Original subtitles

Well, January 1 is right around the corner.

So, of course, we came up with another one

of our YouTube challenges.

We asked you at home to prank your friends

at your New Year's Eve party.

We didn't know how this was gonna turn out.

But, oh, man, did we get some great videos.

Let's take a look.

Hey, buddy.

Bad news.

We drank all the alcohol for the New Year's party.

It's all gone.

No!

No way!

Hey, John.

Sorry to tell you, we drank all the alcohol for New Year's Eve.

You're kidding, right?

No.

People want to have--

No. No!

I need to relax.

No!

Oh, my god.

I can't talk to people if I'm sober.

It's not funny.

Yep.

No, it's not funny!

Oh.

All the girls are not gonna sleep with me because of you.

I think may be, like-- there's like

a half a can of Coke-- - Oh, great.

-in the freezer. Oh, OK.

Great. Yeah.

Half a can of Coke.

It might be a little flat.

But you could-- - you.

I put on Spanx for this.

It can't be, God.

I'm supposed to be drunk.

What?

What is wrong with you?

You're a Grinch!

I hate you!

What am I gonna to do with my shit, piss, and vomit bucket?

Huh?

Why did you drink it?

I wanted to.

Where the is the alcohol?

No.

No, don't.

No, don't.

Oh, well, thanks to all the friends who

sent in those sneaky videos.

Well, everyone's an alcoholic.

Good night.

Hi.

I have a hair appointment. - Shh.

Shut the up.

I've been doing hair forever.

And I kept thinking, what's the worst

part of getting a haircut?

It came to me-- having to make small talk

with the hairdresser.

So that's when I decided to open Shut The Up Salon.

Here, you just get your hair cut.

You don't talk to us.

We don't talk to you.

So when you walk in, shut the up.

So how was your week-- ah!

It's exhausting, you know.

All the conversations, the small talk--

what's up, girlfriend?

You want to see a picture of my dog?

, no.

It's a dog.

Yeah, I love working here.

I mean, she's not my friend.

Why the would I talk to her?

I've been doing her hair for, like, five years.

And I still don't know her name.

I think she was, like, pregnant at some point-- not really sure

how that turned out.

But, you know, what--

Hey, are you gonna shut the up?

I'd love to expand the idea to shut the

up taxi drivers and shut the up dentists.

But, for now, it's just a hair salon where people

don't talk to each other.

Oh, yeah, pretty much like a barber shop.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, movie house!

Oh, that's my house.

Merry Christmas!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary, oh, Mary.

George.

George, it's wonderful.

It's wonderful, Mary.

She did it.

She told some people you were in trouble.

And she scoured all over town and collected all the money.

You got everything you need.

It's wonderful, George.

To George Bailey, the richest man in town.

Should old acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind?

Hang on a minute.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

This is only, like, $413.

Well, how much money do you need, George?

$8,000.

Well, surely, we can raise enough.

How about everyone gives another dollar?

Yes.

Hang on.

Hey, hang on.

That's only, like, 17 more dollars.

Well, hooray.

We're almost there.

Hip, hip--

Should old acquaintance be forgot--

Shut up.

-and ne--

- Shut up. - All right.

Come on.

Couldn't you just give a little more?

Well, I have this $10 bill.

Well, that's more like it.

Thank you.

I'll just take six singles back.

And that's almost $8,000 on the nose.

Stop taking my money.

Look what you've done.

I can't make change with this money.

I have an idea.

Let's have a bake sale.

We'll make teeny tiny pies, charge $0.10 a pie.

Heck, I bet we could make 100 pies, even.

I love that.

That's only $10.

Well, how do you figure?

Math.

Do you people know how money works?

Yes.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

There you go.

This is a plastic nickel.

I bought the nickels.

I don't even know you.

- I'm Cecil. - That's Cecil.

- Who? - Cecil.

George, we've met.

You're a stranger to me.

George, why don't we have Mary sell some

of her pretty, pretty hair?

I-- I'm not gonna do that.

Quiet, everybody.

A telegram from your rich friend Sam.

Ooh.

A telegram.

George, stop.

My office is instructed to advance you up to $25,000.

Stop.

Hee-haw, Merry Christmas.

A hee-haw, indeed.

Should old acquaintance be forgot

and never--

Hold on. Sorry.

There's more.

I just need you to wait 12 weeks for a check to clear.

Stop.

Hee-haw, and Merry Christmas.

Oh, hee-haw, indeed.

12 weeks.

12 weeks.

I'll go to jail tonight.

George, I'll pay $400 for her hair,

but that's twice as much as I usually pay for hair.

What's with the hair?

It's Christmas.

We all can do whatever we like.

What do you do with it?

Sniff it and lick it.

Stop.

Can't any of you small-town idiots give me anything else?

Uh, [clears throat].

I guess we got to arrest you now.

Yeah. All right.

Let's go. Ouch.

Ouch.

Oh, it's in between my fingers.

Bye, George.

Merry Christmas, George.

Merry Christmas, George.

Nice to meet you.

Hee-haw.

I guess we should just take back our money, right?

That's cool.

Yeah.

Should old acquaintance be forgot--

Clarence!

My guardian angel!

Why, here you go, George.

Uh, what is that?

In heaven, we use clouds as money.

Clouds are worth nothing to me, Clarence.

I need $8,000.

8 grand?

What?

That's what I was trying to tell you on the bridge,

you dumb angel!

Alec, can you hear me?

Yes, Judah.

Excellent.

Over and out, Alex.

Watch this.

Watch me turn on the charm.

- Hi. - Hi, how you doing?

Hi. Alec.

How are you? - Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Good.

Now, these guys are both radiologists, which

means they're lazy doctors.

- Make yourself comfortable. - OK.

Are you warm? You hot?

You cold? - I'm perfect.

This is great. You're perfect.

Are you, like, a normal man-woman

duo where you're hot all the time

and you're cold all the time? - Um--

I want the heat turned up. I'm from--

You're . - I was born in Nigeria.

So I like it always hot.

But you don't sound like you're from overseas.

No, I've been here since '95.

You carry that with you.

Yeah.

My accent comes out sometimes, but I always--

When he drinks.

lean into hot. Exactly.

I was gonna say when he's mad-- - When he drinks.

--but not when he drinks. - Yeah.

When I drink, then I get a little animated.

And the accent's, like, deep.

Radiologists that drink.

That's good.

You're both doctors.

No, I'm a X-ray tech.

So you're a radiologist?

Yes.

So basically--

And then you started, like, doing things

with the X-ray tech here?

No, we met outside the hospital.

Yeah.

I make that clear now.

OK.

Where'd you meet?

Online.

So tell me, what was it like dating women online?

It's nice because you get to know them.

You kind of know what to expect first.

So were they authentic, meaning

their pictures looked like them and they were

who they said they were or-- - Not all the time.

They don't.

And then you--

what was your experience online dating?

I never had any expectations of meeting anyone on there.

I just wanted to go on there to see, you know,

what kind of guys are out here?

What kind of guys are online?

Then what happened when you saw her?

I thought she was gorgeous.

When I first saw her.

Did she have a nice picture online?

She had a couple nice pictures.

But it was better in person.

How is this relationship going?

- Good. - It's fun.

We live together.

We have a one-year-old-- almost one.

You have a baby? - Yeah.

Yes.

Were your parents supportive of your relationship?

There was some friction in my end.

- Your end? - Yes.

Yeah.

Very cultural family.

They wanted you to marry a Nigerian woman?

Initially.

But now they love Emily.

They love Elijah.

And, you know, they're full of smiles every time we visit.

When the baby screams or the baby's pissed off,

does it scream with a Nigerian accent?

I want you to write down three words--

words or short phrases-- that describe

his parenting techniques.

And you write three words that describe

her parenting techniques.

Reveal.

OK-- "laid back," "chill," "forgetful."

That describes him.

So he's very hands-off.

Show me yours.

All right.

You might not like this first one.

"Public breastfeeding."

Number one, "public breastfeeding."

She's a little bit of a new-school kind of mom

where, you know, it's OK to just,

you know, pop it out and start breastfeeding.

Come on, man.

It's OK.

There's some times I'm OK with it.

Sometimes, I'm like, yo, put that away.

So--

Um, I'm--

that's one of her qualities.

But the baby needs some milk.

So it's OK. - Baby's got to eat.

Two, "nurturing."

The women on our staff who are in the follow car, they're

with her. They support her.

Yeah. Great.

I support that-- That's a big deal--

--99%. --if that upsets you.

Do you pull the blanket over you?

Do you have your little shawl? Not all the time.

Not all the time. - And you don't now?

Why?

Um, because his head's so big that you

can't even see anything.

Why don't we have some compromise here?

Mm?

I think you should have a compromise.

I think breastfeeding in public is fine.

But you really should get the little shawl.

I vote against the shawl.

Yeah, no.

Boo, boo.

In the van, we all vote against the shawl.

Yeah, everyone in the follow van

is voting against the shawl.

They want you to just take your top off and be topless.

On the count of three, do you see

yourselves married to each other, not to other people?

Do you see yourselves married in the next three years?

One, two, three.

Yes. - You do?

You're gonna get married? You're thinking about it?

Yeah.

You're planning to get married?

Yeah.

Look at each other.

Stare deeply into each other's eyes.

Three things you love about her.

Your hair, your passion, and how loving and caring you

are for me and Elijah.

Aw.

Tell him three things you love about him.

I love your charisma.

I love how wise you are.

I love your humor.

Really?

Also, he's very handsome.

He's very handsome.

That just goes with the package.

I bet a lot of people walk into that radiology,

and they're like, oh, let me just

take this off for my X-ray.

He's like, no, no, no, that's not necessary.

I'm X-raying your foot, actually.

Portrait stu-stu-studio.

Uh, button?

No button. - You guys look great.

We're just gonna tweak the lighting a little bit,

and then we'll be good to go.

All right?

You in charge here?

Yeah, you're OAR's manager?

Yeah, enough small talk, OK?

Here's the deal, all right?

You know Adele, Katy Perry, Carly Rae Jackson--

Jepsen.

Jackson's good, too.

Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana.

Those are the same people, actually.

It's cool.

Well, Marc here has been the lead singer of OAR

since its inception.

And he is not aware of this yet, but we

have decided to go in a new direction

with a female vocalist.

Really?

Yes.

And so what I need you guys to do

is to minimize his role in these shots as much as possible

and see if we can incorporate our new female vocalist, who's

right over there.

The makeup artist?

Right.

Yeah.

Marc thinks she's a makeup artist.

But the rest of the band is on board.

They know what the deal is.

So when you say minimize Marc--

I mean I don't want to see him one bit.

I don't want to see him in any shots.

If I do, I'm gonna freak out and break your stuff.

OK.

I think Marc's probably gonna pick up on the fact

that he's not--

Well, he better not because that's why we came here.

That's why we came to Portrait Studio.

You guys are the professionals.

I know you can get it done, OK?

This is the Raptor G6 series, huh?

Yeah, I got my nephew one.

And he broke it.

I think he's .

Marc, could you take

a small step to your right?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Maybe one more?

Yeah.

A little bit more?

I literally feel like you can't see me over here, though.

Oh, no, you're great.

You're great.

Grace, could you get in and powder Benj a little bit?

There we go.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Right, yeah, yeah.

- Oops. - I'll get it.

Thank you.

So, guys, we're gonna mess with the formation

a little bit.

Benj, could you jump up top left?

We'll have you guys switch.

Is that cool, going over there?

Perfect. Let's try that.

Ooh.

Hey, Marky Shark and the Funky Bunch,

I got your mom on the phone.

I don't know why she'd be calling you.

Eh, I don't know.

OK.

Hello.

Ma?

There's no one there, Gary.

And your phone stinks.

Yeah, am I right? Am I right?

Yeah?

All right.

Get back up there.

Hey, Gary, you know, I can't help

but feeling like you're cutting me out of this thing, man.

Uh, let's do this, Marc.

Why don't we do one where you're the center of the photo, OK?

You'll be the focal point.

Yeah.

Can you guys pick Marc up? How about that?

That'd be fun. - Yeah.

I guess so. OK, yeah.

Great. - Awesome.

- All right. - Let's do that.

We can see where it goes.

That's good.

- Oh, man. - Oh, yeah.

He's the lead singer, guys.

Let's really put him up there.

Yeah, really lift him up there.

We're so proud of our lead singer.

Oh, he's so good.

What the ?

Guys, I think we're good.

I think we got what we need.

You have some really nice options there.

Great job, guys. Awesome.

Thanks, Garrett.

We'll see you back at the hotel.

Great.

Garrett, you know, can I talk to you, man?

I feel like we didn't really get what we came here to get.

Oh, don't sweat it, Shark.

Tomorrow, we got a private shoot with you and Ansel Adams.

It's gonna be great.

Gary, Ansel Adams is dead, man.

Did I say Ansel Adams?

I meant to say that you're fired.

That was a crazy game of poker.

Hey, Benj, it's blazing in here.

Why don't you pop that top off?

I lost it all.

But someday I'll be back again.

Really?

All right.

Thanks, guys.

What the ?

Man?

Yeah?

You like food?

You mean like ?

Yeah.

I love the stuff.

Yeah, I can't get enough. - Cool.

So that's it.

Stonehenge is finished.

Good job building Stonehenge.

Yeah.

I guess I just want to get your feedback, you know,

things that we liked, what we didn't like,

maybe what we could do differently moving forward.

Uh, well, I really like the stone placement.

OK. It's top-notch.

Yeah.

Across the board, great stone placement, Catherine.

Thank you.

You know, putting this stone here as opposed to there,

or putting that stone there as opposed to here,

like, I wouldn't have known to do that.

That was actually a really tough call.

It was the right call.

Some stones are standing by themselves.

And other stones are standing next to another stone

with a third stone on top of the first two stones.

And you like that.

Very much.

That was actually my idea.

That was a great idea.

Thank you so much.

You know, at first, I was initially

hesitant about putting one stone on top of two stones.

I just wasn't sure if we were on brand or not.

Anyway, I see that I was wrong now,

and I just wanted to apologize.

There is no need to apologize. No.

No. - I'm so happy with what we did.

Yeah.

I mean, just to echo everyone, the stone placement,

it couldn't be better.

It's-- oh, it's amazing.

It's really amazing.

I guess I just have one--

one small concern.

What's that, April?

Well, I'm just not sure if future

generations are gonna know the Stonehenge is for ...

How do you mean?

No, no, I mean, it's clear to us, you know,

that Stonehenge is a place to go and

and is positioned in a way to achieve maximum orgasm.

Right.

Right.

I mean, and believe me, I--

I have never came so hard, so fast, so many times as when

I at Stonehenge.

But are other people gonna know that?

How could you not know that?

How would Stonehenge be for anything other than ??

I'm sorry.

I'm not following because it's very clear to me.

You up against stone number one, OK?

Your partner boosts you up, and you

on tops of stones three and four.

You hop on over to stone number six, and you there.

Now, if you need a break, you just,

you know, take a breather on those boulder-like stones

in the middle.

Good call on the breather stones, by the way.

You're welcome. Yeah.

Then you have the option to masturbate behind stones

eight or nine, you know?

Whatever you like.

And then, if you've done everything

right, the whole place, it just pulsates, right?

And then God comes down to the Earth--

.

you bask in his holy light.

And then you and your partner

God, and you climax on stone number 12.

What is not-- what's not clear about that, April?

Look, I get it, Dave, OK?

We've all at Stonehenge.

We've all together at Stonehenge, all right?

We've all God at Stonehenge, all right?

And it's been very freeing spiritually, sexually.

But I'm not positive that future generations are going

to understand that the stone-to-stone placement is

ideal for -ing,-ing, primarily because we

don't have a written language to communicate it to them.

Well, maybe you could have brought

that up in a planning meeting.

OK.

I mean, seriously, for a minute, pretend that you're not

one of us, and you're just seeing

Stonehenge for the first time.

What do you think you do at this place?

Oh, damn it.

No.

She's right.

People are not gonna know that it's for -ing.-ing.

They're gonna think it's for killing goats or some shit.

Stonehenge might be a bust.

Ugh.

God, no.

We spent a thousand years building this thing.

I mean, people were crushed to death moving those stones.

You know what?

I've just-- I'm feeling pretty low right now.

I just-- I need to step back, take a walk, go to Stonehenge,

masturbate a little bit.

I'm just--

Do you want me to come with you?

That'd be nice, yeah, if you could just maintain eye contact

with me the entire time.

Of course.

Promise.

Absolutely, because you need this now,

and I want to help you.

You're doing it right now, aren't you?

Thank you.

Tim, it's so nice of you to take

time out of your weird artistic life to meet with us.

We were huge fans of "Pee-pee's Big Adventure."

We love it.

More Pee-pee, please.

Could I meet Pee-pee?

Can you bring Pee-pee to my birthday party?

Uh, OK.

All right.

So Edward Scissorhands, we just love what you and Caroline did

with this quirky little script.

So first things first.

"Edward Scissorhands"-- the title doesn't exactly

roll off the tongue, does it?

People see that, they think, what?

Scissors for hands?

I don't get it.

So I don't want to be anywhere near it.

I suppose we could change the title.

Or you can go the extra mile and change

what that little freak has for hands, ugh.

Yes.

Ugh, those big, nasty, sharp scissor fingers,

oh, they're bad.

I mean, he can't even pick up food

or do regular man things with them, like touch a woman

or jerk himself off.

He just ends up trimming hedges and cutting hair.

And that's a sad and pathetic way to live.

Nobody wants to see a movie about some loser day laborer.

So let's change that up.

Change the whole conceit of the movie?

Uh, we're just asking for a compromise here.

You know, a main character should have big, nice, tanned,

veiny hands, something I can imagine cupping my bingos,

you know?

The scissors make him special and mysterious.

He's different from everyone else.

So it's wrong and confusing.

How about he's just wearing leather gloves?

And then, at the end, we find out they're big, tanned,

veiny hands the whole time.

The lesson is you never know what's

underneath someone's gloves.

Eddie Gloveman. I love it.

I get it. I like it.

I want to pay money to look at it.

And I'll buy a big popcorn.

That's a pretty big change.

Well, uh, think about it because your script

is pretty boring and crappy until about page 40--

ooh, where we first meet that sexy blond boyfriend.

Yeah.

He's rough and edgy, and his girlfriend's

on the straight and narrow.

But let me tell you something, Tim Burton.

That is a dynamic that every audience wants to see develop,

OK?

And you barely have it in here.

We could just do a movie about them,

cut out old nasty glovehands.

Glovehand lives on some mansion

up on some dumb, dumb mountain.

So just get back to those sexy suburban teens.

Well, I haven't agreed on the glove hand thing.

And also, the boyfriend is kind of the bad guy

in this situation. Yeah.

That's why we're telling you to fix it.

You did it wrong.

Use your scissorhands to cut out all the crap.

There you go.

That's the one thing that they might

be useful for because right now, I

don't see them doing anything.

They certainly won't be useful for making money--

No.

in the box office.

Yeah.

Where's the sex appeal in some gray-skinned loser that's never

seen the light of day?

He's got terrible hair.

He wears all black.

He seems miserable.

He's a black impacted turd of a human being.

I'm him. He's me.

Eddie Blond.

Now, is that a movie, or is that a movie?

No, Jim can't love like Edward can.

That's the whole point.

Oh, my god.

This little maggot won't budge.

OK, well, then, I'm sorry.

But we will have to pass on your script.

You know what?

You can leave and take your shroud of darkness with you.

Just a nasty piece of rubber. Get out.

Oh, there he goes.

Take your leather daddy freak with you,

too, OK, you dirty Q-tip?

You know, in the end, there was something

kind of interesting about him.

Really?

Mm, but I'd way rather do the blond guy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I want to see in the movie.

Yes.

I love putting my hands behind my back when I'm doing it.