Original subtitles

Amanda, the first question is for you.

I want you to describe, one, how is your relationship going?

And, two, how is your life going?

You're like Dr. Phil now.

that guy.

Well, hey.

What's up dude. - Hey, what's up.

- What's your name? - I'm Allen.

Judah.

Good to meet you, Allen. - Hi, I'm Amanda.

What's your name? Rebecca?

- Amanda. - Amanda.

OK.

You wore that same thing like a year ago.

I did a show at Carnegie Mellon.

Do you have a conflict of interest on this episode?

Where are the two of you from?

I'm from San Diego.

Best burritos in the country.

Yes, I agree.

I'm from the Bay Area. So--

Bay Area. - We argue about the burritos.

OK, no offense.

You don't like rice beans in your burrito?

Look, let me get serious for a second here, OK?

I am all for people coming together.

I'm all for integration.

But when it comes to rice and burritos,

rice needs to be segregated outside that burrito.

I agree. I agree.

Thank you.

San Diego wins.

San Diego-- closer to Mexico.

I want to start with you, Amanda.

How is your relationship going versus how is your life going?

OK, this is interesting because I just recently got

a job offer in San Francisco.

- Beautiful city. - Yep.

So that's where my life is going.

Not as many bridges as Pittsburgh.

Not as many.

But some very famous bridges there.

So that's where your life is going?

So you're going? - I'm going.

You made up your mind? Yes.

Are you going?

I'm not going.

- You're not going? - Yet.

Yet.

Not yet, yeah.

Oh, there's a little dramatic pause there.

Have you had a serious talk here?

I mean, she just got a job offer in San Francisco.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

When did this whole thing happen?

When did it go down?

Two days ago.

Have you had a talk about this yet?

Sort of.

That sounds like a no.

Does he think the relationship is going to survive?

It'll work.

Like, I'll probably end up racking up some miles

flying back and forth.

Are there direct flights from Pittsburgh to San Francisco?

Yeah, there's one that leaves, like, at 6 AM.

There's one. There's one flight or car.

Yeah, there's one.

What's stopping you from going now?

I don't know.

So I actually started the company

that I work for right now.

- So you're your own boss? - Yeah.

Do you want him to go with you?

Yes.

I mean, I know he has to stay here for his startup.

I think we're trying to work out some, like,

commute every other week or something like that,

seems kind of crazy.

Tell him you're bringing in another expert

from the institute.

We're going to pull over for a second.

I have a colleague of mine.

What's up, buddy?

This is Alec.

I don't know. - Alec.

Alec, Allen. Nice to meet you.

- Amanda. - Amanda.

Nice to meet you.

Rebecca? OK.

- Why does everybody-- - You guys both did that.

Do you mean, Gregg? Hi, Gregg.

Hey, Gregg. I'm Allen.

My friend Gregg.

Women always dump him and move to San Francisco, too.

I'm going to say three or four phrases,

and you're going to tell me, on the count of three,

which one defines you.

I seek truth.

I seek beauty.

I seek a partner.

And the fourth one is, I seek myself.

You're both going to give your answer on the count of three

at the same time.

One, two, three.

Myself.

Partner.

You seek a partner?

Yeah.

And you seek yourself?

It's interesting because you're the one

who's going to San Francisco.

I noticed how you just scooched over.

Yeah.

You want to find out what you should be doing?

He sort of has figured out his path a little bit.

And I'm sort of just getting on that path.

You're stuck at retail. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, that's not what you want to do.

Yeah, that's not really what I want to do.

What do you want to do?

I mean, I want to work at an ad agency.

I want to be--

Is that what you're going do in San Francisco?

- Yeah. - Cool.

So this is an opportunity for you.

Yeah, so this is, like, my dream job.

This is-- but this wasn't in the city

that it might have been.

You said "partner."

Why?

I think for that exact reason.

I sort of figured out what I want for myself already.

Yeah.

And, like, I can figure out how to make how--

make that work.

You'd like to have a partner.

Yeah, exactly.

I think the two of you being geographically further

apart is actually going to bring you closer together.

That's my prediction.

Yeah.

Why, Judah?

Because of their answers and those

questions that you just gave them.

You just felt like saying something to me?

No, because she's-- no.

My name is Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach, who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you graduated from Staten Island Technical School.

So shouldn't you be fixing my car right now?

Well, I didn't go to school to fix cars.

It was more, you know, computer graphics and things like that.

Sort of like designing cars and--

No, not cars.

There's nothing to do with cars.

It was more just drafting and, you know, building some things.

OK, I shouldn't be telling you this.

But my ex-husband, Darren, he works at a car dealership

and can get you a very sweet deal

and maybe a very sweet job.

But you'd have to mention that I referred to you

so that he could sort of--

Well, I don't really need a car or a job

because I'm pretty set for both of those things, but thanks.

Sweetheart, I've heard that before.

And as soon as it come, it go away, you know, money or job.

Or husbands.

Yes, yeah, although he's coming back.

Just give him a couple more years.

But, seriously, I love your song "Girls Chase Boys"

because, you know, I chased my ex-husband a lot.

You know, there have been police chases relating

to me chasing my ex-husband.

So that song is, like-- it's like you wrote it for me.

It's not about one woman chasing after one man--

I just--

like a lunatic.

It's about, like, culture.

It's about a girl who's been wrongfully dumped--

It's not about that.

by her husband.

And she is going to chase him no matter what gets in her way.

Oh, you are insane.

And I think your hat is insane.

And by that, I mean cool.

So your songs have been featured multiple times

on "Grey's Anatomy."

Yeah.

No.

When someone asks you that, I want your response

to be no unless you want a bunch of middle-aged women

who are obsessed with Patrick Dempsey

listening to your music.

Uh-oh, too late, you know.

Actually, most of my fan base are girls from the age

of, like, 16 to 30, mid-30s.

So you're wrong.

But thanks for that good advice.

You don't have many friends, do you?

I don't know.

So how did you come up with the name Ingrid Michaelson?

That's my name.

No, no, no, I know.

But, like, what inspired you to use,

like, "girl name, boy name-son?"

No, that's the name I was born with.

My parents gave me the first name,

and the last name was my dad's last name.

So--

OK, well, regardless of whether or not you picked it,

I think that we could do a little work on it,

you know, like, glam it up a little.

Instead of Ingrid Michaelson, maybe we want to do,

like, you know, Ingrid Starlight, you know.

So your advice to me is to abandon the name

that I've had my whole life and have, you know,

built a fan base.

Everyone knows me as Ingrid Michaelson.

And so you think I should change now 10 years into my career

to Ingrid Starlight?

I'm just saying I hear Michaelson,

and I go, you know, it's like it's not cute.

Janessa.

You know, you do-- you are onto

something because Janessa Michaelson

is actually a pretty good name.

I think you've really learned a lot today, Ingrid.

What do you think?

I think I want to get out of here.

Was that because you want me to sit with you?

No, please don't get any closer to me.

But, honestly, I feel like we're just

like girls who chase boys, and, like,

I feel like the world has to just, like, deal.

Yeah, you're really close.

Like, I feel like you're invading my personal space.

Right.

I must have the wrong house.

Sister.

Oh, I missed you so much.

They waited up all night for you, you know.

It's a long way from West Africa.

Oh, coffee.

He's here.

I brought you something from far away.

Really?

Oh.

What are you doing?

You're my present this year.

The best part of waking up

is Folgers in your cup.

See, I smelled it.

He's back.

Ryan, you have to leave.

What?

What are you guys talking about?

We know what's going on here.

We know you're talking to each other.

What?

No.

Oh, please, brothers and sisters don't

look at each other like that.

He sent you to West Africa for a reason, Ryan, to separate you

and your sister. - You're crazy.

Oh, yeah.

What's this?

He's my present this year.

Jesus Christ.

OK, we're .

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I'm your son, and I'm in love with your daughter.

Ugh!

Ryan, what is in that box?

What's in the box, Ryan?

- It's mine. - Give it.

Stop.

Unbelievable.

Holy shit.

Emily, I love the way we have so much in common

because we grew up together.

And I just want to wake up every morning

to the smell of you and Folgers Colombian Dark Roast.

Emily, will you make me the happiest brother?

Dad, get off of him.

Stop the fighting.

I love him.

Oh, no!

No! Stop it!

Stop it!

No!

No!

I just want to my brother.

Waking up is Folgers in your cup.

Ah, sorry.

I had to go to three Taco Bells before I

found one that would put Fritos on a Doritos shell taco.

Jesus.

What's going on?

Not much, girl.

Oh, this is new.

I had LASIK.

When?

I was only gone for, like, 15 minutes.

Yeah, I had one of those at-home

LASIK guys just pop over.

Pretty sure that's not a thing.

Oh, relax.

What's the worst that could happen?

I go blind.

Yes.

What?

No one told me.

This is why you should run things by me, Abby.

I'm not just here to ruin your fun.

Give it.

Kind of feels like you are.

Trust me, I'm not.

Give it.

I can take care of myself.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I can't.

Too much work to do.

You know, Abby?

I still have no idea what you do.

You sound like everyone.

For the first time, I'm a general entrepreneur.

What does that mean?

God, who's assisting who here, huh?

By the way, I need you to find my pants.

They are somewhere near the bathroom.

You don't need to take your pants off all the way to pee.

You've never seen me pee.

Actually, I have, and you still

haven't answered my question.

Listen, Abye, I oversee things, OK?

I say what goes where.

I show them the money.

No, you're just quoting lines from "Jerry Maguire."

You had me at hi.

It's not even right.

It's not my fault. A criminal took my eyes.

OK, just tell me how I can help.

Can you proofread this text I just wrote?

Wow, this is oddly perfect.

You even spelled hypothesis right.

That one's easy.

It's right, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, right,

left.

Holy crap.

You're like the Rain Man of texting.

Yeah, I'm a really good texter.

And that's a solid Dustin Hoffman impression.

Who's that?

Should've known.

I'm just really coordinated, Abye.

It's a gift.

I think you spilled something.

Excuse me, Ms. Young, I found your pants near my cubicle.

Who's that?

Mark?

No.

Abye?

I've been here the whole time.

It's Derek.

Of course, Derek.

I don't know who that is.

What does he look like?

OK, he's got, like--

he's so average, like, brown hair,

kind of looks like a boring Ryan Gosling.

You know how some guys have, like, angular noses and, like,

really high cheekbones?

Yeah, this guy does not have those.

I mean, he has a nose.

But I have no way to describe it, like, normal?

You know, Ms. Young, I've been working for you for a year now.

Oh, perfect.

Tell Abye what I do.

Actually, I have no idea.

You always say you complete me.

Did you just see "Jerry Maguire" or something?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Oh, no.

Where's your underwear?

I had to pee.

In 1995, I was struggling

to write my second novel.

At that time, there were only maybe

three things you could do to distract yourself as opposed

to now with the internet, you can

distract yourself endlessly.

In the back of "The Village Voice,"

you had these erotically charged ads for these phone services.

And the straight line was $3.99 a minute,

and the gay line was $0.15 a minute.

I was quite broke.

And in this case, it paid to be open-minded.

This one guy left a message that he wanted

to meet someone in a hotel room and box

while wearing underwear.

And I thought, well, that's innocent enough.

Hello?

I heard your message on the bulletin board.

Yeah, you like the box?

Yeah, I said, trying to match his gruff tone.

What do you do for a living?

And I hesitated because I figured he was hoping that I

would be a butcher or maybe a prison guard or something

like that, something tough.

No, I'm a writer.

Really?

I'm a writer.

I told him I was working on the novel,

but it was going terribly.

Well, maybe you need a break, some exercise.

Listen, let's get a room at the St. Mark's Hotel.

I have gloves and headgear.

We're good to go.

Offers like that don't come often in life.

In fact, they almost never do.

So I was like, OK, yes.

And an hour later, I was at the St. Mark's Hotel.

We're all set to box.

And then out of nowhere, he proposes whoever

loses has to-- you know.

And I said to him, listen, I'm just here for the boxing.

And he was respectful of my boundaries,

and then he hit me in the head.

We start fighting.

And he's just pounding me, hitting me all over the place.

Out of nowhere, the fight took on a new level of intensity.

I was in a boxing match in a hotel room.

I mean, how did this happen?

It's so unusual.

I could sense that he was disappointed

that I had set a boundary.

But I think it helped his fighting because he

was hitting me hard, perhaps hoping

to knock some sense into me.

This ain't good.

I know you're confused.

I know you're a depressive.

But you can fight better than this.

I believe in you.

Suddenly, something rose out of me.

And I threw a jab, which kind of snapped him back.

And then I threw a beautiful right.

And then he jabs his hip on the dresser.

Oh, god.

Damn it. - Oh, my god.

Are you OK?

Listen, buddy, no more fighting.

We don't have good chemistry.

And I thought that was an interesting way to put it.

Chemistry had nothing to do with it.

I had knocked him out.

I felt bad seeing him in pain.

The whole thing kind of blown up.

But in the jungle of life, sometimes you

have to look after yourself.

So the best thing to do is just get

dressed and get out of there.

Well, look, good luck with your book.

Yep, good luck with your book, too, buddy.

It was nice meeting you.

And so we parted amicably, two writers

wishing each other well.

Let's talk about winter depression,

or, as it's sometimes known, Seasonal

Affective Disorder, or SAD.

But before you go blaming your gloom on winter depression,

let's not forget every season is depressing.

First up is spring, the season where animals

wake up out of hibernation and begin murdering other animals.

Spring is also the opening of our nation's

swimming pools, the leading cause of death

for children under five.

Feeling better?

Don't.

Summer brings less clothes, along with unrealistic beauty

standards, like a made-up problem called thigh gap.

You'll also get to celebrate the 4th of July, a national holiday

designed around charred meats and people

blowing off their fingers.

And if you're still not sad, just

listen to your air conditioner.

As it burns through the Earth's resources,

ruining our planet for all the babies who didn't

already die during the spring.

Now that's what I call a summer bummer.

Finally, there's fall, the season

of back-to-school shopping, which

I would be doing right now if Donna

had just locked that pool gate.

Woulda, coulda, shouldas.

And football's back, time to sit back, relax,

and watch full-grown men destroy their brains for our amusement.

Hut, hut.

Who am I?

And that brings us back to winter.

And, honestly, if this is the only time

of year you're depressed, consider yourself lucky.

The world is terribly depressing all year round.

Thanks for watching "SciVids."

What?

Can you please put the floss away?

No.

Oh, yeah, buddy, this stall has the most leg room.

Pete. I'm sorry.

Sir, are you OK?

Well, what happened?

You guys got to help my girl.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Calm down.

But he died here tonight.

Little Barack died here tonight.

Oh, my god.

What happened?

She got up on the table to dance.

She slipped.

She dropped him, and she fell on him.

But I've never dropped him before.

Honestly, I've never dropped him before.

I've done it, like, a thousand million times.

I've never dropped him.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I fell out.

Oh.

In the fourth grade, it was my turn

to take home the class hamster.

It died before he even got out of the classroom.

Little Barack is a dog, not a hamster.

Yeah, it's a fucking dog, man.

Whoa, Really?

He's the most precious dog that ever was.

And I loved him.

He's so small, I can't believe he even has bones.

OK, OK, guys, look, I'm really sorry.

But how can we help you in the bathroom?

We need to bury him.

What? Where?

Let's see.

Like a goldfish.

Exactly.

Baby, it's a dog.

Not anymore.

Now he's an angel.

All right, fine.

Sink it.

So now we've come to the point of the service,

where, if anyone has any last words,

now would be the time to say those words.

I have something to say.

No, you don't.

I loved Little Barack forever.

But I know that he's in heaven now, and he's with my parents.

And I know that they love him just as much as I did,

which is good because there wasn't a lot of love

between them, especially towards the end of my father's cancer,

because he's been seeing another woman.

He's really good, baby.

Thanks.

All right, guys, sink it.

Amen.

All right, well, that's it.

Let's get a drink, baby.

I don't want to drink anything again ever.

Wait, the toilet is clogged.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Don't hurt him.

Baby, he's already dead.

Oh, he lost his other eye, gross.

- Phillip. - Oh, my god.

What is happening?

Why won't Little Barack flush down?

He won't fit.

Little guy won't fit.

Oh, my god.

His insides are coming out of his mouth.

Oh, that should do it.

Nope, he's back again.