Original subtitles

That was, uh--

that was crazy.

Totally insane.

A lot of blood.

Just lots, lots of blood.

You-- you hit nails through the guy's hands.

Yeah.

And then you hit nails through the guy's feet.

OK.

I can't even look at you.

Hey, I'm not the one who cut the guy's

chest after he already died.

I got a little carried away.

Hey, we-- we all did, so--

All right, guys, let's be professional.

God might have another son someday,

and we might have to crucify him too.

Right, yeah.

So we should talk about the positives, all right?

What went right, what went wrong,

what we could do better for next time.

Yeah.

So let's start with the positives, OK?

What worked?

Well, we killed Jesus.

There we go.

That's true

No one can say that we didn't kill Jesus.

Exactly, we set out to kill Jesus, and we killed Jesus.

Yeah!

All right, I'm gonna write these down, OK?

All right, good, all right, killed Jesus.

Other positives?

Ooh, uh, the crown of thorns worked.

It looked like it hurt.

It made his head real bloody.

I liked that-- Yeah

hard.

It stayed on him too, even when

he did that little head slouch thing, you know,

when he was dying.

Um, it didn't fall off.

Crown of thorns worked, and that is a credit for our crown

of thorn maker, Drusus.

Thank-- thank you, everybody.

I only use the best thorns.

Thank you.

Thank you, Drusus.

I test the thorns on my head, and I put it there,

and I go, .

That will be all, Drusus, thank you.

And then I put it there, and I go, ...

OK, OK--

And then I take-- and I take the thorn--

Let's get him out of here.

and I put it on my teeth.

OK, get him out of here. Drusus, come on.

OK.

All right.

Thank you, everybody.

You're welcome.

OK, just head back to your cubicle.

Thank you.

No, Drusus, the door.

The door, Drusus.

That's not--

No, that's a wall.

Thank you.

Head on.

There we go.

Did you guys know he dates Debra?

Hello, hello, let's get back with some other things

that we liked.

Let's get those out there.

I really liked spitting on Jesus Christ.

Oh, I saw that.

That was great.

Good job sitting.

Thank you.

I was a little afraid it got overshadowed by hammering

a man to wood, so--

No, no way, no way, it's all buildup.

You can't start with hammering a guy to wood.

You split-- that was-- that was--

it was so good.

More positives, more positives.

Can I say something about the crucifixion?

Oh god, here we go.

We just had to schedule the meeting three days after.

So overall, I didn't like it.

The crucifixion?

No, walking on water.

Yeah, the crucifixion.

Hey, no need to be a little stinker, Jesus.

Yeah, Jesus, don't be a little stinker.

He's right.

You're being a little stinker.

No one likes a little stinker.

Jesus, don't be a little stinker.

You guys are right.

I'm just being a little stinker right now.

But I didn't like getting nailed to the cross.

Well, you're just a little bit biased.

That's true, but I think it's important for you

all to know that when you die, you're

all going straight to hell.

And I'm going to meet you down there,

and I'm going to turn myself into fire,

and jump inside your mouths, and liquefy your insides.

After that, I'm going to see to it that you're always shitting

blood every second of everyday you're in hell,

which is all of eternity.

While you're shitting blood and your insides are on fire,

I'm gonna force you all to watch "Mama's Family."

Oh my god.

There's six seasons, 130 episodes of "Mama's Family."

You're gonna watch it on a loop.

And if you turn your head away from the television,

another television is going to appear in your sightline

and pick up the episode of mama's family right

where it left off when you turned your head.

And lastly, you're all going to be giving birth

all the time from your mouths.

So that's that.

You little stinker.

I just want to say one thing.

Never mind.

All right, I'm gonna say it.

My ass is killing me in this car.

This is gonna be a very

sexy episode of "Love Ride."

Hey, Russ, Russ.

Mame?

Oh my gosh, I am so excited.

Really, it's Mame?

- Yes, it's a nickname. - A Broadway show of Mame?

What's your real name? - Melanie.

Melanie. - Don't call me that.

People call you-- don't call you Melanie.

No, Mame, call me Mame.

So we just met.

Already, you got a lot of rules here.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Tell me how you met.

I own a cigar shop.

Russ and I went to high school together.

You know, he's actually younger than me.

Go ahead, Mame.

So he walked into the smoke shop,

and we just, like, kind of hit it off.

But you sell other tobacco products,

obviously, like pipes?

Yeah, mostly just cigars.

What do you think about Obama opening up the door to Cuba?

What do you think about the opening up the Cuban embargo?

I think it's gonna be a while.

You know, by opening up relations with them,

it's kind of a slap in the face to, like, Cuban--

Huge market for a-- a bogus Cuban product.

We're gonna get Cuban cigars.

Like, everybody walked--

What is it about communism that leads to a great cigar?

Went and got them in, ran so many people

out of their country.

So many issues, slavery, even.

I sell a lot of of boutique stuff.

So some of my best sellers are 724 cigars--

We need to show this Western style.

We just happen to be making these cigars right.

Now, let me ask you this just because we keep smoking--

talking about smoking.

And you met him and what happened?

Why are you together?

You know, I just walked in her shop.

It's like, wow. - He was like, hey, that's Mame.

She kept asking me out, and finally, I said, yes.

Oh shut up!

You were like, get off me!

I don't beg for anything.

I'm sure.

She, uh-- was like--

A Hitchcock blonde like you?

You're in control.

Didn't beg you, come on.

So you're attracted to each other.

Are you in love?

- Yes. - Absolutely.

You had jobs.

You had responsibilities.

You got kids.

- Baggage, all that stuff. - A lot of baggage--

Do you have a pass?

which is why we don't live together.

Do you like living the way you are alone?

Honestly, I live with my mother.

We share a house.

Do you want to live together one day?

We do.

I live at home.

I stay with my mother.

You live with your mother? I do.

And you live with your mother? Yeah.

I'm gonna slap the shit out of the two of you.

What's it like to have sex when your mothers in the other room

vacuuming?

Sucks.

It doesn't happen.

I have an assistant here who is

from the Institute in Geneva, the Lavrov Institute.

He's gonna come and join us any minute now.

Here he is, everyone, Professor Friedlander

from down at the institute.

Hey guys, I was, uh--

I was in the trunk, so it was a little--

I was able to hear a few things.

Oh my gosh.

So you guys are-- you guys are not married.

And they're living with their parents.

- That's so cool. - We're so stupid.

You have two people.

They're trying to have sex in the basement,

and they turn up a-- you know, a game show.

I turn up the TV.

Oh yeah.

That keeps you alive.

Have you mastered the art of quiet sex?

Oh yeah.

You have really good sex?

- Are you kidding me? - Yeah.

You do? - We're good at it.

You're like, right there, right there, right there.

Oh you got it--

Yeah, it's like right there.

Does it get hard to concentrate

when it cuts to the commercial and the volume goes

up even louder?

Chevrolet presents-- whoa, mommy wakes up.

Wonder we've had a lot of sex at 30 Rock, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You were in perfect-- - I could see you.

We'd be doing the TV, and I could see you through the TV.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I see your mother passed out with the wine.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Good luck to you.

Good luck with your business, whatever it is.

Hi, there. - Oh, hello, ma'am.

How can I help you?

Could I get the Italian combo, please.

Absolutely, ooh, I'm gonna make

you a delicious sandwich today, the best

sandwich you ever tasted.

It's got a little bit of everything on it.

It's got ,, a little bit of Swiss cheese,

put a little bit of lettuce, all on ciabatta bread.

Oh, my favorite.

The best bread, right?

Sounds great.

There she is.

Beautiful.

Oh, look at that beautiful sandwich, huh?

OK, sorry--

Delicious.

Thank you, I'll just--

I'm gonna eat this one.

What?

Oh my god, I'm sorry.

You just ate the--

I had to do it.

I had to eat it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. - OK.

Let me make you another sandwich.

OK.

Let me tell you a little bit about our ingredients.

Uh-huh.

We import all our meats and cheeses from the old country.

That's why they're so fresh.

That's why the sandwich tastes so good.

I really-- I get it.

I can't wait to try it myself.

Put that ciabatta on there.

Yeah.

Woo, there we go, huh?

Thank you, I really appreciate--

I'm gonna eat this one too.

Are you serious?

While I'm eating this sandwich,

why don't you take this sandwich?

OK. - OK?

I can't help myself.

You know what?

I'm gonna make one myself, OK?

There we go, OK?

Thank you so much.

Oh come on.

Help me.

Help me.

You know what? I'm leaving.

This has been a waste of time.

Wait, wait, don't go anywhere.

I figured it out.

I'm gonna make you a sandwich I'm not so good at making.

What?

I'm gonna make you a bad sandwich.

Don't do that.

That's the key--

make it bad.

I'm gonna put moldy cheese, disgusting salami--

Ew.

all on stale bread.

That's the bread.

Ew, yucky.

You think I'm gonna have this sandwich?

It's for you. - No.

'Cause I'm not gonna eat it.

OK, then put it down.

No, stop, don't.

I-- I wanna eat it

No, don't do it.

I know it's bad.

Yeah.

Oh jeez.

Help. No.

Help me.

Help me. - Good luck.

Don't leave me here.

Don't leave me here.

Do something!

Hey, guys, welcome to "Never Seen It."

This is a show where we talk about a popular movie

we've never seen and try and guess what it's about.

I'm here with Joanna, Nyasha, and Matt,

and today we're talking about "Frozen."

Let it go.

Let it go.

What do you know about the movie "Frozen?"

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go, I think, has to do with the freezing.

I think the let it go lyric means, let it go.

Freeze it.

There's someone named Elsa.

Maybe she's the one who's frozen and trying to let it go.

That's all it is.

What kind of place do they live in?

What is--

I don't know if it's specifically Antarctica.

I feel like it's going on in an ice world.

It's like an ice world. Ice world.

Yeah.

Right, like in "Mario Brothers" when you drop

down to, like, .

One of the leads has magical powers.

What are her powers?

Freezing.

She's like Mr. Freeze.

She's like the female Mr. Freeze.

Mr. Freeze is a superhero, right?

Very nice.

One of them has to be a princess.

Every Disney movie has a princess.

So she's the frozen ice queen.

Stay away!

There's some other main characters in this movie.

There's a funny animal.

Do you know what kind of animal?

Penguin.

I was picturing an animal, but I couldn't

think of what it's called.

What-- do you want to describe it?

Yes, I do. It's short.

It has, like, a beak and like, little arms that go next to it.

Is that a penguin?

Yeah, no.

I didn't get your carrots.

I feel like this animal, if he's funny,

if I was writing this movie and I put him

in a slippery cold place, I would make him slip on the ice

all the time.

Probably the whole movie, he's just going, whoa!

Whoa!

That's going to be an, oh yeah, for Bradley.

Let's see the replay.

Whoa!

Do you know what kind of inanimate object

would come to life and be played by Josh Gad, who America loves?

First of all, who is Josh Gad?

You don't know Josh Gad?

I'm not losing Craig.

America's favorite-- Did you see "Book of Mormon?"

He's so annoying.

Do you watch the show "1600 Penn?"

1600 Penn is the address of the White House.

My first instinct was snowman because Frosty came to life one

day.

Hi, I'm Olaf.

Let's talk about "Let It Go" for a minute.

Parents everywhere hate this song.

Can you sing it?

Do you know how it goes?

In the beginning of this movie, there is an important piece

of clothing that Elsa wears.

I think it's a necklace with, like, a half object,

and she's looking for the other half.

Gotcha, like a best friend's forever sort of necklace.

Yeah, like something you get at the Gap.

Right.

How much does the Gap factor into this movie?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Fall into the Gap.

OK, at the end of this movie, something saves the day.

What do you think it is?

Friendship.

All right, guys, I've tallied up the tallies.

You lost.

It's freaking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

All details, places, and things were for the most part

pretty rough, so do you guys think you'll see this movie?

Definitely not.

Definitely not?

I might just read about it on Wikipedia.

I feel like it may be on at some point, and I'll see it.

OK, But you won't choose to watch it?

Probably not. All right.

There are a lot of other movies out there.

I'm gonna let it go.

Ben's videos get so many views.

What can I say?

I get people.

Hey, Ben.

What's up, dude?

Oh, how'd the date go last night?

OK, three dates and no kiss.

It's like we're friends who go to exclusively

candlelit restaurants. - I don't know.

Three dates, no kiss.

It sounds like you avoided getting murdered.

He even walked me to my door.

It was the perfect opportunity.

No, it's not.

You don't kiss at the end of the date.

You can kiss at the end of a location.

Like, that way, If the kiss goes bad,

both people can go their separate ways.

Everybody keeps their dignity.

You finish having drinks, you kiss.

You're looking out at the water, you kiss.

Right, like second bar, you kiss.

Uberpool, you kiss.

Your place, you kiss.

The next morning, you kiss.

I like to kiss right at the top of the date, just

grab the guy, freaking do it.

And then I know, hmm, should I stay on this date,

or should I go home?

How many times have you called it off?

Every single time.

You are the most confident virgin I know.

Thank you.

You know, maybe your fine young murderer here,

maybe he just got nervous, you know?

It's a lot of pressure the first time two people mash

faces together.

Who kisses who?

How much tongue do you use?

Is he just using me for my boat?

How come I only get kissed on bad dates?

You're letting the bad dates kiss you?

To avoid the awkwardness of rejecting them?

Yeah.

That's a thing?

That is 100% a thing.

.

You're a strong, independent woman.

Why don't you kiss him?

You don't think I tried?

I did the kiss face, like, five times.

He didn't do it back.

Oh were you, like, talking, and all of a sudden, both faces

just get like, serious, yeah? - Serious.

Like, oh, I heard the news are bad.

There are bad, yeah, because it's like-- it's good that--

So it's like an animal--

it's like an animal jail.

Why are you raising the vibe?

No, we just had great conversation all night.

It sucked.

Guys, I need a good kiss.

The last time a guy kissed me, he pulled

his lips in when he did it.

I know a guy who actually kisses down.

One time I had a girl almost kissed me for over an hour.

She just kept like missing.

I hear that's the new edging.

What's the old edging?

Google it.

Hey, Ben, I got those analytics for you.

Oh thanks, man.

Oh come on!

Bobby, Bobby, so good to have you in here.

Happy to be here.

We've got a fun little Christmas script for you,

don't we?

"A Christmas Story--" you know, I really like that, the title,

I mean.

Then you got two little boys, a loving

family, no Black people.

This could be a big hit during the holidays.

All right, very good.

We have a few little tweaks we'd like to make,

but this script is so close, I can taste it.

It's like Peppercorn stuck in my molars from lunch.

So we open on a snow-covered suburban street in Indiana.

We get to meet Ralphie who's so cute,

but then in Ralphie's head is this dirty old man's voice?

Yeah, I don't know if making our main character

a psychopath with scary voices in his head

is right for this kind of movie.

The voice isn't in his head.

That's the older Ralphie looking back on this Christmas.

Oh OK, so this old man is obsessed with the Christmas

from when he was nine years old?

That's a little sad, pathetic, and stupid, isn't it?

I guess the movie could work maybe without it.

You know, even without the creepy old man voice,

Ralphie's very unstable and dangerous, perhaps

even a psychopath.

I'm not sure I see it that way.

Ralphie is bullied at school.

His mentally challenged brother takes up

all of his parent's attention.

He has an abusive relationship with this family

who make him eat soap.

On page 18, he pummels another child until the child's nose is

bloody, and then he has to be restrained

by an adult, the whole time screaming curse words.

I actually think of Ralphie as a good kid.

Good god, what?

He's the worst person ever.

He's like a-- a baby Hitler.

He is not happy until he's given what he wants.

I am genuinely surprised that this movie

doesn't end in an assassination of our dear Ronald Reagan.

You know, come to think of it, everyone in this family

is a piece of crap.

You got some father who's obsessed

with a weird perverted leg lady?

Randy, the little brother, is a tiny turd

who eats like a disgusting pig. You know what I do?

I eat in private with a handkerchief over my face

because I'm respectful.

Ralphie is annoying enough.

We need the brother to be older and cooler so that Ralphie

has someone to look up to.

"Cool Kid Christmas," that's a movie.

Yes, Santa's got a new list this year.

Who's been naughty?

Who's been nice?

And who's been cool?

We have a Santa.

He's wearing a svelte red suit, really tight-fitting.

He's got some cool sunglasses on and some white stubble.

He's got very brown, tanned skin,

but with the white prickles.

We can get the Pointer Sisters to do all the music, huh?

They're great.

My 11 sons listen to them.

It's not really the tone I'm going for.

OK, Mr. Tone Deaf, because with the tone you're using,

the, uh, beginning, middle, and end of the script

are all excruciatingly miserable.

Come on, boo-boo.

This is supposed to be a Christmas movie.

I'm dreaming of things not like this dirty, nasty mall

Santa on page 54.

Oh god, I hate that that part turns me on,

and it's a sexual nightmare I can't escape from.

I'm the star.

I'm not making these stories up.

This is how life really is around the holidays.

People go to movies to escape reality.

They sit in big fat chairs and eat corn

watching other people do stuff.

That's the opposite of reality.

All right, I don't think I could do this.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, could you

imagine a family actually going to see

this movie for Christmas?

Hey, honey, let's get the family together to watch

another family be miserable.

OK, you don't know what people want, and we do.

People want a sexy young Santa in forest green bikini briefs.

Although, admittedly, I did really enjoy those,

uh, funny Chinamen at the end.

Oh yeah, it was funny because they weren't acting like us.

I like that, yeah.

Well, let's just remake "A Christmas Carol"

but with dinosaurs.

Done.

I'm not playing here.

Watch this.

Get out the way.

Yo, guys, I decided something today.

I'm gonna go off my birth control.

Oh yeah, shit, man.

That's a big decision, man.

Yeah, I-- I know, but I just hate the way

these things make me feel.

Yeah, honestly, I can relate.

- It's not natural. - It's not.

It's not.

Dude, my doctor's always pushing it on me saying,

hey, this is the only way you can have safe, responsible sex.

That's-- dude, it's like slut shaming.

It's disgusting.

I'm trying to say, like, are they safe?

They're not.

What?

They're full of spermicide, AKA sperm poison.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a good point, Josh.

Your doctor doesn't give a shit about your health.

He's in with Big Condom.

Yeah, dude.

That sucks but you're right.

Honestly, they're so expensive.

Yes, so every time that I have sex, I have to spend,

what, $0.50, $0.75?

It's insane.

So much money, dude.

Or if I could find one of those free bowls of condoms,

but who am I, Tony Shalhoub in "Monk?"

I'm not.

Like, God forbid the insurance is gonna cover it.

- Right, right. - You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, never.

So I have to use a new one every time I had sex?

I wonder why they're designed that way.

Ooh, I wonder who might want you to do that.

Big Condom.

They put the condoms behind the counter so

like, I gotta humiliate myself every time I wanna enjoy sex.

Try not enjoying sex.

Oh!

Because it actually doesn't feel good.

Dude, it's like having a weird rubber man grab hold--

That's how it feels.

And after everything, I have to remember

to put it on every time?

.

I mean, are you kidding me?

I got a life. - I got this app.

Condom Tracker.

Yeah, dude, it's amazing.

It's incredible.

Like, boom.

Oh wow, that's brilliant.

Yeah, but like, I still forget to put it on, like,

all the time.

But honestly, can I be real for a second?

She's like-- - Please be real.

She's, like, kind of sad.

bitch, get out the way.

Yo, Dennis. - Yeah?

What are you and Katie gonna do now that you're

not taking birth control?

Oh, she had her cervix chemically frozen

and forcibly dilated so that she could get a copper

IUD implanted, which was crazy painful,

and then she had something that looked like coffee grounds

oozing out of her vagina for, like, a week.

But that's over with now.

We're good.

Oh yeah, no babies, no babies, no babies.

Are other people coming tonight?

No.