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1
00:00:14,054 --> 00:00:15,501
His dick is so big.
2
00:00:16,914 --> 00:00:17,913
I would show it to you,
3
00:00:17,913 --> 00:00:19,531
but chances are
whatever platform
4
00:00:19,531 --> 00:00:21,909
you're watching this
on is not gonna let me.
5
00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:23,252
Now if I turned around
6
00:00:23,252 --> 00:00:24,871
and started choking the
shit outta that little girl
7
00:00:24,871 --> 00:00:26,766
until her eyeballs popped out
8
00:00:26,766 --> 00:00:27,834
and started rolling
on the floor,
9
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:29,384
I guarantee they let me show you
10
00:00:29,384 --> 00:00:31,864
every gruesome moment of that.
11
00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:34,207
But show you a piece of
human anatomy
12
00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:36,446
that has
responsibility for well,
13
00:00:36,446 --> 00:00:37,789
all of human existence.
14
00:00:37,789 --> 00:00:39,409
That would be beyond the pale.
15
00:00:42,406 --> 00:00:44,128
I'm not going to,
16
00:00:45,092 --> 00:00:46,884
it's not that kind of show.
17
00:00:50,087 --> 00:00:51,499
No, this is the type of show
18
00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:53,119
where the main character talks
directly into the camera.
19
00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:55,840
And that way we don't have
to have best friend, Sally,
20
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,597
say stupid shit like,
21
00:00:57,597 --> 00:00:59,802
It's so good to see you,
Danny, which is your name.
22
00:00:59,802 --> 00:01:00,939
Didn't you miss me?
23
00:01:00,939 --> 00:01:02,833
Your friend, Sally,
which is my name.
24
00:01:02,833 --> 00:01:04,349
I haven't seen you since you
25
00:01:04,349 --> 00:01:06,416
and your ex-boyfriend
Brian broke up,
26
00:01:06,416 --> 00:01:08,862
which was two years,
seven months ago,
27
00:01:08,862 --> 00:01:10,274
right before the
Covid-19 pandemic.
28
00:01:10,274 --> 00:01:13,891
Oh, didn't you lose your job?
29
00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:15,510
That's because unlike
every other show,
30
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,611
this one isn't written by
a committee of 22 year olds
31
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:20,230
who haven't lived enough life
yet outside of their phones
32
00:01:20,230 --> 00:01:22,813
to know how actual people
talk to each other.
33
00:01:22,813 --> 00:01:24,846
And sure, some of you're
gonna be like,
34
00:01:24,846 --> 00:01:25,982
"oh, he is just
copying Fleabag."
35
00:01:25,982 --> 00:01:27,188
And then I'm gonna be like,
36
00:01:27,843 --> 00:01:29,599
Fleabag didn't invent
breaking the fourth wall
37
00:01:29,599 --> 00:01:32,218
so you can go ahead and
eat my whole ass.
38
00:01:33,664 --> 00:01:35,284
Which this guy does amazingly,
by the way.
39
00:01:35,284 --> 00:01:38,935
It's like he's an inmate
and I'm his last supper,
40
00:01:38,935 --> 00:01:41,553
which reminds me we
should probably do a
41
00:01:41,553 --> 00:01:43,999
conjugal visit role play.
42
00:01:43,999 --> 00:01:46,789
It's that perfect combination
of eager and grateful
43
00:01:46,789 --> 00:01:48,546
that really makes me
hit the ceiling.
44
00:01:48,546 --> 00:01:50,889
Usually kind of a dribbler.
45
00:01:50,889 --> 00:01:54,161
Yeah, it's that kind of show.
46
00:01:58,054 --> 00:01:59,914
So that special skill
in combination
47
00:01:59,914 --> 00:02:01,912
with aforementioned
donkey dick is the
48
00:02:01,912 --> 00:02:03,256
reason this date is happening.
49
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:04,943
And the reason you're
joining me on it tonight
50
00:02:04,943 --> 00:02:07,527
as opposed to any other night
of my dreadful existence is
51
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:11,833
because this is the first time
since aforementioned pandemic
52
00:02:11,833 --> 00:02:14,899
and aforementioned breakup
that I've gone on a date.
53
00:02:14,899 --> 00:02:17,689
Yeah, those are both legit.
54
00:02:17,689 --> 00:02:18,654
And my name is Danny.
55
00:02:18,654 --> 00:02:20,204
Sally isn't real though,
56
00:02:20,204 --> 00:02:22,822
because, well, no one's
named Sally anymore.
57
00:02:24,372 --> 00:02:25,234
Hi.
58
00:02:27,507 --> 00:02:28,368
Hi.
59
00:02:28,368 --> 00:02:30,366
Danny for two at eight.
60
00:02:30,366 --> 00:02:31,262
Oh great.
61
00:02:31,262 --> 00:02:32,261
Your guest is already here.
62
00:02:32,261 --> 00:02:34,190
You can follow Sally
to your table.
63
00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:35,051
Thank you Sally.
64
00:02:35,051 --> 00:02:36,188
Right this way.
65
00:02:36,188 --> 00:02:38,152
There's my guy.
66
00:02:44,042 --> 00:02:45,868
I regret this already.
67
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:55,341
So immediately after the breakup
I sort of went through a,
68
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:56,478
I hate all men phase.
69
00:02:56,478 --> 00:02:57,890
And then after I got vaccinated,
70
00:02:57,890 --> 00:03:01,232
it kind of transitioned into
a give me all the dick phase.
71
00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:03,609
And that is when I met Adam.
72
00:03:06,262 --> 00:03:09,086
So after like the third
time he railed me,
73
00:03:09,086 --> 00:03:09,672
Nope.
74
00:03:09,672 --> 00:03:10,671
he was like,
75
00:03:10,671 --> 00:03:12,979
We have a great
connection bud.
76
00:03:12,979 --> 00:03:16,217
Maybe we should grab
dinner sometime.
77
00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:18,904
Now that wasn't the first
time that that happened
78
00:03:18,904 --> 00:03:20,833
during my phase of
sexual terrorism,
79
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,590
but it was the first
time I didn't
80
00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:23,968
immediately reject it
out of hand.
81
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:26,827
So I thought to myself, you
know, maybe this is a sign
82
00:03:26,827 --> 00:03:29,755
I'm ready to entertain
tolerating someone again.
83
00:03:29,755 --> 00:03:33,820
As long as you fuck me
before and or after,
84
00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:34,957
depending on the cuisine.
85
00:03:34,957 --> 00:03:36,989
Are you ready to go again?
86
00:03:49,287 --> 00:03:50,493
Groan all you want.
87
00:03:50,493 --> 00:03:51,699
I love a pervert.
88
00:03:54,007 --> 00:03:56,005
It's weird to
see you in clothing.
89
00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:58,381
Jockstrap is
technically clothing.
90
00:03:58,381 --> 00:04:00,931
Fuck, buddy, are you
wearing one for me right now?
91
00:04:00,931 --> 00:04:02,584
I'm actually not
wearing anything right now
92
00:04:02,584 --> 00:04:04,204
because I've decided
to John Hamm it
93
00:04:04,204 --> 00:04:05,581
at this stage of my life.
94
00:04:05,581 --> 00:04:08,131
Oh fuck yes, I love a pervert.
95
00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:11,024
See, potential.
96
00:04:11,024 --> 00:04:12,884
Oh, I'm sorry.
97
00:04:12,884 --> 00:04:14,331
I already know what we want.
98
00:04:14,331 --> 00:04:15,881
Everything here is great,
99
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,052
so I figured I'd just order
some shit we could pick at.
100
00:04:18,052 --> 00:04:20,188
We're gonna have two
of the tortas
101
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:25,699
and two of the chicken
enchiladas and some guacamole
102
00:04:26,491 --> 00:04:31,142
and you know, maybe the like
ajo-ican mole biste colombre.
103
00:04:33,381 --> 00:04:35,104
On the other hand,
104
00:04:35,104 --> 00:04:39,203
and just keep the
margaritas flowing, please.
105
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:43,096
Please.
106
00:04:43,096 --> 00:04:45,610
You got it.
107
00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:48,331
I am gonna fuck you so
hard after this.
108
00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:50,950
After filling me with
Mexican food, I think not.
109
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:52,431
Oh shit.
110
00:04:52,431 --> 00:04:53,637
All right, maybe we should
go somewhere else then.
111
00:04:53,637 --> 00:04:55,084
No, no, it's
better this way.
112
00:04:55,084 --> 00:04:59,149
We should really get to know
each other aside from well,
113
00:04:59,149 --> 00:05:01,215
our carnal connection.
114
00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:03,041
Dope.
115
00:05:13,892 --> 00:05:15,442
So what do you do?
116
00:05:15,442 --> 00:05:18,474
Well, it's more like what I
don't do right now, actually.
117
00:05:18,474 --> 00:05:20,128
I mean like, if I'm honest,
118
00:05:20,128 --> 00:05:23,365
I mean like I'm super
invested in a lot
119
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,571
of different synergies right now
120
00:05:24,571 --> 00:05:25,984
and I'm like chasing
opportunities
121
00:05:25,984 --> 00:05:28,739
as they present themselves,
but also being very mindful
122
00:05:28,739 --> 00:05:30,255
to not like overextend myself.
123
00:05:30,255 --> 00:05:32,839
Like I'm only trying to
invest in projects
124
00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:35,147
that have a very high
ROI potential.
125
00:05:35,147 --> 00:05:38,661
So like I am busy and
like in full hustle mode,
126
00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:40,796
but I'm also very grateful.
127
00:05:40,796 --> 00:05:42,657
But you know how it is.
128
00:05:47,686 --> 00:05:49,270
So what do you do?
129
00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:50,132
What do you mean?
130
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:50,821
Like your job?
131
00:05:50,821 --> 00:05:52,130
Like what is your job?
132
00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:53,163
I just told you.
133
00:05:56,677 --> 00:06:00,019
Right, so, okay, okay.
134
00:06:00,019 --> 00:06:01,603
Ask me what I do.
135
00:06:01,603 --> 00:06:02,637
Mm, it doesn't matter.
136
00:06:02,637 --> 00:06:04,015
Sorry?
137
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:06,736
People are just so much more
than their jobs, you know?
138
00:06:06,736 --> 00:06:08,011
I mean, I just think
it's limiting
139
00:06:08,011 --> 00:06:10,870
to define people based on
their source of income.
140
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,040
I don't know, I kind of
think it's primary information.
141
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,174
You know how someone spends
most of the hours of their day.
142
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,030
Right, okay, so had you
asked me, I would've said
143
00:06:23,030 --> 00:06:27,543
I'm a corporate lawyer,
in-house, by day
144
00:06:27,543 --> 00:06:29,885
and then at night I write
and make music
145
00:06:29,885 --> 00:06:31,228
that I perform all over town
146
00:06:31,228 --> 00:06:33,399
because I decided this is
the perfect time
147
00:06:33,399 --> 00:06:35,224
for a midlife crisis.
148
00:06:35,224 --> 00:06:36,017
That's dope.
149
00:06:36,017 --> 00:06:37,085
Thank you.
150
00:06:37,085 --> 00:06:40,082
So like what industry
would you say you work in?
151
00:06:40,082 --> 00:06:43,079
I would say I'm in the
industry of me.
152
00:06:47,592 --> 00:06:49,900
Look, like, I'm just
at the point in my life
153
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:53,413
where I know my value and I
know what I bring to the table.
154
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,066
'Cause I'm kind of
like that bitch
155
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:58,339
and I'm just trying to
focus on finding projects
156
00:06:58,339 --> 00:06:59,821
that see that too
'cause otherwise
157
00:06:59,821 --> 00:07:02,060
it's just a waste of
time for everyone.
158
00:07:03,748 --> 00:07:05,539
So like media or?
159
00:07:05,539 --> 00:07:07,709
Yeah, like media is a
big part of it,
160
00:07:07,709 --> 00:07:10,672
but like media's a big
part of everything now
161
00:07:10,672 --> 00:07:12,118
if you think about it,
162
00:07:12,118 --> 00:07:15,115
like we all have our own
personal brands on social media.
163
00:07:15,115 --> 00:07:19,697
So like, aren't we all kind of
in the business of media now?
164
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,968
Why do I feel like you're
all about to find out
165
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:27,827
how much one of my kidneys
would go for on the dark web?
166
00:07:27,827 --> 00:07:29,205
Hey, hey, hey.
167
00:07:30,755 --> 00:07:32,719
I am really glad
we're doing this.
168
00:07:33,614 --> 00:07:37,817
We just like, it's electric, right?
169
00:07:37,817 --> 00:07:39,436
I mean, you feel it too, yeah?
170
00:07:49,150 --> 00:07:50,322
Oh, I feel it.
171
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,973
I think there's definitely
something worth exploring.
172
00:07:56,488 --> 00:07:57,728
Fuck.
173
00:07:58,486 --> 00:08:00,105
You make me so horny.
174
00:08:02,137 --> 00:08:04,928
Do you maybe just want to
get outta here and vibe?
175
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:09,510
Oh, fuck, buddy.
176
00:08:09,510 --> 00:08:10,750
You taste so good.
177
00:08:14,849 --> 00:08:16,675
You ready for this cock, buddy?
178
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:23,875
See, I told you.
179
00:08:23,875 --> 00:08:26,561
Seriously though, I have to
stretch before he comes over
180
00:08:26,561 --> 00:08:27,940
and I'm a professional.
181
00:08:30,695 --> 00:08:33,210
Oh, I, I don't charge.
182
00:08:33,210 --> 00:08:34,588
No judgment if you do,
183
00:08:34,588 --> 00:08:37,102
I just, I still have
to be a lawyer.
184
00:08:37,102 --> 00:08:39,617
And that's how you do
exposition, baby.
185
00:08:42,235 --> 00:08:42,925
Pro tip.
186
00:08:42,925 --> 00:08:44,509
If a hookup ever lingers
187
00:08:44,509 --> 00:08:45,784
or God forbid, wants to cuddle,
188
00:08:45,784 --> 00:08:48,264
Sure you don't
wanna cuddle bud?
189
00:08:48,264 --> 00:08:49,159
You know my rule.
190
00:08:49,159 --> 00:08:51,123
Don't touch me unless
you're inside me.
191
00:08:51,123 --> 00:08:52,777
Linger in a doorway.
192
00:08:52,777 --> 00:08:54,465
It is the perfect way to
insinuate that
193
00:08:54,465 --> 00:08:56,600
it's time for them to
get the fuck out.
194
00:09:00,631 --> 00:09:02,250
Works every time.
14133
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