Original subtitles

So, what else do I need to know about you?

I told you, no nudes until at least the third date.

Fuck. Okay, fine.

Um,

should we go like, favorite color?

Does anyone over the age of 10 have a favorite color?

You're so difficult.

He has no idea.

Oh, what's your sign?

I...

I don't really believe in all of that.

Oh. I mean I don't live by it but,

but I think it could tell you a lot about a person.

Can it?

Alright. I'm an Aries.

I knew it.

I'm a Capricorn. Astrology is bullshit.

Anyone that makes a living from it is a snake oil salesman

and should be in jail for fraud.

And anyone who believes in it,

I think is about two YouTube videos away from

belonging to QAnon.

I should not have to explain to anyone that the position

of the vast amount of stars in our galaxy

on the day you were born in any way influences whether

or not you're gonna go for that job at the Office Max.

And that is why on a date, if anyone asks me

what my sign is, I tell them a different sign

because it doesn't matter what the fuck I say,

it always goes like this.

Scorpio, I knew it.

You literally couldn't be any more of a Virgo.

I knew I'd come quickly.

Always with Pisces.

And that's because astrology is bullshit.

And yes, I do understand

I am doing the most Capricorn thing imaginable.

So, as a Libra,

that means we have great compatibility.

Oh, all Libras have nine inch cocks.

What?

Nothing.

You know, I just think it's fun

and it can give you great perspective on

how you relate to other people.

Have you ever had your birth chart done?

No. And here it comes.

Well, you totally should.

So what's your moon and rising sign?

That's where things really get interesting.

I'm sorry, I have to use the bathroom.

Oh! Okay, sure.

Oh, Danny, I think the bathroom's that way.

I meant the one at my apartment.

When I first started dating again,

I actually refused to match with anyone

who mentioned the Zodiac in their profile.

And then all of the apps started doing that thing

where it tells you there's no one left in your area.

Which is basically their way of saying,

"Hey whore!

You've already fucked all these people,

so, uh, I guess it's time to move."

So I've had to broaden my filters a little bit.

A little bit more on age, a little bit more on height,

and then not immediately rejecting someone

who says their sign,

thereby revealing they're a complete moron.

See, look at this guy. He's perfect. He's muscly.

Oh, those tattoos, that face.

Then he goes and ruins it by saying he's a Taurus.

But that means we're both earth signs

and the universe certainly formed in ways

that they look like animal shapes of animals

that are here on Earth.

And if we're both born under ones that look kind of similar,

that obviously means we're gonna get alon-

Do you see what happens when you give it one fucking

moment of intellectual curiosity?

Oh, he's the top!

All just forgiven. Swipe, swipe, swipe.

I don't normally fuck a guy on the first date.

This is wild.

What can I say? I'm a Leo.

Oh, the lion and the bull.

Sounds like one of those weird

Pornhub cartoons that always pops up occasionally.

I have to admit something to you.

That one where the little green trolls

gang bang that ginger muscle Viking?

I watched that the whole way through.

Ugh.

No trolls. I fucked enough trolls in my lifetime.

If I had a glass, I'd cheers you.

All right.

So what are we doing next time?

Next time! Now I know he likes me.

Um, doesn't matter. I mean, as long as this is part of it.

Oh, absolutely.

You know, it's just, it's always the same.

Coffee, movie, restaurants, ugh.

I want something interesting.

I mean, do you wanna storm the capitol?

Uh, I mean, fucking you on the first date is one thing,

but second date with a road trip?

That's insane.

That's fair.

Well, there is, you know, this

other

thing.

Go on.

So, I'm getting a new tattoo on Wednesday

and you could come if you wanted to.

I can't tell if that's the hottest thing in the world

or the weirdest thing in the world.

Do I have to get one too?

Only if you want one.

You don't have any, do you?

Just one.

If you noticed, I have, "One ring to rule them all"

tattooed around my hole.

I'm a big Lord of the Rings fan.

That sounds painful.

Very little sensation down there anymore.

So this has gotta be the most interesting second

date you've ever been on.

You think you've seen everything.

Are you just gonna get my tattoo,

'cause if so, I really hope that artist knows Elvish.

No, I'm adding to the sleeve.

Uh, so hot.

I'm gonna get the cards from my last tarot reading

after my boyfriend broke up with me.

Oh no!

Cool. Uh, so what did the cards reveal to you?

So I've had a lot of tarot readings in my lifetime,

but this one was, it was wild.

It was too specific, right? Okay.

So, it had been a couple days since we'd broken up

and the cards revealed that I was in a dark place

and then when I got out I was gonna find myself.

How specific and crazy is that!?

Getting chills.

Ah, it's insane how all this works.

And how,

how does that all work?

What do you mean?

Like, tarot.

Like how does tarot work?

Explain tarot to me.

Right. So first, like, I believe in energy.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the worst sentence in the English language,

and is the point when this stops being a date

and starts becoming a character study.

So the thing about energy is you know,

you got your kinetic energy,

and your potential energy, and you know,

energy we have scientific understanding of,

so there's really any other energy to believe in?

Right, but like I believe in energy.

So vibes, you believe in vibes.

Tarot is a vibes based system.

Like the stock market!

Right.

So like, how does the deck know what cards

to show you, specifically?

What do you mean?

Well, if a tarot reading is specific

to the person being read, then that means that it has

to show you a certain set of cards to tell your story.

Otherwise, it's just a random set of cards that the charla-

tarot card reader is interpreting based

on, you know, the little bit they were able

to learn about you or generalities

that literally apply to everyone.

So, you put your hand on the deck.

Say more?

You put your hand on the deck

and your energy goes into it.

So you are saying, the deck starts out in one order.

Yeah.

You touch the deck.

Right.

Your energy goes into the deck.

Yeah.

And then the cards rearrange themselves just for you?

Exactly!

Do you wanna see the design?

Danny? Danny!

Hmph.

Well, no more matches in my area.

Hey Siri, set a reminder to kill myself.

In the previous scene, the character

of Danny made a lighthearted joke about

a very serious issue.

If you, or anyone you know, is considering believing in the

Zodiac, please call the number below.