All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E15.Parents.Everywhere.Hate.This.Song.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

That was, uh--

that was crazy.

Totally insane.

A lot of blood.

Just lots, lots of blood.

You-- you hit nails
through the guy's hands.

Yeah.

And then you hit nails
through the guy's feet.

OK.

I can't even look at you.

Hey, I'm not the
one who cut the guy's

chest after he already died.

I got a little carried away.

Hey, we-- we all did, so--

All right, guys,
let's be professional.

God might have
another son someday,

and we might have
to crucify him too.

Right, yeah.

So we should talk about
the positives, all right?

What went right,
what went wrong,

what we could do
better for next time.

Yeah.

So let's start with
the positives, OK?

What worked?

Well, we killed Jesus.

There we go.

That's true

No one can say that
we didn't kill Jesus.

Exactly, we set out to kill
Jesus, and we killed Jesus.

Yeah!

All right, I'm gonna
write these down, OK?

All right, good, all
right, killed Jesus.

Other positives?

Ooh, uh, the crown
of thorns worked.

It looked like it hurt.

It made his head real bloody.

I liked that--
Yeah

hard.

It stayed on
him too, even when

he did that little head
slouch thing, you know,

when he was dying.

Um, it didn't fall off.

Crown of thorns worked, and
that is a credit for our crown

of thorn maker, Drusus.

Thank-- thank you, everybody.

I only use the best thorns.

Thank you.

Thank you, Drusus.

I test the thorns on my
head, and I put it there,

and I go, .

That will
be all, Drusus, thank you.

And then I put it there,
and I go, ...

OK, OK--

And then I take--
and I take the thorn--

Let's
get him out of here.

and I put it on my teeth.

OK, get him out of here.
Drusus, come on.

OK.

All right.

Thank you, everybody.

You're welcome.

OK, just head back
to your cubicle.

Thank you.

No, Drusus, the door.

The door, Drusus.

That's not--

No, that's a wall.

Thank you.

Head on.

There we go.

Did you guys know
he dates Debra?

Hello, hello, let's get
back with some other things

that we liked.

Let's get those out there.

I really liked
spitting on Jesus Christ.

Oh, I saw that.

That was great.

Good job sitting.

Thank you.

I was a little afraid it got
overshadowed by hammering

a man to wood, so--

No, no way, no way,
it's all buildup.

You can't start with
hammering a guy to wood.

You split-- that
was-- that was--

it was so good.

More positives,
more positives.

Can I say something
about the crucifixion?

Oh god, here we go.

We just had to schedule
the meeting three days after.

So overall, I didn't like it.

The crucifixion?

No, walking on water.

Yeah, the crucifixion.

Hey, no need to be a
little stinker, Jesus.

Yeah, Jesus, don't
be a little stinker.

He's right.

You're being a little stinker.

No one likes a little stinker.

Jesus, don't be
a little stinker.

You guys are right.

I'm just being a little
stinker right now.

But I didn't like getting
nailed to the cross.

Well, you're just
a little bit biased.

That's true, but I think
it's important for you

all to know that
when you die, you're

all going straight to hell.

And I'm going to
meet you down there,

and I'm going to turn
myself into fire,

and jump inside your mouths,
and liquefy your insides.

After that, I'm going to see to
it that you're always shitting

blood every second of
everyday you're in hell,

which is all of eternity.

While you're shitting blood
and your insides are on fire,

I'm gonna force you all
to watch "Mama's Family."

Oh my god.

There's six seasons, 130
episodes of "Mama's Family."

You're gonna watch it on a loop.

And if you turn your head
away from the television,

another television is going
to appear in your sightline

and pick up the episode
of mama's family right

where it left off when
you turned your head.

And lastly, you're all
going to be giving birth

all the time from your mouths.

So that's that.

You little stinker.

I just want to say one thing.

Never mind.

All right, I'm gonna say it.

My ass is killing me
in this car.

This is gonna be a very

sexy episode of "Love Ride."

Hey, Russ, Russ.

Mame?

Oh my gosh, I am so excited.

Really, it's Mame?

- Yes, it's a nickname.
- A Broadway show of Mame?

What's your real name?
- Melanie.

Melanie.
- Don't call me that.

People call you--
don't call you Melanie.

No, Mame, call me Mame.

So we just met.

Already, you got a
lot of rules here.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Tell me how you met.

I own a cigar shop.

Russ and I went to
high school together.

You know, he's actually
younger than me.

Go ahead, Mame.

So he walked into
the smoke shop,

and we just, like,
kind of hit it off.

But you sell other
tobacco products,

obviously, like pipes?

Yeah, mostly just cigars.

What do you think about Obama
opening up the door to Cuba?

What do you think about the
opening up the Cuban embargo?

I think it's gonna be a while.

You know, by opening
up relations with them,

it's kind of a slap in
the face to, like, Cuban--

Huge market for a--
a bogus Cuban product.

We're gonna get Cuban cigars.

Like, everybody walked--

What is it about communism
that leads to a great cigar?

Went and got them
in, ran so many people

out of their country.

So many issues, slavery, even.

I sell a lot of
of boutique stuff.

So some of my best
sellers are 724 cigars--

We need to show
this Western style.

We just happen to be
making these cigars right.

Now, let me ask you this just
because we keep smoking--

talking about smoking.

And you met him
and what happened?

Why are you together?

You know, I just
walked in her shop.

It's like, wow.
- He was like, hey, that's Mame.

She kept asking me out,
and finally, I said, yes.

Oh shut up!

You were like, get off me!

I don't beg for anything.

I'm sure.

She, uh-- was like--

A Hitchcock blonde like you?

You're in control.

Didn't beg you, come on.

So you're attracted
to each other.

Are you in love?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

You had jobs.

You had responsibilities.

You got kids.

- Baggage, all that stuff.
- A lot of baggage--

Do you have a pass?

which is why we
don't live together.

Do you like living
the way you are alone?

Honestly, I live
with my mother.

We share a house.

Do you want to live
together one day?

We do.

I live at home.

I stay with my mother.

You live with your mother?
I do.

And you live with your mother?
Yeah.

I'm gonna slap the shit
out of the two of you.

What's it like to have sex when
your mothers in the other room

vacuuming?

Sucks.

It doesn't happen.

I have an
assistant here who is

from the Institute in
Geneva, the Lavrov Institute.

He's gonna come and
join us any minute now.

Here he is, everyone,
Professor Friedlander

from down at the institute.

Hey guys, I was, uh--

I was in the trunk,
so it was a little--

I was able to hear a few things.

Oh my gosh.

So you guys are-- you
guys are not married.

And they're living
with their parents.

- That's so cool.
- We're so stupid.

You have two people.

They're trying to have
sex in the basement,

and they turn up a--
you know, a game show.

I turn up the TV.

Oh yeah.

That keeps you alive.

Have you mastered
the art of quiet sex?

Oh yeah.

You
have really good sex?

- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah.

You do?
- We're good at it.

You're like, right there,
right there, right there.

Oh you got it--

Yeah, it's like right there.

Does it get hard
to concentrate

when it cuts to the
commercial and the volume goes

up even louder?

Chevrolet presents--
whoa, mommy wakes up.

Wonder we've had a lot
of sex at 30 Rock, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You were in perfect--
- I could see you.

We'd be doing the TV, and I
could see you through the TV.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I see your mother passed
out with the wine.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Good luck to you.

Good luck with your
business, whatever it is.

Hi, there.
- Oh, hello, ma'am.

How can I help you?

Could I get the
Italian combo, please.

Absolutely, ooh,
I'm gonna make

you a delicious
sandwich today, the best

sandwich you ever tasted.

It's got a little bit
of everything on it.

It's got ,, a
little bit of Swiss cheese,

put a little bit of lettuce,
all on ciabatta bread.

Oh, my favorite.

The best bread, right?

Sounds great.

There she is.

Beautiful.

Oh, look at that
beautiful sandwich, huh?

OK, sorry--

Delicious.

Thank you, I'll just--

I'm gonna eat this one.

What?

Oh my god, I'm sorry.

You just ate the--

I had to do it.

I had to eat it.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
- OK.

Let me make
you another sandwich.

OK.

Let me tell you a little
bit about our ingredients.

Uh-huh.

We import all our meats and
cheeses from the old country.

That's why they're so fresh.

That's why the sandwich
tastes so good.

I really-- I get it.

I can't wait to try it myself.

Put that ciabatta on there.

Yeah.

Woo, there we go, huh?

Thank you, I
really appreciate--

I'm gonna eat this one too.

Are you serious?

While I'm eating
this sandwich,

why don't you take
this sandwich?

OK.
- OK?

I can't help myself.

You know what?

I'm gonna make one myself, OK?

There we go, OK?

Thank you so much.

Oh come on.

Help me.

Help me.

You know what?
I'm leaving.

This has been a waste of time.

Wait, wait, don't go anywhere.

I figured it out.

I'm gonna make you a sandwich
I'm not so good at making.

What?

I'm gonna make
you a bad sandwich.

Don't do that.

That's the key--

make it bad.

I'm gonna put moldy
cheese, disgusting salami--

Ew.

all on stale bread.

That's the bread.

Ew, yucky.

You think I'm gonna
have this sandwich?

It's for you.
- No.

'Cause I'm not gonna eat it.

OK, then put it down.

No, stop, don't.

I-- I wanna eat it

No, don't do it.

I know it's bad.

Yeah.

Oh jeez.

Help.
No.

Help me.

Help me.
- Good luck.

Don't leave me here.

Don't leave me here.

Do something!

Hey, guys, welcome
to "Never Seen It."

This is a show where we
talk about a popular movie

we've never seen and try
and guess what it's about.

I'm here with Joanna,
Nyasha, and Matt,

and today we're
talking about "Frozen."

Let it go.

Let it go.

What do you know about
the movie "Frozen?"

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go, I think, has
to do with the freezing.

I think the let it go
lyric means, let it go.

Freeze it.

There's someone named Elsa.

Maybe she's the one who's
frozen and trying to let it go.

That's all it is.

What kind of place
do they live in?

What is--

I don't know if it's
specifically Antarctica.

I feel like it's going
on in an ice world.

It's like an ice world.
Ice world.

Yeah.

Right, like in "Mario
Brothers" when you drop

down to, like, .

One of the leads
has magical powers.

What are her powers?

Freezing.

She's like Mr. Freeze.

She's like the
female Mr. Freeze.

Mr. Freeze is a
superhero, right?

Very nice.

One of them has
to be a princess.

Every Disney movie
has a princess.

So she's the frozen ice queen.

Stay away!

There's some other main
characters in this movie.

There's a funny animal.

Do you know what kind of animal?

Penguin.

I was picturing an
animal, but I couldn't

think of what it's called.

What-- do you
want to describe it?

Yes, I do.
It's short.

It has, like, a beak and like,
little arms that go next to it.

Is that a penguin?

Yeah, no.

I didn't get your carrots.

I feel like this
animal, if he's funny,

if I was writing this
movie and I put him

in a slippery cold place, I
would make him slip on the ice

all the time.

Probably the whole movie,
he's just going, whoa!

Whoa!

That's going to
be an, oh yeah, for Bradley.

Let's see the replay.

Whoa!

Do you know what kind
of inanimate object

would come to life and be played
by Josh Gad, who America loves?

First of all, who is Josh Gad?

You don't know Josh Gad?

I'm not losing Craig.

America's favorite-- Did
you see "Book of Mormon?"

He's so annoying.

Do you watch the
show "1600 Penn?"

1600 Penn is the address
of the White House.

My first instinct was snowman
because Frosty came to life one

day.

Hi, I'm Olaf.

Let's talk about "Let
It Go" for a minute.

Parents everywhere
hate this song.

Can you sing it?

Do you know how it goes?

In the beginning of this movie,
there is an important piece

of clothing that Elsa wears.

I think it's a necklace
with, like, a half object,

and she's looking
for the other half.

Gotcha, like a best friend's
forever sort of necklace.

Yeah, like something
you get at the Gap.

Right.

How much does the Gap
factor into this movie?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Fall into the Gap.

OK, at the end of this
movie, something saves the day.

What do you think it is?

Friendship.

All right, guys, I've
tallied up the tallies.

You lost.

It's freaking freezing
in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

All details, places, and
things were for the most part

pretty rough, so do you guys
think you'll see this movie?

Definitely not.

Definitely not?

I might just read
about it on Wikipedia.

I feel like it may be on at
some point, and I'll see it.

OK, But you won't
choose to watch it?

Probably not.
All right.

There are a lot of
other movies out there.

I'm gonna let it go.

Ben's videos
get so many views.

What can I say?

I get people.

Hey, Ben.

What's up, dude?

Oh, how'd the
date go last night?

OK, three dates and no kiss.

It's like we're friends
who go to exclusively

candlelit restaurants.
- I don't know.

Three dates, no kiss.

It sounds like you
avoided getting murdered.

He even walked me to my door.

It was the perfect opportunity.

No, it's not.

You don't kiss at
the end of the date.

You can kiss at the
end of a location.

Like, that way, If
the kiss goes bad,

both people can go
their separate ways.

Everybody keeps their dignity.

You finish having
drinks, you kiss.

You're looking out at
the water, you kiss.

Right, like second
bar, you kiss.

Uberpool, you kiss.

Your place, you kiss.

The next morning, you kiss.

I like to kiss right at
the top of the date, just

grab the guy, freaking do it.

And then I know, hmm,
should I stay on this date,

or should I go home?

How many times have
you called it off?

Every single time.

You are the most
confident virgin I know.

Thank you.

You know, maybe your
fine young murderer here,

maybe he just got
nervous, you know?

It's a lot of pressure the
first time two people mash

faces together.

Who kisses who?

How much tongue do you use?

Is he just using
me for my boat?

How come I only get
kissed on bad dates?

You're letting the
bad dates kiss you?

To avoid the awkwardness
of rejecting them?

Yeah.

That's a thing?

That is 100% a thing.

.

You're a strong,
independent woman.

Why don't you kiss him?

You don't think I tried?

I did the kiss face,
like, five times.

He didn't do it back.

Oh were you, like, talking,
and all of a sudden, both faces

just get like, serious, yeah?
- Serious.

Like, oh, I heard
the news are bad.

There are bad, yeah, because
it's like-- it's good that--

So it's like an animal--

it's like an animal jail.

Why are you raising the vibe?

No, we just had great
conversation all night.

It sucked.

Guys, I need a good kiss.

The last time a guy
kissed me, he pulled

his lips in when he did it.

I know a guy who
actually kisses down.

One time I had a girl almost
kissed me for over an hour.

She just kept like missing.

I hear that's the new edging.

What's the old edging?

Google it.

Hey, Ben, I got those
analytics for you.

Oh thanks, man.

Oh come on!

Bobby, Bobby, so good
to have you in here.

Happy to be here.

We've got a fun little
Christmas script for you,

don't we?

"A Christmas Story--" you know,
I really like that, the title,

I mean.

Then you got two
little boys, a loving

family, no Black people.

This could be a big hit
during the holidays.

All right, very good.

We have a few little
tweaks we'd like to make,

but this script is so
close, I can taste it.

It's like Peppercorn stuck
in my molars from lunch.

So we open on a snow-covered
suburban street in Indiana.

We get to meet
Ralphie who's so cute,

but then in Ralphie's head is
this dirty old man's voice?

Yeah, I don't know if
making our main character

a psychopath with scary
voices in his head

is right for this kind of movie.

The voice isn't in his head.

That's the older Ralphie
looking back on this Christmas.

Oh OK, so this old man is
obsessed with the Christmas

from when he was nine years old?

That's a little sad, pathetic,
and stupid, isn't it?

I guess the movie could
work maybe without it.

You know, even without
the creepy old man voice,

Ralphie's very unstable
and dangerous, perhaps

even a psychopath.

I'm not sure I
see it that way.

Ralphie is bullied at school.

His mentally challenged
brother takes up

all of his parent's attention.

He has an abusive
relationship with this family

who make him eat soap.

On page 18, he pummels another
child until the child's nose is

bloody, and then he
has to be restrained

by an adult, the whole
time screaming curse words.

I actually think of
Ralphie as a good kid.

Good god, what?

He's the worst person ever.

He's like a-- a baby Hitler.

He is not happy until
he's given what he wants.

I am genuinely
surprised that this movie

doesn't end in an assassination
of our dear Ronald Reagan.

You know, come to think of
it, everyone in this family

is a piece of crap.

You got some father
who's obsessed

with a weird perverted leg lady?

Randy, the little
brother, is a tiny turd

who eats like a disgusting pig.
You know what I do?

I eat in private with a
handkerchief over my face

because I'm respectful.

Ralphie is annoying enough.

We need the brother to be older
and cooler so that Ralphie

has someone to look up to.

"Cool Kid Christmas,"
that's a movie.

Yes, Santa's got a
new list this year.

Who's been naughty?

Who's been nice?

And who's been cool?

We have a Santa.

He's wearing a svelte red
suit, really tight-fitting.

He's got some cool sunglasses
on and some white stubble.

He's got very
brown, tanned skin,

but with the white prickles.

We can get the Pointer Sisters
to do all the music, huh?

They're great.

My 11 sons listen to them.

It's not really the
tone I'm going for.

OK, Mr. Tone Deaf, because
with the tone you're using,

the, uh, beginning, middle,
and end of the script

are all excruciatingly
miserable.

Come on, boo-boo.

This is supposed to
be a Christmas movie.

I'm dreaming of things
not like this dirty, nasty mall

Santa on page 54.

Oh god, I hate that
that part turns me on,

and it's a sexual nightmare
I can't escape from.

I'm the star.

I'm not making
these stories up.

This is how life really
is around the holidays.

People go to movies
to escape reality.

They sit in big fat
chairs and eat corn

watching other people do stuff.

That's the opposite of reality.

All right, I don't
think I could do this.

Hey, wait, wait,
wait, could you

imagine a family
actually going to see

this movie for Christmas?

Hey, honey, let's get the
family together to watch

another family be miserable.

OK, you don't know what
people want, and we do.

People want a sexy young Santa
in forest green bikini briefs.

Although, admittedly,
I did really enjoy those,

uh, funny Chinamen at the end.

Oh yeah, it was funny because
they weren't acting like us.

I like that, yeah.

Well, let's just remake
"A Christmas Carol"

but with dinosaurs.

Done.

I'm not playing here.

Watch this.

Get out the way.

Yo, guys, I decided
something today.

I'm gonna go off
my birth control.

Oh yeah, shit, man.

That's a big decision, man.

Yeah, I-- I know,
but I just hate the way

these things make me feel.

Yeah, honestly, I can relate.

- It's not natural.
- It's not.

It's not.

Dude, my doctor's always
pushing it on me saying,

hey, this is the only way you
can have safe, responsible sex.

That's-- dude, it's
like slut shaming.

It's disgusting.

I'm trying to say,
like, are they safe?

They're not.

What?

They're full of
spermicide, AKA sperm poison.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a
good point, Josh.

Your doctor doesn't give
a shit about your health.

He's in with Big Condom.

Yeah, dude.

That sucks but you're right.

Honestly, they're
so expensive.

Yes, so every time that I
have sex, I have to spend,

what, $0.50, $0.75?

It's insane.

So much money, dude.

Or if I could find one of
those free bowls of condoms,

but who am I, Tony
Shalhoub in "Monk?"

I'm not.

Like, God forbid the
insurance is gonna cover it.

- Right, right.
- You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, never.

So I have to use a new
one every time I had sex?

I wonder why they're
designed that way.

Ooh, I wonder who might
want you to do that.

Big Condom.

They put the condoms
behind the counter so

like, I gotta humiliate myself
every time I wanna enjoy sex.

Try not enjoying sex.

Oh!

Because it actually
doesn't feel good.

Dude, it's like having a
weird rubber man grab hold--

That's how it feels.

And after everything,
I have to remember

to put it on every time?

.

I mean, are you kidding me?

I got a life.
- I got this app.

Condom Tracker.

Yeah, dude, it's amazing.

It's incredible.

Like, boom.

Oh wow, that's brilliant.

Yeah, but like, I still
forget to put it on, like,

all the time.

But honestly, can I
be real for a second?

She's like--
- Please be real.

She's, like, kind of sad.

bitch,
get out the way.

Yo, Dennis.
- Yeah?

What are you and Katie
gonna do now that you're

not taking birth control?

Oh, she had her
cervix chemically frozen

and forcibly dilated so
that she could get a copper

IUD implanted, which
was crazy painful,

and then she had something
that looked like coffee grounds

oozing out of her vagina
for, like, a week.

But that's over with now.

We're good.

Oh yeah, no babies,
no babies, no babies.

Are other people
coming tonight?

No.