Original subtitles

There are millions of stories in the world.

Some are told through the wine-stained teeth

of a divorcee.

Some are told to the squeaks of a mouse trapped in your mouth

that your frat brothers made you eat.

And others can only be told from the trunk of a car.

This is one of those stories.

Prom night.

Gonna get drunk.

Laid.

Make lasting memories we carry with us

for the rest of our lives.

And hate everyone.

Seniors!

Going by yourself tonight, kid?

- Yeah. - Hah.

That's OK.

I went stag to my prom, and we turned out all right.

Yeah.

Yeah, we did.

Well, I'm sure Hemingway had a chaperone before he

published his first novel.

All right.

Let's prom.

Consider that punch the Intercontinental Railroad,

because it's about to get spiked.

Why'd you fail history?

Nah, man.

History failed us.

Gay wad.

Gah!

Jesus, kid.

How long were you standing there?

Nobody will dance with me.

Bitches.

They don't know what they want.

What do you want?

Punch.

Then go in there and drink as much punch as you want.

No one's going to say no to that.

OK.

Yeah, I'll go drink a bunch of punch, Mr. Henries.

Did you just say "bitches?"

Everyone's being really cool tonight.

There's no one to hate.

I think I'll just hate myself.

I'm gonna go sleep with Mr. Henries.

Slut!

I know.

Man, you think we'll stay in touch after high school?

Did Paul Revere ride across the sleeping New England

to warn the common folk that the hated British were coming?

Yes?

Then stop being so gay!

Hey, Mr. Henries.

Feel like inspecting the student body?

Yeah, well.

I could use more student aids.

What? Ew.

No, I don't--

I don't have AIDS. I want AIDS.

Oh, screw it.

I'll just go sleep with that limo driver.

Stupid.

Are you happy now, mom?

Do I make you proud?

Condom race.

Unless you're gay.

You know what, man?

I am gay.

That's great, brah.

Embrace that, like the ancient Greeks.

Yeah.

You're right.

I'm gonna go find a strong, older male figure to guide

me through my sexual awakening.

Thanks for the support.

Oh, hey.

You're gonna need these!

God!

Good night, my sweet prince.

So if you're the most popular girl in school,

then why did Carrie Vickers win prom queen?

I don't know, but that's why we're dumping pig's blood.

Will you help?

OK.

This is pig's blood!

Yeah, yeah.

Laugh it up.

But I saved that girl.

Wait a second.

Pig's blood?

Teenagers?

Prom night?

Like that Stephen King book.

How did you fail English?

Damn jock.

It's a prom for the books.

I learned that love is stronger than hate.

I learned that those who don't remember the past

are condemned to repeat it.

I learned that punch is good.

You guys want to go ride in my limo?

Yeah.

Seniors!

.

Everything's OK.

God, I hate the women's room.

Evening, miss.

Hi.

Natasha the .

I know who you are.

Big fan.

You're very funny.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Are you are you looking for someone, or?

No.

Just like your privacy.

You know, I understand.

My mother was the same way.

She never liked it when anyone knew what

she was doing in the bathroom.

You know, she used to put headphones on me whenever

she used to go to the bathroom.

I could put headphones on if you like.

- No. - No.

OK.

Oh.

Here you go.

So you having a good night?

Yup.

That's great.

So just let me know if I could be of any service.

Hold this.

Sure, yeah.

It's pretty crazy out there tonight, huh?

Lot of people talking and dancing?

Shut up.

OK.

I didn't mean any offense, you know.

I just get nervous and then--

Is that like really elaborate lipstick?

No?

That's a gun--

Shut up.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry that I told you to shut up.

You can't be in here.

This is the ladies' room.

Hey.

Look at me.

I'm just an actress.

You didn't see anything.

And there are no nuclear weapons in Los Angeles.

Do you understand? - Yeah.

Uh-huh.

She has an active sex drive and he's always too tired

and turns her pretty much down daily.

What?

We should just start with Judah reading the notes.

Hi.

Alec.

- I'm Dave. - Sup.

Judah. How's it going?

I'm Britney. - Judah.

Dave and Britney?

Britney and Dave.

You look familiar.

Really?

You don't know who he is?

It's OK.

I'm an internationally renowned relationship expert.

Yeah, he went to my dad's school.

How long you been together now?

We were dating for almost three years,

but officially boyfriend and girlfriend

for a year and a half?

What, you dated other people?

I didn't date other people.

I don't know if he dated other people.

He did.

- No, I-- - It took you a while.

Why?

Because the way my past relationships went.

My last breakup was bad.

Well, not bad, but it just felt like that it was on and off,

on and off that I said I'm not getting back in a relationship.

How does he compare to the other boyfriends you've had?

Oh, you can't even compare them.

Why?

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

They're all jerks.

They were?

Lying, cheating, drugs--

So they were cheaters?

Yes.

Are you attracted to a bad boy type or did you used to be?

No, no.

The whole lying thing plays a huge factor in that.

I've been there.

Is there something missing from your relationship?

Romance.

Yes.

Sorry.

That's all right.

He's tired, he's busy, ----

Tired, busy.

Working from 4:00 in the morning till 8:00 at night.

And you're saying there's not a lot of action going on.

Not much.

I mean, once a week.

Maybe.

Once every two weeks.

Yeah.

How do you feel your performance in the romance

department shapes up?

I lack it sometimes because I am wiped out.

You are?

Yeah, I am.

How do we bring the romance back here?

You a porn guy?

You into porn?

No, no, no.

Maybe you're too tired because--

I am. I watch a lot of porn.

I watch-- - It's already gone.

Greg in the front here, he was in the adult entertainment

business.

He was a huge porn star.

And he'll tell you, you got to--

it's a job.

You think he'd go to work and want to bang all these women.

No way.

But he knew it was a job he had to do.

You got a job you gotta do.

Do you go on dates? - Yeah.

A lot, actually.

Where do you go?

Well, we're in a routine.

I should say.

Mondays, we go to wings.

Tuesday, we go to Mexican.

And you come home--

describe an evening.

We come home, put our pajamas on, and go to bed.

Replace wing night, let's make it ding night.

We're just trying to keep things sexy.

She didn't want to-- after that, the smell of wings on me,

it drives her insane.

Honestly, Tuesday through Sunday.

Mondays, no.

He stinks. OK.

It's the wing sauce.

It just comes right out of your pores.

Let's stop wing night.

Let's stop that.

Know what's weird?

It's like, it's all good.

You work too much, by the way, but--

I know.

I think I'm just in a part of my life

where I'm trying to get to that next step

so life will be easier.

You feel like you're in that Rocky I phase,

and you want to get to that Rocky II phase.

When you work too much,

it's like something's got to give.

Those other things I used to do, but I do less cause-- you know,

I want my wife to think that she matters.

I want my wife to think that she counts.

Make time for that. - Right.

That's it.

When do you have the most energy during the day?

4:00 in the morning.

I try-- yeah.

The mornings are probably pretty good for me.

It's just I swear I getting up earlier and earlier every day

because the dog seems to want to go out

earlier and earlier every day.

Don't give a shit about the dog.

We'll walk your dog while you--

There you go.

Yeah.

I'm going to hold you to it.

Walk your dog.

I'm Andrew Ford and I love food,

and I love sharing it with others.

So today, I'm going to review some food

that you can get near the "Above Average" offices.

Come on, let's go.

All right.

Let's start with those lunches.

We got here leftover Chipotle from Glenn, dated 4/28,

which I think was recently.

Half an order.

I usually prefer a full.

And it's cold, which is the opposite

of how I like my Mexican food.

I also prefer steak and not chicken.

It's fine.

This lunch is not great.

6 out of 8 individual black beans.

We have an egg.

Just a single egg.

It says Tim on it.

Leave it to Tim.

He's a weird dude.

It's an egg.

It's OK.

It's cold.

It kind of sucks, but what are you going to do?

We have Sam's lunch.

Sam is one of our interns.

Interns are not technically employees,

so I can't eat their lunches.

Here's a little note in here that says, "Sam, I love you."

Signed from his mom.

Going to dissect this one.

If you ask me, that's PB&J. Peanut butter is hard to chew.

I don't love this lunch, so I'm going to give it back.

Next up, Nyasha.

She clearly spent a lot of time putting this together.

It looks like a beautiful sandwich,

and I can't wait to dive in.

You know what?

I was excited, but you can tell this bread,

you can rip it right apart.

I like a stronger bread on my sandwich.

Next up, we have a beer, a little liquid lunch.

Somebody was feeling frisky today.

Most beers, just pop them open like this.

Sometimes this job isn't too bad.

We have a salad clearly marked Kayla.

I hate salad.

It contains all the things I dislike about a sandwich

and none of the things I like.

There's no meat and there's no bread.

Salad is a sad man's lunch.

If you see me ordering a salad at a restaurant, kill me.

Today's worst lunch was definitely Nyasha's

tuna fish sandwich on ciabatta.

That sandwich might have been better with bacon.

But it also might have been better

at the bottom of a trash can.

Thanks so much for watching "Lunch Reviews."

This was a delicious journey, a lot of ups and downs.

And as long as I don't get fired,

I will be back here next week.

Welcome to "Never Seen It."

Today, we have Matt, Lewis, and Glenn,

and we are talking about the movie "Jaws."

They are going to try and guess what

this wacky film is all about.

Guys, so let's just get right into it.

Let's jump right in, as they say in "Jaws" vernacular.

Or don't.

Don't jump in.

What do you guys think "Jaws" is about?

I think shark.

Shark, yeah.

I don't know.

It's sharks.

I think it's like a man versus wild story.

The shark is terrorizing this little beach town.

Mm-hmm.

It kills the woman in the beginning.

In my head, I think the shark is being really bad

and so they have to go out and kill them.

- Yeah. - That's the villain.

The villain is the shark.

We're not only going to have to close the beach,

we're going to have to hire somebody to kill the shark.

What if he was being used for research purposes

and then now he's getting revenge against the people?

Like cosmetic testing?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like they are putting perfume on them--

Cosmetics testing?

Yeah.

They put--

You think a water-bound animal's the best

thing to do that on?

I want to say there's some research element involved.

That seems right.

Like, somebody is researching the sharks.

They're gonna need a bigger boat.

You're gonna need a bigger boat.

I thought it was "this boat's not big enough for the two

of us." - OK.

And you think it's--

"We're going to need a bigger boat."

OK. But that's right.

And Lewis, what do you think?

I think the boat is the proper size.

I'd venture to give you the information

that there is a human element to this movie too.

Dreyfuss? Yeah.

Oh, that's who it is.

Was that Julia Louis-Dreyfus's dad?

- Is he? - Richard Dreyfuss?

They're related, right?

This has so little to do with the movie.

Richard Dreyfuss.

Let's just go with Richard Dreyfuss.

Who is Richard Dreyfuss in this movie?

Captain.

Captain of the ship? OK.

You got any better suggestions?

I think it's a great white.

It's a great white shark?

Sounds right.

From the poster, it looks like a great white.

It's a Carcharodon carcharias.

It's a great white.

So where does this movie take place?

California?

- California? - Sure.

Yeah.

They have sharks in California.

There's water there.

Makes sense.

This movie does have a villain besides the shark.

Oh no.

It's too many villains.

Any idea who this guy is, what he's up to?

Maybe the Coast Guard.

The Coast Guard's, like, hey, don't be out there.

These are our waters.

I don't know if he's very smart or very dumb.

Do you think they have any trouble killing the shark?

I bet they do.

I bet it's not an easy job.

Gun.

They use a gun.

I think the shark gets on the boat at one point.

Like, the whole shark is on the boat.

What's the way they actually get the shark?

Once they get that bigger boat.

You guys think the size bigger boat?

They probably get the bigger boat

and they run him over with it.

They need one.

I really like the idea that they run

over the shark with the boat.

Guys, I'm so sorry, but you lost this one.

You did not guess a lot of "Jaws's" plot.

You were pretty wrong.

And I'd say you're dumb-dumbs.

Thanks.

Hey.

Never seen it.

What if I wrote a sketch about Matt?

I love that.

Good morning.

What are we talking about?

Not you.

Hey, can you guys help me write this text?

I went out with this guy last night and I have to reject him,

but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Sarah, it's 9:00 in the morning.

Yeah.

If you're not into this dude, just don't respond.

Well, I'm not just going to ghost him.

You don't have to fully ghost him,

you can friendly ghost him,

Yeah.

Like, Casper him.

Yeah.

Casper him?

Yeah.

Just text him less and less.

Wait two days, then four, then a week, then two weeks.

And then naturally, he'll just fade away.

Love that natural fade.

OK.

You guys, I have a system, and it works.

I text guys right after the date if I'm not feeling it.

That way, they don't tell people how

good it was or think about me too much

before I let them down.

I feel like you have yourself confused with a much hotter,

more famous person.

You think texting a guy at 9:00 in the morning

and telling him you had a bad time last night is nice?

Well, not when you say it like that.

I mean, come on.

Haley, have you ever Caspered somebody?

No.

I usually just leave when they're in the bathroom.

Ooh, that's like a poltergeist.

Spooky.

So you guys don't think that I should be honest?

Really?

Absolutely not.

No way.

Plus, you might be giving yourself just a little bit

too much credit here.

Like, if you had a bad time, he probably also had a bad time.

Yeah.

That sounds right.

Yeah, he 100% had a bad time.

OK, he loved me.

OK, you guys are totally off base.

I am putting an end to ghosting, OK?

Mama's a Ghostbuster, OK?

Who are you gonna call, right?

Me, right?

Oh, none of that now.

Don't do that.

"Mama's a Ghostbuster?"

That was really bad, Sarah.

Jesus.

Oh, well, you guys can say Casper

and I can't-- you know what? No.

This is ridiculous.

OK, I'm texting him.

It's the right thing to do.

Here we go.

I'm sending it.

Good for you.

Got a response already.

"Thank you for your honesty."

"I had a bad time too."

Yeah.

There it is.

I knew it.

Haley, did you not invite me to the read-through?

Do you mind reading Sage, Ben?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Haley.

It's--

Oh, I'm ghosting him.

Poltergeist.

What sketch is Matt the Dumb Guy?

This is so sad, everyone here is crying

because my grandfather is dead.

Good morning, Snapchat.

It's a beautiful Tuesday.

I'm ready to run, relax, go to work, and just have fun.

Live life, love it.

Oh my-- oh no!

Help me!

Life is like a box of candy; you never know the flavor.

What's up, sheeple?

I'm here to tell you the truth, OK?

Jojo here with a quick word about the Illuminati.

If you don't think they're everywhere in your life,

you're sleeping.

Dogs, dogs, dogs!