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Then, when I was 1 4,
I reallywanted curly hair...

Iike that guy in Twisted Sister, so I shaved
my head and thought curly thoughts.

It didn't work, but I did learn
to wiggle my ears that summer.

Anyway, uh, yeah, the short answer toyour
question would be, "Yes, I am a U.S. citizen."

Thankyou.

Dharma, this is just
a routine background check.

- They don't need to knowyourwhole life story.
- Come on, Greg.

I'm getting grilled
by the F.B.I. I caved.

Mrs. Montgomery,
I'm not grilling you.

This is a security clearance soyour husband
can look at some classified evidence.

You don't have to worry about Greg.
He's really good at keeping secrets.

Just ask him what we did
in his office last week.

Uh, nothing.
We didn't do anything.

That's good, honey. See?

All right. I thinkwe're
almost done here.

Oh, yeah, yeah. One more thing-
'causeyou're gonna find out eventually...

so let me just get it
all out.

When I was 1 3, I stole a bra from Sears
'cause my mom wouldn't let me have one.

Uh, put me down
for that one too.

Shut up.

I wrapped it around a telephone pole
and practiced unhooking it.

Well, now, I'm really
sure we're done.

Um, Mrs. Montgomery, ifyou could just
give meyour parents' address...

I'd like to ask them
a few questions.

- You're gonna do a background
check on my parents?
- Standard procedure.

Uh, well, here. I'll just write it down foryou.
It will be faster.

- [ Pencil Cracking ]
- Oops!

I'm gonna go buyya
a new pencil.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Larry, run!

I'm really sorry
about this, Abby.

Honey, it's notyour fault.
We always knew this day might come.

When you live with a wanted man,
every day that he's free is a precious gift.

Okay, I found the emergency
suitcase.

- "Nixon Now"?
- It's camouflage to blend in
with the establishment.

Oh, honey, I don't think these
are gonna fityou anymore.

Oh! I'll take 'em.
Those are awesome.

Okay, here areyourvitamins.

Hey, come on, Abby.
I can't haul these things around.

- I gotta travel light. I'm goin' underground.
- Well, let's just...

move some ofthese eight tracks,
make a little room.

- What am I gonna listen to?
- Oh, hey, Larry!

Cool, look. You
can use my Discman.

- Doyou have Strawberry Alarm Clock on CD?
- Larry, nobody does.

Do you have a nice pair
of pants and a shirt?

What difference does it make?
I'm going underground.

What if underground
you go out someplace nice? Pack up.

Well, sweetie...

I may not be seeing you
for a while.

Larry, I can't help
thinking this is all my fault.

No, no, no.
It's notyour fault.

I'm the one that burned
those draft records.

I'm the one that crippled
the Vietnam war machine.

And ifliving like
a hunted animal...

is the price I have to pay,
then so be it.

Can'tyou just go
staywith Grandma?

Not unless I cut my hair
and finish college.

[ Sobs ]

I wantyou towearthewarm jacket
because it gets chilly at night.

Okay.

And I broughtyou
a pillow.

- Oh, come on, Abby.
- Well, what?

You want to make up in the morning
with a stiff neck and be cranky?

I'm runnin' for my life!
I'm supposed to be cranky!

-Just take it.
- Okay.

Well, I guess this is it.

Oh!

I got a list
of places here...

that ifyou want to contact me,
you can leave a message.

"Crazy Dave's Record Shop."
That's a Starbucks now, Larry.

Then use the others.

The free clinic
on Market Street.

No, that's a Starbucks too.

Okay. I'll contact you.

Good-bye.

Love you.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh! Oh!
I forgot my backpack.

It's on your back, Larry.

Right.

Hey, Greg,you're not gonna believe
what happened to me last night.

-Does it involve a woman in a bar?
-Will you let me tell the story?

- Sorry.
- So I'm at this bar last night, right?

- This woman walks up, right?
- Really?

I'm not gettin' anywhere with her
until I whip out...

my brand-new security clearance card.

Next thing you know, she's all over
me like a Russian spy.

- Pete, what if she was a Russian spy?
- Aw, come on.

They don't have those
anymore, do they?

- Hey, sweetie. Pete.
- Dharma! What are you doing here?

- I gotta talk to you. Pete, can you-
- Oh, sure, sure.

You need the office for a little
desktop publishing, huh?

You were listening?

It's not his fault, honey.
You were veryvocal.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! There's
a stapler in my ass."

What's going on? What happened
toyou this morning?

To make
a long story short...

I basically had to tell
my father to go into hiding.

Make the story long.

[ Sighs ]
Okay.

Thirtyyears ago, my father broke
into the draft board office...

and burned all their records, and there's been
a warrant out for his arrest ever since.

- Do you want some lunch?
- Whoa. And you're just telling me this now?

Well, I couldn't tell you
until he was safe.

What did you think I was
gonna do, turn him in?

- Wouldn'tyou have to?
- Well, technically, yes.

- Aha!
- But there might be anotherway out ofthis.

I need to talk to him.
Tell mewhere he is.

I can't tell you where he is unless
you promise he's not gonna get arrested.

Well, I can't promise that
until you tell mewhere he is.

Then you can't talk to him
unless you promise me that.

- Dharma, come on. Where is he?
- All I'm gonna say...

is that he went underground
where no one will ever find him.

- Is everything all right, sir?
- Sure. fine.

Just the usual.
Just the regular.

What doyou mean,
"the regular"?

The regular thing you do here,
you know, waitin' for a bus.

I'm gonna go on a bus.

Sir, you've been sitting
there all morning.

Waiting for a particular bus.

It's a special bus,
isn't it?

Yep. My bus.

Okay, you staywarm, buddy,
now, all right?

You bet.

I still got it.

This is good.
What is it?

Food.

Dharma, ifyou want to be
mad at me that's fine...

but, for the record, you're mad at me for
something you think I might have done...

whereas I'm mad atyou for something
thatyou actually did do.

No, it's something that I didn't do,
and I didn't do it because ifl did do it...

you would have donewhatyou claim
you might not have done.

- Butwe'll never know, will we?
- Oh, I know.

- [Knocking]
- Go away!
- Come in!

Hello, you crazy lovebirds!

Okay, tough room. I got that
information you wanted.

- What information?
- I asked Pete to do a little background check...

of our own on your father
so I could try to help...

which is what I said I would have done
ifyou had given me the opportunity to do it.

- Says you.
- What'd ya find?

- Nothin'.
- What doya mean, nothin'?

I know. I was surprised too...

you know, seeing as
it's your father.

I thought the least we'd find is a little, you know-
[ Makes Puffing Sounds ]

Nothin'- Nothin' at all.

Larry Finkelstein could be president,
God help us.

- Well, this is great news.
- This can't be right.

What about the
Sausalito draft board fire?

He broke in and burnt all their records.
He's famous for that.

Yeah, I checked on that too.
Yeah, it seems there was a little fire...

at the draft board office back in '68,
but the sprinklers put it out.

No records were damaged,
theyjust had to replace the carpeting.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh, no,
that's fairly typical.

You know, it's not the carpeting
so much as the padding underneath.

- You know, when that gets wet-
- Uh, thanks, Pete.

- Honey, isn't this great?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Your dad can come home now. Why don'tyou
call your mom and tell her the good news?

Nah, I think I better break
this to her in person.

- That was weird, huh?
- Yeah.

You like weird?

Gettin' used to it.

That's great, 'causeyou are
gonna love this little tidbit.

It seems the F.B.I. has a little tax problem
with yourfather's wife.

You mean my mother?

No, I mean
yourfather's wife.

- My mother is my father's wife.
- That would be true...

Mr. Not-Catch-On-Too-Quick...

ifyour father and his first wife
had ever filed for a divorce.

My father had a first-
Give me that.

Which also means thatyour mother
and father aren't married.

Which furthermore means that
that name I called you...

when we were
playing golflast week...

that's technically accurate.

- Son of a-
- No, no, no, the other one.

Oh, my God!
This is just gonna kill your father.

I know, I know, butyou know what,
we're just gonna have to remind him...

of all the other cool
antiestablishment things he did.

Dharma, the draft board was
really his one big thing.

Well, what about the time
he chained himselfto the redwood?

Itwas a redwood deck.

Itwas an accident and we're not
supposed to talk about it.

Okay. Uh, well-

Um, hey! Okay! What about
the March on Washington?

- We didn't make it.
- Why?

Oh, it was my fault.
I should have told him "D.C."

There's absolutely gotta be
something he can feel proud of.

Well, uh-

Oh, Dharma, we can't
tell him about this.

Abby, what are we just supposed to do,
leave him out there alone?

Yes. Until we can think ofsomethin'.
He can take care ofhimself.

No, he can't! He chained himself
to a redwood deck!

Shh!

- [Greg] Dad?
- In here.

Hey, I've never seen you
use that before.

I'm going to see the cardiologist tomorrow.
I'm cramming.

Fine. Uh, Dad, I need to, um,
talk toyou aboutyour first wife.

- Did you hearwhat I said?
- Yes, I heard.

- Dad, you okay?
- I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm just
a little dehydrated.

- [ Sighs ]
- Son, your mother and I...

were going to tell you about this
when you were old enough to understand.

I'm 31. What were
you waiting for?

- You're 31?
- I gotta tell you, this is kind of upsetting.

Oh, grow up. You're 31.

Dad, the divorce
was never final.

You're still married
to that woman.

- What areyou doing?
- Your motherwill go a lot easier on me...

ifI've just had
a heart attack.

You're kidding? How doyou chain
yourselfto a redwood deck?

Well, hewas practicing
forthe protest...

and he wanted to show everyone how
he could hide the key in his mouth.

- Greg, what are we gonna do?
- We're not going to give him
another key to the apartment.

Isn't there some wayyou could
getyour friends in the F.B.I....

to make him think he's a criminal?

I guess we could trump up a big
old file full of groovy antiwar crimes...

flytoWashington and plant it
at the F.B.I. headquarters.

Hey, that's a great idea!

And then Larry can break in,
steal the file...

and then he'll think
that's why no one's after him.

Dharma, I was making a ludicrous
statement to make a point.

And a good point- Except, you know what?
We should probably do it here...

because Larry has a little trouble
finding Washington.

How's that?

Dharma, he's never gonna
believe this is his F.B.I. file.

Hewill ifhe steals it from a fancy
government office likeyours.

Okay. Even ifl could
convince the security guard...

to leave a door unlocked
and turn the alarm off...

what person
in their right mind...

would believe they could erase their
entire criminal past by stealing one file?

What a lucky break!

All my records
in one file?

[ Laughs ]
That's the government forya. Morons.

I know this must seem
reallyweird toyou...

Ietting a guy break
in to steal a fake file...

but the man's entire identity is wrapped up
in being a '60's revolutionary.

Like I was telling your friend,
for season tickets to the 49ers...

I'd letyou guys steal
the helicopter offthe roof.

Good to know. Excuse me for a second.
Pete, can I speak to you?

- I don't have season tickets to the 49ers.
- I'd get some.

- Anything else?
- I told him your sister looks like Courteney Cox.

I don't have a sister.

I'd get one.

Okay. So
the security alarm...

in the northwest corner goes on at midnight,
so we gotta move fast.

Like a puma.

Fine. So straight down
this hallway-

That's a beautiful map
you made, Dharma.

Thankyou.

Second door on the right, go in, grab the file
and then back out the waywe came.

Check.

- Larry, what areyou doing?
- Destroying the evidence.

- No, we need that.
- Larry, we recycle paper.

Not tonight. Tonight
we recycle freedom!

Just tell me one more
time before I leave.

- You're a good daughter.
- Thankyou.

[ Inaudible ]

That's mywife.

Hey, Larry, this door
looks like it's open.

- Of course it is. It's a trap.
- No, it's not.

They always leave one door open
just to trapyou.

No, they don't.

Dharma, honey, when you're wanted
by the F.B.I., we'll do ityourway.

[ Laughs ]

They still haven't made the lock
that can stop Larry Finkelstein.

Except the one on that
redwood deck.

- Well, good night.
- Uh, Kitty, a troubling matter has come up.

Don'tyou lose sleep over it.
Sweet dreams.

Kitty! We've got to talk.
Please sit down.

Right.

Doyou remember that little mistake I made
that we never talk about?

It's late, Edward. You'll
have to be more specific.

- My first wife.
- Ooh, yes.

Well, it seems there's a little
problem with the divorce.

- What sort of problem?
- We didn't get one.

- What?
- Yes. We had an arrangement.

I was to, uh,
pay for the divorce...

and she was
to file the papers.

- Apparently she didn't.
- Areyou telling me
you're still married to this woman?

Yes, and I'm going to call
Gottlieb in the morning...

- and we'll settle this whole thing.
- L-L-Let me understand this.

You are married
and I am single?

I supposeyou could look at it
thatway.

Yes. And I supposeyou could also look
at me as the "otherwoman."

I'll call Gottlieb now.

Not- Not now, Edward.

Not now. Lie down.

- Why?
- [ Sighs ]

[ Edward ]
Oh!

It's been a long time,
Kitty.

Don't talk, Edward.
That's whywe stopped.

Camera! Quick!

[ Sighs ] I should never have broughtyou
into this. It's too dangerous.

It's not dangerous.
I mean, it's very dangerous...

but I'm with you.

Uh-uh. I'll get the file.
You go back to the van.

Larry, Larry, Larry!
The file's this way.

Larry! Larry?

- Hi.
- Dharma, Wha-What areyou doing here?

- I lost him.
- How could you lose him?

What can I say? He still
has a little puma left in him.

Hey, hey, I found him.
No, no, no, Larry, come on.

- Geez, what's that gonna run me?
- 250 a camera. Listen.

We've gotta wrap this up.
I'm gonna get in all kinds oftrouble.

Hey, hey, hey.
He's goin' the right way!

[Dharma ]
Oh, good, Larry.. Turn around, Larry..

[ Overlapping Shouts
OfiEncouragement ]

- [ Dharma ] Come on, Larry.!
- [All Cheering]

[ Greg]
Go! Go, go! Yeah!

- Al I ri ght. Okay. Good.
- Okay.

- Where is he?
- Come on back out.

- [ Pete ] Is he gonna come out?
- [All]All right! Yeah!

Okay, Larry, all you have to do
is go back out the wayyou came in.

- Come on, Larry.
- [ All Chanting ] Larry! Larry!

Larry! Larry!

- [ All Yelling ] No!
- [Alarm Rings ]

Now what do you want me to do,
chase him?

Yeah, and could you
shoot a little?

Oh, man! There must have been six, seven
guards chasing me- and I think they had dogs.

Oh, is that whyyou jumped
into the Dumpster?

Absolutely.
Change my scent.

Worked.

Boy, they had some file on me.

I mean, there's things in here
that I don't even remember doing.

Oh! Oh! And this is good.
The F.B.I. misspelled "bureau."

- [ Knocking ]
- Hey, everybody, where haveyou been?

- I've been calling all night.
- Hi, Greg.

Hey, Greg. Oh, we, uh, we just
went on a little, um, family outing.

- Where'd ya go?
- Where did we go? Um, apple picking.

Sounds like fun.
Where are the apples?

Oh, uh, the apples. Theywere too small
sowe had to throw them back in-

Up- On.

And you, uh, dressed in black soyou could,
uh, sneak up on those apples?

Yeah, we did, Curious George,
now leave it alone.

So, uh, ifyou'll,
uh, excuse me...

I have to go dispose of some
trash, you know, outside.

-Just get rid ofit once and for all.
-Just go.

Thankyou, honey.

- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.

So, we're all
done with this?

Everything's back to normal?

Hey, Abby!

Yep. Back to normal.

Well-

Uh, yes.

I suppose I should be
getting offto bed.

Uh, you're welcome
to stay ifyou like.

- Oh?
- And I'm going to call Gottlieb in the morning...

and we'll get this whole
divorce thing straightened out.

No, don't call Gottlieb.

You must never call Gottlieb.

It's 4 to 6 Foot!