Original subtitles

Have you bathed?

Yes.

Have you trimmed or shaved recently?

Yes.

Brushed your teeth?

Yep.

Cleaned your fingernails?

Yes.

Do you plan on hitting me?

No.

Choking me?

Nope.

Spitting in my face?

No.

Pissing or shitting in any location other than my toilet?

Ew. No.

Do you plan on calling me a slut, whore, or faggot?

No?

Have you brought any restraints?

Whips, paddles, flogging implements?

No.

Sounding rods.

No.

E stimulus devices of any kind?

No.

Illicit substances, including but not limited

to E, G, K, molly, or meth?

Poppers?

Are you on prep?

Yes.

Do you get regular STI screenings?

Yes.

Is there anything that has appeared

on any of those screenings that I need to be aware of?

No. Are we gonna fuck?

Are you uncut?

Yes.

Did you clean it?

Yes.

Did you clean it before you arrived,

not three days ago when you first smelled baked brie?

Yes.

All right, carry on.

Don't look at me like that.

This is your fault.

Look, I would love nothing more than to invite a man over

and let nature take its course.

But unfortunately, porn has moved the Overton window so far.

Sorry.

Second finger. Mm.

Porn has moved the Overton window so far

that I must now interrogate any hookup

before I let him anywhere near me

for fear that he is suddenly going to slap me in the face

and sound me.

Now it's okay to have kinks.

I certainly have a few of my own.

But despite all

Despite all of the cultural consciousness

around getting explicit consent,

there seems to be a glaring blind spot,

which makes you all think that my consent

to a sexual encounter allows you to, at any point,

hook electrodes to my balls, punch me in the throat.

All right, I don't think it's unreasonable to

I don't think it's unreasonable

to say that consent to sex is consent to anal, oral,

and vaginal if applicable.

And that everything else

requires an advanced line item approval process.

And furthermore, if I stop you from doing anything

that we didn't discuss prior,

that doesn't make me a kink shamer,

that makes you too obtuse to have sex with me.

Ho!

Hey! Jim Henson, that better not be a knuckle.

Come on, you were so close.

Take it out.

Slowly.

In his defense, my name on the apps is Miss Piggy.

And then on the dating side of the equation,

you can't mention sex at all.

Certainly not in your profile

or within the first couple of dates

because if you do, you aren't taking this seriously

or you are not really looking for love.

Nope.

You're wasting this poor man's time

by trying to get your hands

on his precious, precious pee pee.

Because apparently when you're looking to find one person

to have sex with for the rest of your life,

sex can't be a determining factor.

Nope.

What's important is the relationship he has with his mother,

not the one he has with his own libido.

I mean, maybe in his profile he begrudgingly writes,

"I'm a top if that matters."

Of course it fucking matters!

And so you spend the next two months having nothing

but vanilla sex until the day comes where he's all like...

So do you want to try something a little bit more spicy?

And then asks...

Do you have any kinks?

At which point you start revealing your true self,

your true horrifying sexual self.

Because the assumption is that your kinks are shameful

and something to be embarrassed by,

you're really only left with one of two options.

Option one, keep your dirty little secrets to yourself

and tell your kinks to no one.

Well, except all of the friends you've made

on the dark web at 3:00 AM.

Or two, you do reveal them to your partner,

but only after they are invested enough

in that prim and proper version of you

that you face a far lower risk of them fleeing.

So in that scenario, you're already invested enough

and spent enough time together

that you finally feel comfortable rolling the dice

and revealing that you're actually

into that animated goblin porn

where a ginger viking is gang raped by a bunch of orcs

with corkscrew cocks twice the size of their little bodies,

and you've wondered

if they make a waterproof green body paint

that's good for internal use

that you could pick up from a Rubies

on your way home from spin class.

And at that point, they're either down to clown,

they like you enough to shove that down the memory hole,

or more often than not...

And so in summation,

if you're anywhere on the spectrum

between Dr. Chaste Meridian or slurper of cummy bathwater,

you're fucked.

So in the meantime, get yourself a Matty.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Nothing. You?

Nothing. My family's trash.

Oh, mine too.

My family's that little turkey over there.

Do you want to do something?

Well, I mean, what's Thanksgiving without a stuffing?

There's a good Korean barbecue by my place.

I could bring some over if you wanted.

So then we would fuck first?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, well then I guess

that means we're gonna do what, delivery guy?

I don't think we have done that one yet.

Or we could just play two gay people

who want to have sex with each other

and then we do.

Matty, that's demented.

I don't know that, I think that's a little far for me.

Well, maybe it's time to step outside

of your comfort zone.

I suppose. Um...

Oh, could I like close my eyes and pretend you're my uncle?

Yep. Whatever's gonna get you there.

Whenever I find someone who's into the same kinks as I am,

I find it hard to do anything with them

other than that specific thing

'cause not everybody who likes role play

is actually any good at it.

So I kind of want to use Matty up until he leaves me

'cause, you know, let's be honest,

at some point he's gonna get tired of the old work horse,

and he's gonna move on to some halfwit twink cum receptacle

who demands absolutely nothing of him

and gives him that mutual lack of commitment

that you all seem to want in your relationship these days.

So until then, I'm gonna continue to use him

to substitute the romantic intimacy that I want

with the kind of emotional connection you can only get

between a rookie on the soccer team

and his sex starved coach who's going through a bad divorce,

'cause that seems to be as good as it's gonna get

for old Danny.

So imagine my surprise that during a recent cradle robbery,

Craig here told me that he shared the same dilemma.

All right, let's do this.

Oh, okay.

Do you wanna order the queso?

No, I mean, let's get fucking into it.

All cards on the table.

What do you need from a partner?

Direct.

Okay. Loving, loyal, and makes me laugh.

What about you?

Reliable, funny, horny, kinky.

Oh, you meant all cards.

Would you like to amend your answer?

See, there are some things

that are good about dating a younger guy.

Some.

All right, how about loving, loyal, funny,

and wants to fuck my brains out on a very regular basis.

Just yours?

Yes.

Good.

Pretty ballsy to bring that up

before we even order the appetizers.

Well, we're not getting any younger.

Why waste the time if we don't even meet the basics?

Well, you will be young for quite a while longer.

I, on the other hand...

It's a good thing there's nothing I love more

than an obedient daddy.

Okay, so I feel like I do need to reiterate

that I am looking for a loving, committed,

substantial relationship.

Same.

And when you bring sex up too early-

It just becomes another hookup.

Yeah, I know the drill.

But sex is a big part of my life, and I need to make sure

that any potential partner feels the same way.

You consider yourself a kinky guy?

I think you can consider that box checked.

Ooh, I'm intrigued.

What are they?

And this is the point I start being honest

and you lose interest.

Try me.

All right, um, my stuff is pretty much

all based in fantasy.

It's like little scenes, little skits, little scenarios,

maybe some like wardrobe that goes along with it.

Blindfolds, bondage.

Cool, cool. But like what are your kinks?

Call it role play and bondage.

Okay, let's try and go at this from the other side.

What are your hard lines?

Oh.

No hitting, no choking, no insults, no blood, no sounding,

no pissing, no shitting.

Wait, I thought you said you were kinky?

Up until this moment, I thought I was.

That's cute.

So what you're saying

is you're not gonna let me fist you then?

So if you had asked me up top,

where do you think this date is gonna end?

I probably wouldn't have said me sitting on Craig's lap

while I sing and he drinks from a glass of water.

Because that's kind of my big thing.

Total fisting top.

And gotta be honest, it's kind of a deal breaker for me.

So my instinct is to tell Craig

that I'm not on speaking terms with the silent ducky,

but I have been complaining a lot recently

of how I can't find someone

who's both interested in an actual relationship

and an adventurous sex life,

so maybe I need to be a little more open.

Well, a lot more open.

Let's say that I am fist curious.

All right, I think I can work with that.

But as much as I appreciate the candor,

can we put a bookmark here

and maybe try to regain a bit of the romantic first date?

Sure.

Well, this is awkward.

Why?

I don't think I've ever met you at the door before.

What about the first time?

No. I think I left it unlocked.

I was waiting for you in the bedroom on my knees.

Ah, right. That was hot.

Next time.

You like the wine?

Have you ever fisted anyone?

Why can't we ever just have a normal conversation?

Fine. How was your week?

It was not bad.

It started off busy, but then as the week went on it got-

Oh my god, amazing.

Have you ever fisted anyone?

Yes.

Did you like it?

I neither liked nor disliked it.

I like that he liked it.

Okay, I get that.

Would you ever get fisted?

Get the fuck away from me!

Not by me!

The only thing that goes near me is toilet paper.

And even that.

Hey!

Kidding.

Danny, is someone trying to fist you?

Oh God.

I want you to show me on the dolly

where someone tried to fist you.

I went on a date and it came up.

What do you mean it came up?

What the fucked kind of fucked up dates are you going on?

Adult dates where adults talk about adult things!

You would not understand.

We laid our kink cards out on the table a little early.

He said he's really into fisting,

and he kind of needs it from a partner.

Is he the fistee or the fisted?

Fistee. Tee.

Fistee.

You can take it.

Yeah, but I have a concern.

How do I say this delicately?

Do I have to worry about having a blown out cow pussy?

Because what if we don't work out?

I'm back on the market.

I have a flat tire.

It goes back.

It what?

It goes back. It goes back to normal.

Oh.

I thought it might be one of those

if you keep making that face,

it's gonna stay that way situations.

No, it's a sphincter.

It expands. It contracts.

All that talk about being stretched out,

that's just carried over inherent cultural misogyny

about women being considered less than

because they're loose.

Ew.

What?

Don't be hung and smart.

Hey.

Shall we?

Let's do it.

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

All right. So...

Show me what you got.

All right, so we've got this.

Sleep mask blindfoldy thing,

and then these cuffs hook up to a bed restraint system.

Cute.

Okay.

I have got a harness, some more cuffs,

and an assortment of cock rings.

Metal.

Well, they go with the harness.

No, it's hot. It's hot.

What else?

All right, so we've got Baby, Ginger, Posh, Sporty,

and Scary.

The tickler, the stretcher, and Buzz Lightyear.

Okay.

My dear friends, Jake, Heath, and Jango.

And the piece de resistance, the showstopper, Brian.

It was a long pandemic.

My turn?

Yeah.

Okay.

Mom!

Okay, Danny, I've got some nice chicken soup for ya.

So c-cold.

That reminds me.

It's time to change your ice pack.

Ooh. Hot potato, hot potato.

That's going in the freezer.

They were like um...

But like um...

Hands but not hands.

Um, and then, oh, the one with the spikes.

Oh, the red one.

Not the red one!

Oh, the red one.

Not the red one!

Okay, let's see what's streaming? Hmm?

Something wholesome and innocent and...

They've got classic Sesame Street.

No Muppets!

No Muppets, no Muppets, no Muppets.

Okay. Okay.

No Muppets.

Something where everyone's hands are visible at all times.

Matty said it'll go back.

It'll go back, right? Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure it'll go back. Yeah.

I don't know what the fuck you're laughing at.

Oh my god, this is incredible.

You're the one not topping tonight.

This is okay.

It's so much better.

Oh, your poor little balloon knot.

I'm glad my pain amuses you.

Oh, it does.

It really truly does.

Come here. Come here.

I think somebody's eyes were bigger than their hole.

No, no. Okay, okay, okay.

I'll stop.

We could have rain checked.

Nah.

This is nice.

Plus you still have two free hands and a mouth.

You are the fucking worst.

Yeah, and it's what you deserve.

Hey, can I put my ear next to it

and see if I can hear the ocean?

Oh my god.

Get away from me!

♪ Ooh baby

♪ Could've please you more

♪ My knees are on the floor ♪

♪ Won't you please have your way ♪

♪ I'd do what you say

♪ Tonight have turned away

♪ But if you ever see the day ♪

♪ The way to put me back in the mood ♪

♪ Is if you tell me what to do

♪ Baby, just sit

♪ The candles are lit