All language subtitles for Andrew.Santino.White.Noise.2025.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]pera

-[audience cheering]
-[Andrew Santino] Yeah.

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
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♪ Yeah ♪

Is it racist...

[audience laughing]

is it racist if I retweet
the N-word? Is that racist?

[audience laughing]

-[audience member] No!
-Alright.

[audience laughing]

I already did it. I already did it.

My favorite rapper of all time
put up a quote, okay?

My favorite rapper of all time
put up a quote on Twitter.

I liked the quote. It was profound.

It had the N-word in it, okay?
And I liked it.

I was like, "Alright,
I like what he's saying."

So, I just retweeted it.
I didn't think anything of it.

Put my phone in my pocket. Went on my day.

Alright? Had a nice day.

Then I took my phone
back out of my pocket,

and the internet was extremely
upset at what I had just done.

The comments were just like,
"You fuckin' racist, racist,

racist, fag, racist, ra--"

I was like, "How do they know?
That's crazy."

Just from that? That's wild.

[audience laughing]

But I was defending myself.
I was like, "I'm not racist!"

They're like, "You can't say the N-word."
I was like, "I didn't!

He said it!
I just like that he can say it."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "I didn't say it.
Why are you getting on me?"

And everybody was like,
"I don't think so, white devil.

-You are going down today."
-[audience laughing]

And I was like, "I didn't say the N-word.
You gotta leave me alone."

And everyone's like,
"No way, you're a racist, racist, racist,"

and they kept pushing it out there.

And at some point, I was, like, exhausted.

I was anxious. I was like, I want--
I'm sick of this, dude.

Why am I arguing with these people?

I like Jack Harlow.
I don't wanna feel bad.

[audience laughing]

I'm vanilla, baby, you know?

[audience laughing]

Let me do my thang.

That's obviously not real.
Jack Harlow never tweeted the N-word.

But he says it. Uh, I think he says it.

Yeah. I mean, we all do,
and we gotta stop.

[audience laughing]

They're gonna find out.
We gotta cut it out.

I know a lot of people are like,
"I don't say the N-word."

Yeah, but you sing it,
you know what I mean? You sing it.

[audience laughing]

It's just as bad.

None of that, of course, is true.

I-- I wrote that joke, uh, because I met

Jack Harlow one time,
and he kind of blew me off a little bit.

I'm not gonna lie.

And I was like, "I'm gonna write a joke

where you say the N-word in it."

[audience laughing]

And that's that.

I don't have anything against
Jack Harlow, you know, at all.

I'm not a big fan of his hair,
and that's coming from me.

-You know what I mean? Like--
-[audience laughing]

I don't know,
and he says he doesn't perm it,

and maybe he doesn't,

but, uh, it looks like it.

Whenever white celebrities
perm their hair,

I'm always like, "Uh-oh.

"You're flying a little
too close to the sun there, W-Icarus?

What are you doing there, buddy?"

[audience laughing]

He doesn't, but it does look like it.

And all those celebrities
that do perm their hair--

When white celebrities perm their hair,

it always reminds me of
when I was a kid, in the '90s,

if you wanted to go on vacation,
right, you had to drive.

You wanna go somewhere? Get in the car.

Get in the Cutlass right now.

Get your brother, get in the car.

No, we're gonna smoke in there.
The windows are gonna be up.

-We're smoking in there.
-[audience laughing]

Oh, yeah, dude, Mom and Dad

are gonna divorce halfway there.

We are splitting up.

You gotta pee? Too bad, hold it.

It's a 17-hour drive.
You are going to hold it.

Pinch it. Pinch it. Pinch it now. Hold it.

But there was always a couple
of rich whites in the neighborhood.

There was a couple of rich white families
who could fly to vacation, right?

And they would always go to, like,
Jamaica, or The Bahamas, or Mexico.

And these rich whites,
they'd always come back,

these little rich whites,
with braids in their hair.

[audience laughing]

You remember these rich whites?

Were some of you these rich whites?

[audience laughing]

And they'd show up, and they'd be like,
"Dude, check it out.

Santino, look at this.
Check this out. Is this cool?"

And I'd be like, "We're gonna find out.

"Together, tomorrow at school.
We're gonna find out together.

"I wanna see what Jamal thinks
about this whole thing.

[audience laughing]

I don't think he's gonna like it, man."

I could never. Could you imagine?
A redhead with braids?

-Good God!
-[audience laughing]

Like I need more attention on this thing?

No chance, man.

I have a limited sliver on the color wheel
of what I'm allowed to wear already.

It's blue, black, and gray.

What you're looking
at right now, this is it.

[audience laughing]

If you ever see me in red or yellow,

it's 'cause I have cancer.

-That's what's going on.
-[audience laughing]

And the worst part was,
I grew up in the '90s in Chicago.

This was like-- this is like when hip-hop
and pop culture collided as one, right?

And everything was bright colors.

It was starter jackets and Jordans.

Everything was big, bold, and loud.

And I couldn't wear it.
And I was so jealous of that, dude.

All the kids
in my neighborhood could wear--

all the Black kids could wear anything
and make it look cool.

They could do anything,
make it look cool, man.

They got away with mur--
Well, they never got away with murder.

[audience laughing]

No, [chuckles] we got 'em. We got 'em.

[audience laughing]

No, but they wore anything
and made it look dope, you know?

Even stuff I know
they didn't even like, right?

Like even now,
my buddy, E.P., is 47 years old.

He's a grown adult, Black male.
A grown-up.

And he came over
to my house for a barbecue,

and he was wearing a Disney jacket.

A jacket with Disney all over it.

-And no one said a word.
-[audience laughing]

Not one person uttered a word.

And it was my house,
so I was like, "What's up?

You wearing a kid's
fuckin' jacket to my barbecue?"

[audience laughing]

And somehow he validated it.
He was like, "Oh, no, I fuck with Goofy.

I be fuckin' with Goofy."

[audience laughing]

And everybody else was like, "Nah,
he do be fuckin' with Goofy like that."

[audience laughing]

"Y'all, Minnie got a fat ass.
I seen that. I seen that."

I was like, "When did you start
talking like that, Corey? What was that?"

[audience laughing]

That's a subculture I had to learn, man.

I'm from Chicago.
We didn't have Disney adults.

I never learned that
'til I moved to California.

I live in Southern California now,

Disney is in our backyard, you know?

These Disney adults, they're everywhere.

They could be here.
They could be amongst us.

They could be sitting right next to you.

You'd know, they're sticky.
You'd-- You could feel it.

[audience laughing]

But it's crazy, man. I never knew that
'til I moved to California.

It's wild, man. And they do, they just go
to the parks all the time.

I think there should be
two lines at Disney.

Two lines, one for people with kids
and one for people without.

There should be two lines.

And the people with kids
get to go in the park.

[audience laughing]

I don't have kids.
Ergo, we don't go to park.

No, I don't have kids. And you know what?

It's none of your business, by the way.

I don't have kids,
and it's none of your business.

It's none of your business.
Stop asking people.

You say, "Hey, you guys married?" "Yeah."

"Y-You guys have kids?" "No."

"Why?" It-- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

[audience laughing]

It ends at, "No."

You don't know and you don't need to know
what people are going through

and what's going on in people's lives.
It's none of your business.

So, if you're gonna ask me
a "none of your business" question,

I'm gonna give you
a "none of your business" answer.

So now, when somebody's like,
"You married?" "Yeah."

"You-- You guys have kids?" "No."

"Why?" "Anal. We'll only do anal."

[audience laughing]

"Yeah, she's saving the front
for her second marriage.

-Yeah, we're only..."
-[audience laughing]

Watch their face. [chuckles]

They turn autistic, they start rubbing
their fingers,

looking at the sky, like,
[shuddering] "Oh!"

[audience laughing]

And we don't have kids. And you know what?

I don't need to know everything
about your kids either.

Okay? I don't.

I don't. Right?

Like my-- my friend, Sarah,
I love her to death.

I've known her for a long time.
She's a sweet girl.

She's very, like, hippy-dippy,
very granola, very crunchy, you know?

[audience laughing]

And she caught wind
that I was flying to Florida.

Uh, I was going to do a gig.

And I was there for, like,
literally 24 hours.

Genuinely, one day in and one day out.

And she texted me, and I'm on the--
I'm on the plane,

and she's like, "I heard
you're coming to Florida.

You gotta come say hi to us. We're here."

And I was like, "I can't.
I don't have any time."

And she goes, "Come on, dude.
You've barely met my husband,

"and you've never met my son,
and he's 10 months old.

He's 10 months old, Andrew,
you haven't even met him."

[audience laughing]

And she goes,
"We're at the beach right now.

Check it out."

And she sent a picture
of her 10-month-old son

naked on the beach.

[audience laughing]

-Just a little naked boy...
-[audience laughing]

-...with a little penis, out on the sand.
-[audience laughing]

And I'm on the plane,
so I was like, "Oh, my God.

"No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Nope, nothing. No, no.

Don't, don't. Do not."

What if the plane crashes?

[audience laughing]

Like, the feds are gonna be
like, "Who was he texting

right before it went down?"

My God! What do you
want me to do with that?

What am I supposed to do
with a naked picture of your son?

Seriously, an-- anything
I typed, immediately, was inappropriate.

I was just like, "Oh, he's getting big."

-No, no, no, that's bad.
-[audience laughing]

Yeah, I can't say that.

I was like, "Well, I can't wait
to hold him."

-[laughs] No, no, no.
-[audience laughing]

See, "He looks just like his father.
He looks exactly like his dad."

What do you want me to do?

So, I took my phone to the bathroom.

[audience laughing]

No, I sent her a dick pic,

just a crane neck
in the airplane bathroom.

I was like, "Show him what
he's gotta look forward to."

[audience laughing]

No, they were the same size.
It was actually pretty embarrassing.

[chuckling] Identical in size.

[sniffles]

No, we don't have kids,
but I do have nieces, you know?

And I love them, dude.
They are incredible.

They're so beautiful, so wonderful, man.

It's-- that-- and-- and we get
to treat them like they're ours sometimes.

You know, we get to spoil 'em.
I love spoiling 'em.

Their parents don't like it
that much, you know?

!But I've had like
a little success in comedy.

It's been great, and I wanna,
like, share that with them,

'cause I think it's awesome.

And they were like, "You can't buy them
everything that they want."

-And I was like, "Yes, I can."
-[audience laughing]

Literally any-- anything,
anything, everything.

They're like, "Can I have that?"
I'm like, "Yeah.

Yeah, you could have two of 'em."

[audience laughing]

I bought the 14-year-old
a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

[audience laughing]

She'll know what it's like
in a couple of years, you know?

But the young one is-- is super cute.

The young one's hilarious,
and she called me up one day.

And she said, "Uncle Andrew,
when we come to California,

"will you take me to Universal Studios?

I want to go to Harry Potter... Town."
Whatever it's called.

Harry Potter Place.
Harry Potters. Harry Potters.

[audience laughing]

And I said,
"Of course, I'll take you there.

I would love to take you
to Harry Potter Town,"

or whatever it is. [chuckles]

Even though I have no reference
to Harry Potter,

I know nothing about it.

I'm 41 years old, okay?
I've never read any of the books,

and I've never seen any of the films,

not one frame of the films.

I know a lot of people are like,
"What? What are you talking about?"

But like, you have to understand,

most of my adult life,

I've been having sex with women.

-So, it just has been--
-[audience laughing]

Yeah, it's not-- I never was
a loser, like, ever, once.

[audience laughing]

But she came into town
and, uh, she got all excited,

and it's like, "We're gonna
go to Harry Potter."

And she's like, "Will you wear a cape?"

And I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

[audience laughing]

"No chance you're gonna
catch me in a cape."

She's like, "Oh, oh, alright.
Well, will you paint my face for me?"

I said, "Of course, I will."
So, I put her up on the sink

and I got the face makeup, you know?

And she showed me on the phone,
she showed me Harry Potter, you know?

And she wanted it exactly like that.

And so, then I carefully,
meticulously, I drew

right above her eyebrow, the, um...

Oh, my God.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, the swastika,
right here above her--

-[audience laughing]
-No, no.

It's a lightning bolt.
It is a lightning bolt.

But if you draw two of them,
it's like, "Uh-oh, that's pretty close."

[audience laughing]

That's dangerous. [laughs]

But I was-- I was like
a little apprehensive that day.

I didn't really wanna go.
I was kinda bummed out.

I was like, "Oh, this is gonna
be a whole thing," you know?

And I took her-- and little did I know,

they serve alcohol at Universal Studios.
[chuckles]

So, I blacked out within an hour.

I was completely blacked out.

I put on that cape, baby.
I was like, "Yeah, buddy."

I was running around. I was like,
[in British accent] "I'm Ron Weasley.

-I'm Ron Weasley."
-[audience laughing]

Looking for that Hermione.
You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

People get all weird, too.
I know about Harry Potter.

Chill the fuck out. Okay?

[audience laughing]

I mean, not really, but I just--

I agree with everything
the creator has ever said.

-That-- That is--
-[audience laughing]

Alright, dude.

I will say, it must be like a--
it must be hard to raise kids

in this day and age anyway, you know?

It must be tough, you know?

My-- my uncle was talking to me,
he was like,

"You know what they're trying
to do in our school district?

"You know they're gonna do
these drag queen book shows?

"They're gonna do book show--
drag queen book shows, you know that?

"You know about those
book shows from the draggies?

They're doing it.

Drag queen book shows."

I was like, "Wow, that's wild."

He goes, "Yeah, let me
tell you something, pal.

Ain't no drag queen
is gonna read a fuckin' book to my kid."

And I was like, "Well,

you're not gonna read any fuckin' books
to your kids, so...

[audience laughing]

"...you might as well
let someone in costume

-give it a go, you know?"

-[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

No, look, let me-- let me say this.

If you don't want drag queens
reading books to your kids, that's fine.

Good God! Do whatever you want.

Your kids, your choice. Okay?

Do whatever you want. I get that.

But where it loses me
is when he continues on,

and he was just like,
"Yeah, these drag queens, you know?

"That ain't my America.
That ain't the America I love.

That's not my country."

I was like, "Yes, it is."

-[audience laughing]
-Do you know anything about this place?

Do you guys know about the history
of this place?

Seriously? This place
was founded by drag queens.

Have you ever seen your forefathers?

They wore wigs.
They wore wigs, and makeup,

and little heels,
and they walked around all day.

[in a high pitch] "Hello."
[laughs theatrically] "Hello."

Just Mrs. Doubtfire-ing all over town.

[audience laughing]

They signed shit with feather pens.

You know how fuckin' gay feather pens are?

[audience laughing]

That's the faggiest of all
the penery, by a landslide.

"How'd they get around town, Andrew?"
"By horseback."

You know how gay--

[audience laughing]

"I'm coming."

That's the gayest way to get around.

I'd walk! They'd be like,
"It'll take you seven days."

Like, "I'll see you in a week.
I'm gonna walk."

For the record, by the way, I hate horses.

Every time I do that joke,
I think how much I hate horses so much.

I hate 'em. What are we doing
with these things?

Cut it out.

-Cut it out!
-[audience member] Yeah!

It's gone too far!

We're in Louisville, Kentucky.
We're in Louisville.

[with Southern accent] We're down there
in Louisville, Kentucky.

And I walked outside of our hotel,
and there was just a man on a horse.

Just a man on a horse.

And out loud, I go, "Get down!"

[audience laughing]

"Get down now!"

I don't like it.
"What are you doing up there?"

It doesn't make any sense
in this day and age.

You ever see a cop on a horse?

You ever see a cop on a horse?
You're like, "I pay for that?

"What is that? What the fuck is that?

"Didn't we give you a car
with 300 of those inside of it?

Get down now!"

[audience laughing]

Also, hey, cop on a horse,
who are you gonna catch?

Who the fuck are you gonna catch?

Not me. Not me.

Just one of these-- Ah!
One of those to a cop on a horse.

Dude, one-- Ska-cow! One juke move.

Little Allen Iverson crossover.
Aah-ah! One of those.

-Just break a horse's ankles.
-[audience laughing]

Dude, horse up, officer down,
Andrew home. It's game over.

You know I'm right.

[audience laughing]

Here's the wild thing, dude. I'm right.
They don't want you on their back.

I had to look it up
to make sure I was correct.

They do not want you on their back.

A comically absurd amount
of people die every year from horseback.

It's wild-- Dude, an absurd
number of humans die

every year from horseback.

You never heard a word about it.
Never once.

Never once. Take a guess, Minneapolis.

How many people do you think
die every year by horseback?

-Go ahead, let me hear. Give it a guess.
-[audience member] Ten thousand.

Ten thousand?

[audience laughing]

That's, I mean, maybe the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.

[audience laughing]

-[laughing] Ten thousand?
-[audience laughing]

The cops don't even kill
that many people, dude. That's--

[audience laughing]

My God, sir.

Ten-- That's like when you ask
a kid how much a house costs.

[audience laughing]

Like, "How much do
you think this house is?"

They're like, "$47?"

Yeah, yeah, somebody get
this fuckin' kid outta my house.

[chuckling] Forty dollars.

It's 700.

[audience laughing]

That should still shock you!

Seven hundred is a lot of people, okay?
That's a lot of people.

Seven hundred people.
You never heard a peep about it.

Yet, Discovery Channel has an entire week

dedicated to sharks.

-[audience member cheers]
-These evil creatures of the sea,

killing at will,
just thrashing human lives.

You know how many people die
every year from shark attacks?

-Five!
-[audience laughing]

-Fi-- se-- seven hundred!
-[audience laughing]

-Five. [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

-What?
-[audience laughing]

What are we talking about?

Last year was the biggest year for sharks.

[imitating Donald Trump]
Big year for sharks.

[audience laughing]

Probably the greatest year for sharks.
Some of the best sharks.

Some people say we have the best sharks.

Great White, exclusively white.
Great and white.

[audience laughing]

[normal] Last year was the biggest year
they've had in a long time.

Fourteen. Fourteen deaths, right?

Ten of which, Google said,
10 of which were unprovoked.

[audience laughing]

What's that now?

Who

the fuck

is provoking a shark?

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you who, the kinda guy
that guesses 10,000.

-That guy right there.
-[audience laughing]

That guy or an Australian. Either way.

I don't know if you met
these people. They are wild.

We spent time in Australia. Dude, crazy.

We got in the water and the guy was like,

[in Australian accent] "Hi, mate.
Mate, if you see a shark,

if you see a fuckin' shark,
don't swim away."

[normal] I was like,
"I'm definitely swimming away."

[audience laughing]

He's like, [in Australian accent]
"Don't do that, mate.

Just fuckin' punch it in the nose."

[normal] "Punch it in the no--"

[in Australian accent] "Yeah,
punch it right in the nose, underwater.

"Just wiggle your arm underwater,
like it's in Jell-O,

"and wait for its mouth to clo--
I mean, you gotta wait.

"It'll be open, then closed.
Just wait a minute.

Give it a beat, and then bop it
right on the fuckin' nose."

[audience laughing]

[normal] It's like,
"You want me to get into a bar fight

with a shark at his bar?

Is that what you want?"

No, I'm gonna give it
the limb I like the least.

I'm gonna give him my left arm
and just move on with my day.

[audience laughing]

Australia was wild, man.
We got to travel the whole world.

But it was really cool
seeing the United States

from this different perspective.

I got to go all over
this beautiful, great country.

Spent a lot of time in the South.

The South was awesome, man.

We had our guy in Texas,
our promoter, this dude, he was so funny.

He was like, [in Southern accent]
"When y'all are done with your stage show,

"with that little thing
y'all do, little weirdo thing y'all do,

do y'all wanna shoot guns?"

[normal] I was like,
"I-- Maybe, I don't know.

I mean, where... Where?"

He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Just right out back.

We can do it right out back."

[normal] I was like, "Behind the theater?"

He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Oh, yeah, dude."

[normal] I was like, "What--
I mean, what can we shoot?"

He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Anything within reason."

[audience laughing]

[normal] I didn't want to hear.
I didn't wanna know, I didn't ask.

I didn't want him to be like,
"Anybody darker than me is gonna be fine."

[audience laughing]

So, I was on tour with my,
uh, my best buddy, Bobby,

my little sweet Asian prince.

[audience cheering]

My little prince.

And I went to go ask him
if he wanted to shoot guns.

He was on the bus.
He was playing Nintendo Switch.

He didn't even look up.

Hey-- I just go, "Hey, man,
you wanna shoot guns?"

He just goes, "Too loud."

[audience laughing]

Like a dad, I was like,
"That's right, buddy, they are too loud.

Aren't they too loud? Good boy. Good boy."

They are too loud!

I like guns, but they are too loud.

We should change the sound.

We should emasculate the sound of a gun.

It'll help you weed out all the psychos.

I think it might work 'cause I don't know

a lot of lunatics that are
gonna go to the gun range

if every time they shoot it's like,
[imitates whiny gun sounds].

You gonna go shoot clays
if it's like, "Pull."

-Fwoom. "Yes, queen." "Yes, queen."
-[audience laughing]

-It'll stop drive-bys, that'll go away.
-[audience laughing]

Never hear a drive-by again,
like, "Hey, yo, get down!"

"D-d-d-d-daddy, d-d-d-d-daddy.
Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa. Bang-bang."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] It might work.

It might work.

Unless one of those gay gangs
gets a hold of 'em.

[audience laughing]

You know these gay gangs we're
all worried about these days,

just running up on you at night,
just like, "Take off your clothes."

[audience laughing]

"Listen, fellas, just take my wallet."

"Keep your wallet.
Take off your motherfuckin' clothes."

-[audience laughing]
-At some point, you're like,

"This gay gang is robbing me!

"Oh, shit! They're robbing me blind.
These are bad boys.

"Oh, God. Call the cops,
in a couple of minutes.

"Call the police in a minute.

"Oh, [smacking lips]
yeah, these are bad boys.

They're up to no good."

[audience laughing]

By the way, this is the most
disrespectful shit on Earth.

The hand on the head.
[gags] It's just so gross.

Whenever I see this in porn,
I'm always like, "Leave her alone!

She's already doing it."

[audience laughing]

This is-- this is like honking right when
the light turns green,

-you're like, "Alright! We're going.
-[audience laughing]

Give it a second."

Also, why are you doing that?
They're not lost.

They're not down there like,
"Oh, oh, thank you." [chuckles]

"Thank you."

They don't need the help.
We need the help.

Girls, grab my ears.
Show me where to go, please.

I thought the clit was in the asshole
for like 20 years.

I had no idea. I was brown-nosing.

[audience laughing]

I will say, there's definitely
some women in here

that like the hand
on the back of the head.

No doubt, they're here. Where are you?

-Where are you?
-[isolated cheering]

Eh-ah-ah-ah, there they are.

There's the dead dad club, upstairs.

-Right up there.
-[audience laughing]

You know that girl. She's like,
"My dad died when I was 16,

"so you could do whatever you want to me.

No, I don't have any gag reflex.
I never had one." [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I know, by the way,
I know when I talk about guns,

I know in certain parts of the country,

people get a little
uncomfortable about it.

I get it, you know? But it's--
It's a reality, it really is.

It's a part of our reality,
truly, you know?

And I was down there in the South,

uh, and it was June and July,
sweltering, you know?

I was in my hotel, I was reading the news,
and this article popped up,

and it said,
"Yet another school shooting."

Big bold letters,
"Yet another school shooting."

I put my coffee down
and I went to the hotel window,

and I was just like, [sighs]

"Isn't it summer?"

[audience laughing]

Are they--

Are they summer school shooting now, dude?

Oh, my God! You can't hit
the off-season kids.

[audience laughing]

You gotta go for the starting five, man.
That is crazy.

Look, I know school shootings
are disgusting.

They're an abhorrent part
of our culture. It's awful.

There's nothing funny
about school shootings.

But...

[audience laughing]

I can't believe that none
of them, not one of them,

-was ever done by a janitor.
-[audience laughing]

Never? Do you remember
how we treated these people?

Janitors? I vividly remember
being like, "Mr. Summerland,

sit on it, you bald piece of shit."

[audience laughing]

To a veteran of war,
I talked to like that.

[audience laughing]

A guy who had to put wood chips on vomit

and take it from a nine-year-old.

Like, what? These guys
have been through so much,

and they have to stare at a cafeteria
filled with little gremlins,

just ruining it every day.
[mimics a gremlin]

Getting it sticky and wet. Just gross!

How do they not have a flashback, right?

Snap back into the old days.
See Charlie everywhere.

Drop the broom, pick up a street sweeper.

Like, "You know what?" [mimics gunfire]

Where are they gonna go?
He's got all the keys.

[audience laughing]

Then again, that's just, uh...

That's just one more mess
he's gotta clean up.

-So, what are you gonna do, man?
-[audience laughing]

[in deep voice] "These kids.
Goddamn these kids."

[audience laughing]

It's been great. It has been great
running around.

The best part, to me,
about going on tour, truly,

was that I get to go home a lot.
I get to see my parents.

You know, that is the best part.
'Cause they're getting older,

and I wanna spend a lot of time with 'em.

My dad is old, he's retired.
He doesn't do anything.

My dad doesn't do shit, all day long.

He sits in his chair. He has a chair.

I don't know if your dad has a chair.

My dad has a chair. That's his chair.

You can't sit in it. You know that.

He wants to die in the chair.

I know, 'cause he'll be
in the kitchen, coughing,

pointing at it like... [coughing]

We're like,
"Get him in the chair.

Come on, get him in the chair.
Let's go."

[audience laughing]

My sister started dating a new guy.

She brought him over to the house.

I brought him in the living room,
and I was like,

-"Take a seat, man. Have a-- have a seat."
-[audience laughing]

My dad came in, he was like,
"What the fuck is this?"

I was like, "I know.
And he's fucking your daughter.

-I know. It's just--"
-[audience laughing]

[clearing throat] "That's a bad guy, Pop.
That's a real bad guy.

You gotta get him outta here, huh?"

[audience laughing]

My dad sits in his chair all day.

He watches Fox News and Ancient Aliens.
That's all he does.

Fox News, Ancient Aliens.
He loves Ancient Aliens.

He hates illegal aliens,
and I'm like, "Dad,

they both built the pyramids.
You can't pick and choose, man."

[audience laughing]

He's funny, man.

He used to love to fuck with us
when I was a kid.

That was like his favorite thing,
was to embarrass me.

He loved that so much, man.

And here I was, like, 14 years old.

It's like one of the most vulnerable time

in a young man's life, you know?

You're so uncomfortable with yourself,

and this is when
you start discovering yourself.

You start pulling on yourself,

you really start tugging.

You're pulling all the time,
dude. It's unbelievable.

All you're thinking about all day,
"I gotta get home and pull.

"I gotta get home and pull.

"Gotta get home and pull
four, five, six, seven, eight times.

Something, I gotta pull a whole bunch."

I'd be pulling. I gotta be pulling.

People will weaponize it, you know?

You're so embarrassed by it,
you'll go to school,

and someone will be like,
"Santino jerks off." [laughs]

You'll be like,
"No, I don't! No, I don't!"

You get home and you're like,
"Yes, I do. Yes, I do."

My dad, in the middle of dinner,
cutting into a steak, looks up and goes,

"You been spending a lot
of time in the bathroom."

[mimics puttering]

-[audience laughing]
-I was like,

"Mom, can I excuse myself
to kill myself, please?"

[audience laughing]

But now I get him back, you know,
'cause I have a little bit of money

and I buy him stuff, you know?

I take care of him,
so I have the power, right?

I buy my dad shit I know he can't use.

Bluetooth, dude,
we Bluetooth'd the whole house.

[audience laughing]

He has no idea what it is
or how to use it.

He'll call me up, he's like,
"The Bluetooth doesn't work!

Goddammit! Why doesn't it connect?"

I'm like, "You gotta reset it."

He's like, "How do I do that?"

I'm like, "You, uh, you gotta
unplug everything in the house."

[audience laughing]

And you'll-- you'll hear him,
he'll put down the phone and be like,

"Goddammit," and he'll move the couch,

-unplug everything.
-[audience laughing]

I'll hear my mom in the background, like,
"Ask him about the fridge."

I'm like, "Dude, oh, yeah,
unplug the fridge. Fuck the food.

Get it out, throw it away.
Get it out now."

It's crazy, man, he hears these tech terms

and he just like sticks with 'em.

Like "smart," you know, like smart car,

smartphone, smart TV.

Everything's smart, you know?

And, uh, my mom called me up

and she was like,
"Will you buy me a toaster?"

I was like, "Yeah,
I'll buy you a toaster. Why?"

She's like, "Ours broke."
I'm like, "Well, they don't break.

I mean, I don't-- did you break it?"

It's just a kak-kak, that's all it is.
Ka-ting, it doesn't break.

It's a spring.
It's ka-king, that's all it is.

"Did you throw it at Dad?
How did it break? They don't break."

She goes, "Just get it for me, please."

I said, "Alright."
I went and bought her a toaster.

I brought it to the house,
and it has a digital clock on it.

It just tells the time. That's all it is,
just a digital clock.

I put it on the counter,
my dad came down, he was like,

"Is that a smart toaster?"

[audience laughing]

I was like, "You better believe it, pal."

-[audience laughing]
-My mom called me a week later,

she's like, "You have
to tell him the truth.

He's been talking
to the toaster all day long."

[audience laughing]

I hear him, he's like,
"Hey, Alexis, play Kid Rock,

and toast 'til five and a half, please."

[audience laughing]

That's my dad, dude.
He talks to that stuff.

We tell him, you know?
We got him one of those, uh,

one of the G-- the Google ones.

We got him a Google one, and, uh,

you're supposed to say, "Hey, Google."

And my dad got all fuckin' wasted.

He was, like, walking around,
he's like, "Hey, good girl.

Hey, good girl, do it for me, baby."

[audience laughing]

I love him so much, man.

I love him so much.

Last year, he-- he beat
prostate cancer, which is wild.

-That was insane.
-[audience cheering]

-Yeah.
-[audience applauding]

It's pretty cool.
Yeah, it was pretty cool, um, you know?

But it's so funny,
when you reach a certain age,

you like don't give a shit at all anymore.

And, uh, you know, I took my dad

to a Monday night football game,
which was really rad.

I got to take him to a Monday night
football game.

He's never been to one live.

And then, we went out
and just got hammered afterwards.

We were totally smooshed.
I mean, we were so fuckin' gone.

And we're sitting at the bar,
just my dad and I,

just like, like--
just leaning against the bar.

You know when you're just so, so gone?

And he looks over at me,
you know like how a dad

can look over at you sometimes?

Gives me that smile, you know,
that twinkle in his eye,

like he wants to tussle my hair, you know?

And I'm drunk, and I was like,
"What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" You know?

I'm waiting for him to say he loves me,
you know?

And he goes, "I'm pissing right now."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "I can't take
this guy anywhere, man."

[audience laughing]

But my dad's health
made me check my health.

I had to check my health.

I got scared about all that stuff,
you know?

I was flying all over the place,
not taking care of myself.

I was flying so much.

I was flying back from the East Coast,

and I said to the flight attendant,

I said, "Excuse me, could I get a water
with no ice?"

Just like that. Very polite.

"Could I get a water with no ice?"

I could do it again. "Could I get a water
with no ice?"

Same inflection.

And she stopped, and she goes,

"I'll get to you when I get to you."

[audience laughing]

And somehow, I like morphed into De Niro,

I was like, [imitating De Niro]
"This fuckin' bitch."

-[audience laughing]
-"Okay, bitch."

I was like, "What did I do?"
I didn't say anything rude or mean to her.

What was that about?

And I stopped for a second,
I go, "Andrew, you don't know

what's going on in her life," you know?

"You have no idea
what she's going through.

Take it easy, man."

So, I was just watching her
do her job, left her alone,

and then it hit me.
I was like, "You know what?"

[sniffles]
Being a flight attendant's hard.

They gotta deal
with a lot of assholes, man.

Flight attendants
are like the nurses of the sky.

They're like the nurses of the sky,

because they're important,
they're very important.

But when they tell you something,

you're like, "Okay." [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

"Kinda wanna hear from a doctor,
if you don't mind.

Run along, get a doctor."

[audience laughing]

But I was flying everywhere,
and I got home,

and I get all this blood work done.

My doctor was like,
"It's-- you know, you're fine,

but your cholesterol is too high."

I was like, "What? Why?

"I've been working out.

I've been eating good.
I'm not drinking as much."

He's like, "It could be hereditary."

I call my dad, I was like, "Pop...

are you on cholesterol medication?"

He was like, [laughing] "Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, uh-huh."

I go, "For how long?"
He's like, "Since you've known me."

[audience laughing]

It's like, that would've helped to know.

And so now, my doctor's like,

"Well, we gotta give you this stuff.
You have to take this.

You could have a stroke
or a heart attack."

And I was like, "What?"

So now, I'm on this shit.

I'm on what's called a statin.
I'm on Lipitor.

Any stat-daddies in the house?
Where my stat-dawgs at?

Where my stat-daddies at?
Where my Lip-dawgs?

Yeah, there they are.
There they are, I see a little--

I see a couple guys sweating.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, so they put me on
this stuff, but I hate it.

I don't like taking
prescription medications.

I don't-- I never know what dose to take.

I leave it places, I lose it.
I often call it the wrong thing.

Yeah, I've-- I've often said it's Levitra.

-I've said that a lot.
-[audience laughing]

Some of you may know,
Levitra, that's boner pills.

-That is not the same thing.
-[audience laughing]

My buddy was like, "You wanna drink?"

I'm like, "Nah, I'm on Levitra right now.

I can't have that."

He's like, "Then get outta my house.

What are you doing here?
I don't want you to..."

[audience laughing]

But it was on the road, you know?

And I was on the road
when I was taking this stuff,

and I was having crazy
side effects, like really bad.

And so, I called the doctor's office

and the nurse answered the phone,

and she's like,
"We're the answering service.

He's out of the country.
What can I help you with?"

And I said, "I'm having, um,
really bad side effects.

"I'm getting a little bit
nervous and I don't know what to do.

And I'm kind of panicking right now,

and I-- and I really need your help."

And she goes, "Uh-uh-uh. Slow down, sir.

"Slow down, okay?

I don't have your chart.
I don't know what we gave you."

And I was like, [imitating De Niro]
"This fuckin' bitch."

[audience laughing]

So without thinking,
I go, "You gave me Levitra."

And she goes, [chuckling]
"We gave you Levitra?"

I said, "That's what I fuckin' said."

And she goes, "Okay, we don't really
give Levitra out."

I said, "Yeah, well, you did!"

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "What's the problem, sir?"

I said, "Diarrhea, lady.
Explosive diarrhea."

And she was like,
[laughing] "From Levitra?

Oh, my God, I've never heard that."

She goes, "I'm sorry,
I have to ask, does-- does that happen--

does that happen while you're performing?"

[audience laughing]

And as a stand-up, I was like,
"She knows who I am."

[audience laughing]

I was lost in the sauce.
I was like, "No, not while I'm performing,

but the moment I get off,
right when I get off, I shit everywhere."

-She goes, "Right when you're done?"
-I go,

"The second I'm done, I'm pooping."

She was like, "Oh, my God!
Does any of it get on your partner?"

I was like, "I'm a solo act.
What're you talking about?"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "You take it by yourself?"

I go, "What the fuck
are you talking about?"

She goes, "What the fuck
are you talking about?"

I said, "Lady, put the pilot on the phone.

I don't wanna talk to you anymore."

[audience laughing]

"He'll be able to land this plane."

Yeah, so I had to be-- I had--

so I've-I've been trying to take
care of myself, you know?

And it's hard. It is very hard
as you get older.

It is very hard to take care of yourself,

and you're always running
around like a mad person.

You know, and I don't sleep well.

I don't sleep well,
and I don't like people that do.

You know, you meet these people
that do, and you're like, "What?

"Really? You're not thinking about stuff?

"Like, you go to bed at night,
and you're like,

'Everything seems fine around the world.'"

[audience laughing]

[laughing] No.

My doctor was like,
"Just get a white noise machine."

I was like, "Oh, that's--
that's the solution?

Get a white-- Okay, fine."

So, I went to go get
a white noise machine.

They were all sold out,
white noise machine.

We got a black noise machine instead.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, but it just Facetimed
other black noise machines all night long.

[audience laughing]

-It's hard to get sleep, man.
-[audience laughing]

No, come on, it's stupid. Come on.

No, we did-- we actually did--

we actually did have
a black noise machine.

We actually did get one, but, um...

The neighbor's white noise machine
kept calling the cops

-on our black noise machine.
-[audience laughing]

It was so disrespectful. I was like,
"Mind your business," you know?

That's enough, honestly,
come on, blah, blah, blah.

Throw it away, yuck,
gross, come on, let's go.

No, we actually-- no, honest--
we did actually, honestly,

we did have a black noise
machine for a little while.

Um, but we, uh, couldn't get
the darn thing to work.

-Um...
-[audience laughing]

[audience hooting, laughing]

[chuckles dryly]

I'm sorry. I don't even like
that one. Let's move on.

-[audience laughing]
-[clicking tongue]

We had a Mexican noise machine
for a little while.

[audience laughing]

Brown noise, yeah, that thing, uh,
that thing worked itself to death,

-that poor thing.
-[audience laughing]

Just the constant hum
of a leaf blower all night,

just... [mimics leaf blower]

[mimics speaking Spanish]
[mimics leaf blower]

Didn't even take batteries,
just two Modelos upside down.

[audience laughing]

Alright, come on, we gotta-- come on.

[audience laughing]

We had an Asian noise machine
for a little while.

[audience laughing]

So quiet, yeah.

So polite. Didn't even know
it was there, really.

It, uh, it took its own life.
It killed itself.

-Um... I know.
-[audience laughing]

We put it in rice, just didn't help.

[audience laughing]

All night long, it was like,
[in Asian accent] "Go to sreep."

[normal] I was like, "Alright, babe,
we gotta-- this is not--

that's not helping us go to bed, is it?"

That's enough, come on, this is so stupid.

[audience laughing]

[clicking tongue]

We had a Jewish noise machine
for a little while.

-Alright, no. I can't do that one.
-[audience laughing]

They'll get me if I do that one, for sure.

-[audience laughing]
-[light applause]

Speaking of Jews, my mom...

[audience laughing]

...my mom made me take German
when I was a kid. [chuckles]

My mother made me take German
when I was a little boy. Yeah.

Crazy.

I went to a school called
Lasalle in Chicago.

You had to take a secondary
language in first grade.

You could have put your kid
in French, German, or Spanish.

French, German, or Spanish.

My mom was like, "Put him in German.
See what happens."

[audience laughing]

Lady, what am I gonna do with it?

I know German now as an adult.
Some of it, right? I can't use it.

Even if I go to Germany now,
I'm like, "Hallo, Ich heisse Andrew."

They're like,
"Don't, don't, what? No, don't.

"Oh, my God. We speak English here, dude.
Don't do that.

You saw what we did. We did it twice.
So, don't-- we speak English now."

[audience laughing]

[chuckling] My God.

It's a hideous language.
French and Spanish are beautiful, right?

They really are. They're gorgeous.

German takes beautiful things
and ruins it, right?

Like the phrase, "I love you"?
"I love you" is so precious.

We wait to say it to someone,
it means so much to us.

You know what "I love you" is in French?
Who knows in French?

You know French, huh?

Huh? Je t'aime, oui.
Je t'aime, yes. Je t'aime, huh.

Little bicycle with a basket.
Ching, ching, Je t'aime.

With the bread sticking out
by the river, you know?

And the guy with the shit, with the thing,
by the bike with the thing, you know?

[audience laughing]

You know what "I love you" is in Spanish?

-[audience member] Te amo.
-Te amo, mi amor. Te amo.

[mimics trumpet music]

[audience laughing]

Te amo. It's beautiful. Te amo. Je t'aime.

Oh, I love you.

In German, it's Ich liebe dich.

[audience laughing]

That's "I love you." Ich liebe dich.

Ladies, could you imagine
a guy on top of you

like, "Ich liebe dich."
[laughs maniacally]

Ich liebe dich. Yeah, das is good, yeah?
[laughs maniacally]

You'll be like, "Get this guy
away from me, he's a murderer."

-[audience laughing]
-Ich liebe dich--

If you saw a man outside yelling
at a woman, "Ich liebe dich.

Ich liebe dich."

You'd be like,
"Why is that deaf guy yelling,

-'I love dick' at that lady?
-[audience laughing]

Just go get some dick, man.
Leave her alone."

[audience laughing]

If you listen closely, though,
dich is not dick.

Dich is you, right?

"Dick," the Germans got right.

"Dick" is good. "Dick" is schwanz,
yeah, mein schwanz.

-[audience laughing]
-It sounds good.

-It sounds big, right? Schwanz, yeah.
-[audience laughing]

Even if it's not, mein schwanz, yeah.
You like the schwanz?

And the word for "big" is gross. Gross.

So, even if it's not, and you whip it out,
and you're like,

"Yeah, that's a gross schwanz, yeah?"

[audience laughing]

Every girl is like,
"Yeah, that is a gross schwanz.

That is gross , yeah.
That is sehr gross, yeah."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, the Germans did that right, man.

They did that part right.

Schwanz, it sounds great, you know?

We give this way too many names,
way too many names.

Cock, dong, dick, schlong, wiener.
It's-- what are we doin'?

And every one of these has a size.

Every one of these indicates a size.

And everybody in here knows
exactly which size they have.

[audience laughing]

Penis right here, self-admitted penis.

[audience laughing]

Good old-fashioned penis.

Just a penis. Just a Geo Metro.

[audience laughing]

It'll get you there.

I don't know if you'll get home,
but it'll get you there.

[audience laughing]

The term for Black dick--
Black dick is great.

This is like my favorite. Black dick is
schwarzer schwanz.

Schwarzer schwanz.
Sounds like a Bond villain.

"We'll get you one day,
Schwarzer Schwanz."

"You can't hide forever,
Schwarzer Schwanz."

[audience laughing]

White dick's the opposite.
White dick is weisser schwanz.

Like, alright. That sounds like
a nursery rhyme,

like two kids coming down a hill
with buckets of water.

Like... ♪ Weisser schwanz,
weisser schwanz, wei-- ♪

[gasps] "Oh, no! Schwarzer schwanz!"

[growls]

-"Who can stop schwarzer schwanz?"
-[audience laughing]

"Get a thick white girl.
Quick, get a thick white girl."

"She will eat it up like Ms. Pac-Man."
Just-- [mimics Pac-Man sounds]

[audience laughing]

I hated German so much.

I hated taking it as a kid. I hated it!

And I was bad in school.
And my teacher hated me.

And she would embarrass me.

'Cause in German, you have to learn

how to go like this...
[hisses] How to hiss.

And she'd make me stand up,
she'd be like, "Andrew,

"stand up in front of the class, please.

"And you have to hiss like a kitty cat.

Like a kitty cat, Andrew."

And I'd have to stand up.
[mimics speaking German]

"Like a kitty cat."

I'd walk home and be like,
"What's with that fuckin' bitch and cats?"

And I got older and I realized,
Germans are just like cats.

They are just like cats.

They're creepy, and evasive, and quiet,

and they fuckin' hate Jews.

-It's crazy.
-[audience laughing]

Dude, I know. I-- I have a dog.
It's so different.

[audience laughing]

I do. I have a little lady.

I have-- I have two ladies at the house,
my wife and my dog.

Those are my ladies, and I love that.
Coming home is great.

I love coming home to them.
It is so wonderful.

And I'm on the road so much,
so it is hard.

You know, it's hard to keep a relationship
the way you want it to, and we're trying.

We tried everything, you know?

But I know how to fuck up a good time.

-You know that.
-[audience laughing]

I mean, honestly, my attitude

gets in the way all the time.

She was texting me, she's like,

"I want you to come home and just take me.

Take me."

And I was like, "Oh, yeah."

Then I walked in the door, I was like,

"Why'd you park
on that side of the driveway?"

"What are you doing?
No. Put your tits away. Move the car.

Let's go. Now."

-[audience laughing]
-It is hard, you know?

'Cause you get older with someone,
and you just know them really well.

You know, and we're trying to spice it up.
We try all sorts of stuff.

Yeah, we wa-- we watched porn together.

That was like the worst thing we ever did.

-[audience laughing]
-Such a dumb idea,

'cause the guys, we're--
we're always like,

"Yeah, do you wanna--
I wanna watch porn with you."

And the girls are like,
"Okay, what category do you wanna watch?"

You're like, "I don't want you to know."

[audience laughing]

Watching porn with your wife, it's just
like watching sports with your wife.

It's the exact same thing.

'Cause every guy is like,
"I could do that. I bet I could do that."

[audience laughing]

And every girl is like,
"Those Black guys look strong."

[audience laughing]

"I wonder what that feels like."

[audience laughing]

We retired that. Now, we just like bad TV.

We love shitty TV. We-- I love watching
shitty TV with her.

We're-- we go on these runs
of watching such, like, bad dumb TV.

We were watching Storage Wars.
We watched so much of Storage Wars.

We were watching so much of that,
that at some point,

we were hooking up,
and I was like, "Yeah!"

[audience laughing]

And she was like,
[rambles like an auctioneer]

"Sold. Too fast. Sold. Next bidder?"

I was like, "Nobody else is here, right?
What do you mean?"

We were watching this history documentary.

We were watching this history documentary
and I got a little stoned, and, uh...

It was-- it was, uh...

They did this whole thing about the KKK.

Do you know-- do you know
about these guys?

-[audience laughing]
-You know about these guys?

[scoffs] Can you imagine
if I just found out about the KKK?

I was like, "Have you guys
heard of these guys?"

They did a whole piece about the KKK,

and, uh, I turned to her, and I was like,

"You think, uh, you think
there's any gay guys in the KKK?"

And she was like, "What? What?"

I was like, "You think there's
any gay guys in the KKK?"

She's like, "Is this one of your bits?"

And I was like, "It's gonna be, yeah."

[audience laughing]

Because, to me, there has to be.
There literally has to be.

Statistically, there has to be.

And I love statistics,
analytics, so I did the math.

You don't have to. I already did it.

[audience laughing]

Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee,

those are the four states with the highest
concentration of KKK.

Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee.

And in those states, 3,000
to 5,000 members in the KKK, give or take.

You know, some guys aren't
really telling anybody about it.

And in those four states,
Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee,

2% to 3% of the male population
identify as homosexual.

Even a conservative estimate
of 2% of 3,000 is 60.

-[audience member] Whoo!
-Sixty.

[audience laughing]

Sixty gay guys in the KKK.

[audience laughing]

-What are they doing?
-[audience laughing]

You little quiet queers,
what are you up to?

Just putting glitter on the crosses before
they burn 'em.

-What are they doing?
-[audience laughing]

Listening to Chappell Roan
while they hate.

[audience laughing]

It's wild.

But I've enjoyed my time with her so much.

Like, we have so much
fun together. We really do.

Like, it is the best, you know?

And I will say, there's moments
that we've grown together

that we get really close.

You know, like the last time
I did the big tour down under,

and I came home, you know, and she-- she
texted me and she said,

"Hey, I really want to connect with you
when you get home this time, okay?

"Put work away. Let's spend
the entire day in bed, huh?

"I wanna have sex, I wanna eat food,
I wanna watch movies and TV.

I wanna do nothing
but stay in bed all day."

And I was like, "Oh, yes!"

And then, I came home,
and something happened.

It worked. Everything lined up, perfectly.
You know? It was amazing.

We had sex like we used to have sex.
Yeah. Like when we were young.

And if you know what I'm talking about,
you know what I'm talking about.

We had sex like we used to have sex,
and we both knew it,

'cause in the middle of it,
we were both just like... [laughing]

"What the fuck is going on?

-Two positions? What are we doing?"
-[audience laughing]

Like, when she flipped over,
I reacted like a Black guy who saw magic.

I was like, "Aaaaah!
What you doin', David Blaine?"

I left the room.

[audience laughing]

It was incredible. I was so happy.

I was in the bathroom
brushing my teeth, you know,

I was looking at myself in the mirror,

and I was feeling good
'cause I didn't eat breakfast that day.

I was like,
"Look at this fuckin' guy, man."

[audience laughing]

And she was in bed, you know,

and I was just feeling myself,

'cause you feel good afterward, you know?

Guys are like, "Oh, hell yeah,"
you're still at half-mast.

-You know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

Your dick's like a soldier,
fresh off the battlefield,

just resting on a rock, just like,

[labored breathing] "You did pretty good."
[chuckles]

He's got that heartbeat
in him, just, yeah.

"If you want me to go back out
there, I can go back out there, man."

You're like, "The war's over,
buddy. Take off your helmet.

"It's over, man, you can't.
[clearing throat]

You got nothin' left, okay?"

[audience laughing]

And then, she turned to me
and she was just like,

"How come you don't touch me
after we have sex?"

-And I was like, "What?"
-[audience laughing]

"How come you don't wanna
touch me after we have sex?"

I go, "I just touched you so much!

I touched inside; that's top touch."

That's top touch as far as I'm concerned.

If you were playing a game
of tag with somebody, you touched inside,

and they'd be like,
"Alright, what the fuck was that? That--

"I don't like that at all.
You gotta cut that out.

-Game over."
-[audience laughing]

She goes, "I'm serious."
I was like, "I don't know!"

I asked all my guy friends, I'm like,

"Do you touch your wives and girlfriends

after you have sex?"

And they were like, [laughing] "No!

"No! We don't go back
to the scene of an accident.

You gotta get outta there."

But I can't communicate to her.
It's hard to do that.

She doesn't understand. She has no idea.

Women, you have no idea
what we're going through.

You don't get it.
Sex is so different for you.

Man, it feels so good.

You connect on a level
we could never get to.

Physical, mental, emotional,
it's all wrapped in one.

I'm sure it feels incredible for you.

We're not even there! I'm not even there
while it's happening.

I'm bla-- I'm floating
through time and space,

completely blacked out,

like a marionette, just...
[blathers indistinctly]

I'm not there.

And then when it's over,
I'm sure you feel safe, and happy,

and warm, and joyous.

We don't! We don't.

The second it's done,
the moment the last drop comes out,

it's the saddest I've ever been.

[audience laughing]

In the history of my adult life.

It's like somebody
runs in the room when I'm done,

and is like, "Your whole family is dead."

I'm walking around half-cocked,
just like, "They're all dead?"

[audience laughing]

"Is my dad in his chair?

What happened?"

I just lost 128 million people.

Gone! The whole platoon is gone.
All the boys are dead. That's my fault.

A hundred and twenty-eight-- That's Japan.
That's the country of Japan I just lost,

on your tits, and you want a hug?

Let me brush my teeth, okay?

[audience laughing]

[laughs] I'm trying. I'm trying.
I don't know if it's working, you know?

But I am trying my best.

But I love her.

[audience laughing]

I love her to death.

And it's been a great journey,
and I hope it continues.

And I've said this at every show,

and I will say this at this show too.

And I mean it. I really do.

I don't care how you found me,

whether it was a TV show, or bad friends,

or Dave, or whatever, or whiskey.

-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[smacking lips]

Uh, but I will say,
it-- it means the world to me,

and it'll never, ever get old.

It really won't, being able
to do this for a living.

I appreciate every single
one of you. Thank you so much.

Goodbye, Minneapolis. Good night.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

On the count of three,
give me a loud, "You betcha."

One, two, three.

[audience] You betcha!