Original subtitles

♪ I Take this one so I don't get AIDS ♪

♪ And take another one to avoid a murder/suicide ♪

Oh, hello.

So you've had a peek into my love life

over these last few months.

Wanna do like a little check-in?

On a scale of bleak to suicide,

how do you think my, uh, prospects have been?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

So I thought it was time to call in a professional.

I have emptied a good amount of my savings

in order to invest in myself and my future happiness.

And so today you will be joining me

on my very first appointment with a professional matchmaker.

I know, I know, but the apps aren't apping,

and, ah, I need an intervention.

Fortunately, I am in the privileged position

of being able to throw money at a problem.

So here we go.

Hi, Debbie, nice to meet you.

Oh!

Danny!

Oh, you are a cutie.

You already have my money, Debs.

And you're funny too.

Oh, you know, usually the people who come

to me have problems getting a date.

Not encouraging.

Oh, stop it.

Look, I have got somebody perfect for you,

so don't you worry one little bit.

Now I have read your intake form,

and I wanted to take an opportunity

just to get to know you a little bit better,

get a sense of your personality, and you know,

maybe answer any questions you might have.

Does that sound good?

Well, how about you walk me through your process?

Alright, excellent.

So you purchased our Perfect Match three pack,

which gives you three bachelor meets.

So we'll arrange the first date

and ask for a brief feedback call after each one.

And then if the two of you wanna meet again,

we'll exchange contact information

and let the two of you take it from there.

And do I get to see any of these guys

before I subject myself to them?

Oh, well we will have an intro call before each one,

and I'll tell you a bit about each.

But the dates themselves are completely blind.

I'm not sure Debbie appreciates the importance

of my partner's fuckability to my future happiness.

But we just have one little rule,

no sex on the first date.

Um...

Uh, Danny, did you hear that? I think your screen froze.

No, no, I'm, I'm here.

So let's talk about your potential matches.

Do you have any limits to race tiers?

Race tiers?

Yes, well, a lot of people desire a comparable race

or something close to.

So what is the lowest tier that I can dip into?

Oh, I would be delighted to hear more

about the composition and ranking of, of said tiers.

Oh, you know.

All tiers.

She already has my money.

Oh, great. Okay, and what about age?

Well, it's less about a number and more, um,

gotta have the maturity of someone over the age of 35

and like physical fitness of someone no worse than 50.

Wow, you are just so open,

and honestly, this is just so refreshing.

Alright, religious preferences?

Preference for none.

Great! That's easy.

I mean, [sighs] honey,

if you're all gonna go to hell anyway,

does it really matter which one sends you there?

Nailed it, Debs.

We recommend that you take the time

to write an introductory letter to your future dates,

you know, something short, sweet, and genuine.

I find that a lot of my clients like to put themselves

out there in a more vulnerable way, and I find it really-

Absolutely not!

Okay.

Alright, uh, give me your description

of your perfect match in just four words.

Um...

Oh.

Uh, donkey, dick, daddy, pervert.

Uh, Debs, think your screen froze. You still there?

No, no. I'm, I'm here.

I will get working on your first match and be in touch soon.

So you just have a great day.

Alright, Debs. Let's see what you got.

Hi, Debbie.

Okay, Danny, so your first match is someone

who I am really excited about.

His name is Seth,

and he's very accomplished in literary circles.

Um, I placed him with a few guys in the past,

and I came to realize that he needs someone

who's got more of, um, edge.

He's very handsome.

Kind of a boyish charm, little twinkle in the eye.

And I think the two of you would get along really well.

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you're Seth.

Danny.

Wow.

Debbie's really outdone herself.

You unbutton any more of those buttons,

I'm gonna stick my face in there.

Debbie said we're not supposed to have sex

on the first date.

Doesn't mean I can't make you want it.

Fuck yes, Debbie.

Don't you have big dick energy.

And the equipment to back it up. You'll see.

Should we get our table?

It'll be a small wedding, hmm!

So...

You gonna ask for my number?

I thought we're supposed to let Debbie do that.

Fuck Debbie.

Number?

Ooh, eight, eight and a half.

Nine from the base. Phone number?

I do.

Debs, I don't know where you found this guy,

but he's fucking perfect.

He's handsome, he's sweet, he's a total scoundrel,

and I'm here for it.

Second date. Second date now.

Oh, Danny, that's amazing,

and I'm so happy you had a great time.

Okay, so unfortunately,

Seth didn't think it was a match,

so he's passing on a second date.

What?

No, don't get discouraged, Danny.

This happens all the time, and it's great information for me

because now I know what kind of guy-

He asked for my number.

Well, Seth ultimately decided he's gonna give it

another go with his ex.

Look, a lot of times clients come to me

to see what's on the market, and after they do,

they decide they had it better off before.

Bleak, Debbie! That's bleak.

Well, the good news

is that I've already got a second match for you.

His name is Ron and he made all of his money in finance,

so now he is pursuing a career in fitness training.

So he spends a lot of time in the gym,

which I think you're gonna notice first off.

And he's looking for something serious

after being off the market for a while.

Alright, so you're joining us about an hour

into this slog.

Ron is as handsome as he is boring.

Hot, handsome, personality of bread.

I will still fuck him. Hmm!

And now back to our broadcast already in progress.

So what new shows you watching these days?

None actually.

I think I'm at that age

where I've seen everything I want

and I just rewatch old stuff I know.

I definitely get that.

I mean, there's some shows I can just watch forever

and still belly laugh.

Oh, definitely, like "30 Rock". That is a great rewatch.

Never seen it.

I highly recommend.

Um, oh, and you know what?

If I'm honest, "Will and Grace" still does it for me.

Not really my thing, but "Big Bang Theory",

I laugh ass my off.

Bitch, when?

Oh God, if he says two and- - "Two and a Half Men".

I mean, I watch those two in a loop.

It's the only shows I need.

Are you ready for the check?

Are you sure I can't give a ride home?

That is very sweet,

but it actually takes me half the time on the train.

But if I don't give you a ride home,

how can you invite me up?

Debbie was very clear.

Ugh, you don't strike me as a rule follower.

Let me at least give you my number.

Suggesting breaking yet another rule?

Just this once.

That is so great to hear!

Unfortunately, Ron didn't feel the same,

so he's declined a second date.

What in the actual fuck, Debbie?

You know what I think?

I just think most of my clients

are a lot more discerning than you are.

You seem open to a lot of things,

while by the time someone comes looking to me for help,

they're looking for something really specific.

Employed, attractive, nice, not boring, fat cock.

What's so difficult about that?

So for your third and final match,

I think I've honed in on the formula.

Well, I certainly hope so,

considering the amount of money I have paid you.

Well, well, I can't promise you, um,

all of your requirements.

He is an extremely open person in the way that you are,

excited by all possibilities of connection.

Greg retired early, so he's not technically employed,

but he has a very active lifestyle.

♪ Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy

♪ The pipes are calling ♪

Fuck you, Debbie.

♪ From Glen to Glen

♪ From, from, from, from ♪