Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:05,551
♪ I Take this one so I
don't get AIDS ♪
2
00:00:05,551 --> 00:00:10,793
♪ And take another one to
avoid a murder/suicide ♪
3
00:00:12,034 --> 00:00:13,275
Oh, hello.
4
00:00:15,413 --> 00:00:17,620
So you've had a peek
into my love life
5
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:19,172
over these last few months.
6
00:00:19,172 --> 00:00:20,931
Wanna do like a little check-in?
7
00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:24,241
On a scale of bleak to suicide,
8
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:27,137
how do you think my,
uh, prospects have been?
9
00:00:27,137 --> 00:00:28,448
Yeah, yeah, I know.
10
00:00:28,448 --> 00:00:31,551
So I thought it was time
to call in a professional.
11
00:00:31,551 --> 00:00:34,344
I have emptied a good
amount of my savings
12
00:00:34,344 --> 00:00:37,413
in order to invest in myself
and my future happiness.
13
00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,689
And so today you will
be joining me
14
00:00:39,689 --> 00:00:44,103
on my very first appointment
with a professional matchmaker.
15
00:00:46,275 --> 00:00:48,034
I know, I know, but
the apps aren't apping,
16
00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:50,586
and, ah, I need an intervention.
17
00:00:50,586 --> 00:00:52,965
Fortunately, I am in
the privileged position
18
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,965
of being able to throw
money at a problem.
19
00:00:54,965 --> 00:00:57,172
So here we go.
20
00:00:57,172 --> 00:00:59,310
Hi, Debbie, nice to meet you.
21
00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:00,275
Oh!
22
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:01,931
Danny!
23
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,413
Oh, you are a cutie.
24
00:01:03,413 --> 00:01:05,172
You already have my money,
Debs.
25
00:01:05,172 --> 00:01:07,137
And you're funny too.
26
00:01:07,137 --> 00:01:08,862
Oh, you know, usually the
people who come
27
00:01:08,862 --> 00:01:11,275
to me have problems
getting a date.
28
00:01:11,275 --> 00:01:12,103
Not encouraging.
29
00:01:12,103 --> 00:01:13,206
Oh, stop it.
30
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:14,862
Look, I have got somebody
perfect for you,
31
00:01:14,862 --> 00:01:17,310
so don't you worry
one little bit.
32
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,965
Now I have read your
intake form,
33
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:22,586
and I wanted to take
an opportunity
34
00:01:22,586 --> 00:01:24,448
just to get to know you
a little bit better,
35
00:01:24,448 --> 00:01:27,103
get a sense of your
personality, and you know,
36
00:01:27,103 --> 00:01:28,931
maybe answer any questions
you might have.
37
00:01:28,931 --> 00:01:30,241
Does that sound good?
38
00:01:30,241 --> 00:01:32,241
Well, how about you walk
me through your process?
39
00:01:32,241 --> 00:01:33,448
Alright, excellent.
40
00:01:33,448 --> 00:01:36,655
So you purchased our
Perfect Match three pack,
41
00:01:36,655 --> 00:01:39,448
which gives you three
bachelor meets.
42
00:01:39,448 --> 00:01:41,344
So we'll arrange the first date
43
00:01:41,344 --> 00:01:44,689
and ask for a brief feedback
call after each one.
44
00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:47,344
And then if the two of
you wanna meet again,
45
00:01:47,344 --> 00:01:49,482
we'll exchange
contact information
46
00:01:49,482 --> 00:01:51,931
and let the two of you
take it from there.
47
00:01:51,931 --> 00:01:54,206
And do I get to see
any of these guys
48
00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:56,551
before I subject myself to them?
49
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:59,896
Oh, well we will have an
intro call before each one,
50
00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:01,482
and I'll tell you a
bit about each.
51
00:02:01,482 --> 00:02:04,793
But the dates themselves
are completely blind.
52
00:02:06,689 --> 00:02:08,689
I'm not sure Debbie
appreciates the importance
53
00:02:08,689 --> 00:02:11,275
of my partner's fuckability
to my future happiness.
54
00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,862
But we just have
one little rule,
55
00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:15,448
no sex on the first date.
56
00:02:19,758 --> 00:02:20,620
Um...
57
00:02:22,413 --> 00:02:26,620
Uh, Danny, did you hear that?
I think your screen froze.
58
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,448
No, no, I'm, I'm here.
59
00:02:30,448 --> 00:02:32,931
So let's talk about
your potential matches.
60
00:02:32,931 --> 00:02:35,482
Do you have any limits
to race tiers?
61
00:02:37,068 --> 00:02:38,724
Race tiers?
62
00:02:38,724 --> 00:02:41,241
Yes, well, a lot of people
desire a comparable race
63
00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:42,482
or something close to.
64
00:02:42,482 --> 00:02:45,793
So what is the lowest
tier that I can dip into?
65
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,758
Oh, I would be
delighted to hear more
66
00:02:51,758 --> 00:02:55,862
about the composition and
ranking of, of said tiers.
67
00:02:57,586 --> 00:02:58,448
Oh, you know.
68
00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:04,137
All tiers.
69
00:03:04,137 --> 00:03:05,586
She already has my money.
70
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,275
Oh, great.
Okay, and what about age?
71
00:03:09,275 --> 00:03:12,482
Well, it's less
about a number and more, um,
72
00:03:12,482 --> 00:03:15,000
gotta have the maturity of
someone over the age of 35
73
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,793
and like physical fitness
of someone no worse than 50.
74
00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:19,862
Wow, you are just so open,
75
00:03:19,862 --> 00:03:23,172
and honestly, this is
just so refreshing.
76
00:03:23,172 --> 00:03:25,000
Alright, religious preferences?
77
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,103
Preference for none.
78
00:03:26,103 --> 00:03:27,206
Great! That's easy.
79
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:28,344
I mean, [sighs] honey,
80
00:03:28,344 --> 00:03:29,758
if you're all gonna go
to hell anyway,
81
00:03:29,758 --> 00:03:34,172
does it really matter which
one sends you there?
82
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,344
Nailed it, Debs.
83
00:03:35,344 --> 00:03:37,275
We recommend that you
take the time
84
00:03:37,275 --> 00:03:40,206
to write an introductory
letter to your future dates,
85
00:03:40,206 --> 00:03:44,103
you know, something
short, sweet, and genuine.
86
00:03:44,103 --> 00:03:47,413
I find that a lot of my
clients like to put themselves
87
00:03:47,413 --> 00:03:50,896
out there in a more vulnerable
way, and I find it really-
88
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:51,793
Absolutely not!
89
00:03:51,793 --> 00:03:52,862
Okay.
90
00:03:52,862 --> 00:03:54,655
Alright, uh, give me
your description
91
00:03:54,655 --> 00:03:57,551
of your perfect match in
just four words.
92
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:03,103
Um...
93
00:04:03,103 --> 00:04:04,517
Oh.
94
00:04:04,517 --> 00:04:06,724
Uh, donkey, dick, daddy, pervert.
95
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,275
Uh, Debs, think your screen
froze. You still there?
96
00:04:15,275 --> 00:04:17,586
No, no. I'm, I'm here.
97
00:04:17,586 --> 00:04:20,931
I will get working on your first
match and be in touch soon.
98
00:04:20,931 --> 00:04:22,758
So you just have a great day.
99
00:04:22,758 --> 00:04:25,241
Alright, Debs.
Let's see what you got.
100
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:27,655
Hi, Debbie.
101
00:04:27,655 --> 00:04:29,862
Okay, Danny, so your
first match is someone
102
00:04:29,862 --> 00:04:32,206
who I am really excited about.
103
00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,655
His name is Seth,
104
00:04:33,655 --> 00:04:36,482
and he's very accomplished
in literary circles.
105
00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:39,551
Um, I placed him with
a few guys in the past,
106
00:04:39,551 --> 00:04:42,379
and I came to realize
that he needs someone
107
00:04:42,379 --> 00:04:45,724
who's got more of, um, edge.
108
00:04:47,482 --> 00:04:49,344
He's very handsome.
109
00:04:49,344 --> 00:04:52,482
Kind of a boyish charm,
little twinkle in the eye.
110
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,068
And I think the two of you
would get along really well.
111
00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:58,793
I'm gonna take a wild
guess and say you're Seth.
112
00:04:58,793 --> 00:05:00,620
Danny.
113
00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:02,137
Wow.
114
00:05:02,137 --> 00:05:04,379
Debbie's really outdone herself.
115
00:05:04,379 --> 00:05:05,551
You unbutton any more of
those buttons,
116
00:05:05,551 --> 00:05:07,034
I'm gonna stick my
face in there.
117
00:05:08,310 --> 00:05:09,206
Debbie said we're not
supposed to have sex
118
00:05:09,206 --> 00:05:10,448
on the first date.
119
00:05:10,448 --> 00:05:13,103
Doesn't mean
I can't make you want it.
120
00:05:13,103 --> 00:05:14,344
Fuck yes, Debbie.
121
00:05:15,103 --> 00:05:16,758
Don't you have big dick energy.
122
00:05:16,758 --> 00:05:20,137
And the equipment to
back it up. You'll see.
123
00:05:20,137 --> 00:05:21,517
Should we get our table?
124
00:05:25,448 --> 00:05:29,103
It'll be a small wedding, hmm!
125
00:05:30,137 --> 00:05:32,655
So...
126
00:05:32,655 --> 00:05:34,103
You gonna ask for my number?
127
00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:36,965
I thought we're supposed
to let Debbie do that.
128
00:05:36,965 --> 00:05:37,862
Fuck Debbie.
129
00:05:42,655 --> 00:05:43,413
Number?
130
00:05:43,413 --> 00:05:44,827
Ooh, eight, eight and a half.
131
00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:47,068
Nine from the base.
Phone number?
132
00:05:47,068 --> 00:05:49,241
I do.
133
00:05:49,241 --> 00:05:50,448
Debs, I don't know where
you found this guy,
134
00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:51,896
but he's fucking perfect.
135
00:05:51,896 --> 00:05:54,275
He's handsome, he's sweet,
he's a total scoundrel,
136
00:05:54,275 --> 00:05:55,344
and I'm here for it.
137
00:05:55,344 --> 00:05:58,241
Second date. Second date now.
138
00:05:58,241 --> 00:05:59,551
Oh, Danny, that's amazing,
139
00:05:59,551 --> 00:06:02,689
and I'm so happy you
had a great time.
140
00:06:02,689 --> 00:06:06,379
Okay,
so unfortunately,
141
00:06:06,379 --> 00:06:08,137
Seth didn't think it
was a match,
142
00:06:08,137 --> 00:06:10,000
so he's passing on a
second date.
143
00:06:12,448 --> 00:06:13,482
What?
144
00:06:13,482 --> 00:06:14,931
No, don't get discouraged,
Danny.
145
00:06:14,931 --> 00:06:18,413
This happens all the time, and
it's great information for me
146
00:06:18,413 --> 00:06:20,655
because now I know
what kind of guy-
147
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:21,965
He asked for my number.
148
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:26,068
Well, Seth ultimately
decided he's gonna give it
149
00:06:26,068 --> 00:06:27,862
another go with his ex.
150
00:06:27,862 --> 00:06:30,482
Look, a lot of times
clients come to me
151
00:06:30,482 --> 00:06:33,689
to see what's on the
market, and after they do,
152
00:06:33,689 --> 00:06:36,482
they decide they had it
better off before.
153
00:06:37,482 --> 00:06:39,551
Bleak, Debbie! That's bleak.
154
00:06:39,551 --> 00:06:41,034
Well, the good news
155
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:44,034
is that I've already got
a second match for you.
156
00:06:44,034 --> 00:06:48,034
His name is Ron and he made
all of his money in finance,
157
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:50,724
so now he is pursuing a
career in fitness training.
158
00:06:50,724 --> 00:06:52,586
So he spends a lot of
time in the gym,
159
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,896
which I think you're
gonna notice first off.
160
00:06:54,896 --> 00:06:56,758
And he's looking for
something serious
161
00:06:56,758 --> 00:06:59,275
after being off the
market for a while.
162
00:06:59,275 --> 00:07:01,172
Alright, so you're
joining us about an hour
163
00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:02,931
into this slog.
164
00:07:02,931 --> 00:07:07,172
Ron is as handsome as
he is boring.
165
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:11,172
Hot, handsome,
personality of bread.
166
00:07:12,482 --> 00:07:14,034
I will still fuck him. Hmm!
167
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,482
And now back to our broadcast
already in progress.
168
00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:20,344
So what new shows you
watching these days?
169
00:07:20,344 --> 00:07:22,000
None actually.
170
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:22,793
I think I'm at that age
171
00:07:22,793 --> 00:07:23,931
where I've seen
everything I want
172
00:07:23,931 --> 00:07:26,103
and I just rewatch old
stuff I know.
173
00:07:26,103 --> 00:07:27,413
I definitely get that.
174
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:29,241
I mean, there's some shows
I can just watch forever
175
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,655
and still belly laugh.
176
00:07:30,655 --> 00:07:34,586
Oh, definitely, like "30
Rock". That is a great rewatch.
177
00:07:34,586 --> 00:07:35,724
Never seen it.
178
00:07:35,724 --> 00:07:37,206
I highly recommend.
179
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:38,586
Um, oh, and you know what?
180
00:07:38,586 --> 00:07:41,931
If I'm honest, "Will and
Grace" still does it for me.
181
00:07:41,931 --> 00:07:44,655
Not really my thing,
but "Big Bang Theory",
182
00:07:44,655 --> 00:07:46,586
I laugh ass my off.
183
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,172
Bitch, when?
184
00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:52,000
Oh God, if he says two and-
- "Two and a Half Men".
185
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,827
I mean, I watch those
two in a loop.
186
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,344
It's the only shows I need.
187
00:07:57,724 --> 00:07:59,620
Are you ready for the check?
188
00:08:01,379 --> 00:08:03,551
Are you sure I can't
give a ride home?
189
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:04,862
That is very sweet,
190
00:08:04,862 --> 00:08:07,827
but it actually takes me
half the time on the train.
191
00:08:07,827 --> 00:08:09,793
But if I don't give
you a ride home,
192
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,206
how can you invite me up?
193
00:08:12,172 --> 00:08:13,206
Debbie was very clear.
194
00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:16,310
Ugh, you don't strike
me as a rule follower.
195
00:08:20,965 --> 00:08:22,724
Let me at least give
you my number.
196
00:08:22,724 --> 00:08:24,896
Suggesting breaking
yet another rule?
197
00:08:28,172 --> 00:08:29,137
Just this once.
198
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,862
That is so great to hear!
199
00:08:32,862 --> 00:08:35,655
Unfortunately,
Ron didn't feel the same,
200
00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:37,655
so he's declined a second date.
201
00:08:37,655 --> 00:08:39,310
What in the actual fuck,
Debbie?
202
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,931
You know what I think?
203
00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:42,965
I just think most of my clients
204
00:08:42,965 --> 00:08:45,758
are a lot more
discerning than you are.
205
00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:48,137
You seem open to a
lot of things,
206
00:08:48,137 --> 00:08:51,172
while by the time someone
comes looking to me for help,
207
00:08:51,172 --> 00:08:53,689
they're looking for
something really specific.
208
00:08:53,689 --> 00:08:56,965
Employed, attractive,
nice, not boring, fat cock.
209
00:08:56,965 --> 00:08:58,344
What's so difficult about that?
210
00:08:58,344 --> 00:09:01,758
So for your third
and final match,
211
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,862
I think I've honed in on
the formula.
212
00:09:03,862 --> 00:09:05,310
Well, I certainly hope so,
213
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:07,068
considering the amount
of money I have paid you.
214
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:10,551
Well, well, I can't
promise you, um,
215
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,689
all of your requirements.
216
00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:16,000
He is an extremely open person
in the way that you are,
217
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,172
excited by all
possibilities of connection.
218
00:09:19,172 --> 00:09:23,827
Greg retired early, so he's
not technically employed,
219
00:09:23,827 --> 00:09:26,689
but he has a very
active lifestyle.
220
00:09:26,689 --> 00:09:29,586
♪ Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy
221
00:09:29,586 --> 00:09:31,172
♪ The pipes are calling ♪
222
00:09:31,172 --> 00:09:31,896
Fuck you, Debbie.
223
00:09:31,896 --> 00:09:33,413
♪ From Glen to Glen
224
00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:35,758
♪ From, from, from, from ♪
16487
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof