Original subtitles

Life of a seven. Well, eight, if I'm not bloated.

What you may not know about gay spaces

is that as long as you're a six,

your very entry into a gay bar is your explicit consent

to be molested at any time by anyone.

And because I don't particularly enjoy

having my asshole rung like a doorbell

by a stranger at happy hour, I rarely frequent the bars.

Unless I'm performing, which I just did,

which is why I am here now, being reminded

that the only difference between Harvey Weinstein

and a gay person is exactly one vodka soda.

You have such tiny ears.

I hope that doesn't mean this is tiny too.

Okay. Do I know you?

- You're awful. - I know.

Hey, you are making some new friends?

Now this guy, I do know, like most people,

I try to avoid the possibility of eye to eye rejection.

And so when I am at a bar,

I try to spend most of my time cruising the apps.

And that's where I met Paul about an hour ago.

Showed up on the grid about 12 feet away.

He said hi, I said hi, we exchanged pictures of

our genitals

and now I'm gonna see if I can get him to be at least

negative eight and a half inches away from me.

What can I say? I just have a magnetic personality.

Oh, you know, you could have just come over and said hi.

But then I wouldn't be in the power position

and that is very unlike me.

Something tells me you take well to a submissive position.

Ugh, I'm fully dilated.

- May I? - Oh fuck, he's one of these,

I don't know if it was

sitting around in our own filth during the pandemic or what,

but I've noticed a disturbing increase

in the amount of pit pigs in recent years.

And you're wearing deodorant.

- I know, I left my house. - It's a pity.

I bet you smell really nice.

I do. Thank you to aforementioned deodorant.

No, I mean your smell, your natural scent.

I bet your sweat is pretty good too.

Yeah, my skid marks are delicacy in Western Europe.

So I'm not really here to yuck anybody's yum

But at the very least I'm frustrated that I spent

all of those years plucking and shaving and grooming

and lotioning and perfuming and it was all a waste.

How was I to know that in the future,

gay people would get their best erections

standing downwind of an unhoused person?

Being a bright side I could probably save

eight hours a week in baths alone.

No, but if I do that

I will never be called up on "The View."

What were we talking about again?

I just think it's a shame

that we've been programmed by society

to hate everything natural about ourselves.

Like our body weight, our complexion,

our body hair, our natural smell.

I mean that smell is you. It's who you are.

Is it so bad that I find you attractive

as you naturally are?

Oh, that's kind of sweet, right?

Okay, maybe I could do this.

Well, I mean, at the very least, this place seems

like a breeding ground for Covid, so I'll probably lose

my sense of smell entirely and problem solved.

Hey look, I got a thing to run to,

but hit me up this weekend and maybe I can get

you all nice and sweaty and test out my theory.

Hmm, who am I to stand in the way of science?

Okay, all right.

It's tequila, I'm not a total asshole.

♪ If you're about to turn 40 and don't want it to show ♪

♪ You need to whiten your teeth, then whiten your hole ♪

Oh

Hey.

So I woke up really hard and I've been looking at your album

and now I just want you to come over.

Ah, okay, so I'm a host only

and it's not just because I'm lazy,

but also because at this age I have found

that no man is worth leaving my apartment for.

A phone call?

Well, this isn't very entertaining for them

if we arrange this through text.

So let's suspend our disbelief.

Them?

So, as much as I would like to hook up this morning,

I have to go to the gym now

and oh, and then I have brunch with my friends at 1:00.

So I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it

all the way to you and then make it all the way back

and then still make the brunch.

And that friends is a host only lie.

I give you full permission to use.

And because he knows nothing about me,

aside from the shape of my asshole,

he has no way of knowing

that I don't go to the gym on weekends,

nor do I have friends.

I'm pretty horny though, so,

yeah, I'm okay coming over to your place if that's cool?

Hmm. Sounds perfect.

But since I am traveling and all,

can I ask you to do something for me?

Oh, I don't even have condoms.

No, me either.

Just don't take a shower after the gym.

I mean, I was already planning on not wearing deodorant

since you've expressed desire

to track me like a truffle pig, but-

Yeah, definitely no deodorant

and don't even shower, just have your gym clothes on.

I know you find that sexy,

but I don't know if I'll feel sexy if-

You can douche if you want to,

but just as long as you don't take a shower.

Did you just infer that douching is optional?

How you getting to the gym?

Oh, I have to go to the gym now. Ah, curse you lie.

I don't know. Probably just a bike share.

Oh yeah, that's really hot, man.

Yeah just grind your ass on that bike seat

really good for me will you?

Is there any way you can take a bus?

I will forego the shower. That is all.

All right, that's cool.

You know, text me your address

and I'll get there in like an hour.

Taste ya soon, sexy.

Aw.

Ah dude, you're so ripe.

It's funny. I feel pretty rotten.

Sweaty boy.

Ah, I was right, tastes so good, so salty.

Probably 'cause my body is crying.

That ass nice and sweaty too?

- Probably. - Yeah, fuck yeah, let's see.

Yeah, top shaving. Stop trimming your pubes.

Right, ass double "Jumanji" bush.

Now can we please just get to it?

'Cause I really- - Oh fuck, yeah.

So good. - Good Lord.

- You have any hummus? - What?

You're just so minty.

Okay, all right, it's cool, we'll get you there.

- The wolf says- - Ah, you're so quiet baby.

- You sure aren't. - Ah, yeah, just get into it.

I'll let yourself go, mm, ah, be the animal you are.

Woof, bark, bark.

Ah, that's the stuff. Oh, that's so nice.

Oh, I'm so close. You gonna come?

- No. - Really?

It's fine. Let's just bring it around home.

Ah, here, this'll help.

- Oh, I'm blind. - Oh yeah.

I haven't showered since we met.

I wanted to be nice and ripe for you.

I don't know how much more this I can take.

Oh, I'm sorry. A little bit too rough for you?

Ah, there's the ticket.

Oh yeah, I mean, you just really tearing me up.

It's really hot though. I just didn't wanna stop.

I can get there quick. Can I go back in just to finish?

Sure. Just for a little bit, okay?

Oh yeah. If you can just help me out.

I know I'll come fast.

All right, yeah. What do you need?

When I start to push back in

just look me right in the eyes.

- Okay. - Lick your lips.

- Sure. - And then

just let out the tiniest little fart.

- Tiniest what? - Just a little one.

You know, once that smell hits my face, I'll spray like-

Get out of my apartment.