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Thanks, Marcy. Now in some parts ofthe country...

spring arrives with the first tulips or the first robin...

but here in San Francisco, we know it's springtime...

when an anonymous young woman...

performs her ritual rooftop dance to the spring...

naked as the proverbial jaybird.

- Dharma, you gotta see this. - My favorite story ofthe year, Marcy.

Mine too, Ted.

Now let's go to Chopper Dan, our Eye in the Sky.

- Dan, any sign of our goddess of spring? - [ Man ] Notyet, Ted...

butyou can bet I'll be here till I run out offuel.

- [HelicopterOutside ] - Hey, Dharma, check it out. They're in our neighborhood.

Tape iffor me, honey. I'll be right back.

- [HelicopterOverhead] - I celebrate nature's awakening...

from herwinter slumber.

This is my dance to the spring.

Dharma!

[ Ted ] My God. I love this job.

Okay. Now- [ Groans ]

Remember from lastyear...

this looks like outside...

but it isn't outside.

- [Knocking] - It's open.

Oh, Dharma, your elevator is out of order...

and there's... grass in your apartment.

- Long explanation or short? - Short.

- It's spring. - Long.

Uh, every spring I put a lawn in my apartment.

- Longer. - Okay. Well, when I was seven, I had this-

Long enough.

All right, let's see the dress thatyou-

- Thatyou got for the spring ball. - Right there.

Oh. Well, actually, it's rather nice.

- Butyou just had to come over and check anyway, huh? - Well-

You probably thought I was gonna show up in a coconut bra and hula skirt, huh?

Crossed my mind.

Crossed my mind too.

Oh! It's a worm.

Oh, no.

So, did you see me dancing on the news this morning?

Oh, God. It was you.

Yeah. Hey, did you tape it? 'Cause Greg kind offroze up.

No, no. I didn't. Dharma, I-I realize this is a silly question...

butyou will keep that on at the country club, won'tyou?

That's not a silly question.

No, I only dance naked to celebrate theyearly renewal of our mother earth.

Uh-huh. And that's done with now?

Oh, yeah. Nothing left to do now but to make...

hot monkey love toyour son on my living room lawn.

- I am great sport foryou, aren't I? - Yes, you are fun.

So, uh, what doyou do at this spring fling?

Oh, the usual- Cocktails, dining...

and the annual ballroom dance contest.

Soyou just chow down, liquor up...

and just boogie-oogie-oogie till you just can't boogie no more.

As a matter offact, that's what the engraved invitation read.

- I will seeyou there, dear. - Oh, wait a second.

I've never been in a dance contest.

- How do we enter? - You don't.

- Why not? - Because I said so.

Longer.

Well, ballroom dancing, Dharma...

requires discipline and years oftraining.

- It's something you simply haven't been exposed to. - Wait a minute now.

- How hard could it be? - Well, it- No, I don't want to-

- Dharma, don't! - Oh!

Aren'tyou glad Iput grass on myfloor?

Elevator's out again.

Elevator's out again.

Okay.

Dharma, why is there grass in the apartment?

Because it's spring.

Hey, I wanna talk to you about this ballroom dance contest.

- There's grass on the floor. - Yeah. How come we're not gonna enter the contest?

I didn't think it was your kind ofthing.

Dharma, all over the floor in our apartment, there's, uh, grass.

Yeah, I know. I put it there.

Come on, let's enter. It'll be fun.

Oh, Dharma, I've been in this contest before.

It's really competitive. It's not fun at all.

Well, that's just 'cause you've never entered with me.

It's under the sofa.

Don't change the subject. Now, come on. Dance with me.

- What doyou think? - Can I play golf on it?

The contest. Focus.

Oh, sure. Why not?

Oh, good. Thankyou.

[ Humming ]

- Yeah. - Whoa!

God,you're worse thanyourmother.

Okay, first thing I'm gonna teach you is a very basic cha-cha.

Oh, I know cha-cha. I know cha-cha.

One, two, cha, cha, cha.

Boom, chaka-laka-laka. Boom, chaka-laka-laka.

Three, four, cha, cha, cha.

Boom, chaka-laka-laka. Boom, chaka-laka-laka.

Boom, boom, boom, chaka-laka-laka.

Boom, chaka-laka-laka. Boom, chaka-laka-laka.

Are you done?

Boom, boom, boom, chaka-laka-laka.

Okay, now I'm done.

- Dharma, do you want to learn this or not? - Sure.

- Okay, now I'll lead. - When do I lead?

- You never lead. - Well, who made up that rule?

I don't know. Sir Edgar Ballroom.

Now, look. I know we're doing this for fun...

but I don't want to look like a complete idiot out there.

- All right, I'll be serious. - Thankyou.

One, two, cha, cha, cha.

- Serious, cha, cha, cha. - Dharma.

That's my name. Cha, cha, cha.

Don't wear it out. Cha, cha, cha.

- [ Cha-cha ] - One- Cha, cha, cha.

More, cha, cha, cha.

Oh, man.

I feel like a dorky lesbian on a bad first date.

Hey, where's the lawn? I brought grow-lights.

We got rid ofit...

so Dharma could practice for a dance contest.

- Contest? - [ Ends ]

You entered a contest?

- It's no big deal. - I will not calm down.

Larry? No one told you to calm down.

I cannot believe my daughter is gonna compete in some contest.

Larry, calm down.

I will not calm down.

Look. I knowyou don't approve...

but I'm gonna do it anyway, so let's not argue, 'kay?

Dharma, all your life we've taughtyou...

that competition is wrong.

Yeah. When we compete, we don't complete.

Oh, come on.

You guys, it's just a dance contest.

There's no such thing as "just a contest."

Competition is the source of all the evil the world has ever suffered.

What doyou think makes a Mussolini? A Genghis Khan?

Maybe their parents didn't let them compete in a dance contest.

Doyou hearyour daughter?

She's abandoning everything we've ever taught her.

You taught me to question authority, Larry.

I didn't mean me. I meant Nixon!

I can't talk to her, Abby.

What is so wrong with me wanting to win one contest?

Well, I don't understand whyyou would want to.

Come on, Abby.

I have neverwon anything in mywhole life.

Like, remember that recycling fairwhen I was 1 0...

and I made that solar-powered can masher all by myself?

Yeah, and you got a blue ribbon for that.

Everybody got a blue ribbon-

Even that weird kid who ate cellophane and said, "Look, I'm recycling."

Well, that way every child felt proud.

There was nothing to feel proud about, Abby. He ate cellophane.

Look, I started out doing this dance thing for fun...

but now I reallywanna win.

Okay. All right. Ifthat's your decision...

I guess, good luck with the dance contest, sweetie.

Thankyou. Plus I'm going to prove to Kitty I'm not a clod.

- Did she call you a clod? - "Get off me, you big clod." That's what she said.

Jane, turn on the music.

[Cha-cha ]

- Mm-hmm. - God, you're pretty good.

There's a lotyou don't know about me, Dharma.

When I was 1 7, I danced on Ed Sullivan.

- Oh, you're kidding. - Mm-mmm.

He liked it so much he put me on the show.

Wow. Haveyou been practicing?

You don't get to Carnegie Hall by asking directions.

Dharma, we're still doing this for fun, right?

You want fun, eat cellophane. Now let's dance.

[Jazz]

[Man Singing]

[ Continues ]

[ Continues ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Continues ]

[ Crashing]

[Piano ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[Singing Continues ]

[ Continues ]

- [ Ends ] - [ Helicopter Overhead]

[ Cha-cha ]

Hey, Greg Montgomery-

1 984 J unior Division runner-up.

Hi, Cheryl. Sign us up.

- We're gonna win. - We're... just gonna have fun.

He's gonna have fun. I'm gonna kick butt.

Okay. Terrific.

Well, fill this out, and ifyou'd like to practice...

the ballroom's open till 1 0:00.

What the hell are they doing?

Dancing.

What the hell werewe doing?

They're pretty good, huh?

Yeah, but look at them. It's all aboutwinning that stupid little cup.

- They're not having anyfun. - There's a cup?

You never told me about a cup. I want a cup.

Dharma, let it go. We're never gonna beat them.

Wait a minute. I know that guy.

- He dates Kent. - Who's Kent?

Excuse me. Doyou see that couple right there?

They need to be disqualified, 'cause he dates our mailman.

- They're not a real couple. - Dharma-

It doesn't matter ifthey're not a real couple.

Oh, so ifyou have a mother-daughter wheelbarrow race...

I can just grab any set of ankles and run?

And am I the only one who is bothered by how peppy she is?

I thinkwe need to do a drug test.

You know, 'cause I'm thinking steroids or amphetamines-

- You know, the usual suspects. - We don't do that here.

What kind of country club won't run a simple urine test?

Whatya doin'?

Just looking at some old pictures of Dharma.

- Oh. - Remember this one?

From Cesar Chavez's summer camp?

Honey, that wasn't a camp.

Theyjust let us pick grapes with the migrant workers.

Then why did I write my name on my underwear?

I don't know, Larry.

Here's one ofher dancing all alone in this big, empty field.

Honey, that was the US Festival.

- Oh, sure. - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, look howyoung Ozzy Osbourne looks.

And look how happy Dharma was.

She wasn't trying to win some contest.

She was just happy to spin around in circles...

until she threw up all over my sandals.

Larry, did you ever stop to think...

that maybe we should have let herwin something?

What?

She was so good at so many things...

and all she ever heard from us is, "Everybody's equal."

And why does she have to feel superior to someone...

in order to feel good about herself?

I don't know, Lar.

Why have you kept this all these years?

"World's Greatest Dad."

- That's different. - How?

I will not calm down.

[Dharma ] See?See? Ifiwe can do that, we can win.

Dharma, they're on ice skates.

- So? We'll wear roller skates. - You can't wear roller skates.

I'll wear a long dress. Nobodywill know.

Greg, we need a money move, okay?

- What? - You know, a little sizzle.

'Cause face it- We ain't got the steak, baby.

Dharma, we're never gonna be able to pull off something like that.

You never know till you try. Now, come on.

Throw me up in the air, and let's just see what happens.

- No. - Why not?

- Because I loveyou. - Ifyou love me, you'll throw me.

Dharma, this is insane.

- Fine. Thenjust catch me. - Wha-

[Thud]

What, was the sun in your eyes?

[ Cha-cha ]

Look at you. Don't you both look adorable.

Next to them we look like big, fat dog doo.

- Uh, where's Larry? - You know Lar.

He thought this contest would corrupt his daughter...

- so- - Mistake! Mistake!

No, see, we're, uh, doing this for the fun.

P.U. What stinks? Oh, must be your dancing.

Doyou realize, with their little mistake...

-you could actuallywin this thing? - Yeah, I guess we could.

- Don't. - What areyou talking about?

I got 1,000 bucks on Tweety bird and the fancy man.

- You bet against us? - Take a dive. I'll cutyou in.

Dharma, don'tyou look lovely, dear.

- Oh, thankyou. Wow! Kitty, I must say, you look- - Thankyou.

Now, I know this is a bit ofa silly question...

but I understand in your routineyou do...

a lot oftwirling about, and you are wearing, you know-

- Underwear? - Mm-hmm.

That's not a silly question.

And now, our final contestants, Greg...

and "D-harma" Montgomery.

- Honey, that's us. Let's go. - Okay. Stay calm.

- I'm counting on you, Son. - Why don't we go out there and have a good time?

No one gets on the Wheaties box by havin' a good time.

Nobody gets on the Wheaties box by ballroom dancing.

[Jazz]

[Man Singing]

- Think they bought it? - Oh, sure.

I don't think they bought it. We need the money move.

No. No money move. Just do what we rehearsed.

[ Continues ]

What are you doing here?

I'm just watching my daughter dance.

Uh-huh, and I'm a real cop. Come on.

Hey, hey, wait, wait. I wanna see.

Areyou gonna come quietly, or do I have to throwyou in the golf cart?

All right, all right. Upyours, pig!

I'm tellin' ya, Greg, I think we need to do the money move.

- We don't have a money move. - Sure we do.

- We practiced it a thousand times. - We never actually did it.

That's 'cause we never needed to do it.

- Come on, Greg. Think ofthe cup. - No. No, no.

- Ready, Freddie? Here comes Ginger. - No.

Dharma, no!

[ Continues ]

Yeah, that's my boy.

[Ends ]

God. I feel like such a loser.

Don't we get anything? A ribbon?

A certificate of participation? Anything?

No. Those are only for the top 1 2 couples.

Yeah, well, we'll get them nextyear.

No, honey. No, we won't.

Don't feel bad, Greg. It wasn't entirelyyour fault.

It wasn't any of my fault.

Oh, so nowyou're blaming me?

All you had to do was stand in one place...

and catch me as I floated intoyour arms.

"Floated"?

You landed on me like a piano.

Well, we'll just see about that.

Oh, Dharma, no.

- Ready, Freddie? - No.

- Here comes Ginger. - Dharma, no!

[ Crashing]

[Dharma ] Better.

It's 4 to 6 Foot!