All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S06E06.Astoundingly.Unexceptional.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Well this is going to
be quite the adventure.

It's so shiny.

Is this pauper food?

I have always wanted to
try low-class eating.

It's
called a burrito.

A hoozy what's it?

Oh, yes, I've read about
these in some of my books.

You actually
have to take the metal off it.

OK, it's so pretty.

You know, you
can actually use your hands.

I am, I'm using my hands.

I think I saw the dwarves
use their hands once.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, that's good.

Bro, this so good.

Damn, , this is good.

I could really go for a beer.

Do we have any Beer

Lumiere, get the
in here.

Have you had a burrito?

Girl, this is a
shit right here.

I finally have seen the world.

Oh, my God.

Damn, you know
what we got to do?

We've got to get some
Nintendo 64, invite Mulan.

She can bring that
cool dragon dude.

I want to
be where the people are.

I want to be
a-swimming, dancing.

Ooh, this is like money.

This tastes like money.

Ooh, [stomach rumbles].

Oh, God.

My stomach feels like
a witch's cauldron.

I think I've actually
never even pooped.

It's only something
I've read about.

And I think I'm going to
my pants right now.

I got to go.
I'm sorry.

You got, got a hot
towel, some forceps

because this baby's coming.

He's coming in hot.

OK, can you give me
the elixir to fix me now?

Hi, I'm Maura.
And I'm Dom.

What's up?

And this
is the commentary

track for a party hookup.

Hey, your Jen's sister's
roommate Linda, right?

Close, it's Maura.

Have we met?

Yeah, I think we met at the
"Saved by the Bell" theme party

on that floating barge.

Oh, yeah.

You came as Lisa Turtle.

I remembered your name
and exactly where we met.

I just didn't want
to seem like one

of those stalkers or something.

Yeah, it's
probably a good move.

I remember thinking
you were cute.

Nice.

But I had no
idea what your name was.

No, I'm fine with that.

What were you
doing over there?

I was giving you
signals left and right.

Oh, I knew.

You knew?

Yeah, it's called antigame.

I ignore you, thereby
enhancing my allure.

OK, well that's my
move, the uh-this-guy face.

Are you kidding me?

That's not a move.

OK, well, you know what?

Here's my move.

I have tits and a puss.

Wow.

And that
works every time.

I love dancing.

You love dancing?

You love standing.

Well, I'm a guy.

I don't have to move.

Cool.

Wow, we were
really drinking a lot.

No I don't remember .

This is right where
I blacked out.

Oh my God.

I never do stuff like this.

Don't worry, babe.

I do this all the time.

The sober me would
have left after that line.

What?

That's a great line.

Babies have been made
because of that line.

Holy shit.

You look like a clown.

Worth it.

So should we get out of here?

Oh, real smooth.

Sure, we can go
back to my place.

Good, because I
don't have a place.

Wait a second.

We already slept together?

I knew it.

Oops.

Oops.
Let's do it again.

OK.

All right.

Yeah, we should
probably date, right?

No.

It's just mayonnaise and
ketchup, special sauce.

Oh, hey.

Mia, hi there.

All right, hi, welcome.

Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming in.
Have a stand right over there.

That'll be great.

So we will be
shooting this in Paris.

And we don't have a script.

So we're very excited
to build this character

around the actress.

This is how all
movies are made.

This is very typical so--

OK.

So why don't you
just tell us a story?

It can be about anything.

Whenever you're ready.

My aunt used to live
in Paris actually.

She used to tell us the
story about how she jumped

into the river once barefoot.

She smiled,
leapt without looking

and humbled into the--

Love the delivery.

Thing is, the aunt, she
sounds like a big character,

like a big personality.

We don't want that.

We want you.

We want bland.

Think like, a like
a small-town girl who

loves old Hollywood
but who doesn't know

what Citizen Kane even is.

Yeah, that's that
movie with that guy.

- Exactly.
- Good.

- That's it, great.
- That's it.

I'm cool.
I get it.

So whenever you're ready.

But just remember,
we're looking for ah.

Blah.

- Blah.
- Blech.

Eyore.

Blech.

Unfortunately,
I'm not that boring.

I am dating a
musician, a famous one.

He's the keyboardist
for the Messengers.

Sorry.

Sorry, I mean, nobody
knows who the that is.

She reminds me of
my friend Marcy.

Do you remember Marcy?

Oh, she's great.

She is great.

She was telling
everybody that she

was dating an Olympic athlete.

But turns out, he was just a
shot putter from Lithuania.

- Sorry.
- She died.

- I heard.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry about that.

You don't think I'm
boring though, right?

I think you are that
Banana Republic, sale-rack

v-neck you're wearing.

You're human denim.

That's good.
That's what we want.

That's good.

So just use that and go with it.

Funny thing about
me is I hate jazz.

And my boyfriend's been
teaching me to appreciate it.

It's not that funny, actually.

- No, it's not funny.
- It's not funny.

It's not weird.

Most boring white
women don't like jazz.

And then most boring white men
want to teach them about it.

I actually did not think
we'd find someone so vanilla.

- Yeah.
- But she is perfect.

You are perfect.
- I'm an actress.

I mean, I can be
anything you want.

You know who's an actress?

Viola Davis.

Oh, she was the
best and "Fences."

Blew me away.

I was transfixed.

I was in another world.

I was transported.

You know what else is
a great movie, I heard.

"Moonlight."

I was going to go
see it tonight 8:00.

- Yeah.
- We can make it.

Wait, we have to leave now.
- OK.

We have to go now.

Yeah.

- Is my audition over?
- Oh, my God.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- OK
- I'm sorry.

I forgot that you
were still here.

Miss, you're still here.

Yeah you are very good
at blending into things.

Oh, great job.

We'll keep in touch.

What's Moonlight?

Is it a documentary
about the moon?

My aunt went there once.

She smiled.

Hi, and welcome
to "Cocktails."

My guest today is
Ginger Gonzaga.

And you've seen her on
"Togetherness" and the upcoming

show, "I'm Dying Up Here."

Welcome.
- Thank you.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for having me.

So if anything I say
to you or ask you today

makes you uncomfortable, you
can just use the safe word.

And today's safe word is
"a number four with fries."

A number four with fries.

Great.

So if I was like,
can I touch your--

- Number four with fries.
- OK, got it.

OK.

Sorry, very
religious background.

What is the best dating
advice you've ever received?

I think I only give
good dating advice.

Ooh, what's the best
dating advice you've given?

Well, I always
make sure that I

have a man walk me to
my car after a date

so that I don't rape anybody.

You know?

OK, let's have a
dirty talk contest.

So we're each going
to say a dirty line.

And whoever laughs first loses.

OK.

Your eyes make my heart wet.

It could be a
medical condition.

Can I touch you there?

All right.

I can do that last one, right?

I said dirty talk.

I did not say role
playing was eligible.

That's a different game.

That was just a
request for consent.

What is your
role-playing fantasy?

My role-playing fantasy is
where it doesn't end up sexual.

It just ends up really
informative and funny.

Like, maybe I'm playing
like Pocahontas.

And then he's like, John Smith.

Or her, who cares.

That's how wild we're getting.

And then they say something
like, "who's your daddy?"

And then I turn around and
I go, his name was Shekhawat

and he's of the Powhatan people.

And his land was
ruined by people

who wanted to steal his maize.

And now the Native
Americans no longer exist.

And that's who my father was.

I'm touched.

How does sex in your
relationship get initiated?

Sometimes just
like weird dancing.

Yeah.

Usually, I'm
doing weird dancing.

Then my boyfriend's
like, that's hot.

And I'm like, no, it's
supposed to be weird and funny.

Like what?

Will you teach
me how to do one?

- A weird dance?
- Yeah.

I
- Don't have like one dance.

But I think there's
kind of a recipe.

Like a technique?

Yeah.

So first is just, pick
what you want to move.

I'm only going to be
moving my legs and my hips.

I will not be using my arms.

OK, I'll do arms.

And then the next thing is
to just look, like, your face

can't be dancing.

It has to be like, maybe
you don't want to be here.

OK.

And then it's
just not involved.

And then just start moving.

OK.

Is anyone turned on?

What's the most memorable
place you've ever had sex?

Probably the beach.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That feels so dirty.

Well, we had a blanket.

The thing that
was dirty about it

was, we couldn't find the
used condom afterwards.

And then later, it was like
stuck somehow on my car.

That reminds me of this one
time I ate macaroni and cheese.

And then like two hours
later, it was on my forehead.

I was like, I don't know.

Been there.

Yeah.

What's the hottest thing
a guy has ever done for you?

Hottest thing?

The hottest thing a guy
ever did for me was he--

I was wearing like thigh highs.

And he really slowly like
took off my thigh high.

And I thought it
was really cute.

But then he like put it
on his head and tied it.

And he was like,
I have to go rob

a liquor store real quickly.

Then it wasn't hot because
he had things to do.

But I assumed he was going to
go steal some condoms for us.

So it's still pretty sexy.

That is very imaginative.

Do you think that the
bush is back or I'm lazy?

Oh, I love how
much information

I got from that in a question.

I don't know.

I'd have to go to
the gym and see

what all the ladies are doing,
which I don't like to do.

Yeah, I feel like
I like to really

keep to myself at the gym.

Do you need to
change at the gym?

Can't you just wear your
gym clothes together?

I don't know.
Come on.

Stop it.

Some people are so happy
to just be like, we're

all women and naked together.

We all have showers at home.

Yes.

Ginger, thank you so
much for being on my show.

Thanks for having me.

As a parting gift--

Oh, my gosh.

I would like to present
to you the stripper pole.

Already know how to do it.

I'm in a fasten
it in the same way

you would a tether ball pole.

Yeah.

I'll just a a tire, some
cement, put that in the middle.

Thanks for watching.

Yeah, I'm gonna
be so good on it.

I can really see it.

Please, come in.

Oh, boy.

It's Cory.

Oh, hi.

- Cory, it's Alec.
- How are you?

Hi, Alec.

Are you Jack?

I'm Alec.

I know.

Where are
you from in Jersey?

I'm from Middletown.

You're from Middletown.

And you're from where in Texas?

I'm from a small
town east of Waco.

Do you want tell us what
the name of the town is?

Yeah, Teague, Teague, Texas.

You're from Teague.

I know Teague.
- Teague, Texas.

That's where I flamed
out with my drug habit.

Oh, there you go.

Is Teague big?

Now, with men in
Teague, are they big?

Um.

I don't mean that way.

I mean a big, are
they big, powerful?

- They're tall guys.
- They're tall.

They're cowboys.
- They're tall.

The cowboy hats.
- Yes, cowboys.

Where'd you two meet?

We met in Las Vegas.

What were you
doing in Vegas, Cory?

I was there on
a girls' weekend.

Now describe what you
mean by a girls' weekend.

So how long
were you apart?

For most of the relationship.

How'd that work?

No, I will say because
we were in long distance,

all we have is a.

Telephone so we got to know
each other a lot better.

How long have you been dating?

It'll be about
three years coming

up in March, that we met.

What's the glue that holds
you two lovebirds together?

His sense of humor is good.

He's funny.
He has a sense of humor.

- He's a funny guy.
- What do you like about her?

She's sweet.

Come on.

Don't keep that stupid
ass, she's sweet.

She's like--

What do guys mean, Greg,
when they say she's sweet?

Yeah, she's sweet.

She hooks up in
Vegas but she's sweet.

What is something
that you think

you would like to change about
yourself in the relationship?

I stress a lot.

You stress a lot.

And how does that
manifest itself?

Do you punch him in the face?

I take it out on him, yeah.

Any little things he does
wrong, I just want to, hmm.

You want to strangle him.

When I'm having a
serious conversation,

he doesn't need to like
lighten the mood just

fart all of a sudden, like.

Now, I didn't
want to bring that up.

But you brought it up.

Do you think that
cutting the queso

is the worst problem
in your relationship?

What do you want to
improve about yourself,

other than getting a grip
on your bowels there?

I could probably
shed a few pounds.

Do you think you're
a good boyfriend?

For the most part, yeah.

How is the relationship now?

It's good, probably
stronger than it's ever been.

Yeah.

Stronger than-- Well, if
you're in the same town,

let's hope so.
Yeah, of course.

Where do you
think you're headed?

Ooh, yeah.

Day by day, that's always--

I gotta put a coat on.

We met in Vegas.

Marriage is not a goal?

Oh, yeah, eventually.

Eventually, with him?

If things keep going good.

Do you tell each
other your secrets?

Here, put this over your head.

Can you hear me in
the isolation booth?

No.

Great, it works.

Tell me like, one incredibly
important secret about you.

Probably that
eventually I'm going

to have to go back to Texas.

OK.

You can come out of the
isolation booth now.

Did you hear anything
that she said?

No.

Honestly you didn't?

No, I didn't.

Thank God because this
relationship would be over.

If she wanted you
to move away to New

Jersey or somewhere else,
would you be able to do that?

I would have to consider it.

What if she told
you she wanted

you to live in Teague, Texas
in some little butthole town?

Do me a favor.
I want you to do me a favor.

Close your eyes right now.

Close your eyes.

And I want you to think,
I'm living in Teague, Texas.

How's it going for you?

Are you happy?

Yeah, I'd be happy.

You would be happy?

But it would be lacking.

There'd be something missing.

Other than good cannolis,
what would you be missing?

- Oh, God.
- This a good start.

He's open to the idea because
you realize that we could drop

him off in the corner and Greg
would drive you to the airport

right now.

And he would go
with you to Teague.

Oh, yeah?

He would go with
you to Teague tomorrow.

And what about you?

What if he didn't want to go?

Would you stay in New Jersey?

I would.

You both seem
level-headed and you seem

like you care about each other.

So either way, if you're
open to either one,

the correct answer
will reveal itself.

We've arrived at the
end of our destination.

What have you gotten
out of this at all?

Some great advice.

Hey, do you want to
hear a joke I wrote?

OK.

OK, did you hear about the
new director's cut burrito?

What?

The director's cut burrito?

What are you talking about?

I'm telling you the joke.

A burrito?

It's a joke about a burrito.

Is that a thing, a directors--

No, no, no, I made it up.

It's part of the joke.
It's just--

I thought you were
changing subjects.

No, that's how it starts.

Then why didn't you finish it?

Because you're supposed
to ask me about the burrito.

I did.

I asked what the heck
you were talking about.

Yeah, that's not how
you're supposed to say that.

Oh, what do I have,
lines in your joke?

What is this, a show?

All right, let's try again.

I'm going to ask if you've
heard of the burrito.

And you say no.

And you ask what it's about.

OK, dude.

Go ahead.

Hey, did you hear about the
new director's cut burrito?

No, I didn't.

What is that?

It comes with all
of the deleted beans.

Do you get it?

Do you get it?

Shit like this is why
you're getting fired.

What?

Microsoft, Microsoft,
Microsoft, Microsoft,

Microsoft, Microsoft,
PowerPoint.

Hello, YouTube.

We are the kings of PowerPoint.

We are so good
at presentations

that we can prove literally
anything with a PowerPoint.

Tonight's topic--

You should eat
popcorn with your butt.

Sounds delicious.

Let's get to work.

All right, point one, it's
already coming out of your butt

anyway.

Yeah, the usual path of
popcorn is mouth, belly, butt.

Here's an idea.

What if it was just butt, butt.

What?

Butt, a butt.

It goes into your butt.

It comes out of your butt.

All right, next slide.

Tone those glutes.

With all that butt masticating
you're going to be doing,

that crunching and that chewing,
you're going to be getting

a firmer and tighter butt.

Yeah, and sexy, right?

And also disgusting
because it's still

a butt, which brings
us to our next point.

Your butt is already gross.

This is a big one, guys.

Why have gross, buttery
fingers and a gross butt

when you can just have one?

Yeah, my butt is gross.

My butt's grosser.

Oh.

It's like a tangled
nest of hair and lint.

It's like a rashy hole
that burns and spits.

One time I wiped my ass
and a goblin came out.

You do not want
to go in there.

So butter that butt.

Butter it up.

This also makes sharing
bucket of popcorn way

more interesting.

Ooh, this sounds fun.

OK, let's say you're at
a movie theater, right?

You got a single
bucket of popcorn.

You got two butts just
going after it, right?

Those butts will
just be bumping.

Buttery, slippery, butts.

Ooh, bumping and munching.

You guys get it, you
little filthy animals.

You little stinkers.

Can you imagine
that, just like two

butts just bumping into
each other, just slippery

and bumping.

Oh, you sick bastards.

You love it, you animals.
You're sitting at home.

You're watching it.
You're just like, oh, yeah.

Give me those buttery butts.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're disgusting.

You're gross because
you like the gross stuff.

You nutjob.

Arg.

Grrr.

Arr.

Hell, yeah.

Case close.

Yeah, this is undeniable
proof that you should

eat popcorn with your butt.

Yeah, once you go
munch, I got a hunch

you're going to like it a bunch.

The boy version of
Dr. Seuss right here.

One fish, two fish, red fish,
eat popcorn with your butt.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to another episode
of "Never Seen It,"

where we talk about a popular
movie that we haven't seen

and try to guess
what it's about.

Today on the show, we have
Peter, Glenn, and Celeste.

And we're talking
about the movie

"The Shawshank Redemption."

What is this movie about?

I think of an
escape from a prison.

Definitely an escape.

I think Tim Robbins gets free.

Andy Dufresne escaped
from Shawshank prison.

So this movie takes
place in a prison, stars

Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins.

According to you guys, when
does this movie take place?

The 90s?

OK.

Let me go with the 70s.

Really?

I don't why.

Oh I think like way earlier.

Like it's a period movie?

Yeah, I think
it's like the '20s.

No, it's not.

They've got like
regular jumpsuits on.

Dumbass.

What are these
characters in prison for?

Tim Robbins is probably
not supposed to be in prison.

I'm going to go with,
he's wrongfully convicted.

He probably,
someone kills his wife

and he probably gets in trouble.

He gets caught up in a murder.

W, P, W, T.

- What?
- What?

Wrong place, wrong time?

Oh, W, P, W, T.

Yeah.

That's a thing.

Well, I just made it up.

I'm innocent, Red, just
like everybody else here.

So Tim Robbins has a
specific job before prison.

And that job kind of becomes a
big part of the plot in prison.

Does he, does he dig things?

Yes, is he a
construction worker?

Is he a grave digger?

He's a grave digger?

So he knows--

Well, he's a construction
worker by day and a grave digger

by night.

You ignorant .

Who is the antagonist
in this movie?

Prison system.

Probably the warden.

Yeah, oh sure.

There's definitely
a mean warden, yeah.

Yeah, a mean warden.

And there's probably a prison
bully, someone who's like--

Yeah.

You're my bitch.

And they're like, oh my God.

Your ass belongs to me.

Raquel Welch plays
a two-dimensional

part in this movie.

What does she do?

She's like a
cartoon character?

Is it like a "Space
Jam" situation?

Let's play some basketball.

You guys mentioned that
you think he escapes prison.

How do we get there?
What happens?

How does this movie play out?

One thing I know
about prison escapes

is they always involve
digging through your cell wall

and going out through a hole.

I think I know this
part because I've heard

people say how gross it is.

That he's in--

Does he
go through poopy?

Oh, he goes through poop.
You're right.

- He's goes through poopy.
- Yeah.

Goes through poopy?

A classic
dookie-filled escape.

Andy crawled
to freedom through

500 yards of -smelling-smelling
foulness I can't even imagine.

How long does it
take him to escape?

A long time.

Long time.

Because he's like
using a spoon to dig.

Oh, sure.

So he digs his way
out, you're saying.

And then he squeezes
through a hole.

And it takes him how long?

Just if you could guess.

A whole year.

1947, what is that, 19 years?

Tim gets out.

Morgan eventually gets out.

Tim leaves a box hidden for
Morgan to find somewhere.

So he's like, when you
get out, go find this box.

And there will be
something for you inside.

What's inside for him?

Money?

That's the best part.

Congratulations.

You got this movie
more right than wrong.

Yay.

We did it.

You did a pretty
good job guessing

what this movie
is about based off

nothing more than the poster.

That's goddamn right.

Do you guys think after
talking about this movie

that you'll see it?

I'll see it.

OK.

I probably won't see
it, because if I've

made it this long
and not seeing it,

I just like probably,
I don't know.

It's a point of pride?

Yeah, I guess.

Like, just like, I've never
seen "Shawshank Redemption."

You know, it's like
a conversation starter.

Oh my God, you've never
seen Shawshank Redemption?

Dude, that's insane.

That's so interesting.

Let's have a conversation.

Yo, this was the
guy I was talking about.

Come tell my
friends about that movie

you haven't seen.

Yo, dude let's hang out.