Original subtitles

Well this is going to be quite the adventure.

It's so shiny.

Is this pauper food?

I have always wanted to try low-class eating.

It's called a burrito.

A hoozy what's it?

Oh, yes, I've read about these in some of my books.

You actually have to take the metal off it.

OK, it's so pretty.

You know, you can actually use your hands.

I am, I'm using my hands.

I think I saw the dwarves use their hands once.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, that's good.

Bro, this so good.

Damn, , this is good.

I could really go for a beer.

Do we have any Beer

Lumiere, get the in here.

Have you had a burrito?

Girl, this is a shit right here.

I finally have seen the world.

Oh, my God.

Damn, you know what we got to do?

We've got to get some Nintendo 64, invite Mulan.

She can bring that cool dragon dude.

I want to be where the people are.

I want to be a-swimming, dancing.

Ooh, this is like money.

This tastes like money.

Ooh, [stomach rumbles].

Oh, God.

My stomach feels like a witch's cauldron.

I think I've actually never even pooped.

It's only something I've read about.

And I think I'm going to my pants right now.

I got to go. I'm sorry.

You got, got a hot towel, some forceps

because this baby's coming.

He's coming in hot.

OK, can you give me the elixir to fix me now?

Hi, I'm Maura. And I'm Dom.

What's up?

And this is the commentary

track for a party hookup.

Hey, your Jen's sister's roommate Linda, right?

Close, it's Maura.

Have we met?

Yeah, I think we met at the "Saved by the Bell" theme party

on that floating barge.

Oh, yeah.

You came as Lisa Turtle.

I remembered your name and exactly where we met.

I just didn't want to seem like one

of those stalkers or something.

Yeah, it's probably a good move.

I remember thinking you were cute.

Nice.

But I had no idea what your name was.

No, I'm fine with that.

What were you doing over there?

I was giving you signals left and right.

Oh, I knew.

You knew?

Yeah, it's called antigame.

I ignore you, thereby enhancing my allure.

OK, well that's my move, the uh-this-guy face.

Are you kidding me?

That's not a move.

OK, well, you know what?

Here's my move.

I have tits and a puss.

Wow.

And that works every time.

I love dancing.

You love dancing?

You love standing.

Well, I'm a guy.

I don't have to move.

Cool.

Wow, we were really drinking a lot.

No I don't remember .

This is right where I blacked out.

Oh my God.

I never do stuff like this.

Don't worry, babe.

I do this all the time.

The sober me would have left after that line.

What?

That's a great line.

Babies have been made because of that line.

Holy shit.

You look like a clown.

Worth it.

So should we get out of here?

Oh, real smooth.

Sure, we can go back to my place.

Good, because I don't have a place.

Wait a second.

We already slept together?

I knew it.

Oops.

Oops. Let's do it again.

OK.

All right.

Yeah, we should probably date, right?

No.

It's just mayonnaise and ketchup, special sauce.

Oh, hey.

Mia, hi there.

All right, hi, welcome.

Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming in. Have a stand right over there.

That'll be great.

So we will be shooting this in Paris.

And we don't have a script.

So we're very excited to build this character

around the actress.

This is how all movies are made.

This is very typical so--

OK.

So why don't you just tell us a story?

It can be about anything.

Whenever you're ready.

My aunt used to live in Paris actually.

She used to tell us the story about how she jumped

into the river once barefoot.

She smiled, leapt without looking

and humbled into the--

Love the delivery.

Thing is, the aunt, she sounds like a big character,

like a big personality.

We don't want that.

We want you.

We want bland.

Think like, a like a small-town girl who

loves old Hollywood but who doesn't know

what Citizen Kane even is.

Yeah, that's that movie with that guy.

- Exactly. - Good.

- That's it, great. - That's it.

I'm cool. I get it.

So whenever you're ready.

But just remember, we're looking for ah.

Blah.

- Blah. - Blech.

Eyore.

Blech.

Unfortunately, I'm not that boring.

I am dating a musician, a famous one.

He's the keyboardist for the Messengers.

Sorry.

Sorry, I mean, nobody knows who the that is.

She reminds me of my friend Marcy.

Do you remember Marcy?

Oh, she's great.

She is great.

She was telling everybody that she

was dating an Olympic athlete.

But turns out, he was just a shot putter from Lithuania.

- Sorry. - She died.

- I heard. - Yeah.

I'm sorry about that.

You don't think I'm boring though, right?

I think you are that Banana Republic, sale-rack

v-neck you're wearing.

You're human denim.

That's good. That's what we want.

That's good.

So just use that and go with it.

Funny thing about me is I hate jazz.

And my boyfriend's been teaching me to appreciate it.

It's not that funny, actually.

- No, it's not funny. - It's not funny.

It's not weird.

Most boring white women don't like jazz.

And then most boring white men want to teach them about it.

I actually did not think we'd find someone so vanilla.

- Yeah. - But she is perfect.

You are perfect. - I'm an actress.

I mean, I can be anything you want.

You know who's an actress?

Viola Davis.

Oh, she was the best and "Fences."

Blew me away.

I was transfixed.

I was in another world.

I was transported.

You know what else is a great movie, I heard.

"Moonlight."

I was going to go see it tonight 8:00.

- Yeah. - We can make it.

Wait, we have to leave now. - OK.

We have to go now.

Yeah.

- Is my audition over? - Oh, my God.

- Ah. - Oh.

- OK - I'm sorry.

I forgot that you were still here.

Miss, you're still here.

Yeah you are very good at blending into things.

Oh, great job.

We'll keep in touch.

What's Moonlight?

Is it a documentary about the moon?

My aunt went there once.

She smiled.

Hi, and welcome to "Cocktails."

My guest today is Ginger Gonzaga.

And you've seen her on "Togetherness" and the upcoming

show, "I'm Dying Up Here."

Welcome. - Thank you.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for having me.

So if anything I say to you or ask you today

makes you uncomfortable, you can just use the safe word.

And today's safe word is "a number four with fries."

A number four with fries.

Great.

So if I was like, can I touch your--

- Number four with fries. - OK, got it.

OK.

Sorry, very religious background.

What is the best dating advice you've ever received?

I think I only give good dating advice.

Ooh, what's the best dating advice you've given?

Well, I always make sure that I

have a man walk me to my car after a date

so that I don't rape anybody.

You know?

OK, let's have a dirty talk contest.

So we're each going to say a dirty line.

And whoever laughs first loses.

OK.

Your eyes make my heart wet.

It could be a medical condition.

Can I touch you there?

All right.

I can do that last one, right?

I said dirty talk.

I did not say role playing was eligible.

That's a different game.

That was just a request for consent.

What is your role-playing fantasy?

My role-playing fantasy is where it doesn't end up sexual.

It just ends up really informative and funny.

Like, maybe I'm playing like Pocahontas.

And then he's like, John Smith.

Or her, who cares.

That's how wild we're getting.

And then they say something like, "who's your daddy?"

And then I turn around and I go, his name was Shekhawat

and he's of the Powhatan people.

And his land was ruined by people

who wanted to steal his maize.

And now the Native Americans no longer exist.

And that's who my father was.

I'm touched.

How does sex in your relationship get initiated?

Sometimes just like weird dancing.

Yeah.

Usually, I'm doing weird dancing.

Then my boyfriend's like, that's hot.

And I'm like, no, it's supposed to be weird and funny.

Like what?

Will you teach me how to do one?

- A weird dance? - Yeah.

I - Don't have like one dance.

But I think there's kind of a recipe.

Like a technique?

Yeah.

So first is just, pick what you want to move.

I'm only going to be moving my legs and my hips.

I will not be using my arms.

OK, I'll do arms.

And then the next thing is to just look, like, your face

can't be dancing.

It has to be like, maybe you don't want to be here.

OK.

And then it's just not involved.

And then just start moving.

OK.

Is anyone turned on?

What's the most memorable place you've ever had sex?

Probably the beach.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

That feels so dirty.

Well, we had a blanket.

The thing that was dirty about it

was, we couldn't find the used condom afterwards.

And then later, it was like stuck somehow on my car.

That reminds me of this one time I ate macaroni and cheese.

And then like two hours later, it was on my forehead.

I was like, I don't know.

Been there.

Yeah.

What's the hottest thing a guy has ever done for you?

Hottest thing?

The hottest thing a guy ever did for me was he--

I was wearing like thigh highs.

And he really slowly like took off my thigh high.

And I thought it was really cute.

But then he like put it on his head and tied it.

And he was like, I have to go rob

a liquor store real quickly.

Then it wasn't hot because he had things to do.

But I assumed he was going to go steal some condoms for us.

So it's still pretty sexy.

That is very imaginative.

Do you think that the bush is back or I'm lazy?

Oh, I love how much information

I got from that in a question.

I don't know.

I'd have to go to the gym and see

what all the ladies are doing, which I don't like to do.

Yeah, I feel like I like to really

keep to myself at the gym.

Do you need to change at the gym?

Can't you just wear your gym clothes together?

I don't know. Come on.

Stop it.

Some people are so happy to just be like, we're

all women and naked together.

We all have showers at home.

Yes.

Ginger, thank you so much for being on my show.

Thanks for having me.

As a parting gift--

Oh, my gosh.

I would like to present to you the stripper pole.

Already know how to do it.

I'm in a fasten it in the same way

you would a tether ball pole.

Yeah.

I'll just a a tire, some cement, put that in the middle.

Thanks for watching.

Yeah, I'm gonna be so good on it.

I can really see it.

Please, come in.

Oh, boy.

It's Cory.

Oh, hi.

- Cory, it's Alec. - How are you?

Hi, Alec.

Are you Jack?

I'm Alec.

I know.

Where are you from in Jersey?

I'm from Middletown.

You're from Middletown.

And you're from where in Texas?

I'm from a small town east of Waco.

Do you want tell us what the name of the town is?

Yeah, Teague, Teague, Texas.

You're from Teague.

I know Teague. - Teague, Texas.

That's where I flamed out with my drug habit.

Oh, there you go.

Is Teague big?

Now, with men in Teague, are they big?

Um.

I don't mean that way.

I mean a big, are they big, powerful?

- They're tall guys. - They're tall.

They're cowboys. - They're tall.

The cowboy hats. - Yes, cowboys.

Where'd you two meet?

We met in Las Vegas.

What were you doing in Vegas, Cory?

I was there on a girls' weekend.

Now describe what you mean by a girls' weekend.

So how long were you apart?

For most of the relationship.

How'd that work?

No, I will say because we were in long distance,

all we have is a.

Telephone so we got to know each other a lot better.

How long have you been dating?

It'll be about three years coming

up in March, that we met.

What's the glue that holds you two lovebirds together?

His sense of humor is good.

He's funny. He has a sense of humor.

- He's a funny guy. - What do you like about her?

She's sweet.

Come on.

Don't keep that stupid ass, she's sweet.

She's like--

What do guys mean, Greg, when they say she's sweet?

Yeah, she's sweet.

She hooks up in Vegas but she's sweet.

What is something that you think

you would like to change about yourself in the relationship?

I stress a lot.

You stress a lot.

And how does that manifest itself?

Do you punch him in the face?

I take it out on him, yeah.

Any little things he does wrong, I just want to, hmm.

You want to strangle him.

When I'm having a serious conversation,

he doesn't need to like lighten the mood just

fart all of a sudden, like.

Now, I didn't want to bring that up.

But you brought it up.

Do you think that cutting the queso

is the worst problem in your relationship?

What do you want to improve about yourself,

other than getting a grip on your bowels there?

I could probably shed a few pounds.

Do you think you're a good boyfriend?

For the most part, yeah.

How is the relationship now?

It's good, probably stronger than it's ever been.

Yeah.

Stronger than-- Well, if you're in the same town,

let's hope so. Yeah, of course.

Where do you think you're headed?

Ooh, yeah.

Day by day, that's always--

I gotta put a coat on.

We met in Vegas.

Marriage is not a goal?

Oh, yeah, eventually.

Eventually, with him?

If things keep going good.

Do you tell each other your secrets?

Here, put this over your head.

Can you hear me in the isolation booth?

No.

Great, it works.

Tell me like, one incredibly important secret about you.

Probably that eventually I'm going

to have to go back to Texas.

OK.

You can come out of the isolation booth now.

Did you hear anything that she said?

No.

Honestly you didn't?

No, I didn't.

Thank God because this relationship would be over.

If she wanted you to move away to New

Jersey or somewhere else, would you be able to do that?

I would have to consider it.

What if she told you she wanted

you to live in Teague, Texas in some little butthole town?

Do me a favor. I want you to do me a favor.

Close your eyes right now.

Close your eyes.

And I want you to think, I'm living in Teague, Texas.

How's it going for you?

Are you happy?

Yeah, I'd be happy.

You would be happy?

But it would be lacking.

There'd be something missing.

Other than good cannolis, what would you be missing?

- Oh, God. - This a good start.

He's open to the idea because you realize that we could drop

him off in the corner and Greg would drive you to the airport

right now.

And he would go with you to Teague.

Oh, yeah?

He would go with you to Teague tomorrow.

And what about you?

What if he didn't want to go?

Would you stay in New Jersey?

I would.

You both seem level-headed and you seem

like you care about each other.

So either way, if you're open to either one,

the correct answer will reveal itself.

We've arrived at the end of our destination.

What have you gotten out of this at all?

Some great advice.

Hey, do you want to hear a joke I wrote?

OK.

OK, did you hear about the new director's cut burrito?

What?

The director's cut burrito?

What are you talking about?

I'm telling you the joke.

A burrito?

It's a joke about a burrito.

Is that a thing, a directors--

No, no, no, I made it up.

It's part of the joke. It's just--

I thought you were changing subjects.

No, that's how it starts.

Then why didn't you finish it?

Because you're supposed to ask me about the burrito.

I did.

I asked what the heck you were talking about.

Yeah, that's not how you're supposed to say that.

Oh, what do I have, lines in your joke?

What is this, a show?

All right, let's try again.

I'm going to ask if you've heard of the burrito.

And you say no.

And you ask what it's about.

OK, dude.

Go ahead.

Hey, did you hear about the new director's cut burrito?

No, I didn't.

What is that?

It comes with all of the deleted beans.

Do you get it?

Do you get it?

Shit like this is why you're getting fired.

What?

Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft,

Microsoft, Microsoft, PowerPoint.

Hello, YouTube.

We are the kings of PowerPoint.

We are so good at presentations

that we can prove literally anything with a PowerPoint.

Tonight's topic--

You should eat popcorn with your butt.

Sounds delicious.

Let's get to work.

All right, point one, it's already coming out of your butt

anyway.

Yeah, the usual path of popcorn is mouth, belly, butt.

Here's an idea.

What if it was just butt, butt.

What?

Butt, a butt.

It goes into your butt.

It comes out of your butt.

All right, next slide.

Tone those glutes.

With all that butt masticating you're going to be doing,

that crunching and that chewing, you're going to be getting

a firmer and tighter butt.

Yeah, and sexy, right?

And also disgusting because it's still

a butt, which brings us to our next point.

Your butt is already gross.

This is a big one, guys.

Why have gross, buttery fingers and a gross butt

when you can just have one?

Yeah, my butt is gross.

My butt's grosser.

Oh.

It's like a tangled nest of hair and lint.

It's like a rashy hole that burns and spits.

One time I wiped my ass and a goblin came out.

You do not want to go in there.

So butter that butt.

Butter it up.

This also makes sharing bucket of popcorn way

more interesting.

Ooh, this sounds fun.

OK, let's say you're at a movie theater, right?

You got a single bucket of popcorn.

You got two butts just going after it, right?

Those butts will just be bumping.

Buttery, slippery, butts.

Ooh, bumping and munching.

You guys get it, you little filthy animals.

You little stinkers.

Can you imagine that, just like two

butts just bumping into each other, just slippery

and bumping.

Oh, you sick bastards.

You love it, you animals. You're sitting at home.

You're watching it. You're just like, oh, yeah.

Give me those buttery butts.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're disgusting.

You're gross because you like the gross stuff.

You nutjob.

Arg.

Grrr.

Arr.

Hell, yeah.

Case close.

Yeah, this is undeniable proof that you should

eat popcorn with your butt.

Yeah, once you go munch, I got a hunch

you're going to like it a bunch.

The boy version of Dr. Seuss right here.

One fish, two fish, red fish, eat popcorn with your butt.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to another episode of "Never Seen It,"

where we talk about a popular movie that we haven't seen

and try to guess what it's about.

Today on the show, we have Peter, Glenn, and Celeste.

And we're talking about the movie

"The Shawshank Redemption."

What is this movie about?

I think of an escape from a prison.

Definitely an escape.

I think Tim Robbins gets free.

Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison.

So this movie takes place in a prison, stars

Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins.

According to you guys, when does this movie take place?

The 90s?

OK.

Let me go with the 70s.

Really?

I don't why.

Oh I think like way earlier.

Like it's a period movie?

Yeah, I think it's like the '20s.

No, it's not.

They've got like regular jumpsuits on.

Dumbass.

What are these characters in prison for?

Tim Robbins is probably not supposed to be in prison.

I'm going to go with, he's wrongfully convicted.

He probably, someone kills his wife

and he probably gets in trouble.

He gets caught up in a murder.

W, P, W, T.

- What? - What?

Wrong place, wrong time?

Oh, W, P, W, T.

Yeah.

That's a thing.

Well, I just made it up.

I'm innocent, Red, just like everybody else here.

So Tim Robbins has a specific job before prison.

And that job kind of becomes a big part of the plot in prison.

Does he, does he dig things?

Yes, is he a construction worker?

Is he a grave digger?

He's a grave digger?

So he knows--

Well, he's a construction worker by day and a grave digger

by night.

You ignorant .

Who is the antagonist in this movie?

Prison system.

Probably the warden.

Yeah, oh sure.

There's definitely a mean warden, yeah.

Yeah, a mean warden.

And there's probably a prison bully, someone who's like--

Yeah.

You're my bitch.

And they're like, oh my God.

Your ass belongs to me.

Raquel Welch plays a two-dimensional

part in this movie.

What does she do?

She's like a cartoon character?

Is it like a "Space Jam" situation?

Let's play some basketball.

You guys mentioned that you think he escapes prison.

How do we get there? What happens?

How does this movie play out?

One thing I know about prison escapes

is they always involve digging through your cell wall

and going out through a hole.

I think I know this part because I've heard

people say how gross it is.

That he's in--

Does he go through poopy?

Oh, he goes through poop. You're right.

- He's goes through poopy. - Yeah.

Goes through poopy?

A classic dookie-filled escape.

Andy crawled to freedom through

500 yards of -smelling-smelling foulness I can't even imagine.

How long does it take him to escape?

A long time.

Long time.

Because he's like using a spoon to dig.

Oh, sure.

So he digs his way out, you're saying.

And then he squeezes through a hole.

And it takes him how long?

Just if you could guess.

A whole year.

1947, what is that, 19 years?

Tim gets out.

Morgan eventually gets out.

Tim leaves a box hidden for Morgan to find somewhere.

So he's like, when you get out, go find this box.

And there will be something for you inside.

What's inside for him?

Money?

That's the best part.

Congratulations.

You got this movie more right than wrong.

Yay.

We did it.

You did a pretty good job guessing

what this movie is about based off

nothing more than the poster.

That's goddamn right.

Do you guys think after talking about this movie

that you'll see it?

I'll see it.

OK.

I probably won't see it, because if I've

made it this long and not seeing it,

I just like probably, I don't know.

It's a point of pride?

Yeah, I guess.

Like, just like, I've never seen "Shawshank Redemption."

You know, it's like a conversation starter.

Oh my God, you've never seen Shawshank Redemption?

Dude, that's insane.

That's so interesting.

Let's have a conversation.

Yo, this was the guy I was talking about.

Come tell my friends about that movie

you haven't seen.

Yo, dude let's hang out.