Original subtitles

His dick is so big.

I would show it to you,

but chances are whatever platform

you're watching this on is not gonna let me.

Now if I turned around

and started choking the shit outta that little girl

until her eyeballs popped out

and started rolling on the floor,

I guarantee they let me show you

every gruesome moment of that.

But show you a piece of human anatomy

that has responsibility for well,

all of human existence.

That would be beyond the pale.

I'm not going to,

it's not that kind of show.

No, this is the type of show

where the main character talks directly into the camera.

And that way we don't have to have best friend, Sally,

say stupid shit like,

It's so good to see you, Danny, which is your name.

Didn't you miss me?

Your friend, Sally, which is my name.

I haven't seen you since you

and your ex-boyfriend Brian broke up,

which was two years, seven months ago,

right before the Covid-19 pandemic.

Oh, didn't you lose your job?

That's because unlike every other show,

this one isn't written by a committee of 22 year olds

who haven't lived enough life yet outside of their phones

to know how actual people talk to each other.

And sure, some of you're gonna be like,

"oh, he is just copying Fleabag."

And then I'm gonna be like,

Fleabag didn't invent breaking the fourth wall

so you can go ahead and eat my whole ass.

Which this guy does amazingly, by the way.

It's like he's an inmate and I'm his last supper,

which reminds me we should probably do a

conjugal visit role play.

It's that perfect combination of eager and grateful

that really makes me hit the ceiling.

Usually kind of a dribbler.

Yeah, it's that kind of show.

So that special skill in combination

with aforementioned donkey dick is the

reason this date is happening.

And the reason you're joining me on it tonight

as opposed to any other night of my dreadful existence is

because this is the first time since aforementioned pandemic

and aforementioned breakup that I've gone on a date.

Yeah, those are both legit.

And my name is Danny.

Sally isn't real though,

because, well, no one's named Sally anymore.

Hi.

Hi.

Danny for two at eight.

Oh great.

Your guest is already here.

You can follow Sally to your table.

Thank you Sally.

Right this way.

There's my guy.

I regret this already.

So immediately after the breakup I sort of went through a,

I hate all men phase.

And then after I got vaccinated,

it kind of transitioned into a give me all the dick phase.

And that is when I met Adam.

So after like the third time he railed me,

Nope.

he was like,

We have a great connection bud.

Maybe we should grab dinner sometime.

Now that wasn't the first time that that happened

during my phase of sexual terrorism,

but it was the first time I didn't

immediately reject it out of hand.

So I thought to myself, you know, maybe this is a sign

I'm ready to entertain tolerating someone again.

As long as you fuck me before and or after,

depending on the cuisine.

Are you ready to go again?

Groan all you want.

I love a pervert.

It's weird to see you in clothing.

Jockstrap is technically clothing.

Fuck, buddy, are you wearing one for me right now?

I'm actually not wearing anything right now

because I've decided to John Hamm it

at this stage of my life.

Oh fuck yes, I love a pervert.

See, potential.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I already know what we want.

Everything here is great,

so I figured I'd just order some shit we could pick at.

We're gonna have two of the tortas

and two of the chicken enchiladas and some guacamole

and you know, maybe the like ajo-ican mole biste colombre.

On the other hand,

and just keep the margaritas flowing, please.

Please.

You got it.

I am gonna fuck you so hard after this.

After filling me with Mexican food, I think not.

Oh shit.

All right, maybe we should go somewhere else then.

No, no, it's better this way.

We should really get to know each other aside from well,

our carnal connection.

Dope.

So what do you do?

Well, it's more like what I don't do right now, actually.

I mean like, if I'm honest,

I mean like I'm super invested in a lot

of different synergies right now

and I'm like chasing opportunities

as they present themselves, but also being very mindful

to not like overextend myself.

Like I'm only trying to invest in projects

that have a very high ROI potential.

So like I am busy and like in full hustle mode,

but I'm also very grateful.

But you know how it is.

So what do you do?

What do you mean?

Like your job?

Like what is your job?

I just told you.

Right, so, okay, okay.

Ask me what I do.

Mm, it doesn't matter.

Sorry?

People are just so much more than their jobs, you know?

I mean, I just think it's limiting

to define people based on their source of income.

I don't know, I kind of think it's primary information.

You know how someone spends most of the hours of their day.

Right, okay, so had you asked me, I would've said

I'm a corporate lawyer, in-house, by day

and then at night I write and make music

that I perform all over town

because I decided this is the perfect time

for a midlife crisis.

That's dope.

Thank you.

So like what industry would you say you work in?

I would say I'm in the industry of me.

Look, like, I'm just at the point in my life

where I know my value and I know what I bring to the table.

'Cause I'm kind of like that bitch

and I'm just trying to focus on finding projects

that see that too 'cause otherwise

it's just a waste of time for everyone.

So like media or?

Yeah, like media is a big part of it,

but like media's a big part of everything now

if you think about it,

like we all have our own personal brands on social media.

So like, aren't we all kind of in the business of media now?

Why do I feel like you're all about to find out

how much one of my kidneys would go for on the dark web?

Hey, hey, hey.

I am really glad we're doing this.

We just like, it's electric, right?

I mean, you feel it too, yeah?

Oh, I feel it.

I think there's definitely something worth exploring.

Fuck.

You make me so horny.

Do you maybe just want to get outta here and vibe?

Oh, fuck, buddy.

You taste so good.

You ready for this cock, buddy?

See, I told you.

Seriously though, I have to stretch before he comes over

and I'm a professional.

Oh, I, I don't charge.

No judgment if you do,

I just, I still have to be a lawyer.

And that's how you do exposition, baby.

Pro tip.

If a hookup ever lingers

or God forbid, wants to cuddle,

Sure you don't wanna cuddle bud?

You know my rule.

Don't touch me unless you're inside me.

Linger in a doorway.

It is the perfect way to insinuate that

it's time for them to get the fuck out.

Works every time.