Original subtitles

Acting is art.

It is a metamorphosis.

When you act you, must completely

embody a different person, and it must be honest.

Who am I?

I'm the guy who plays Daniel Day-Lewis.

I was never that good of an actor.

I did some ads for some local chimney companies.

Hello, do you have a clogged chimney?

Well, I'll take care of it, no problemo.

And I did a couple small little pornos here and there.

Hello, do you have a clogged chimney?

I'll take care of it no problem-- uh, uh, oh.

It wasn't until I created this character,

Daniel Day-Lewis, that I started to get the big roles.

Coming up with the name was easy.

Daniel is my middle name, Day, my favorite part of calendars,

and Lewis because of Huey Lewis.

I was drawn to the script, script, wow, script, brilliant.

Oh, I think I, think

I went with the British accent because after doing

all those chimney commercials just came in second nature,

you know.

So I sit in makeup for 3 hours every morning

and like magic, I am transformed.

So if you look to Daniel Day-Lewis as a great actor,

you are actually looking to me, Anthony Stinky,

because I am Daniel Day-Lewis, and I am a great actor.

Oh, and also, I still do pornos sometimes.

Our customers love the flexibility of Airbnb,

but some people are looking for even more rental options.

That's why we're introducing Airbnb Express, which gives you

only the best part of Airbnb, going in a stranger's apartment

and looking through their stuff.

Crocs?

Really?

He left his mail just out.

I'm going to go through it, right?

We know you like to look around.

We're just making it easier.

With Airbnb Express, you can book for just an hour or two,

plenty of time to pop in and judge all their stuff.

Check it out.

He owns Chvrches on vinyl.

He keeps them both in the same bag?

This guy's family is super ugly.

Babe, this is my impression of this guy waking up.

Uh, I'm alone again.

Airbnb Express even gets you access

to that special locked closet that you're

not supposed to go in.

- Oh, this is going to be weird. - Open it.

Do it. - Ah.

- What's in it? - Nothing.

There's nothing in it. Don't look in that.

No, no, no, I wanna see.

Call it creepy, call it curious, we really don't care.

Airbnb Express, start snooping.

There are millions of stories in the world.

Some are told through desperate Morse code

of a terrified soldier.

Some are the Bible, the greatest story

ever told, and others can only be

told from the trunk of a car.

This is one of those stories.

All right, Orenthal, '92 Bronco, fully loaded,

leather interior, white finish.

Uh, not sure how I feel about the color though.

Let me tell you about white.

White is nondescript.

No one's going to be able to see you.

Person like you, low profile, in 5 years,

I absolutely, 100% guarantee everyone's

going to be driving one of these babies.

Know what?

I'll take it.

That's right.

Hey, can you sign a card for my kid?

What?

I don't know, Kato.

"Naked Gun 4"?

I don't want to be known for just doing one thing.

Nah, as an actor, you got to take any chance you can

get, movies, TV, just get your face out there any way you can,

OJ.

You really get this, Kato.

Testify, brother.

- Ah, can I get a witness? - Oh.

Oh, wait a minute.

Let me try on these gloves.

I think I might have got the wrong size of gloves.

Uh, you know what?

I should take these back.

Nah.

Hey, man, you never know you're going

to need another pair of gloves.

You're right.

You're right twice in a day, Kato Kaelin.

Let me see if I can just break these in.

Oh.

All right.

We friends though.

We friends.

Oh, stop.

Oh, right.

Where are you flying to, sir?

Chicago.

Windy City.

Sorry I'm late.

Traffic, huh?

It's all right.

I had a little time to kill.

OK, grab that bag for you.

Nah, don't think so.

Uh, you--

Hey, Robert.

Thanks for sticking with me this whole time.

Hey, anything for a friend like you.

Man, with the press, and the tabloids,

and all that stuff going, I really

wouldn't blame you if you decided to just

distance yourself from old OJ.

Hey, publicly form a legal partnership

with a professional athlete and then suddenly call it off?

That's not the Kardashian way.

Thanks, man.

How the kids doing?

Tough keeping up with them.

Ha.

Oh, right, day one.

Excuse me, cutie, cutie.

Hey, cutie, have you seen the real killers?

That's a no.

OK, that's enough for today.

Man, OJ, you sure got this book out fast.

Yeah, you know what they say?

Write what you know.

I mean, you know?

Write what you would imagine you know if hypothetically,

you knew what you was knowing.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I need some money.

Let's go sell these books. You know what I mean?

We still friends.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

We simply going in there, and we're

going to take back what was mine to begin with, all right.

See, it's like, if you built a table, right, and someone

bought that table, and then you decided

you're going to take that table back because your touchdowns

made that wood.

So we're going to rob him?

Nah, we're going to go back in there

and get our damn touchdowns back.

Football for life. Here.

Oh, shit. Ah.

This is a classic, low mileage, one previous owner.

OK, is there anything else I should know?

Look, I'll be honest with you.

This is an older car, but my prices,

it's like you're getting away with murder.

Hey, all right.

What the?

You got to get up.

You got to get up.

You got to get up in the morning.

Abby, what are you doing here?

Oh, you said you were on death's door.

No, I said I was sick and needed the day off.

OK, but hear me out.

I burnt down the office.

You what?

I am joking.

I'm here to take care of you plus the office

started smelling kind of smoky from the fire that I started.

I don't need you to take care of me.

Shut up.

Everyone needs someone to take care of them.

Yeah, that's why my sister's here.

Hi, Miranda, but everyone calls me Abby.

Why?

I don't know.

See?

I'm fine.

You don't have to worry about me.

Well, what about me?

I can't do anything without you.

Look.

Are you kidding me?

Is that your poop?

What?

Oh this, no, eww.

This is the poop of a chimpanzee I bought and immediately lost.

So it's still poop?

Well, duh, chimpanzees are humans, too, "Abe-i."

I mean--

I don't know.

Listen, Abby, you need to leave.

But I came all the way to Brooklyn.

I took something called the subway.

How frugal of you.

The subway, of course, being a giant man who for 20 grand

will carry you anywhere in the city.

I met a giant once.

That's the whole story.

Great, I loved it.

So anyway, "Abe-i"--

Who is "Abe-i"?

I brought you some soup that I made.

This is just hot wine.

A movie for your viewing pleasure.

"Problem Child 2" on VHS?

And least but not last, my drug dealer, Ludwig.

Hey, what's up?

How are you?

Abby, why is this person in my home?

Because of medicine.

He has it.

Are you on something?

Right now, I'm on Meth, acid, OxyContin, Vicodin ,,

and four kinds of mushrooms.

Well, thanks for coming, Ludwig, but I'm going

to stick to Robitussin for now.

Oh, I'm on that, too. Robi--

tripping.

You're funny.

Oh, no one's ever told me that before.

Listen, maybe this is crazy, but would you

like to be my new assistant?

My assistant right now, well, she's very sick,

and it's not looking good.

OK, I'm not sick.

I'm just hung over from last night.

Aha, I knew it.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, but now, I do.

You little-- God, you're good.

Now, I'm going to need you to call the fire department

because from before--

You set the office on fire.

Yeah.

- Alec. - Pietro.

- How are you? - How are you?

Good.

Now, are you from-- you live in New York?

What did she just say to you in Italian?

What was the secret message?

Do you know who I am? - No.

That's perfect.

I'm one of the most famous relationship

experts in the world.

You don't know that?

I'm sorry, but I don't.

That's fantastic.

Do you watch TV?

I watch mostly Italy politics and American politics.

I'm a lot into politics when it comes to--

- You align to politics? - So you like comedy?

And I like comedy when it comes to any shows.

What's a comedy that you follow?

Oh, you talk about comedy--

Comedy series?

Like a "30 Rock" type show.

You ever watch a show like--

- "Seinfeld." - "30 Rock."

No.

What about "Modern Families"?

"Modern Family" you like?

This is fantastic.

It's fantastic.

What do you remember most about him when you met him?

What you remember about me when you met me?

What do you remember?

He's intrigued by his own story.

The very first time I saw him actually, we didn't talk,

and I actually didn't like him.

He didn't like me. - You didn't like him?

He didn't like you? Why?

At the beginning because she was a little snobby.

No, I wasn't snobby.

You were a little snobby.

So you met him, and you weren't that turned on to him

right away?

No, we actually just saw--

What changed?

each other once, maybe twice, and then we didn't see

each other for like a year. And then--

You dated other men?

No, no, no.

You had a lot of people coming after you?

You're a beautiful woman, but you were training to be

a nun, correct, in Napoli?

No.

Yes, how did you know that?

You wanted to be a nun?

You were going to the convent.

No, it's where she studied there, and I told her,

maybe she should have been an--

If I was your father, I would have locked you in a convent,

too, but anyway, oh--

What a waste would have been.

When did you fall in love with her?

The first time I see her in the face,

and then she turn around, I look at her butt.

Oh god.

Oh my god, can you believe that?

Sorry about the--

Italian men, it's true what they say about them.

They fall in love with your butt.

Oh [speaking italian].

He never told you that before did he?

No, he did.

He told you?

And you married him.

Many times.

I always tell him because I'm a really good cook,

you marry me because I know how to cook--

Why would I marry a woman that who knows

how to cook if I'm a chef?

I hate to say this to you, but a woman

with a great butt who can cook, I mean, really you're done.

When you fell in love with him, what'd you fall in love?

He's always been a gentleman, and that was the--

He's very charming.

He always treat me really, really nice.

He did? You know he loves you.

- That's what he really-- - He respects you?

Yes.

Say something romantic to him in Italian.

I mean from your soul, say something very romantic.

What'd he say?

He said then, I always more beautiful, and I never get old.

That's a lie.

Oh my god.

That's so sweet.

No, it's a big lie, but it's OK.

Why do you think it's a lie?

Because--

I'm still hanging out around you.

Now, describe your two children.

Your daughter who just won Miss New Jersey--

She's very independent.

Gorgeous girl.

Did she go to school?

She's in school.

She's gonna graduate at Temple.

- In Temple University. - She went to Temple.

And your other child is what? - She's an actor.

- Jean Pietro. - Jean Pietro.

No.

How old is he?

Jean Pietro is 13 years old.

This is the luckiest day of your life

that you're in the car with me.

You don't want your kids to be in the show business.

That's ridiculous. - You know what?

It's just-- - No, they gonna be--

Why not? They're good kids.

This is for morons that can't do anything else.

Everybody knows that. - I don't know about that.

Look on you mirror. - Look at Greg.

Look in the mirror and say that to yourself.

I've been killing myself in show business for 35 years.

You don't even know who I am.

What do you recommend to people?

What's the key to staying married and being happy?

What's the key?

Communication.

Communication.

So give me an example.

That's something like we didn't know the first year,

and we will fight or have like--

He would drive you crazy.

You were jealous.

No, no, we're not really jealous.

Oh, yes.

He doesn't see all the phone numbers that I

get because I throw them out.

What do you say is your advice?

Marriage is really, when it comes to us, is up and downs.

But if you just calm down and just look at the situation,

if you love your woman, you'll go right to no matter

where it is.

Oh my god, I'm going to cry right now.

We're the Miss New Jersey--

having my son come one sec.

I want to come see you--

get him over here.

Roll down the window. Push down the button there.

- You're going to see my son. - Where is he?

Jean Pietro. - Jean Pietro.

- Come here. - Jean Pietro.

Do you know who this man is?

Alec Bald--

If you see something on my computer

that's not safe for work, just know it's research.

The point of this office is that there are no walls,

but I feel like you're putting up a lot of emotional walls.

Do you ever see a fat kid dancing

and you think to yourself, yes?

Do you guys know if Duolingo has Arabic on it?

Did someone order a giant tub of Metamucil?

Tuesday's "Dilbert" was on point.

If no one answers, I'm going to keep it for myself.

Oh, my stomach is sweating.

Yeah, hi, I'd like to order 10 child-sized ankle bracelets.

My password, "All About That Bass" 19.

I've listened to that song 19 times.

My sex tape just leaked.

Do not go to PatGetsSpanked.com.

Don't, dude, don't do it.

Man, soup is for losers, right?

OK, bye.

I have scabies.

I was late this morning because I

was having a casual sexual encounter with a stranger.

Steve, would you rather have a penis tongue that gets hard

when you're hungry or vagina ears

that leak when you hear music?

He loved smelling my hair, and I was like ugh,

you're a really hot stranger, but just stop smelling my hair,

yuck.

Ugh.

Can you pick me up from the airport?

Great, and then just drive me to the Syrian border?

Good, I can handle it from there.

I love you.

Oh, sorry, didn't have my headphones plugged in.

Oh man, did you hear that?

Uh, another sex tape just got leaked.

Nobody go to PatGetsJerked.com.

I don't want to see anyone on that website.

Guess I better start work for the day.

ET, letters of the alphabet and the title of a movie.

We love this.

We want to get started on making ET right away, Steven.

Great.

So the only note we have is on the very last page.

It's so teeny tiny.

It's barely even a change, but we'd to see

ET get killed at the end.

That's all.

Um, what?

Oh, well, as you have it here, ET gets away,

and we think movie audiences would really

like it if the alien dies so that the good guys, us humans,

win.

I don't know if I really considered ET to be a bad guy.

Really?

But he's a terrible little brown turd.

As soon as that turd arrives, horrible things

start happening, you know.

He's eating all the candy.

He's getting drunk.

He scares people.

He almost kills Elliot.

He's a bad turd.

Yeah, I think people might like

ET because he's so innocent.

Innocent?

That little brown turd puts children's lives in danger, OK?

He's a horrible monster, probably a molester because

of that long nasty finger.

The dumb little turd doesn't even

know words or what things are.

I thought you made him that way so that we would know

that we shouldn't like him.

Yeah, he doesn't know things because he's an alien.

Right, he's a bad guy.

No.

Steven, we're saying the same thing here.

He's an alien that makes him a bad turd.

"ET" is a classic alien movie, right?

Aliens come to Earth.

They mess things up, and then ultimately, humans

prevail over their evil Martian enemies.

It's a done deal.

We love it, and we want to make

your movie as soon as possible.

You should be happy.

We just want to see the little brown turd die at the end,

so we have something to cheer for.

That's all.

Break him up with a stick and flush him down the toilet.

And then we could have a parade at the end

and all the little kids in town are

holding up a piece of the turd.

You know I was thinking for this film,

the twist is that the humans are the bad guys if anyone.

That's weird.

OK, so if you want to make ET a good guy, then

you should just have him be human the whole time.

Oh, hey, no, I get what you're saying.

Yeah, just make him like some kind of dude

that drinks beer and eats candy all the time.

Yes, that's right, a really cool dude.

Yeah, maybe we could change his name

to something easier like Ed.

Or Eddie so we know he's fun?

Yeah, he'll have a backwards hat.

Can the hat be red?

Oh my god, there's your movie, right, Eddie.

Yeah, see, look, I think Elliot

and ET have a connection.

Well, it's why they both get sick together.

Darren.

You know, see that's what I'm talking about

is there's no reason for ET to be alive at that point.

That'd be a good time to kill the turd.

Please stop referring to ET as a turd.

I'm so sorry, Steven, I didn't mean

to put any turds in your mouth.

I thought you wanted him to be a turd.

I imagine he'd be like a two-foot turd with legs,

right, maybe arms.

Yeah, he's like the last that comes out of someone's body

when they die. - Turds from space.

- There's a turd in the house. - Turd two.

We'll make the first turd later.

OK, look, I'm sorry.

This just isn't the direction I want to go with my film.

I'm afraid this isn't going to work.

Steven, Steven, don't be difficult. Steven, what child

leaves home and then throws a turd in their basket?

Steven, just as long as you know you're

wrong about the turds.

You know, all this turd talk's got me hungry.

Alison, can you bring in steak sandwiches again?

Steven, you're a turd in the basket.

In a city of millions,

is it possible to find true love if you

aren't being true to yourself?

Everybody, welcome to Manhattan

Afternoon Speed Dating.

So when you guys are ready to switch partners,

hit that bell then happy hunting.

Ha ha.

EUGENE HITLER I used to run

from who I am but no more.

Now, I'm going to be the real me no matter what

other people think.

Hi, I'm Sarah Lloyd.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.

When you come from a family like mine,

some people can be really quick to judge.

Julie Bennett.

Eugene Hitler.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Eugene Hitler.

Eugene Hitler.

Well, Eugene is a nice name.

It's short for eugenics.

Surviving today's dating scene

takes a certain strength of will.

Look, I'm Eugene Hitler, grandson of Adolf Hitler.

Well, you can't choose your family, right?

No you can't.

So what do you do?

I work for Chap's Sporting Goods.

Grandson of Adolf Hitler, and I work at Chap's Sporting Goods.

Manager?

Assistant Manager.

People ask me, why don't you

just change your name?

But would a Eugene Hitler by any other name still

smell as sweet?

Is a shoe that would be really good for you.

So it's got the breathable mesh upper here.

If I judge myself

purely on my heritage, would I be

any better than my grandfather?

Ruth Feinstein.

Eugene Hitler.

What was that?

Hitler.

It's so low that I can't hear you.

Hitler.

I still can't really understand.

Hitler.

You guys.

EUGENE HITLER I guess

if there's one thing I have in common with my grandfather,

it's stick-tuitiveness.

So got a big race coming up, right?

Yeah.

Maybe you need a training partner?

I kind--

Oh, excuse me.

I'm--

Oh yeah, oh you mean--

What's in a name?

What's in a name?

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.

Wow, really?

I am such a big fan.

He was a visionary.

He was-- and you, and you look like him.

Oh my god, what an honor to be in the presence.

You have no idea--

You rang the bell by accident.

By the way--

He killed 6 million people.

I know.

That was way too many.

Women don't always get me.

I guess the best way to put it is Eugene

Hitler's just misunderstood.

Eugene Hitler, grandson of Adolf Hitler, assistant manager

at Chap's Sports.

The one in Soho?

Times Square.

I guess that's just my struggle.

My name is Eugene Hitler, and I don't care

if everybody knows about it.

I'm Eugene Hitler, and you're going to have to live with it.

I'm Eugene Hitler, and I'm not going to change it.

I know deep down

that I'm a special person, and someday,

I'll find the perfect girl.

But for now, I have found the perfect egg salad sandwich.

Hats off to you, Cafe Olo.

I give you my highest rating, five Hitlers.

Nom, nom, nom.