Original subtitles

Drink!

If Katya mentions "Contact" one more time,

I'm gonna die of alcohol poisoning.

The first one to die loses, Danny,

you don't strike me as someone who likes to lose.

Despite appearances, this is actually a first date.

I met Joey on one of the regular dating apps.

It was one of those matches

where the conversation just started flying

right out of the gate, you know?

Our interests, where we grew up, our jobs, Israel-Palestine,

all of the classic first date stuff.

We wrapped up in like four hours of rapid fire texting.

In fact, I had to demand that we stop texting

and just meet in person

for fear that we would have nothing else to talk about.

And, guys, it was as good in person as it was on the app.

Like, we had that familiarity

like we had just known each other forever.

And he looked like his pictures, like his actual pictures,

not his pictures plus 20 years and/or pounds,

which at my age is a real surprise.

Now, I usually wouldn't take a first date

back to my apartment

unless I wanted to fuck him and, like, only fuck him,

like I found him boring and/or odious,

but still wanted to know what his dick looked like.

It's my make lemonade out of lemons policy.

But this guy, I don't think I'm gonna fuck him tonight,

because I actually like him.

Guys, are you happy for me?

Be happy for me.

Plus, you're gonna get to watch us make out

all over this apartment.

Another?

And be real, I'm gonna suck his dick.

I'm always down for more Trixie and Katya.

This was the best idea.

The drinking game was the worst idea.

I forgot how much Katya mentioned "Contact"

in the beginning.

I, on the other hand, did not.

So, you're an alcoholic.

I knew there was a catch.

I'm just not a lightweight like some people.

No, it's more that hot snakes aren't

conducive to my bottoming journey.

What can I say?

I'm just so light and petite.

A gust of wind could blow me away.

Maybe during Katrina.

You know I like him if I let him make a weight gag.

If not, I would've slit his Achilles.

But I should probably slow down

as it is a school night.

Don't you have work in the morning, Tipsy McGee?

I'm a lawyer.

Half of them show up drunk.

The other half have cocaine in their desk.

- Are you into-- - Oh, no, no,

no, no, no.

Nothing up the nose.

Too close to the brain.

Oh, actually my nostrils are

the only holes I don't want filled.

Yowza!

But, yes, I do think five hours is

a good, even number for a first date, don't you?

Whoa.

I have to admit

there's a part of me that doesn't want it to end.

Me too.

Text me when you get home?

Oh, sure thing.

Goodnight, handsome.

What is wrong with you?

What?

You're being all mushy.

What?

You don't think this is a bit lovey-dovey for you?

I am a passionate lover.

I am filled with passion.

The last time I came over,

we pretended we were two Iraq war veterans

reconnecting after years

to talk about that one lonely night in the barracks.

That's...

That's passionate.

Knock it off.

What?

Don't fake moan.

It's not fake.

It's insulting.

Get off of me.

In Mattie's defense, there is a fake moan epidemic

that's running through the bottoming community.

I think they see it in porn

and they think they have to perform it.

Same reason why everyone's wearing ladies' panties

and wants to get choked all of a sudden.

It wasn't fake.

Yes, it was.

It was natural.

It felt good.

No, it wasn't.

No, it didn't. - Fuck you!

That is not what a fake moan sounds like.

A fake moan sounds like...

Stop it.

Stop it!

What is wrong with you?

I guess when someone fills you with the notion of cum,

they start to know something about you.

I think I have first date blue balls.

Excuse me?

I had a really, really good first date,

but it didn't end in the first kiss,

so I think it's made me, like, extra hungry for it.

You had a first date tonight?

Yeah, that's why my living room looks like a mess.

Oh, I just thought you were an alcoholic.

What?

It tracks.

So, you invited me over after a first date?

Yeah, a really good one.

There's no reason he shouldn't have kissed me.

Oh, I can think of about a million reasons.

Shut it.

Did you do something?

No, it was going really well up until the moment he left.

Did you say something?

I don't think so.

What was the last thing we talked about?

Oh, drugs.

It was a cocaine...

Oh, I said that my nostrils were

the only holes I didn't want filled.

So, you were yourself.

I think we have our answer.

That was funny.

It was also very forward.

Well, that's my brand.

I am an impish rascal, you know?

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

I think if he had a good time with you

and if he likes you as much as you like him,

he could have thrown cold water on it

to keep things from going too far.

I mean, I guess so.

But don't you think not kissing me is

a bit of an overcorrection.

I think that if you really like someone,

you try to not go too fast,

which is why when I met you,

I was inside you in the first five minutes.

On my bedroom floor, if I recall.

Yeah, we should do that again.

Wait, wait.

Okay.

So, what if I'm bound

on my kitchen floor after a home robbery?

You come in, you see the place is already ransacked,

but you're there to do the same thing,

so you can only take the only remaining thing of value.

Your wallet.

It's hot next time.

Yeah, next time.

As for now, are you gonna finish the job?

"Danny, I had an amazing time with you last night.

"Honestly, it was probably one

"of the best first dates I've had in a very long time.

"I hope this isn't too forward,

"but I would love to see you again tonight.

"Are you free for dinner?"

Isn't that amazing?

Amazing.

The day after a good first date is

always the most stressful.

In my personal experience,

only one out of every 10 great first dates ends

in something other than a ghosting.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had a date

where they ask me on a second date on the date

only to never hear from the motherfucker again.

And that is, because gay men are

people-pleasers and self-involved narcissists,

and they only care about that dopamine hit that you get

when you know someone wants to see you again.

They don't really care about your actual feelings.

And that is why I always proceed on a date

with the very healthy perspective

of "your a total piece of shit

"and I can't trust a thing that comes out of your mouth,"

and then it is on you to prove me wrong.

I appreciate your forwardness

and I would love to have dinner with you tonight.

How do you think I should bake in

a hint that I would like a first kiss?

He didn't kiss you yet?

No.

But you said it was a great first date.

- It was. - But he didn't kiss you.

Correct.

You're getting friend zoned.

Shouldn't you, and by you, I mean ChatGPT,

be drafting something

that I will inevitably have to throw out

and do myself from scratch?

I fucked him last season.

It was a whole thing.

Do you ever see yourself

leaving New York?

The city?

I don't know.

If you had asked me 10 years ago,

I would've said, "Hell, no."

But I know lately I kind of want some space, some land,

maybe get a place to retire to.

I've been feeling the itch too.

Might be nice for the little pup.

Are you talking about me or the dog?

It might be easier too on a dual income, you know?

See, Kyle, I'm not getting friend zoned.

Do you hold hands with your friends, Kyle?

Well, Kyle's in his twenties,

so he probably fucks all his friends,

but you know what I mean.

Well, there comes a time in my life

when I'm gonna have to just stop waiting for that

and go ahead and live it.

Something tells me you won't have to wait too long.

Well, this is me.

Yes, it is.

Around this weekend?

For you, yeah, absolutely.

Let's coordinate tomorrow.

Goodnight, handsome.

Is he waiting for marriage?

Like, if someone isn't texting me back,

I will wait a week, and then I'll send my standard,

"Hey, asshole, thanks for ghosting me,

"you immature piece of shit" message,

and then block them, because I'd like closure.

It's called maturity.

But this is...

I don't know what the fuck this is.

It's not ghosting.

It's...

All right, that's it.

You're going to bed without that,

but I'm expected to go to bed without my first kiss,

winky face.

Take that, motherfucker.

♪ Mattie

Well, well, well, what do we got here?

It looks like someone already got to the place before me.

No TV, no computer...

I'll tell you what, bud.

I didn't come all this way for nothing.

It looks like they left me something after all.

Did you order takeout?

Of course I didn't.

Is this some kind of gang-bang thing?

I don't know if I'm in the mood for that today.

I don't know who it is.

Untie me, you moron.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, sorry, I totally forgot something.

Can I come up just for a sec?

Sure.

Yeah, I haven't seen this guy's pics.

I don't know-- - Shut up and get in my room.

- What? - Hide, you whore.

This is my chance at love.

Wow, already dressed for bed, I see.

Yeah.

Did I take something of yours?

No, I just forgot to give you something.

It's our first kiss.

Goodnight.

Wasn't that sweet?

Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never be hard again.

Oh, you have no sense of romance.

That is never gonna work.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

I have never been less aroused in my entire life.

Do you want those?

Well, I see you know a mentally challenged toddler.

I went to some gay Halloween cookie decorating thing.

Well, now I've never been less aroused in my entire life.

Have them.

I really shouldn't be snacking.

Eat the fuckin' cookies!

Oh, I forgot something.

Sext me later, slut.

I'm gonna start using teeth.

See, he was just a little bashful getting started.

He just needed a little prompting.

We just had a delightful evening of "Drag Race" and takeout.

And there was a little footsie,

a lot of eye contact,

a little bit of hands on thighs.

And so, I decided to force the issue by just mounting him.

And here we are.

And now...

And now I'm primed to be off the market

and live a life of cozy movie nights, long weekends upstate,

and being filled with so much cum that I just jizz-mata.

So, question, on a scale of one to 10,

where would you say your libido scores?

Nine.

11.

Okay, so full disclosure, mine is probably at a four.

Ruh-roh.

However, I love pleasing my partner,

so I can always turn it on for him.

Okay.

But you should also know that I am a side.

A side?

Yes, that means I don't really care for penetrative sex.

I mean, I can definitely do it when my partner needs it,

but it's just not something I get pleasure out of.

So, like, every 5,000 miles, I get my oil changed?

Something like that.

Okay.

So, I have an indelicate question.

So, where would...

Where...

Where does the dick go?

Yours or mine?

Yours.

Mine just kind of flops around

or gets smashed into a mattress.

Well, a lot of places.

Your mouth if you want,

but getting head doesn't really get me off.

Does this guy like anything?

I consider myself a side, oral, service top,

which means you don't have to do anything to me

and I get all my pleasure out of making you feel good.

I mean...

I mean, that sounds promising.

Oh, I could eat you for hours.

Now that sounds very promising.

But it's getting late for tonight.

But if you're around tomorrow evening,

I've got several free hours.

Okay, well,

didn't see this on the bingo card for this year,

but I think I'm about to date a side.

- You? - Yes.

You are gonna date a side?

I like him.

If only I didn't have to

fill up on as much anal as possible.

Why would you do that to yourself?

Sides are valid, Mattie,

so I have learned.

Not everyone discriminates

based on sexual preference, Mike Pence.

Dating sides is valid.

People date sides,

you cannot.

We have the same interests.

He makes me laugh.

He's handsome.

He's incredibly sweet.

We have the same love languages.

Your love language is anal.

I am of a certain age.

You're 41.

Do not ever say anything like that to me again.

I am of a certain age, Mattie,

and dating is only getting harder.

And I don't wanna spend the rest of my life

having meaningless sex with a revolving door of guys.

I would like to fall in love again.

And I think that means it's time I grow up

and accept that I'm not going

to meet somebody who gives me everything I want.

I should probably just get as close as I can get,

take it as a win,

and, you know, take the offer on the table,

'cause there has not been anything

on the table in a long time.

Joey's on the table, so maybe it's time.

You don't strike me as the type of guy who'd settle.

I've had my fun.

I've been railed enough for several lifetimes.

I've been filled with so much Brazilian,

I could probably get dual citizenship.

We all settle in time.

It's probably my time.

Could he prune from this?

Guys, he wasn't joking around.

I mean, we're at, like, the 90 minute mark,

and he is good, he's really good, don't get me wrong,

but it's kind of like when you finish the appetizer

and you're sitting around wondering,

"Why hasn't the kitchen sent the main course yet?"

But it's something I can get used to.

Plus, you know, the benefits of Joey

far outweigh anything as trivial as sex.

You know, it's...

It's different,

but, you know, different isn't bad.

This is actually really big of me, honestly.

It's giving growth.

And as I get used to this new dynamic,

the bond I have with Joey's only gonna grow.

And eventually, you know, we'll fall in love.

And, well, at that point, you know what they say?

Love conquers all.

We broke up.

♪ It's a mutual attraction ♪

♪ It's a chemical reaction ♪

♪ But before we go any further

♪ Gonna have to work up a fervor ♪

♪ Do not buy a car before you drive it ♪

♪ Will not buy a bike before I ride it ♪