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1
00:00:14,564 --> 00:00:19,523
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:32,682 --> 00:00:36,140
The so-called "Father of Our
Country," George Washington,
3
00:00:36,186 --> 00:00:38,313
felt shaking hands was
beneath the president,
4
00:00:38,354 --> 00:00:40,288
so he would, uh, bow.
5
00:00:40,323 --> 00:00:43,019
Now let's move on
to the War of 1812.
6
00:00:43,059 --> 00:00:45,323
Dolly Madison served
the first bowl of ice cream
7
00:00:45,361 --> 00:00:46,487
in the White House.
8
00:00:46,529 --> 00:00:47,757
True story.
9
00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,458
(whispers):
What are you doing?
10
00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:52,332
You really shouldn't let
your hair get so knotted,
11
00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:54,199
unless you want it to fall out.
12
00:00:54,237 --> 00:00:57,365
If you wanted it to fall out,
I'm sorry for fixing it.
13
00:00:57,407 --> 00:01:00,535
No, you can fix it.
14
00:01:00,577 --> 00:01:02,977
PROFESSOR:
John Adams may not
have had Morticia and Thing,
15
00:01:03,012 --> 00:01:05,480
but his economic policy
was just as scary.
16
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:09,280
Wow, you're a really
good hairdresser.
17
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,650
LUANNE:
Thank you.
18
00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:13,713
I used to want to be one.
19
00:01:13,757 --> 00:01:15,156
(students coughing)
20
00:01:15,191 --> 00:01:16,590
PROFESSOR
Uh, Ms. Platter,
21
00:01:16,626 --> 00:01:19,186
you in my class to learn
history, or, uh, do hair?
22
00:01:21,297 --> 00:01:22,525
Hair!!
23
00:01:24,267 --> 00:01:27,703
The mashed potatoes
aren't as buttery as usual, Mom.
24
00:01:27,737 --> 00:01:29,227
Did we go poor?
25
00:01:29,272 --> 00:01:32,537
I learned something really
important at college today!
26
00:01:32,575 --> 00:01:34,907
I don't want to be there!
27
00:01:34,944 --> 00:01:36,241
What?!
Yeah.
28
00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:37,246
I quit!
29
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,804
I'm gonna do hair.
30
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,213
Well, you can't do that.
31
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,480
There are bigger things
in life than hair.
32
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,977
You have to stay in college
and develop your mind.
33
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,319
Well, I don't know, Peggy.
34
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,655
She's been at that
college for 2h years,
35
00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:51,421
and it's a
two-year college.
36
00:01:51,461 --> 00:01:54,259
Seems like they had a whack
at her and nothing took.
37
00:01:54,297 --> 00:01:56,527
It's true. Nothing did!
38
00:01:56,566 --> 00:01:59,160
You know, cutting hair
might be good for her.
39
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,363
My barber Jack always says,
40
00:02:01,404 --> 00:02:04,168
"Hair grows even
during a recession."
41
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,869
Well, that may be true
for licensed barbers.
42
00:02:06,910 --> 00:02:08,537
But may I remind you both
43
00:02:08,578 --> 00:02:10,546
that Luanne Platter,
hairstylist,
44
00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:12,548
failed her cosmetology test.
45
00:02:12,582 --> 00:02:16,450
Luanne Platter, history student,
would have known that.
46
00:02:19,622 --> 00:02:21,783
Maybe Luanne Platter,
dinner guest,
47
00:02:21,825 --> 00:02:23,588
could send the butter this way?
48
00:02:23,626 --> 00:02:26,026
Buck Strickland
never went to college
49
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,893
and he runs four businesses
50
00:02:27,931 --> 00:02:29,831
and never writes anything down.
51
00:02:29,866 --> 00:02:32,460
Yeah, college
wasn't for me.
52
00:02:32,502 --> 00:02:34,629
They made that very clear.
53
00:02:34,671 --> 00:02:37,299
Everyone's always
talking about college,
54
00:02:37,340 --> 00:02:40,241
but have any of you
ever actually seen one?
55
00:02:40,276 --> 00:02:43,939
Maybe Luanne should do what
I did and join the Army.
56
00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:45,106
No, that won't work.
57
00:02:45,148 --> 00:02:47,139
Luanne thinks
the Army is mean.
58
00:02:47,183 --> 00:02:48,582
She just wants to cut hair,
59
00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:50,449
but she flunked out
of beauty school
60
00:02:50,486 --> 00:02:51,748
and never got licensed.
61
00:02:51,788 --> 00:02:53,881
Well, if all she needs
is to pass her test,
62
00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:55,220
I can help her with that.
63
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,726
I had to pass it
to become an Army barber.
64
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:58,852
All right, Bill!
65
00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:01,455
Just don't scream
orders at her, though.
66
00:03:01,497 --> 00:03:02,623
She cries.
67
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:10,462
Luanne, I can tell
you're nervous.
68
00:03:10,506 --> 00:03:11,996
If there's one thing
I've learned
69
00:03:12,041 --> 00:03:14,737
in my 20 years
of barbering, it's this...
70
00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:17,473
(slow and deliberate):
It will grow back.
71
00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:21,779
If you did a great job or
a bad job, it will grow back.
72
00:03:21,818 --> 00:03:25,151
Gosh. You sure know a lot
about cutting hair.
73
00:03:25,188 --> 00:03:28,214
Yeah, well, I've
been around a bit.
74
00:03:28,258 --> 00:03:30,453
I remember
when I was your age,
75
00:03:30,493 --> 00:03:32,791
life was so full
of possibilities.
76
00:03:32,829 --> 00:03:36,287
Bruce Jenner's hair had fired
the imagination of a nation.
77
00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:38,197
(sighing):
Oh...
78
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:39,462
glory days.
79
00:03:39,502 --> 00:03:40,662
Mr. Dauterive,
80
00:03:40,703 --> 00:03:43,103
after I pass
my State Board exam,
81
00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:47,473
maybe I can live the dreams
that you're too old to live.
82
00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:49,535
You can!
83
00:04:02,125 --> 00:04:04,593
It will grow back.
84
00:04:20,576 --> 00:04:22,043
Well, look at her,
85
00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:23,670
getting ready for a career.
86
00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:25,442
Next thing, she'll
be complaining
87
00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:27,346
about how high her taxes are.
88
00:04:29,585 --> 00:04:31,553
Luanne, honey,
getting certified
89
00:04:31,587 --> 00:04:33,555
as a stylist
was the easy part.
90
00:04:33,589 --> 00:04:35,819
Now you have to
prepare yourself
91
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,224
for the constant
rejection of the job hunt.
92
00:04:38,261 --> 00:04:39,660
WOMAN:
You're a stylist?
93
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,027
I'm Colette Davis.
94
00:04:41,064 --> 00:04:41,996
I own Hottyz.
95
00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:45,057
That's right,
the one with the Z.
96
00:04:45,101 --> 00:04:46,329
(gasps)
97
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,234
You brought the messy ponytail
to Arlen!
98
00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:51,900
And then two weeks later,
you trashed it as uncool!
99
00:04:51,941 --> 00:04:54,000
Guilty.
100
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,511
You know, I think
you have the "Hottyz vibe."
101
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:57,808
And I know vibe.
102
00:04:57,847 --> 00:05:00,145
The Arlen Advocate says
I invented it.
103
00:05:00,183 --> 00:05:02,344
Chair rental is 1,400 bucks.
104
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,353
Oh, and FYI...
105
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,823
Vibe, vibe, no vibe,
106
00:05:07,857 --> 00:05:10,382
mmm, crazy vibe.
107
00:05:11,427 --> 00:05:14,294
Wow! You were wrong,
Aunt Peggy.
108
00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:16,560
Finding a job was easy!
109
00:05:16,599 --> 00:05:18,931
Oh, yeah? What about
the chair rental?
110
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,799
How are you going
to pay for it?
111
00:05:20,837 --> 00:05:22,896
BILL: I can give you
some money, Luanne.
112
00:05:22,939 --> 00:05:27,399
I was just going to use it on,
well, you know... the Internet.
113
00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:30,241
Well, I couldn't take
your money, Mr. Dauterive.
114
00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:31,473
Huh!
115
00:05:31,514 --> 00:05:33,607
Oh, but maybe we
could share the chair!
116
00:05:33,649 --> 00:05:36,880
No. I'm just an old
Army barber, Luanne.
117
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,786
I packed that life away
with my Dolphin shorts.
118
00:05:39,822 --> 00:05:42,620
Mr. Dauterive, if you
don't take a chance,
119
00:05:42,658 --> 00:05:45,388
you'll end up miserable
like Mr. Dauterive.
120
00:05:46,529 --> 00:05:49,589
I mean... just
someone else.
121
00:05:49,632 --> 00:05:53,068
Look out, Hottyz, here I come!
122
00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:55,070
We're Hottyz! Whoo!
123
00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,799
Oh, for God's sakes, Hank.
124
00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:58,397
She'll be fine.
125
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,376
Scrunchies for everyone!
126
00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:08,381
It's gonna be so cool
when we get to Hottyz,
127
00:06:08,418 --> 00:06:10,909
and they say, "Do you
have an appointment?"
128
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:13,319
And we say,
"No, we work here,"
129
00:06:13,356 --> 00:06:14,914
and they say,
"No you don't."
130
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,016
And we say, "Nuh-uh, we do!"
131
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,722
And then we make up and
give them a great haircut!
132
00:06:19,762 --> 00:06:21,423
Last night,
I dreamed about hair!
133
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,295
But it was a good
dream this time,
134
00:06:23,332 --> 00:06:25,926
not the one where it forms
a noose and hangs me.
135
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,936
(giggling)
136
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,801
I'm so excited!
137
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:33,167
Hi!
138
00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:35,006
I cut hair, too!
139
00:06:35,044 --> 00:06:37,706
Isn't it so much fun?!
140
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,474
(clattering)
141
00:06:52,695 --> 00:06:54,754
'Sup. You the new cutter?
142
00:06:54,797 --> 00:06:56,196
We both are.
143
00:06:56,232 --> 00:06:57,893
We're cutters!
144
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,231
(laughing)
145
00:06:59,268 --> 00:07:00,394
We're cutters.
146
00:07:00,436 --> 00:07:01,368
Whatever.
147
00:07:01,404 --> 00:07:02,632
Here are your uniforms.
148
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,739
I'm never gonna take this off.
149
00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:11,269
I don't know if I could.
150
00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:15,210
Shh. Your hair is
trying to tell me
151
00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:18,152
all the nasty things it
wants me to do to it.
152
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,415
That's Rico.
153
00:07:19,455 --> 00:07:21,650
He's flaming hot
and flaming gay.
154
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,591
He's vibe squared.
155
00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:26,993
Hey, why is your client
wearing a Hottyz T-shirt?
156
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,496
Oh, Mr. Dauterive?
157
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,158
He's not my client.
158
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:32,258
I couldn't afford
the chair on my own
159
00:07:32,301 --> 00:07:33,598
so we're sharing it.
160
00:07:33,636 --> 00:07:35,866
He taught me everything I know.
161
00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:41,432
Oh. Oh. No, no,
this is not going to work.
162
00:07:41,477 --> 00:07:42,603
Good-bye.
163
00:07:42,645 --> 00:07:45,512
But we already paid
a week's rent.
164
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,039
And I dropped out
of school for this.
165
00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:49,676
Fine.
166
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,586
You can stay the week.
But you're last chair.
167
00:07:52,622 --> 00:07:54,249
Audrey. Congrats.
168
00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:56,417
Grab your ferret
and your Jane magazines.
169
00:07:56,459 --> 00:07:58,051
You're chair four.
170
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,460
Rico, I have closing
arguments in an hour
171
00:08:03,499 --> 00:08:05,330
and I need to look
jury friendly.
172
00:08:05,368 --> 00:08:06,995
Sorry, sweetie,
I'm all booked up.
173
00:08:07,036 --> 00:08:08,298
If you're real desperate,
174
00:08:08,337 --> 00:08:09,998
you might try the new
cutters in the back.
175
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,908
I'm in a rush.
And I need to look...
176
00:08:15,945 --> 00:08:17,139
Oh, my gosh!
177
00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:19,045
You're are my first
ever client.
178
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,708
Now don't be nervous.
179
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:24,948
If I screw up,
it'll grow back.
180
00:08:24,987 --> 00:08:28,718
Let's get you shampooed.
181
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,386
Hyah!
(groans)
182
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:33,952
LUANNE:
Mr. Dauterive got kickedright in his...
183
00:08:33,996 --> 00:08:37,557
Well, I didn't see
where her foot went,
184
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,727
but she said, "Bull's-eye!"
185
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,168
That's the real world for you.
186
00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:43,502
Mr. Dauterive getting
kicked in the groin.
187
00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:45,632
Don't you wish
you'd stayed in college?
188
00:08:45,675 --> 00:08:46,937
(sighs)
189
00:08:46,976 --> 00:08:48,671
Luanne, I'll give
you a little tip.
190
00:08:48,711 --> 00:08:50,303
If you want to succeed,
191
00:08:50,346 --> 00:08:53,747
identify the most
successful person at work
192
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,808
and do what they do.
193
00:08:55,851 --> 00:08:57,546
We'll do it.
194
00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:02,554
Hello, Luscious.
195
00:09:04,026 --> 00:09:05,323
What kind of love
are we making
196
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:06,453
with your hair today?
197
00:09:06,495 --> 00:09:09,521
Rico is so successful.
198
00:09:09,565 --> 00:09:12,261
We have to do
what he does.
199
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:15,202
Did one of you breeders
take my flat brush?
200
00:09:15,238 --> 00:09:17,263
Rico, I heard you
with your client.
201
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,797
You were very sexy.
202
00:09:19,842 --> 00:09:21,207
Yes, I know.
203
00:09:21,244 --> 00:09:23,405
People want to leave here
feeling hot and sexy
204
00:09:23,446 --> 00:09:24,845
and if you can't
give it to them,
205
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,678
you may as well be
barbering down at Jack's.
206
00:09:27,717 --> 00:09:29,617
Please stand away
from the mirror.
207
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,552
I like to watch myself
while I cut.
208
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,218
He does have vibe.
209
00:09:35,258 --> 00:09:37,021
Mm-hmm.
210
00:09:39,095 --> 00:09:42,360
How would you like
your hair cut today?
211
00:09:46,802 --> 00:09:49,600
Dear Lord, I don't want
to go back to college,
212
00:09:49,639 --> 00:09:51,834
so please help me be sexy.
213
00:09:51,874 --> 00:09:53,102
Amen.
214
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,878
Your hair is so sexy.
215
00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:03,510
It reminds me of... sex.
216
00:10:03,552 --> 00:10:05,486
Sorry, I'm late,
everybody!
217
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,684
My Pilates class ran long.
218
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,420
I'm here for Rico.
219
00:10:14,463 --> 00:10:17,023
Well, B-Do can help you now.
220
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:21,065
Psst. Are you
homosexual?
221
00:10:21,103 --> 00:10:22,570
I'm just trying to
act more like Rico.
222
00:10:22,605 --> 00:10:24,072
Huh. Me, too.
223
00:10:24,106 --> 00:10:26,574
If I accidentally
start acting not sexy,
224
00:10:26,609 --> 00:10:27,701
give me a sign.
225
00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:29,404
Go like this.
226
00:10:29,445 --> 00:10:33,677
Okay. And give me the sign
if I start acting not gay.
227
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:38,676
You sizzle with a capital "S,"
capital "izzle."
228
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,245
(giggles)
229
00:10:40,289 --> 00:10:42,484
My boyfriend's taking me
to Lake Arlen
230
00:10:42,525 --> 00:10:45,221
for dinner and dancing
and then we...
231
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:47,456
(gasps):
Tell me about
your boyfriend.
232
00:10:47,496 --> 00:10:48,554
Is he cute?
233
00:10:48,597 --> 00:10:50,690
Does he have
muscular thighs?
234
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,098
Thieving slut.
235
00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:54,500
I bet he's the one who stole
my Yoplait from the fridge.
236
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:56,801
(dance music plays)
237
00:10:56,839 --> 00:11:00,673
♪♪ I will love you ♪♪
238
00:11:06,015 --> 00:11:08,074
♪♪ Those days ♪♪
239
00:11:08,117 --> 00:11:12,611
♪♪ Of warm rain
come rushing back to me ♪♪
240
00:11:12,655 --> 00:11:16,147
♪♪ Miles of windless ♪♪
241
00:11:16,192 --> 00:11:19,127
♪♪ Summer nights ♪♪
242
00:11:19,161 --> 00:11:20,321
♪♪ Summer nights ♪♪
243
00:11:20,363 --> 00:11:23,992
♪♪ Secret moments shared... ♪♪
244
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,235
To Luanne and B-Do,
245
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:30,238
the hottest
haircutting team in town.
246
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,331
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
247
00:11:32,375 --> 00:11:33,933
Okay, girls,
248
00:11:33,976 --> 00:11:35,102
the next round's on me.
249
00:11:35,144 --> 00:11:37,339
I can't cut hair
without a hangover.
250
00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:40,645
I could go for a beer...
251
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:42,742
Or, uh, a Pink Squirrel.
252
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,345
Yeah, I like my drinks
the same as my men...
253
00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:48,289
strong and sweet
and under an umbrella.
254
00:11:48,324 --> 00:11:52,784
DJ:
Hey, we've got some hotties
in the bar from Hottyz tonight.
255
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,318
This one's for them.
256
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,331
(cheering)
257
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:57,627
Come on, B-Do.
258
00:11:57,666 --> 00:11:59,065
Back that thang up.
259
00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:00,261
Show me the dance
260
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,270
that got you kicked off
Fire Island, honey.
261
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:03,828
Try and stop me.
262
00:12:03,873 --> 00:12:06,341
(pulsating dance music plays)
263
00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:08,639
Ooh! Ah!
264
00:12:08,677 --> 00:12:11,612
Boy, if I weren't so dang gay...
265
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:14,445
Aw, B-Do, I know it
must be hard for you
266
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:15,814
in a town like this,
267
00:12:15,851 --> 00:12:19,309
with no 24-hour gyms
or TGI Fridays.
268
00:12:19,355 --> 00:12:22,620
Hey, I think that guy's
checking you out.
269
00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:23,920
Oh.
270
00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:37,766
Oh. My first
ten dollar tip.
271
00:12:37,807 --> 00:12:38,865
Thank you.
272
00:12:38,908 --> 00:12:42,207
Okay, now meow
like a kitty.
273
00:12:42,244 --> 00:12:44,144
Meow?
274
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,148
B-Do will not bite.
275
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,911
I am gay.
276
00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:49,212
Luanne, B-Do,
277
00:12:49,251 --> 00:12:51,845
I am moving you
to second chair.
278
00:12:51,887 --> 00:12:52,876
Congrats.
279
00:12:52,922 --> 00:12:55,117
Second chair?!
(gasps)
280
00:12:55,157 --> 00:12:57,250
That's almost as good
as first chair.
281
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:01,453
Hello.
282
00:13:01,497 --> 00:13:04,466
Which hair gel do you
suggest for my hair type?
283
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,661
Virgin or Dirty Girl?
284
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,397
Bobby. Truck.
285
00:13:08,437 --> 00:13:10,997
Uncle Hank,
this is so great.
286
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,406
I'm succeeding
in the real world,
287
00:13:13,442 --> 00:13:15,603
one up-do at a time.
288
00:13:15,644 --> 00:13:17,976
Well, that's good
to hear, I guess...
289
00:13:18,013 --> 00:13:20,038
I figured I'd come
to support you.
290
00:13:20,082 --> 00:13:21,549
You want a haircut?
291
00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:25,145
Uh, no, I just came
to support you.
292
00:13:25,187 --> 00:13:26,711
Good job.
293
00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:27,915
Bill?
294
00:13:27,957 --> 00:13:29,117
Hank?!
295
00:13:29,158 --> 00:13:30,250
Bill?!
296
00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:31,350
Hey, Hank.
297
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:32,758
I can't talk now.
Little busy.
298
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:33,784
See you at home.
299
00:13:33,829 --> 00:13:35,797
What happened to you?
What?
300
00:13:35,831 --> 00:13:37,765
You mean last night?
301
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,097
You don't own me.
302
00:13:39,134 --> 00:13:40,965
Does your wife know you're here?
303
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:43,597
Well, no.
I'm on my lunch break.
304
00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,903
(cries): I can't keep
living like this, Hank!
305
00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:48,102
You've got a wife
and a family at home
306
00:13:48,143 --> 00:13:49,633
and I've got nothing.
307
00:13:49,678 --> 00:13:51,339
(cries)
308
00:13:53,182 --> 00:13:56,208
I just don't understand
why everybody
309
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,244
is going to that nut house,
Hottyz, instead of here.
310
00:13:59,288 --> 00:14:01,222
Are you sure your
pole is working?
311
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,088
Hottyz is
the future, Hank.
312
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:04,592
Who wants a haircut from Jack,
313
00:14:04,627 --> 00:14:06,788
when some pretty girl
with all her teeth can do it?
314
00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,524
Yeah, but they're going
to Bill, too,
315
00:14:08,564 --> 00:14:09,826
and he's acting like...
316
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:10,923
Hold your head still
317
00:14:10,966 --> 00:14:12,797
unless you want me
to cut that ear off.
318
00:14:12,835 --> 00:14:15,201
Pirate?
319
00:14:15,237 --> 00:14:17,228
Gondola operator?
320
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,570
Waiter?
321
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,131
Pirate waiter!
322
00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:22,905
(sighs):
He's supposed to be gay, Dale.
323
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,173
Really?
324
00:14:24,213 --> 00:14:25,510
I don't see it.
325
00:14:25,548 --> 00:14:27,573
I don't know why people
are always saying
326
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:28,981
how hard it is to be gay.
327
00:14:29,018 --> 00:14:30,280
It's wonderful, really.
328
00:14:30,319 --> 00:14:31,843
You're not gay.
329
00:14:31,887 --> 00:14:33,184
They don't know that.
330
00:14:33,222 --> 00:14:35,156
Women who are normally
repulsed by me
331
00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:36,953
are letting me brush their hair,
332
00:14:36,992 --> 00:14:40,291
massage their shoulders,
compliment their bottoms.
333
00:14:40,329 --> 00:14:42,854
Hank, you know who else
went to college?
334
00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:44,195
Hey, Peggy.
335
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:45,393
Let's go invite your hair
336
00:14:45,434 --> 00:14:47,231
to that party the rest
of you is throwing.
337
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:52,201
(laughs):
Oh, Bill. Oh...
338
00:14:53,609 --> 00:14:56,169
Check me out
in first chair at Hottyz!
339
00:14:56,211 --> 00:14:58,441
I wanted to invite you guys
to a party tonight.
340
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,040
Rumor is, the chick
they kicked off American Idol
341
00:15:01,083 --> 00:15:03,176
is going to be cage-dancing.
(chuckles)
342
00:15:03,218 --> 00:15:05,379
(all giggling and squealing)
343
00:15:06,455 --> 00:15:07,649
B-Do, Scott dumped me,
344
00:15:07,690 --> 00:15:09,783
and I need him to see
what he's missing!
345
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:11,190
Oh, honey,
346
00:15:11,226 --> 00:15:13,990
I swear on a stack of gladiators
I will take care of you.
347
00:15:14,029 --> 00:15:16,395
Hey! First chair!
348
00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:18,730
I don't want to get hair
on my blouse.
349
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,598
(whimpers)
350
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,867
(whimpers)
351
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:26,204
(sighs):
Oh...
352
00:15:26,241 --> 00:15:27,970
(stammering)
353
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,443
Did you say something?
354
00:15:29,478 --> 00:15:31,912
I saw your bosom move
like you said something.
355
00:15:31,947 --> 00:15:35,075
Kutt mistress said
you got dumped by your guy, too.
356
00:15:35,117 --> 00:15:37,210
(whimpering)
I know.
357
00:15:37,252 --> 00:15:41,018
I do astrology,
and I can tell we're
kindred souls, B-Do.
358
00:15:41,056 --> 00:15:42,683
(whimpering)
359
00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:44,352
We're too much for our men.
360
00:15:44,393 --> 00:15:46,691
Oh, your aura's so warm.
361
00:15:46,729 --> 00:15:49,357
It's a shame you're gay.
362
00:15:49,398 --> 00:15:50,865
(long sigh)
363
00:15:50,899 --> 00:15:52,059
(Bill whimpers)
364
00:15:53,969 --> 00:15:55,937
I'm not gay!
365
00:15:59,108 --> 00:16:00,234
No! I'm not gay!
366
00:16:00,275 --> 00:16:02,004
We can be together,
you and me...
367
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,205
our-our kindred souls!
368
00:16:04,246 --> 00:16:06,214
You're not gay?
Uh-uh. Hundred percent
369
00:16:06,248 --> 00:16:07,272
into ladies.
370
00:16:07,316 --> 00:16:09,375
Who wants a hug?
L-I do!
371
00:16:09,418 --> 00:16:11,443
Ew! You're disgusting!
372
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:12,715
(women gasping)
You liar!
373
00:16:12,755 --> 00:16:15,417
I shared a Coke
with him!
374
00:16:15,457 --> 00:16:17,425
I let him swim
in my pool!
375
00:16:17,459 --> 00:16:18,949
Yeah, but... oh.
376
00:16:18,994 --> 00:16:21,758
It's all right.
A real gay man's here.
377
00:16:31,373 --> 00:16:32,897
Well, I take it back!
I am gay!
378
00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:33,965
Oh, you are?
379
00:16:35,310 --> 00:16:36,868
Bi?
380
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,880
When you were gay,
you were intriguing,
381
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,142
with an artistic bent,
382
00:16:40,182 --> 00:16:41,979
but now that
you're straight,
383
00:16:42,017 --> 00:16:44,485
you're just...
a sleazy barber.
384
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,853
Pack up and go back
to that beer commercial
that you came from.
385
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:49,790
But we're first chair!
386
00:16:49,825 --> 00:16:51,417
Luanne, honey,
you're fabulous.
387
00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:53,724
I mean, you've got great abs
and vibe to spare.
388
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,059
I mean, if it was just you,
389
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,928
I would hire you back
in a second.
390
00:16:56,965 --> 00:16:59,695
But since you and that
are a team,
391
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:01,498
I got to let both
of you go.
392
00:17:01,537 --> 00:17:02,970
But I belong here.
393
00:17:03,005 --> 00:17:04,870
I already failed
out of college.
394
00:17:04,907 --> 00:17:07,603
I cannot fail out
of the real world.
395
00:17:07,643 --> 00:17:10,635
There are no other
worlds for me to go to.
396
00:17:10,679 --> 00:17:12,977
We'll be all right, Luanne.
397
00:17:14,049 --> 00:17:16,074
Mr. Dauterive...
398
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,450
Wow, this is really tough.
399
00:17:19,588 --> 00:17:21,283
You're fired.
400
00:17:21,323 --> 00:17:23,188
No, but we're a team.
401
00:17:23,225 --> 00:17:24,283
Sorry, B-Do...
402
00:17:24,326 --> 00:17:26,226
if that is your real name...
403
00:17:26,261 --> 00:17:27,728
the shirt stays here.
404
00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:32,192
(groaning quietly)
405
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:33,394
(grunts)
406
00:17:39,842 --> 00:17:41,776
Why can't I be gay?
407
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:46,270
I had it all...
women, money, fancy clothes!
408
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:49,682
Bill, I don't think
you were right for that salon.
409
00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:52,243
Everyone said the same
thing, only meaner.
410
00:17:53,422 --> 00:17:56,289
Right after I bought
$700 worth of shoes.
411
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,953
Well, didn't Luanne
stand up for you?
412
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,723
No. She threw my cottage cheese
413
00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:02,663
from the mini-fridge
in the street.
414
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:05,030
What?! That is not right!
415
00:18:07,236 --> 00:18:11,639
So, uh, are you ever
gonna put on a shirt?
416
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:13,368
So you used Bill up
417
00:18:13,408 --> 00:18:14,636
and you cast him aside.
418
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,667
Do you have any idea
how hurtful that is
419
00:18:16,712 --> 00:18:18,236
every time it happens to him?
420
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,009
I was just doing
what you told me
421
00:18:20,048 --> 00:18:22,278
and following the most
successful person.
422
00:18:22,317 --> 00:18:24,547
Now, that's Rico,
and he said,
423
00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:27,885
"Sexy talks; bald
and straight walks."
424
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:30,414
I never told you
to turn on your friends.
425
00:18:30,459 --> 00:18:32,427
Maybe your Aunt Peggy
was right.
426
00:18:32,461 --> 00:18:34,019
You need to go back to college
427
00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:37,054
and take some courses
in being a decent person.
428
00:18:50,445 --> 00:18:54,643
Kutt mistress, could
you stop spinning for a second?
429
00:18:54,683 --> 00:18:57,584
Mr. Dauterive is
a great hair stylist.
430
00:18:57,619 --> 00:18:58,779
Don't you see?
431
00:18:58,821 --> 00:19:01,585
Mr. Dauterive can't help
that he's straight.
432
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:03,113
It's just the way
he was born.
433
00:19:03,158 --> 00:19:05,388
It's in his DNAs!
434
00:19:06,762 --> 00:19:09,697
Now, hair does not know gay
from straight.
435
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,097
It just wants to be loved.
436
00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:14,398
Shouldn't we all
be more like hair?
437
00:19:15,804 --> 00:19:17,863
I know I wish I had
been more like hair
438
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:20,136
to my friend,
Mr. Dauterive.
439
00:19:23,478 --> 00:19:25,378
Very touching.
440
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,676
You're both fired.
441
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,718
It's great to stop pretending
I'm someone else
442
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:37,452
so I can go back
to pretending I'm me again.
443
00:19:37,492 --> 00:19:39,960
I'm just gonna really
miss cutting hair.
444
00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,986
It was so great
to be able to moonlight
445
00:19:42,030 --> 00:19:44,191
and have an outlet
for my creative jones.
446
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:47,396
Jack must be the luckiest man
in the world.
447
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:50,735
He's doing what he loves and doesn't
have to worry about anything but hair.
448
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,000
(angry grunt)
449
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,201
JACK:
I'm gonna torch
this place.
450
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:58,470
Well, maybe I can
help you all out.
451
00:20:03,819 --> 00:20:04,945
JACK:
Hey there, Hank.
452
00:20:04,987 --> 00:20:06,147
Want another haircut?
453
00:20:06,188 --> 00:20:07,485
You can pay me in food.
454
00:20:07,522 --> 00:20:09,149
I'll shave you for a sandwich.
455
00:20:09,191 --> 00:20:11,182
What if I gave you
something better?
456
00:20:11,226 --> 00:20:13,694
My niece Luanne here
is a great hair cutter,
457
00:20:13,729 --> 00:20:15,959
and you'd be lucky
to have her services.
458
00:20:15,998 --> 00:20:19,161
Aren't you the first chair
from Hottyz?
459
00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:21,362
I was. W-We were.
460
00:20:21,403 --> 00:20:23,337
Uh, Mr. Dauterive and me.
461
00:20:23,372 --> 00:20:26,569
All right!
I stole Hottyz first chair away!
462
00:20:26,608 --> 00:20:30,066
And so the scales begin
to tip for Jack.
463
00:20:30,112 --> 00:20:33,707
Hmm, maybe I'll start paying
back the muscular dystrophy jar.
464
00:20:33,749 --> 00:20:36,513
(giggling and singing)
465
00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:48,387
You and Bill really turned
things around here, Luanne.
466
00:20:48,430 --> 00:20:50,455
Why don't you save the money
you're making now
467
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,727
and move back in with us?
468
00:20:51,767 --> 00:20:53,792
(gasps):
You mean it?
469
00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:56,599
You don't think I need
to go back to college?
470
00:20:56,638 --> 00:20:59,471
No, I think you're
right where you should be.
471
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,306
My God, you made me
look hot, huh?!
472
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,539
And if your dad asks,
473
00:21:04,579 --> 00:21:07,912
just tell him
it will grow back.
474
00:21:11,653 --> 00:21:17,113
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