Original subtitles

My hole is fine. Thank you for your concern.

Yes, my hole is whole again after last week's misadventure.

If you will recall, I took a different strategy

and leaned kink-forward in the apps,

and that led to me getting Thai bowed in the sausage oven,

so I had a leave of absence.

During that brief hiatus, I decided to take a different tack

and render my profile entirely PG

but include the word frisky

in the description of my potential partner

in order to leave some subtle indication

that surprise, surprise,

sexuality is important in a relationship.

I know, what a shock.

That minor course correction led to me matching with Neil.

Neil seems to have a grasp on the right level of flirtation

to both capture and hold my attention.

Daft at innuendo and no stranger to the devil emoji,

he was also quick to meet up in person,

which I always prefer over the constant back and forth

that ultimately leads to nudes or nowhere.

He is also hitting the right amount of heteronomativity

that I like in a potential match because,

despite all of the advances that our community has made

and rejecting the traditional gender roles

that have so often influenced our relationships,

I still like a man that treats me like a lady.

Now, is that an outdated point of view?

Sure, but I am simply too old and too tired

to acclimate myself to the new relationship models

where I can be completely content

dating a non-binary pansexual from Williamsburg

named Blueberry who's not into using labels

despite all of the labels they use to identify themselves.

If that's your jam, more power to you,

but as for me, I'm going to continue to delight

in the more traditional gestures

of Neil holding the door for me and buying me a drink

because that is how you drop Danny's panties, folks.

So, frisky, huh?

So, that's what stood out to you?

Uh, from your profile, yes.

Currently, what's sticking out to me

is how that shirt of yours accents yours tits.

Frisky enough for you?

I actually like to refer to them as pecs.

If I have anything on my body that resembles tits,

then I need to get into a calorie deficit

as soon as possible.

- How was work? - Good pivot.

Well, I had a hard time concentrating

knowing that I was meeting you tonight.

That's very sweet.

So, do you have any deal breakers

you want to address up top?

Do you want kids?

Unfortunately, I'm barren.

- Oh, hostile womb. - Hostile everything.

But just because it's futile doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

So, you're an optimist.

But fortunately for you, I don't want them either,

which I think is my only deal breaker.

Then I guess it's time start planning the wedding.

- Well, hey, fucker. - Matty, Neil. Neil, Matty.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is it Matthew tonight?

What's up?

Uh, just enjoying your friend's company.

Take it you two are friends?

- No. - Okay.

You know what?

I think I am going to take this opportunity

to use the restroom.

Excuse me a second. - Of course.

Well, well, well, interesting seeing you in daylight.

You know, I do have a life outside of your bedroom.

Sounds boring.

- Are you on a date? - Indeed I am.

- Going well? - I think so.

- Does he? - Why wouldn't he?

Well, I assume at some point you open your mouth.

I am delightful and charming, you walking jizz factory.

Sure you are.

Sure you are.

I have half a mind to shit on his dick.

So, your place or mine?

Well, you will be going to your place,

and I will be going to mine.

Oh, you're not gonna let me suck on your titties?

Not now, I'm not. Can we please save that for date two?

Only if I can kiss you goodnight.

Looking forward to that second date.

See, that's how you do it.

That is how you balance horny and restraint.

A little bit of sizzle, a little tease,

but don't give it all away at the start.

Why is that so hard?

I feel like any other guy that I date

who is actually looking for a relationship,

aside from fisty McGee, they would've started stoning me

if I made an advance like that.

All right, all right, this is promising.

And the best part is

I get to rub Matty's smug little face in it.

I'm so horny.

Maybe I should have traded nudes with Neil.

No, no, no. Good things come to those who wait to cum.

Oh, do you want to watch that goblin porn with me?

Dear Lord, that's a good one. Oh, uh.

No, no, no. I must stand firm.

I can't let something with potential

turn into another one and done.

All right, Neil.

You send me as many pictures

of that beautiful anaconda as you want,

but you're waiting until next time.

Well, I did just get home,

which technically ends our first date.

So if I came over right now,

it would technically be our second date.

Well, you got me there.

Take your clothes off.

Oh, fuck yes, he's a dom.

He keeps getting better and better.

Bring them to me.

Mmmm, oh my God. It's so hot.

- You want me to fuck you? - Fuck yes, sir.

That's why I'm here, isn't it?

You wanted me to come over and fuck you.

- Fuck, yes I did. - Kiss me.

Oh, I could cum right now.

Go get in bed.

Oh, my God, man, make me wait for it.

Oh my God, this is so good. It's so good.

You going do what I tell you?

Oh, fuck yes.

You going to be a good boy, and do what I tell you?

- Fuck yes I am. - Say it.

Say, I'm gonna be a good boy.

I'm going do exactly what you tell me.

Good.

Now get up on those knees, and show me that pussy.

Okay, well, that's a bit much.

Um, I mean, I've encountered this before.

Usually, I say shut the fuck up before my hole seals shut.

But, I mean, this was really hot so far.

And, I mean, I really don't want to lose steam,

but, oh, this is just a lot.

Do you want me to show you my ass?

No, I want you to show me

that pretty

pink

pussy.

Okay, now we're in the realm of science fiction here

because I'm 41.

I haven't looked at it in a while,

but I'm pretty sure it's less pretty and pink

and more slum dog millionaire.

And why do they got to lean on those peas?

Pretty

pink

pussy.

Pussy.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say

that there are words I find sexy

and those I find to be a bit much, right?

Like, if you're getting ready to do anal,

you don't want to be like,

"Fuck yeah, put it in my shitter."

You know, no dumper. No pooper. Right?

I think that's fairly obvious.

And this, this is just really

on the other side of the spectrum.

And you know what?

We can all agree, vaginas and asses,

they're very different, right?

They have different tastes, smells, feels,

not that I've ever done any of that, and functions, risks.

You fuck a vagina, you risk pregnancy.

You fuck an ass, you risk "Shawshank Redemption".

Vaginas expel children. Asses expel waste.

Though judging from the children I've encountered,

it really isn't all that different.

All right, can we, can we negotiate this?

Can we find, like, a happy medium?

Okay, help me workshop.

Oh, bussy is revolting.

That's just as bad as pussy.

Bagina?

No, that sounds like my ass has a drag name.

And, oh, man-cunt sounds like the worst Batman villain.

Tell me that's my pussy, boy.

That's your pu, pu, pu, uh, uh, pussy.

Well, I am glad to see you back in action.

You know, I really hate to say it.

Like, I really hate to say it.

You're not easy to replace.

You were always so nice to me

before I let you cum inside me.

You know, I got to stop taking on new hookup buddies.

The world's gone fucking insane.

Last night, I met up with this dude,

and he had this machine, and it...

It's not like Brian. Brian's hot.

No, this machine, it like...

Would you ever let someone implant an egg in you?

Eggs? What are we, Mother Goose?

Yeah, it like plants an egg in you,

and I don't even know what it's fucking called.

Cleveland omelet?

Whatever happened to just plain fucking?

I will remind you that the last time you were here,

we pretended that you put me under anesthesia.

Okay, okay, that's different.

Is it? Is it?

I don't like this devil's advocate shit.

I prefer you to be judgmental?

Fine, he's gross. Don't fuck chickens.

Yeah, just the pigs.

Well, I guess that means you have come here

to fuck this pussy.

What the fuck are you saying to me?

Can I ask you a question?

I wish you wouldn't.

Do you ever use,

like, have you ever used feminine words during sex?

What are you talking about?

Like, would you ever, would you call it a pussy?

You know what? This is my fault.

I just need to expect you not to be normal.

Can you just answer the fucking question?

Oh, is this new guy calling you his pussy boy?

I mean, not exactly.

You have the worst taste in men.

Nice self-own, genius.

- Can I ask you a question? - I wish you wouldn't.

Why do I even bother with you?

Fuck! Fuck!

Danny. Look at me. Look at me.

Oh, your eyes are so sexy.

Are you close?

- Oh, I'm going to cum. - Wait for me. Wait for me.

Oh fuck, oh fuck!

That was incredible.

I don't...

I don't think you've ever gone twice in a row

without a break before.

I think that's going to be our new normal.

You're really feeling it tonight.

I always feel it.

What time do you think it is?

Like, 10, 11.

Oh, fuck, it's almost one.

No fucking way.

That means it's been three hours.

Would it be okay if I spent the night?

Um, that's pretty intimate.

So is fucking for three hours.

That's pretty intimate for me.

Um, I'd kind of like to save that.

- Okay. - It's nothing personal.

I just, I have not slept in a bed with anybody since my ex.

Yeah, no, it's no biggie. It's late.

I promise it's nothing personal.

It's fine.

We could still cuddle if you want.

Danny, it's 1:00 a.m. I just said it's late.

Well, I don't think 10 minutes is...

Dude, I gotta get to bed.

- Yo, yo, yo. - Thanks. Night.

- Fuck, I want you so bad. - I need you back inside me.

No, no, no, no.

Honey, it is so late and I got to get back.

It takes me like an hour to get home.

Do you want to spend the night?

Are you sure?

- I want you so bad. - Fuck yes.

Do you have a chance to prepare?

Right before dinner.

Good. Now get in bed and give me that delicious cunt.

What?

Can we talk about something for a minute?

Sure.

So, sex with you is incredible.

10 out of 10, no notes.

It's just that, I mean, you're very verbal, which I like.

You know, super hot.

It's that you have referred to...

And you know what? No judgment, no judgment.

You tend to feminize my parts.

You don't like that?

Well, it's just that this all identifies as masculine.

You know, it's pronouns are ass, butt, hole,

and if you're feeling saucy, Eye of Sauron.

So when you refer to it as a...

When you feminize it, it's just very jarring.

Okay, well I can try and back off of it,

but it is kind of part of my sex brain.

Is it too much to ask why?

Well, I think that I like to um... separate

the functions of our bodies.

Say more.

Well, an ass is for certain, you know, biological things.

So, when I have to top,

then I like to sort of put those things aside.

So, when we're not fucking it's a butt,

but when we are, it's a pussy.

A butt is for other things, and a pussy is for me to...

uh, fuck.

Does that make any sense?

You know what? It kind of does.

Now, I don't have any problems differentiating,

but then again, I'm not usually the top

that's gotta stick my dick in there.

But, yeah, I think I can get down with it.

Guys, I'm growing as a person.

I am as surprised as you are. All right, I get it.

Is that okay?

I actually think so.

Now it's gonna be a while

before I can say that kind of shit back to you,

but I can roll with it.

Thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to explain that to me.

It actually really helped.

Good, because I cannot wait to tear those clothes off

and watch you spread those pussy lips.

Okay, can we lean into that slowly?

Yeah.

It's funny, isn't it,

how something that I found utterly revolting

was suddenly palatable once I asked for an explanation?

I mean, he was vulnerable with me,

and I think that brought us closer together.

Sometimes, I forget that people are different.

I know, that's an obvious point.

But I think we all believe that people

are going to behave exactly the same way that we do.

That, you know, whatever's going on in our heads

is the norm and anything else is a deviation therefrom.

Plus, you know, relationships require compromise.

So why would I let something as silly as a word choice

get in the way of something

that otherwise has some really great potential?

Can I walk you to the subway?

Oh, how gentlemanly of you.

Let me change. I will be quick.

Oh, no rush at all.

I just need to pee-pee and poopy first.

Yeah, this is over.

♪ Woke up first as I sleep

♪ Made the coffee 'cause you're sweet as pie ♪

♪ When I wake I see that you're dressed ♪

♪ And I think, oh baby, why

♪ 'Cause I'm lying here and erect ♪

♪ In our bed waiting for you ♪

♪ I do not know what else you'd expect ♪

♪ When you look the way you do

♪ The way you do

♪ You say you wanna catch a flick ♪

♪ See the ladies pick

♪ But what if you got this dick ♪

♪ I'm about to stab you and I would just stay in the bed ♪

♪ It's a lazy Saturday

♪ And the cats away

♪ So I think that the mice shall play ♪

♪ So what if instead you and I would just stay in bed ♪

♪ You say it's cabin fever you want to go out ♪