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1
00:00:07,965 --> 00:00:11,827
So, what else do I
need to know about you?
2
00:00:11,827 --> 00:00:14,689
I told you, no nudes until
at least the third date.
3
00:00:14,689 --> 00:00:16,689
Fuck. Okay, fine.
4
00:00:16,689 --> 00:00:18,103
Um,
5
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,689
should we go like,
favorite color?
6
00:00:20,689 --> 00:00:23,586
Does anyone over the age
of 10 have a favorite color?
7
00:00:23,586 --> 00:00:25,448
You're so difficult.
8
00:00:25,448 --> 00:00:27,103
He has no idea.
9
00:00:27,103 --> 00:00:29,103
Oh, what's your sign?
10
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,000
I...
11
00:00:33,379 --> 00:00:34,896
I don't really believe
in all of that.
12
00:00:34,896 --> 00:00:37,689
Oh.
I mean I don't live by it but,
13
00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:40,758
but I think it could tell
you a lot about a person.
14
00:00:40,758 --> 00:00:41,655
Can it?
15
00:00:46,206 --> 00:00:47,862
Alright. I'm an Aries.
16
00:00:47,862 --> 00:00:49,034
I knew it.
17
00:00:49,034 --> 00:00:51,103
I'm a Capricorn.
Astrology is bullshit.
18
00:00:52,413 --> 00:00:55,172
Anyone that makes a living
from it is a snake oil salesman
19
00:00:55,172 --> 00:00:57,000
and should be in jail for fraud.
20
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,172
And anyone who believes in it,
21
00:00:58,172 --> 00:01:01,172
I think is about two
YouTube videos away from
22
00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:01,793
belonging to QAnon.
23
00:01:03,241 --> 00:01:07,034
I should not have to explain
to anyone that the position
24
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,724
of the vast amount of
stars in our galaxy
25
00:01:09,724 --> 00:01:13,482
on the day you were born in
any way influences whether
26
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:16,586
or not you're gonna go for
that job at the Office Max.
27
00:01:16,586 --> 00:01:19,655
And that is why on a
date, if anyone asks me
28
00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:22,241
what my sign is, I tell
them a different sign
29
00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:24,034
because it doesn't matter
what the fuck I say,
30
00:01:24,034 --> 00:01:25,827
it always goes like this.
31
00:01:25,827 --> 00:01:27,103
Scorpio, I knew it.
32
00:01:27,103 --> 00:01:29,896
You literally couldn't
be any more of a Virgo.
33
00:01:29,896 --> 00:01:31,724
I knew I'd come quickly.
34
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:33,275
Always with Pisces.
35
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,620
And that's because
astrology is bullshit.
36
00:01:38,034 --> 00:01:39,482
And yes, I do understand
37
00:01:39,482 --> 00:01:41,931
I am doing the most
Capricorn thing imaginable.
38
00:01:41,931 --> 00:01:44,172
So, as a Libra,
39
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,310
that means we have great
compatibility.
40
00:01:46,310 --> 00:01:48,310
Oh, all Libras have
nine inch cocks.
41
00:01:48,310 --> 00:01:49,034
What?
42
00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,103
Nothing.
43
00:01:50,103 --> 00:01:52,172
You know, I just
think it's fun
44
00:01:52,172 --> 00:01:54,172
and it can give you great
perspective on
45
00:01:54,172 --> 00:01:55,448
how you relate to other people.
46
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,310
Have you ever had your
birth chart done?
47
00:01:57,310 --> 00:01:59,206
No. And here it comes.
48
00:01:59,206 --> 00:02:00,517
Well, you totally should.
49
00:02:00,517 --> 00:02:03,413
So what's your moon
and rising sign?
50
00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:06,344
That's where things
really get interesting.
51
00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:07,793
I'm sorry, I have to
use the bathroom.
52
00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:09,206
Oh! Okay, sure.
53
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:13,275
Oh, Danny, I think the
bathroom's that way.
54
00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:15,241
I meant the one at
my apartment.
55
00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:18,379
When I first started
dating again,
56
00:02:18,379 --> 00:02:20,275
I actually refused to
match with anyone
57
00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:22,517
who mentioned the Zodiac
in their profile.
58
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,827
And then all of the apps
started doing that thing
59
00:02:24,827 --> 00:02:27,379
where it tells you there's
no one left in your area.
60
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:28,655
Which is basically their
way of saying,
61
00:02:28,655 --> 00:02:29,758
"Hey whore!
62
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:30,896
You've already fucked
all these people,
63
00:02:30,896 --> 00:02:32,413
so, uh, I guess it's
time to move."
64
00:02:33,448 --> 00:02:35,793
So I've had to broaden
my filters a little bit.
65
00:02:35,793 --> 00:02:37,931
A little bit more on age, a
little bit more on height,
66
00:02:37,931 --> 00:02:39,931
and then not immediately
rejecting someone
67
00:02:39,931 --> 00:02:41,448
who says their sign,
68
00:02:41,448 --> 00:02:43,344
thereby revealing
they're a complete moron.
69
00:02:44,482 --> 00:02:47,241
See, look at this guy.
He's perfect. He's muscly.
70
00:02:47,241 --> 00:02:49,827
Oh, those tattoos, that face.
71
00:02:49,827 --> 00:02:53,172
Then he goes and ruins it
by saying he's a Taurus.
72
00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:55,206
But that means we're
both earth signs
73
00:02:55,206 --> 00:02:57,379
and the universe
certainly formed in ways
74
00:02:57,379 --> 00:02:59,275
that they look like
animal shapes of animals
75
00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:00,724
that are here on Earth.
76
00:03:00,724 --> 00:03:04,103
And if we're both born under
ones that look kind of similar,
77
00:03:04,103 --> 00:03:06,310
that obviously means we're
gonna get alon-
78
00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:08,068
Do you see what happens
when you give it one fucking
79
00:03:08,068 --> 00:03:09,793
moment of
intellectual curiosity?
80
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:12,413
Oh, he's the top!
81
00:03:12,413 --> 00:03:14,586
All just forgiven.
Swipe, swipe, swipe.
82
00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:19,103
I don't normally fuck
a guy on the first date.
83
00:03:19,103 --> 00:03:20,862
This is wild.
84
00:03:20,862 --> 00:03:23,448
What can I say? I'm a Leo.
85
00:03:23,448 --> 00:03:25,620
Oh, the lion and the bull.
86
00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:27,551
Sounds like one of those weird
87
00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:30,137
Pornhub cartoons that
always pops up occasionally.
88
00:03:30,137 --> 00:03:31,758
I have to admit
something to you.
89
00:03:31,758 --> 00:03:33,034
That one where the
little green trolls
90
00:03:33,034 --> 00:03:35,000
gang bang that ginger
muscle Viking?
91
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,034
I watched that the
whole way through.
92
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:36,724
Ugh.
93
00:03:38,034 --> 00:03:40,172
No trolls. I fucked enough
trolls in my lifetime.
94
00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:42,241
If I had a glass,
I'd cheers you.
95
00:03:42,241 --> 00:03:43,379
All right.
96
00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:48,586
So what are we doing next time?
97
00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:50,551
Next time!
Now I know he likes me.
98
00:03:52,068 --> 00:03:55,931
Um, doesn't matter. I mean,
as long as this is part of it.
99
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,275
Oh, absolutely.
100
00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:00,172
You know, it's just, it's
always the same.
101
00:04:00,172 --> 00:04:03,344
Coffee, movie, restaurants, ugh.
102
00:04:04,379 --> 00:04:05,896
I want something interesting.
103
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,551
I mean, do you wanna
storm the capitol?
104
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:10,620
Uh, I mean, fucking you on
the first date is one thing,
105
00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:12,689
but second date with
a road trip?
106
00:04:12,689 --> 00:04:13,965
That's insane.
107
00:04:14,793 --> 00:04:15,724
That's fair.
108
00:04:20,103 --> 00:04:23,758
Well, there is, you know, this
109
00:04:23,758 --> 00:04:25,172
other
110
00:04:25,172 --> 00:04:26,034
thing.
111
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:27,827
Go on.
112
00:04:29,793 --> 00:04:32,551
So, I'm getting a
new tattoo on Wednesday
113
00:04:32,551 --> 00:04:35,931
and you could come if
you wanted to.
114
00:04:35,931 --> 00:04:37,689
I can't tell if that's the
hottest thing in the world
115
00:04:37,689 --> 00:04:40,241
or the weirdest thing
in the world.
116
00:04:40,241 --> 00:04:41,413
Do I have to get one too?
117
00:04:41,413 --> 00:04:43,000
Only if you want one.
118
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:43,551
You don't have any, do you?
119
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:44,965
Just one.
120
00:04:44,965 --> 00:04:47,275
If you noticed, I have,
"One ring to rule them all"
121
00:04:47,275 --> 00:04:49,000
tattooed around my hole.
122
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,103
I'm a big Lord of the Rings fan.
123
00:04:50,103 --> 00:04:51,517
That sounds painful.
124
00:04:51,517 --> 00:04:54,310
Very little sensation
down there anymore.
125
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:56,551
So this has gotta be the
most interesting second
126
00:04:56,551 --> 00:04:57,965
date you've ever been on.
127
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,172
You think you've
seen everything.
128
00:05:01,172 --> 00:05:02,827
Are you just gonna
get my tattoo,
129
00:05:02,827 --> 00:05:05,413
'cause if so, I really hope
that artist knows Elvish.
130
00:05:05,413 --> 00:05:07,862
No, I'm adding to the sleeve.
131
00:05:07,862 --> 00:05:08,965
Uh, so hot.
132
00:05:08,965 --> 00:05:11,620
I'm gonna get the cards
from my last tarot reading
133
00:05:11,620 --> 00:05:13,724
after my boyfriend
broke up with me.
134
00:05:14,862 --> 00:05:15,724
Oh no!
135
00:05:17,965 --> 00:05:21,068
Cool. Uh, so what did
the cards reveal to you?
136
00:05:21,068 --> 00:05:24,137
So I've had a lot of tarot
readings in my lifetime,
137
00:05:24,137 --> 00:05:26,172
but this one was, it was wild.
138
00:05:26,172 --> 00:05:27,965
It was too specific, right?
Okay.
139
00:05:27,965 --> 00:05:30,620
So, it had been a couple
days since we'd broken up
140
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:33,896
and the cards revealed
that I was in a dark place
141
00:05:33,896 --> 00:05:36,689
and then when I got out
I was gonna find myself.
142
00:05:36,689 --> 00:05:39,689
How specific and crazy is that!?
143
00:05:40,379 --> 00:05:41,724
Getting chills.
144
00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:43,965
Ah, it's insane how
all this works.
145
00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,000
And how,
146
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,379
how does that all work?
147
00:05:50,862 --> 00:05:51,689
What do you mean?
148
00:05:51,689 --> 00:05:52,517
Like, tarot.
149
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:53,551
Like how does tarot work?
150
00:05:53,551 --> 00:05:54,586
Explain tarot to me.
151
00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:58,689
Right. So first, like,
I believe in energy.
152
00:05:58,689 --> 00:06:00,068
And that, ladies
and gentlemen,
153
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,793
is the worst sentence
in the English language,
154
00:06:01,793 --> 00:06:03,862
and is the point when
this stops being a date
155
00:06:03,862 --> 00:06:06,655
and starts becoming a
character study.
156
00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:08,034
So the thing about
energy is you know,
157
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,000
you got your kinetic energy,
158
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,689
and your potential energy,
and you know,
159
00:06:10,689 --> 00:06:12,758
energy we have scientific
understanding of,
160
00:06:12,758 --> 00:06:15,689
so there's really any
other energy to believe in?
161
00:06:15,689 --> 00:06:17,862
Right, but like I
believe in energy.
162
00:06:17,862 --> 00:06:20,103
So vibes, you
believe in vibes.
163
00:06:20,103 --> 00:06:22,413
Tarot is a vibes based system.
164
00:06:22,413 --> 00:06:23,275
Like the stock market!
165
00:06:23,275 --> 00:06:24,103
Right.
166
00:06:26,655 --> 00:06:30,137
So like, how does the
deck know what cards
167
00:06:30,137 --> 00:06:31,896
to show you, specifically?
168
00:06:32,655 --> 00:06:33,758
What do you mean?
169
00:06:33,758 --> 00:06:35,172
Well, if a tarot
reading is specific
170
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:38,517
to the person being read,
then that means that it has
171
00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:41,068
to show you a certain set
of cards to tell your story.
172
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,344
Otherwise, it's just a random
set of cards that the charla-
173
00:06:44,344 --> 00:06:46,551
tarot card reader is
interpreting based
174
00:06:46,551 --> 00:06:48,310
on, you know, the little
bit they were able
175
00:06:48,310 --> 00:06:50,241
to learn about you or
generalities
176
00:06:50,241 --> 00:06:52,517
that literally apply
to everyone.
177
00:06:54,724 --> 00:06:56,724
So, you put your
hand on the deck.
178
00:06:58,241 --> 00:06:59,068
Say more?
179
00:07:00,172 --> 00:07:01,344
You put your hand on the deck
180
00:07:01,344 --> 00:07:03,137
and your energy goes into it.
181
00:07:04,517 --> 00:07:08,344
So you are saying, the
deck starts out in one order.
182
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,206
Yeah.
183
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:09,827
You touch the deck.
184
00:07:09,827 --> 00:07:10,655
Right.
185
00:07:10,655 --> 00:07:11,172
Your energy goes
into the deck.
186
00:07:11,172 --> 00:07:12,517
Yeah.
187
00:07:12,517 --> 00:07:14,724
And then the cards rearrange
themselves just for you?
188
00:07:14,724 --> 00:07:15,793
Exactly!
189
00:07:17,862 --> 00:07:19,551
Do you wanna see the design?
190
00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,000
Danny? Danny!
191
00:07:38,068 --> 00:07:38,862
Hmph.
192
00:07:38,862 --> 00:07:41,896
Well, no more
matches in my area.
193
00:07:42,965 --> 00:07:45,482
Hey Siri, set a reminder
to kill myself.
194
00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:54,827
In the previous scene,
the character
195
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:57,172
of Danny made a
lighthearted joke about
196
00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:58,862
a very serious issue.
197
00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:02,137
If you, or anyone you know, is
considering believing in the
198
00:08:02,137 --> 00:08:04,586
Zodiac, please call the
number below.
14376
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