Original subtitles

Bro!

Give me a turn.

Just wait, bro.

Fuck, bro, I've been waiting for-fucking-ever!

Let me try his throat.

Just wait.

All right, bro.

Your turn.

You like that dick, baby?

Fuck, bro, I love your boyfriend's throat!

Boyfriend?

Yeah, I thought I was your boyfriend

and I was sharing you with my older brother.

I thought we were doing a frat pledge thing.

Maybe we could be in the same frat?

Maybe you shouldn't improvise.

I think I like you better with your mouth full.

I think I like you better when I can't see you.

Okay, that's it, two at once.

You know, if you want an actual threesome,

that could be arranged.

I have a hard enough time finding one top let alone two.

You as a people aren't really known for being good

with calendars, or reliability in general.

Me and my buddy Garrett, we've been thinking about it.

Garrett?

Oh he's certainly a bottom.

Oh, do you need to be the only one?

Does someone need to be the center of attention?

Obviously.

Come on.

He's only 27, he needs a mentor.

He needs someone older who's been

around the block like a million times.

Someone older than him and wiser.

Much, much older.

We can play Test the Outlets. It's my favorite.

Oh you know, I put two of you on top of each other,

then I just go from hole to hole

like I'm testing which outlet works.

I promise to give you all of my attention

every time he does the whole "Oh, I just need a minute.

"One second.

"Oh a breather, oh, oh, oh!

"Give me a break, oh, oh, oh!"

Fine!

Fine, fine.

You will just owe me.

Owe you what?

I literally just did a one man show for you.

I don't know, something.

At some point I will require your services.

Danny, you currently require

my services three times a week.

Oh I'm sorry, is that a complaint?

You know what, I'll tell you what won't be.

Those fucking cookies you brought me.

They tasted like chalk and ass.

Oh, I thought they tasted fine.

Probably because they tasted like ass.

Okay, I'll take them back.

Oh, I ate every single one of them.

Now as you know, I'm not really into astrology,

but apparently Uranus must be in retrograde

because I've got another threesome on the horizon.

Enter Jacob and Benjamin, a couple

that I accidentally swiped on the apps.

Now as you also know, I'm looking for

a monogamous committed relationship,

so I'm not particularly interested in a tripod sit...

A triad situation.

I am actually looking for a man that qualifies as a tripod.

But after the inadvertent match

I decided to, you know, let it play out.

See if there was any potential.

To date, all of my conversation has been with Jacob

who is a professional house husband.

Because apparently Jacob makes

enough money to cover the both of them.

Now you would think that I would delight

in being a kept man, but I'm not sure

I would be happy with nothing to do all day.

Jacob seems to keep busy though.

Based on the videos he's been texting me all morning,

it seems like he spends about 80%

of his day stroking his big fat cock.

Haven't seen any of Benjamin's pictures yet

though his regular ones are okay.

I only hope that I will be equally attracted

to both of them, which is always the problem with couples.

Yes?

What?

You asked to see me.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Have you ever dated a couple before?

I'm not sure it's appropriate for you to ask me

about my personal life in the workplace.

You were at the coffee machine yesterday

and you asked Melinda if she knew

any discount hotels in Hoboken for your

anonymous cum dump birthday weekend.

Happy 30th, by the way.

Fine.

I've hooked up with couples before, yes.

Oh really, load collector?

Of course you have.

I'm asking if you've ever dated a couple before.

I mean, one of the older daddy couples started sending me

stuff from my Amazon wishlist that I put on my OnlyFans.

Does that count?

For you, yes.

Were you equally attracted to both of them?

Of course not.

Right, so you paid the troll in order to cross the bridge.

Yeah.

Sometimes you gotta fuck your Andy Cohen

to get your Anderson Cooper.

They look like they wear a lot of cologne.

Like an offensive amount of cologne.

Right?

So I'm worried about logistics, okay?

Coming into a preexisting relationship,

it seems like you would always have

the weaker standing, like in an argument,

and say you and Andy are in the hospital at the same time.

Like who does Anderson even visit first?

Were we in the same accident?

Sure.

So then why aren't we in the same hospital?

Okay, fine.

Andy slipped and fell in Brooklyn,

and you got an anal fissure fucking

a closeted married man in a Macy's dressing room.

Probably me.

Why you?

Because couples open up because

they are bored with each other,

but are either too scared or too old

to actually break up before finding someone new.

Right, so why wouldn't they prioritize

their existing relationship?

They can always just switch you out for another slut.

Oh no.

I am Anderson's exit plan.

He's not gonna want to mess with that.

Plus, in your scenario, if Anderson doesn't visit

Andy first, that might make Andy mad,

and he might instigate the breakup

that Anderson ultimately wants.

Which lets him off the hook of having to do it.

And results in us being together.

Why are we all so terrible?

Mm-mm.

Some of y'all gonna write letters about this one.

Woodside?

Ugh, Woodside? Really?

Matty, you fucking owe me.

You must be Danny.

It'd be pretty awkward if I wasn't.

Why?

Matthew said he's running 10 minutes late.

"Matthew".

Where did you meet?

I think he was on my home grid on Splooge.

You?

Oh, at my friend's orgy.

Matthew's pretty great isn't he?

Mmhm.

I didn't know he was into older.

Oh.

He doesn't know to fear me yet.

What were the '80s like?

Well I was a child then, but I know

it wasn't a great decade for us.

You know, a lot of people suffering.

Dying of AIDS.

Maybe you could've been one of them.

So many letters.

Wait, ow!

wait a sec, just...

Hold a sec.

Ow!

Hold a sec, just wait on a sec.

Okay.

Go slow and - ow!

Hold on a sec.

Wait a sec, just hold a sec.

Okay.

Go slow and.

That was hot.

All right, Matthew. Tell us.

Who's your favorite?

Oh now now, let's not start a fight.

Plus I think this one stabs.

Get home safe, boys.

Oh, and sorry about the little...

Hey, no no no no no. It happens.

Well not to me.

I douche.

Yeah, I guess the younger generation is just

more about being in touch with their bodies.

Yeah, and you apparently don't mind

the smell of three-day-old vindaloo.

Okay, thank you, bye!

Did you have a good time, "Matthew"?

You could have just said no.

He started it.

Yeah, he is kind of a twat.

Thank you.

Is that you?

Yeah.

And you're my favorite.

Damn right I am.

I don't care how in touch with your body you think you are.

What you need to get in touch with is an enema.

Aren't y'all the therapy generation?

Did you forget about colon hydrotherapy?

And if you're gonna shave it,

do it five minutes before or not at all

because that anus stubble is not the tea, mother.

And why do the ones who shave

also lather themselves in lotion?

So you're a slimy dolphin with 5 o'clock ass crack shadow?

Aren't you delicious.

That outlet was broken.

I, on the other hand, am fresh from an appointment

with a 12 ounce crushable water bottle.

So I'm ready for wherever my date

with a couple is going to take me.

Which is hopefully to Paris for an Eiffel Tower.

You are so hot.

He is so fucking hot!

Benji, isn't he hot?

Yeah.

Doesn't Danny have a nice cock?

Yeah.

Okay, so we notice two things here

that are expected when dating a couple.

The first is that they don't want to date me.

The date was a ruse.

They would like to fuck me.

Well, Jacob does at least.

Second thing that is also not uncommon

is that Benji is here by duress.

Yes, Jacob needs an extra set of hands on his cock,

and so he's drugged Benji here to bear witness

and give his begrudging approval.

And you know what?

That's fine.

'Cause at the end of the night

I'm gonna get dick and a story.

♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪

So Jacob tells me you're in consulting?

Danny's a lawyer.

I've already got it made with moneybags over here,

and now I have a lawyer too.

Can you say vacation home?

So what did you do before you retired?

Oh, loads of shit.

Where did I work before?

The Meat Sack.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Fuck that place.

The Meat Sack.

I take it that's a hedge fund?

I go-go'd there for a while until

they started doing this Latin night crap.

Jacob.

And all of a sudden I'm working at a bar for illegals.

Jacob.

And then el homo no tipo means Jacob no work-o.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, loud and clear.

All right, so Benji bought himself a hung hateful hooker.

So now I need to decide whether Jacob

is using me as his exit strategy,

or Benji is trying to offload a failed investment.

In either case, this is now a one night endeavor.

And to those of you saying Danny, it seems like

when you date gay men in New York

you come across a lot of racists.

To that I can only say yes.

Gotta say, surprised you chose a Mexican restaurant.

I don't want them crossing the border,

but if they're going to, they might as well

make some delicious fucking tacos!

Amazing.

So how did you two meet?

I saw him from across the room, and as corny as it sounds,

it really was love at first sight.

We were living in San Diego back then,

and I was out with some work friends

at The Pig Trough, and I went up to talk to him,

but I didn't have any cash on me, so -

Oh my God, you were like "You're so fucking beautiful."

And I was like "Where's the cash, faggot?"

So I ran four blocks to the ATM to get cash,

but when I came back he wasn't there.

Some daddy paid me $200 to suck my dick in the coat room.

It taught you a lesson though, didn't it?

Always carry cash!

I couldn't get him off my mind.

I would've waited the whole night for him.

After an hour or so he was back on his box,

and I bought a dance, and, well, the rest is history.

Eight beautiful years.

Wow. That's...

That is magical.

And now you're here.

Oh don't worry, Benji.

Not for long.

And that's that, folks.

Sorry to say, bit of an anti-climatic end to the episode.

After subjecting myself to the abject horror

of a date with those two for the last hour,

I decided to just come home.

You know, it didn't matter how nice Jacob's cock looked,

and you know how much I was looking forward to meeting it,

because I have my priorities, right?

I value my time.

I'm looking for my person, right?

So any time that I spent with those two

was time wasted not out there finding him.

So in the end, it didn't matter

how thick and juicy Jacob's cock looked.

You know, how long it was despite how girthy, and...

I mean it was just leaking pre-cum constantly.

Just like a little bead at the tip that would just

kind of like drizzle down under like just hefty balls.

No, it didn't matter.

Because I knew that my time was better spent at home.

Snuggling my dog, reading a chapter in a book,

and, I don't know, getting a solid eight hours of sleep.

So in the end, I did not agree to that second date.

I didn't even keep in touch with them.

And I most certainly did not go back to their apartment.

You two have a beautiful apartment.

It had better be for how long he leaves me here alone.

Oh, are you looking for someone

to keep him busy while you're away?

Well we thought a third could bring

a lot of what's been missing.

And what's missing?

We've seen your photos and videos.

We're fairly sure you can provide it.

Why are you sitting so far away, baby?

So you're all probably asking yourselves

Danny, why did you go back to their apartment?

And that's a very fair question.

I think, however, you're forgetting

two very important factors.

One, Jacob has a big fat hog.

And two, I took a 45 minute train to get here.

So if I have to ride the Green Line home

after 9 PM, I better damn well be leaking.

Well there doesn't seem to be any room.

Oh, oh.

No kiss.

Alrighty then.

Don't worry, he'll totally suck your dick

after I get done with it.

All right, can I freshen up for a moment?

Sure. Bathroom's right over there.

We'll just meet you down in the bedroom.

Don't make us way too long though!

♪ Big fat dick, big fat dick

♪ Danny gets to have a big fat dick ♪

You know what?

I am gonna take a car home.

I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna pay the toll

by fucking Benji, and then I'm gonna

ride Jacob's dick like a champ.

And at that point, I think I will have earned a ride-share.

You know why?

'Cause I'm worth it.

No!

No, no, no, no! Goddammit!

I misread the whole thing!

The dick was a ploy. A ploy, I say!

What is missing in their relationship is a top.

I'm already here, and I cannot have gone through

that whole dreadful evening and not get fucked!

Oh.

Hey guys?

How do you feel about me phoning a friend?

I hate them.

Me too.

Face down! Both of you!

Fuck yes, sir!

Yes, daddy!

Fuck yeah, okay, Danny's turn.

Wreck me!

Just treat me like a hole!

Take five, boys.

Danny needs some love.

Flip over.

I want to see you.

Ugh, how can you be both slimy and prickly at the same time?

Well at least they were old enough

to not smell like Nana's diaper.

Hey genius, you didn't have to fuck them.

You could've left.

Eh, I was already there, and holes were in the air.

I cannot believe this is your favor.

Oh you don't understand how terrible they were.

If I had to go that whole night and not...

I gave you three outlets.

Yeah you did.

Oh they were so mad I didn't cum in them.

Ah, which made me feel like the belle of the ball.

Oh, by the way, my buddy Rodrigo

would like to have a threesome.

Oh, Rodrigo.

He's definitely a top.

Oh I'm sorry.

Must you be the only one?

Must you be the center of attention?

I prefer you to myself.

You know what?

Before we bring today's misadventure to a close,

I think it's important to disclaim that not all

open and poly couples behave the way

that sad sack and the bigot did.

Not all of those couples are using the ruse of dating

in order to secure a permanent hookup that will

fill the deficit that should have kept those two

from being together in the first place,

and/or keep them from breaking up.

You know, not all of those couples

are secretly or subconsciously

planning their exit strategy.

In fact, I bet there are a lot of open and poly couples

watching this show right now who are completely honest

with each other and love each other dearly,

and you know, they're only looking

to enrich their lives with more love.

Because as we all know, there is an infinite

amount of love in the universe.

You know what?

The second that I meet a couple like that,

I will let y'all know.

So. Many. Letters.

♪ You say you don't understand

♪ You say it isn't love ♪

♪ Oh just become my bae

♪ Come on, give it up

♪ Polyamory is what's good for me ♪

♪ Between him and me

♪ Don't care what you say

♪ This beat is crazy

♪ If you want to judge the way I live my life, baby don't ♪

♪ You just jealous 'cause I get what I want ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a freak elite ♪

♪ Get your freak on

♪ You can call me Drake

♪ 'Cause when I come through, I'm on my Lizzo ♪

♪ I got that juice

♪ Now what the new bae say