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1
00:00:10,758 --> 00:00:14,137
Life of a seven. Well,
eight, if I'm not bloated.
2
00:00:15,206 --> 00:00:16,931
What you may not know
about gay spaces
3
00:00:16,931 --> 00:00:18,793
is that as long as you're a six,
4
00:00:18,793 --> 00:00:22,413
your very entry into a gay
bar is your explicit consent
5
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:25,482
to be molested at any
time by anyone.
6
00:00:25,482 --> 00:00:27,448
And because I don't
particularly enjoy
7
00:00:27,448 --> 00:00:29,413
having my asshole rung
like a doorbell
8
00:00:29,413 --> 00:00:34,000
by a stranger at happy hour,
I rarely frequent the bars.
9
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,482
Unless I'm performing,
which I just did,
10
00:00:36,482 --> 00:00:38,689
which is why I am here now,
being reminded
11
00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:41,137
that the only difference
between Harvey Weinstein
12
00:00:41,137 --> 00:00:44,172
and a gay person is
exactly one vodka soda.
13
00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:48,103
You have such tiny ears.
14
00:00:48,103 --> 00:00:49,827
I hope that doesn't mean
this is tiny too.
15
00:00:49,827 --> 00:00:51,827
Okay. Do I know you?
16
00:00:51,827 --> 00:00:54,689
- You're awful.
- I know.
17
00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:58,586
Hey, you are making
some new friends?
18
00:00:58,586 --> 00:01:01,448
Now this guy, I do
know, like most people,
19
00:01:01,448 --> 00:01:05,344
I try to avoid the possibility
of eye to eye rejection.
20
00:01:05,344 --> 00:01:07,103
And so when I am at a bar,
21
00:01:07,103 --> 00:01:10,206
I try to spend most of my
time cruising the apps.
22
00:01:10,206 --> 00:01:12,275
And that's where I met
Paul about an hour ago.
23
00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:15,241
Showed up on the grid
about 12 feet away.
24
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,551
He said hi, I said hi, we
exchanged pictures of
25
00:01:17,551 --> 00:01:18,931
our genitals
26
00:01:18,931 --> 00:01:23,068
and now I'm gonna see if I
can get him to be at least
27
00:01:23,068 --> 00:01:26,448
negative eight and a
half inches away from me.
28
00:01:26,448 --> 00:01:29,965
What can I say? I just have
a magnetic personality.
29
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,137
Oh, you know, you could have
just come over and said hi.
30
00:01:32,137 --> 00:01:33,724
But then I wouldn't
be in the power position
31
00:01:33,724 --> 00:01:35,482
and that is very unlike me.
32
00:01:35,482 --> 00:01:39,034
Something tells me you take
well to a submissive position.
33
00:01:39,034 --> 00:01:41,310
Ugh, I'm fully dilated.
34
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:45,379
- May I?
- Oh fuck, he's one of these,
35
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:47,413
I don't know if it was
36
00:01:47,413 --> 00:01:49,965
sitting around in our own filth
during the pandemic or what,
37
00:01:49,965 --> 00:01:52,206
but I've noticed a
disturbing increase
38
00:01:52,206 --> 00:01:54,586
in the amount of pit pigs
in recent years.
39
00:01:55,379 --> 00:01:56,551
And you're wearing deodorant.
40
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,965
- I know, I left my house.
- It's a pity.
41
00:01:58,965 --> 00:02:00,206
I bet you smell really nice.
42
00:02:00,206 --> 00:02:03,068
I do. Thank you to
aforementioned deodorant.
43
00:02:03,068 --> 00:02:06,586
No, I mean your smell,
your natural scent.
44
00:02:07,482 --> 00:02:09,689
I bet your sweat is
pretty good too.
45
00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:12,689
Yeah, my skid marks are
delicacy in Western Europe.
46
00:02:12,689 --> 00:02:15,620
So I'm not really here
to yuck anybody's yum
47
00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:18,551
But at the very least I'm
frustrated that I spent
48
00:02:18,551 --> 00:02:21,000
all of those years plucking
and shaving and grooming
49
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,655
and lotioning and perfuming
and it was all a waste.
50
00:02:23,655 --> 00:02:25,241
How was I to know that
in the future,
51
00:02:25,241 --> 00:02:27,241
gay people would get
their best erections
52
00:02:27,241 --> 00:02:30,034
standing downwind of an
unhoused person?
53
00:02:32,172 --> 00:02:34,620
Being a bright side I
could probably save
54
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:37,758
eight hours a week in
baths alone.
55
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:38,896
No, but if I do that
56
00:02:38,896 --> 00:02:40,862
I will never be called up
on "The View."
57
00:02:42,448 --> 00:02:44,413
What were we talking
about again?
58
00:02:44,413 --> 00:02:45,482
I just think it's a shame
59
00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:47,448
that we've been
programmed by society
60
00:02:47,448 --> 00:02:49,689
to hate everything
natural about ourselves.
61
00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:52,931
Like our body weight,
our complexion,
62
00:02:52,931 --> 00:02:55,482
our body hair, our
natural smell.
63
00:02:55,482 --> 00:02:58,586
I mean that smell is
you. It's who you are.
64
00:03:00,172 --> 00:03:02,000
Is it so bad that I find
you attractive
65
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,689
as you naturally are?
66
00:03:04,586 --> 00:03:07,689
Oh, that's kind of sweet, right?
67
00:03:09,275 --> 00:03:11,931
Okay, maybe I could do this.
68
00:03:11,931 --> 00:03:13,586
Well, I mean, at the very
least, this place seems
69
00:03:13,586 --> 00:03:16,172
like a breeding ground for
Covid, so I'll probably lose
70
00:03:16,172 --> 00:03:19,310
my sense of smell entirely
and problem solved.
71
00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:20,551
Hey look, I got a
thing to run to,
72
00:03:20,551 --> 00:03:23,379
but hit me up this weekend
and maybe I can get
73
00:03:23,379 --> 00:03:25,517
you all nice and sweaty
and test out my theory.
74
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:27,517
Hmm, who am I to stand
in the way of science?
75
00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:32,206
Okay, all right.
76
00:03:39,172 --> 00:03:41,896
It's tequila, I'm not a
total asshole.
77
00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:46,793
♪ If you're about to turn 40
and don't want it to show ♪
78
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:50,586
♪ You need to whiten your
teeth, then whiten your hole ♪
79
00:03:50,586 --> 00:03:51,448
Oh
80
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:54,689
Hey.
81
00:03:54,689 --> 00:03:58,206
So I woke up really hard and
I've been looking at your album
82
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,310
and now I just want you
to come over.
83
00:04:02,206 --> 00:04:04,724
Ah, okay, so I'm a host only
84
00:04:04,724 --> 00:04:06,551
and it's not just
because I'm lazy,
85
00:04:06,551 --> 00:04:09,448
but also because at this
age I have found
86
00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:13,275
that no man is worth
leaving my apartment for.
87
00:04:15,448 --> 00:04:16,896
A phone call?
88
00:04:16,896 --> 00:04:19,586
Well, this isn't very
entertaining for them
89
00:04:19,586 --> 00:04:21,241
if we arrange this through text.
90
00:04:21,241 --> 00:04:24,000
So let's suspend our disbelief.
91
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,344
Them?
92
00:04:25,344 --> 00:04:29,482
So, as much as I would
like to hook up this morning,
93
00:04:30,655 --> 00:04:32,689
I have to go to the gym now
94
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,758
and oh, and then I have brunch
with my friends at 1:00.
95
00:04:35,758 --> 00:04:37,551
So I'm not sure if I'll be
able to make it
96
00:04:37,551 --> 00:04:39,655
all the way to you and then
make it all the way back
97
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,689
and then still make the brunch.
98
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:45,241
And that friends is a
host only lie.
99
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,517
I give you full
permission to use.
100
00:04:47,517 --> 00:04:49,586
And because he knows
nothing about me,
101
00:04:49,586 --> 00:04:51,965
aside from the shape
of my asshole,
102
00:04:51,965 --> 00:04:53,448
he has no way of knowing
103
00:04:53,448 --> 00:04:55,793
that I don't go to the
gym on weekends,
104
00:04:55,793 --> 00:04:56,896
nor do I have friends.
105
00:04:57,827 --> 00:05:00,068
I'm pretty
horny though, so,
106
00:05:00,068 --> 00:05:04,482
yeah, I'm okay coming over
to your place if that's cool?
107
00:05:04,482 --> 00:05:06,655
Hmm. Sounds perfect.
108
00:05:06,655 --> 00:05:08,655
But since I am
traveling and all,
109
00:05:08,655 --> 00:05:10,413
can I ask you to do
something for me?
110
00:05:10,413 --> 00:05:12,758
Oh, I don't even have condoms.
111
00:05:13,931 --> 00:05:15,000
No, me either.
112
00:05:15,931 --> 00:05:17,793
Just don't take a shower
after the gym.
113
00:05:19,137 --> 00:05:22,482
I mean, I was already planning
on not wearing deodorant
114
00:05:22,482 --> 00:05:24,310
since you've expressed desire
115
00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:26,172
to track me like a truffle pig,
but-
116
00:05:26,172 --> 00:05:28,620
Yeah, definitely no deodorant
117
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:33,344
and don't even shower, just
have your gym clothes on.
118
00:05:33,344 --> 00:05:35,206
I know you find that sexy,
119
00:05:35,206 --> 00:05:37,862
but I don't know if
I'll feel sexy if-
120
00:05:37,862 --> 00:05:39,310
You can douche
if you want to,
121
00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:41,689
but just as long as you
don't take a shower.
122
00:05:43,482 --> 00:05:45,793
Did you just infer that
douching is optional?
123
00:05:45,793 --> 00:05:47,448
How you
getting to the gym?
124
00:05:48,655 --> 00:05:51,586
Oh, I have to go to the
gym now. Ah, curse you lie.
125
00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:55,379
I don't know.
Probably just a bike share.
126
00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:59,413
Oh yeah, that's
really hot, man.
127
00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:01,620
Yeah just grind your ass
on that bike seat
128
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,379
really good for me will you?
129
00:06:03,379 --> 00:06:05,344
Is there any way you
can take a bus?
130
00:06:05,344 --> 00:06:07,862
I will forego the shower.
That is all.
131
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:09,586
All right, that's cool.
132
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:10,896
You know, text me your address
133
00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:13,241
and I'll get there in
like an hour.
134
00:06:13,241 --> 00:06:14,689
Taste ya soon, sexy.
135
00:06:16,103 --> 00:06:17,275
Aw.
136
00:06:18,689 --> 00:06:21,758
Ah dude, you're so ripe.
137
00:06:21,758 --> 00:06:24,103
It's funny.
I feel pretty rotten.
138
00:06:24,103 --> 00:06:25,586
Sweaty boy.
139
00:06:30,034 --> 00:06:34,413
Ah, I was right, tastes so good,
so salty.
140
00:06:34,413 --> 00:06:36,586
Probably 'cause my
body is crying.
141
00:06:37,413 --> 00:06:39,000
That ass nice and sweaty too?
142
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,103
- Probably.
- Yeah, fuck yeah, let's see.
143
00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:51,689
Yeah, top shaving. Stop
trimming your pubes.
144
00:06:51,689 --> 00:06:53,586
Right, ass double "Jumanji"
bush.
145
00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:55,241
Now can we please
just get to it?
146
00:06:55,241 --> 00:06:58,931
'Cause I really-
- Oh fuck, yeah.
147
00:06:58,931 --> 00:07:01,896
So good.
- Good Lord.
148
00:07:04,241 --> 00:07:06,379
- You have any hummus?
- What?
149
00:07:06,379 --> 00:07:07,793
You're just so minty.
150
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:12,137
Okay, all right, it's
cool, we'll get you there.
151
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,827
- The wolf says-
- Ah, you're so quiet baby.
152
00:07:30,827 --> 00:07:33,965
- You sure aren't.
- Ah, yeah, just get into it.
153
00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:37,965
I'll let yourself go, mm,
ah, be the animal you are.
154
00:07:39,551 --> 00:07:43,000
Woof, bark, bark.
155
00:07:47,724 --> 00:07:50,793
Ah, that's the stuff.
Oh, that's so nice.
156
00:07:50,793 --> 00:07:54,344
Oh, I'm so close.
You gonna come?
157
00:07:54,344 --> 00:07:55,827
- No.
- Really?
158
00:07:55,827 --> 00:07:57,517
It's fine. Let's just
bring it around home.
159
00:07:57,517 --> 00:07:59,724
Ah, here, this'll help.
160
00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:02,931
- Oh, I'm blind.
- Oh yeah.
161
00:08:02,931 --> 00:08:04,965
I haven't showered since we met.
162
00:08:04,965 --> 00:08:06,241
I wanted to be nice and
ripe for you.
163
00:08:06,241 --> 00:08:09,517
I don't know how much
more this I can take.
164
00:08:09,517 --> 00:08:12,517
Oh, I'm sorry. A little
bit too rough for you?
165
00:08:14,379 --> 00:08:16,172
Ah, there's the ticket.
166
00:08:17,551 --> 00:08:20,931
Oh yeah, I mean, you just
really tearing me up.
167
00:08:20,931 --> 00:08:23,034
It's really hot though.
I just didn't wanna stop.
168
00:08:23,034 --> 00:08:26,655
I can get there quick. Can
I go back in just to finish?
169
00:08:28,034 --> 00:08:29,931
Sure.
Just for a little bit, okay?
170
00:08:29,931 --> 00:08:32,206
Oh yeah.
If you can just help me out.
171
00:08:32,206 --> 00:08:33,344
I know I'll come fast.
172
00:08:33,344 --> 00:08:35,275
All right, yeah.
What do you need?
173
00:08:35,275 --> 00:08:37,241
When I start to push back in
174
00:08:37,241 --> 00:08:38,586
just look me right in the eyes.
175
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:39,551
- Okay.
- Lick your lips.
176
00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:40,620
- Sure.
- And then
177
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,379
just let out the
tiniest little fart.
178
00:08:42,379 --> 00:08:44,137
- Tiniest what?
- Just a little one.
179
00:08:44,137 --> 00:08:47,758
You know, once that smell hits
my face, I'll spray like-
180
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,206
Get out of my apartment.
13796
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