All language subtitles for Danny.Will.Die.Alone.S02E02.On.the.Side.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-Kitsune_track3_[eng]

Drink!

If Katya mentions
"Contact" one more time,

I'm gonna die of
alcohol poisoning.

The first one to die loses,
Danny,

you don't strike me as
someone who likes to lose.

Despite appearances, this
is actually a first date.

I met Joey on one of
the regular dating apps.

It was one of those matches

where the conversation
just started flying

right out of the gate, you know?

Our interests, where we grew
up, our jobs, Israel-Palestine,

all of the classic
first date stuff.

We wrapped up in like four
hours of rapid fire texting.

In fact, I had to demand
that we stop texting

and just meet in person

for fear that we would have
nothing else to talk about.

And, guys, it was as good in
person as it was on the app.

Like, we had that familiarity

like we had just known
each other forever.

And he looked like his pictures,
like his actual pictures,

not his pictures plus
20 years and/or pounds,

which at my age is a
real surprise.

Now, I usually wouldn't
take a first date

back to my apartment

unless I wanted to fuck him
and, like, only fuck him,

like I found him boring
and/or odious,

but still wanted to know
what his dick looked like.

It's my make lemonade
out of lemons policy.

But this guy, I don't think
I'm gonna fuck him tonight,

because I actually like him.

Guys, are you happy for me?

Be happy for me.

Plus, you're gonna get
to watch us make out

all over this apartment.

Another?

And be real, I'm gonna
suck his dick.

I'm always down for more
Trixie and Katya.

This was the best idea.

The drinking game was
the worst idea.

I forgot how much Katya
mentioned "Contact"

in the beginning.

I, on the other hand, did not.

So, you're an alcoholic.

I knew there was a catch.

I'm just not a lightweight
like some people.

No, it's more that
hot snakes aren't

conducive to my
bottoming journey.

What can I say?

I'm just so light and petite.

A gust of wind could
blow me away.

Maybe during Katrina.

You know I like him if I
let him make a weight gag.

If not, I would've slit
his Achilles.

But I should
probably slow down

as it is a school night.

Don't you have work in
the morning, Tipsy McGee?

I'm a lawyer.

Half of them show up drunk.

The other half have
cocaine in their desk.

- Are you into--
- Oh, no, no,

no, no, no.

Nothing up the nose.

Too close to the brain.

Oh, actually my nostrils are

the only holes I
don't want filled.

Yowza!

But, yes, I do think
five hours is

a good, even number for
a first date, don't you?

Whoa.

I have to admit

there's a part of me that
doesn't want it to end.

Me too.

Text me when you get home?

Oh, sure thing.

Goodnight, handsome.

What is wrong with you?

What?

You're being all mushy.

What?

You don't think this is
a bit lovey-dovey for you?

I am a passionate lover.

I am filled with passion.

The last time I came over,

we pretended we were two
Iraq war veterans

reconnecting after years

to talk about that one
lonely night in the barracks.

That's...

That's passionate.

Knock it off.

What?

Don't fake moan.

It's not fake.

It's insulting.

Get off of me.

In Mattie's defense, there
is a fake moan epidemic

that's running through
the bottoming community.

I think they see it in porn

and they think they have
to perform it.

Same reason why everyone's
wearing ladies' panties

and wants to get choked
all of a sudden.

It wasn't fake.

Yes, it was.

It was natural.

It felt good.

No, it wasn't.

No, it didn't.
- Fuck you!

That is not what a fake
moan sounds like.

A fake moan sounds like...

Stop it.

Stop it!

What is wrong with you?

I guess when someone fills
you with the notion of cum,

they start to know
something about you.

I think I have first
date blue balls.

Excuse me?

I had a really, really
good first date,

but it didn't end in
the first kiss,

so I think it's made me,
like, extra hungry for it.

You had a first date tonight?

Yeah, that's why my living
room looks like a mess.

Oh, I just thought
you were an alcoholic.

What?

It tracks.

So, you invited me over
after a first date?

Yeah, a really good one.

There's no reason he
shouldn't have kissed me.

Oh, I can think of
about a million reasons.

Shut it.

Did you do something?

No, it was going really well
up until the moment he left.

Did you say something?

I don't think so.

What was the last thing
we talked about?

Oh, drugs.

It was a cocaine...

Oh, I said that my nostrils were

the only holes I
didn't want filled.

So, you were yourself.

I think we have our answer.

That was funny.

It was also very forward.

Well, that's my brand.

I am an impish rascal, you know?

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

I think if he had a
good time with you

and if he likes you as
much as you like him,

he could have thrown
cold water on it

to keep things from
going too far.

I mean, I guess so.

But don't you think not
kissing me is

a bit of an overcorrection.

I think that if you
really like someone,

you try to not go too fast,

which is why when I met you,

I was inside you in
the first five minutes.

On my bedroom floor,
if I recall.

Yeah, we should do that again.

Wait, wait.

Okay.

So, what if I'm bound

on my kitchen floor after
a home robbery?

You come in, you see the
place is already ransacked,

but you're there to do
the same thing,

so you can only take the only
remaining thing of value.

Your wallet.

It's hot next time.

Yeah, next time.

As for now, are you gonna
finish the job?

"Danny, I had an amazing
time with you last night.

"Honestly, it was probably one

"of the best first dates
I've had in a very long time.

"I hope this isn't too forward,

"but I would love to
see you again tonight.

"Are you free for dinner?"

Isn't that amazing?

Amazing.

The day after a good
first date is

always the most stressful.

In my personal experience,

only one out of every 10
great first dates ends

in something other
than a ghosting.

I cannot tell you how many
times I have had a date

where they ask me on a
second date on the date

only to never hear from
the motherfucker again.

And that is, because gay men are

people-pleasers and
self-involved narcissists,

and they only care about that
dopamine hit that you get

when you know someone
wants to see you again.

They don't really care
about your actual feelings.

And that is why I always
proceed on a date

with the very
healthy perspective

of "your a total piece of shit

"and I can't trust a thing
that comes out of your mouth,"

and then it is on you to
prove me wrong.

I appreciate your forwardness

and I would love to have
dinner with you tonight.

How do you think I
should bake in

a hint that I would
like a first kiss?

He didn't kiss you yet?

No.

But you said it was a
great first date.

- It was.
- But he didn't kiss you.

Correct.

You're getting friend zoned.

Shouldn't you, and
by you, I mean ChatGPT,

be drafting something

that I will inevitably
have to throw out

and do myself from scratch?

I fucked him last season.

It was a whole thing.

Do you ever
see yourself

leaving New York?

The city?

I don't know.

If you had asked me
10 years ago,

I would've said, "Hell, no."

But I know lately I kind of
want some space, some land,

maybe get a place to retire to.

I've been feeling
the itch too.

Might be nice for
the little pup.

Are you talking about
me or the dog?

It might be easier too
on a dual income, you know?

See, Kyle, I'm not
getting friend zoned.

Do you hold hands with
your friends, Kyle?

Well, Kyle's in his twenties,

so he probably fucks
all his friends,

but you know what I mean.

Well, there comes a
time in my life

when I'm gonna have to
just stop waiting for that

and go ahead and live it.

Something tells me you
won't have to wait too long.

Well, this is me.

Yes, it is.

Around this weekend?

For you, yeah, absolutely.

Let's coordinate tomorrow.

Goodnight, handsome.

Is he waiting for marriage?

Like, if someone isn't
texting me back,

I will wait a week, and
then I'll send my standard,

"Hey, asshole, thanks
for ghosting me,

"you immature piece of shit"
message,

and then block them,
because I'd like closure.

It's called maturity.

But this is...

I don't know what the
fuck this is.

It's not ghosting.

It's...

All right, that's it.

You're going to bed
without that,

but I'm expected to go to
bed without my first kiss,

winky face.

Take that, motherfucker.

♪ Mattie

Well, well, well, what
do we got here?

It looks like someone already
got to the place before me.

No TV, no computer...

I'll tell you what, bud.

I didn't come all this
way for nothing.

It looks like they left
me something after all.

Did you order takeout?

Of course I didn't.

Is this some kind of
gang-bang thing?

I don't know if I'm in
the mood for that today.

I don't know who it is.

Untie me, you moron.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, sorry, I totally
forgot something.

Can I come up just for a sec?

Sure.

Yeah, I haven't seen
this guy's pics.

I don't know--
- Shut up and get in my room.

- What?
- Hide, you whore.

This is my chance at love.

Wow, already dressed for bed,
I see.

Yeah.

Did I take something of yours?

No, I just forgot to
give you something.

It's our first kiss.

Goodnight.

Wasn't that sweet?

Well, I'm pretty sure
I'll never be hard again.

Oh, you have no
sense of romance.

That is never gonna work.

Where the fuck do you
think you're going?

I have never been less
aroused in my entire life.

Do you want those?

Well, I see you know a
mentally challenged toddler.

I went to some gay Halloween
cookie decorating thing.

Well, now I've never been
less aroused in my entire life.

Have them.

I really shouldn't
be snacking.

Eat the fuckin' cookies!

Oh, I forgot something.

Sext me later, slut.

I'm gonna start using teeth.

See, he was just a little
bashful getting started.

He just needed a
little prompting.

We just had a delightful evening
of "Drag Race" and takeout.

And there was a little footsie,

a lot of eye contact,

a little bit of hands on thighs.

And so, I decided to force the
issue by just mounting him.

And here we are.

And now...

And now I'm primed to be
off the market

and live a life of cozy movie
nights, long weekends upstate,

and being filled with so
much cum that I just jizz-mata.

So, question, on a
scale of one to 10,

where would you say your
libido scores?

Nine.

11.

Okay, so full disclosure,
mine is probably at a four.

Ruh-roh.

However, I love
pleasing my partner,

so I can always turn
it on for him.

Okay.

But you should also
know that I am a side.

A side?

Yes, that means I don't
really care for penetrative sex.

I mean, I can definitely do
it when my partner needs it,

but it's just not something
I get pleasure out of.

So, like, every 5,000
miles, I get my oil changed?

Something like that.

Okay.

So, I have an
indelicate question.

So, where would...

Where...

Where does the dick go?

Yours or mine?

Yours.

Mine just kind of flops around

or gets smashed into a mattress.

Well, a lot of places.

Your mouth if you want,

but getting head doesn't
really get me off.

Does this guy like anything?

I consider myself a
side, oral, service top,

which means you don't
have to do anything to me

and I get all my pleasure
out of making you feel good.

I mean...

I mean, that sounds promising.

Oh, I could eat you for hours.

Now that sounds
very promising.

But it's getting
late for tonight.

But if you're around
tomorrow evening,

I've got several free hours.

Okay, well,

didn't see this on the
bingo card for this year,

but I think I'm about
to date a side.

- You?
- Yes.

You are gonna date a side?

I like him.

If only I didn't have to

fill up on as much
anal as possible.

Why would you do
that to yourself?

Sides are valid, Mattie,

so I have learned.

Not everyone discriminates

based on sexual preference,
Mike Pence.

Dating sides is valid.

People date sides,

you cannot.

We have the same interests.

He makes me laugh.

He's handsome.

He's incredibly sweet.

We have the same love languages.

Your love language is anal.

I am of a certain age.

You're 41.

Do not ever say anything
like that to me again.

I am of a certain age, Mattie,

and dating is only
getting harder.

And I don't wanna spend
the rest of my life

having meaningless sex with
a revolving door of guys.

I would like to fall
in love again.

And I think that means
it's time I grow up

and accept that I'm not going

to meet somebody who gives
me everything I want.

I should probably just
get as close as I can get,

take it as a win,

and, you know, take
the offer on the table,

'cause there has not
been anything

on the table in a long time.

Joey's on the table, so
maybe it's time.

You don't strike me as the
type of guy who'd settle.

I've had my fun.

I've been railed enough
for several lifetimes.

I've been filled with so
much Brazilian,

I could probably get
dual citizenship.

We all settle in time.

It's probably my time.

Could he prune from this?

Guys, he wasn't joking around.

I mean, we're at, like,
the 90 minute mark,

and he is good, he's really
good, don't get me wrong,

but it's kind of like when
you finish the appetizer

and you're sitting
around wondering,

"Why hasn't the kitchen
sent the main course yet?"

But it's something I
can get used to.

Plus, you know, the
benefits of Joey

far outweigh anything as
trivial as sex.

You know, it's...

It's different,

but, you know,
different isn't bad.

This is actually really
big of me, honestly.

It's giving growth.

And as I get used to
this new dynamic,

the bond I have with
Joey's only gonna grow.

And eventually, you
know, we'll fall in love.

And, well, at that point,
you know what they say?

Love conquers all.

We broke up.

♪ It's a mutual attraction ♪

♪ It's a chemical reaction ♪

♪ But before we go any further

♪ Gonna have to work
up a fervor ♪

♪ Do not buy a car before
you drive it ♪

♪ Will not buy a bike
before I ride it ♪