Original subtitles

Oh my god, guys.

I am obsessed with this new podcast.

It's called "Pool."

Each episode highlights a different community

pool in the Toronto Metro Area.

I just started a podcast called "Will."

Two middle-aged lawyers named Will read the wills

of other men named Will.

What about you, Amy?

What podcasts are you listening to?

Actually, I'm not really into podcasts.

Surely, you listen to Marc Maron's "WTF,"

a serious look at the comedy makers of today.

No.

I-- I prefer music.

Um, we're all pod people here, Amy.

I thought you were, too.

We don't like to be alone with our own thoughts.

We like a dry, low quality recording

of someone else's thoughts stuffed into our brains

Yeah.

What you just described is exactly why

I don't like podcasts.

That's too bad because you're in one right now.

Hello.

And welcome to podcast, the podcast

where we go to parties and record conversations

about podcasts.

Hi, Amy.

You monster.

Who would ever listen to that?

Someone will listen.

Someone's always listening.

Ira Glass.

Act one, a woman attends a party.

MailChimp.

MailChimp.

Sarah Koenig.

The Radio Lab.

Act two, the woman listens to podcasts.

Stamps.com.

Feed me, Father Nerdist.

Act three, the woman becomes one of us.

I love Serial.

Season two is not as good but I'm going to stick with it.

No.

Podcast are just dry out nerds reading

their PowerPoint Presentations about history and true crime.

I'll never be a pod person.

Never.

Never.

6th Ave and 15th Street, please.

OK.

MARC MARON [ON Hey, folks.

Maron here.

And on today's "WTF," we're going to be

listening to me play guitar.

Act four, there's no escape.

Hi.

Welcome to "Never Seen It," where

we take a popular movie that we've never seen

and try to guess what it's about.

I'm Glenn.

And today, I'm here with Andrew, Celeste, and Matt.

And they have never seen the movie "The Fault In Our Stars."

What do you know about this movie?

Oh, boy.

Ugh, I do know it's about cancer kids in love.

It's about something about cancer.

I don't know if both kids have cancer,

but definitely, one of them does.

You guys think both of them have cancer?

- I do. - OK.

Yeah, who--

In our stars.

Oh.

You've just got a touch of cancer.

Who are the main characters in this movie?

Shailene Woodley.

Do you know what her character's name is?

It's got to be like a cool off-kilter name, like Char,

So these two lead characters, Char, and what was the-- what

did you say the guy's name was? - Like, Dylan.

Yeah. Let's say Dylan.

It's like a classic hot guy name.

I'm Hazel.

I'm Augustus Waters.

In the big crux of this movie, a big part of this movie

is that they take a trip.

So where do you think they go, and what do you think they do?

They probably have been told, you can't go on a big trip.

Like, you have to get better.

But they're like, no, YOLO.

And then they go.

Oh, yeah.

They say YOLO a bunch of this movie

because this movie was written like two years ago

when YOLO was hot.

And they were like, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO.

Yeah, yeah.

So Anne Frank plays a big role in this movie.

Oh.

What?

Why?

What role--

Why does this have to have the Holocaust and cancer?

Yeah.

It's like choose one.

I think that's like one of the rules of filmmaking.

Choose one.

Choose one.

She reads the diary of Anne Frank for school.

That's what I'm going to say.

Char and Dylan have a friend.

So this friend actually loses something very important

during the movie.

What is this?

Virginity.

Yeah, I think that's what it is too.

It's the most important thing you can lose in high school,

maybe.

In high school, people were talking about their V cards

all the time.

You got to lose it.

I'm blind, but I'm not that blind.

Willem Dafoe is in this movie.

The Goblin?

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Willem Dafoe plays a pretty large role in this film.

So he's the Green Goblin.

He's the bad doctor.

Is he the villain?

Wait, is he--

I'm not gonna answer that.

cancer personified?

Oh.

Char and Dylan actually have a little thing

they say to each other.

What do you think that might be?

YOLO.

I think it's--

It's YOLO?

Hang in there, buddy.

Hang on, Mary Jane!

I want you guys to describe the scene with the eggs,

if you can imagine what the egg scene is.

OK.

So they're in the kitchen where you keep eggs.

And they're trying to bake something.

Chard drops one.

And it's like a fragility of life.

And then he's like, hey, it's not that serious.

And he drops an egg.

Yes.

And then she drops another egg,

and then they end up wasting the entire dozen eggs.

And they're laughing and they're having a good time.

And then William Dafoe walks in and he's like, what?

It's Willem Dafoe.

I'm not going to say that.

I'm so sorry to say this, but you lost.

Oh.

I'm not suppressed.

Yeah, I was expecting that.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you care so much

about your silly questions?

Go yourself.

The general idea of the movie you kind of got right,

but all of the specifics were absolutely incorrect.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

Absolutely.

Welcome.

Hey, how's it going?

- Hey, Judah, how are you doing? - I'm Chad.

Nice to meet you. - Allie.

Good to see you. My name is Judah.

I'm not only the world champion, but I am an internationally

renowned love expert.

So, did you guys meet in real life or in-person?

We met through a friend.

OK, I call that real life.

Ask him what did he think

the moment he laid eyes on her?

Well, I thought she was really pretty.

That's for sure.

She is.

You guys are a good looking couple.

Well-done. - Thank you.

Pittsburgh has good looking people.

All right, so ask them4 how long

have they been together now?

Now, how long have you two been together?

Well, we've been together for four, going on five months now.

Yeah. Cool.

How many kids do you have?

None.

OK.

Hold on, the cops are here.

They might need me for backup.

Hold on a second.

Like, what about your parents?

What do your parents think of each other?

My mom went on a date with him not too long ago.

- Yeah, we went shopping. - Like, she took him out.

We like, went shopping.

This is getting really kinky now.

Hold on a second.

You guys been going out for five months.

You seem like you're perfect for each other.

But I want to know, like, how much

and how well do you really know each other?

So what are you doing five years from now?

Are you married?

Do you have kids?

If so, how many?

And where are you living?

Chad's actually counting on his fingers, five years.

So this is interesting.

To interpret these results, I'm actually

going to bring in a colleague of mine who I

trained at the Love Institute.

So he's going to be joining us in a second.

He might be a little intimidating first,

but he's an expert at what he does.

Well-done. Here I come.

This is Alec.

How are you?

My god.

You want me in or out? You want to be a--

You stay.

You want some alone time with them?

OK.

We can't-- I can't do this a little.

OK, reveal.

Yes, you're married.

He says, not married.

I mean, you didn't say anything about kids.

So right away, we know you're not a very good listener.

Is he a bad listener?

Is that one of maybe the slight issues in the relationship?

You and I are going to talk.

As a matter of fact, cone of silence.

Put on the cone of silence.

Am I right?

This answer really disturbed me, looking for a house.

So in five years, his goal was to not have a house,

but to finally have the courage to start looking.

Chad, if you F this up, I'm going to have you kill, man.

You're going to be shopping for your grocery shit one day,

and you're going to be putting the groceries

in the back of the car.

And another car is going to go, boom, and hit you from behind.

Anyway, I'm married now.

I got remarried.

And it's the greatest thing of my life.

I have an older daughter from my first marriage.

I have a little kid and my wife is pregnant with another kid.

I'm 57 years old, and I'm going to have two kids

under two years old come July.

Oh, god!

Anyway, yeah, so I'm going to have two little kids.

But I remember when I was young, they were like that girl.

Like, you could have made it happen.

This isn't for you, man.

It's never going to get better for you than this.

You're right, though.

You're absolutely right.

I want you to look in each other's eyes right now.

Now, repeat after me, Allison--

Allison--

I want to make a pledge to you--

I want to make a pledge to you--

that I'm going to be true to you--

that I'm going to be true to you

because you are a smoking hot woman--

because you're a smoking hot woman--

you're a fabulous person.

a fabulous person.

And if I F this up--

And if I F this up--

I have to set you free.

I'll set you free.

I think my exact words were, I have to set you free.

And you're improvising and I don't like that, by the way.

But go ahead.

Now, Allison.

Yes.

I want you to say, Chad--

Chad--

If/when we get married--

If/when we get married--

we are not naming our son Chad.

we are not naming her son Chad.

Or Chad Jr.

What's wrong, baby?

Oh, nothing.

It's just my old college is asking for money.

I'll just unsubscribe.

It's all going to be OK.

Hello?

WOMAN [ON THE I'm calling

from College University.

Would you like to make a donation?

You've called me six times this week.

Can you please stop?

Our university depends on the gen--

Listen, I'm still paying off student loans

from going to your college in the first place.

Damn, I'm tripping.

They won't stop calling me!

What do I do?

Just make it stop, Michelle.

It's the house phone.

It's not 2004.

We don't have a house phone.

No.

I can't help you!

I major in communications!

9-1-1.

What's your emergency?

My college won't stop calling me.

And they keep changing their number

so that I don't know it's them.

Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am.

But did you ever think about the benefits

of donating to your university?

What do you want?

We use the money to print more flyers.

And wonderful.

Now, can I just get your zip code, please?

90406.

Thank you so very much.

We really appreciate your donation.

Here's a free tote bag.

Where's my boyfriend?

Is he dead?

Did you kill Scoop?

You'll meet someone else.

Welcome to our Above Average music video.

Boy, just open up that door just a little more.

Just a little more.

Can't get in.

OK, just open up the door.

I'm not going to do anything crazy.

I promise.

We broke up, and then I fell apart.

Came by your job, and I flipped the mail cart.

The chick was in my way, and you were looking hot.

But then you called the cops, and they restrained my heart.

1,500 feet away, so I tried to call you.

Went straight to voicemail.

I sent a tweet too.

Refriend on Facebook, but there was no response.

Got my binoculars.

Your room is really dark.

September 31st, that means it's Halloween.

And we'll open up the door for trick-or-treat.

I've been waiting so long to see you face to face.

And now there's kids around you, so you won't use mace.

Oh my god.

I so want to be in your house right now.

I think you're so funny.

I ring your bell.

It's trick-or-treat.

You see some kids, and then there's me.

Why can't we work it out?

Why don't you let me in?

So what, I'm creepy, baby?

It's Halloween.

Please don't shut the door.

I need to plead my case.

I'll AirHeads.

Can I please touch your face?

Don't be mad, boy.

Just me let me in your place.

And check out my costume.

Mitt Romney and Bane.

It's October 31st.

That means it's Halloween.

And we'll open up the door for that trick-or-treat.

I've been waiting so long to see you face to face.

And now there's kids around you, so you won't use mace.

With every ghoul that passes by, another pain strikes my heart.

It may be the day of death, but Halloween's a brand new start.

Don't you love my costume?

Is it great?

Don't you love it?

Do you love me?

Tell me you like my costume.

Will you open up the ,, please?

It's October 31st.

That means it's Halloween.

And we'll open up the door for that trick-or-treat.

I've been waiting so long to see you face to face.

And now there's kids around you, so you won't use mace.

It's October 31st, that means it's Halloween.

And we'll open up the door for that trick-or-treat.

I've been waiting so long to see you face to face.

And now there's kids around you, so you won't use mace.

Let go!

You don't understand. He's my boyfriend!

Stop resisting.

Don't use mace in their face.

I'm obsessed with you.

That address is 1-9.

Is that correct?

One call.

Briefed on that, please.

All right, we're turning around

so you can all get a better look at the Statue of Liberty

and not me.

I'm a genuine tourist attraction,

and you're all getting suckered by that bronze statue

the French gave us.

Who here is from Korea?

That's all I got.

Please give a warm welcome for the wonderful Jim Tews,

everyone.

Oh, this is perfect.

This is a perfect setup.

Do you like cats?

I love my cats.

I have two cats.

They were an accident.

You know how that goes.

When you're drinking, fooling around on Petfinder.

Next thing you know, two little miracles.

I don't have kids.

I'll talk to people with kids about my cats

like they're my kids.

I have a friend with a human infant.

And he's like, I haven't slept in weeks.

And I'm like, yeah, I know what you mean, man.

I got two six-month-olds at home and they

won't stop biting my feet.

I'm competing with a helicopter right now.

I'm being heckled by aircraft.

I bought a mattress recently, a huge purchase for me.

I was sleeping on a futon for 10 years.

The worst part of it was when I would bring a lady home.

We'd be making out on the couch.

I'd be like do you want to move over to the bed?

She'd be like, sure.

And I'd be, like, stand up.

And then I'd pull it out, brush the crumbs off.

And I'd say, what do you mean you

don't want to do it anymore?

What happened between the living room and the bedroom

that changed your mind?

Thank you all so much.

You've been a wonderful audience, and you have no idea.

Good night.

Portrait stu-- stu-- studio.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You're a good doggy.

Yes, you are.

Good doggy.

Guess your dog doesn't like to be on camera,

huh?

I have no idea where that dog came from.

OK, so you're running for office.

That's correct.

I'm running for County Water Resources Commissioner.

Oh, great.

That's awesome.

And you need photos for the posters I guess?

That's correct, for my campaign.

I'm going to variety of posters throughout the county.

Great.

There was a woman out there who said the dog was hers.

She wearing a sun hat?

She got a hat.

It was a sun hat.

So good to know they're reunited.

So, water commissioner, what a--

It's a very important position.

And a lot of times people don't think about water and what it

means to them every single day.

Over half the county is water.

That's a lot.

90% of your body is water.

And yet we get rid of it on a constant basis.

That seems high.

We get rid of it?

Several fire departments seem to think

that water can just be flushed away at a moment's notice.

Well, they're putting out fires.

Some of what they do is putting out fires.

So the campaign posters--

Yes.

so I'm guessing it will be a shot

of your head with your name?

And my shoulders and my chest as well.

Sure.

I don't want it to be just my head like the woman

in the glass jar or something.

That would be strange.

And I'd also like to have my name on there, Burt Campbell

right at the top.

That's the kind of work you do do, isn't it?

We do do that.

Hey, you, fire department, get out!

Exclamation point.

And I'll tack it up right there at the fire station.

I don't think they'll keep that up.

Children, stop playing with water.

Have fun in the dirt.

That's a slogan?

I'm sorry.

I guess-- I don't need to understand.

Another slogan, aquarium, fish don't need so much water.

Get out!

So, Burt, we're just going to-- let's get a couple

of pictures of you here.

Can you smile for me?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just going to--

Ow!

That's a waste of water.

Ow.

Maybe there's a lot of--

you're holding a lot of tension up here.

Could you just lower your shoulders a little bit?

I can't It's an injury, both shoulders.

OK, that's OK.

Then, we'll do--

Got hit by a ladder from a fire truck.

Just a little boy and a little dog

playing out on the street on a summer day, having fun.

Woo, woo, woo, comes the fire truck around the corner.

Boom, the ladder falls off.

It wasn't hooked properly, you see?

It hits the little boy.

It hits the dog.

And then it hits me.

Two weeks ago.

And that's what prompted me to run for County

Water Resources Commissioner.

Wow!

I'd like to put that on my poster.

OK, maybe we put a link to the website

and we put all of that on the website.

I don't have a website.

Hey, you, get off the internet!

I do not have a website.

Can I talk to you?

Yeah.

have no idea how to pose this guy.

I don't either.

I honestly want him out of here.

OK.

Let me just--

Hey, you, bottled water companies, stop wasting water.

Hey, you,

Christopher Columbus, stop sailing those seas!

Hey, you, enjoy drinking sand.

Hey, you, sun hat, give me that dog!

See you at the polls.

Portrait stu-- stu--

studio.