to score with Donna

and her dumb friends.

[slow inspiring music]

And that's only the beginning.

After we score with them,

we're gonna move up to chicks who are even hotter

because chicks will, like, know we do it.

[chuckles]

Beavis, we are going to get that couch in our apartment.

[chuckles]

- Yeah! Yeah, Butt-Head! Yeah, let's do it!

Yeah! [chuckles]

- That's right, Beavis.

Let's do this. - Yeah!

[both grunting]

- Yeah. [grunting]

[triumphant music]

- We did it. OK, wait.

Now, just gonna unlock the door.

[Beavis screams]

- We can do it, Beavis.

- Yeah, let's go.

[both grunting]

? ?

- Easy does it.

- Almost there.

[both chuckling]

We did it! Yeah, we finally did it.

[both sigh]

Oh, boy. [chuckles]

Um.

Um, Butt-Head, um,

I think we're in the wrong apartment.

[chuckles]

- Uh-oh, yeah.

[triumphant music]

[both grunting]

[objects clattering loudly]

? ?

[both grunt]

[wood creaking]

- We did it, Butt-Head.

Now, we're finally gonna score.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yep.

All we gotta do is wait for the chicks.

[chuckles]

- I am so happy those two losers moved out.

You can't believe what a relief it is that

they're finally-[gasps]

Goddamn it!

What did they do to my apartment?

Oh, damn it!

- Uh, we're not gonna score.

[chuckles]

- Yep. [both chuckling]

[rock music]

- These guys are unbelievable!

[indistinct shouting]

[rock music]

? ?

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.

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