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1
00:00:07,310 --> 00:00:08,137
Bro!
2
00:00:08,137 --> 00:00:09,965
Give me a turn.
3
00:00:09,965 --> 00:00:11,000
Just wait, bro.
4
00:00:12,068 --> 00:00:15,862
Fuck, bro, I've been
waiting for-fucking-ever!
5
00:00:15,862 --> 00:00:17,586
Let me try his throat.
6
00:00:17,586 --> 00:00:18,517
Just wait.
7
00:00:22,931 --> 00:00:24,827
All right, bro.
8
00:00:24,827 --> 00:00:25,724
Your turn.
9
00:00:33,793 --> 00:00:35,448
You like that dick, baby?
10
00:00:37,068 --> 00:00:40,310
Fuck, bro, I love
your boyfriend's throat!
11
00:00:42,344 --> 00:00:43,275
Boyfriend?
12
00:00:43,275 --> 00:00:44,965
Yeah, I thought I was
your boyfriend
13
00:00:44,965 --> 00:00:46,689
and I was sharing you
with my older brother.
14
00:00:46,689 --> 00:00:49,172
I thought we were doing
a frat pledge thing.
15
00:00:49,172 --> 00:00:50,655
Maybe we could be in
the same frat?
16
00:00:50,655 --> 00:00:51,827
Maybe you shouldn't improvise.
17
00:00:51,827 --> 00:00:53,655
I think I like you better
with your mouth full.
18
00:00:53,655 --> 00:00:55,655
I think I like you better
when I can't see you.
19
00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:57,482
Okay, that's it, two at once.
20
00:01:03,413 --> 00:01:05,827
You know, if you want an
actual threesome,
21
00:01:05,827 --> 00:01:07,310
that could be arranged.
22
00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:10,379
I have a hard enough time
finding one top let alone two.
23
00:01:10,379 --> 00:01:12,517
You as a people aren't
really known for being good
24
00:01:12,517 --> 00:01:16,000
with calendars, or
reliability in general.
25
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,517
Me and my buddy Garrett,
we've been thinking about it.
26
00:01:18,517 --> 00:01:19,241
Garrett?
27
00:01:19,241 --> 00:01:21,000
Oh he's certainly a bottom.
28
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,241
Oh, do you need to be
the only one?
29
00:01:23,241 --> 00:01:26,586
Does someone need to be
the center of attention?
30
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:27,586
Obviously.
31
00:01:27,586 --> 00:01:28,275
Come on.
32
00:01:28,275 --> 00:01:31,103
He's only 27, he needs a mentor.
33
00:01:31,103 --> 00:01:33,206
He needs someone
older who's been
34
00:01:33,206 --> 00:01:36,931
around the block like a
million times.
35
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:39,758
Someone older than
him and wiser.
36
00:01:39,758 --> 00:01:42,310
Much, much older.
37
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:46,241
We can play Test the
Outlets. It's my favorite.
38
00:01:46,241 --> 00:01:48,137
Oh you know, I put two of
you on top of each other,
39
00:01:48,137 --> 00:01:49,310
then I just go from hole to hole
40
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,482
like I'm testing which
outlet works.
41
00:01:54,034 --> 00:01:56,551
I promise to give you all
of my attention
42
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:59,724
every time he does the whole
"Oh, I just need a minute.
43
00:01:59,724 --> 00:02:01,034
"One second.
44
00:02:01,034 --> 00:02:03,896
"Oh a breather, oh, oh, oh!
45
00:02:03,896 --> 00:02:06,000
"Give me a break, oh, oh, oh!"
46
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:06,827
Fine!
47
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:07,931
Fine, fine.
48
00:02:07,931 --> 00:02:08,965
You will just owe me.
49
00:02:08,965 --> 00:02:10,172
Owe you what?
50
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,000
I literally just did a
one man show for you.
51
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,241
I don't know, something.
52
00:02:13,241 --> 00:02:16,379
At some point I will
require your services.
53
00:02:16,379 --> 00:02:18,000
Danny, you currently require
54
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,275
my services three times a week.
55
00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:22,551
Oh I'm sorry, is
that a complaint?
56
00:02:24,862 --> 00:02:26,413
You know what, I'll
tell you what won't be.
57
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,586
Those fucking cookies
you brought me.
58
00:02:27,586 --> 00:02:29,413
They tasted like chalk and ass.
59
00:02:29,413 --> 00:02:31,275
Oh, I thought they
tasted fine.
60
00:02:31,275 --> 00:02:33,758
Probably because they
tasted like ass.
61
00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:35,413
Okay, I'll take them back.
62
00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:38,172
Oh, I ate every
single one of them.
63
00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:47,344
Now as you know, I'm not
really into astrology,
64
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:49,689
but apparently Uranus
must be in retrograde
65
00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:52,172
because I've got another
threesome on the horizon.
66
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,137
Enter Jacob and Benjamin,
a couple
67
00:02:54,137 --> 00:02:57,034
that I accidentally
swiped on the apps.
68
00:02:57,034 --> 00:02:59,172
Now as you also know,
I'm looking for
69
00:02:59,172 --> 00:03:00,689
a monogamous committed
relationship,
70
00:03:00,689 --> 00:03:04,275
so I'm not particularly
interested in a tripod sit...
71
00:03:04,275 --> 00:03:06,655
A triad situation.
72
00:03:06,655 --> 00:03:09,793
I am actually looking for a
man that qualifies as a tripod.
73
00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:12,517
But after the inadvertent match
74
00:03:12,517 --> 00:03:15,275
I decided to, you know,
let it play out.
75
00:03:15,275 --> 00:03:16,862
See if there was any potential.
76
00:03:16,862 --> 00:03:19,482
To date, all of my conversation
has been with Jacob
77
00:03:19,482 --> 00:03:21,862
who is a professional
house husband.
78
00:03:21,862 --> 00:03:23,000
Because apparently Jacob makes
79
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,379
enough money to cover
the both of them.
80
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:26,689
Now you would think that
I would delight
81
00:03:26,689 --> 00:03:29,586
in being a kept man,
but I'm not sure
82
00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:31,965
I would be happy with
nothing to do all day.
83
00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:35,379
Jacob seems to keep busy though.
84
00:03:35,379 --> 00:03:38,068
Based on the videos he's
been texting me all morning,
85
00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:40,241
it seems like he
spends about 80%
86
00:03:40,241 --> 00:03:42,517
of his day stroking his
big fat cock.
87
00:03:43,586 --> 00:03:45,965
Haven't seen any of
Benjamin's pictures yet
88
00:03:45,965 --> 00:03:48,655
though his regular
ones are okay.
89
00:03:48,655 --> 00:03:51,310
I only hope that I will
be equally attracted
90
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:54,758
to both of them, which is
always the problem with couples.
91
00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:55,758
Yes?
92
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:57,827
What?
93
00:03:57,827 --> 00:03:59,241
You asked to see me.
94
00:04:00,068 --> 00:04:01,758
Oh. Oh yeah.
95
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,413
Have you ever dated a
couple before?
96
00:04:05,965 --> 00:04:07,862
I'm not sure it's
appropriate for you to ask me
97
00:04:07,862 --> 00:04:10,793
about my personal life in
the workplace.
98
00:04:13,482 --> 00:04:15,310
You were at the coffee
machine yesterday
99
00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:16,620
and you asked
Melinda if she knew
100
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:19,137
any discount hotels in
Hoboken for your
101
00:04:19,137 --> 00:04:22,068
anonymous cum dump
birthday weekend.
102
00:04:22,068 --> 00:04:23,551
Happy 30th, by the way.
103
00:04:25,241 --> 00:04:26,310
Fine.
104
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:33,551
I've hooked up with
couples before, yes.
105
00:04:33,551 --> 00:04:34,379
Oh really, load collector?
106
00:04:34,379 --> 00:04:35,586
Of course you have.
107
00:04:35,586 --> 00:04:38,517
I'm asking if you've ever
dated a couple before.
108
00:04:38,517 --> 00:04:41,931
I mean, one of the older
daddy couples started sending me
109
00:04:41,931 --> 00:04:45,275
stuff from my Amazon wishlist
that I put on my OnlyFans.
110
00:04:45,275 --> 00:04:46,275
Does that count?
111
00:04:46,275 --> 00:04:47,586
For you, yes.
112
00:04:47,586 --> 00:04:49,206
Were you equally
attracted to both of them?
113
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,689
Of course not.
114
00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:54,034
Right, so you paid the troll
in order to cross the bridge.
115
00:04:54,034 --> 00:04:55,137
Yeah.
116
00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:57,068
Sometimes you gotta fuck
your Andy Cohen
117
00:04:57,068 --> 00:04:58,965
to get your Anderson Cooper.
118
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,172
They look like they
wear a lot of cologne.
119
00:05:01,172 --> 00:05:03,068
Like an offensive
amount of cologne.
120
00:05:03,068 --> 00:05:04,137
Right?
121
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,379
So I'm worried about
logistics, okay?
122
00:05:06,379 --> 00:05:08,206
Coming into a
preexisting relationship,
123
00:05:08,206 --> 00:05:09,448
it seems like you
would always have
124
00:05:09,448 --> 00:05:11,758
the weaker standing, like
in an argument,
125
00:05:11,758 --> 00:05:14,551
and say you and Andy are in
the hospital at the same time.
126
00:05:14,551 --> 00:05:17,034
Like who does Anderson
even visit first?
127
00:05:17,034 --> 00:05:18,793
Were we in the same accident?
128
00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:20,034
Sure.
129
00:05:20,034 --> 00:05:22,034
So then why aren't we
in the same hospital?
130
00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:24,448
Okay, fine.
131
00:05:24,448 --> 00:05:26,310
Andy slipped and fell
in Brooklyn,
132
00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,862
and you got an anal
fissure fucking
133
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:32,448
a closeted married man in
a Macy's dressing room.
134
00:05:32,448 --> 00:05:33,758
Probably me.
135
00:05:33,758 --> 00:05:34,551
Why you?
136
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,689
Because couples
open up because
137
00:05:36,689 --> 00:05:38,310
they are bored with each other,
138
00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:39,862
but are either too
scared or too old
139
00:05:39,862 --> 00:05:42,586
to actually break up
before finding someone new.
140
00:05:42,586 --> 00:05:44,379
Right, so why wouldn't
they prioritize
141
00:05:44,379 --> 00:05:45,724
their existing relationship?
142
00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:47,793
They can always just switch
you out for another slut.
143
00:05:47,793 --> 00:05:49,241
Oh no.
144
00:05:49,241 --> 00:05:51,172
I am Anderson's exit plan.
145
00:05:51,172 --> 00:05:53,103
He's not gonna want to
mess with that.
146
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,689
Plus, in your scenario,
if Anderson doesn't visit
147
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,482
Andy first, that might
make Andy mad,
148
00:05:59,482 --> 00:06:01,344
and he might
instigate the breakup
149
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:02,965
that Anderson ultimately wants.
150
00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:05,275
Which lets him off the
hook of having to do it.
151
00:06:05,275 --> 00:06:07,137
And results in us
being together.
152
00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:12,862
Why are we all so terrible?
153
00:06:13,965 --> 00:06:18,413
Mm-mm.
154
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:22,068
Some of y'all gonna write
letters about this one.
155
00:06:27,206 --> 00:06:28,034
Woodside?
156
00:06:29,482 --> 00:06:31,620
Ugh, Woodside? Really?
157
00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:34,137
Matty, you fucking owe me.
158
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,000
You must be Danny.
159
00:06:40,862 --> 00:06:42,965
It'd be pretty
awkward if I wasn't.
160
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:45,517
Why?
161
00:06:48,344 --> 00:06:50,344
Matthew said he's running
10 minutes late.
162
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:51,965
"Matthew".
163
00:06:51,965 --> 00:06:53,413
Where did you meet?
164
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:57,068
I think he was on my
home grid on Splooge.
165
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:58,275
You?
166
00:06:58,275 --> 00:06:59,758
Oh, at my friend's orgy.
167
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,965
Matthew's pretty great isn't he?
168
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,655
Mmhm.
169
00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:06,586
I didn't know he
was into older.
170
00:07:08,275 --> 00:07:09,379
Oh.
171
00:07:09,379 --> 00:07:11,206
He doesn't know to fear me yet.
172
00:07:11,206 --> 00:07:12,689
What were the '80s like?
173
00:07:14,827 --> 00:07:17,827
Well I was a child then,
but I know
174
00:07:17,827 --> 00:07:20,655
it wasn't a great decade for us.
175
00:07:20,655 --> 00:07:23,103
You know, a lot of
people suffering.
176
00:07:23,103 --> 00:07:24,758
Dying of AIDS.
177
00:07:24,758 --> 00:07:27,206
Maybe you could've
been one of them.
178
00:07:27,206 --> 00:07:28,758
So many letters.
179
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:31,620
Wait, ow!
180
00:07:32,379 --> 00:07:34,068
wait a sec, just...
181
00:07:34,068 --> 00:07:34,965
Hold a sec.
182
00:07:36,344 --> 00:07:37,275
Ow!
183
00:07:37,275 --> 00:07:39,000
Hold a sec, just wait on a sec.
184
00:07:40,551 --> 00:07:42,241
Okay.
185
00:07:42,241 --> 00:07:44,172
Go slow and - ow!
186
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,034
Hold on a sec.
187
00:07:46,275 --> 00:07:48,137
Wait a sec, just hold a sec.
188
00:07:50,206 --> 00:07:51,206
Okay.
189
00:07:51,206 --> 00:07:52,517
Go slow and.
190
00:07:58,379 --> 00:07:59,206
That was hot.
191
00:08:01,206 --> 00:08:03,137
All right, Matthew. Tell us.
192
00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:04,689
Who's your favorite?
193
00:08:04,689 --> 00:08:08,413
Oh now now, let's not
start a fight.
194
00:08:08,413 --> 00:08:10,793
Plus I think this one stabs.
195
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:13,931
Get home safe, boys.
196
00:08:13,931 --> 00:08:15,724
Oh, and sorry about
the little...
197
00:08:15,724 --> 00:08:17,586
Hey, no no no no no.
It happens.
198
00:08:17,586 --> 00:08:18,862
Well not to me.
199
00:08:18,862 --> 00:08:20,137
I douche.
200
00:08:20,137 --> 00:08:22,000
Yeah, I guess the
younger generation is just
201
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,827
more about being in
touch with their bodies.
202
00:08:23,827 --> 00:08:24,896
Yeah, and you
apparently don't mind
203
00:08:24,896 --> 00:08:26,344
the smell of
three-day-old vindaloo.
204
00:08:26,344 --> 00:08:27,724
Okay, thank you, bye!
205
00:08:31,931 --> 00:08:35,379
Did you have a good time,
"Matthew"?
206
00:08:35,379 --> 00:08:36,482
You could have just said no.
207
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:37,620
He started it.
208
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:40,137
Yeah, he is kind of a twat.
209
00:08:40,137 --> 00:08:41,137
Thank you.
210
00:08:41,137 --> 00:08:42,000
Is that you?
211
00:08:43,034 --> 00:08:43,896
Yeah.
212
00:08:47,655 --> 00:08:49,551
And you're my favorite.
213
00:08:49,551 --> 00:08:50,827
Damn right I am.
214
00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:56,551
I don't care how in touch with
your body you think you are.
215
00:08:56,551 --> 00:08:59,344
What you need to get in
touch with is an enema.
216
00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:01,103
Aren't y'all the
therapy generation?
217
00:09:01,103 --> 00:09:03,275
Did you forget about
colon hydrotherapy?
218
00:09:04,275 --> 00:09:05,310
And if you're gonna shave it,
219
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:06,896
do it five minutes
before or not at all
220
00:09:06,896 --> 00:09:09,965
because that anus stubble
is not the tea, mother.
221
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,689
And why do the ones who shave
222
00:09:13,689 --> 00:09:15,827
also lather
themselves in lotion?
223
00:09:15,827 --> 00:09:20,275
So you're a slimy dolphin with
5 o'clock ass crack shadow?
224
00:09:20,275 --> 00:09:22,275
Aren't you delicious.
225
00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:23,862
That outlet was broken.
226
00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:29,241
I, on the other hand, am
fresh from an appointment
227
00:09:29,241 --> 00:09:31,379
with a 12 ounce
crushable water bottle.
228
00:09:31,379 --> 00:09:32,827
So I'm ready for
wherever my date
229
00:09:32,827 --> 00:09:34,206
with a couple is
going to take me.
230
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:36,931
Which is hopefully to
Paris for an Eiffel Tower.
231
00:09:37,758 --> 00:09:39,586
You are so hot.
232
00:09:39,586 --> 00:09:41,482
He is so fucking hot!
233
00:09:41,482 --> 00:09:43,241
Benji, isn't he hot?
234
00:09:43,241 --> 00:09:43,965
Yeah.
235
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,275
Doesn't Danny have
a nice cock?
236
00:09:47,275 --> 00:09:48,413
Yeah.
237
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,034
Okay, so we notice
two things here
238
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:52,586
that are expected when
dating a couple.
239
00:09:52,586 --> 00:09:55,551
The first is that they
don't want to date me.
240
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:56,793
The date was a ruse.
241
00:09:56,793 --> 00:09:58,344
They would like to fuck me.
242
00:09:58,344 --> 00:10:00,655
Well, Jacob does at least.
243
00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:02,793
Second thing that is
also not uncommon
244
00:10:02,793 --> 00:10:05,862
is that Benji is here by duress.
245
00:10:05,862 --> 00:10:08,103
Yes, Jacob needs an extra
set of hands on his cock,
246
00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:10,068
and so he's drugged Benji
here to bear witness
247
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,034
and give his
begrudging approval.
248
00:10:13,241 --> 00:10:14,896
And you know what?
249
00:10:14,896 --> 00:10:15,896
That's fine.
250
00:10:15,896 --> 00:10:16,896
'Cause at the end of the night
251
00:10:16,896 --> 00:10:19,448
I'm gonna get dick and a story.
252
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:22,931
♪ Who could ask for
anything more ♪
253
00:10:22,931 --> 00:10:25,758
So Jacob tells me
you're in consulting?
254
00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:27,000
Danny's a lawyer.
255
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,931
I've already got it made
with moneybags over here,
256
00:10:28,931 --> 00:10:31,413
and now I have a lawyer too.
257
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:32,931
Can you say vacation home?
258
00:10:33,586 --> 00:10:36,172
So what did you do
before you retired?
259
00:10:36,172 --> 00:10:37,620
Oh, loads of shit.
260
00:10:38,827 --> 00:10:40,310
Where did I work before?
261
00:10:41,344 --> 00:10:42,862
The Meat Sack.
262
00:10:42,862 --> 00:10:44,000
Oh yeah, yeah.
263
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,689
Fuck that place.
264
00:10:45,689 --> 00:10:46,655
The Meat Sack.
265
00:10:46,655 --> 00:10:49,000
I take it that's a hedge fund?
266
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,344
I go-go'd there for
a while until
267
00:10:52,344 --> 00:10:54,241
they started doing this
Latin night crap.
268
00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:55,586
Jacob.
269
00:10:55,586 --> 00:10:58,068
And all of a sudden I'm
working at a bar for illegals.
270
00:10:58,068 --> 00:10:59,379
Jacob.
271
00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:03,000
And then el homo no tipo
means Jacob no work-o.
272
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,310
You know what I mean?
273
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:05,827
Yeah, loud and clear.
274
00:11:05,827 --> 00:11:08,655
All right, so Benji bought
himself a hung hateful hooker.
275
00:11:08,655 --> 00:11:10,655
So now I need to decide
whether Jacob
276
00:11:10,655 --> 00:11:12,448
is using me as his
exit strategy,
277
00:11:12,448 --> 00:11:15,034
or Benji is trying to
offload a failed investment.
278
00:11:15,034 --> 00:11:17,931
In either case, this is
now a one night endeavor.
279
00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:20,551
And to those of you saying
Danny, it seems like
280
00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:21,724
when you date gay
men in New York
281
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,655
you come across a
lot of racists.
282
00:11:23,655 --> 00:11:25,827
To that I can only say yes.
283
00:11:27,172 --> 00:11:30,931
Gotta say, surprised you
chose a Mexican restaurant.
284
00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:32,827
I don't want them
crossing the border,
285
00:11:32,827 --> 00:11:34,793
but if they're going
to, they might as well
286
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,379
make some delicious
fucking tacos!
287
00:11:38,379 --> 00:11:40,275
Amazing.
288
00:11:40,275 --> 00:11:41,655
So how did you two meet?
289
00:11:42,965 --> 00:11:45,827
I saw him from across the
room, and as corny as it sounds,
290
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:48,482
it really was love at
first sight.
291
00:11:48,482 --> 00:11:50,310
We were living in San
Diego back then,
292
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,896
and I was out with
some work friends
293
00:11:51,896 --> 00:11:54,275
at The Pig Trough, and I
went up to talk to him,
294
00:11:54,275 --> 00:11:55,827
but I didn't have any
cash on me, so -
295
00:11:55,827 --> 00:11:59,827
Oh my God, you were like
"You're so fucking beautiful."
296
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:02,137
And I was like "Where's
the cash, faggot?"
297
00:12:03,379 --> 00:12:05,551
So I ran four blocks
to the ATM to get cash,
298
00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,655
but when I came back he
wasn't there.
299
00:12:07,655 --> 00:12:11,862
Some daddy paid me $200 to
suck my dick in the coat room.
300
00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:14,068
It taught you a lesson though,
didn't it?
301
00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:16,620
Always carry cash!
302
00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:20,000
I couldn't get him
off my mind.
303
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,000
I would've waited the
whole night for him.
304
00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:25,034
After an hour or so he
was back on his box,
305
00:12:25,034 --> 00:12:29,689
and I bought a dance, and,
well, the rest is history.
306
00:12:30,379 --> 00:12:32,275
Eight beautiful years.
307
00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:35,586
Wow. That's...
308
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:38,413
That is magical.
309
00:12:39,586 --> 00:12:40,862
And now you're here.
310
00:12:42,965 --> 00:12:44,517
Oh don't worry, Benji.
311
00:12:44,517 --> 00:12:45,620
Not for long.
312
00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:50,000
And that's that, folks.
313
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,793
Sorry to say, bit of an
anti-climatic end to the
episode.
314
00:12:53,862 --> 00:12:56,827
After subjecting myself
to the abject horror
315
00:12:56,827 --> 00:12:59,620
of a date with those
two for the last hour,
316
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:01,206
I decided to just come home.
317
00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:06,172
You know, it didn't matter
how nice Jacob's cock looked,
318
00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:09,482
and you know how much I was
looking forward to meeting it,
319
00:13:09,482 --> 00:13:12,379
because I have my priorities, right?
320
00:13:12,379 --> 00:13:14,000
I value my time.
321
00:13:15,482 --> 00:13:17,793
I'm looking for
my person, right?
322
00:13:17,793 --> 00:13:20,689
So any time that I spent
with those two
323
00:13:20,689 --> 00:13:23,655
was time wasted not out
there finding him.
324
00:13:23,655 --> 00:13:26,379
So in the end, it didn't matter
325
00:13:26,379 --> 00:13:30,551
how thick and juicy
Jacob's cock looked.
326
00:13:30,551 --> 00:13:33,137
You know, how long it was
despite how girthy, and...
327
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,931
I mean it was just leaking
pre-cum constantly.
328
00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:39,793
Just like a little bead
at the tip that would just
329
00:13:39,793 --> 00:13:44,862
kind of like drizzle down
under like just hefty balls.
330
00:13:46,482 --> 00:13:47,793
No, it didn't matter.
331
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:51,827
Because I knew that my time
was better spent at home.
332
00:13:51,827 --> 00:13:55,034
Snuggling my dog, reading
a chapter in a book,
333
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:59,103
and, I don't know, getting a
solid eight hours of sleep.
334
00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:03,862
So in the end, I did not
agree to that second date.
335
00:14:03,862 --> 00:14:06,103
I didn't even keep in
touch with them.
336
00:14:06,103 --> 00:14:09,068
And I most certainly did not
go back to their apartment.
337
00:14:11,793 --> 00:14:14,310
You two have a
beautiful apartment.
338
00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:17,482
It had better be for how
long he leaves me here alone.
339
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,793
Oh, are you
looking for someone
340
00:14:18,793 --> 00:14:21,482
to keep him busy
while you're away?
341
00:14:21,482 --> 00:14:22,758
Well we thought a
third could bring
342
00:14:22,758 --> 00:14:24,551
a lot of what's been missing.
343
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,206
And what's missing?
344
00:14:28,310 --> 00:14:29,862
We've seen your
photos and videos.
345
00:14:29,862 --> 00:14:31,965
We're fairly sure you
can provide it.
346
00:14:34,724 --> 00:14:36,862
Why are you sitting so far away, baby?
347
00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:42,034
So you're all probably
asking yourselves
348
00:14:42,034 --> 00:14:44,379
Danny, why did you go
back to their apartment?
349
00:14:44,379 --> 00:14:46,034
And that's a very fair question.
350
00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:47,448
I think, however,
you're forgetting
351
00:14:47,448 --> 00:14:49,448
two very important factors.
352
00:14:49,448 --> 00:14:51,620
One, Jacob has a big fat hog.
353
00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:54,655
And two, I took a 45
minute train to get here.
354
00:14:54,655 --> 00:14:58,068
So if I have to ride the
Green Line home
355
00:14:58,068 --> 00:15:01,827
after 9 PM, I better damn
well be leaking.
356
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:08,896
Well there doesn't seem
to be any room.
357
00:15:22,413 --> 00:15:23,275
Oh, oh.
358
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:30,896
No kiss.
359
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:33,172
Alrighty then.
360
00:15:33,172 --> 00:15:34,862
Don't worry, he'll
totally suck your dick
361
00:15:34,862 --> 00:15:36,344
after I get done with it.
362
00:15:36,344 --> 00:15:39,310
All right, can
I freshen up for a moment?
363
00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:41,724
Sure. Bathroom's
right over there.
364
00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:44,068
We'll just meet you down
in the bedroom.
365
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:45,965
Don't make us way too
long though!
366
00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:51,586
♪ Big fat dick, big fat dick
367
00:15:51,586 --> 00:15:56,068
♪ Danny gets to have a
big fat dick ♪
368
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:57,275
You know what?
369
00:15:57,275 --> 00:15:59,586
I am gonna take a car home.
370
00:15:59,586 --> 00:16:01,862
I'm gonna go in there,
I'm gonna pay the toll
371
00:16:01,862 --> 00:16:03,689
by fucking Benji, and
then I'm gonna
372
00:16:03,689 --> 00:16:05,965
ride Jacob's dick like a champ.
373
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,344
And at that point, I think I
will have earned a ride-share.
374
00:16:10,379 --> 00:16:11,379
You know why?
375
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,103
'Cause I'm worth it.
376
00:16:19,724 --> 00:16:20,379
No!
377
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:23,241
No, no, no, no! Goddammit!
378
00:16:23,241 --> 00:16:25,137
I misread the whole thing!
379
00:16:25,137 --> 00:16:27,793
The dick was a ploy. A ploy,
I say!
380
00:16:28,965 --> 00:16:33,517
What is missing in their
relationship is a top.
381
00:16:33,517 --> 00:16:37,344
I'm already here, and
I cannot have gone through
382
00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,827
that whole dreadful
evening and not get fucked!
383
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:44,000
Oh.
384
00:16:45,275 --> 00:16:46,068
Hey guys?
385
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,827
How do you feel about me
phoning a friend?
386
00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:03,000
I hate them.
387
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,655
Me too.
388
00:17:04,655 --> 00:17:07,000
Face down! Both of you!
389
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,103
Fuck yes, sir!
390
00:17:08,103 --> 00:17:09,482
Yes, daddy!
391
00:17:11,724 --> 00:17:14,103
Fuck yeah, okay,
Danny's turn.
392
00:17:14,103 --> 00:17:15,586
Wreck me!
393
00:17:15,586 --> 00:17:17,379
Just treat me like a hole!
394
00:17:18,241 --> 00:17:19,344
Take five, boys.
395
00:17:19,344 --> 00:17:20,689
Danny needs some love.
396
00:17:26,758 --> 00:17:28,172
Flip over.
397
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,068
I want to see you.
398
00:17:31,034 --> 00:17:35,793
Ugh, how can you be both slimy
and prickly at the same time?
399
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:36,620
Well at least they
were old enough
400
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,965
to not smell like Nana's diaper.
401
00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:41,448
Hey genius, you didn't
have to fuck them.
402
00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:42,793
You could've left.
403
00:17:42,793 --> 00:17:46,103
Eh, I was already there,
and holes were in the air.
404
00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:49,482
I cannot believe this
is your favor.
405
00:17:49,482 --> 00:17:51,689
Oh you don't understand
how terrible they were.
406
00:17:51,689 --> 00:17:54,068
If I had to go that whole
night and not...
407
00:17:55,172 --> 00:17:57,379
I gave you three outlets.
408
00:17:57,379 --> 00:17:59,034
Yeah you did.
409
00:18:00,344 --> 00:18:02,000
Oh they were so mad I
didn't cum in them.
410
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,620
Ah, which made me feel
like the belle of the ball.
411
00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,310
Oh, by the way, my buddy Rodrigo
412
00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:07,896
would like to have a threesome.
413
00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:10,034
Oh, Rodrigo.
414
00:18:10,724 --> 00:18:12,551
He's definitely a top.
415
00:18:13,379 --> 00:18:15,034
Oh I'm sorry.
416
00:18:15,034 --> 00:18:16,827
Must you be the only one?
417
00:18:16,827 --> 00:18:19,482
Must you be the center
of attention?
418
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,965
I prefer you to myself.
419
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:43,103
You know what?
420
00:18:43,103 --> 00:18:45,551
Before we bring today's
misadventure to a close,
421
00:18:45,551 --> 00:18:48,482
I think it's important
to disclaim that not all
422
00:18:48,482 --> 00:18:50,344
open and poly couples
behave the way
423
00:18:50,344 --> 00:18:52,000
that sad sack and the bigot did.
424
00:18:53,344 --> 00:18:56,551
Not all of those couples
are using the ruse of dating
425
00:18:56,551 --> 00:18:58,896
in order to secure a
permanent hookup that will
426
00:18:58,896 --> 00:19:01,000
fill the deficit that
should have kept those two
427
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,620
from being together in
the first place,
428
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,896
and/or keep them from
breaking up.
429
00:19:05,793 --> 00:19:07,448
You know, not all of
those couples
430
00:19:07,448 --> 00:19:09,413
are secretly or subconsciously
431
00:19:09,413 --> 00:19:12,034
planning their exit strategy.
432
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:15,862
In fact, I bet there are a
lot of open and poly couples
433
00:19:15,862 --> 00:19:19,896
watching this show right now
who are completely honest
434
00:19:19,896 --> 00:19:22,517
with each other and
love each other dearly,
435
00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:24,620
and you know, they're
only looking
436
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:27,620
to enrich their lives
with more love.
437
00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:30,241
Because as we all know,
there is an infinite
438
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:32,000
amount of love in the universe.
439
00:19:33,551 --> 00:19:34,689
You know what?
440
00:19:34,689 --> 00:19:36,517
The second that I meet a
couple like that,
441
00:19:36,517 --> 00:19:37,896
I will let y'all know.
442
00:19:37,896 --> 00:19:41,000
So. Many. Letters.
443
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,827
♪ You say you don't understand
444
00:19:58,827 --> 00:20:00,758
♪ You say it isn't love ♪
445
00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:02,689
♪ Oh just become my bae
446
00:20:02,689 --> 00:20:04,551
♪ Come on, give it up
447
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:07,172
♪ Polyamory is what's
good for me ♪
448
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:08,517
♪ Between him and me
449
00:20:08,517 --> 00:20:09,896
♪ Don't care what you say
450
00:20:09,896 --> 00:20:12,379
♪ This beat is crazy
451
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:16,000
♪ If you want to judge the way
I live my life, baby don't ♪
452
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,620
♪ You just jealous 'cause
I get what I want ♪
453
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:20,586
♪ 'Cause I'm a freak elite ♪
454
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:21,862
♪ Get your freak on
455
00:20:21,862 --> 00:20:23,448
♪ You can call me Drake
456
00:20:23,448 --> 00:20:25,379
♪ 'Cause when I come
through, I'm on my Lizzo ♪
457
00:20:25,379 --> 00:20:28,448
♪ I got that juice
458
00:20:28,448 --> 00:20:34,931
♪ Now what the new bae say
32934
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