All language subtitles for Danny.Will.Die.Alone.S02E01.Melvin.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-Kitsune_track3_[eng]

Ah! Ah.

What do you want from me?!

I want you to suck this dick!

I love Matty.

Hello friends,

and welcome back to my
misadventures in dating.

I am unhappy to report

that very little has changed
since I last saw you.

I'm still single and gay men
are still objectively terrible.

Surprised? Me thinks not.

Oh, at least there's Matty...

Having abandoned the
hookup apps in favor

of a dates only mentality,

My frustration over the deficit

of cocks entering my
orifices on a regular basis,

reached a fever pitch,

thereby leading Matty
into my welcoming holes.

Think of him as a temporary
salve, substituting thorough

and regular breedings
for the love

and affection I
ultimately crave.

You get it.

But fear not, after the
typical summer drought

of relationship potential,

a new line of suitors
have begun forming.

And I, I cannot wait for you

to share in my inevitable
disappointment.

But for now, allow me to relish

in Matty's delightful
imagination,

Billy Club of a Cock and-

♪ Best part of waking up
is nut up in my guts ♪

Why is everyone either
married or ugly?

So rude.

Every morning I open
each of my dating apps

and allow myself about
10 swipes each,

which I feel is a
sufficient cull.

If I am fortunate, I will come
across one to two profiles

that scream, "Oh, I
would fuck you."

And they inevitably wind
up being fellow bottoms.

Now, if I'm very fortunate,

I'll come across some
cross-pollinization,

which is where I find the
same person on the dating app

and the hookup app.

Yes...

Yes, I still check it
just occasionally

I am weak.

But I gotta tell you, there
is nothing better than talking

with someone on a dating app
about long walks on the beach

and cozy nights of snuggling,

only to find their hookup
app titled, "Pig trainer

for eager cum dumpsters."

We all contain multitudes.

The reason that I only find
one to two profiles worthy

of my time and attention
is because, spoiler alert,

most people are either
dreadfully boring

or entirely unhinged.

Column A...

oh, you're into coffee and,
and pizza?

Traveling and hanging
with friends?

Wow, I was so touched by
that part of your profile

where you said that you
weren't good at "writing things

like this"...

And you love dogs?

Your banality is wasting
precious oxygen

on this withering planet, m'guy.

And then that brings
us to column B,

where you get the all-caps
laundry list of all

of the things the person
is not looking for.

And to them, I say,

"Putting in your profile that
you are not into playing games

is not going to stop someone
who is into playing games

from playing games with you."

And if you are unfortunate
enough to come across me,

you are basically begging

to have your time wasted
in gamesmanship

for my own perverse enjoyment.

Because if I'm not
going to find love,

I'm at least gonna have
a good fucken time.

Which brings us to Melvin.

Well M for now,

because why would you put
your first name

on a dating profile?

M is the unique combination
of both columns A and B.

For illustrative purposes,

let's refer to this side
of our screen.

Alright, so we got
Melvin over here,

and first thing we notice
is he has a profile

that's entirely
devoted to travel.

It's a flex for sure.

You know, displaying
your disposable income

and your desire to
learn about new cultures

and expand your horizons from
whatever major hotel chain

or resort you're staying in.

But unlike all of you, I
couldn't be less impressed

by the extraordinarily common,

"My personality is my
passport profile,"

because all it makes
me think is,

what are you running from?

My profile, on the other
hand, is perfectly crafted.

It has a picture of my
dog, my sexual position,

and exactly one shirtless
selfie in supernatural lighting

that I will never find again.

As well as a smattering
of interests and hobbies

that make me seem like a unique

and fully realized human
being as opposed to an NPC.

For purposes of today's
story, it's important

to note this part of my
profile here where I note

that I am into, among
other things, witty banter.

Back over to M, we
noticed the sheer amount

of shirtless photos and
not like, not like selfies,

like shit's on a timer.

But despite all of those
turnoffs, I still think to
myself,

"Yeah, I would fuck him."

And so I swipe right...

Kaza!

He's already swiped me,
and thus a match is made.

The game is afoot.

Now, my personal etiquette
for messaging is,

he who makes the match is
the first one to message.

And that's with one caveat,
which is, after you match

and you read the profile
for the very first time,

you find out that you're
the same sexual position.

And that happens all of the time

because the dating apps are the
land of the unwanted bottom.

No such foul with M here,

and so I continue to write
an entirely appropriate

and typical introductory message

that has been acceptable
in human society

since the invention of language.

Alright, now we wait for,

oh, he really jumps on
those notifications.

Don't you love the smell of
desperation in the morning?

Wild...

Truly wild!

Now, there are two
readings of this.

The first is quippy and witty.

You know, he's talking about
my lack of wit in my message,

despite my interest in wit
in the profile.

And you know,

there's something I can
do with that.

The other reading of
this is cunty.

Fortunately, there is
a way to clear this up

with one simple text.

Licky, licky, licky.

Cunt it is!

And now we wait the
inevitable tirade.

But this would be a good
point to pause

if you'd like to get a snack.

Hmm, we are off to the races.

Why is it so hard
for all y'all? Hm?

None of you know how to
actually hold a conversation.

Is this just all just
a game to you?

Well, fortunately for you, there
are people like me out here

to teach y'all how to
act, how to come correct.

And I have all the
time in the world

to teach you the
lesson you need.

All right, so Melvin is
clearly unwell.

Best guess is, like me,

he's not having the best
time on the dating apps.

He's lonely, he's
looking for love,

and he's tired of dealing
with all of the flakes

and the fakes and things
just not working out for him.

And so he comes across
what he believes to be

yet another non-committal
person who's just using the apps

like a slot machine, getting
that high from the match and

otherwise not putting
much into it.

And so he lashes out and
vents his anger

and frustration
through his phone

in the way you or I would,

we would do it in the
comments section

of a social media post
of a female comedian.

And so, assuming all of that,

the kindest thing
for me to do is

bow out,

undo the match, hope he
finds what he is looking for.

You knew I would
choose violence.

No, don't tell anyone.

Oh, I know what, no,
I promise.

This is our secret, bud.

I know. No,
no one will know.

I, I promise.

If your mom finds out,
we can't do this again.

Oh, I promise, stepdad.

Yeah, I promise I'll be a
very good boy.

I won't tell anybody I pro-

I know we're both the same age,
but

stepson is a state of mind.

That better be a Yelp review.

- Four stars.
- Four?

Well, you were only
my stepfather.

Even I have limits.

Four.

What are you doing?

Fighting with some twat
on a dating app.

Do you have to do that now?

I can't let it go too
long without responding

because he jumps on his messages

and I don't wanna risk
him having the last word,

and then unmatching.

Arrive, make out, get naked.

He gives me head, I rim
him, I fuck him, he leaves.

None of my others have any
problems following this agenda.

But with you, there's
always something batshit

thrown into the mix.

Yeah, but I'm not like all
of your other little twinks

and all of their little,
"Ow, wait, hold on.

Huh. Ow. Wait. Ah.

Tss, ooh, ow, can you,

oh, can we take a break?"

That is
frustratingly accurate.

Why can't you just unmatch
with him after your message?

Because I haven't had
enough fun yet.

You're unhinged.

I'm not unhinged.
He's unhinged!

I am simply prompting
him to unravel

and put his unhingedness
on full display.

To what end?

Until I cum!

What is wrong with you?

Okay, so what do you
think about this?

"Look here, you snarky,
little cum fart"?

Wrong.

What?

You're doing it wrong.

Now, I'm pretty
sure you can tell

I'm not one for
constructive criticism,

but I probably should have
asked Matty how

to do this in the first place.

I mean, just look at him.

He's the type that triggers
Melvins all the time.

I guarantee you, he is the
aloof, non-committal sack

of potatoes that's using
the dating apps as time

to pass on the toilet

and has never had intention
of actually meeting anyone.

I mean, he's, he's good looking.

He's good in bad, he's filthy,
he's hung.

Those are all the signs of
emotional unavailability.

You know, I bet he has
infuriated every bottom looking

for love in the greater
New York City metro area.

So he really is the best person
to dole out advice on how

to handle good old Melvin.

All right, so how do I
spin Melvin out?

Melvin?

It's the name I've given him.

That's good.

So like, do you wanna
punch up cum fart or?

One word.

Hmm?

One word answers.

Look, there's nothing
that Melvins hate more

than being ignored,

but eventually they give up

when they don't get the
attention they want.

And apparently you're
not quite ready for that.

So you wanna keep the
person going?

You gotta poke 'em. One
word answers.

I'm telling you.

You don't have any
clue as to how

to actually approach a person

and engage in
meaningful conversation

because people like you
are just so basic.

Just basic boys wasting the
time of real men like me

who are serious people.

You're an unserious person

just wasting important
people's time.

Loser.

PS, just looked at your pics
again. You have crazy eyes.

Okay, let's break this down.

So first off, he can't send
anything in under four messages.

That means he's triggered.

Oh, and you see all these
little insults?

It's him trying to trigger you.

Yeah, he wants a fight.

He wants you to say, "I'm
not a loser. You're a loser.

And you wonder why you're
still single? You psycho."

Or something like that.

So I'm gonna send...

That is infuriating!

I could fuck you again.

You know what guys?
Matty was right.

Responding with my own vitriol
really just lowered me down

to Melvin's level of
derangement:

"You're pathetic. You
have a sad life.

You should spend more
time at the gym."

You know what, I have been
feeling bloated a bit lately,

so he might not be wrong.

"You give small dick energy."

Oh, oh, oh guys, I think
we hit the jackpot.

I just started a seven
day stay at a five star resort

and you are eating ice
cream on your couch.

Can we get seven days
on the clock?

Because I think we
have our purpose.

At first, I had interest in
watching the self-immolation

for the same reasons that
you gawk at a car crash

when you pass it on the highway.

But now I think we know the
reason why the universe has

brought Melvin into my life.

And that is so I can make sure
he spends every waking moment

of the next seven days

of this beautiful
vacation engaged

in a one-sided argument
with me.

Oh wait, should I have
gotten ice cream?

You could never
have the life I have.

I've worked hard my entire
life and you're what?

Some trust fund baby,

just sitting on your ass all day

having things handed to you?

You have a really sad life.

That's not my name.
You don't know my name.

You haven't earned that
privilege, baby.

Knowing me is a privilege.

And you could have had it
if someone ever

taught you how to act.

Fortunately for you,
there's people like me

who can teach you,
aren't you happy

I'm here to teach you,
little boy?

Doesn't that mean you feel
special the way everyone has
made

you feel special
your whole life,

despite never deserving it?

I bet you no one has
ever loved you.

And anyone who said they did,
lied to you,

lied to you several times.

Don't worry, you can
tell me the truth.

Isn't that true, white boy?

Are you as pathetic as
you look, white boy?

No wonder no one likes you.

I bet your family hates
you too, white boy.

Rut-ro!

So we've come to an interesting
crossroads in our journey

with Melvin as he has decided
to make things racial.

And that is obviously a
very, very dangerous thing

for this little white face.

All right, so the Matty
on my shoulder says that,

he's just trying to
trigger me, provoke me,

drag me into a discussion
on race, which is

obviously a no win scenario,
no bueno.

But on my other shoulder
sits white guilt,

which makes me wanna fall all
over myself and explain that,

"No, no, my torment of you
has nothing to do with that."

And, "Oh my God, I've enjoyed

so many black cocks
over the years"

and you know that, that,

"but I have black friends"
excuse

that no one should ever use, ever.

Me thinks I need to
phone a friend.

Not, not, not a,

not a black friend...

Matty,

so Melvin has decided
to make things racial,

which is kind of home
court advantage for him.

Do you think I should continue
with my current strategy

or do you have a recommendation
in case of such an event?

Well, he's no help.

Okay, so if I address it,

ugh,

alright, so if if I don't
address it, then

That's risky.

I knew they hated you.

Is it hard to hear

the truth about you?
- ...overboard.

Has anyone ever...

Guys, I think we lost him.
Fuck!

We were doing so well.

Maybe that racial gambit
was his Hail Mary.

And when that didn't work, he
gave up his argument with me

and started enjoying
his vacation.

On the one hand that's
kind of good for me too

because I've done absolutely
nothing these last few days.

Wanted to keep myself available
for any incoming insanity.

But on the other hand, I
still three days left of ruin.

How do we resuscitate?

So two weeks later,

whoopsy-doodle, I've
got a positive result.

So I'm thinking, would
Dylan be a good father?

Then I remember, his name
was Daryl, so...

I could ask Matty, but he
already thinks I'm a lunatic

and I cannot risk losing
that valuable cock.

And I could ask Sally here,

but she's a straight woman
so she wouldn't get it.

And honestly she keeps
going on and on

about wanting me to be
a better person

and I really can't hear
that shit right now.

Alright?

What is triggering?

What triggers me?

And then ultimately I ended
up getting the abortion,

but now that he hasn't
texted me back,

I feel like I should have
told him I was gonna keep it,

that way...

Bicycles on sidewalks, astrology.

Ugh, that Michael Urie
Christmas movie?

Think Danny, think.

So what do you think?

About what?

Daryl not texting me back.

Jesus fucken Christ!

Look Sally, we have been here.

I'm just gonna tell you the
same thing I always tell you,

women's problems are stupid.

Not like women's issues.

Like you should be able to
get an abortion whenevs,

and actually, I kind of wish
I could perform them myself.

Anything, literally anything
to get less children on planes.

If he texts you, he
wants to fuck you.

If he doesn't text you,
doesn't wanna fuck you.

There are no ulterior motives.

There are no hidden agendas
when it comes to straight men.

He either didn't
enjoy fucking you,

found someone new to fuck
or is petrified

of your apparent fertility.

Right.

But what if I told him I was
gonna keep it? And then...

The only way that
you're gonna get him

to message you back is
if you text him, "Hey,"

or "what's up?",

between the hours of
11:00 PM and 4:00 AM

when his erection is strong
and his options limited.

That is the only way you're
gonna trigger him to,

oh my god, Sally, you're
a fucken genius.

Okay.

And then if I do that
and he responds, do I...

Oh my god, Sally,
shut the fuck up.

Just shut up a fucking
moment, Jesus fucken Christ.

You, you,

you think I would ever
let you touch me?

You think I would ever
lower my standards so low

as to get with you?

Not even a pity fuck
for someone so...

♪ Oh, hello daddy

♪ Oh, hello daddy

♪ I sure hope you don't
want me to wear a thong ♪

Oh, sorry.

Just setting up my new
line of suitors

since it is day seven,

which means the
whirlwind romance

is about to come to an end.

I'm gonna have more free time.

Though our love was short-lived,

I will cherish the memories
I've made with Melvin forever.

And as we bring our episode to
a close, it's naturally time

that I, the lead character,
learned my lesson.

I reflect on all of the
time I wasted in an argument

with Melvin when I really
should have just approached him

with kindness and, and
understanding.

Because we're all just
human beings.

You know, we're all
doing the best we can do.

And dating's tough enough
without getting involved in all

this unnecessary drama.

You know, Melvin and I, we
have a sort of kinship, right?

'Cause there have been
times in my life

where I as well would've
been triggered by the kind

of conversation we were having.

You know, I could
offer an apology

and ask for forgiveness for
not taking the higher road.

And maybe,

maybe Melvin would offer
an apology in return.

Right?

Explain to me that, yeah,

he's had a terrible time
on the dating apps and,

and in a moment of weakness,
he came across someone

who again, was a monosyllabic
dating app texter,

putting in the barest of
minimum efforts

and ultimately leading
him on a road to nowhere.

And his fury over that,
sent him into a tailspin.

You know, maybe we'll meet
in person one day, right?

Would we fall in love?

Why, I think that's a stretch.

But maybe we'll get a coffee

and commiserate over our
dating stories.

We'll leave satisfied,

content, that a truce has
been called and

best case scenario,

maybe even remain friends.

Oh, unfortunately this
isn't that kind of show.

Getting ready to
board my plane,

but I'll be right back.

Do you know what that is
sweetie? A plane?

That's what rich people
ride when they travel.

I'm sure you haven't
heard of it,

so let me explain.

Sorry, Melvin, but
it's time to say goodbye.

I have reached my goal of

manipulating you into wasting

your entire vacation

on having a one-sided

argument

with me.

But whatever you do,

don't forget about the
special time we shared.

In a way

I cannot truly explain...

I love you, Melvin.

And...

Block.

♪ Cinderella turns at midnight

♪ She's not who she was
in daylight ♪

♪ Stand 'em side by side

♪ They all so different

♪ Split in two on the inside

♪ In the bed Jekyll
becomes Hyde ♪

♪ Didn't she tell you
Brittany's not that innocent? ♪

♪ Do you try and your eye says

♪ You're gonna gimme
up all night ♪

♪ Let's get right

♪ Get to drive

♪ Love, get outta
your own mind ♪

♪ They don't even know ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Just how far you'll go

♪ So in one, I get two

♪ Now nothing less will do

♪ Got sweet, got salt

♪ Got zest, it's all
your fault ♪

♪ Work my body like no other

♪ But still safe to
take you to the mother ♪

♪ Watch you walk around
with that halo ♪

♪ But you'll take that off
when I say so ♪

♪ Too hot to take, too
hot to take ♪

♪ Too hot to take ♪

♪ Oh, I think heaven sent you ♪

♪ Get on in

♪ No, I won't match you ♪