Original subtitles

- I'm glad you decided to

invite me over, Danny.

Me too.

You don't have to be nervous, bud.

You know you can trust me.

I know.

Good,

and you also know you've been my favorite player all season.

I've really enjoyed getting to know you,

and if I can say so,

I'm here because I want us to be even closer.

You do, coach?

Very much so.

It feels like that might be something you're into too.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's very natural.

Here.

I feel exactly the same way.

I've never done anything like this before, coach.

That's okay. I can teach you.

You ready, bud?

I think so.

Will it hurt, coach?

Maybe a little at first,

but I promise it's gonna feel so good.

Just breathe. I'll go slow.

Are you sure you've never done this before?

No. I'm really happy my first time can be with you.

'Cause that went in real easy.

No comedy!

Good game, kid.

I reject your judgment.

Look, I've had a lot of sex in my life.

Like, too much sex. Like, a criminal amount of sex.

So, at this point, I gotta play some games

to keep things interesting,

and at least this time when I'm being molested,

I'm actually having a good time.

So, Yahtzee.

Oh, I can already see the comments below.

See, he's a groomer. He's doing a grooming fantasy.

He's practicing for when he comes after our kids,

to which I say, one, it's very likely

that anything that comes from your gene pool

is too ugly for me to fuck,

and, two, the only thing gay people groom

are your farm-hand housewives

so they don't look like corn husks coming down the aisle.

You're welcome.

For the life of me, I will never understand

how anyone could wanna put their dick in something

with painted claws and their nuts sack on their chest.

Gross!

And furthermore, before you judge my fantasy life,

I'm gonna need to see how many times the words, oh,

barely legal hot stepmom and cheerleader

appear in your PornHub searches.

'cause it's the same fucking thing,

so you can eat a dick and die.

Like, I think we all know by now

that the straight politician who's wildly homophobic

is probably in an airport bathroom somewhere

sucking anonymous dicks, so it seems to me that

anyone who's calling a queer person a groomer

is probably the type that hugs their nieces

just a little bit too long.

You know what I mean?

The thing is

I think my fantasy life is about to be put on hold

because I'm on my way to my fourth date with Christopher,

and I'm pretty sure he's gonna ask me to be

his monogamous boyfriend.

He's very handsome, he's a doctor,

and I do enjoy every moment I spend with him,

so I think I'm gonna go for it.

The sex is good, just a little vanilla,

and while our candid conversations about fantasy

have revealed that he's not necessarily disinterested,

he is a bit of a novice,

so I'm probably gonna have some training to do,

but that shit's important to me.

So it's gotta get there or it's not gonna work,

because I don't want an open relationship,

so that means Chris eventually has to take the place of

my current doctor, coach, therapist, dad,

boss, other dad,

uncle, other uncle, sir,

professor, landscaper, friend from the war, camp counselor,

stepdad, physical therapist, masseuse, and other other dad.

My life is very full,

and, yeah, I know I just fucked someone

before going on a date with someone else,

but I'm single, so I could literally suck a dick

on my way to the date and still be well within my rights,

but I would never do that 'cause I have class.

This was incredible.

You are incredible.

I'm something, all right.

So I want to ask you

something important.

Told you.

I want to talk about where this is going.

I think it's going really well.

Me too.

So, what do you think about

making things official?

Oh, fuck.

No, no, no, that's not a no. It's not a no.

It's just, look, I have been pleasantly surprised

with how well we get along

and how much I look forward to spending time with you

and how much I enjoy spending time with you.

I mean, we like the same kind of food.

We hate the same kind of people.

People who believe in the COVID vaccine

but also somehow astrology.

Ugh, thank you, but

I think there is one area that we need to explore a bit more

before I'm ready to make, like, that kind of commitment.

Oh.

I see.

So, how about

we start exploring that tonight?

Oh?

I mean, I've never done anything like that before,

but it does sound exciting.

Listen, it's all just fun.

Whatever happens happens, and if it all falls apart,

we just have a good old regular time, okay?

There is never any pressure.

All right, so what's like a good

beginner-level game to play?

Well, we could just stick close to home.

I think it's time that I saw a doctor.

Danny.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

I'm afraid I have some difficult news for you.

Unfortunately,

Danny, I'm sorry to say that she didn't make it.

There was nothing that we could do.

She?

Your mother.

Unfortunately, as she was being, well, violated,

there was extended pressure on her larynx

and her brain just went too long without oxygen,

but, fortunately,

the police have taken Mr. Rodriguez into custody.

There will be justice, Danny.

Okay, so walk me through your thought process there

and specifically why the rapist was Hispanic.

Oh, okay, so I thought, like, if I were an ER doctor,

then I could give you some, like, really traumatic news

and that makes you vulnerable,

and then I could, like, find a way to console you, huh?

Okay, so A for effort.

So the reason that doctor is like a go-to fantasy

is because there are plenty of reasons

why the patient would have to get naked

and the doctor examine him.

Right. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Yeah.

Let's take it from the top.

Yes!

Danny?

Uh, yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you.

You as well,

though I wish it were under better circumstances.

Uh, oh, yeah, me too.

So before they go ahead and take a statement from you,

I am going to go ahead

and perform the exam for your rape kit.

Okay, so I feel like

critiquing him right now would be pretty damaging, so

I guess I'm gonna have to win a fucking Oscar.

Okay.

Wow.

They really messed you up.

They?

Well, you said that there were about eight of them, right?

Honestly, it looks like

they had two to three in you at once.

I probably shouldn't be telling you this,

but you're not the first victim of a Dominican rape gang

I've seen this week.

Fortunately, you are practically leaking with DNA,

so I bet this is gonna be an open and shut case.

Okay, so how about we reset from like right here?

You wanna stop?

I just think we can make it

a little less complicated, right?

Let's pick up from here, but let's just say that

you're doing my annual prostate exam.

Oh, that's good.

Yes, very simple, with 100% less rape.

So you're gonna do the exam and I'm gonna start to like it.

Perfect.

Okay.

Oh, oof. - Okay.

Everything feel all right?

Everything feels great. I'm just being thorough.

I appreciate that.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't help it.

Well, it's perfectly natural.

In fact, most people really enjoy this.

Does that feel okay if I go a little deeper?

Oh, yeah. That feels real good, doc.

Oh.

Oh?

I feel something.

Yeah, maybe you need to use something bigger

for a more thorough exam.

Maybe.

I mean, it feels pretty terminal.

I was trying to get you into a vulnerable position!

Your fingers were in my hole. I was plenty vulnerable.

I thought that this was supposed to be no

pressure and fun

because it seems like you have

a lot of really specific expectations,

and that is pressure, Danny.

Yeah. I have specific expectations.

Those are no ass cancer,

and neither my mother nor I get raped.

Also, why are all the villains Hispanic?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

This doctor thing is clearly not working.

You think?

Why don't we just get real simple,

something where we don't even really have to talk

and we could both just be in our heads?

So, what,

like a masseuse? - Like a mortician.

What now?

You go in and you lie down on the table.

I'll come in and perform the autopsy,

and I'll get really turned on.

This is not going to work.

Hey, doc, I'm sorry for calling so late. Are you free?

I'm okay.

I just saw a specialist who thinks I have prostate cancer,

but, I mean, I'd really love for you

to give me a second opinion.

Can you come over?

Oh, just go with it.