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Ah!

- Thatwas great.
- Yeah.

You knowwhat
myfavorite part was?

The part whereyou yelled,
"This is my favorite part"?

No, the part right after that.

- Dharma?
- Hmm?

What are they doing?

Watching their new dad.

The whole time?

Since the get-go.
I think they're real proud ofyou.

All right. Show's over.
Move along.

- You ready to call it a night?
- Yeah, I'm beat.

Come on.

I thought
we were going to sleep.

We are, but not here.

- [Cars Driving By]
- [ Grunts ]

Hey, Greg, what doyou thinkwe would have done
ifwe hadn't run off and gotten married?

I don't know.
Had a second date?

Well, you know what?
I'm glad we went for it.

Because now every moment
with you is like-waah- a surprise.

I know whatyou mean.
Are we gonna sleep up here every night?

Don't be silly.
Onlywhen it's a full moon.

Ah, the full moon, of course.
You don't turn into anything unpleasant, doyou?

- Is that supposed to be a joke?
- Yeah.

Well, it's not funny.

Wouldn't it be trippy
ifl was really like that?

- Extremely trippy.
- [ Grunts ]

- Ooh!
- What?

We should have a party
to celebrate getting married.

Dharma, we can never tell anyone
about this marriage ever.

- What?
- Wouldn't it be trippy ifl was really like that?

- That's not funny.
- It's not?

Gotyou again.
God, you suck at this game.

Well, what doyou think?
We could have a party right up here.

And we could have a band,
and we could have a couple of cakes.

We can invite our parents and they could
meet each other. Wouldn't that be great?

[ Laughing ]
You're still playing the game, aren'tyou?

No, I'm serious.
It'd be fun. Askyourfolks.

I really don't think
it's a good idea.

- Would you at least think about it?
- I'll think about it.

- So areyou gonna ask 'em?
- First thing in the morning.

- I loveyou so much.
- I loveyou too.

- Dharma.
- Yeah?

It's starting to rain.

We're not gonna sleep
in the rain, are we?

No, silly. You don't sleep in the rain.
You make love in the rain.

Ah. What ifthere's lightning?

Then you get to be on top!

[ MotorWhirring ]

[ MotorWhirs ]

[ Motor Revving ]

- We're back.
- Hey.

Thanks forwalking the boys.
How'd it go?

Well, Stinkywill walk Nunzio
but he won't clean up after him.

Stinky, you wanted
your own dog...

butyou don't want
the responsibility, doyou?

Uh, morning.

Morning, honey.
RememberJane?

- Hello,Jane.
- Hey, lightning rod.

Dharma, do we tell Jane everything?

Just the really cute stuff.

I love Dharma's elbows
and her little bittytootsies.

Sorry, that wasn'tyou.

I madeyou
a breakfast smoothie.

Oh, I- I usuallyjust have
a couple of eggs and juice.

- It's in there.
- [Phone Ringing]

Oh, uh, that's me.

Hi, ifyou're 1 8
and have a credit card...

get ready to get sweaty
with San Francisco's hottest-

Thankyou. Hello?

Oh, hello, Mother.

- Ask her about the party.
- [ Kitty] Gregory, darling.

Your father and I
spoke to the lawyer...

and he has drawn up
the most wonderful little affidavit...

stating thatyou were intoxicated
when you got married.

Sign it and we can put this
whole unfortunate incident behind us.

Mother says "hi."

- Hi, Mom.
- So, areyou gonna have a big party?

We could have a big wedding parade
through the streets like they do in Europe.

Cool. I know a guywho dresses up
like a clown and walks around on stilts.

- Doyou think he'd do it?
- I don't know. He doesn't like
it when people look at him.

- No, Mother. It's just a small party, very casual.
- Gregory.

The day that I celebrate
this misbegotten marriage...

is the day that
I ride a goat to Kmart.

- Is she coming?
- Uh, she's just um, uh, trying to clear a date.

Um, okay. Mother, why don'tyou call me then.
Uh-huh. Okay. Bye.

So they're coming?

Uh, well, Mother's kind ofbusy.

Oh. We can just do it
when she's not busy.

Well, she might be busy
for a while.

- She hates me.
- She doesn't hateyou.

- Who hates you?
- Greg's mom.

She doesn't hateyou.
She just needs to get to knowyou.

She hates you.

- What does it matter how she feels?
- Oh, my God! She does hate me.

She thinks I'm this big blonde goofball
messing up her son's life.

Dharma, listen. All you have to do
is give her some time, that's all.

Doyou think ifshe really gets
to know me she'll like me?

- Absolutely.
- Good.

So in a way,
it was Greg's idea that I'm here.

- Remind me to thank him.
- Yeah.

So, I'm thinking you and me spend the day
together and get to know each other.

Dharma- Oh, my goodness,
it's time for my tennis lesson.

- I'm so sorry. I must run.
- Oh, great! I love tennis.

Well, not to play orwatch.
I'm just really glad it's out there.

Oh, come on. It'llbe fiun.
Most embarrassing moment.

You go fiirst.

Okay. I'll go first.

Um, so I'm 1 2 years old...

when I find out
people actually eat meat.

- Ah, how embarrassing.
- No, that's not it. It gets worse.

So I figure I gotta
try it, right?

So I go down to the Tastee-Freez
and I buy this enormous cheeseburger...

and I'm snarfing it down out back
by the Dumpster and guess who drives by.

- I can't even imagine.
- Come on! Guess.

[ Stammering ]
The meat police.

Well, my mom, so good guess.

I was so busted.

And then the very next day
I got my first period.

So now in my mind those two things
are somehow tied together.

All right, all right, all right.

Game's over. Game's over.

Okay, soyou don't like meyet.

But one day in the future
you're gonna like me.

And you're gonna feel really bad
about not having come to my party.

So how about this? Come to my party
as a favor to your future self.

See, it's the kind ofthing
that the you you're going to be...

will want to have done
for the me that I am now.

So, she actually
served tap water?

She put a lemon wedge in it,
but I could still smell the chlorine.

- Oh, that's unbelievable.
- Please. It gets worse.

After the soup is served,
I look down...

I see seven settings ofsilver
for a six-course meal.

I said, "This meal is going to be over.
There's going to be a forkjust sitting there."

- Anyway, so I thought-
- Boy, you drive fast.

Listen,just in case
you changeyourmind...

I thought you should
have our address.

- Oh, thankyou. Thankyou so much.
- Sure.

- Well, I-
- Kitty, aren't you going to
introduce us toyour friend?

- Oh, hi, I'm Dharma. Dharma Montgomery.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Montgomery. Areyou related?

- Well, yeah, I married Greg.
- Oh, God.

Really? Greg got married!
Come here, honey. Sit right down over here.

- So when wereyou going to tell us?
- That's what the party's for.

- Party?
- Party?

Well, Dharma, you have just
let the cat out ofthe bag.

It was supposed to be
this wonderful surprise.

We were going to have a big reception and
announce it right here at the country club.

Since when?

Dharma, we have
talked about it forever.

Well, we talk about
so many things.

We're very close, you know.

- And you know how we got that way?
- How?

Dharma wanted so to be friends, and we tried
playing tennis, and we tried going to the spa.

And what finallywon my heart
is when Dharma turned to me and said...

"Kitty, you plan
mywedding party."

- That's what it took.
- Hmm.

- [ Both Women ] That's sweet.
- Very sweet.

- I can't help it. She's such a lovebug.
- Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

It will be formal.
Formal, of course.

Dining, dancing,
1 6-piece orchestra.

With the 1 8-piece,
you get coleslaw and a free drink.

[ Chuckles ]
Cut it out.

Anyway, I do need some help
choosing a florist.

- Stephan is excellent.
- Oh, God, no.

- Absolutely. He is.
- No, no, no. He used daisies
at the Turnberrywedding.

- I know.
- That's dreadful.

[ Whispering ] Shh. Mrs. Turnberry-
[ Mouths Words ]

Ha-ha. Madeyou look.

Don't worry.
I'll talk to her.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
[ Snorts ]

You can't talk to her, Greg.
She's, like, possessed.

[ Imitating Kitty]
Did you hear?

Stephan used daisies
at the Turnberrywedding.

Dharma, I'm gonna have to askyou not to
imitate my mother right before we go to bed.

[ Groaning ]

All I wanted was this
really fun party on my roof...

and now it has turned
into this "humungo" country-club thing.

She wants a minister to redo ourvows.
What is that?

I don't know, but haveyou ever
thought it might be kind of nice?

Nice?

Yeah. I mean,
I love that we eloped.

It was the most wonderful, spontaneous thing
I've ever done in my life...

but I feel like maybe we missed
out on something, you know?

Standing up in front of all
our friends and relatives and saying...

"This is the person I'm going to spend
the rest of my life with."

There's something kind
of nice about that.

Ahh.

- Am I just a big ol' girl?
- Yeah.

Butyou're my big ol' girl.

[ Screams ]

Hey, good news.

- He'll do it.
- Change of plans.

The party's now going to be
at Greg's country club.

Cool.

We're gonna have to
getyou a tie.

Give me one good reason I'd attend a wedding
reception at some fascist country club...

run by a bunch of morally
bankrupt fat-cat Republicans...

who care more about capital gains
than starving children?

Free valet parking?

Calm down, Larry.
It is just a party.

He acted this waywhen
I wanted to be a Girl Scout.

It's a paramilitary organization
with cookies.

Dharma, talk to me.

Was I such a bad parent?
Is that whyyou feel a need to rebel?

- I'm not rebelling, Larry.
- Come on.

Firstyou run off
and marry a U.S. attorney.

Now there's the big country-club wedding.
Next thing you know...

she'll get a social security number.

I got one.

What? Why?

I opened a checking account.

Areyou insane? You're on the grid now.
They can find you anywhere.

- Who's they?
- You.

You know,
maybe it would be a good idea...

to take a moment and all join hands
and center ourselves.

I don't want to center myself. I wanna be
right here where I am on the edge...

the perimeter,
the borderline that divides us...

from those who would enslave us
and have us run their machines!

Oh, man, we should
never have had this conversation...

with Mars in retrograde.

- I'll go talk to him.
- No, let me.

- [ Sighs ]
- I don't understand.

Why can't people know that this party
is supposed to be about us?

I know it. I know.

Ah, Dharma.
Soyou know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna write a wedding song
just aboutyou and Greg.

Thanks, Abby. Yeah.

I figure it'll be a nice way for people to hear
how my dulcimer lessons are comin' along.

- Mr. Finkelstein?
- Yeah?

What areyou growing?

Oregano.

- Oregano?
- Yeah. Oregano.

- Whatever. That's not why I'm here.
- It's oregano!

Fine. Uh, look,
Mr. Finkelstein.

- I know my parents are kind of
taking this whole thing over-
- Look!

You can smell it ifyou want.

No, I don't want.

I just wanted to come out here
and say that I'm very sorry about all this...

but ifyou and Abby
don't come to the party-

Hey, Abby does her thing,
I do my thing.

We're not feeble-minded zombies
chained to the oars...

of some patriarchal galley ship
destined foryesterday.

Okay, I can dig that.

My point is,
ifyou don't come to the party...

Dharma's gonna be really hurt.

Look, Greg...

the last thing in the world
I want to do is upset my daughter.

But there's absolutely no way
I can attend a party like that.

Okay. What kind of party
could you attend?

What do you mean he wants
the waiters to eat with us?

Well, my dad just feels like
they should celebrate too.

And, uh, he doesn't
want them to wear uniforms.

Oh, good Lord.
Then they're just guests!

Gregory, this is
completely unacceptable.

Hold on. I think I can get Mr. Finkelstein
to agree to the uniforms...

ifyou were open to, say,
a small tasteful...

gong ceremony.

Small tasteful what?

Gong ceremony. You know,
everyone goes, "Gong, gong, gong."

- You know, like at Christmas.
- Like at Christmas.

An orchestra? What happened to
the EdgarWinter Band?

Larry, we traded them
foryin-yang butter patties.

What? When did we do that?

Thirty seconds ago, Larry.

Have some more oregano,
Mr. Finkelstein.

You know, I grow oregano.

You know, listen.
We're cool with the orchestra...

as long as each guest is still bringing in
a canned food item for the poor.

Oh, um, Abby...

Greg's parents
weren't real keen on that.

[ Scoffs ]

Whoa, Dharma.

What kind of people are these?
I'm sorry.

But geez, next thing you know you're
gonna be telling me they're serving veal.

God, no, theywould
never do that.

No, no.

Oh, good God!
Just tell them it's chicken.

Free-range chicken?

Who cares?

We do.

Oh, bull squirt.
Who's paying for this?

Fine. Throw that in my face.

Don't talk about money.
It's vulgar.

No, that's okay.
I'm the father ofthe bride.

I'll pay for this shindig.
What's it gonna cost?

- $40,000.
- Really?

Well, you could probably
use it as a write-off.

You know, we could save some money
ifwe had it, like, outside.

I was thinking in a beautiful park,
maybe with a Renaissance theme.

And perhaps I could find
a maypole and hang myself.

Hey, tell your old lady
not to talk to her that way.

Tell your husband
I'm not an old lady.

- He's not my husband.
- Oh, my God.

What am I going to
put on the invitations?

- He's my old man.
- How about Abby O'Neil and Larry Finkelstein?

[ All Arguing ]

- Will somebody please tell me
what a maypole costs?
- [ Greg Whistles ]

That's it!

Here's what
we are going to do!

- The ceremonywill be at the country club.
- Thankyou.

- With a macrobiotic buffet.
- Yes!

- The men will wear tuxedos.
- Very good.

Or formal dashikis.

Right on.

Any further details, disputes
or points of contention...

will be arbitrated
by the bride and groom...

to wit, Greg and myself.

Any anyone who doesn't like it
can kiss my shinywhite bridal heinie.

- Are we clear?
- [ All ] Clear.

- Good!
- Uh-

- Abby?
- What about the cleansing ceremony?

What is a cleansing ceremony?

The, um, bride and groom
have to bathe in freshwater...

before they get dressed
and take theirvows.

So maybe we could use one ofthose little
ponds that they have on the golf course?

You can't just go bathe
in a water hazard.

- Why not?
- [Kitty] Because it's absurd!

[Abby]
What's absurd is having a union ofisouls...

without fiirst purifying
the spirit.

So, you people are just
com plete wei rdos, is that it?

- [ Screams ]
- Yeah.

- Do you believe them?
- Not really.

- [ Sighs ] Promise me something.
- Anything.

When we have babies,
we will never tell any ofthose people.

Deal.

- We were so close.
- I know.

Then your mother had to come up
with that flaky cleansing ceremony.

Flaky?

Bad choice ofwords.
It's, um-

Oh, come on.
It's flaky.

- That is so close-minded.
- Oh, come on, Dharma.

I went with the batik cummerbunds.
I went with the organic carrot cake.

Carob. Car-ob.

Whatever. But I'm not
flopping around naked...

in a water hazard in front ofthe entire staff
ofthe U.S. Attorney's office!

Oh, but I'm supposed
to parade out...

in my big, poofywhite dress in front of
all of my lesbian friends from Berkeley?

Well, maybe we should just
call the whole thing off!.

- Yeah, maybe we should.
- Fine!

Okay, let's make up.

What?

I'm done arguing.
Let's make up.

- But we haven't resolved anything. Nobodywon.
- Good point. You win.

- Butyou can't just do that.
- Okay, I win.

- No, you don't!
- Boy, you really love to argue, don'tyou?

- I do not.
- Then stop it.

- But we're not done yet.
- Yes, we are.

- No, we're not.
- I love you.

- What?
- I love you.

Oh, man, you really don't play
by the rules, do you?

- Nope.
- I love you too.

- So you'll do the cleansing ceremony?
- Not in this lifetime.

Okay, butyou said
that last lifetime.

- Hey, it's raining.
- Want to go inside?

You don't go insidewhen it rains.
You make love when it rains.

- Who told you that?
- Some big blonde goofball.

- Shut up!
- No, you shut up.