Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

- [crunching]

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out. [crunching]

I got a caramel apple.

Caramel apple.

- Uh, you're eating fruit?

[chuckles] - No, it's good.

The caramel, like, kills the apple taste.

Plus, I mean, it's, like, got a stick up its butt.

[both laugh]

- That's cool. [chuckling]

I want a bite.

- Um, I don't know, Butt-Head.

What about your braces?

I don't think you're supposed to have, like,

sticky foods or something.

- Don't tell me what to chew, butthole.

[crunches]

[muffled talking] - [chuckles]

That's funny, Butt-Head. Your braces are stuck.

- [muffled] God damn it, Beavis.

[muffled yelling]

- Sorry, Butt-Head, I can't hear you because you've got,

like, an apple stuck in your mouth or something.

- [muffled] That's what I said, dumbass.

Get this damn apple off!

- No, I don't think that's going to work, Butt-Head.

I'm just going to try to get the apple off.

- [muffled yelling]

[muffled screaming] - [grunting]

- [muffled] Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

- You're welcome. [chuckles]

It's pretty stuck, Butt-Head.

But don't worry. I've got an idea.

OK, Butt-Head, now, um-like, um-

like, stand very, very still.

- [muffled] You better do this right, Beavis.

This is your fault.

- Remember, hold still.

And...

[grunts] - [yells]

- Whoops.

- [muffled yelling]

- It's not my fault. You moved! I told you.

Let me try again.

- [muffled] OK.

But don't screw it up this time, butthole.

- I think maybe this time, I'm going to close my eyes,

you know, kind of like a pi�ata.

[chuckles]

Ah!

- Whoa.

- What happened?

Um, what are those things that look just like your braces?

- Wait a second.

[chuckles]

[uplifting music]

? ?

I'm beautiful.

[laughs]

[rock music]

- Fight tips!

- Fight tips!

- What's going on, guys?

Shane here. - I'm Ant.

- Oh yeah, I've seen these guys before.

Yeah, yeah. It's Shane and Ant.

- But I first want to remind you guys

that violence is not cool. Fighting should only be-

- Wait a minute. Violence is not cool?

Who told him that? [snickers]

No, they got that wrong, Butt-Head.

Violence is cool, especially when it's unprovoked.

- I think there's a law where, like, you have to say

violence isn't cool, and then once you do,

it's like, totally OK to do violence.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that figures. [chuckles]

Thanks again, fat cats.

- This is, like, a good video to learn

how to fight a person who's just standing

completely still, making a stupid face,

and not fighting back at all.

[both chuckle]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I do see people like that sometimes.

You know, I guess I could kick their ass.

- Is going to be when you're a little closer,

when you're clenched up.

- I think Ant's mom is, like, going out with Shane's dad.

And she was like, "You know, Ant,

"Jim's son also makes YouTube videos.

"Maybe you guys could go to the park

and make one together."

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

And then Ant was like, "Ugh, do I really

have to hang out with him?"

And then she's like, "Now, look, Ant,

"I love his father very much.

"I know you don't like him, but just give it a chance.

"Come on, I need this to work.

This is my last chance."

[chuckles]

- "Ant, I know I told you

"it wasn't your fault I divorced, but it was.

So don't screw this one up." [chuckles]

- "You owe me, Ant!

You were an accident anyway."

- "Mom, do I have to call Shane's father Dad?"

- "You call him whatever he wants!

"You call him your lord and master if he asks for it.

"Because I'll tell you what I call him.

I call him all I've got left." [both chuckle]

"Yeah, my mom always told me, it's just as easy

"to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man,

"except when you have a son like Ant

"screwing it up for you.

"Now, come on!

"Now, just go down to the park

"and let that twerp punch you in the throat.

"Just do it!

I can take care of the rest." [chuckles]

- Uh, settle down, Beavis.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah.

Got a little carried away. - Until next time. I'm Shane.

- I'm Ant. - Fight tips.

- Fight tips!

[upbeat music]

? ?

- Smooth. [chuckles]

- You really do look different without your braces, Butt-Head.

- That's because I'm hot now, Beavis.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- I mean, I was hot before, but now I'm, like, even hotter.

[chuckles]

- Whoa. So, um, so what's it like?

- You know how it's, like, cool when you see a chick's butt?

- Um, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- Well, I'm like that now, Beavis.

I'm like a chick's butt, but to chicks.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Whoa. That's cool. Yeah.

Are you going to sit down?

- No, I am not.

I'm way too hot to sit with you.

I'm going to go sit at the popular table.

- OK. Yeah, that's cool.

- Don't worry, Beavis.

I'm not going to forget the little people.

The little people who are also ugly.

- Oh, good, good.

That's a relief. Yeah. [chuckles]

[laughter, chatter]

- Oh-ugh.

- Uh, hey. [chuckles]

Like, what's up or something.

I'm, like, one of you now.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

You can't sit here, dumbass.

This is the cool table.

- Yeah, but they all left.

- That's because they're not cool enough.

There'll be cooler people coming.

- OK, but can I just sit at this table until they get here?

- No.

You have to go over there and sit with Cody.

[chuckles]

- But Cody sucks. [chuckles]

- That's why you have to sit with him.

Everyone has to sit with people at their own level.

[chuckles] - [sighs] Eh, OK.

- I don't make the rules, Beavis.

[chuckles]

- This sucks. [chuckles]

- For a long time, people have been telling me

to get a slo-mo camera, because it'll look great

when I'm doing stunts. And you know what? I agree.

- Uh, this guy thinks it's, like, really funny

if he shouts the first part of every sentence.

- We got five projectile items. Starting on the weak end...

- This guy is really weird-looking, Butt-Head.

Did you notice that? [chuckles]

- It's like somebody took a dork's head

and sewed it on the body of a really ripped guy.

- Yeah, like, that other guy, you know,

he's got a dork head and a dork body,

and he just looks like a- you know, like a dork.

- Yeah, but not this guy.

He looks like whoever made him screwed up.

[clicking]

- Ow, that was more than three trigger pulls!

- I wonder if, like, his body makes fun of his head.

[chuckles]

Yeah, the body is like, I'm going to go score,

and you're not allowed to look.

- Go score with your own schlong

or your nose. [chuckles]

- [groans]

- He's like, well, I got shot in the butt,

but, you know, I'll get eight likes,

so it'll be worth it.

- Those ripples remind me of when you're standing

next to a lake and you pick up a rock

and then you throw it,

and then it hits somebody's bare butt cheek

and it looks just like that.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- It's very peaceful.

- You know, if he shot that pellet, like,

down the center of his butt, you know,

it would not bounce back.

[both chuckling]

And you know what else?

And if you played it backwards,

it would look like he was having, like,

a tiny little blue pellet poop.

And then it would fly out of his bunghole

and into that guy's gun.

[both chuckling]

- I don't know how your mind works, Beavis.

- [screams]

- [chuckles]

Hey, baby. [chuckles]

How's it going?

- OK. - Oh, yeah, for sure.

- What's up, bros?

Scoring with chicks?

We know what that's like. [chuckles]

- Hey, Butt-Head, school's over.

You want to go- - No, Beavis.

I'm very busy.

I'm looking at something.

[chuckles]

It's a shame I can't score with myself.

- Damn it, Butt-Head, I'm tired of this crap!

I knocked your braces off with a bat,

and now I'm going to use a bat to knock them back on.

- Uh, how are you going to put my braces on with a bat-

- [grunts] - [groans]

[both grunting]

- Are your braces back on? [chuckles]

- No.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Huh.

I don't know why I thought that would work.

Well, they managed to get most of your teeth back in.

That's pretty cool. [chuckles]

- Yeah, and now I have to wear these braces

until I'm, like, 25.

- Yep. And you still never scored.

[chuckles]

- That nurse said I'm still beautiful on the inside.

- That means you're ugly, I think.

- I know, Beavis.

Shut up.

[rock music]

? ?

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

- Um, Butt-Head, can I put the bags in your basket there?

- No. [chuckles]

The basket is for my personal items.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles]

- [grunts] Oopsy-daisy.

[chuckles]

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

[groaning]

- Hurry up, Butt-Head. Come on.

- Hang on.

Gotta take my little rest. [chuckles]

[inhales, exhales]

A lot of stairs today.

- Damn it, Butt-Head, I always have to wait for you

on the stairs because you're fat.

- Shut up, Beavis.

Riding on that scooter took a lot out of me.

- Damn it, Butt-Head. Get moving, you fat slob.

Come on! [chuckles]

- OK, OK.

[panting]

- See? See, that wasn't so bad.

- [groaning]

- Whoa. [chuckles]

- [groans]

- What's wrong?

- Pain in my chest.

I can't breathe.

- That's cool. [chuckles]

- My left arm is numb.

- Oh, you know what you should do?

You should spank your monkey.

It'll feel like someone else is doing it.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Good idea. [chuckles weakly]

[groaning]

I can't.

- That sucks.

That would have been cool. [chuckles]

- Beavis, you dumbass, I'm having a heart attack.

- A heart attack?

OK. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis, get some help or something

or I'm going to die.

- Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah.

Here I go. Yeah.

And don't worry, Butt-Head. Everything's going to be fine.

[dramatic music]

? ?

- [screams]

- Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry about that, Butt-Head.

I had it in backwards.

OK, now, here I go.

- [groans] - Oh. [chuckles]

Backwards again.

Classic Beavis.

- [groans]

I'm gonna die.

[coughs]

- Wrong way. - [groans]

- I think it's this way. [chuckles]

[metal music]

- Yeah.

Yeah, here we go. Yeah.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah!

[both grunting]

Ow.

[groaning] Ow.

Why did we used to do that?

- Uh, I don't know.

- ? I don't give a goddamn ?

- I don't give a goddamn!

- ? About your demands ?

- I didn't catch that.

He doesn't give a goddamn about what?

- About, uh, dumbass or something.

- No, I think it was, um- I think he said, uh-

eh, it doesn't matter.

- These are, like, the best lyrics I've ever

not been able to understand.

- ? You're face down, down in the ditch ?

- We should, like, go to one of these concerts

and, like, crawl around and eat dirt.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

You know, it's probably really, really loud too, you know.

And I'm already hard of hearing, so, you know,

might as well just finish the job, you know.

[chuckles]

- That's right.

Get 'er done.

- Huh? Quarter to what?

[chuckles]

- This video, like, takes me back to a simpler time.

- Back when you just, like, sit on the couch

and watch stuff like this.

- Not a care in the world. [chuckles]

- Yeah. Yeah, those were the days.

Now I have to go to the unemployment office,

and I got to go get my EBT card, and ugh.

- [chuckles] Adulting.

[both chuckling]

Uh, is that a suitcase full of scrambled eggs?

- Yeah, yeah. [both chuckling]

- It's, like, scrambled eggs is the most

metal way to cook eggs.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, somebody's like,

"I'll have my eggs over easy, please."

No, I don't give a goddamn about your over easy!

Your eggs will be scrambled by the Lamb of God!

- [chuckling]

All these people stabbing each other,

they all have white privilege.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, who gets all the knives first?

Surprise, surprise.

The white people.

[both chuckling]

- White people.

[both chuckling]

- OK, gotta save Butt-Head.

Gotta find someone who can help.

Somebody to help Butt-Head. [chuckles]

[dramatic music]

I need a doctor right now!

- Have you seen Dr. Jaspan before?

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was, like, eight years old, I think.

- OK, have a seat and fill out these forms.

- Oh. OK, yeah.

Thanks.

That's cool. [chuckles]

Don't worry, Butt-Head.

I'm going to write as fast as I can.

[chuckles]

? ?

- [groaning] - Oh, my God.

Sir, are you OK?

- [groans]

- Is there anything I can do?

- [wheezing] Yes.

There is one thing you can do.

- What? What is it?

- Me. [chuckles]

- Creep!

- [sputters]

[groans]

- I don't get this book.

What happened to the caterpillar?

Who's this moth?

See, this is why I never read.

- Mr. Beavis, come with me.

- Finally. Gonna save Butt-Head.

- So how have you been feeling?

- Well, pretty good, I guess.

I've got this one toenail that's bothering me.

- Mm-hmm.

- And last week it was getting, like,

all swollen and fat and gross.

And-wait a second.

Swollen, fat, and gross.

I'm here because my roommate Butt-Head needs help.

- What seems to be the matter with him?

- Um, he's fat and he doesn't feel good.

[chuckles]

And he can't even spank his monkey.

He tried so hard.

It's really sad.

- Well, if your friend's overweight,

he might be at elevated risk for heart attack or stroke.

- [chuckles] Stroke.

[laughs] That's what he can't do.

You know what I'm saying?

- So he should make sure he eats right

and gets plenty of exercise.

- Yeah, got it. Yeah.

Thank you, drive through. [chuckles]

- [groaning]

- Butt-Head, Butt-Head.

- [groans] - I'm here to save you.

The doctor said you have to eat right.

Like, as many cheeseburgers as you can.

[chuckles] - No.

- Your life is at stake, Butt-Head.

You've got to eat cheeseburgers.

Come on.

- [muffled groaning]

- If you finish that, I'll give you some fries.

I mean, I got them for me, but I guess that's OK.

- [choking]

- And then the doctor said you have to exercise.

- What? - Come on.

Right now, Butt-Head, get up. Come on.

Jumping jacks. Come on.

Come on. Dig deep.

This is why you're having a heart attack right now,

because you're lazy.

Come on, get it. Yeah.

Come on. - [groaning]

Jacks.

[coughs]

- OK, Butt-Head, now finish strong

with a jog around the block.

Come on, let's go.

- [groaning]

Oh. Oh, no.

- [sighs]

I think he's going to be all right.

That kid's a fighter.

[sirens wailing]

- A neighbor called about someone

having a medical emergency.

- Everything's OK, sir.

All taken care of. [chuckles]

- [groaning]

- He didn't finish his cheeseburger.

Well, more for me.

Yep. [chuckles]

Beavis, you earned it. [chuckles]

- [groans]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.

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