Original subtitles

Oh, welcome. No, no, come in, come in, come in.

So today's actually a really special day

and I'm glad you're here to join me for it.

You see, every few months,

typically on the the harvest moon,

I enter a phase of my life that's, well, as

unexpected to me

as it's gonna be to all of you.

Friends, I am excited today to welcome you

to the beginning of my top era.

Now, you know as well as I do, I love nothing more

than to be spit roasted by a pair of Brazilian tourists.

But every now and then I get this incessant need

to take out the internalized homophobia inside every gay man

by rearranging the insides

of a peppy musical theater bottom.

Now, this is all of course just in good fun,

but unfortunately, sometimes I convince myself

that I would have an easier time finding a partner

if I start dating bottoms, foolishly believing

that I would ever be happy being the top in a relationship,

only to have that delusion inevitably come crashing down.

It's kind of like when you have a hookup

and then immediately after you realize,

"Ugh, that I shoulda just jerked off and read a book."

And the thing is, I'm actually pretty good at it,

because as a bottom myself,

I know what one wants from a top.

Fuck, daddy, you are so aggressive yet attentive.

It was really sweet that you wanted me to come too.

I'm not even bleeding and I didn't even pass out once.

And more than that, as I've grown older,

I've actually become quite the draw

as a potential top husband.

You know, I'm sufficiently muscly,

I've got this beard going on, so like, daddy vibes.

I have this six figure salary

and I can fit the problematic preference for masculinity.

So long as a Janet Jackson song isn't been playing.

So, you know, it's quite unfortunate

I can't really stick the landing.

Yeah, this one's been sniffing around

ever since he started working here.

He's done some very classic bottom mating calls.

Just looking for a paperclip.

Don't you just love my new shoes?

Have I ever told you how I don't have a relationship

with my dad?

But in each of those instances,

I was not yet in my top era.

And so it was as attractive to me as a biological woman,

or whatever Marjorie Taylor Green is.

But now that the top era is upon us,

I wanna put a baby in there.

Fuck! - What?

Oh, nothing.

Did I staple them wrong again?

Please don't throw the stapler at me,

I'm not even halfway through my deductible.

No, no, that's not-

What?

I wanna fuck you.

Cool. Meet me out front at like six.

Yeah. That works.

Cool.

I love being gay.

Honestly, I didn't even think you liked me.

Why do you say that?

Hmm, the yelling, the public humiliation.

That time I had a typo in one of my emails and you asked me

if I "Was the result of a flubbed abortion."

I was just teasing. It's just flirty banter.

No, I've always had my eye on you.

So, I imagine we're going back to my place,

since as a paralegal, you probably have like

four roommates.

Well, yeah, but I'm kind of over hookup culture.

Oh no.

I mean, I'm no prude, but.

Oh no, he's not one of these.

I think I would feel more comfortable if first we-

Ah, Jesus fucking Christ.

Had a date first.

I shoulda known. Bottom entrapment.

I mean, you are single, right?

- Yep. - Alrighty then.

So let's have an adventure

Blinded by my desire to paint his insides,

I failed to recognize the signs of bottom entrapment.

You see, dating's rough on all gay people

regardless of your preferred position.

But we've each developed different ways

to try to secure a potential partner.

Bottoms, for instance, will hit you with a barrage

of hole picks and vulgar sexting.

And then at that moment of consummation,

quickly change it around and suddenly ask for a date,

thereby forcing a courtship based on sexual duress.

And so I am going to do the only honorable thing

anyone can do when faced with bottom entrapment.

I'll play along until I can breed him.

You know I'm not a good person.

Now, isn't this romantic?

Barefoot in the sand, waiting for the sunset.

And it all started with "I want to fuck you."

Can't wait to tell the grandkids.

Ah, and you want kids? You are perfect.

I've always thought of three girls, Katie, Miley and Demi.

They're pop stars.

That's very sweet. I want zero children.

Better yet, negative children.

Like every time that I come,

I would like a child to disappear off the face

of the Earth.

And if we can move this charade along,

pretty sure I can vanish at least two.

So what's our next adventure?

Could it be butt fucking?

I really want to, but I think I like you

and I wanna see where this is going first.

But if we build more of a foundation,

maybe it'll make our first time even better.

Mixed signals.

Right, so how about we head back to my place,

but just to the rooftop to have drinks.

That way I can be that much closer to splitting him in half.

See? I knew you were romantic.

Guess whose idea the candles were?

"I want to fuck you." That's what I said, right?

Like, am I crazy?

Oh, but I'm so happy that instead of that,

I've spent the last hour hearing every horrible thing

about his ex-boyfriend,

who I can only assume killed himself.

So is it kinda getting a little late?

When's date two?

Don't you think we should get through this one first?

I mean, it's getting pretty late.

Maybe I should be getting home

Without getting to the initial, and in my view,

solitary reason for the evening?

I mean, this way it pretty much guarantees a second date,

doesn't it?

Which could be Saturday?

Ah, we could spend the whole day together.

I would have to check my schedule,

but I will definitely let you know.

I mean, okay. Sure, I guess.

Are there any cameras up here?

Not as far as I know.

Oh, ooh.

So, Saturday?

I will definitely let you know.

Brad always loved how I gave him head.

I could like literally do it for hours.

One time Brad and I went hiking

and we found this little secluded area.

Saturday would be great.

Entrapment.

You're gonna save that for me for Saturday?

Oh yeah, I'm definitely not going to jerk off

the second that you leave.

Personally, I love it when a guy gets me to orgasm

and then suddenly says he has to go.

It's actually my favorite.

Hmm, I was tempted to finish things,

but it's pretty late.

Yeah, I really regret saying that.

So, what if I spend the night?

Danger. Oh, this is the Hail Mary of bottom entrapment.

You finally agree to go to pound town,

but only in exchange for the intimacy of spending the night.

I will never understand how anyone could want to cuddle

with someone they just met.

Like, ew, gross. I don't know you, you're a stranger.

Why would I want that kind of intimacy with a stranger?

Just take out your dick and fuck me. Grow up.

Just think, all night with this.

Goddamn top era.

Oh, oh yeah, you want that, don't you?

Yes, Daddy.

Daddy? Oh, you gonna be a good boy for Daddy?

A very good boy, Daddy.

Yeah, then you gotta let daddy inside.

You gonna let Daddy inside?

You can have whatever you want, Daddy.

On Saturday.

So, you should know that I told HR

that you've made a hostile work environment,

by making unwanted sexual advancements.

I've also told all the paralegals that you

are a predator

and no one should work with you.

I also tagged you in a Twitter feed

detailing your harassment and a reel on Instagram

where I was very brave

and recalled what a nightmare this has been for me,

and how you have emotionally scarred me for life.

So I really hope you're happy with.

Top era over.