Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language, adult humour,

and some scenes of a sexual nature

PHONE ALERT, VIBRATES

PHONE ALERT, VIBRATES

Well, can you check it?

"Hello, Deb. Just in the toilets,

"thinking about you. Love, Dev."

Aww, he's sweet. Worth the effort from all of us.

Yes?

You said you have to keep your eyes shut when you have sex with him.

Yeah, I do, but he's got a massive house.

Massive.

Massive.

ON RADIO: # I'm all the way up I swear you'll never bring me down

# Shout out to my ex... #

RADIO OFF

Sorry, I really can't handle sad music right now.

It's Little Mix. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God,

you're not going to have another one of your bloody episodes, are you?

I think it's already started.

Well, this time, can you try and not drag everyone

into your vortex of misery, please?

HEAVY THUD

Just get in the back, Josie.

ENGINE STARTS

Late. Good day?

Drive. I'm just going to let these kids go past.

Kill them.

DEB HUMS

What the fuck?

Is that Nicky? Who's he with? Look at her!

Look at her horrible eyebrows!

Wow, she's fit.

Oh, well, why don't you just finger her, then? Sorry.

I'm going to kill myself.

Don't let him see me!

You don't need to be so dramatic.

Oh, God. I'm going to be sick.

It's coming.

SHE RETCHES

It's fucking coming.

As a woman, you really shouldn't tie your self-esteem to a man.

I'm going to cut my wrists and send him a picture.

For God's sake. Josie, will you tell her?

Yeah, no, I actually tried that with Georgia.

I bled all the way from Crawley to Bristol,

and she didn't even offer

to pay for the Megabus back or anything.

Listen, girls, I know it's hard,

but as you get older, you'll learn to love with less of your heart.

Less and less,

until eventually there's nothing left any more. OK?

No.

You just haven't met "the one".

He's the love of my life.

WHISPERS: Wash the blade first.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Now, remember, girls, be normal.

We like this one.

WHISPERING: I'm going to call him Daddy. I'm going to call him Daddy,

but, like, only in a sexual way.

And, Josie, keep it light.

DOOR OPENS

Dev!

So it was at that point they put me on my mirtazapine.

Right?

Which actually, I think more like...

..masks the issue rather than dealing with the root cause of it,

if you get me. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I don't really feel any happier,

I just want to eat Frosties, literally, all the time.

Would you like to see my hospital pyjamas?

Uh...

Mum, she's talking about her mental health again.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Not to Dev!

Guess what colour they are.

Dinner is ready. Now.

Oh, lovely!

DEV CHUCKLES GENTLY

Don't you dare.

I shouldn't have to hide my depression.

And I shouldn't have to hide the stress shingles on my arse

with a Compeed, but we all make sacrifices.

LOUD GRINDING

P-FF-RT!

Costs more than my wine, that does.

Sorry.

P-FF-RRRT! P-FF-RT! P-FF-RT!

TV: Pole with a flat blade used to row a boat.

Three, noble gas with the atomic number 86.

Anyone like a Mini Milk? Yeah.

Keep staring like that, and I will slit your throat in your bed.

Can I get a hand, please, Dev? Oh, of course.

Jose, I need to ask you something.

Yeah. And I need you to answer honestly.

OK. Seriously, even if it's something

that I'm not going to like. OK.

Do you think Nicky's moved on?

Yes. No, because he hasn't actually broken up with me,

that's the thing. He just asked for space.

Yeah, but I kind of feel like asking for space is just the thing you do

before accepting your relationship is dead.

What? Well, it's a bit like, um, you'd only have, like, leftovers

that you're never actually going to finish, so you just put them

in Tupperware and leave them in the fridge and they just go off in the fridge, right?

When really you should just put them straight in the bin.

It's a bit like that.

It's in the bin.

He's really not worth obsessing over. I'm not obsessed.

I just can't live without him.

Mm. I gave him everything. Mm.

I had sex with him literally all the time,

even when I really didn't want to.

Yeah. Yeah, cos that's what love is.

That's what love is. Yeah.

I'm going to go to his birthday party, win him back. I love that.

Yeah, you should definitely do that. He's obviously forgotten

I'm a ten and he's a two. Yeah, I think so. I've just got to remind him. Jose, we're soulmates.

Yeah. And if he doesn't take me back, I will kill myself.

Cool.

Do you want a strawberry or chocolate Mini Milk?

Strawberry, please. OK.

DEB BREATHES QUICKLY

That's it, that's it.

That's it.

DEB MOANS

Well?

Pudding's cancelled.

What's wrong? Sorry.

I'm not sure what's happened there. Hmm.

Do you want a beer?

Er, no, no.

I just brushed my teeth, so...

To be honest with you,

I think it might be something to do with Josie.

It's her face.

It's just...so sad.

Oh, that's just her personality.

Trust me, she likes being depressed.

Oh, well, it's put me off a bit.

Put me off my game.

Oh, all right.

See, a girl her age, it's not right and, er...

I'm not sure it's healthy to be round it.

See, Joe Rogan,

he says depression is contagious.

And I've just got too much on at work

to be...catching that.

Hmm?

Of course.

Could you just...?

Sorry. Thanks.

GOOD MORNING!

Time for work.

I don't think I'm up to it.

I'm just not creatively fulfilled in retail.

Josie, we've talked about this.

Work isn't about fulfilment, it's about earning money

so you can buy stuff that makes you FEEL fulfilled.

I think... No, no, stop.

Too much thinking.

No wonder you feel a bit sad.

Just have a cup of tea, pop some deodorant on and stop thinking.

But... Trust me. Stop thinking.

Do you see ME thinking?

No. It's not good for you.

Your brain is the enemy, so just stop.

And can you try and smile a bit more when you're with us?

Dev says he finds you a haunting presence,

and I'd prefer if his libido wasn't dragged down by your face.

There she is, ready for the big wide world.

DEB SNIFFS

Have you farted?

Well, I can't do it in MY room - Dev's in there.

Please don't make me go inside.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

Yeah. My tits feel really tight.

Do other people really just walk around pretending they're absolutely

fine when everything inside their head is on fire?

I genuinely think I'd rather be dead

than if I've got to spend the rest of my life smiling and pretending

like I'm someone else.

Get out of the fucking car.

Ah-ha! Found you!

You've been off for ages. Where you been?

Really shouldn't talk about it.

Methinks the girl is troubled.

I don't want to suck you into my vortex.

Come on. I've made a hot choccy and everything.

Talk to me.

OK, well, Mum's got this new boyfriend called Dev.

Right? And he's really nice and I really thought we were getting on.

But then, basically, Mum came in this morning and told me

that my face was actually preventing him

from being able to get an erection,

which is an issue cos he's got a massive house.

I think the problem was that I walked in on him

fingering her in the kitchen, bent over the toaster.

BREATHES SHAKILY

But I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable.

I just wanted to talk to him.

And how did it go?

Well, it was like he was trying to birth a lamb

but the lamb didn't want to come out yet.

No, I meant talking...to him.

Oh. Well, we didn't get that far.

I think we were both a bit distracted.

Do you...do you really think my face could prevent him

getting an erection?

I don't know.

Oh. This is actually, um, cold.

I'm just going to go and reheat.

BILLIE SIGHS

What does he see in her?

Who?

Bianca. I found her.

Don't wipe it on my bed.

What is it about her?

I don't know.

She seems quite happy.

And she's so fucking thin.

I hate that. I know.

Where's all the damage? What the fuck does she even talk about?

I guess we just have to remember

that most people aren't wet for trauma like we are.

But trauma's all we've got.

I know.

OK. How do I be more like her?

Don't worry. She's basic.

She's "live, laugh, love". We're...

death, silence, hate.

They'll go out for a bit,

she'll break his heart,

he'll be alone and vulnerable,

and that's when we strike.

And what the fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime? I don't know.

Stop texting him and leave him alone for a bit?

THEY LAUGH

OK, be serious!

Do you think I shouldn't go to the party?

No, you should, you look really skinny.

Not skinny like HER, though. Yep, really skinny.

Everyone's worried - we all talked about it.

Really?

Mum's going to try and fix my depression tomorrow

by taking me shopping. Oh, my God,

you're stealing my move. What?

Yeah, sometimes I just pretend I'm going to kill myself,

she takes me out for a new jacket and a Wagamama.

That's amazing!

What about this?

No, it's too...straight.

Well, think how feminine you'd look, though.

Hides your arms.

This one? No.

Dresses like that don't suit me. I look like a milkmaid.

Why are you so weird about your body?

Try it on.

It'll hide your round shoulders. I don't want to.

Try it on! I don't want to! I don't like it.

Please don't shout, or I'll have a panic attack.

Why are you so anxious?

Cos I'm traumatised by my childhood.

No, that can't be it. You must be having too much coffee.

Now, get in there and try the fucking dress on,

or I swear to God, I will scream the place down! Can I help? Yes.

My daughter won't try the dress on. Why won't you try the dress on?

All right, fine, I'll try the fucking dress on, OK?!

You look lovely!

I'm buying it.

OK...

Doesn't that feel good?

It does a bit.

Mum, we don't have that much money.

You're using a clothes peg as a hairclip.

It's fine.

It's quite a rush, isn't it? Exactly.

New clothes are really exciting, cos you haven't had the chance to create

any sad memories wearing them yet. I could be a new me.

A better me. Now you're getting it.

Oh, it's starting to wear off a bit now.

I feel a bit sad again.

Well, that's why we go back next week. Oh, OK. As long as you don't

think it's unhealthy to try and fix mental health problems

by throwing money we don't have

into an ever-growing void. Accessories.

Billie. Mm.

Billie? Hmm?

How much? £27.

And Mum paid for it.

She cried until they gave her a discount, though, right? Nope.

Honestly, she got out her card and she paid.

It was like a film.

Money must have come through from the roof insurance scam.

Oh... Right,

so I spent four hours on Bianca's Instagram and I realised

what Nicky's been trying to tell me.

What? It's her hair.

He likes blondes.

Bleached blondes.

OK...? So guess what. What?

We're going blonde.

We've got three hours before the party, and it better look good

or I'm going to tell Mum where you've hidden the pills. OK.

Are you sure you want to do this? Do you remember how mine looked?

But you've got such thin hair, so it was always going to look different.

Plus, you didn't know whether to put it on your head or to drink it.

I was kept in a psych ward overnight.

Oh, my God, are we EVER going to stop talking

about your mental health?

BILLIE SIGHS

EXACTLY like her, yeah?

Really look at it, Jose.

Remember - fucking fit.

Got it. OK. What do I have to do?

Right, you mix the powder with the goo so it goes burny.

Is that what it says in the leaflet? Yeah.

Then, when it's all on, that's when you put the hat on my head.

That bit's really important, so it cooks.

Do you mean the Asda bag?

Yes, the hat.

Stinks in here.

Sorry.

TOILET FLUSHES

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi, Dev.

Hello.

Do you like my new dress?

Uh, yes.

You...you look very jolly.

Doesn't she look like Reese Witherspoon, but more feminine?

How's my big man? All the better for seeing you, sexy bum.

I think maybe we should have a look

at something in the kitchen?

Thanks for doing this, by the way.

You're welcome.

It's nice, isn't it, spending time together?

Why do you always have to make things so fucking weird? Sorry.

This is going to look so good, though, isn't it?

Yeah. Cos that's feminism.

If it hurts loads, it must be worth doing.

Um...yeah.

He's not going to know what to do with himself

now that I'm bleached blonde with big tits.

So much blood is going to rush to his dick,

he's going to get brain damage.

Bianca is fucked.

She's going to end up in a psych ward like you.

You're foaming at the mouth.

Yeah.

It's really fucking stinging now.

Where would you say on, like, a scale?

Like a seven.

OK, seven's not so bad.

Now it's on the roots, anyway.

OK, it's gone up.

Eight.

8.5.

Nine.

Oh, no, does it hurt?

BILLIE WHINES

WAILS: 9.5!

Josie seems much chirpier.

Oh, yes.

They're both in great spirits.

My two happy little girls!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, my God, it burns!

SHE GASPS AND PANTS

I don't know

how other women go through what we go through for men.

I do this all for you, Nicky.

This is all for you.

Nearly done. This is what you wanted!

OK.

Finished.

Is it stretchy?

Remember to check.

Is it?

A bit.

OK, I'm just going to put the hat on now.

BAG RUSTLES

I have never been in this much pain in my entire life.

I can't breathe.

I think I'm going to die.

I look incredible, right?

Oh, my God. Wow!

I mean, I'm your sister, and I'm horny.

Don't wait up!

DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES

TV: Modernity and warmth reflecting each family's unique personality

and, of course, their passion for cooking.

Join us next time as we venture into...

TV OFF See, it's interesting they went with the granite countertops in the end

because they're not as durable as they should be. Mm.

That is so interesting, Dev.

Yes, isn't it, Josie?

WHISPERS: Good girl.

I decided on Silestone in the end.

It's a bit less trendy, but, um,

as I always say, function over fashion.

It'll look gorgeous when it's finished.

Yes. Yes, yes, it is.

You see, people often rush the finish, but that's actually

where you maximise your yield. Mm.

Um, and that reminds me,

since you're so artistic, Deb,

perhaps you'd like to help me pick out the tiles for the backsplash?

Love to! THEY CHUCKLE QUIETLY

Right, well, I'm going to have a fag

and...then maybe...an early night,

sexy bum.

WHISPERS: It's happening, Josie!

DOOR SLAMS

BILLIE: You fucking bitch!

You said you NEEDED the hat, so the hair cooks.

Why didn't you tell me

I had Asda on the back of my head?!

Um...I'm afraid of confrontation?

Well, you're going to get one now.

I'm going to fucking kill you!

GRUNTING

Stop it!

Stop it!

Agh!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh!

I think I'm having a panic attack.

Not the ketchup!

Not my dress! Oh, you look like a fucking milkmaid!

It costs more than my wine!

Stop being pig women!

Do you see what you've done, Josie?

Right, that's it.

I'm really going to do it this time. It's happening.

I'm going to fucking do it.

All OK?

Yes. Erm...

Billie just wants to go to Wagamama.

Hello. I'd just like to return this, please. Yeah, of course.

Anything wrong with that? No, nothing.

Just didn't suit her.

Not feminine enough.

Oh.

Er...

Yeah,

I don't think we can accept this.

Girls, can you just wait outside, please?

Sorry.

DEB CRIES

It's just that my husband's left us, with quite a lot of debt

and, um, we're just trying to be really brave about it.

Just...

DEB SOBS

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry your hair didn't win Nicky back.

He was bad news anyway.

No, he was perfect.

Exactly my type.

Drug dealer who looked like he wanted to hurt me.

Daddy?

Daddy.

He did have great chat, though, didn't he? Great chat.

That doesn't mean he's allowed to be a dick.

Yeah.

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Literally never wore a condom once.

That's classic Nicky.

Not once? Didn't like them.

He said they'd end up in the ocean and dolphins can choke on them.

Billie, that's really bad. What if you're like...? No, there's no chance.

Because your body has to be, like, totally ready to be pregnant.

Mine's just not ready. Honestly, I've been so stressed,

I haven't had a period for, like, two months, so don't worry, OK?

Everything's going to be fine.

I'm just going to check the sale before they close.