Original subtitles

Pittsburgh, the city of brotherly love.

No, wait.

Ladies in first.

Please come in. Are you J?

I am.

J, Alec Baldwin.

How are you?

Holy smacks is the direct quote.

This is crazy.

It is crazy, isn't it?

Yeah.

You're a therapist, right?

I am a therapist.

I'm a therapist.

I help people get down underneath the-- you

know what I'm saying.

Yes. I get it.

What kind of work you do?

I'm a coal sampler.

I play with coal.

You are a quality control guy for coal?

Correct.

How did you get a job in 1955?

How'd you meet?

Well, I was a mechanic before this and--

What kind of mechanic?

- Car mechanic. - You worked on her car?

Yep.

And what happened?

Well, his pickup line was, hey, it looks like we need

some new windshield wipers.

And you said actually, I need my muffler checked.

How about I rotate your tires while I'm at it?

It says here there's no commitment and no sex.

How's the romance department?

Oh.

Well, it's touch and go.

A little less touch, a little more go?

Yeah.

Yeah, not so much touch.

- Not so much touch. - A lot of go.

There's a lot of-- little tension.

I got to go.

Pretty much.

I mean, I try to--

And he goes.

You try to touch and he goes?

Yep.

What's going on with that man?

I don't know.

She's uh-- I work long days.

So, sometimes I'm tired and she's tired.

She goes to sleep, I go to sleep.

I'm never tired.

You're never tired.

Pittsburgh, a city that's too tired to ...

Who initiates sex in this relationship?

Never you?

Uh, sometimes.

Yeah.

Maybe once or twice.

Would you say that in past relationships,

you were very sexual person or in general you're not.

As far as like in the beginning, it's great.

And then what happens?

And it kind of just like burns off.

You had a hot sex life for how long?

Well, probably like a couple months.

Do you just jerk off to those memories

of the first sex times?

What do you?

Do you just masturbate to the memories

of those first two months or--

No, he didn't even do that very often.

Didn't even do that very often.

Jesus.

She's stressed out.

Look at her.

She's rubbing her thighs.

I mean, I don't know what else to do.

This is depressing.

Do you want to hold her hostage in this relationship,

in a sexless relationship or do you

really think there's a chance you could make things better?

Would you like to make things better?

Oh, yeah. I like to make things better.

Not to be insensitive, have you ever tried Viagra?

Have you ever taken Viagra?

No.

Take it.

Would you be willing to try it?

Sure.

Does she ever just start sex right on him

and just start initiating it?

Do you ever just jump on him?

- I try to. - You do?

And what happens?

I get pushed off.

You get pushed off?

Like football tackle pushed off.

He flings you on the floor?

He'll throw me on--

Throws you to the floor?

Yeah.

Once.

What?

What are you getting out of it though?

Seriously.

Are you happy?

I am happy.

You are?

She makes me happy.

What would you like to see him change?

Forget about the sex part.

Will you just name it?

Communication.

Communication.

Yeah, my communication sucks.

Yeah, that's what I hear a lot of, nothing.

OK.

I know you.

You know what you are?

You're fucking exhausted.

You're working and you're working

and your work-- and you're not living.

And that's not right.

God did not put us on this Earth to work.

We work to live.

We work to enjoy ourselves.

You need to take better care of yourself.

I do.

You need to take better care of yourself

so you can take better care of her.

You know what you got to do right?

Yes, I do.

And you?

Call me.

I will.

Oh no.

I remember I opened the door and it was all just red

everywhere.

I just wish we had never gotten them involved in any of this.

If we had been more careful then they would still--

I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you through the thin white walls.

All right.

That's Mr. Washy and that's Mrs. Dribbles sitting on top of him.

Wait, if they're married, why don't

they have the same last name?

Because she's a feminist.

I remember that first day.

It was so wild.

I still smile when I think about it.

Laundry, laundry, laundry, laundry.

I've never done so many loads in one day.

I mean, it was nuts.

And when you're not used to that kind of lifestyle

and yeah, it sucks you in.

I was doing loads Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays.

White loads, dark loads.

I was wearing three, four, or five pairs of underwear, a day.

You know at first, it was just a casual thing with friends.

We came back from playing kickball.

Guys came, they saw the rig.

They were just like can we use it?

And I was like well, yeah, but throw me a few bucks.

And Wow.

Anthony Kiedis did a load.

All my ex-boyfriend's loads.

Just hung out with us naked for a while.

One time I did a load with my parents in the next room.

Flea.

Pretty much all the Red Hot Chili Peppers

came over and did loads.

That's how it started.

All of a sudden we were living large.

We had our own personal assistant.

We introduced a baby into our crew.

I don't even know whose baby it was.

We even got a therapy dog.

We were on top of the world.

Now, look at me.

I haven't worn clean underwear in like three weeks.

I just feel bad for Stephanie.

It was hardest on her.

She's the one that found them.

People were just-- they were doing too many loads, you know?

This guy that I was dating, he like

stuffed his red comforter in with all of my whites.

Mr. Washy had been too overstuffed

and he just couldn't take it.

And then Mrs. Dribbles went too.

Yeah, like of a broken heart.

It was-- it was out of control.

I don't even care about the money.

I care about what happened to Mr. Washy and Mrs. Dribbles.

But yeah, Eric owes me at least $100.

I split the money we made perfectly evenly.

Everybody got a taste.

Yeah, of course I'm pissed.

I mean, I have to walk six blocks to a laundromat.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a laundromat across the street.

But you'll have to ask Eric why we can't use it.

Oh, that's bullshit.

The laundromat thing was not my fault.

And Gus the owner, all right.

That guy's crazy.

He just couldn't handle competition.

Gus left me a voicemail.

And God knows how he got my number.

Hello, this is Gus from the laundromat.

you.

I hope your mother has Cow Disease in Florida.

Who do you think you are?

You're banded-- banded from the laundromat.

This is Gus.

Give me a call back when you get a chance.

I don't know what he's even worried about.

Yeah, just one guy.

One guy with a lot of friends.

Some part of me used to know how to plan ahead,

get quarters, bring a book.

But that part of me is gone now.

Gus.

Tell him that.

Don't tell him that.

Do not tell him that.

I'm just a regular old bartender.

Totally not a retired super thief in hiding.

That's not what I heard O'Malley.

That's my old partner.

How did you find me?

I follow you on Instagram.

I'm putting together a crew.

How'd you like to do one more job?

You know, I don't do that anymore.

What if I ask again nicely?

I'm in.

Great.

Let's introduce you to the team.

This is Mainframe, the best hacker in the biz.

I just need to reboot the networks

command key firewall protocol.

Nailed it.

Wheels.

This guy literally doesn't know what a red light means.

I don't know lots of things.

Beep beep.

Natalia Van Horn, the sexiest woman in the world.

Oops, I dropped my lipstick.

Time to slowly pick it up.

Joey P., master of safe cracking,

who is also Joey C., master of disguise.

Wait, so do we have a safecracker or is

that just a disguise?

No time to explain.

Lady and gentlemen, this is the United States Money Factory.

It's got the greatest security system in the entire world.

There's literally not a single weakness, except for one.

We've got a plan.

Listen close.

Here's how it's going to go down.

Natalia will use her seduction skills

to distract the security guard.

Hello, there.

But she's going to have to do it disguised as a man

because the guard is super gay.

I broke my lipstick.

Once inside, Natalia will get access to the security system

so Mainframe can unlock the vault.

Unlock vault?

yes.

Joey C. will enter the vault, which unfortunately

is protected by lasers.

But he'll get around them by disguising himself as a laser.

I am a laser.

Oh, pardon us.

Right this way, sir.

Once he's through, he'll turn off the fan.

So, Dixon can drop down from the vents

and get our prize, $40 gazillion.

Then Wheels will drive us back here after some loop de loops.

And that's when I betray you all and steal the money.

What money?

The money we just stole.

But we didn't do the job yet.

It was just an explanation montage.

Oh well, forget that last part then.

I don't think I can especially because this entire time

I've been an undercover cop.

Oh yeah?

Well, this whole time I've actually been a higher

ranking undercover cop.

Stop right there.

This whole time I've actually been--

$40 bazillion.

So, we got the money after all.

Yeah.

Crime always pays.

Who are you?

I'm JJ Abrams.

I was raised to do one thing, fix movie franchises.

First, Star Trek.

And now, Star Wars.

Nothing will stand in my way.

I will revitalize the franchises that you started.

The Pirates of the Caribbean, tone down Johnny Depp.

Next, Indiana Jones, no aliens.

The Hobbit movies, we only needed one.

I will not stop at movie franchises.

I will rewrite the finale of The Sopranos.

I will revive Google Glass and make it not the worst.

I shall scope new stronger arms for the Venus de Milo.

I'm going to fix sexism.

I'm going to fix racism.

Hey, just stick to movies.

Yeah, you're right.

Hollywood, JJ is calling to you.

Just let him in.

What's up you guys?

I'm John Earley, celebrity correspondent for Above

Average, coming at you live in a clip that will be fully

edited and released later.

We're here backstage at the legendary talk show, The View,

where SNL's Kate McKinnon is about to go on.

Let's go talk to her.

Ow.

So, SNL, am I right?

Yes.

Yes.

Just in terms of sketches, but also musical guests.

Mmhmm.

Mmhmm.

There are those.

Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

I'm great.

I'm actually-- I am so sorry to interrupt, but I'm actually

about to go on for there.

We're affiliated with this network so contractually you

actually have to talk to me as part

of your promotional obligations to the show,

obligations-- obligation.

Could we-- is there any way we could do it after the--

Would you rather know love or book a sitcom?

Um.

Would you rather know love or book a sitcom?

Well--

Like would you rather experience

love or be a series regular on a multicam half hour?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I got it.

I think-- I think love.

Incorrect.

You guys pull pranks on each other on the set of SNL?

Um, oh.

That's a fun question.

There's this one time that--

Sometimes, I'll pull pranks on some of my closest friends

and we'll just crack up.

That's wild.

Would you fund my web series or appear in it?

Um.

It's about four best friends who live in either Brooklyn

or Manhattan but we haven't just-- we haven't figured

that detail out yet.

It doesn't sound like there's nec--

It's shot in HD.

It's like a Brooklyn Summer, Brooklyn.

OK.

That feels right.

We're going to go with Brooklyn.

Fill in the blank.

While Charlotte was uptown on a gallery opening,

Samantha was downtown--

It's Sex-- that's Sex--

Getting .

Sorry, I was just thinking about an ex.

Again, if I could just--

Are we in a secret club?

I feel like it must literally be starting right now.

Are we in a secret club?

Um no, no.

Are we friends in a club?

I'm going to leave the club.

What's the most crushing part of losing your anonymity?

This--

Sorry Kate, we're ready for you.

Thank you. OK.

Thanks. I'm so sorry.

I've got to go.

We have to get a picture.

We have to get a picture.

Do we?

Why? - OK.

- Thank you. - LYLAS.

Bye.

LYLAS.

Who is that?

It means, love you like a sis--

All right guys, that was my interview

with SNL starlet Kate McKinnon.

She's wild.

Don't forget to talk--

follow me on Twitter.

My username is the AOL dial up sound, just spelled out.

Check me out.

Hello, Mmm Night Shyamalan.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Mmm?

What sort of absentee druggie parents

name their child a letter, right?

Well, that's not really my name.

So you chose the name M?

That's even weirder.

I don't think I like you.

So, The Sixth Sense.

How spooky.

Spooky.

M, I'm going to go ahead and say

that I think that this script is probably fine.

I would give it a 5 out of 10. - 4 out of 10.

2 out of 100. I didn't know what we're doing.

OK.

You got a couple of decent lead characters in here.

I love the creepy weird kid.

Children are terrifying creatures.

Yeah, they're growing bigger every day.

There's teeth falling out of their faces.

Kids are disgusting.

But the movie doesn't really get

going until page 107, the last page, when

we find out that the lead character's

been dead the whole time.

But then, Mr. Mmm-mmm Head just ends the movie.

He's been dead the whole time.

He didn't even mention it?

That is a huge oversight.

We need to know he's dead at the very beginning

so we can understand what's happening, duh?

Oh, that's actually done on purpose.

It's a surprise ending.

Movies don't have surprise endings.

Movies have happy endings.

But if you rewatch the film, you

get a whole new perspective. - Rewatch?

OK, buddy.

No one is going to rewatch your movie if you make them

feel like idiots at the end.

This is a gypsy movie.

You fool the paying public just for some stupid little trick

at the end.

You're a gypsy.

I am not a gypsy.

Well, you write a movie like a gypsy would.

I don't see it that way but I could reconsider the ending.

Just let us know that the guy is dead at the top so that way,

we can get to the real fun stuff, the afterlife.

You see, for me, that's the real meat, the real cajones--

a gypsy word-- of the movie.

All you have him doing is fixing one kid's problem.

I've got to say, that's lazy.

What kind of a ghost psychologist is he?

I thought that was enough for him

to make up his mistake with his previous patient.

Oh my God.

There's the gypsy again.

I did one thing.

That's enough for the day.

Half of the movie is him just speaking

into a dumb little voice recorder

and moping around in the basement

being all sad about his little ghost life.

He's a lazy ghost.

There's so much potential here for some cool ghost powers

but you keep it a secret.

Listen, if I was a ghost, I'd be hanging out in a girls' locker

room after a softball game just checking it

out trying to squeeze some of those bingos.

That's so much better already.

See how aroused I am?

The Sexy Sense.

It's like Porky's except with a ghost psychologist.

Sexy.

I don't really see this film as a sex romp.

Well, I would take a good old fashioned sex

romp over your gypsy trick of a movie any day.

I don't appreciate being called a gypsy.

And I'm going to look at my options elsewhere.

OK, hey, hey, hey. Look, we'll compromise.

We'll make a little gypsy deal with you, all right?

Just change the name of the movie

from whatever it is, The Sucky Sense to He's

Dead The Whole Time.

If-- If it had that title, then I would go see it.

Well, I don't know if I would but you get the point.

- Thank you for your time. - Yeah, that's right.

Just walk away without saying anything.

This summer, from the guys that brought you Superbad

and the dudes behind the Hangover,

comes a new comedy with the bong ripping birds from Knocked Up

and the dirty dogs of Wedding Crashers plus the brosephs from

Hot Tub Time Machine and the dirt bags

that shat out Grown-Ups Two.

All together with those sleazy step dads from Cock Punchers,

the Turkish Boy Toys From Jet Ski Spaceship,

the Naughty Poon Hounds from Where's the Poon,

the frat brothers from Hey, Maybe We Shouldn't Do That,

the cherry popping daddies from the Mighty Mighty Bostones,

those dads who pop cherries from the Cherry Poppin' Daddies,

and the who pop those cherries from I think it was those dads,

also Gary, Larry, and Barry, from I Think Our Names Rhyme,

The itchy Twins from Rash Boy, the Applebee's Manager's from

it's going to be 10 to 15 minutes,

the tongue wagglings weirdos from Gimme That Taco,

the Butter and Cream Cheese from Bagel Spreads, the Mirrored

Scrotum from Disco Balls,

and the scumbags from - Paul Shart: - Male Fart,

plus all your favorite dickheads from Touchdown Pizza Party.

All together, this summer in Bro World,

from the director of District 9.

It's time to get wings.