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Wow, you have such a beautiful wife.
You must miss hervery much.

Oh, yes. Every day
my heart ache for her.

Well, I'm sureyou know there's a spiritual
bond between husband and wife.

Even though she's thousands of miles away,
she knows how much you love her.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Gracias.

- Yeah.
- [ Sobs ]

- Dharma? Hi.
- Hi.

Why did you make
the busboy cry?

I didn't make him cry. I just created a safe
space for him to get in touch with his feelings.

[ Sobbing ]

Anyway, how's your day goin'?

Well, I'd love to tell you,
but it's a little hard to understand.

Oh, come on, tell me anyway.

Okay. This morning I found a way
to use 1 8 U.S.C., section 2255...

to wrangle a dismissal
ofa spurious habeas petition...

on these guys
we are holding under RICO.

Congratulations! Right?

- Greg?
- Barbara! Hi! I didn't knowyou were in town.

I just got in from Washington.

By the way, congratulations on
knocking out that habeas petition.

- Thanks.
- He wrangled a dismissal.

Uh, Barbara,
this is mywife, Dharma.

Uh, Barbara and I used to
work together.

- Hello.
- Hi. Please join us, sit.

Oh, I don't want to disturbyou. I'm going to
grab a sandwich and head back to the office.

No, no, no, no.
You should never eat alone.

Eating should be a communal experience,
you know, like bathing.

Okay. I'll just cancel my to-go order.

- Okay, cool.
- Okay.

I like her. She's so warm and friendly.
I can see whyyou went out with her.

How- How'd you know that?

Oh, Greg, women
know these things.

It's partly the way
she looked at you...

and then partly the wayyou bent your spoon
when I asked her to join us.

Oh, come on, you two.

It's not like I don't know
Greg has ex-girlfriends.

I mean, in a way,
I'm grateful for his exes...

'cause they helped make him into
the wonderful man that he is today.

Heck, for all I know, you taught him
that ice cube, belly button deal.

No. No, actually,
we saw that in a movie.

Uh, so, when did you two meet?

Gee, almost a month ago.

Oh. And you're married?

One month tomorrow.

Soyou got married
the dayyou met.

Yeah, it's really a funny story
how it worked out.

- How long wereyou guys together?
- Uh, two years.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

So I guess you finally got over
that little commitment problem.

- Yeah, I sure did.
- Yeah.

You guys broke up because
you wanted to get married and you didn't?

You know, I think I would like some wine,
maybe a carafe. White, red, I don't care.

Dharma, um, Greg didn't want to
talk about our relationship then.

I'm sure he doesn't
want to talk about it now.

Greg, I think Barbara needs
a little closure here.

- Maybeyou should talk about it.
- I did talk about it.

You know, never mind. It's really-
It's not that important. Okay?

That's it? That's how
you guys talked about it?

Well, it was very simple.

She wanted to go to Washington and I didn't
want to stand in the way ofher career.

Well, I might have stayed
ifyou'd asked me to.

Greg, how doyou feel about that?

Well, I didn't want to be selfish.
I didn't wantyou to stayjust for me.

Oh, isn't he the sweetest?

Well, I wish he'd been a little more selfish,
because I would have stayed.

Really?

Yes, really.

God! I'm so glad we straightened
that whole thing out.

So, Barbara, when areyou
going back to Washington?

Actually, I'm not.
I transferred back here.

So it looks like we'll
be working together again.

Well, gosh darn it.
Here's toyou.

- When did you get this television, Dharma?
- It came with Greg.

It's part ofhis past that
he never mentioned to me...

but here it is and I just
have to deal with it.

It's a beauty.
Brand-new.

- Probably has the V-chip.
- Oh, Larry, don't start.

He thinks the government is listening to us
through the V-chip.

No. No. They're watching us
through the V-chip.

They're listening to us
through the smoke detectors.

I should have never let him
get on the I nternet.

- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi, Greg. How was your day?

- Oh, you know, nothin' worth talking about.
- Smart boy.

He knows what the V-chip stands for.
"Ve are vatching you."

Oh, come on, Greg,
you had an amazing day.

He wrangled the spurious habeas,
and then he ran into an old girlfriend.

She's really beautiful. But I think they
were both a little nervous that I was there...

but they'll get over it since now theywill be
working together every ding-dong day.

Yep, that was my day.
Oh, rice-barley treats.

And there's more coming out ofthe oven.
Dharma, would you like to help me?

- No.
- Dharma needs a time-out.

So, Greg, it must be hard foryou Federales
to cover upyour conspiracies...

now that all those secret documents
are floating out there on the Internet.

Who doyou think puts them
on the Internet, Larry?

Of course.
Brilliant.

Dharma, this is so not likeyou.

I know. I can't believe I'm jealous.
I'm neverjealous.

Even when the other kids were jealous,
I wasn't jealous. I mean, I wished I could be-

Oh, my God, I was jealous.
I was jealous oftheirjealousy.

Oh, that's sick.
Oh, my God, I'm a sick person.

Okay, remember, when we judge ourselves,
we send ourselves to emotional prison. Right?

So what is the first thing we do
to get rid of negative feelings?

I already did all that. I said...

"Hello,jealousy. I embrace and acknowledge
the messageyou are bringing me."

Good. And what did jealousy say?

Hejust looked right at me and went-
[ Raspberry]

All right. Well, don't give up.
Don't give up.

Uh, this time I'll beyou,
okay, and you bejealousy, all right?

Hello,jealousy,
I'm Dharma-

Oh- [ Raspberry]
See, there's no talking to him.

I'm notsaying that Oswald
wasn't the lone gunman.

I'm just saying that the C.I.A. built him
specifically for that mission.

And when you say "built,"
you mean trained, right?

You tell me.

- [Knocking]
- It's open.
- Come in.

- Hello, all.
- [ Greg] Hello, Mother, Dad.

Hello, new family members.

Oh. All right, okay,
that's enough.

So, Ed, how goes the exploitation
ofthe working classes?

It's actually ahead of schedule.

- Now where's that wedding video
we're supposed to be looking at?
- Coming right up.

Oh, Gregory, darling, you'll never guess who
we ran into last night- Barbara Colfield.

- Really? Isn't that nice?
- Yes. And you'll never guess
where she's living now.

Right here in my head.

[Greg] Okay, every.body, we're going
to watch the wedding video.

- Oh, look, it's Greg and his first wife, Dharma.
- [ TV: Wedding March ]

- We'll be right back.
- Oh, they look so happy!

Dharma.

Way to go, Greg.
Now everyone knows I'm upset.

Dharma, listen to me.
I don't want to be with Barbara.

Barbara and I broke up
because we had lots of problems.

No, you didn't.
You had one problem, and I fixed it.

Honey, I married you.

- Ifl died, you'd go back to her, right?
- No.

But, Greg, she's perfect foryou.

And how could I be happy in my next life
knowing thatyou were here all alone?

I mean, that would hurt me.

- Fine. I'd go back to her.
- I knew it!

Nowyou just listen to me. I ordered
monogrammed cocktail napkins...

and what I'm looking at here is a drunken
little man relieving himself on a lamppost.

Oh, hello. Um-

Could you-You want-
Put the flowers down right there.

Right there. Down.
I said put them down.

Down. Doyou understand? Down.
Oh, I'm allergic to dog hair. I get hives.

- Shoo!
- I have just the thing for that actually.

It's, uh-
It's in here somewhere.

I am sure it is, along with the Holy Grail
and the Lindbergh baby.

Greg, come on.
How can you deny she's Miss Right?

You both are lawyers,
you both went to Stanford...

your parents belong
to the same country club.

- Dharma, let's not do this.
- Ooh, you both say, "let's not" instead of"don't."

Okay. This is a traditional
Chinese herbal remedy.

- Oh, really? What's in it?
- Seaweed, of course, and, uh,
some naturally occurring fungi...

- sheep placenta-
- Oh!

- Thankyou. Th-That's plenty.
- Areyou sure?

- 'Cause it's really terrific stuff.
- Oh, well-

It's very good on rashes and insect bites.
It's miraculous on wrinkles.

Insect bites? Really?

Well, we do have mosquitoes
up at the lake.

Shh, shh, shh.
There's me.

What's this for?
Who areyou taping this for?

Oh. Dharma, Greg...

just remember that to everything
there is a season...

a time to be born,
a time to die.

A time to shut up
and play cards.

I can't believe you
beat me out of $22.

Well, ifyou can't remember the cards
you play, how do you expect to win?

Ah, you're just a shark.

What'd you take me for...

20, $25?

Okay. We have
a lot in common, but-

She's perfect foryou.

Fine. Dharma, it doesn't matter
ifthere's somebody out there...

who, on paper, is perfect for me,
because I love you.

Yeah, well, a dog
can love a chicken...

but eventually he's gonna want another dog,
'cause chickens don't chase cars...

and all the love in the world
won't change that.

There's obviously nothing I can say
that's gonna makeyou feel better...

so how about this?

How about I create a nice, safe space foryou
to get in touch with your feelings...

Iikeyou did for the busboy.

[Dharma ] I fieel like choking herscrawny
little neck untilshe begs fior mercy!

And then I say, "Mercy? I'll showyou mercy!"
And then I set her on fiire!

Whoosh!

- What was that?
- Feel i ngs.

Anyway, I know. I 'm sorry.
I 've just been unloading on you, but I just-

You know that old Buddhist saying,
"Seek the headwaters ofthe river of pain"-

which is you-
No offense.

It's just- I thought that ifwe honestly
told each other how we feel-

- Yeah?
- we wouldn't have to, you know...

I don't know,
set each other on fire.

Wow. Okay. Um, honest.

Dharma, uh, Greg is the greatest guy
I've ever known...

and if I were to be
totally honest with you...

I'd have to say that, um,
I'm still in love with your husband.

Whoosh!

Say, there's yourwife talking
toyour ex-girlfriend.

- This can't be good.
- Gee, I wonder ifyour name's come up, huh?

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi.

What's going on?

Well, I decided to take
Barbara for a drink and-

God, how do I put it
in a good way? Um-

Well, everybodyjust loves Greg.

Wh-What I was telling Dharma is that it's very
hard to find a nice guy, you know, likeyou.

Well, haveyou tried? 'Cause just going around
telling peopleyou love their husbands...

is just gonna getyou whooshed.

I know it's wrong,
but I am just lovin' this.

I mean, okay, Barbara,
there are plentyofiguys out there...

that are just as good
as Greg- better!

- Thanks, honey.
- Work with me.

Like take Pete here.

A handsome, young attorney
on the fast track.

Say something, Pete.

My apartment is completely
soundproofed.

Okay. Let's go hit on
these guys over here.

Has that line everworked?

No. But when it does,
it's gonna be worth it.

This is a pleasant surprise.

Well, we just happened to be in the neighborhood.
I thought we would stop in and say hello.

This neighborhood?
What wereyou doing in this neighborhood?

- Every now and then I like to
take my Mercedes off-road.
- Huh.

Well, makeyourselves comfortable
and I'll fix us some peppermint tea.

- Oh. Thankyou.
- Larry.!

- [Larry.] What?
- Company!

No, thanks!

I said we've got company!

He's out in his potting shed.
You know, it's kind oflike his man-cave.

Oh, isn't that wonderful.
You should have one ofthose, dear.

- Can we just do this and go?
- Shh.

- Okay.
- Ah. Abby, there is one- one
little thing while I'm here.

Doyou have any more
ofthat, um, allergy cream?

- I don't know. I would have to look.
- Look.

- Hey, lookwho's here.
- Hello, Finkelstein.

You know, you're just the man I want to see.
Come on. I've got somethin' to showyou.

- What?
- Oh,just go to the cave, Edward.

I don't understand howyou went through
that whole jar. Did the rash come back?

- Yes, yes, it came back.
- Really? I don't see it.

Well, it comes, it goes.

Oh, then, you know, it might be a food allergy.
They can be tricky to figure out.

But, you know, ifyou just
stickwith fruits for a while...

then add things like nuts,
which I can't eat at all.

I mean I love them,
but they don't love me.

Oh, for God's sake, I don't have a rash.
I put it on my face.

I had no crow's-feet, I had no laugh lines,
I had no expression whatsoever.

It was wonderful.
And I-I-I need to have more ofit.

I need to dip mywhole damn body into it.
Help me.

Uh, you know, in some cultures, Kitty,
wrinkles are considered beautiful on a-

I'll keep looking.

Barbara, Barbara. I wantyou to meet
bachelor number three.

- Good-looking, loves dogs, speaks French.
- Bonjour.

[ Imitates Buzzer]
Thanks for playing our game.

- I thought he was kind of cute.
- Barbara, excuse us for a second.

- Did you spot a good one?
- No, I didn't spot a good one.

Dharma, as unusual
as this may sound...

I'm not really into picking up guys
for my ex-girlfriend with mywife.

You thinkyou'd have
a better shot alone?

Why areyou doing this?

I don't know. Don't ask me.
I'm the insane,jealous one.

All I know is that
she's a ricocheting bullet...

and I just have to make sure that
when she hits a guy, it's notyou.

I mean, I'm happyto
take the bullet foryou...

but I don't go that way.

Okay, one more time.

Your little buddy stands
behind me ever so casually.

He checks out my hand,
he walks over toyou,jaunty as can be...

whispers inyour ear...

- and then-
- Ha, ha, gin.

Wait a minute!
Are you calling me a cheater?

I don't have to call you anything, Ed.
The tape speaks for itself.

- That tape doesn't prove anything.
- Yeah, right.

And all these alien autopsy tapes
are just one big, elaborate hoax.

Oh, for God's sake.

You know, Barbara, I thinkyou're just
setting your standards a little too high.

I mean, let's not forget,
Greg's not perfect.

You know. I mean, there are some things
about him that, well, no one's thrilled about.

- Like what?
- I don't know ifyou noticed...

but he's got this one big gnarly toe
that just looks like it needs its own shoe.

See, I thought that was kind of cute.

Oh, well, tick-tock.
Let's get you a guy. Come on.

- How about this one?
- Fatigue.

- Oh. This one?
- Irritability. Keep it.

Why don't we just roll up our sleeves
and whip up a whole new batch?

Oh, I didn't make it.
I bought it.

- You bought it?
- Yes.

You mean, I could have just gone
to the store and bought it?

Yeah.

- Where is the store?
- Okay. Um...

you know the place in Chinatown
with the ducks hanging in the window...

right across from the store where,
um, ginseng is always on sale?

Street names, woman.
I need street names.

So-So after my dad died,
I sold the store, went to law school.

It was always-
always his dream.

Okay. Nice try. We don't need
the whole life story. Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Do you believe that guy?
Leather pants?

Sorry. I try to screen them.
I guess he slipped through.

- See, I kind ofliked him.
- Okay, I'm on it.

Uh, Dharma, Dharma, wait, wait.
Uh, Dad, calm down. I'll meetyou there.

- Listen, our dads are gonna kill
each other. I have to leave.
- Okay. Have fun.

- Uh, Dharma. Dharma.
- What?

Promise meyou'll stick to this crazy plan
and not start a new one until I get back.

Honey, I'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

Hey, you in the leather pants,
can I talk toyou for a sec?

Oh, when you're done.

Okay, guys, uh, in here.

Gregory, I appreciateyou taking
a moment to settle this little thing.

No problem, Dad.
That's why the F.B.I. built the crime lab...

to get to the bottom ofthese
critical gin rummy disputes.

- So this is where Big Brother
watches us from, huh?
- Yeah.

- And can we please do this before he gets back?
- Okay, gin game.

There! See?
You cheated.

- I never cheated on a card game in my life.
- [ Greg]All right. All right.

Calm down. Pete, can we find out
what he said there?

No problem.
I just gotta zoom in...

and, uh, drop out the background noise
and see what we got.

Edward, why don'tyou
let this guywin a hand?

I'm trying to,
but the guy's a freakin' moron.

I guess I oweyou an apology.

Dharma,
I am through for the night.

All right. Well, you know what, I'll pickyou up
in the morning and we'll hit a couple churches.

Nice guys at churches,
and sometimes pancakes.

Thankyou so much fortrying to help, but I think
I'd be more comfortable finding my own guy.

Yeah, I understand that.
But just remember this isn't aboutyou.

9:30 okay?

Actually, make it 8:30 so we can
get a couple ofjoggers on the way.

- Got to go.
- [ Sighs ]

- Your friend's leaving withoutyou?
- Heh, heh, heh.

Actually, no,
she's not my friend.

- She's kind ofthe headwaters-
- [ Both ] ofthe river of pain.

- How did you know that?
- Myyoga instructor is also a Buddhist master.

- Really? I teach yoga.
- Hatha or Kundalini?

Uh, well, actually,
a little ofboth. Hathalini.

- I'm Dharma.
- Dharma, as in
"Dharma, the ultimate truth ofall things?"

Oh, wow.
[ Giggles ]

How did you know that? Most peoplejust go,
"What kind ofweird name is that?"

- It's notweird, it's beautiful.
- Thankyou.

- I'm Sid.
- Hi, Sid.

Actually, it's Siddhartha.

- Ooh, parents hippies.
- Yeah. Grew up in a genuine commune.

- Shut up!
- Yes.

Me too.

Well, until my dad found this Indian tribe
thatwas taking on new members.

- Did you get an Indian name?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Crazy Man's Daughter.

That's good.

Be right back.

- Hi. Sorry that took so long.
- That's okay.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, it's fine.

- Where's Barbara?
- Uh, she went home.

- Did you find Mr. Right?
- Yeah, I did...

but I'm going home
with the man I love.

Night, Sid.

Okay, hereyou go,
wrinkledlady.

And don'tyou come back again
middle of night!

[ Speaking Chinese ]

Now wait a minute.
I gave him a $50 bill.

Sir, what about my change?
I said, what about my cha-

Forget it, Kitty.
It's Chinatown.

[Woman Speaking Chinese ]

[Man Speaking Chinese ]