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1
00:00:10,620 --> 00:00:11,275
Have you bathed?
2
00:00:11,275 --> 00:00:12,172
Yes.
3
00:00:12,172 --> 00:00:13,896
Have you trimmed or
shaved recently?
4
00:00:13,896 --> 00:00:14,793
Yes.
5
00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:15,724
Brushed your teeth?
6
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:16,620
Yep.
7
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:17,482
Cleaned your fingernails?
8
00:00:17,482 --> 00:00:18,379
Yes.
9
00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:20,379
Do you plan on hitting me?
10
00:00:20,379 --> 00:00:21,068
No.
11
00:00:21,068 --> 00:00:21,827
Choking me?
12
00:00:21,827 --> 00:00:22,586
Nope.
13
00:00:22,586 --> 00:00:23,103
Spitting in my face?
14
00:00:23,103 --> 00:00:24,344
No.
15
00:00:24,344 --> 00:00:27,310
Pissing or shitting in any
location other than my toilet?
16
00:00:27,310 --> 00:00:28,482
Ew. No.
17
00:00:28,482 --> 00:00:31,620
Do you plan on calling me
a slut, whore, or faggot?
18
00:00:32,862 --> 00:00:33,965
No?
19
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:36,517
Have you brought
any restraints?
20
00:00:36,517 --> 00:00:39,724
Whips, paddles,
flogging implements?
21
00:00:39,724 --> 00:00:40,586
No.
22
00:00:40,586 --> 00:00:41,310
Sounding rods.
23
00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,172
No.
24
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:43,586
E stimulus devices
of any kind?
25
00:00:43,586 --> 00:00:44,862
No.
26
00:00:44,862 --> 00:00:46,862
Illicit substances,
including but not limited
27
00:00:46,862 --> 00:00:50,103
to E, G, K, molly, or meth?
28
00:00:51,827 --> 00:00:52,689
Poppers?
29
00:00:55,896 --> 00:00:56,517
Are you on prep?
30
00:00:56,517 --> 00:00:57,586
Yes.
31
00:00:57,586 --> 00:00:59,413
Do you get regular
STI screenings?
32
00:00:59,413 --> 00:01:00,551
Yes.
33
00:01:00,551 --> 00:01:02,000
Is there anything
that has appeared
34
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,965
on any of those screenings
that I need to be aware of?
35
00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,655
No. Are we gonna fuck?
36
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:10,517
Are you uncut?
37
00:01:10,517 --> 00:01:11,206
Yes.
38
00:01:11,206 --> 00:01:11,862
Did you clean it?
39
00:01:11,862 --> 00:01:12,965
Yes.
40
00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:14,379
Did you clean it
before you arrived,
41
00:01:14,379 --> 00:01:17,275
not three days ago when you
first smelled baked brie?
42
00:01:17,275 --> 00:01:18,172
Yes.
43
00:01:22,137 --> 00:01:23,379
All right, carry on.
44
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,517
Don't look at me like that.
45
00:01:26,517 --> 00:01:27,862
This is your fault.
46
00:01:27,862 --> 00:01:31,931
Look, I would love nothing
more than to invite a man over
47
00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:33,482
and let nature take its course.
48
00:01:33,482 --> 00:01:37,793
But unfortunately, porn has
moved the Overton window so far.
49
00:01:39,862 --> 00:01:40,655
Sorry.
50
00:01:40,655 --> 00:01:43,068
Second finger. Mm.
51
00:01:43,068 --> 00:01:45,689
Porn has moved the
Overton window so far
52
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:48,448
that I must now
interrogate any hookup
53
00:01:48,448 --> 00:01:50,344
before I let him
anywhere near me
54
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,448
for fear that he is suddenly
going to slap me in the face
55
00:01:53,448 --> 00:01:54,413
and sound me.
56
00:01:55,379 --> 00:01:57,206
Now it's okay to have kinks.
57
00:01:57,206 --> 00:01:58,896
I certainly have a
few of my own.
58
00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:02,793
But despite all
59
00:02:03,965 --> 00:02:06,137
Despite all of the
cultural consciousness
60
00:02:06,137 --> 00:02:08,344
around getting explicit consent,
61
00:02:08,344 --> 00:02:10,482
there seems to be a
glaring blind spot,
62
00:02:10,482 --> 00:02:13,413
which makes you all think
that my consent
63
00:02:13,413 --> 00:02:16,724
to a sexual encounter
allows you to, at any point,
64
00:02:16,724 --> 00:02:19,172
hook electrodes to my balls,
punch me in the throat.
65
00:02:20,379 --> 00:02:24,655
All right, I don't think
it's unreasonable to
66
00:02:27,551 --> 00:02:28,827
I don't think it's unreasonable
67
00:02:28,827 --> 00:02:33,206
to say that consent to sex
is consent to anal, oral,
68
00:02:33,206 --> 00:02:35,931
and vaginal if applicable.
69
00:02:35,931 --> 00:02:37,172
And that everything else
70
00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:40,758
requires an advanced line
item approval process.
71
00:02:40,758 --> 00:02:43,551
And furthermore, if I stop
you from doing anything
72
00:02:43,551 --> 00:02:45,482
that we didn't discuss prior,
73
00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:47,344
that doesn't make me
a kink shamer,
74
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:51,413
that makes you too obtuse
to have sex with me.
75
00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:52,310
Ho!
76
00:02:53,689 --> 00:02:57,862
Hey! Jim Henson, that
better not be a knuckle.
77
00:02:58,862 --> 00:03:01,206
Come on, you were so close.
78
00:03:01,206 --> 00:03:02,241
Take it out.
79
00:03:02,241 --> 00:03:03,517
Slowly.
80
00:03:06,793 --> 00:03:09,448
In his defense, my name
on the apps is Miss Piggy.
81
00:03:10,551 --> 00:03:13,344
And then on the dating
side of the equation,
82
00:03:13,344 --> 00:03:15,275
you can't mention sex at all.
83
00:03:15,275 --> 00:03:16,793
Certainly not in your profile
84
00:03:16,793 --> 00:03:18,793
or within the first
couple of dates
85
00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:22,103
because if you do, you
aren't taking this seriously
86
00:03:22,103 --> 00:03:24,689
or you are not really
looking for love.
87
00:03:24,689 --> 00:03:25,551
Nope.
88
00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:27,344
You're wasting this
poor man's time
89
00:03:27,344 --> 00:03:28,517
by trying to get your hands
90
00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:31,379
on his precious,
precious pee pee.
91
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:35,586
Because apparently when you're
looking to find one person
92
00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:38,068
to have sex with for
the rest of your life,
93
00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:40,586
sex can't be a
determining factor.
94
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:42,137
Nope.
95
00:03:42,137 --> 00:03:44,827
What's important is the
relationship he has with his
mother,
96
00:03:44,827 --> 00:03:47,413
not the one he has with
his own libido.
97
00:03:47,413 --> 00:03:49,896
I mean, maybe in his profile
he begrudgingly writes,
98
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:53,137
"I'm a top if that matters."
99
00:03:53,137 --> 00:03:54,620
Of course it fucking matters!
100
00:03:55,758 --> 00:03:58,689
And so you spend the next
two months having nothing
101
00:03:58,689 --> 00:04:01,586
but vanilla sex until the day
comes where he's all like...
102
00:04:01,586 --> 00:04:05,172
So do you want to try
something
a little bit more spicy?
103
00:04:05,172 --> 00:04:05,931
And then asks...
104
00:04:05,931 --> 00:04:07,241
Do you have any kinks?
105
00:04:07,241 --> 00:04:09,275
At which point you start
revealing your true self,
106
00:04:09,275 --> 00:04:12,413
your true horrifying
sexual self.
107
00:04:13,827 --> 00:04:16,620
Because the assumption is
that your kinks are shameful
108
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:19,310
and something to be
embarrassed by,
109
00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:21,862
you're really only left
with one of two options.
110
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,586
Option one, keep your dirty
little secrets to yourself
111
00:04:25,586 --> 00:04:27,827
and tell your kinks to no one.
112
00:04:27,827 --> 00:04:29,620
Well, except all of
the friends you've made
113
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:31,655
on the dark web at 3:00 AM.
114
00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:34,275
Or two, you do reveal
them to your partner,
115
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:36,482
but only after they are
invested enough
116
00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:38,862
in that prim and proper
version of you
117
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:42,310
that you face a far lower
risk of them fleeing.
118
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,551
So in that scenario, you're
already invested enough
119
00:04:46,551 --> 00:04:47,862
and spent enough time together
120
00:04:47,862 --> 00:04:51,172
that you finally feel
comfortable rolling the dice
121
00:04:51,172 --> 00:04:52,482
and revealing that
you're actually
122
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,000
into that animated goblin porn
123
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,896
where a ginger viking is
gang raped by a bunch of orcs
124
00:04:57,896 --> 00:05:00,862
with corkscrew cocks twice the
size of their little bodies,
125
00:05:00,862 --> 00:05:01,965
and you've wondered
126
00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,241
if they make a waterproof
green body paint
127
00:05:04,241 --> 00:05:05,758
that's good for internal use
128
00:05:05,758 --> 00:05:07,379
that you could pick up
from a Rubies
129
00:05:07,379 --> 00:05:09,448
on your way home
from spin class.
130
00:05:09,448 --> 00:05:11,793
And at that point, they're
either down to clown,
131
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:14,862
they like you enough to shove
that down the memory hole,
132
00:05:14,862 --> 00:05:16,931
or more often than not...
133
00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:25,689
And so in summation,
134
00:05:25,689 --> 00:05:27,137
if you're anywhere on
the spectrum
135
00:05:27,137 --> 00:05:31,655
between Dr. Chaste Meridian
or slurper of cummy bathwater,
136
00:05:31,655 --> 00:05:32,620
you're fucked.
137
00:05:37,275 --> 00:05:40,000
So in the meantime, get
yourself a Matty.
138
00:05:50,827 --> 00:05:52,275
What are you doing
for Thanksgiving?
139
00:05:52,275 --> 00:05:53,620
Nothing. You?
140
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,724
Nothing. My family's trash.
141
00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:56,793
Oh, mine too.
142
00:05:56,793 --> 00:05:59,000
My family's that little
turkey over there.
143
00:06:04,034 --> 00:06:05,000
Do you want to do something?
144
00:06:06,448 --> 00:06:09,379
Well, I mean, what's
Thanksgiving without a stuffing?
145
00:06:10,517 --> 00:06:12,827
There's a good Korean
barbecue by my place.
146
00:06:12,827 --> 00:06:17,448
I could bring some over
if you wanted.
147
00:06:17,448 --> 00:06:19,413
So then we would fuck first?
148
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,000
Yeah. Yeah.
149
00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:23,551
All right, well then I guess
150
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,034
that means we're gonna
do what, delivery guy?
151
00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:27,896
I don't think we have
done that one yet.
152
00:06:27,896 --> 00:06:31,482
Or we could just play
two gay people
153
00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:33,758
who want to have sex
with each other
154
00:06:35,241 --> 00:06:38,517
and then we do.
155
00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:42,068
Matty, that's demented.
156
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,448
I don't know that, I think
that's a little far for me.
157
00:06:44,448 --> 00:06:47,517
Well, maybe it's time
to step outside
158
00:06:47,517 --> 00:06:49,068
of your comfort zone.
159
00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:51,655
I suppose. Um...
160
00:06:51,655 --> 00:06:54,827
Oh, could I like close my eyes
and pretend you're my uncle?
161
00:06:57,448 --> 00:07:00,482
Yep. Whatever's gonna
get you there.
162
00:07:09,310 --> 00:07:11,931
Whenever I find someone who's
into the same kinks as I am,
163
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,655
I find it hard to do
anything with them
164
00:07:14,655 --> 00:07:16,965
other than that specific thing
165
00:07:16,965 --> 00:07:18,551
'cause not everybody who
likes role play
166
00:07:18,551 --> 00:07:19,862
is actually any good at it.
167
00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:23,517
So I kind of want to use
Matty up until he leaves me
168
00:07:23,517 --> 00:07:24,931
'cause, you know,
let's be honest,
169
00:07:24,931 --> 00:07:27,620
at some point he's gonna get
tired of the old work horse,
170
00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:31,551
and he's gonna move on to some
halfwit twink cum receptacle
171
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,482
who demands absolutely
nothing of him
172
00:07:33,482 --> 00:07:36,206
and gives him that
mutual lack of commitment
173
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:39,000
that you all seem to want in
your relationship these days.
174
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,000
So until then, I'm gonna
continue to use him
175
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,827
to substitute the romantic
intimacy that I want
176
00:07:44,827 --> 00:07:48,310
with the kind of emotional
connection you can only get
177
00:07:48,310 --> 00:07:49,827
between a rookie on
the soccer team
178
00:07:49,827 --> 00:07:53,827
and his sex starved coach who's
going through a bad divorce,
179
00:07:53,827 --> 00:07:56,241
'cause that seems to be
as good as it's gonna get
180
00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,137
for old Danny.
181
00:07:58,931 --> 00:08:02,758
So imagine my surprise that
during a recent cradle robbery,
182
00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:06,172
Craig here told me that he
shared the same dilemma.
183
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:08,551
All right, let's do this.
184
00:08:08,551 --> 00:08:09,931
Oh, okay.
185
00:08:09,931 --> 00:08:11,137
Do you wanna order the queso?
186
00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:14,172
No, I mean, let's get
fucking into it.
187
00:08:14,172 --> 00:08:16,275
All cards on the table.
188
00:08:16,275 --> 00:08:18,206
What do you need from a partner?
189
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,344
Direct.
190
00:08:19,344 --> 00:08:24,379
Okay. Loving, loyal, and
makes me laugh.
191
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,793
What about you?
192
00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:30,103
Reliable, funny, horny, kinky.
193
00:08:30,103 --> 00:08:31,103
Oh, you meant all cards.
194
00:08:31,103 --> 00:08:33,758
Would you like to
amend your answer?
195
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:36,724
See, there are some things
196
00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,517
that are good about
dating a younger guy.
197
00:08:39,517 --> 00:08:40,275
Some.
198
00:08:41,551 --> 00:08:45,000
All right, how about loving,
loyal, funny,
199
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:49,482
and wants to fuck my brains
out on a very regular basis.
200
00:08:49,482 --> 00:08:50,379
Just yours?
201
00:08:50,379 --> 00:08:51,241
Yes.
202
00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:52,137
Good.
203
00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:55,655
Pretty ballsy to bring that up
204
00:08:55,655 --> 00:08:57,620
before we even order
the appetizers.
205
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,000
Well, we're not
getting any younger.
206
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,413
Why waste the time if we
don't even meet the basics?
207
00:09:02,413 --> 00:09:05,241
Well, you will be young
for quite a while longer.
208
00:09:05,241 --> 00:09:06,482
I, on the other hand...
209
00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:08,379
It's a good thing
there's nothing I love more
210
00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:09,931
than an obedient daddy.
211
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,344
Okay, so I feel like
I do need to reiterate
212
00:09:15,344 --> 00:09:18,000
that I am looking for a loving,
committed,
213
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,034
substantial relationship.
214
00:09:19,034 --> 00:09:20,137
Same.
215
00:09:20,137 --> 00:09:21,724
And when you bring
sex up too early-
216
00:09:21,724 --> 00:09:22,827
It just becomes
another hookup.
217
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:24,310
Yeah, I know the drill.
218
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:27,344
But sex is a big part of my
life, and I need to make sure
219
00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:29,793
that any potential partner
feels the same way.
220
00:09:30,689 --> 00:09:32,896
You consider yourself
a kinky guy?
221
00:09:35,344 --> 00:09:37,862
I think you can
consider that box checked.
222
00:09:37,862 --> 00:09:39,586
Ooh, I'm intrigued.
223
00:09:39,586 --> 00:09:40,620
What are they?
224
00:09:40,620 --> 00:09:42,862
And this is the point
I start being honest
225
00:09:42,862 --> 00:09:44,448
and you lose interest.
226
00:09:44,448 --> 00:09:45,379
Try me.
227
00:09:48,724 --> 00:09:52,482
All right, um, my stuff
is pretty much
228
00:09:52,482 --> 00:09:53,965
all based in fantasy.
229
00:09:53,965 --> 00:09:57,275
It's like little scenes,
little skits, little scenarios,
230
00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:59,896
maybe some like wardrobe
that goes along with it.
231
00:09:59,896 --> 00:10:01,896
Blindfolds, bondage.
232
00:10:01,896 --> 00:10:05,655
Cool, cool. But like
what are your kinks?
233
00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:10,724
Call it role play and bondage.
234
00:10:12,137 --> 00:10:15,206
Okay, let's try and go at
this from the other side.
235
00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:16,482
What are your hard lines?
236
00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:17,758
Oh.
237
00:10:17,758 --> 00:10:21,896
No hitting, no choking, no
insults, no blood, no sounding,
238
00:10:21,896 --> 00:10:23,068
no pissing, no shitting.
239
00:10:23,068 --> 00:10:25,344
Wait, I thought you said
you were kinky?
240
00:10:25,344 --> 00:10:27,758
Up until this moment, I
thought I was.
241
00:10:27,758 --> 00:10:28,620
That's cute.
242
00:10:29,275 --> 00:10:30,413
So what you're saying
243
00:10:30,413 --> 00:10:32,413
is you're not gonna let
me fist you then?
244
00:10:34,482 --> 00:10:37,241
So if you had asked me up top,
245
00:10:37,241 --> 00:10:38,827
where do you think this
date is gonna end?
246
00:10:38,827 --> 00:10:42,344
I probably wouldn't have said
me sitting on Craig's lap
247
00:10:42,344 --> 00:10:44,482
while I sing and he drinks
from a glass of water.
248
00:10:44,482 --> 00:10:46,655
Because that's kind
of my big thing.
249
00:10:46,655 --> 00:10:47,862
Total fisting top.
250
00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:52,448
And gotta be honest, it's
kind of a deal breaker for me.
251
00:10:54,793 --> 00:10:56,655
So my instinct is
to tell Craig
252
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:59,344
that I'm not on speaking
terms with the silent ducky,
253
00:10:59,344 --> 00:11:02,586
but I have been
complaining a lot recently
254
00:11:02,586 --> 00:11:03,965
of how I can't find someone
255
00:11:03,965 --> 00:11:06,482
who's both interested in
an actual relationship
256
00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:08,275
and an adventurous sex life,
257
00:11:08,275 --> 00:11:12,206
so maybe I need to be a
little more open.
258
00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:14,965
Well, a lot more open.
259
00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:20,689
Let's say that I am
fist curious.
260
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:25,896
All right, I think I can
work with that.
261
00:11:25,896 --> 00:11:28,275
But as much as I
appreciate the candor,
262
00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:29,758
can we put a bookmark here
263
00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:34,241
and maybe try to regain a bit
of the romantic first date?
264
00:11:34,241 --> 00:11:35,379
Sure.
265
00:11:39,517 --> 00:11:40,827
Well, this is awkward.
266
00:11:44,103 --> 00:11:44,655
Why?
267
00:11:45,862 --> 00:11:48,931
I don't think I've ever
met you at the door before.
268
00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:51,000
What about the first time?
269
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,517
No. I think I left
it unlocked.
270
00:11:52,517 --> 00:11:55,000
I was waiting for you in
the bedroom on my knees.
271
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,000
Ah, right. That was hot.
272
00:12:05,413 --> 00:12:06,448
Next time.
273
00:12:20,137 --> 00:12:21,000
You like the wine?
274
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,517
Have you ever fisted anyone?
275
00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:26,517
Why can't we ever just
have a normal conversation?
276
00:12:27,655 --> 00:12:30,896
Fine. How was your week?
277
00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,551
It was not bad.
278
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:36,275
It started off busy, but then
as the week went on it got-
279
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:37,172
Oh my god, amazing.
280
00:12:37,172 --> 00:12:38,655
Have you ever fisted anyone?
281
00:12:43,965 --> 00:12:44,862
Yes.
282
00:12:44,862 --> 00:12:45,586
Did you like it?
283
00:12:46,482 --> 00:12:49,413
I neither liked nor
disliked it.
284
00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:51,310
I like that he liked it.
285
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,068
Okay, I get that.
286
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,172
Would you ever get fisted?
287
00:12:55,172 --> 00:12:56,000
Get the fuck away from me!
288
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,275
Not by me!
289
00:12:57,275 --> 00:12:59,344
The only thing that goes
near me is toilet paper.
290
00:12:59,344 --> 00:13:00,172
And even that.
291
00:13:00,172 --> 00:13:01,103
Hey!
292
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:03,000
Kidding.
293
00:13:05,965 --> 00:13:09,379
Danny, is someone
trying to fist you?
294
00:13:09,379 --> 00:13:10,448
Oh God.
295
00:13:13,965 --> 00:13:16,275
I want you to show
me on the dolly
296
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,344
where someone tried to fist you.
297
00:13:18,344 --> 00:13:19,448
I went on a date
and it came up.
298
00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:21,034
What do you mean it came up?
299
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,620
What the fucked kind of fucked
up dates are you going on?
300
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:25,517
Adult dates where adults
talk about adult things!
301
00:13:25,517 --> 00:13:26,965
You would not understand.
302
00:13:28,172 --> 00:13:32,793
We laid our kink cards out
on the table a little early.
303
00:13:32,793 --> 00:13:34,896
He said he's really
into fisting,
304
00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:37,931
and he kind of needs it
from a partner.
305
00:13:39,379 --> 00:13:42,034
Is he the fistee
or the fisted?
306
00:13:42,862 --> 00:13:45,034
Fistee. Tee.
307
00:13:45,586 --> 00:13:46,931
Fistee.
308
00:13:51,275 --> 00:13:52,620
You can take it.
309
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:55,000
Yeah, but I have a concern.
310
00:13:55,758 --> 00:13:57,137
How do I say this delicately?
311
00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,344
Do I have to worry about
having a blown out cow pussy?
312
00:14:00,344 --> 00:14:02,517
Because what if we
don't work out?
313
00:14:02,517 --> 00:14:03,413
I'm back on the market.
314
00:14:03,413 --> 00:14:04,758
I have a flat tire.
315
00:14:05,551 --> 00:14:06,758
It goes back.
316
00:14:07,344 --> 00:14:08,448
It what?
317
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,931
It goes back. It goes
back to normal.
318
00:14:10,931 --> 00:14:11,793
Oh.
319
00:14:11,793 --> 00:14:12,896
I thought it might be
one of those
320
00:14:12,896 --> 00:14:14,379
if you keep making that face,
321
00:14:14,379 --> 00:14:15,758
it's gonna stay that
way situations.
322
00:14:15,758 --> 00:14:17,206
No, it's a sphincter.
323
00:14:17,206 --> 00:14:19,172
It expands. It contracts.
324
00:14:20,655 --> 00:14:23,482
All that talk about being
stretched out,
325
00:14:23,482 --> 00:14:25,758
that's just carried over
inherent cultural misogyny
326
00:14:25,758 --> 00:14:28,137
about women being
considered less than
327
00:14:28,137 --> 00:14:29,793
because they're loose.
328
00:14:32,862 --> 00:14:33,758
Ew.
329
00:14:34,827 --> 00:14:35,482
What?
330
00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:37,172
Don't be hung and smart.
331
00:14:37,172 --> 00:14:38,448
Hey.
332
00:14:51,827 --> 00:14:52,689
Shall we?
333
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,068
Let's do it.
334
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,206
You show me yours, I'll
show you mine.
335
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:02,827
All right. So...
336
00:15:05,206 --> 00:15:06,448
Show me what you got.
337
00:15:08,206 --> 00:15:11,241
All right, so we've got this.
338
00:15:12,241 --> 00:15:14,034
Sleep mask blindfoldy thing,
339
00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:17,793
and then these cuffs hook up
to a bed restraint system.
340
00:15:18,758 --> 00:15:19,620
Cute.
341
00:15:20,137 --> 00:15:21,206
Okay.
342
00:15:21,206 --> 00:15:25,482
I have got a harness,
some more cuffs,
343
00:15:25,482 --> 00:15:28,551
and an assortment of cock rings.
344
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:29,448
Metal.
345
00:15:29,448 --> 00:15:30,793
Well, they go with
the harness.
346
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:32,068
No, it's hot. It's hot.
347
00:15:32,068 --> 00:15:33,413
What else?
348
00:15:33,413 --> 00:15:38,620
All right, so we've got
Baby, Ginger, Posh, Sporty,
349
00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:40,655
and Scary.
350
00:15:43,586 --> 00:15:47,689
The tickler, the stretcher,
and Buzz Lightyear.
351
00:15:51,896 --> 00:15:52,724
Okay.
352
00:15:53,896 --> 00:15:58,413
My dear friends, Jake, Heath,
and Jango.
353
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:05,862
And the piece de resistance,
the showstopper, Brian.
354
00:16:14,344 --> 00:16:15,655
It was a long pandemic.
355
00:16:18,724 --> 00:16:19,551
My turn?
356
00:16:19,551 --> 00:16:20,241
Yeah.
357
00:16:20,241 --> 00:16:21,310
Okay.
358
00:16:41,206 --> 00:16:42,482
Mom!
359
00:16:43,965 --> 00:16:47,344
Okay, Danny, I've got some
nice chicken soup for ya.
360
00:16:48,862 --> 00:16:51,344
So c-cold.
361
00:16:55,413 --> 00:16:57,137
That reminds me.
362
00:16:57,137 --> 00:16:58,896
It's time to change
your ice pack.
363
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,275
Ooh. Hot potato, hot potato.
364
00:17:02,275 --> 00:17:03,793
That's going in the freezer.
365
00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:07,448
They were like um...
366
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:09,482
But like um...
367
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,689
Hands but not hands.
368
00:17:14,689 --> 00:17:18,965
Um, and then, oh, the one
with the spikes.
369
00:17:20,896 --> 00:17:21,862
Oh, the red one.
370
00:17:23,379 --> 00:17:25,103
Not the red one!
371
00:17:25,103 --> 00:17:26,000
Oh, the red one.
372
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,241
Not the red one!
373
00:17:27,241 --> 00:17:30,758
Okay, let's see what's
streaming? Hmm?
374
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:34,551
Something wholesome and
innocent and...
375
00:17:34,551 --> 00:17:36,241
They've got classic
Sesame Street.
376
00:17:36,241 --> 00:17:37,275
No Muppets!
377
00:17:37,275 --> 00:17:39,827
No Muppets, no Muppets,
no Muppets.
378
00:17:39,827 --> 00:17:42,000
Okay. Okay.
379
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,310
No Muppets.
380
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:48,068
Something where everyone's
hands are visible at all times.
381
00:17:51,206 --> 00:17:53,068
Matty said it'll go back.
382
00:17:54,034 --> 00:17:56,965
It'll go back, right? Right?
383
00:17:56,965 --> 00:17:58,310
Yeah. Yeah.
384
00:17:58,310 --> 00:17:59,862
I'm sure it'll go back. Yeah.
385
00:18:13,724 --> 00:18:15,172
I don't know what the
fuck you're laughing at.
386
00:18:15,172 --> 00:18:17,137
Oh my god, this is incredible.
387
00:18:19,206 --> 00:18:21,000
You're the one not
topping tonight.
388
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,413
This is okay.
389
00:18:22,413 --> 00:18:24,896
It's so much better.
390
00:18:24,896 --> 00:18:27,551
Oh, your poor little
balloon knot.
391
00:18:27,551 --> 00:18:29,172
I'm glad my pain amuses you.
392
00:18:29,172 --> 00:18:30,655
Oh, it does.
393
00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:34,413
It really truly does.
394
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:36,758
Come here. Come here.
395
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,965
I think somebody's eyes
were bigger than their hole.
396
00:18:42,965 --> 00:18:45,275
No, no. Okay, okay, okay.
397
00:18:45,275 --> 00:18:46,448
I'll stop.
398
00:18:50,137 --> 00:18:51,275
We could have rain checked.
399
00:18:51,275 --> 00:18:52,206
Nah.
400
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,137
This is nice.
401
00:18:57,103 --> 00:19:00,310
Plus you still have two
free hands and a mouth.
402
00:19:00,310 --> 00:19:02,000
You are the fucking worst.
403
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,965
Yeah, and it's what
you deserve.
404
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,724
Hey, can I put my ear next to it
405
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:11,379
and see if I can hear the ocean?
406
00:19:11,379 --> 00:19:13,241
Oh my god.
407
00:19:13,241 --> 00:19:16,000
Get away from me!
408
00:19:20,448 --> 00:19:23,448
♪ Ooh baby
409
00:19:23,448 --> 00:19:27,689
♪ Could've please you more
410
00:19:27,689 --> 00:19:32,965
♪ My knees are on the floor ♪
411
00:19:34,862 --> 00:19:40,034
♪ Won't you please
have your way ♪
412
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,965
♪ I'd do what you say
413
00:19:49,068 --> 00:19:53,655
♪ Tonight have turned away
414
00:19:53,655 --> 00:19:58,931
♪ But if you ever see the day ♪
415
00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:06,620
♪ The way to put me
back in the mood ♪
416
00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:13,103
♪ Is if you tell me what to do
417
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:21,931
♪ Baby, just sit
418
00:20:24,172 --> 00:20:26,241
♪ The candles are lit
29345
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