All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E13.Im.Gonna.Freak.Out.and.Break.Your.Stuff.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Well, January 1 is
right around the corner.

So, of course, we came
up with another one

of our YouTube challenges.

We asked you at home
to prank your friends

at your New Year's Eve party.

We didn't know how this
was gonna turn out.

But, oh, man, did we
get some great videos.

Let's take a look.

Hey, buddy.

Bad news.

We drank all the alcohol
for the New Year's party.

It's all gone.

No!

No way!

Hey, John.

Sorry to tell you, we drank all
the alcohol for New Year's Eve.

You're kidding, right?

No.

People want to have--

No.
No!

I need to relax.

No!

Oh, my god.

I can't talk to
people if I'm sober.

It's not funny.

Yep.

No, it's not funny!

Oh.

All the girls are not gonna
sleep with me because of you.

I think may
be, like-- there's like

a half a can of Coke--
- Oh, great.

-in the freezer.
Oh, OK.

Great.
Yeah.

Half a can of Coke.

It might
be a little flat.

But you could--
- you.

I put on Spanx for this.

It can't be, God.

I'm supposed to be drunk.

What?

What is wrong with you?

You're a Grinch!

I hate you!

What am I gonna to do with my
shit, piss, and vomit bucket?

Huh?

Why did you drink it?

I wanted to.

Where the
is the alcohol?

No.

No, don't.

No, don't.

Oh, well, thanks to
all the friends who

sent in those sneaky videos.

Well, everyone's an alcoholic.

Good night.

Hi.

I have a hair appointment.
- Shh.

Shut the up.

I've been
doing hair forever.

And I kept thinking,
what's the worst

part of getting a haircut?

It came to me-- having
to make small talk

with the hairdresser.

So that's when I decided to
open Shut The Up Salon.

Here, you just
get your hair cut.

You don't talk to us.

We don't talk to you.

So when you walk in,
shut the up.

So how was your week-- ah!

It's
exhausting, you know.

All the conversations,
the small talk--

what's up, girlfriend?

You want to see a
picture of my dog?

, no.

It's a dog.

Yeah, I love working here.

I mean, she's not my friend.

Why the
would I talk to her?

I've been doing her hair
for, like, five years.

And I still don't know her name.

I think she was, like, pregnant
at some point-- not really sure

how that turned out.

But, you know, what--

Hey, are you gonna
shut the up?

I'd love to expand
the idea to shut the

up taxi drivers and shut
the up dentists.

But, for now, it's just
a hair salon where people

don't talk to each other.

Oh, yeah, pretty much
like a barber shop.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, movie house!

Oh, that's my house.

Merry Christmas!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary, oh, Mary.

George.

George, it's wonderful.

It's wonderful, Mary.

She did it.

She told some people
you were in trouble.

And she scoured all over town
and collected all the money.

You got everything you need.

It's wonderful, George.

To George Bailey, the
richest man in town.

Should
old acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind?

Hang on a minute.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

This is only, like, $413.

Well, how much money
do you need, George?

$8,000.

Well, surely, we
can raise enough.

How about everyone
gives another dollar?

Yes.

Hang on.

Hey, hang on.

That's only, like,
17 more dollars.

Well, hooray.

We're almost there.

Hip, hip--

Should old
acquaintance be forgot--

Shut up.

-and ne--

- Shut up.
- All right.

Come on.

Couldn't you just
give a little more?

Well, I have this $10 bill.

Well, that's more like it.

Thank you.

I'll just take
six singles back.

And that's almost
$8,000 on the nose.

Stop taking my money.

Look what you've done.

I can't make change
with this money.

I have an idea.

Let's have a bake sale.

We'll make teeny tiny
pies, charge $0.10 a pie.

Heck, I bet we could
make 100 pies, even.

I love that.

That's only $10.

Well, how do you figure?

Math.

Do you people know
how money works?

Yes.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

There you go.

This is a plastic nickel.

I bought the nickels.

I don't even know you.

- I'm Cecil.
- That's Cecil.

- Who?
- Cecil.

George, we've met.

You're a stranger to me.

George, why don't
we have Mary sell some

of her pretty, pretty hair?

I-- I'm not gonna do that.

Quiet, everybody.

A telegram from your
rich friend Sam.

Ooh.

A telegram.

George, stop.

My office is instructed to
advance you up to $25,000.

Stop.

Hee-haw, Merry Christmas.

A hee-haw, indeed.

Should old
acquaintance be forgot

and never--

Hold on.
Sorry.

There's more.

I just need you to wait 12
weeks for a check to clear.

Stop.

Hee-haw, and Merry Christmas.

Oh, hee-haw, indeed.

12 weeks.

12 weeks.

I'll go to jail tonight.

George, I'll pay
$400 for her hair,

but that's twice as much
as I usually pay for hair.

What's with the hair?

It's Christmas.

We all can do whatever we like.

What do you do with it?

Sniff it and lick it.

Stop.

Can't any of you small-town
idiots give me anything else?

Uh, [clears throat].

I guess we got to
arrest you now.

Yeah.
All right.

Let's go.
Ouch.

Ouch.

Oh, it's in between my fingers.

Bye, George.

Merry Christmas, George.

Merry Christmas, George.

Nice to meet you.

Hee-haw.

I guess we should just
take back our money, right?

That's cool.

Yeah.

Should old
acquaintance be forgot--

Clarence!

My guardian angel!

Why, here you go, George.

Uh, what is that?

In heaven, we use
clouds as money.

Clouds are worth
nothing to me, Clarence.

I need $8,000.

8 grand?

What?

That's what I was trying
to tell you on the bridge,

you dumb angel!

Alec, can you hear me?

Yes, Judah.

Excellent.

Over and out, Alex.

Watch this.

Watch me turn on the charm.

- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?

Hi.
Alec.

How are you?
- Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Good.

Now, these guys are
both radiologists, which

means they're lazy doctors.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- OK.

Are you warm?
You hot?

You cold?
- I'm perfect.

This is great.
You're perfect.

Are you, like, a
normal man-woman

duo where you're
hot all the time

and you're cold all the time?
- Um--

I want the heat turned up.
I'm from--

You're .
- I was born in Nigeria.

So I like it always hot.

But you don't sound
like you're from overseas.

No, I've been here since '95.

You carry that with you.

Yeah.

My accent comes out
sometimes, but I always--

When he drinks.

lean into hot.
Exactly.

I was gonna say when he's mad--
- When he drinks.

--but not when he drinks.
- Yeah.

When I drink, then I
get a little animated.

And the accent's, like, deep.

Radiologists that drink.

That's good.

You're both doctors.

No, I'm a X-ray tech.

So you're a radiologist?

Yes.

So basically--

And then you started,
like, doing things

with the X-ray tech here?

No, we met outside
the hospital.

Yeah.

I make that clear now.

OK.

Where'd you meet?

Online.

So tell me, what was it
like dating women online?

It's nice because
you get to know them.

You kind of know
what to expect first.

So were they
authentic, meaning

their pictures looked
like them and they were

who they said they were or--
- Not all the time.

They don't.

And then you--

what was your experience
online dating?

I never had any expectations
of meeting anyone on there.

I just wanted to go on
there to see, you know,

what kind of guys are out here?

What kind of guys are online?

Then what happened
when you saw her?

I thought she was gorgeous.

When I first saw her.

Did she have a
nice picture online?

She had a couple
nice pictures.

But it was better in person.

How is this
relationship going?

- Good.
- It's fun.

We live together.

We have a one-year-old--
almost one.

You have a baby?
- Yeah.

Yes.

Were your parents supportive
of your relationship?

There was some
friction in my end.

- Your end?
- Yes.

Yeah.

Very cultural family.

They wanted you to
marry a Nigerian woman?

Initially.

But now they love Emily.

They love Elijah.

And, you know, they're full
of smiles every time we visit.

When the baby screams
or the baby's pissed off,

does it scream with
a Nigerian accent?

I want you to write
down three words--

words or short
phrases-- that describe

his parenting techniques.

And you write three
words that describe

her parenting techniques.

Reveal.

OK-- "laid back,"
"chill," "forgetful."

That describes him.

So he's very hands-off.

Show me yours.

All right.

You might not like
this first one.

"Public breastfeeding."

Number one, "public
breastfeeding."

She's a little bit of a
new-school kind of mom

where, you know,
it's OK to just,

you know, pop it out
and start breastfeeding.

Come on, man.

It's OK.

There's some times
I'm OK with it.

Sometimes, I'm like,
yo, put that away.

So--

Um, I'm--

that's one of her qualities.

But the baby needs some milk.

So it's OK.
- Baby's got to eat.

Two, "nurturing."

The women on our staff who
are in the follow car, they're

with her.
They support her.

Yeah.
Great.

I support that--
That's a big deal--

--99%.
--if that upsets you.

Do you pull the
blanket over you?

Do you have your little shawl?
Not all the time.

Not all the time.
- And you don't now?

Why?

Um, because his
head's so big that you

can't even see anything.

Why don't we have
some compromise here?

Mm?

I think you should
have a compromise.

I think breastfeeding
in public is fine.

But you really should
get the little shawl.

I vote against the shawl.

Yeah, no.

Boo, boo.

In the van, we all
vote against the shawl.

Yeah, everyone
in the follow van

is voting against the shawl.

They want you to just take
your top off and be topless.

On the count of
three, do you see

yourselves married to each
other, not to other people?

Do you see yourselves married
in the next three years?

One, two, three.

Yes.
- You do?

You're gonna get married?
You're thinking about it?

Yeah.

You're planning
to get married?

Yeah.

Look at each other.

Stare deeply into
each other's eyes.

Three things you love about her.

Your hair, your passion,
and how loving and caring you

are for me and Elijah.

Aw.

Tell him three things
you love about him.

I love your charisma.

I love how wise you are.

I love your humor.

Really?

Also, he's very handsome.

He's very handsome.

That just goes
with the package.

I bet a lot of people
walk into that radiology,

and they're like,
oh, let me just

take this off for my X-ray.

He's like, no, no, no,
that's not necessary.

I'm X-raying your
foot, actually.

Portrait
stu-stu-studio.

Uh, button?

No button.
- You guys look great.

We're just gonna tweak
the lighting a little bit,

and then we'll be good to go.

All right?

You in charge here?

Yeah, you're OAR's manager?

Yeah, enough small talk, OK?

Here's the deal, all right?

You know Adele, Katy
Perry, Carly Rae Jackson--

Jepsen.

Jackson's good, too.

Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana.

Those are the same
people, actually.

It's cool.

Well, Marc here has been
the lead singer of OAR

since its inception.

And he is not aware
of this yet, but we

have decided to go
in a new direction

with a female vocalist.

Really?

Yes.

And so what I need
you guys to do

is to minimize his role in
these shots as much as possible

and see if we can incorporate
our new female vocalist, who's

right over there.

The makeup artist?

Right.

Yeah.

Marc thinks she's
a makeup artist.

But the rest of the
band is on board.

They know what the deal is.

So when
you say minimize Marc--

I mean I don't want
to see him one bit.

I don't want to see
him in any shots.

If I do, I'm gonna freak
out and break your stuff.

OK.

I think Marc's probably
gonna pick up on the fact

that he's not--

Well, he better not because
that's why we came here.

That's why we came
to Portrait Studio.

You guys are the professionals.

I know you can get it done, OK?

This is the Raptor
G6 series, huh?

Yeah, I got my nephew one.

And he broke it.

I think he's .

Marc, could you take

a small step to your right?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Maybe one more?

Yeah.

A little bit more?

I literally feel like you
can't see me over here, though.

Oh, no, you're great.

You're great.

Grace, could you get in and
powder Benj a little bit?

There we go.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Right, yeah, yeah.

- Oops.
- I'll get it.

Thank you.

So, guys, we're gonna
mess with the formation

a little bit.

Benj, could you
jump up top left?

We'll have you guys switch.

Is that cool, going over there?

Perfect.
Let's try that.

Ooh.

Hey, Marky Shark
and the Funky Bunch,

I got your mom on the phone.

I don't know why
she'd be calling you.

Eh, I don't know.

OK.

Hello.

Ma?

There's no one there, Gary.

And your phone stinks.

Yeah, am I right?
Am I right?

Yeah?

All right.

Get back up there.

Hey, Gary, you
know, I can't help

but feeling like you're cutting
me out of this thing, man.

Uh, let's do this, Marc.

Why don't we do one where you're
the center of the photo, OK?

You'll be the focal point.

Yeah.

Can you guys pick Marc up?
How about that?

That'd be fun.
- Yeah.

I guess so.
OK, yeah.

Great.
- Awesome.

- All right.
- Let's do that.

We can see where it goes.

That's good.

- Oh, man.
- Oh, yeah.

He's the lead singer, guys.

Let's really put him up there.

Yeah, really
lift him up there.

We're so proud
of our lead singer.

Oh, he's so good.

What the ?

Guys, I think we're good.

I think we got what we need.

You have some really
nice options there.

Great job, guys.
Awesome.

Thanks, Garrett.

We'll see you
back at the hotel.

Great.

Garrett, you know,
can I talk to you, man?

I feel like we didn't really
get what we came here to get.

Oh, don't sweat it, Shark.

Tomorrow, we got a private
shoot with you and Ansel Adams.

It's gonna be great.

Gary, Ansel
Adams is dead, man.

Did I say Ansel Adams?

I meant to say
that you're fired.

That
was a crazy game of poker.

Hey, Benj, it's
blazing in here.

Why don't you pop that top off?

I lost it all.

But someday I'll be back again.

Really?

All right.

Thanks, guys.

What the ?

Man?

Yeah?

You like food?

You mean like ?

Yeah.

I love the stuff.

Yeah, I can't get enough.
- Cool.

So that's it.

Stonehenge is finished.

Good job building Stonehenge.

Yeah.

I guess I just want to get
your feedback, you know,

things that we liked,
what we didn't like,

maybe what we could do
differently moving forward.

Uh, well, I really
like the stone placement.

OK.
It's top-notch.

Yeah.

Across the board, great
stone placement, Catherine.

Thank you.

You know, putting this stone
here as opposed to there,

or putting that stone
there as opposed to here,

like, I wouldn't have
known to do that.

That was actually
a really tough call.

It was the right call.

Some stones are
standing by themselves.

And other stones are standing
next to another stone

with a third stone on top
of the first two stones.

And you like that.

Very much.

That was actually my idea.

That was a great idea.

Thank you so much.

You know, at first,
I was initially

hesitant about putting one
stone on top of two stones.

I just wasn't sure if
we were on brand or not.

Anyway, I see that
I was wrong now,

and I just wanted to apologize.

There is no need to apologize.
No.

No.
- I'm so happy with what we did.

Yeah.

I mean, just to echo
everyone, the stone placement,

it couldn't be better.

It's-- oh, it's amazing.

It's really amazing.

I guess I just have one--

one small concern.

What's that, April?

Well, I'm just
not sure if future

generations are gonna know
the Stonehenge is for ...

How do you mean?

No, no, I mean, it's
clear to us, you know,

that Stonehenge is a
place to go and

and is positioned in a way
to achieve maximum orgasm.

Right.

Right.

I mean, and believe me, I--

I have never came so hard, so
fast, so many times as when

I at Stonehenge.

But are other people
gonna know that?

How could you not know that?

How would Stonehenge be for
anything other than ??

I'm sorry.

I'm not following because
it's very clear to me.

You up against
stone number one, OK?

Your partner boosts
you up, and you

on tops of stones
three and four.

You hop on over to stone number
six, and you there.

Now, if you need
a break, you just,

you know, take a breather
on those boulder-like stones

in the middle.

Good call on the breather
stones, by the way.

You're welcome.
Yeah.

Then you have the option
to masturbate behind stones

eight or nine, you know?

Whatever you like.

And then, if you've
done everything

right, the whole place,
it just pulsates, right?

And then God comes
down to the Earth--

.

you bask in his holy light.

And then you and
your partner

God, and you climax
on stone number 12.

What is not-- what's not
clear about that, April?

Look, I get it, Dave, OK?

We've all at Stonehenge.

We've all together
at Stonehenge, all right?

We've all God at
Stonehenge, all right?

And it's been very freeing
spiritually, sexually.

But I'm not positive that
future generations are going

to understand that the
stone-to-stone placement is

ideal for -ing,-ing,
primarily because we

don't have a written language
to communicate it to them.

Well, maybe you
could have brought

that up in a planning meeting.

OK.

I mean, seriously, for a
minute, pretend that you're not

one of us, and
you're just seeing

Stonehenge for the first time.

What do you think
you do at this place?

Oh, damn it.

No.

She's right.

People are not gonna know
that it's for -ing.-ing.

They're gonna think it's for
killing goats or some shit.

Stonehenge might be a bust.

Ugh.

God, no.

We spent a thousand years
building this thing.

I mean, people were crushed
to death moving those stones.

You know what?

I've just-- I'm feeling
pretty low right now.

I just-- I need to step back,
take a walk, go to Stonehenge,

masturbate a little bit.

I'm just--

Do you want me
to come with you?

That'd be nice, yeah, if you
could just maintain eye contact

with me the entire time.

Of course.

Promise.

Absolutely, because
you need this now,

and I want to help you.

You're doing it
right now, aren't you?

Thank you.

Tim, it's so
nice of you to take

time out of your weird
artistic life to meet with us.

We were huge fans of
"Pee-pee's Big Adventure."

We love it.

More Pee-pee, please.

Could I meet Pee-pee?

Can you bring Pee-pee
to my birthday party?

Uh, OK.

All right.

So Edward Scissorhands, we just
love what you and Caroline did

with this quirky little script.

So first things first.

"Edward Scissorhands"--
the title doesn't exactly

roll off the tongue, does it?

People see that,
they think, what?

Scissors for hands?

I don't get it.

So I don't want to
be anywhere near it.

I suppose we could
change the title.

Or you can go the
extra mile and change

what that little freak
has for hands, ugh.

Yes.

Ugh, those big, nasty,
sharp scissor fingers,

oh, they're bad.

I mean, he can't
even pick up food

or do regular man things
with them, like touch a woman

or jerk himself off.

He just ends up trimming
hedges and cutting hair.

And that's a sad and
pathetic way to live.

Nobody wants to see a movie
about some loser day laborer.

So let's change that up.

Change the whole
conceit of the movie?

Uh, we're just asking
for a compromise here.

You know, a main character
should have big, nice, tanned,

veiny hands, something I can
imagine cupping my bingos,

you know?

The scissors make him
special and mysterious.

He's different
from everyone else.

So it's wrong and confusing.

How about he's just
wearing leather gloves?

And then, at the end, we
find out they're big, tanned,

veiny hands the whole time.

The lesson is you
never know what's

underneath someone's gloves.

Eddie Gloveman.
I love it.

I get it.
I like it.

I want to pay money
to look at it.

And I'll buy a big popcorn.

That's a pretty big change.

Well, uh, think about
it because your script

is pretty boring and crappy
until about page 40--

ooh, where we first meet
that sexy blond boyfriend.

Yeah.

He's rough and edgy,
and his girlfriend's

on the straight and narrow.

But let me tell you
something, Tim Burton.

That is a dynamic that every
audience wants to see develop,

OK?

And you barely have it in here.

We could just do
a movie about them,

cut out old nasty glovehands.

Glovehand lives
on some mansion

up on some dumb, dumb mountain.

So just get back to those
sexy suburban teens.

Well, I haven't agreed
on the glove hand thing.

And also, the boyfriend
is kind of the bad guy

in this situation.
Yeah.

That's why we're
telling you to fix it.

You did it wrong.

Use your scissorhands
to cut out all the crap.

There you go.

That's the one thing
that they might

be useful for
because right now, I

don't see them doing anything.

They certainly won't be
useful for making money--

No.

in the box office.

Yeah.

Where's the sex appeal in some
gray-skinned loser that's never

seen the light of day?

He's got terrible hair.

He wears all black.

He seems miserable.

He's a black impacted
turd of a human being.

I'm him.
He's me.

Eddie Blond.

Now, is that a movie,
or is that a movie?

No, Jim can't love
like Edward can.

That's the whole point.

Oh, my god.

This little
maggot won't budge.

OK, well, then, I'm sorry.

But we will have to
pass on your script.

You know what?

You can leave and take your
shroud of darkness with you.

Just a nasty piece of rubber.
Get out.

Oh, there he goes.

Take your leather
daddy freak with you,

too, OK, you dirty Q-tip?

You know, in the end,
there was something

kind of interesting about him.

Really?

Mm, but I'd way
rather do the blond guy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I want
to see in the movie.

Yes.

I love putting my hands behind
my back when I'm doing it.