Original subtitles

Shameless self-promotion.

Some people made sourdough during the pandemic,

I decided that 39 was the perfect time

to break into the music industry.

Buoyed by unemployment and a devastating breakup,

I had a lot of time and a lot of feelings.

So... flash forward

and here I am ready to underwhelm tens of people

with my original music.

Yes, yes.

Your eyes do not deceive you,

you are watching a midlife crisis in progress.

Hi sweetie. So if you wanna perform for more than just me

and the bartender, you need to go outside

and get some people in here, okay?

That's how it works.

Sure. Sorry, I just haven't done this before.

Expectations successfully managed.

Go... go go.

I'll put that behind the DJ booth.

Put what?

Your shirt.

My shirt?

Take off your shirt and give it to me.

Why would I do that?

Sweetie, I'm sure you're very talented, but I promise you

absolutely nobody cares about that.

Trust me, I'm a drag queen who has not been on TV yet.

I know.

The only way any gay person is gonna come in here

and subject themselves to any music that's not Dula Peep,

let alone live music from another homosexual,

is if you lure them in with your body and insinuate

you might get very drunk and let them suck you off

in the bathroom in between sets.

Got it?

What a time to be alive.

Welcome to Night Life, daddy.

Hey.

Hey.

And that is why you're here.

I think that was the first time in like seven years

that anyone has hit on me in person.

And it's not just the pandemic

or like the whole five year relationship beforehand

with the sociopath,

I just generally have this vibe of like,

the fuck you want?

So, I thrive on the apps.

I think I have to carefully curate this experience.

Maybe I just need to take my shirt off more often.

Thanks, CrossFit!

So, bi nights are Tuesdays and it is sexuals and not cycles.

Dammit! I always mix up my bi nights.

You look cold.

Did you say cold or old?

No, both are correct.

Only one is correct. Are you a new bartender?

Performing.

I'm still not over the bike.

Yeah, I was gonna meet my friends for drinks

but I can't find a place to put this

so I think I'm just gonna move along.

Have you noticed that there never seemed

to be any open docks in all of Williamsburg?

Well that's because everyone rides their own unicycles.

I'm off trend.

I think we've successfully overcompensated with the outfit

and the, the mustache.

You don't think it's cute?

I didn't say that.

Good.

Well as I was saying,

I was just gonna keep moving along,

but if you're performing I might just need to figure it out.

Oh, a fan?

Oh, I'm definitely a fan.

Do you think I have time to go find somewhere

to put this before you go on?

Absolutely.

Alright, we'll see you in a bit, stud.

Is the outfit a red flag?

Yes. Is the mustache stupid?

Absolutely.

But as of the former, anyone with that kind of confidence

to wear that in public has gotta be packing heat

and you know mustaches feel good on the taint, so...

yeah, why not?

You're like 27, 28?

39. And you're what, 30?

Yeah, I thought you were my age. You don't look-

Like I'm a year away from daddy status?

Yeah, apparently in your forties

you just have to become a top, so...

It's gonna be a busy year.

I volunteer as tribute.

Are you single?

Yes sir.

Okay, but like how single?

What do you mean?

Like actually single or like

I'm a gay 30-year-old New Yorker in 2022,

which means I'm in two open-poly relationships looking

for a tertiary to fill every third Saturday?

Too complicated for me.

Or like you're single, but like you

and your friends don't like labels

so you travel in like a pack fuck squad.

Pass each other around depending on the position

of Jupiter's fifth moon?

Again, too complicated. Just single-single.

Call me old fashioned but I like to get

to know one person at a time

and if we get serious, I'm sorry to say,

but it's boring old monogamy for me.

Ah, but with your eye out

for the next best thing, I'm sure.

Not me.

When I see potential I like to focus. See where it goes.

I mean it's not every day a handsome shirtless artist is

just waiting for me out on the street. So...

Aren't you a pleasant surprise.

Here I am thinking you are my pleasant surprise.

Do you need another drink?

Before I perform? No.

After... absolutely.

Cool. When do you go on?

Imminently.

I should actually check in with Giselle.

Got it. I'm gonna go grab round two

and I'll have yours waiting for you when you celebrate

your killer performance.

Break a leg.

Fuck the apps. Fuck the fucking apps.

This is what you do.

You just have to go out into the world

and open your arms to the universe

and you hold out your hands and you know what it gives you?

A stack of tickets for the fucking mustache ride!

You go on the apps because you say to yourself, "I'm tired

of all of these non-committal pricks who are allergic

to the word "date," who just wanna chill and watch a movie

and they just end up fucking and ghosting you?"

So you suck up your pride

and you pay some money to go to a platform

where you think everyone else is there to date.

But lo and behold, it's the same closet cases, married men,

and mouth breathers you're trying to avoid

in the fucking first place!

I guess you have to just go into the world

and let it happen

and maybe take off your shirt.

Ready, baby?

Fuck yeah.

I am ready for the universe.

Apparently the universe is ready for me.

Half these people are gonna walk out

the second you open your mouth.

Okay babe? Let's have some perspective.

Now in the past that would make me feel insecure,

but I'm far too old and my brain is far too broken for that.

Plus he said he likes to focus on one person at a time

and you know who has focus tonight?

This faggot.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

to the stage... Danny.

Whoo!

Jesus.

Thank, thank, thank you,

thank you all for having me.

Alright, so I wrote this song during quarantine.

It's, it's about a breakup that I went through,

it was pretty devastating.

So it's a little raw, it's a little, little personal.

Get to the song!

So it's about how I've been feeling about men

and relationships lately, you know, love and all that,

but I don't know, might be a sea change with that.

I think I might have a reason to be a little more hopeful.

Alright, so this is my new song.

You can get it if you like it on all the streaming

platforms and it is called, oh fuck you, your bike,

your stupid fucking mustache!

Men are full of shit!

All of them. All of them.

Heterosexuals, homosexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, asexuals,

demi-sexuals, shit-sexuals.

They're awful full of shit. All of them.

And that's why I'm staying on the apps, right?

'Cause yeah, everyone treats each other terribly on them,

but at least you don't feel the pressure to like be romantic

or spin some fucking tale.

It's blunt, it's cold,

it's transactional, but you know what?

At least it's the fucking truth. You have a dick.

I have some holes. Let's make it happen.

I think I hate gay people.

Girl...