Original subtitles

So I was at my 29th birthday party

and people were hounding me.

They were like, hey, what you going to choose?

Or hey, what are you going to do, you know.

And it was then I realized I had to get serious.

When a guy like me gets older, he

has to decide whether to go to grad school

or open a craft brewery.

Everyone likes beer.

But I like beer, extra, you know?

Most people drink one beer.

But then I'll drink like two beers or three beers.

I want to do something unique, you know.

Something only one million other guys want to do.

Hi, honey!

Hi mom.

Oh, come here.

My mom's kind of a bitch, but I love her.

The choice you make will affect the rest of your life.

I mean, not financially.

We'll pay for it.

But it will be the personality you adopt.

Well it's hard, because in grad school you can party.

That would be awesome.

If I open my own craft brewery,

I can drink as much beer as I want.

And my friends can drink there, too.

Well, it has to be one of those two.

I better get going.

Some gas money.

Thank you.

You drive safe, sweetie.

Oh.

My dad's kind of a dick, but I love him.

People think that there's other options out there, law school,

literally any other job.

But when you're creative, and you're chill,

and you're upper-middle-class, you

don't have any other options.

Come on, check it out.

So this is going to be the brewery

or the office or whatever.

That's where the brew tanks are going to be or the--

my desk.

I wish I could see into the future

and know which one would be less work.

,, this is so much pressure.

I got some kind of big news to tell you guys.

I'm going to go to grad school to learn how to brew beer.

Business school?

No.

We just make beer and drink it.

It's a special program at NYU.

Probably going to get pretty drunk.

Your grandpa would be so proud.

Thanks, dad.

I love you guys.

Oh, it's going to be wonderful.

I know it's not the end of my journey though.

Yes.

After my brewery goes out of business,

It's just going to get harder and harder.

I'm having to decide whether to work for my dad's company

or just let him pay my bills.

One step at a time, though.

One step at a time.

Hey, what's up guys?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Yo, what's up?

- Jordan and Clase? - Yes.

Jordan and Clase.

What kind of name is Clase?

It was my great grandparents last name.

Oh, cool. German?

- Yes, German. - Cool.

And when they passed away, that was going

to be the end of the name.

So they gave it to me as my first name.

That's cool, I like it.

Thank God it wasn't something like Schlumbergay,

or something. - Right?

This is my friend Greg Belo, by the way.

- Hello. - He's a famous chef.

Have you ever seen Greg's cooking show

on the cooking channel?

Mafia breakfast, you ever see Mafia Breakfast?

No, I haven't.

It's where guys in the mafia get together

and share like, you know, their health tips

and like how to eat right.

And, you know, it's a funny kind of take on like healthy eating

and the mafia.

It's like a weird show, but it's a really good show.

Where do you live now?

My parents' house.

You live with your-- how old are you?

- 24. - And you live where?

- My parents'. - And you're?

- 26. - And have a job.

Yes.

And why aren't you living on your own now?

Why?

I'm actually just in the process of looking for a house

now. - And you?

I was working in retail for a long time

because of the acting thing.

But how's the acting thing going for you?

It's actually going well.

I actually just got my first acting, paid acting,

gig for theater in "Butterflies Are Free."

You're doing "Butterflies Are Free."

Yes.

- Who's playing the blind guy? - They don't know yet.

I have to go to callbacks.

Greg Bello.

He'd be good for that part.

I heard they're canceling "Mafia Breakfast."

I want to expose, if you will, how well you know each other.

Question number one-- five years from now, are you married?

Yes or no.

To each other?

Yes or no.

Do you have children? Yes or no.

And how many.

And what city are you living in.

And the fifth question is, are you

going to live at his parents' house or your parents' house?

Too much thinking. - Yeah.

These aren't engineering questions.

And reveal.

Boom.

Yes, you're married.

Whoa!

Yes to each other.

No children. - No.

That's much more. No children.

No.

- You're in the Pitt area. - Yes.

Oakmont.

And he agreed with Pitt and Oakmont, but on--

- And no children. - And on no children.

But not married.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You're not married.

I don't know.

On the count of 3, you're going to say whether you're

in love with each other or not.

1, 2, 3.

Yes.

- Yes. - You stumbled.

You hesitated!

I said yes.

You seem like a somewhat--

I was going to say very--

but you seem like a somewhat emotionally constipated man.

The goal of this is not to make people feel uncomfortable,

but you don't see yourself getting married.

You said no to marriage.

Why?

In five years, it's tough.

I'm not really sure.

What if it was 10 years?

10 years, yeah.

OK.

What would you like to see change in the relationship?

More going-with-the-flow type of deal.

- Less by the script. - Yeah.

What do you want to see change in the relationship?

I think that sometimes--

I think, no. .

No if we're going to go here.

We're going to go here.

I think that sometimes he's not serious enough

and that bothers me sometimes.

Do you think you have the guts,

do you think you've got the balls to man up

and tell her that you don't want the same thing

if that were the case? - Yeah.

If you felt she wanted something

and you didn't want it, you'd set her free.

I feel like we're both really on the same page

and, you know, I think we're not in any hurry

to get married and settle down.

So you guys are happy?

Of course.

What you have, it's working for you.

Right? - Yeah.

Definitely.

What the future holds, you're not quite sure.

What about if she wants to go to New York for her acting career?

Cross that bridge when we come to it.

It's kind of a Pittsburgh pun.

We'll cross that bridge.

If you move to New York, I recommend

you move to Maspeth, Queens.

It's kind of the Pittsburgh of New York.

You don't know what it means now.

Yeah.

Let me give you a piece of advice.

Go on a trip somewhere together, just the two of you.

Get out of that house.

Yeah.

I'm Andrew Ford and I love food

and I love sharing it with others.

So, today, I'm going to review some food that you can get

near the Above Average offices.

Come on.

Let's go.

All right, let's start with those lunches.

We got here the Above Average fridge.

I'm going to go for this, little sandwich from Carl.

Give this baby a bite.

It's turkey.

Yuck.

Turkey and cheese.

American cheese, which I hate.

So, Carl, it's a bad sandwich.

Carl's turkey sandwich, I give two out of two Thanksgivings.

Which is bad because I hate Thanksgiving.

OK.

Why don't we go with this?

Looks homemade.

I love homemade meals.

Huh.

I do not know what this is.

Most of the time I look at food I know what it is.

Something died to make this and I'll tell you

what it is in one hot second.

I know I don't like broccoli, so I don't know why I did that.

I give it one out of six mystery meats.

We have this cantaloupe here.

I saw Ryan bringing this in to the office this morning.

He usually gets mad at me when I eat his lunches,

so this is going to feel pretty good.

Ryan, you sneaky son of a bitch.

There is sushi inside this cantaloupe.

This is so good.

Ryan, very nice work.

Very nice form on these.

Rolled them up nice and tight.

Oh.

I would rate this sushi 10 out of 10 sushis

because it's so good and I ate all 10

pieces that were in here.

Go with this box.

It's big.

Has a specific note--

"Do not open!

Andrew."

Sounds like a challenge.

It's a happy birthday cake to Patty.

Looks like vanilla.

It's not my favorite flavor.

This is the guts of the cake.

I call it the body of the cake.

Going to take a bite.

I would have appreciated a red velvet, or an ice cream cake,

or maybe a big cookie cake.

But this-- this is not for me.

Having to eat it is a bit of a chore.

Five out of five birthdays.

No, wait.

One out of five birthdays because I hate it.

The best lunch of the day--

I think that was pretty clear-- was

Ryan sushi in the cantaloupe.

It was delicious.

It was homemade.

It was perfectly balanced.

I really wish Ryan could have had a bite

because he did a great job.

Everybody, thank you so much for watching Lunch Reviews.

I will see you next week if I don't get fired

and we will talk about what people brought in then.

Congratulations.

You're about to take the first step towards your new family.

We're psyched to help you determine if you're

ready for modern parenthood.

Before we begin, are you sure you want to have a child?

Great.

Buckle up and let's get started.

We'd like to emphasize that caring for a child

requires financial responsibility.

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OK.

Where do you plan to raise your child?

Please select your region now.

OK.

OK.

Park Slope.

Insufficient funds.

Average annual expenses to raise a child in this area

are $75,000.

Please try again.

Astoria.

Thank you.

Are you sure you want to have a child?

Great.

Let's move on.

Please put your finger in the DNA deposit reservoir below.

Sorry for the pinch.

Uh-oh.

Looks like your biofeedback raises some concerns

we will now address.

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Do you acknowledge the risk that your child

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Thank you.

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Do you acknowledge that your child will likely

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crippling anxiety, and profound lifelong depression?

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Do you acknowledge that your child will likely

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We wish your child the long and happy life.

See you.

Well, that's it.

I guess we're doing this.

I love you.

I love you.

I hate you, Ma.

Shh.

Shh.

I wish I was dead.

I hate you, Mom.

I wish I was--

Portrait Stu-Stu-Studio,

I just hope I'm nothing like either of you when I grow up.

You take that back.

It's not the time.

Oh, should we talk about it later tonight

when you're drunk. - Trent!

- Young man! - Oh, sorry.

Let's just smile and pretend we don't hate each other.

A few drinks a night is OK.

You have like four cocktails before you even drive

me to school in the morning. - Four cocktails!

They are small cocktails.

Before you go to school!

They are very small.

Who likes jokes?

What kind of bees make milk?

I'm agnostic.

Boobies.

How that ends up when you go to Hades!

Are you kidding me, Dad?

And you're not any better.

What?

That's right.

What grown man collects Pez dispensers in the way

that you do.

Yeah, .

They're worth money.

They're not going to be worth money.

Big money.

Uh, hey, guys.

Hey, guys, who likes songs?

You want me to sing?

I can sing for you. Oh, the camptown races

sing this song, doo-da, doo-da.

The camptown race track's five miles long.

Oh, the doo-da day.

Going to run all night!

I'm going to run all day.

Oh, I'll bet my money on a bobtail nag,

somebody bet on the gray.

Any brothers and sisters.

I don't know.

She doesn't let me sleep with her, Trent.

Honey, you know that's because of my skin disease.

You ever dry hump psoriasis?

It's not a flume ride.

No, I haven't tried.

That's not your fault. That's a great song.

I love it.

How could I get a job?

You won't let me get my license.

Why would we?

You would crash the car or you would set it on fire!

You would take a dump on the hood.

Why would I do that?

So-- hey.

Could I just use the bathroom if I wanted to?

We're waiting for that day, son.

We're waiting.

Oh, my God, because I had one accident,

One.

I sure hate when families fight.

There isn't a on the East Coast--

Me too.

You and you're a irritable bowel.

It's rough!

Can we just take a photo in these outfits.

off.

You apologize to that puppet.

And apologize to that gay puppeteer.

How do you know he doesn't identify as queer?

This is--

Sometimes I wish I could go back 17 years

and make an alternate choice about family planning.

Holy, Mary Mother of God.

You're not alone there, sister.

That's real nice to hear.

These people are impossible.

When she called she said they've never had a picture

where they're all smiling.

Believe me.

Knowing what happened, I'm glad--

There's only one thing left to do.

No.

All right.

I'll stay behind the camera.

Why don't you go get ready.

First it was roller blades.

Then it was the eyeliner.

What else are you going to get mad about?

Oh, how much time do we have?

That haircut?

You smell odd.

Oh, god.

Why is it so dark? Where's the light switch?

Trent, did you turn off the lights?

No, Dad.

Trent, turn on the lights.

What do you think I am, a magician?

A punk. A telekinetic?

He didn't do it. He's right here.

Oh! - Jeez!

Oh!

Trent?

Did he hurt you? Yeah.

No. I don't know.

What was that?

A gorilla.

Oh, thank god.

Thank God.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh, honey.

Over here.

We got it.

We scared the smile into you.

It's just a gorilla mask.

Yeah.

Portrait Stu-Stu-Studio.

Everybody, Welcome to "Never Seen It,"

a show where we talk about a popular movie

that we've never seen and try to guess what it's about.

Today we have Melanie, Steve, and Brody,

and we are talking about "Jurassic Park."

Welcome to Jurassic Park.

What do you think this movie's about?

Dinosaurs.

OK.

Second that.

It's about people playing God.

Oof.

We're getting into some deep themes of this movie.

Man destroys God.

Man creates dinosaurs.

First question-- where is Jurassic Park?

Or, let's put a simpler question out there,

what is Jurassic Park?

Theme park?

Mm-hmm.

About dinosaurs.

Did the dinosaurs come to life?

It's on an island.

So it's a theme park about dinosaurs, possibly

with dinosaurs, on an island.

In California?

California?

That sounds right to me.

Who are the main stars of this movie?

- Jeff Goldblum. - OK.

So Jeff's in it.

Do you know what Jeff's part is?

Skeptic.

- Skeptic? - Yeah.

He's the one who's like, I wouldn't do that.

What you call discovery I call the rape of the natural world.

Isn't Newman in it?

Newman the actor from "Seinfeld"?

Yes.

I can't answer that question.

I'm totally unappreciated in my time.

There's three main visitors to this island that are all adults

and then there's two kids.

Jeff Goldblum, I'll give you one of them.

There's two more adults.

Helen Hunt.

Helen Hunt.

It's not a bad guess.

They do have real dinosaurs.

How did they get these dinosaurs?

DNA.

Mm-hmm.

From some sort of fossil or preserved in amber or something

like that.

Was it an insect?

What happens to make all the terribly unsafe--

yet exciting for the viewer--

stuff happen?

So it was Jeff Goldblum.

He's trying to prove a point.

He doesn't agree with any of this because he's a skeptic.

Uh-huh.

And he's like, you know what?

I'm going to sabotage this whole thing to prove my point.

Jeff Goldblum did it on purpose to prove his point.

Yes.

OK.

Here's a quote and I want you to finish this.

Hold on to your blank.

Butts.

Hold on to your butts.

Here's the first photo, and I want you guys to tell

me what you think is happening.

That's Newman.

Uh-huh.

He's got some sort of viscous fluid on his face.

Uh-huh.

Is that poop?

He wasn't pooped out, was he?

OK.

I'm going to move on to the next one.

He was definitely pooped out.

That was one big pile of shit.

Guys, congratulations.

You got this movie right.

I'd say you did pretty good for not

having seen "Jurassic Park."

Would you see this movie now that what it's about?

Yeah.

No.

Why not?

Because I already know it's about.

We're getting some weird comments on the new video.

Ben, can I make you my wife?

Do I respond to that?

Hey, do you guys remember that Wall Street guy

that I matched with on Tinder?

You're going to need to be much more specific.

Was it Brandon Brandon?

No, he got married.

Anyway, so I went out to dinner with this guy

last night, right?

And then at the end of it he hands me a $20 bill.

Wow.

Sarah, you're a sugar baby!

Wait.

You mean, like, he's my sugar daddy?

No, you're a sugar baby.

He paid you for your presence at dinner.

My friend makes so much cash doing that.

Really?

These sugar babies, they sleep with the people?

They can if they want.

It's sort of like up to them.

You can do everything.

You can do nothing.

You can get paid to do everything?

- That's prostitution, Ben. - Oh, right.

Yeah.

God, now that I think about it, he did pick the restaurant.

Oh, and he told me what to wear.

I thought he was just, like, taking charge.

Wait a minute-- does this mean that he

thinks I'm worth 20 bucks?

Sounds nice to me.

I mean, no girl's ever paid for my dinner.

Well, except Mae.

Who's Mae?

She's this old lady who lives next door.

She takes you to really nice dinners

and I send her pics because I'm her favorite boy.

And do you, like, massage her shoulders?

Yeah, if they're sore.

- Oh, what? - What?

Oh, my god. Am I a sugar baby?

Yes.

No.

Ben, you have a sugar mama.

She buys you meals but there's no exchange of cash.

Cool. Cool.

Cool.

I'm fine with that.

This is like one 3D movie ticket.

Are they taking advantage of you or

are you guys taking advantage of them?

This is a large pizza.

I am the equivalent of a large pizza.

God, I didn't think that taking this made me a sugar baby.

I just wanted to go on a date.

Are you going to keep it?

Why shouldn't she?

People make money off of women's looks all the time.

But the moment that a woman wants to make money off

of her own looks, we give her side eye

and I'm not there for it, OK?

My mom is a sugar baby.

My grandma was a sugar baby.

Also, none of you should even worry about this anyways.

You're not hot enough to be sugar babies.

How dare you.

Yeah, tell that to Mae.

You are correct but I do not like that you said it.

Hey.

I'm here to interview for Haley's babies.

Give, me 5 minutes, sweets, I'll see you in room A.

You got it.

What?

I'm mentoring him.

What?

For money.

- Oh, - Oh, for money.

Yeah, yeah.