All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E07.Whats.Going.on.Where.Did.That.Come.From.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Haley, where are the
scripts for the read-through?

Oh, the printer actually
didn't have any toner in it.

Well, just email them to us.

I didn't write them.

Oh, god.

My neck is killing me.

I spent the night at a new
girl's place last night.

You had to
sleep cool, right?

Yeah.

Oh.

What do you mean, sleep cool?

You know, when you're
sleeping at somebody's place

for the first time, so you
sleep in like an attractive way,

even though it's super
uncomfortable, just

because if you were
to sleep normal,

we all look like
slobbering dogs, you know?

Right.

Like when I sleep alone,
it's like, you know, gross.

But when I sleep with a
girl for the first time,

I'm usually hitting
something like--

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh you
look like Marky Mark.

Marky Mark?

He's making a comeback.

Thank you.

Like, if I'm
with someone new,

you know, I'm gonna to
sleep like, yo, what up?

I'm asleep.

You know?

But like, and
I've been dating for a year,

so now, it's just like--

like, I'm the guy doing
like the "Thriller" dance,

but like lazy.

Yeah, I do that too,
just sort of arms back,

sort of like a loose tab.

I don't sleep with
anyone at all because I'm

waiting for my husband.

But I do sleep with
a full face of makeup

on, just in case
there's paparazzi.

That's cool.

Yeah.

OK, that's insane.

Com eon, Sarah, you've
for sure slept cool before.

All right, I
normally sleep like--

OK.

Oh, no, Sarah, you
touch when you sleep?

OK, that is not cool.

You sleep creepy.

You don't sleep cool.

OK, no.

I don't sleep creepy.

You sleep a little creepy.

I don't sleep creepy.

And you know what?

I don't want to sleep cool, OK?

I don't want to sleep.

I like cuddling, OK?

I want to relax.

I want-- I want my
gross face to be

right next to their gross face.

OK?

I like that someone will be
the last thing that I see

before I go to bed at night.

OK?

And it's not because I'm lonely.

OK?

And it's not
because it's New Year's Eve.

You really dropped into
the speech from "When Harry

Met Sally" there at the end.

That was weird.

I love that movie.

Oh, hey, Ben, he's
sleeping cool.

That's pretty cool, yeah.

Seriously?

Feel it.

Feel it.

My husband still sleeps cool.

I mean, it's fine.

I sleep cool too.

My husband and I have sex cool.

It's not-- It's not good sex,
but we-- yeah, we're cool.

Ben, can you please
not sleep at work?

Hello, Robert.

And thank you so
much for coming in.

"Back to the Future,"
title doesn't make any sense.

But we love the script.
- All right.

Great.

Let's start with
the first scene.

All right?

Marty, yeah, he's a cool
young guy, love to skateboard.

Very charming.

Oh, my god,
Marty is so cool.

But then, Robert,
we turn the page,

and the first thing
that Marty does

is he skateboards, still cool,
to an old crazy scientist's

house at 7:00 AM in the morning.

That's insane, and
I'm uncomfortable.

Marty and
Doc have no business

ever being in the same
room together unsupervised.

Their relationship
is disgusting.

It would make more
sense if they were rivals.

You know, an old
psychotic villain

against a young
normal white hero--

that's something I get.

Well, I guess
it's a little strange.

But I saw them working
together as a team.

Whatever.

OK.

Now, on the other hand, I
love Marty's relationship

with his girlfriend Jennifer.

That's fun.
- There you go.

A young attractive
couple-- that'll

really hook an audience.

But we lose Jennifer on page 14.

We don't see her
again until page 82.

Where'd she go?

That's because the
relationship between Marty

and Jennifer is replaced by a
new relationship between Marty

and his mother, which
is also horrifying.

What are you doing?

I see that as-- as kind of
the fun of the time travel.

- Oh, no.
- Wow.

Robert, that's not fun.

That's severe
psychological damage

between a boy and his mother.

That's two lives ruined.

It might make a decent
psychological thriller.

Is that what this is, Robert?

You've written a
disgusting script.

You should be proud of that.

I really saw it
more as a comedy.

OK.
OK.

OK.
OK.

OK.

So we'll have Jennifer
go back in time with him.

That would help.

Because as you have
it, Marty immediately

gets involved with his
mother, which is awful.

And then he goes right
back to the crazy old man

scientist's house.

You are obsessed
with that old man.

And I hate you for it.

Let's go to page 21
where Marty is being chased

by some Libyan
terrorists, but then

he crashes into a barn in 1955.

What's going on?

Where did that come from?

Where are we?

That's the scene where he
first travels back in time.

And that's where
you lose me, Barb,

Derry, and all of America.

He crashes his car into a barn.

He scares some dumb-dumb family,
and then he hides the car?

OK, if I'm back in 1955, and I'm
cruising around in a DeLorean,

I'm the king, baby.

I'm just spitballing here
an idea for a parade scene.

Getting all the
wet in town.

Marty's dancing, huh?

Marty sows his
wild oats in 1955.

Then he goes back to
settle down with Jennifer

on the camping trip.

- I'm back.
- Yes.

That's your movie.

That's much better
than the title

you have, "Back to the Barn"
or whatever it's called.

It's bad.
- I don't know.

Or how about we
just cut the time

traveling crap all together.

What really holds
the film together

is that Marty and Jennifer
are going to go camping.

I really love that.

Then we can cut
that horrible Biff

character who
nearly rapes Marty's

mother at the school dance.

I mean, come on.

I was almost raped.

Robert, you have some
frightening sexual issues

that I think you need to work
out before you make this movie.

I don't want to be making any
of these changes to the script.

He's in denial.

Come back, Robert, OK?

Please make the changes.

We love it too much to not have
you change the whole thing.

But yeah, we're not gonna make
your crazy old man-scientist

incest, freak show movie.

Go back to the car or
whatever your movie is.

Get out.

I love to eat.

I've always been
a very fast eater.

I'm a busy guy normally, so
I try to eat as fast as I

can so I get back to the boat.

I work on a boat.

Oh, man.

Looks good.

Chicken, broccoli, potatoes,
what is this, carrot cake?

Cool.

OK, I could totally do
this in four seconds.

Let me just warm up my
throat a little bit.

Come on.

OK, man, can I do
it one more time?

I swear I could do it.

I was almost there.

OK.

All right, I got it this time.

That last one was
just a warm up.

Four seconds, four seconds.

I don't think I could do it.

Now that I think about it,
four seconds seems impossible.

There's four
different foods here.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I have a question.

If I want to say something
funny but not interject,

can I just say it
as I'm looking here?

.
- But don't hit this?

Yeah, I might do that sometimes.

Cool.

I'm thinking yesterday,
there's some instances

where I said some
funny stuff, but he

was in the middle of stuff.

Yeah, I think
that'd be great.

Here we go.

Hi.

- Hi, Alec.
- Yeah.

I'm Kendall.
Nice to meet you.

How are you doing?
How are you doing?

Nice to meet you.
This is random.

Now, I understand
you were like very

religious at one point.

Yeah, I was.

So was Greg.
So was Greg.

Hi, Greg.

Greg, what's the name
of the Church you're in?

Yeah, he's deeply committed.

Oh, yeah.

He should be deeply committed.

How old are you now?
- 33.

You work in the same
restaurant together?

Yeah.
What are you now?

47.

So when you met,
you-- you were 40?

You were the 40-year-old
busboy stand-up comic.

And she's the smoking
hot, born-again waitress?

Yes.

He's a born-again busboy.

She had gone on tour
with this Christian band.

What is the backstage
groupie sex things

like at a Christian rock band?

It's a backstage groupie,
like, who can I marry thing?

Who can I get into
an eternal commitment

in the eyes of God ?
Yes.

Yes.
- Do you want to get married?

You are married.
- We are married.

- You guys are married.
- We are.

So he's a 40-year-old
bus boy, stand-up comic.

Could you pass that up?

You're like, put
a ring on it, baby.

This is perfect.

Put a ring on it.

As a matter of fact,
let's act that out.

Let's do an improv.
You're a busboy--

Yeah.
--we're there.

And I'll just be
like a customer.

And you're gonna wait on me.
- OK.

Ready to go.

- Hi, welcome to Nakama.
- Hey.

Thanks very much.

What can I get for you?

I'd like to have
a seaweed salad.

OK.

And, excuse me?

I dropped my fork.

Could you clean this up please?

Could you get me a
new fork, please?

Of course.
Of course.

That's my fault.

You need to be
flirty with her.

Let's roll play.

Can I see you over here?

Yeah, in a minute.

So seaweed salad--

Seaweed salad,
edamame, no salt.

OK.

And I'll have a rainbow
roll to start, please.

I love those.

Those are my favorite.

So where are you from?

Oh, I live right here in town.
Are you really?

What about you?

I'm from New York, actually.

Oh, I've always wanted
to go to New York.

Have you really?
- Are you an actor?

I am an actor, actually.

Yeah, I work in
the movie business.

That's so exciting.

Wow, she's definitely
got the hots for Alec.

This relationship's over.

You know, there's
something about you.

You're kind of a smoking
hot woman here, like,

are you in the show
business yourself?

I've been told I should be.

This is gonna be the first
Christian, porn, busboy film

ever made.

When are you gonna
start hitting on her?

Probably after the actor
from New York leaves.

How you get
along with his kids?

Oh, I love them.
They're great.

Some people sometimes
mistake that you're

their girlfriend, right?

That has happened.

You're standing
there, and they think

you're the son's girlfriend.

We were at a
restaurant together.

It was kind of embarrassing.

You don't have it,
cause you're-- you know,

you're who you are.

For like the older
guy, it's mortifying.

I'd say--

Oh, I get it, trust me.

Ha, ha, ha for the older one.

It's a horrific--

As soon as I'm gone--
--mortifying.

people look at my wife.

They're like, you know what?

Let's put grandpa to bed
and you and I can go--

you try to make yourself look
younger, like baseball caps?

I try.
I mean--

Try to get this
young thing going.

Trying to get
right in the middle

where I'm not embarrassing
myself by doing it too much.

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

Yeah.

You need to do a
little style makeover.

You think so?
Yeah.

You want to know why?

Because you got this like,
boy-- man-boy thing going on.

Alec, I think it's working.

She's smoking hot.
Yeah.

And she's not your girlfriend.

She's your wife.
- Right.

Right.
Right.

You need to get .

Like, get a blazer.
Yeah.

And dress like a man.

I know, but I don't have
any like functions that I--

that I would like--
- Who give a--

I got a function for you.

You're banging her.

That's the function you
want to be dressing for.

There we go.

Do you want this to last?

Oh, it'll last.

I'm an expert at girls.

There's no question.

You're an expert on girls?

Expert at girls.

Not playing second base
for the Yankees this April.

Yeah.

A busboy should not
be able to get this.

Maybe she's like--

like, there's some obsessive
neurological disorder.

Well, there could be.

Who do you work for?

Well, I work for
a contract company.

We do like JetBlue
and Allegiant.

I've been at the airport
for like 20 years.

You own your company?

I'm an independent
consultant for them.

But I make enough money that
I can do it when I want to.

It's going well?
- It's going really well.

You got a good
job in Pittsburgh,

and you got a good
job in Pittsburgh.

Yeah.

I'm going to retire him
by the end of this year.

He won't have to
work at all anymore.

You're kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding.
HUSBAND I worked two jobs--

You got a smoking hot wife
who's gonna pay the bills?

I know.

You didn't even
shave for the show.

What the is
going on here, man?

I don't get it.
I work--

Some of these
lazy slobs like you

will get all the pot of gold.

- He's funny--
- I work--

- and he's very good in bed.
- I work--

What makes him good in bed?

He-- I told you
he's a giver, right?

He's very intuitive--

He's patient?

Uh-huh.

I think they should
make out right now.

Oh, what time is
the reservation?

8:00.

OK, do you know
how to get there?

Yeah.
Yeah Yeah.

I got it covered.

And where is the happy
couple headed tonight?

I'm sorry, is that your dad?

Yeah, I'm trying out this
new app, Google dad directions.

Destination Wolf and Grandy.

Huh?

Wolf and Grandy.

I can just put
this in my phone.

Don't MapQuest it.

Their directions are wrong.

Let me tell you
how to get there.

This'll take five seconds and
it'll save you 10 minutes.

All right?
- Fine.

All right.

All right, so you want
to make a right onto Main

and go straight until
you hit the old Teds.

It's not called Ted's anymore.

Where are you guys going again?

Wolf and Grandy.

Why
are you going there?

That place is so overpriced.

Where you want to
go is the Gaslight

Grill, great eggplant parm.

You know I hate eggplant parm.

It gives me Gerd.

It gives him Gerd.

I think if you
tried their eggplant parm,

you'd like it.
- He's tried it.

Okey "dokers."

Now, you want to keep straight
until the Donut Man, unless you

want to dip in, pick me up
one of those chocolate eclairs

I love.

I'm just kidding.

Your mother would kill me.

Can we please shut this off?

Ah, ah,
Buddy, I want

to see two hands on that wheel.

Oh, a China family
lives over there now.

Dad?

Destination arrived.

This is a dead end.

That's impossible.

We are staring at it.

Well, you must have made
a wrong turn somewhere.

OK, I know how to
get out of this.

Just go ahead and back up,
back up, keep backing--

speaking of ba-- how
did that backpack

I got you for Christmas
workout with the reflector

and the jangles?

Gave it to goodwill.

All
right, now-- now,

coming up, there's a shortcut.

We don't
need a shortcut.

You got to
take Steven Hands Path

and cut through all the
traffic on Jefferson.

Let me draw you a map.

What is this?

This is just--
pick up batteries.

We're not getting
you batteries, Frank.

Now,
at the Johnson place,

you remember that creep, you'll
see one of the tiny windmills.

in the yard.

So you want to ignore that.

I said, I know
damn well I bought

the beers in New Hampshire.

But I drank them here.

I should be able
to get my deposit.

Why should I pay town taxes?

It doesn't matter
if I have a sticker.

I should be able
to use the dump.

It's closed.

Wolf and Grandy is closed.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I-- I can make it up to you.

I'll tell you what is open
now, the Gaslight Grille.

And I'll tell you
how to get there.

Back it up, get right
back on the highway.

Do you remember everything I
said for the last 45 minutes,

but in reverse?

Hello and welcome
to "Cocktails."

My guest today, you've seen her
on "Chelsea Lately" and "Girl

Code," Annie Lederman.

Welcome.

Cheers, thanks for having me.

OK, so, Annie, if anything
I say to you or ask you

makes you uncomfortable,
you can use

our safe word, which today's
safe word is "Free Wifi."

So like for example, if
I like do this, noth--

oh, I guess we-- maybe I
just need the safe word then.

Do you remember
how we first met?

No.

We met at the Comedy Store.

And you flashed me.

I saw your boobs, which
I think about often.

They are better than mine.

I think you flashed me first.

And I was like, oh, does this
girl think that like she's

going to flash me?

So then I flashed you.

And then I think you grabbed.

You were like, I'll one up it.

And you grabbed.

I actually-- I feel like
I remember this differently.

I just went up to you
and went like this.

I think that's what happened.

You assaulted me?

Yeah.

And you loved it.

Is that a promise?

Am I relapsing?

Is today the day?

You said that you had
like a weird parents thing.

I did a podcast
where they specifically

were like asking me like
about my crazy sexual

stories from when I drank.

And your mom listened.

My parents listened to
it on a like a road trip.

And what did they say to you?

She goes, oh, you were
like telling like you're

like slut stories or whatever.

And I was like, but
you turned it off?

And she's like, no, we
listened to the whole thing.

And I was like, mom.

If you could be a
sex toy, what sex toy

would you be and why?

For "Girl Code" I had
to put on a strap-on.

Uh-huh.

I'm pretty much--
just call me Peg Bundy,

because this is my new life.

So I would want to maybe be
a strap-on because it brings

so much joy to people like me.

What advice would you
give to your teenage self?

Keep the nipple rings in.

Blue balls aren't real.

Blue balls are fake.

And if they're not
fake, it doesn't matter.

It's not a problem.

Because I really, really
fell for blue balls a lot.

What are you gonna
leave me hanging?

It was like, I guess not.

Don't be too
attached to the guys

you're dating, because they
will all end up in prison

or die of overdoses.

Don't bang in the cars you
stole, because it leaves DNA.

And--

I think that's
enough great advice.

OK.

How many times do you think
your parents have sex per week?

They have a sex tape.

My dad told me pretty recently.

He let that one out.

- Do you have a sex tape?
- Me?

Oh, god, I hope not.

I have one, but
it's from high school.

Oh, cute.

Yeah, if you do all your
sex tapes before you turn 18,

then you never have
an issue, because it's

illegal child porn.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Do you have any advice or
tips for how to pick up a guy?

I use the old, just
tell them exactly

what you're going to do.

It's always an accident
when it turns into dating.

Right.

Just like, how did-- how
is this still happening?

It's so weird.

Is that what happened
with your boyfriend now?

It's like a three-year
one-night stand.

Well, we moved in right together
because I was living in my car.

He didn't have a car, and
I was living in my car.

So it was like together,
we became one person.

He was really co-dependent.

Now, let's have a condom
balloon animal contest.

OK.

I haven't seen one
of these in awhile.

Yeah, I really don't
even know how to do it.

What is this?

I'm going to make an owl.

I like when guys are like,
my dick won't fit in it.

OK.

I will ask .

You can't really
do the things you

need to do to make an animal.

That's the duck?
- That's an owl.

Oh, that's
actually pretty good.

Annie, thank you so
much for being on my show.

Thank you.

I just want you to know I
did something really special

for the show.
- What?

I shaved my knees.

As a thank you, I got
you this parting gift.

It's a sexy nurse costume.

Oh, my god.

Thank you.

I think it'll look
really good on you.

Oh, god, it will look great.

Can you make the vagina wider?

You should try it on.

I said I shaved my knees, OK?

I didn't say I
shaved anything else.

Thanks for watching.

I'm Bryan Kevyn.

And I'm Kellany Martynez.

And this is "You Look Awful."

The show where
we take one woman--

who looks awful--

and make her look--

-not awful.

Look in the mirror.

You look awful.

You look awful.

Jeanine?

Yeah?

You look awful.

Excuse me?

You look awful.

you.

What's-- what's your problem?

No, no, no.

It's "You Look Awful,"
the makeover show.

Oh, my god.
Really?

Yes.

You look awful.

You guys are
gonna make me over?

Yeah,
because you look awful.

You look really awful.

You look awful.

Can you stop saying that now?

OK, Jeanine, before
we can make you over,

we have to figure
out what specifically

makes you look so awful.

I'll start.

Your hair-- your
hair looks awful.

I agree.

Also, your face--
your face looks awful.

- Your makeup.
- Your clothes.

Your shoes.

I like these shoes.

Oh, your voice--
your voice is awful.

- Your ears.
- Your body.

Yeah, the way you sit.

The way
you stand, I'm guessing.

You know what?

I'll just save some time,
and I'll say everything.

Everything is awful.

Yeah, Jeanine,
everything about you

looks awful.

You look awful.

Let's do it.

Hi, I'm Sharyn.

And I'm gonna be
doing your makeup.

Hi.
Great.

Wow, you really do look awful.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Jovyn.

I'm gonna be doing
your hair today.

Oh, great.

Now, have you
always worn a wig?

Is this part of your
regular routine?

Oh, this is my hair.

This is not-- it's not a wig.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna fix your eyes.

It's the first
thing I'm gonna do,

because they're
completely wrong.

Your nose is wrong.

So we need to fix
that right away.

Were you wearing
a hat earlier today,

and that's why it's so yuck?

Blah.

No.

And then, we're going
to do some contouring

and shading so that your
face looks like a face.

How funny are your bangs?

Oh, well, we're gonna
get right to it.

Jeanine, come on out.

Look in the mirror.

You look gorgeous.

I love it.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you should thank us.

Yeah, because it
was very difficult.

You looked so awful before.

Yeah, you looked so awful.

Yeah, at one
point, I was like, I

think we should just give up.

I wanted to give up.

I told her-- I was
like, I give up.

I'm just gonna leave,
because we can't do it.

Yeah, it was so hard,
because you looked so gross.

Yeah.

Join us next week, when we
make over a woman who looks

just as awful as Jeanine did--

on--

"You Look Awful."

This is Max.

He joined our family
eight months ago.

Honestly, we didn't feel
ready to have a baby yet.

And we weren't.

That's why we got a pet baby.

Oh.

Pet Baby is
perfect for couples

thinking about having
a baby, but who

aren't quite ready for the
full commitment of parenthood.

You get that real
baby experience,

because it is a real baby.

But it's also a pet baby, so
you can treat it like a pet.

Fetch.

Good, boy.

Like, if we want to go
have drinks with friends,

we just put it in
it's baby house,

throw it a big juicy bone.

Mommy's gonna get drunk now.

And you know, we can take him
out for a walk on his leash.

We also trained it to
pick up its own poop.

No, you did.

It's amazing.

Pick it up.

Good, boy.

I just do not want to be one
of those people that brings

a crying baby on the plane.

My god.

Those people are monsters.

Enjoy the flight.

When you get tired of Pet
Baby, you can just pack it up.

And they have free
return shipping.

Honey, did we ever find out
where pet babies come from?

I don't know.

We'd like to have
our own baby someday.

When we're ready.

But for now, I'd like to enjoy
my late 20s and early 30s.

You're 34.