Original subtitles

Haley, where are the scripts for the read-through?

Oh, the printer actually didn't have any toner in it.

Well, just email them to us.

I didn't write them.

Oh, god.

My neck is killing me.

I spent the night at a new girl's place last night.

You had to sleep cool, right?

Yeah.

Oh.

What do you mean, sleep cool?

You know, when you're sleeping at somebody's place

for the first time, so you sleep in like an attractive way,

even though it's super uncomfortable, just

because if you were to sleep normal,

we all look like slobbering dogs, you know?

Right.

Like when I sleep alone, it's like, you know, gross.

But when I sleep with a girl for the first time,

I'm usually hitting something like--

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh you look like Marky Mark.

Marky Mark?

He's making a comeback.

Thank you.

Like, if I'm with someone new,

you know, I'm gonna to sleep like, yo, what up?

I'm asleep.

You know?

But like, and I've been dating for a year,

so now, it's just like--

like, I'm the guy doing like the "Thriller" dance,

but like lazy.

Yeah, I do that too, just sort of arms back,

sort of like a loose tab.

I don't sleep with anyone at all because I'm

waiting for my husband.

But I do sleep with a full face of makeup

on, just in case there's paparazzi.

That's cool.

Yeah.

OK, that's insane.

Com eon, Sarah, you've for sure slept cool before.

All right, I normally sleep like--

OK.

Oh, no, Sarah, you touch when you sleep?

OK, that is not cool.

You sleep creepy.

You don't sleep cool.

OK, no.

I don't sleep creepy.

You sleep a little creepy.

I don't sleep creepy.

And you know what?

I don't want to sleep cool, OK?

I don't want to sleep.

I like cuddling, OK?

I want to relax.

I want-- I want my gross face to be

right next to their gross face.

OK?

I like that someone will be the last thing that I see

before I go to bed at night.

OK?

And it's not because I'm lonely.

OK?

And it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

You really dropped into the speech from "When Harry

Met Sally" there at the end.

That was weird.

I love that movie.

Oh, hey, Ben, he's sleeping cool.

That's pretty cool, yeah.

Seriously?

Feel it.

Feel it.

My husband still sleeps cool.

I mean, it's fine.

I sleep cool too.

My husband and I have sex cool.

It's not-- It's not good sex, but we-- yeah, we're cool.

Ben, can you please not sleep at work?

Hello, Robert.

And thank you so much for coming in.

"Back to the Future," title doesn't make any sense.

But we love the script. - All right.

Great.

Let's start with the first scene.

All right?

Marty, yeah, he's a cool young guy, love to skateboard.

Very charming.

Oh, my god, Marty is so cool.

But then, Robert, we turn the page,

and the first thing that Marty does

is he skateboards, still cool, to an old crazy scientist's

house at 7:00 AM in the morning.

That's insane, and I'm uncomfortable.

Marty and Doc have no business

ever being in the same room together unsupervised.

Their relationship is disgusting.

It would make more sense if they were rivals.

You know, an old psychotic villain

against a young normal white hero--

that's something I get.

Well, I guess it's a little strange.

But I saw them working together as a team.

Whatever.

OK.

Now, on the other hand, I love Marty's relationship

with his girlfriend Jennifer.

That's fun. - There you go.

A young attractive couple-- that'll

really hook an audience.

But we lose Jennifer on page 14.

We don't see her again until page 82.

Where'd she go?

That's because the relationship between Marty

and Jennifer is replaced by a new relationship between Marty

and his mother, which is also horrifying.

What are you doing?

I see that as-- as kind of the fun of the time travel.

- Oh, no. - Wow.

Robert, that's not fun.

That's severe psychological damage

between a boy and his mother.

That's two lives ruined.

It might make a decent psychological thriller.

Is that what this is, Robert?

You've written a disgusting script.

You should be proud of that.

I really saw it more as a comedy.

OK. OK.

OK. OK.

OK.

So we'll have Jennifer go back in time with him.

That would help.

Because as you have it, Marty immediately

gets involved with his mother, which is awful.

And then he goes right back to the crazy old man

scientist's house.

You are obsessed with that old man.

And I hate you for it.

Let's go to page 21 where Marty is being chased

by some Libyan terrorists, but then

he crashes into a barn in 1955.

What's going on?

Where did that come from?

Where are we?

That's the scene where he first travels back in time.

And that's where you lose me, Barb,

Derry, and all of America.

He crashes his car into a barn.

He scares some dumb-dumb family, and then he hides the car?

OK, if I'm back in 1955, and I'm cruising around in a DeLorean,

I'm the king, baby.

I'm just spitballing here an idea for a parade scene.

Getting all the wet in town.

Marty's dancing, huh?

Marty sows his wild oats in 1955.

Then he goes back to settle down with Jennifer

on the camping trip.

- I'm back. - Yes.

That's your movie.

That's much better than the title

you have, "Back to the Barn" or whatever it's called.

It's bad. - I don't know.

Or how about we just cut the time

traveling crap all together.

What really holds the film together

is that Marty and Jennifer are going to go camping.

I really love that.

Then we can cut that horrible Biff

character who nearly rapes Marty's

mother at the school dance.

I mean, come on.

I was almost raped.

Robert, you have some frightening sexual issues

that I think you need to work out before you make this movie.

I don't want to be making any of these changes to the script.

He's in denial.

Come back, Robert, OK?

Please make the changes.

We love it too much to not have you change the whole thing.

But yeah, we're not gonna make your crazy old man-scientist

incest, freak show movie.

Go back to the car or whatever your movie is.

Get out.

I love to eat.

I've always been a very fast eater.

I'm a busy guy normally, so I try to eat as fast as I

can so I get back to the boat.

I work on a boat.

Oh, man.

Looks good.

Chicken, broccoli, potatoes, what is this, carrot cake?

Cool.

OK, I could totally do this in four seconds.

Let me just warm up my throat a little bit.

Come on.

OK, man, can I do it one more time?

I swear I could do it.

I was almost there.

OK.

All right, I got it this time.

That last one was just a warm up.

Four seconds, four seconds.

I don't think I could do it.

Now that I think about it, four seconds seems impossible.

There's four different foods here.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I have a question.

If I want to say something funny but not interject,

can I just say it as I'm looking here?

. - But don't hit this?

Yeah, I might do that sometimes.

Cool.

I'm thinking yesterday, there's some instances

where I said some funny stuff, but he

was in the middle of stuff.

Yeah, I think that'd be great.

Here we go.

Hi.

- Hi, Alec. - Yeah.

I'm Kendall. Nice to meet you.

How are you doing? How are you doing?

Nice to meet you. This is random.

Now, I understand you were like very

religious at one point.

Yeah, I was.

So was Greg. So was Greg.

Hi, Greg.

Greg, what's the name of the Church you're in?

Yeah, he's deeply committed.

Oh, yeah.

He should be deeply committed.

How old are you now? - 33.

You work in the same restaurant together?

Yeah. What are you now?

47.

So when you met, you-- you were 40?

You were the 40-year-old busboy stand-up comic.

And she's the smoking hot, born-again waitress?

Yes.

He's a born-again busboy.

She had gone on tour with this Christian band.

What is the backstage groupie sex things

like at a Christian rock band?

It's a backstage groupie, like, who can I marry thing?

Who can I get into an eternal commitment

in the eyes of God ? Yes.

Yes. - Do you want to get married?

You are married. - We are married.

- You guys are married. - We are.

So he's a 40-year-old bus boy, stand-up comic.

Could you pass that up?

You're like, put a ring on it, baby.

This is perfect.

Put a ring on it.

As a matter of fact, let's act that out.

Let's do an improv. You're a busboy--

Yeah. --we're there.

And I'll just be like a customer.

And you're gonna wait on me. - OK.

Ready to go.

- Hi, welcome to Nakama. - Hey.

Thanks very much.

What can I get for you?

I'd like to have a seaweed salad.

OK.

And, excuse me?

I dropped my fork.

Could you clean this up please?

Could you get me a new fork, please?

Of course. Of course.

That's my fault.

You need to be flirty with her.

Let's roll play.

Can I see you over here?

Yeah, in a minute.

So seaweed salad--

Seaweed salad, edamame, no salt.

OK.

And I'll have a rainbow roll to start, please.

I love those.

Those are my favorite.

So where are you from?

Oh, I live right here in town. Are you really?

What about you?

I'm from New York, actually.

Oh, I've always wanted to go to New York.

Have you really? - Are you an actor?

I am an actor, actually.

Yeah, I work in the movie business.

That's so exciting.

Wow, she's definitely got the hots for Alec.

This relationship's over.

You know, there's something about you.

You're kind of a smoking hot woman here, like,

are you in the show business yourself?

I've been told I should be.

This is gonna be the first Christian, porn, busboy film

ever made.

When are you gonna start hitting on her?

Probably after the actor from New York leaves.

How you get along with his kids?

Oh, I love them. They're great.

Some people sometimes mistake that you're

their girlfriend, right?

That has happened.

You're standing there, and they think

you're the son's girlfriend.

We were at a restaurant together.

It was kind of embarrassing.

You don't have it, cause you're-- you know,

you're who you are.

For like the older guy, it's mortifying.

I'd say--

Oh, I get it, trust me.

Ha, ha, ha for the older one.

It's a horrific--

As soon as I'm gone-- --mortifying.

people look at my wife.

They're like, you know what?

Let's put grandpa to bed and you and I can go--

you try to make yourself look younger, like baseball caps?

I try. I mean--

Try to get this young thing going.

Trying to get right in the middle

where I'm not embarrassing myself by doing it too much.

Can I give you a piece of advice?

Yeah.

You need to do a little style makeover.

You think so? Yeah.

You want to know why?

Because you got this like, boy-- man-boy thing going on.

Alec, I think it's working.

She's smoking hot. Yeah.

And she's not your girlfriend.

She's your wife. - Right.

Right. Right.

You need to get .

Like, get a blazer. Yeah.

And dress like a man.

I know, but I don't have any like functions that I--

that I would like-- - Who give a--

I got a function for you.

You're banging her.

That's the function you want to be dressing for.

There we go.

Do you want this to last?

Oh, it'll last.

I'm an expert at girls.

There's no question.

You're an expert on girls?

Expert at girls.

Not playing second base for the Yankees this April.

Yeah.

A busboy should not be able to get this.

Maybe she's like--

like, there's some obsessive neurological disorder.

Well, there could be.

Who do you work for?

Well, I work for a contract company.

We do like JetBlue and Allegiant.

I've been at the airport for like 20 years.

You own your company?

I'm an independent consultant for them.

But I make enough money that I can do it when I want to.

It's going well? - It's going really well.

You got a good job in Pittsburgh,

and you got a good job in Pittsburgh.

Yeah.

I'm going to retire him by the end of this year.

He won't have to work at all anymore.

You're kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding. HUSBAND I worked two jobs--

You got a smoking hot wife who's gonna pay the bills?

I know.

You didn't even shave for the show.

What the is going on here, man?

I don't get it. I work--

Some of these lazy slobs like you

will get all the pot of gold.

- He's funny-- - I work--

- and he's very good in bed. - I work--

What makes him good in bed?

He-- I told you he's a giver, right?

He's very intuitive--

He's patient?

Uh-huh.

I think they should make out right now.

Oh, what time is the reservation?

8:00.

OK, do you know how to get there?

Yeah. Yeah Yeah.

I got it covered.

And where is the happy couple headed tonight?

I'm sorry, is that your dad?

Yeah, I'm trying out this new app, Google dad directions.

Destination Wolf and Grandy.

Huh?

Wolf and Grandy.

I can just put this in my phone.

Don't MapQuest it.

Their directions are wrong.

Let me tell you how to get there.

This'll take five seconds and it'll save you 10 minutes.

All right? - Fine.

All right.

All right, so you want to make a right onto Main

and go straight until you hit the old Teds.

It's not called Ted's anymore.

Where are you guys going again?

Wolf and Grandy.

Why are you going there?

That place is so overpriced.

Where you want to go is the Gaslight

Grill, great eggplant parm.

You know I hate eggplant parm.

It gives me Gerd.

It gives him Gerd.

I think if you tried their eggplant parm,

you'd like it. - He's tried it.

Okey "dokers."

Now, you want to keep straight until the Donut Man, unless you

want to dip in, pick me up one of those chocolate eclairs

I love.

I'm just kidding.

Your mother would kill me.

Can we please shut this off?

Ah, ah, Buddy, I want

to see two hands on that wheel.

Oh, a China family lives over there now.

Dad?

Destination arrived.

This is a dead end.

That's impossible.

We are staring at it.

Well, you must have made a wrong turn somewhere.

OK, I know how to get out of this.

Just go ahead and back up, back up, keep backing--

speaking of ba-- how did that backpack

I got you for Christmas workout with the reflector

and the jangles?

Gave it to goodwill.

All right, now-- now,

coming up, there's a shortcut.

We don't need a shortcut.

You got to take Steven Hands Path

and cut through all the traffic on Jefferson.

Let me draw you a map.

What is this?

This is just-- pick up batteries.

We're not getting you batteries, Frank.

Now, at the Johnson place,

you remember that creep, you'll see one of the tiny windmills.

in the yard.

So you want to ignore that.

I said, I know damn well I bought

the beers in New Hampshire.

But I drank them here.

I should be able to get my deposit.

Why should I pay town taxes?

It doesn't matter if I have a sticker.

I should be able to use the dump.

It's closed.

Wolf and Grandy is closed.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I-- I can make it up to you.

I'll tell you what is open now, the Gaslight Grille.

And I'll tell you how to get there.

Back it up, get right back on the highway.

Do you remember everything I said for the last 45 minutes,

but in reverse?

Hello and welcome to "Cocktails."

My guest today, you've seen her on "Chelsea Lately" and "Girl

Code," Annie Lederman.

Welcome.

Cheers, thanks for having me.

OK, so, Annie, if anything I say to you or ask you

makes you uncomfortable, you can use

our safe word, which today's safe word is "Free Wifi."

So like for example, if I like do this, noth--

oh, I guess we-- maybe I just need the safe word then.

Do you remember how we first met?

No.

We met at the Comedy Store.

And you flashed me.

I saw your boobs, which I think about often.

They are better than mine.

I think you flashed me first.

And I was like, oh, does this girl think that like she's

going to flash me?

So then I flashed you.

And then I think you grabbed.

You were like, I'll one up it.

And you grabbed.

I actually-- I feel like I remember this differently.

I just went up to you and went like this.

I think that's what happened.

You assaulted me?

Yeah.

And you loved it.

Is that a promise?

Am I relapsing?

Is today the day?

You said that you had like a weird parents thing.

I did a podcast where they specifically

were like asking me like about my crazy sexual

stories from when I drank.

And your mom listened.

My parents listened to it on a like a road trip.

And what did they say to you?

She goes, oh, you were like telling like you're

like slut stories or whatever.

And I was like, but you turned it off?

And she's like, no, we listened to the whole thing.

And I was like, mom.

If you could be a sex toy, what sex toy

would you be and why?

For "Girl Code" I had to put on a strap-on.

Uh-huh.

I'm pretty much-- just call me Peg Bundy,

because this is my new life.

So I would want to maybe be a strap-on because it brings

so much joy to people like me.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Keep the nipple rings in.

Blue balls aren't real.

Blue balls are fake.

And if they're not fake, it doesn't matter.

It's not a problem.

Because I really, really fell for blue balls a lot.

What are you gonna leave me hanging?

It was like, I guess not.

Don't be too attached to the guys

you're dating, because they will all end up in prison

or die of overdoses.

Don't bang in the cars you stole, because it leaves DNA.

And--

I think that's enough great advice.

OK.

How many times do you think your parents have sex per week?

They have a sex tape.

My dad told me pretty recently.

He let that one out.

- Do you have a sex tape? - Me?

Oh, god, I hope not.

I have one, but it's from high school.

Oh, cute.

Yeah, if you do all your sex tapes before you turn 18,

then you never have an issue, because it's

illegal child porn.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Do you have any advice or tips for how to pick up a guy?

I use the old, just tell them exactly

what you're going to do.

It's always an accident when it turns into dating.

Right.

Just like, how did-- how is this still happening?

It's so weird.

Is that what happened with your boyfriend now?

It's like a three-year one-night stand.

Well, we moved in right together because I was living in my car.

He didn't have a car, and I was living in my car.

So it was like together, we became one person.

He was really co-dependent.

Now, let's have a condom balloon animal contest.

OK.

I haven't seen one of these in awhile.

Yeah, I really don't even know how to do it.

What is this?

I'm going to make an owl.

I like when guys are like, my dick won't fit in it.

OK.

I will ask .

You can't really do the things you

need to do to make an animal.

That's the duck? - That's an owl.

Oh, that's actually pretty good.

Annie, thank you so much for being on my show.

Thank you.

I just want you to know I did something really special

for the show. - What?

I shaved my knees.

As a thank you, I got you this parting gift.

It's a sexy nurse costume.

Oh, my god.

Thank you.

I think it'll look really good on you.

Oh, god, it will look great.

Can you make the vagina wider?

You should try it on.

I said I shaved my knees, OK?

I didn't say I shaved anything else.

Thanks for watching.

I'm Bryan Kevyn.

And I'm Kellany Martynez.

And this is "You Look Awful."

The show where we take one woman--

who looks awful--

and make her look--

-not awful.

Look in the mirror.

You look awful.

You look awful.

Jeanine?

Yeah?

You look awful.

Excuse me?

You look awful.

you.

What's-- what's your problem?

No, no, no.

It's "You Look Awful," the makeover show.

Oh, my god. Really?

Yes.

You look awful.

You guys are gonna make me over?

Yeah, because you look awful.

You look really awful.

You look awful.

Can you stop saying that now?

OK, Jeanine, before we can make you over,

we have to figure out what specifically

makes you look so awful.

I'll start.

Your hair-- your hair looks awful.

I agree.

Also, your face-- your face looks awful.

- Your makeup. - Your clothes.

Your shoes.

I like these shoes.

Oh, your voice-- your voice is awful.

- Your ears. - Your body.

Yeah, the way you sit.

The way you stand, I'm guessing.

You know what?

I'll just save some time, and I'll say everything.

Everything is awful.

Yeah, Jeanine, everything about you

looks awful.

You look awful.

Let's do it.

Hi, I'm Sharyn.

And I'm gonna be doing your makeup.

Hi. Great.

Wow, you really do look awful.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Jovyn.

I'm gonna be doing your hair today.

Oh, great.

Now, have you always worn a wig?

Is this part of your regular routine?

Oh, this is my hair.

This is not-- it's not a wig.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna fix your eyes.

It's the first thing I'm gonna do,

because they're completely wrong.

Your nose is wrong.

So we need to fix that right away.

Were you wearing a hat earlier today,

and that's why it's so yuck?

Blah.

No.

And then, we're going to do some contouring

and shading so that your face looks like a face.

How funny are your bangs?

Oh, well, we're gonna get right to it.

Jeanine, come on out.

Look in the mirror.

You look gorgeous.

I love it.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you should thank us.

Yeah, because it was very difficult.

You looked so awful before.

Yeah, you looked so awful.

Yeah, at one point, I was like, I

think we should just give up.

I wanted to give up.

I told her-- I was like, I give up.

I'm just gonna leave, because we can't do it.

Yeah, it was so hard, because you looked so gross.

Yeah.

Join us next week, when we make over a woman who looks

just as awful as Jeanine did--

on--

"You Look Awful."

This is Max.

He joined our family eight months ago.

Honestly, we didn't feel ready to have a baby yet.

And we weren't.

That's why we got a pet baby.

Oh.

Pet Baby is perfect for couples

thinking about having a baby, but who

aren't quite ready for the full commitment of parenthood.

You get that real baby experience,

because it is a real baby.

But it's also a pet baby, so you can treat it like a pet.

Fetch.

Good, boy.

Like, if we want to go have drinks with friends,

we just put it in it's baby house,

throw it a big juicy bone.

Mommy's gonna get drunk now.

And you know, we can take him out for a walk on his leash.

We also trained it to pick up its own poop.

No, you did.

It's amazing.

Pick it up.

Good, boy.

I just do not want to be one of those people that brings

a crying baby on the plane.

My god.

Those people are monsters.

Enjoy the flight.

When you get tired of Pet Baby, you can just pack it up.

And they have free return shipping.

Honey, did we ever find out where pet babies come from?

I don't know.

We'd like to have our own baby someday.

When we're ready.

But for now, I'd like to enjoy my late 20s and early 30s.

You're 34.