All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E08.Maybe.You.Need.a.Break.Some.Exercise.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Amanda, the first
question is for you.

I want you to describe, one,
how is your relationship going?

And, two, how is
your life going?

You're like
Dr. Phil now.

that guy.

Well, hey.

What's up dude.
- Hey, what's up.

- What's your name?
- I'm Allen.

Judah.

Good to meet you, Allen.
- Hi, I'm Amanda.

What's your name?
Rebecca?

- Amanda.
- Amanda.

OK.

You wore that same
thing like a year ago.

I did a show at
Carnegie Mellon.

Do you have a conflict of
interest on this episode?

Where are the two of you from?

I'm from San Diego.

Best burritos in the country.

Yes, I agree.

I'm from the Bay Area.
So--

Bay Area.
- We argue about the burritos.

OK, no offense.

You don't like rice
beans in your burrito?

Look, let me get serious
for a second here, OK?

I am all for people
coming together.

I'm all for integration.

But when it comes to
rice and burritos,

rice needs to be segregated
outside that burrito.

I agree.
I agree.

Thank you.

San Diego wins.

San Diego-- closer to Mexico.

I want to start
with you, Amanda.

How is your relationship going
versus how is your life going?

OK, this is interesting
because I just recently got

a job offer in San Francisco.

- Beautiful city.
- Yep.

So that's where
my life is going.

Not as many bridges
as Pittsburgh.

Not as many.

But some very
famous bridges there.

So that's where
your life is going?

So you're going?
- I'm going.

You made up your mind?
Yes.

Are you going?

I'm not going.

- You're not going?
- Yet.

Yet.

Not yet, yeah.

Oh, there's a little
dramatic pause there.

Have you had a
serious talk here?

I mean, she just got a job
offer in San Francisco.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

When did this
whole thing happen?

When did it go down?

Two days ago.

Have you had a
talk about this yet?

Sort of.

That sounds like a no.

Does he think the relationship
is going to survive?

It'll work.

Like, I'll probably end
up racking up some miles

flying back and forth.

Are there direct flights from
Pittsburgh to San Francisco?

Yeah, there's one that
leaves, like, at 6 AM.

There's one.
There's one flight or car.

Yeah, there's one.

What's stopping
you from going now?

I don't know.

So I actually
started the company

that I work for right now.

- So you're your own boss?
- Yeah.

Do you want him
to go with you?

Yes.

I mean, I know he has to
stay here for his startup.

I think we're trying
to work out some, like,

commute every other week
or something like that,

seems kind of crazy.

Tell him you're
bringing in another expert

from the institute.

We're going to pull
over for a second.

I have a colleague of mine.

What's up, buddy?

This is Alec.

I don't know.
- Alec.

Alec, Allen.
Nice to meet you.

- Amanda.
- Amanda.

Nice to meet you.

Rebecca?
OK.

- Why does everybody--
- You guys both did that.

Do you mean, Gregg?
Hi, Gregg.

Hey, Gregg.
I'm Allen.

My friend Gregg.

Women always dump him and
move to San Francisco, too.

I'm going to say
three or four phrases,

and you're going to tell
me, on the count of three,

which one defines you.

I seek truth.

I seek beauty.

I seek a partner.

And the fourth one
is, I seek myself.

You're both going to give your
answer on the count of three

at the same time.

One, two, three.

Myself.

Partner.

You seek a partner?

Yeah.

And you seek yourself?

It's interesting
because you're the one

who's going to San Francisco.

I noticed how you
just scooched over.

Yeah.

You want to find out
what you should be doing?

He sort of has figured
out his path a little bit.

And I'm sort of just
getting on that path.

You're stuck at retail.
Yeah.

Yeah, you know, that's
not what you want to do.

Yeah, that's not
really what I want to do.

What do you want to do?

I mean, I want to
work at an ad agency.

I want to be--

Is that what you're
going do in San Francisco?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

So this is an
opportunity for you.

Yeah, so this is,
like, my dream job.

This is-- but
this wasn't in the city

that it might have been.

You said "partner."

Why?

I think for that exact reason.

I sort of figured out what
I want for myself already.

Yeah.

And, like, I can figure
out how to make how--

make that work.

You'd like
to have a partner.

Yeah, exactly.

I think the two of you
being geographically further

apart is actually going to
bring you closer together.

That's my prediction.

Yeah.

Why, Judah?

Because of their
answers and those

questions that you
just gave them.

You just felt like
saying something to me?

No, because she's-- no.

My name is Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach, who's
helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you graduated from Staten
Island Technical School.

So shouldn't you be
fixing my car right now?

Well, I didn't go
to school to fix cars.

It was more, you know, computer
graphics and things like that.

Sort of like
designing cars and--

No, not cars.

There's nothing to do with cars.

It was more just drafting and,
you know, building some things.

OK, I shouldn't
be telling you this.

But my ex-husband, Darren,
he works at a car dealership

and can get you
a very sweet deal

and maybe a very sweet job.

But you'd have to mention
that I referred to you

so that he could sort of--

Well, I don't really
need a car or a job

because I'm pretty set for both
of those things, but thanks.

Sweetheart, I've
heard that before.

And as soon as it come, it go
away, you know, money or job.

Or husbands.

Yes, yeah, although
he's coming back.

Just give him a
couple more years.

But, seriously, I love your
song "Girls Chase Boys"

because, you know, I
chased my ex-husband a lot.

You know, there have been
police chases relating

to me chasing my ex-husband.

So that song is, like-- it's
like you wrote it for me.

It's not about one woman
chasing after one man--

I just--

like a lunatic.

It's about, like, culture.

It's about a girl who's
been wrongfully dumped--

It's not about that.

by her husband.

And she is going to chase him
no matter what gets in her way.

Oh, you are insane.

And I think your
hat is insane.

And by that, I mean cool.

So your songs have been
featured multiple times

on "Grey's Anatomy."

Yeah.

No.

When someone asks you
that, I want your response

to be no unless you want a
bunch of middle-aged women

who are obsessed
with Patrick Dempsey

listening to your music.

Uh-oh, too late, you know.

Actually, most of my fan
base are girls from the age

of, like, 16 to 30, mid-30s.

So you're wrong.

But thanks for that good advice.

You don't have many
friends, do you?

I don't know.

So how did you come up with
the name Ingrid Michaelson?

That's my name.

No, no, no, I know.

But, like, what
inspired you to use,

like, "girl name, boy name-son?"

No, that's the
name I was born with.

My parents gave
me the first name,

and the last name was
my dad's last name.

So--

OK, well, regardless of
whether or not you picked it,

I think that we could
do a little work on it,

you know, like,
glam it up a little.

Instead of Ingrid Michaelson,
maybe we want to do,

like, you know, Ingrid
Starlight, you know.

So your advice to me
is to abandon the name

that I've had my whole
life and have, you know,

built a fan base.

Everyone knows me as
Ingrid Michaelson.

And so you think I should change
now 10 years into my career

to Ingrid Starlight?

I'm just saying
I hear Michaelson,

and I go, you know,
it's like it's not cute.

Janessa.

You know, you
do-- you are onto

something because
Janessa Michaelson

is actually a pretty good name.

I think you've really
learned a lot today, Ingrid.

What do you think?

I think I want
to get out of here.

Was that because you
want me to sit with you?

No, please don't
get any closer to me.

But, honestly, I
feel like we're just

like girls who chase
boys, and, like,

I feel like the world
has to just, like, deal.

Yeah, you're really close.

Like, I feel like you're
invading my personal space.

Right.

I must have the wrong house.

Sister.

Oh, I
missed you so much.

They waited up all
night for you, you know.

It's a long way
from West Africa.

Oh, coffee.

He's here.

I brought you
something from far away.

Really?

Oh.

What are you doing?

You're my present this year.

The
best part of waking up

is Folgers in your cup.

See, I smelled it.

He's back.

Ryan, you have to leave.

What?

What are you guys talking about?

We know what's going on here.

We know you're talking
to each other.

What?

No.

Oh, please, brothers
and sisters don't

look at each other like that.

He sent you to West Africa for
a reason, Ryan, to separate you

and your sister.
- You're crazy.

Oh, yeah.

What's this?

He's my present this year.

Jesus Christ.

OK, we're .

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I'm your son, and I'm in
love with your daughter.

Ugh!

Ryan, what is in that box?

What's in the box, Ryan?

- It's mine.
- Give it.

Stop.

Unbelievable.

Holy shit.

Emily, I love the way
we have so much in common

because we grew up together.

And I just want to
wake up every morning

to the smell of you and
Folgers Colombian Dark Roast.

Emily, will you make me
the happiest brother?

Dad, get off of him.

Stop the fighting.

I love him.

Oh, no!

No!
Stop it!

Stop it!

No!

No!

I just want to
my brother.

Waking
up is Folgers in your cup.

Ah, sorry.

I had to go to three
Taco Bells before I

found one that would put
Fritos on a Doritos shell taco.

Jesus.

What's going on?

Not much, girl.

Oh, this is new.

I had LASIK.

When?

I was only gone for,
like, 15 minutes.

Yeah, I had one
of those at-home

LASIK guys just pop over.

Pretty sure
that's not a thing.

Oh, relax.

What's the worst
that could happen?

I go blind.

Yes.

What?

No one told me.

This is why you should
run things by me, Abby.

I'm not just here
to ruin your fun.

Give it.

Kind of feels like you are.

Trust me, I'm not.

Give it.

I can take care of myself.

Why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

I can't.

Too much work to do.

You know, Abby?

I still have no
idea what you do.

You sound like everyone.

For the first time, I'm
a general entrepreneur.

What does that mean?

God, who's assisting
who here, huh?

By the way, I need
you to find my pants.

They are somewhere
near the bathroom.

You don't need to take your
pants off all the way to pee.

You've never seen me pee.

Actually, I
have, and you still

haven't answered my question.

Listen, Abye, I
oversee things, OK?

I say what goes where.

I show them the money.

No, you're just quoting
lines from "Jerry Maguire."

You had me at hi.

It's not even right.

It's not my fault. A
criminal took my eyes.

OK, just tell
me how I can help.

Can you proofread this
text I just wrote?

Wow, this is oddly perfect.

You even spelled
hypothesis right.

That one's easy.

It's right, right, left, right,
left, right, left, left, right,

left.

Holy crap.

You're like the
Rain Man of texting.

Yeah, I'm a
really good texter.

And that's a solid
Dustin Hoffman impression.

Who's that?

Should've known.

I'm just really
coordinated, Abye.

It's a gift.

I think you spilled something.

Excuse me, Ms. Young, I found
your pants near my cubicle.

Who's that?

Mark?

No.

Abye?

I've been here the whole time.

It's Derek.

Of course, Derek.

I don't know who that is.

What does he look like?

OK, he's got, like--

he's so average,
like, brown hair,

kind of looks like a
boring Ryan Gosling.

You know how some guys have,
like, angular noses and, like,

really high cheekbones?

Yeah, this guy does
not have those.

I mean, he has a nose.

But I have no way to
describe it, like, normal?

You know, Ms. Young, I've been
working for you for a year now.

Oh, perfect.

Tell Abye what I do.

Actually, I have no idea.

You always say you complete me.

Did you just see "Jerry
Maguire" or something?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Oh, no.

Where's your underwear?

I had to pee.

In 1995,
I was struggling

to write my second novel.

At that time, there
were only maybe

three things you could do to
distract yourself as opposed

to now with the
internet, you can

distract yourself endlessly.

In the back of "The
Village Voice,"

you had these erotically charged
ads for these phone services.

And the straight line
was $3.99 a minute,

and the gay line
was $0.15 a minute.

I was quite broke.

And in this case, it
paid to be open-minded.

This one guy left a
message that he wanted

to meet someone in
a hotel room and box

while wearing underwear.

And I thought, well,
that's innocent enough.

Hello?

I heard your message
on the bulletin board.

Yeah, you like the box?

Yeah, I said, trying
to match his gruff tone.

What do you do for a living?

And I hesitated because I
figured he was hoping that I

would be a butcher or maybe
a prison guard or something

like that, something tough.

No, I'm a writer.

Really?

I'm a writer.

I told him I was
working on the novel,

but it was going terribly.

Well, maybe you need
a break, some exercise.

Listen, let's get a room
at the St. Mark's Hotel.

I have gloves and headgear.

We're good to go.

Offers like that don't
come often in life.

In fact, they almost never do.

So I was like, OK, yes.

And an hour later, I was
at the St. Mark's Hotel.

We're all set to box.

And then out of nowhere,
he proposes whoever

loses has to-- you know.

And I said to him, listen,
I'm just here for the boxing.

And he was respectful
of my boundaries,

and then he hit me in the head.

We start fighting.

And he's just pounding me,
hitting me all over the place.

Out of nowhere, the fight took
on a new level of intensity.

I was in a boxing
match in a hotel room.

I mean, how did this happen?

It's so unusual.

I could sense that
he was disappointed

that I had set a boundary.

But I think it helped
his fighting because he

was hitting me
hard, perhaps hoping

to knock some sense into me.

This ain't good.

I know you're confused.

I know you're a depressive.

But you can fight
better than this.

I believe in you.

Suddenly,
something rose out of me.

And I threw a jab, which
kind of snapped him back.

And then I threw
a beautiful right.

And then he jabs his
hip on the dresser.

Oh, god.

Damn it.
- Oh, my god.

Are you OK?

Listen, buddy,
no more fighting.

We don't have good chemistry.

And I thought that was an
interesting way to put it.

Chemistry had nothing
to do with it.

I had knocked him out.

I felt bad seeing him in pain.

The whole thing
kind of blown up.

But in the jungle of
life, sometimes you

have to look after yourself.

So the best thing
to do is just get

dressed and get out of there.

Well, look, good
luck with your book.

Yep, good luck with
your book, too, buddy.

It was nice meeting you.

And so we parted
amicably, two writers

wishing each other well.

Let's talk about
winter depression,

or, as it's sometimes
known, Seasonal

Affective Disorder, or SAD.

But before you go blaming your
gloom on winter depression,

let's not forget every
season is depressing.

First up is spring, the
season where animals

wake up out of hibernation and
begin murdering other animals.

Spring is also the
opening of our nation's

swimming pools, the
leading cause of death

for children under five.

Feeling better?

Don't.

Summer brings less clothes,
along with unrealistic beauty

standards, like a made-up
problem called thigh gap.

You'll also get to celebrate the
4th of July, a national holiday

designed around charred
meats and people

blowing off their fingers.

And if you're
still not sad, just

listen to your air conditioner.

As it burns through
the Earth's resources,

ruining our planet for
all the babies who didn't

already die during the spring.

Now that's what I
call a summer bummer.

Finally, there's
fall, the season

of back-to-school
shopping, which

I would be doing
right now if Donna

had just locked that pool gate.

Woulda, coulda, shouldas.

And football's back,
time to sit back, relax,

and watch full-grown men destroy
their brains for our amusement.

Hut, hut.

Who am I?

And that brings
us back to winter.

And, honestly, if
this is the only time

of year you're depressed,
consider yourself lucky.

The world is terribly
depressing all year round.

Thanks for watching "SciVids."

What?

Can you please
put the floss away?

No.

Oh, yeah, buddy, this
stall has the most leg room.

Pete.
I'm sorry.

Sir, are you OK?

Well, what happened?

You guys got to help my girl.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Calm down.

But he died here tonight.

Little Barack died here tonight.

Oh, my god.

What happened?

She got up on
the table to dance.

She slipped.

She dropped him,
and she fell on him.

But I've never
dropped him before.

Honestly, I've never
dropped him before.

I've done it, like, a
thousand million times.

I've never dropped him.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I fell out.

Oh.

In the fourth
grade, it was my turn

to take home the class hamster.

It died before he even
got out of the classroom.

Little Barack is a
dog, not a hamster.

Yeah, it's a fucking dog, man.

Whoa, Really?

He's the most precious
dog that ever was.

And I loved him.

He's so small, I can't
believe he even has bones.

OK, OK, guys, look,
I'm really sorry.

But how can we help
you in the bathroom?

We need to bury him.

What?
Where?

Let's see.

Like a goldfish.

Exactly.

Baby, it's a dog.

Not anymore.

Now he's an angel.

All right, fine.

Sink it.

So now we've come to
the point of the service,

where, if anyone
has any last words,

now would be the time
to say those words.

I have something to say.

No, you don't.

I loved Little Barack forever.

But I know that he's in heaven
now, and he's with my parents.

And I know that they love
him just as much as I did,

which is good because
there wasn't a lot of love

between them, especially towards
the end of my father's cancer,

because he's been
seeing another woman.

He's really good, baby.

Thanks.

All right, guys, sink it.

Amen.

All right, well, that's it.

Let's get a drink, baby.

I don't want to drink
anything again ever.

Wait, the toilet is clogged.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Don't hurt him.

Baby, he's already dead.

Oh, he lost his
other eye, gross.

- Phillip.
- Oh, my god.

What is happening?

Why won't Little
Barack flush down?

He won't fit.

Little guy won't fit.

Oh, my god.

His insides are coming
out of his mouth.

Oh, that should do it.

Nope, he's back again.