Original subtitles

Ripped By mstoll

HANK: To Travis.

May you have as many sick days in retirement as you had

in your 40 years working at Strickland Propane.

Which is three.

Speech! Speech!

Yeah, come on ol' boy. Go ahead.

(cheering)

Well, it's funny.

This was just supposed to be a two-week gig

until I got my pilot's license.

But I guess, like so many other dreams,

time has a way of slipping through your fingers and...

(sighing)

Cake?

PEGGY: Mmm, this is delicious.

Travis didn't want to take this home?

No, he's a diabetic.

The cake was just for ceremony.

Hmm, diabetic, huh.

Well, Travis does not know what he's missing.

Yep, the new guy starts Monday and I'm kinda nervous for him.

It can't be easy coming in as a rookie

to a championship team.

Now, that's true.

13 years later, Lady Bird still has it out for Bobby.

What?!

(fakes a cough)

Well, who wants coffee?

So the thing about working here is,

we treat all our customers

like they're purchasing a Vogner Imperiale,

even if they can only afford the Citizen.

Oh, and even though the display food is plastic

we still like you to wash your hands before handling it.

Wow, this sure is a world away from Taco Bueno.

You've got 40 years.

You'll get the swing of it.

Well, I'll let you hit the books there, "rookie."

(whistling)

Whistling was Travis's thing.

Oh. Sorry.

That's okay, Rich.

You had no way of knowing that.

Thanks for the coupon to the Olive Garden, Hank.

The Tour of Italy was delicious.

Hey, Rich, why don't you pull up a chair?

That's okay.

You gota full table.

I'll just eat in my car.

Nonsense. We'll make room.

Oh, yeah. Squeeze in.

We were just talking about the Olive Garden, Rich.

Oh, I love that place.

They got a couple of waitresses

I wouldn't kick out of bed for eating lasagna,

if you get what I'm saying.

(nervous laugh) (nervous laugh)

Uh, Rich, could you give me a hand

unloading those meat thermometers out back?

Sure.

So, where do you want me?

There are no meat thermometers out here, Rich.

I just made that up to save you the embarrassment.

I think you might've learned some bad habits at Taco Bueno.

Oh, yeah?

That comment about the, uh...

the lasagna.

Well, here at Strickland,

we try not to say things that are not funny

and also disgusting.

Oh, I crossed the line.

I'm sorry.

It was just off the cuff.

I thought Donna laughed.

Well, she was being polite.

That's why we keep her at the front desk.

Uh, I didn't think she was just being...

You know what? Doesn't matter.

Rules are rules.

Attaboy, Rich.

You'll do just fine.

(chuckling)

"Eating lasagna in bed."

Hey, Rich...

you get those meat thermometers put away?

Uh, yeah, except for the one I got right here.

You stole a meat therm... Oh!

(both laughing)

Hey, can you toss me that back brace?

I got some heavy lifting to do here.

Me, too.

Where's the urinal?

(all laugh)

That was Moretti's Grill.

They're having problems with the burners again.

I need an eight-inch L-pipe.

That's what she said.

(laughing)

Oh, did their hostess call, too?

(giggling)

Uh, yeah.

Huh... oh, here's one.

Well, I should be back by 3:00.

I hope the threading's not stripped.

I mean, if I have to do it manually,

I'll be down there for hours.

That's what she said... Right?

Yes, Enrique.

That is exactly what she said.

(laughing)

(reluctant laughter)

Yeah, uh,

I don't know why I'm laughing.

Sounds like I'm gonna be

down there all night.

It was really weird.

I showed up at Moretti's Grill to do some work

and the hostess didn't even know I was coming.

Hostesses can be very flighty.

That's why they only let them carry menus.

Yeah, but before I left the office,

the new guy made it sound

like she was on top of everything.

Heck, even as I was heading out the door,

I just mentioned that I hoped my cordless drill

had enough juice for the job,

and Rich said, "That's what she said,"

and then everybody high-fived and... oh...

Oh, no. It was an "intimate"joke!

God, Joe Jack was laughing,

and Donna was laughing.

I've never seen them laugh so hard.

Yes, people do love the off-color jokes.

You would not believe how many times the kids ask me

how to say poo-poo in Spanish.

Ugh.

It's la tierra de la trasero.

The literal translation is "earth of the butt."

I made it up but the kids seem to like it.

And how!

Yep.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

It's official.

I've quit smoking.

I'm off the junk.

Well, good for you, Dale.

What brought this on?

Oh, Nancy's been naggin' me

ever since our bed caught fire.

I went a little heavy on the aftershave,

lit one up, and kaboom.

Check out my eyebrows.

It's mascara.

BILL: Well, congratulations.

I know how hard it is to quit smoking.

Not with my nifty little miracle cure.

Yes, gentlemen, it crushes the craving

without any of the undesirable side effects.

Chewing tobacco?

That's disgusting.

Will someone please tell me what happened to good manners?

It's like this new guy at work.

He turns every little comment into a vulgarity.

It's awful.

I'll tell you what, man...

it's like the dang old world has become a sewer, man.

Like them shock jocks,

and them rappers, too, man.

Like got ol' Miss Manners' panties in a bunch, man.

You're right.

I can't believe the filth

they're putting on TV these days.

And they just beam it right into my home.

I hit the Pay-Per-View button and there it is,

right in front of me!

Well, that's life in the 21st century for you.

We just have to learn to accept it.

(spits tobacco)

Accept it, Bill.

Well, crudeness might be "cool" everywhere else,

but I won't accept it in my home,

and I certainly won't accept it in my home away from home.

From now on at Strickland Propane,

"she" is going to say nothing.

That's what I said!

Hey, someone tickle me.

I want to make this stuff come out my nose.

Hey, Donna, listen to the new nickname

that Rich thought up for Enrique.

You mean, Enri-GAY!

(all laugh)

Man, you could be on Mad TV.

Yeah, but then I couldn't hang out

here with you and Joe Jack.

Or should I say "Low Crack?"

Pull up your pants

before I drop a quarter in there

and make a phone call.

(laughing)

Hey, what's the matter, Low Crack?

Can't you take a joke?

I can take it.

That's what she said! That's what she said.

(laughing): Oh, man!

Okay, someone want to tell me what's so funny here?

Maybe you should ask Enri-Gay!

You'd know better than me, Low Crack!

(all laughing)

No. No. That is not funny.

It's the kind of thing a first-grader would say,

and then he'd get his mouth washed out with soap.

Now, this is a place of work,

so I want this behavior to stop right now.

It's crude, unprofessional, and just plain not funny.

Is there a problem here, Hank?

Nope. We were just having a little discussion

on office decorum.

Nothing I can't handle.

Well, all right, then.

Yall should be well-advised

to do what this man tells you.

He is my proxy when I am in absentia.

Thank you, sir.

I appreciate you getting behind me.

RICH (softly): That's what she said.

(laughing)

"Getting behind me."

(laughing)

Ooo-wee! That's funny! Damn, you quick, boy!

That's what she said... about Joe Jack!

(Strickland howling

Stop! Stop! No! No! No! Don't stop!

That's what she said!

Sir, no!

You're funnier than that comedian

that ruined Monday Night Football.

(all laughing)

Here's my specimen sample, honey.

(Strickland and Rich laughing)

(loud farting)

STRICKLAND: Good Lord, OI' Top!

What you doing in there?!

No, no. That was not me.

(loud farting)

(Strickland laughing)

It's not funny.

And a waste of a perfectly good nine-volt battery.

How do the Chinese let themselves

get talked into making these things?

Hoo! What did do for fun before we had one of these?

(farting)

(farting continues)

Yeah. Quitting smoking

is the best thing I've ever done.

Check this out.

(wheezing)

(coughing)

A couple of days ago, that would have killed me.

Hey, Hank.

Don't you want a beer?

What I want is a professional working environment,

where it's hard work that earns your colleagues' respect,

not the ability to rhyme your name with a body part.

You got that in your cooler, Bill?

If I check, you're going to make fun of me, right?

Was that Hank?

I blacked out there for a second.

HANK: I don't get it.

What is so funny

about putting a prophylactic on my Mag-lite?

Not the Mag-lite I gave you for Christmas?!

Well, needless to say,

it went straight into the garbage.

Dad, I've dealt with a lot of bullies in my day,

and I've learned that the most effective strategy

is to fight fire with fire.

Whoopee cushions? Plastic vomit?

I thought I banned these things from the house.

Dad, now is not the time.

Poo in a can!

Remember that creep Pete Sheldon?

The wet willie guy?

Well, a little dab of this on his chair, and...

let's just say his new nickname is "Peter Pantload."

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm throwing this stuff out.

When you stoop to their level, you're no better than they are.

At least leave me the fake barf.

I've got gym tomorrow!

(all laughing)

All righty!

Ready to hit the links, Ol' Top?

Don't want to keep the clients waiting.

You kidding, sir?

I've been looking forward to it all week.

Oh, yeah.

About that, Hank...

What?! You're taking him?!

He can't handle the Vista Village account.

Tell me the difference between a Positive Placement Pump

and a Vertical Turbine Pump.

Um... I know the placement of my pump.

And, when I see your mama...

That's it!

I'm kicking your ass!

Ooh! Now who's the potty mouth?

Now, get hold of yourself, Hank.

This ain't no fraternity party.

You can't go around hitting people.

Come on, Rich. Let's ske-doot.

Don't worry, boss.

I'll wow these guys.

I worked up this great little bit

with the ball washer.

And I can't wait to see it!

(sighs)

(horn honking)

Hey, you made a lane change without signaling!

Thanks for seeing me, Mrs. Borginnis.

It's Ms. Borginnis, but, yes, I'm married.

And Borginnis is my husband's name.

Uh...

So why don't you tell me your problem?

Well, as you can probably tell from my jacket

and my hat and my shirt,

I sell propane and propane accessories.

Uh-huh. Now, don't get me wrong...

I have the best job in the world...

but this guy Rich has been making a lot of, uh, jokes.

Jokes? What kind of jokes?

Knock-knock? Ding-dong?

What are we talking about?

Uh... jokes that, uh... you know, use vulgarity.

You know, jokes about morning nature functions.

Plus, I can't say the word "meat" without someone giggling.

And, yesterday, someone took my

"Employee of the Month" picture, and drew a beard on it.

But not where you think.

Pervasive pattern of demeaning behavior,

hostile work environment affecting job performance.

Mr. Hill, I believe we have a strong case for a lawsuit

based on male-on-male sexual harassment.

Male-on-male sexual harassment? Ugh! No!

Look, sexual harassment is just an umbrella term

that covers a wide variety of offenses.

Do you validate,

or am I stuck for the 75 cents?

Please, just take this literature.

You know what? I'll pay the 75 cents myself.

(pager beeps)

Oh! Propane emergency.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need to commandeer your phone.

This is Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.

MAN: Yes. I'd like to report a gas leak.

Oh, okay. Just remain calm, and tell me where it is.

It's... in your pants!

(flatulence noises)

Hang up, 01' Top, or he'll know it's us!

(giggling)

Ms. Borginnis,

I'll take that literature.

See? Sexual harassment

is an umbrella term.

It doesn't just cover women, but also men...

and "transgender individuals."

(groans)

Hank, you'll be a trailblazer.

Now, I know it is not fun being the first,

but it may mean you could be the last.

That's a great line for the movie.

Jo Beth Williams will knock it out of the park.

(sighs)

Ass tag!

(gasps)

(employees laughing)

Hey, you're it!

Hey, Enrique,

I didn't know you were married

to a monkey.

What happened to the picture of my wife?

I don't know. Did you check the men's room?

(all laughing)

(forced laugh)

I'm married to a monkey.

(whispering): I got to make this quick, but I love you.

Someone's coming.

Oh, Hank, I was just...

(hushed): Shh, we don't have much time.

I've been watching you.

You don't think any of this Rich stuff

is funny, either, do you?

What do you mean?

I think he...

I hate it. I hate it!

I don't want to come to work.

I have nightmares.

I can't even eat a hot dog anymore.

Well, I think I know how we can stop it.

I talked with this lawyer who thinks we can sue for...

uh, you know, uh, male-on-male sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment?

It's an umbrella term.

You and me suing for sexual harassment?

I'm sorry, Hank.

Hey, Enrique, look who just came out of the closet.

(forced laugh)

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

(sucking)

What you got there?

Oh, Nancy's at it again.

Now she's got some new rule

about spitting on the carpet,

so now I have to stuff my chewing tobacco

into this paper cone and inhale the aroma.

Not...

really...

working.

(sighs)

Boomhauer, you're a genius.

What should we call this new invention?

Well, I guess that's a night.

Back to the potty factory tomorrow.

Did Hank get a new job?

(coughs)

I'm choking!

Need something to drink.

Ass tag time-out.

Hey, I didn't get a time-out when I cut my thumb open.

Come on, guys, have a heart.

Joe Jack's choking. Time out.

Here you go, Joe Jack.

Have a soda.

Nice try.

I think I got a clogged nozzle.

Can you guys take a look?

RICH: This man needs to be serviced.

Would you like to service this man, Enrique?

Uh, no.

Look, I got the extended warranty.

Extended, huh?

To hell with this.

Good morning, sir. Are you being helped?

You're the ones who need help.

(Joe Jack coughing)

(Rich laughing)

(sighs)

That does it.

This is a place of business

and you've turned it into a cesspool.

Lighten up, Mrs. Hill.

We're just having fun.

(all chuckle)

No, you're having fun.

But I'm not.

And I know for a fact that Enrique hates it.

Joe Jack, you've been coughing since I walked in here

because you're too scared to get up and get a drink.

Ha-ha, choking to death is real funny.

Look at us.

Wallowing in our own filthy behavior.

So bent on being crass we can't even trust each other.

Sure, it's done in the name of comedy,

but is debasing ourselves really that hilarious?

Don't you wish we could still say words like "meat"

and "tool" and "unit" without someone turning it

into something foul?

Those are our words.

I say let's take 'em back.

Even if we do agree with you, honey,

Buck thinks it's funny,

and he's the one signing our paychecks.

(all assenting)

Hank, wow, I guess I didn't realize

how bad you felt about this.

But there's something else you don't realize.

You are open.

Ass tag!

(gasps)

How about it?

Let's hear it for the number one Ass-assin!

That does it.

I don't care what Buck or anyone else thinks,

I'm going to do what your mom should have done

a long time ago.

Come on, Hank. Let go.

Mr. Strickland isn't going to like this.

Oh, going to brush your teeth before you kiss me?

Well, still not interested.

No, Rich, you've got a potty mouth

and I'm going to wash it out with soap.

What? No!

Come on, guys. Give me a hand.

Hank, let him go!

What has gotten into you?!

Buck, he attacked me!

Sir, it's true,

but I just couldn't take this garbage anymore.

Either it doesn't belong in the workplace, or I don't.

You heard him, Buck. Fire him.

You all feel the same as Hank?

Even about the fart machine?

Well, hell, I never thought it was funny, neither.

Terrible stuff.

Uh-uh. Vulgar is what it was.

But Buck...

Watch it, Rich,

or I'll turn Hank loose with a toilet scrubber.

(spitting)

HANK: Okay, team, gather round.

I'm going to tell you about the new improvements

on the Vogner 2800 series.

The first thing is that it will smoke your meat.

And it's got a nice big rack for your buns.

Or wieners.

Or wieners. Why not?

Ripped By mstoll