All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E14.We.Only.Needed.One.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Pittsburgh, the city
of brotherly love.

No, wait.

Ladies in first.

Please come in.
Are you J?

I am.

J, Alec Baldwin.

How are you?

Holy smacks is
the direct quote.

This is crazy.

It is crazy, isn't it?

Yeah.

You're a therapist, right?

I am a therapist.

I'm a therapist.

I help people get down
underneath the-- you

know what I'm saying.

Yes.
I get it.

What kind of work you do?

I'm a coal sampler.

I play with coal.

You are a quality
control guy for coal?

Correct.

How did you get a job in 1955?

How'd you meet?

Well, I was a mechanic
before this and--

What
kind of mechanic?

- Car mechanic.
- You worked on her car?

Yep.

And what happened?

Well, his pickup line was,
hey, it looks like we need

some new windshield wipers.

And you said actually,
I need my muffler checked.

How about I rotate your
tires while I'm at it?

It says here there's
no commitment and no sex.

How's the romance department?

Oh.

Well, it's touch and go.

A little less touch,
a little more go?

Yeah.

Yeah, not so much touch.

- Not so much touch.
- A lot of go.

There's a lot
of-- little tension.

I got to go.

Pretty much.

I mean, I try to--

And he goes.

You try to touch and he goes?

Yep.

What's going on with that man?

I don't know.

She's uh-- I work long days.

So, sometimes I'm
tired and she's tired.

She goes to sleep,
I go to sleep.

I'm never tired.

You're never tired.

Pittsburgh, a city that's
too tired to ...

Who initiates sex
in this relationship?

Never you?

Uh, sometimes.

Yeah.

Maybe once or twice.

Would you say that in
past relationships,

you were very sexual person
or in general you're not.

As far as like in the
beginning, it's great.

And then what happens?

And it kind of
just like burns off.

You had a hot sex
life for how long?

Well, probably
like a couple months.

Do you just jerk
off to those memories

of the first sex times?

What do you?

Do you just masturbate
to the memories

of those first two months or--

No, he didn't even
do that very often.

Didn't even do
that very often.

Jesus.

She's stressed out.

Look at her.

She's rubbing her thighs.

I mean, I don't
know what else to do.

This is depressing.

Do you want to hold her
hostage in this relationship,

in a sexless
relationship or do you

really think there's a chance
you could make things better?

Would you like to
make things better?

Oh, yeah.
I like to make things better.

Not to be insensitive,
have you ever tried Viagra?

Have you ever taken Viagra?

No.

Take it.

Would you be
willing to try it?

Sure.

Does she ever just
start sex right on him

and just start initiating it?

Do you ever just jump on him?

- I try to.
- You do?

And what happens?

I get pushed off.

You get pushed off?

Like football
tackle pushed off.

He flings you on the floor?

He'll throw me on--

Throws you to the floor?

Yeah.

Once.

What?

What are you getting
out of it though?

Seriously.

Are you happy?

I am happy.

You are?

She makes me happy.

What would you like
to see him change?

Forget about the sex part.

Will you just name it?

Communication.

Communication.

Yeah, my communication sucks.

Yeah, that's what I
hear a lot of, nothing.

OK.

I know you.

You know what you are?

You're fucking exhausted.

You're working
and you're working

and your work-- and
you're not living.

And that's not right.

God did not put us on
this Earth to work.

We work to live.

We work to enjoy ourselves.

You need to take better
care of yourself.

I do.

You need to take
better care of yourself

so you can take
better care of her.

You know what you
got to do right?

Yes, I do.

And you?

Call me.

I will.

Oh no.

I remember I opened the
door and it was all just red

everywhere.

I just wish we had never gotten
them involved in any of this.

If we had been more careful
then they would still--

I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you
through the thin white walls.

All right.

That's Mr. Washy and that's Mrs.
Dribbles sitting on top of him.

Wait, if they're
married, why don't

they have the same last name?

Because she's a feminist.

I remember that first day.

It was so wild.

I still smile when
I think about it.

Laundry, laundry,
laundry, laundry.

I've never done so
many loads in one day.

I mean, it was nuts.

And when you're not used
to that kind of lifestyle

and yeah, it sucks you in.

I was doing loads
Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays.

White loads, dark loads.

I was wearing three, four, or
five pairs of underwear, a day.

You know at first, it was just
a casual thing with friends.

We came back from
playing kickball.

Guys came, they saw the rig.

They were just
like can we use it?

And I was like well, yeah,
but throw me a few bucks.

And Wow.

Anthony Kiedis did a load.

All my ex-boyfriend's loads.

Just hung out with
us naked for a while.

One time I did a load with
my parents in the next room.

Flea.

Pretty much all the
Red Hot Chili Peppers

came over and did loads.

That's how it started.

All of a sudden we
were living large.

We had our own
personal assistant.

We introduced a
baby into our crew.

I don't even know
whose baby it was.

We even got a therapy dog.

We were on top of the world.

Now, look at me.

I haven't worn clean
underwear in like three weeks.

I just feel bad for Stephanie.

It was hardest on her.

She's the one that found them.

People were just-- they were
doing too many loads, you know?

This guy that I
was dating, he like

stuffed his red comforter
in with all of my whites.

Mr. Washy had been
too overstuffed

and he just couldn't take it.

And then Mrs. Dribbles went too.

Yeah, like of a broken heart.

It was-- it was
out of control.

I don't even care
about the money.

I care about what happened to
Mr. Washy and Mrs. Dribbles.

But yeah, Eric owes
me at least $100.

I split the money we
made perfectly evenly.

Everybody got a taste.

Yeah, of course I'm pissed.

I mean, I have to walk six
blocks to a laundromat.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a laundromat
across the street.

But you'll have to ask
Eric why we can't use it.

Oh, that's bullshit.

The laundromat thing
was not my fault.

And Gus the owner, all right.

That guy's crazy.

He just couldn't
handle competition.

Gus left me a voicemail.

And God knows how
he got my number.

Hello, this is Gus
from the laundromat.

you.

I hope your mother has
Cow Disease in Florida.

Who do you think you are?

You're banded-- banded
from the laundromat.

This is Gus.

Give me a call back
when you get a chance.

I don't know what
he's even worried about.

Yeah, just one guy.

One guy with a lot of friends.

Some part of me used to
know how to plan ahead,

get quarters, bring a book.

But that part of me is gone now.

Gus.

Tell him that.

Don't tell him that.

Do not tell him that.

I'm just a regular
old bartender.

Totally not a retired
super thief in hiding.

That's not what
I heard O'Malley.

That's my old partner.

How did you find me?

I follow you on Instagram.

I'm putting together a crew.

How'd you like to
do one more job?

You know, I don't
do that anymore.

What if I ask again nicely?

I'm in.

Great.

Let's introduce you to the team.

This is Mainframe, the
best hacker in the biz.

I just need to
reboot the networks

command key firewall protocol.

Nailed it.

Wheels.

This guy literally doesn't
know what a red light means.

I don't know lots of things.

Beep beep.

Natalia Van Horn, the
sexiest woman in the world.

Oops, I dropped my lipstick.

Time to slowly pick it up.

Joey P., master
of safe cracking,

who is also Joey C.,
master of disguise.

Wait, so do we have
a safecracker or is

that just a disguise?

No time to explain.

Lady and gentlemen, this is the
United States Money Factory.

It's got the greatest security
system in the entire world.

There's literally not a single
weakness, except for one.

We've got a plan.

Listen close.

Here's how it's
going to go down.

Natalia will use
her seduction skills

to distract the security guard.

Hello, there.

But she's going to have
to do it disguised as a man

because the guard is super gay.

I broke my lipstick.

Once inside, Natalia will get
access to the security system

so Mainframe can
unlock the vault.

Unlock vault?

yes.

Joey C. will enter the
vault, which unfortunately

is protected by lasers.

But he'll get around them by
disguising himself as a laser.

I am a laser.

Oh, pardon us.

Right this way, sir.

Once he's through,
he'll turn off the fan.

So, Dixon can drop
down from the vents

and get our prize,
$40 gazillion.

Then Wheels will drive us back
here after some loop de loops.

And that's when I betray
you all and steal the money.

What money?

The money we just stole.

But we didn't do the job yet.

It was just an
explanation montage.

Oh well, forget
that last part then.

I don't think I can especially
because this entire time

I've been an undercover cop.

Oh yeah?

Well, this whole time I've
actually been a higher

ranking undercover cop.

Stop right there.

This whole time
I've actually been--

$40 bazillion.

So, we got the
money after all.

Yeah.

Crime always pays.

Who are you?

I'm JJ Abrams.

I was raised to do one
thing, fix movie franchises.

First, Star Trek.

And now, Star Wars.

Nothing will stand in my way.

I will revitalize the
franchises that you started.

The Pirates of the Caribbean,
tone down Johnny Depp.

Next, Indiana Jones, no aliens.

The Hobbit movies,
we only needed one.

I will not stop at
movie franchises.

I will rewrite the
finale of The Sopranos.

I will revive Google Glass
and make it not the worst.

I shall scope new stronger
arms for the Venus de Milo.

I'm going to fix sexism.

I'm going to fix racism.

Hey, just stick to movies.

Yeah, you're right.

Hollywood, JJ
is calling to you.

Just let him in.

What's up you guys?

I'm John Earley, celebrity
correspondent for Above

Average, coming at you live
in a clip that will be fully

edited and released later.

We're here backstage at the
legendary talk show, The View,

where SNL's Kate McKinnon
is about to go on.

Let's go talk to her.

Ow.

So, SNL, am I right?

Yes.

Yes.

Just in terms of sketches,
but also musical guests.

Mmhmm.

Mmhmm.

There are those.

Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

I'm great.

I'm actually-- I am so sorry
to interrupt, but I'm actually

about to go on for there.

We're affiliated with this
network so contractually you

actually have to
talk to me as part

of your promotional
obligations to the show,

obligations-- obligation.

Could we-- is there any way
we could do it after the--

Would you rather know
love or book a sitcom?

Um.

Would you rather know
love or book a sitcom?

Well--

Like would you
rather experience

love or be a series regular
on a multicam half hour?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I got it.

I think-- I think love.

Incorrect.

You guys pull pranks on each
other on the set of SNL?

Um, oh.

That's a fun question.

There's this one time that--

Sometimes, I'll pull pranks
on some of my closest friends

and we'll just crack up.

That's wild.

Would you fund my web
series or appear in it?

Um.

It's about four best friends
who live in either Brooklyn

or Manhattan but we haven't
just-- we haven't figured

that detail out yet.

It doesn't sound
like there's nec--

It's shot in HD.

It's like a Brooklyn
Summer, Brooklyn.

OK.

That feels right.

We're going to go with Brooklyn.

Fill in the blank.

While Charlotte was uptown
on a gallery opening,

Samantha was downtown--

It's Sex-- that's Sex--

Getting .

Sorry, I was just
thinking about an ex.

Again, if I could just--

Are we in a secret club?

I feel like it must literally
be starting right now.

Are we in a secret club?

Um no, no.

Are we friends in a club?

I'm going to leave the club.

What's the most crushing
part of losing your anonymity?

This--

Sorry Kate, we're
ready for you.

Thank you.
OK.

Thanks.
I'm so sorry.

I've got to go.

We have to get a picture.

We have to get a picture.

Do we?

Why?
- OK.

- Thank you.
- LYLAS.

Bye.

LYLAS.

Who is that?

It means, love
you like a sis--

All right guys, that
was my interview

with SNL starlet Kate McKinnon.

She's wild.

Don't forget to talk--

follow me on Twitter.

My username is the AOL dial
up sound, just spelled out.

Check me out.

Hello, Mmm Night Shyamalan.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Mmm?

What sort of absentee
druggie parents

name their child
a letter, right?

Well, that's not
really my name.

So you chose the name M?

That's even weirder.

I don't think I like you.

So, The Sixth Sense.

How spooky.

Spooky.

M, I'm going to
go ahead and say

that I think that this
script is probably fine.

I would give it a 5 out of 10.
- 4 out of 10.

2 out of 100.
I didn't know what we're doing.

OK.

You got a couple of decent
lead characters in here.

I love the creepy weird kid.

Children are
terrifying creatures.

Yeah, they're growing
bigger every day.

There's teeth falling
out of their faces.

Kids are disgusting.

But the movie
doesn't really get

going until page 107,
the last page, when

we find out that
the lead character's

been dead the whole time.

But then, Mr. Mmm-mmm
Head just ends the movie.

He's been dead the whole time.

He didn't even mention it?

That is a huge oversight.

We need to know he's dead
at the very beginning

so we can understand
what's happening, duh?

Oh, that's actually
done on purpose.

It's a surprise ending.

Movies don't have
surprise endings.

Movies have happy endings.

But if you rewatch
the film, you

get a whole new perspective.
- Rewatch?

OK, buddy.

No one is going to rewatch
your movie if you make them

feel like idiots at the end.

This is a gypsy movie.

You fool the paying public just
for some stupid little trick

at the end.

You're a gypsy.

I am not a gypsy.

Well, you write a
movie like a gypsy would.

I don't see it that way but
I could reconsider the ending.

Just let us know that the guy
is dead at the top so that way,

we can get to the real
fun stuff, the afterlife.

You see, for me, that's the
real meat, the real cajones--

a gypsy word-- of the movie.

All you have him doing is
fixing one kid's problem.

I've got to say, that's lazy.

What kind of a ghost
psychologist is he?

I thought that
was enough for him

to make up his mistake
with his previous patient.

Oh my God.

There's the gypsy again.

I did one thing.

That's enough for the day.

Half of the movie
is him just speaking

into a dumb little
voice recorder

and moping around
in the basement

being all sad about
his little ghost life.

He's a lazy ghost.

There's so much potential
here for some cool ghost powers

but you keep it a secret.

Listen, if I was a ghost, I'd be
hanging out in a girls' locker

room after a softball
game just checking it

out trying to squeeze
some of those bingos.

That's so much better already.

See how aroused I am?

The Sexy Sense.

It's like Porky's except
with a ghost psychologist.

Sexy.

I don't really see
this film as a sex romp.

Well, I would take a
good old fashioned sex

romp over your gypsy
trick of a movie any day.

I don't appreciate
being called a gypsy.

And I'm going to look
at my options elsewhere.

OK, hey, hey, hey.
Look, we'll compromise.

We'll make a little gypsy
deal with you, all right?

Just change the
name of the movie

from whatever it is,
The Sucky Sense to He's

Dead The Whole Time.

If-- If it had that title,
then I would go see it.

Well, I don't know if I
would but you get the point.

- Thank you for your time.
- Yeah, that's right.

Just walk away without
saying anything.

This summer, from the guys
that brought you Superbad

and the dudes
behind the Hangover,

comes a new comedy with the bong
ripping birds from Knocked Up

and the dirty dogs of Wedding
Crashers plus the brosephs from

Hot Tub Time Machine
and the dirt bags

that shat out Grown-Ups Two.

All together with those sleazy
step dads from Cock Punchers,

the Turkish Boy Toys
From Jet Ski Spaceship,

the Naughty Poon Hounds
from Where's the Poon,

the frat brothers from Hey,
Maybe We Shouldn't Do That,

the cherry popping daddies from
the Mighty Mighty Bostones,

those dads who pop cherries
from the Cherry Poppin' Daddies,

and the who pop those cherries
from I think it was those dads,

also Gary, Larry, and Barry,
from I Think Our Names Rhyme,

The itchy Twins from Rash Boy,
the Applebee's Manager's from

it's going to be
10 to 15 minutes,

the tongue wagglings weirdos
from Gimme That Taco,

the Butter and Cream Cheese
from Bagel Spreads, the Mirrored

Scrotum from Disco Balls,

and the scumbags from
- Paul Shart:
- Male Fart,

plus all your favorite dickheads
from Touchdown Pizza Party.

All together, this
summer in Bro World,

from the director of District 9.

It's time to get wings.