Original subtitles

Fitz, I said I'm done.

Do not call me again.

You don't love me.

You love the way you feel when I look at you.

Ma'am, as a loyal member of our rewards club,

we appreciate that you continue shopping at Vie en Rose.

Unfortunately, our return policy requires a receipt

in order to get a cash refund.

I know.

I lost the receipt, but the tag is still on.

Ma'am, I understand.

But unfortunately, that does not negate our return

policy, which requires a receipt in order to get a cash refund.

It's fine, whatever.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Olivia Pope, and my friend--

Rebecca.

Who are you?

Rebecca completely understands your return policy.

But she would greatly benefit from a cash

refund over store credit.

Unfortunately--

Yes, yes, it is unfortunate.

It's unfortunate that you would purposely deny a loyal member

of your rewards club.

Those were your words, correct?

Yes, but--

It's OK.

I'll just take the credit.

No, she won't.

Rebecca, listen, I will put on the white hat.

I will go to bat for you with this.

I don't know what you're saying.

Tell me that you're in it.

Do you want to walk out of here with cash in your hand or not?

I do.

I do.

Rebecca, how many Twitter followers do you have?

I don't know, like 32.

Well, I have 2.4 million, and that includes

the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

That's 2.4 million people who I can galvanize to boycott

this place with one hashtag.

Start tweeting.

You have 432 missed calls from someone named Fitz.

Ignore it.

Start typing.

"Standing in line at Vie en Rose and ripping up my loyalty card.

#HOTMESS in all caps.

No.

Stop.

OK, I'll give you the cash.

Just don't trash tweet.

I'll get fired.

How?

It's what I do.

I'm a gladiator.

And I actually wanted to purchase

this top it was on the sale rack, but there's no sticker.

So I assume it's still--

Just take it.

Thank you.

I'm going to take her to dinner, I think.

I said I don't love you anymore.

She was just, like, so ...

I think she should do the next couple.

Start in here? - Start in here?

Yeah.

No, they want to in the car to see you.

No. No!

Yes. I'm old.

No, literally--

He's mentioning movies from the '80s I was in.

You weren't even born.

Oh, yes, I can hear you.

Remember, warm them up with some, where you from?

OK, great.

Oh they're so cute.

Hello. Hi.

Hey!

Oh, my god.

Yay! I'm Ellie.

Oh-- - Stacey.

I'm like--

- Stacey, yes, good to meet you. - Hi.

Ellie. You're so pretty.

Hi.

Hello. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to.

He goes by the name Bello.

That's his only name, you know, like Cher--

Bello.

So Bello will be driving, and he's really good at it.

I'm getting better, yeah.

- Leah and Stacey. - Yes.

Now how did you guys meet?

Through mutual friends, so we were both in relationships

when we met.

- Oh, you were in relationships? - Yes.

So how did that go?

Did you take an instant liking to each other?

I mean, clearly, I thought she was beautiful.

But I thought-- you know what I said?

I thought she was a hand-- she seemed

to me like she was a "handful."

Ask her, are you a handful?

- Are you a handful? - I mean--

I'm sure I am.

I don't think I'm high maintenance.

- No, you're not. - I do think I'm a handful.

Did you instantly feel like, oh, we

need to start thinking about getting out

of our current relationships? - No.

No.

We were friends for a while.

Years.

But it's funny, when we would hang out as friends in groups,

like, people would be like, you two are such a cute couple.

And I'm like, no, I have a girlfriend.

It's not her.

You know, and now here we are.

You're newlyweds, right?

Yeah, November. Congratulations.

Thank you.

So how was that process?

That's a daunting process, the wedding.

It was fun. It was good.

She had, like, spreadsheets and was on top of it.

So the handful delivered.

The handful--

I'm very organized.

the handful came in "handy."

Exactly, right?

We're actually going to pull over because my colleague

from the Institute--

Your intern.

My intern.

He's not yet my colleague, but he hopes to be one day.

He's still learning, but he's going to join us.

He aspires to be your colleague.

OK.

Wow, hi. - I'm Alec.

How are you?

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

I'm her intern--

We all have to start somewhere.

from the Institute.

Yeah, but he shows great promise.

We're going to play a little game here.

As a couple? Fill in the blank.

Don't let each other see. - OK.

You're going to write down what you think she is going

to answer, not your answer.

You write down your answer.

OK.

What do I think that she thinks?

OK.

So the question is, her favorite way to annoy me is--

Mm.

Stacey would probably appreciate it if I

would do what a little more?

Show it around.

Turn around.

OK.

No offense, Stacey, but your handwriting is atrocious.

What does it say?

I think I did it wrong, but I said she talks in baby voices.

Like when you tell me things and I go, ...

Right. That's nice.

Right.

And that annoys you?

That, yeah.

You're like, yeah, it doesn't charm me.

No, no, no.

And what is touching my toes?

I wrote her way of annoying me.

You were supposed to write what you thought that I--

You You guessed her way of annoying, what

she was going to say about you. About you.

Oh.

Back to the rules.

game.

Back to the rules.

But that's about me.

Is this a problem in the relationship is listening?

Is listening an issue?

Because you totally effed up our board game here.

Well, we both got confused.

What advice do you have for other women

who are getting married or who are

contemplating getting married?

Do you any advice for them?

We experienced people who--

I think, people who wanted it to be different

because it's a gay wedding or that

was a choice because we're gay.

Truthfully, I don't think

it would be different advice that I'd

give a straight couple.

Well, it's a wedding like everybody else.

This is our choice. Right, healthy.

You have a very good relationship.

Yeah. I hope so.

Thank you. - Yeah, I think we do.

Thank you.

I guess we do feel like we have a good relationship.

And I feel like Alec Baldwin would be like, OK,

you guys are doomed, if we were.

So he didn't say that.

So that's probably good.

Yeah.

Hello, idiots!

Welcome to The Idiot's Guide to Smart People.

Today's topic is Malcolm Gladwell.

While you've never heard of him, Malcolm Gladwell

is in the smart person hall of fame,

with best selling books, TED Talks, and a job

at "The New Yorker," which is like the smart person's Bible,

except there's a new one written every week.

Normally, it's easy for you to just ignore intellectuals.

But Gladwell's ideas have trickled

down to the idiot level.

So you're going to need an overview

of smart people's deluded reverence for Malcolm Gladwell.

Malcolm Gladwell is a smart person's idea of a superhero,

able to explain everything with a single idea.

It's a concept that's usually reserved for idiots.

But Gladwell's superpower is the ability

to dress up dumb ideas with fancy pants phrases

that turns smarties into idiots.

Of course, what Gladwell really does is a classic idiot move--

steal the ideas of smarter people,

exaggerate them until they're wrong,

and pass them off as your own.

It's just like when you copied off your smart friend's essay

in high school, except you got a B-plus,

and Malcolm Gladwell gets showered with money.

This should infuriate smart people.

But they just so want to believe his cherry-picked research that

says the world is simple and understandable, even though it

is random and cruel, a huge surprise from a guy whose

name is literally the words "glad" and "well,"

a coincidence so perfect it's probably his next theory.

But the main reason smart people love Malcolm Gladwell

is because they share with idiots the only

universal human trait--

laziness.

Gladwell's books give smart people

the sensation of learning without actual learning, which

is perfect because real learning is

boring, hard, and doesn't have any anecdotes

about the Beatles.

Sorry.

What it all boils down to is actually

a very Gladwellian idea--

trust the idiot power of thinking without thinking.

And just keep ignoring Malcolm Gladwell because the only thing

he's ever proved is that the world is unfair

and hucksters can get rich.

Hooray America!

Soft.

Don't touch my chocolate.

Get away from me.

Get away from my chocolate.

Hi.

Happy Valentine's time.

We've been here for months now without any notes

from the network.

Which we take as a very good sign.

Today, on "Having a Lovely Time While Wearing Sweaters,"

we're going to be stimulating your little noses with

some homemade aromatic candles.

These are just some of the fresh scents

and chemicals we'll be using to make our candy.

"Francy" bags, must be from France.

Ooh la la!

It's funny you mention the bags.

I bought them from a store.

And when I was leaving the store, I--

Where'd you get them from?

I got them from a store.

And when I left the store, I thought to note the address.

And I turned around, and wouldn't you know it?

The store had vanished.

- Oh, sure. - OK, sure.

Neato. Wasn't that a neat story?

When working with chemicals, make sure your workspace

is properly ventilated.

But it is very chilly outside right

now, so we've boarded all of our windows shut.

Well, let's have at it.

Oh, yes.

I believe this sack has the lemon bosoms.

Ah.

And I believe the man at the store

said this little guy was called the Devil's Powder.

No.

Oh, sorry, God.

Huh!

Yeah, do it.

Do it.

Yes.

Hey, man, add some more.

Yeah, mix it up.

Yeah, that's a candle.

Making candles makes me hungry.

I'm going to chop some delicious heirloom tomatoes for a salad.

Mmm, that looks good.

And now the roast is ready.

I'm a yankee jingle bird.

I'm a doggy cheeky bird.

Oh!

I'm burning!

Guys, look!

Why did you kill me?

I'm a scary ghost doll.

I'm going to die!

I hate you boys!

#ImDeadNow.

Oh, golden ribbons, it's hot in here.

I'm going to take off my sweater.

Yeah, show us your torso, brother.

Yeah.

My god.

Look!

Is he OK?

Lavender?

What?

No!

What?

Horrible!

No.

Hi, boys.

Huh?

Mama?

Oh, look at you boys.

Hm.

Your lovely time got away from you, didn't it?

Yes, Mama.

Mama?

What?

Are you dead?

No, dear, I'm still in Massapequa

Park with your father.

Hey, I'm watching sports here!

You come over here.

You tell your boys you love them.

Hi, Dad.

Don't be afraid.

You're all my sons, except for you.

You're adopted.

What?

I'll always be proud of you.

I love you, Mom.

Also, you going to die here tonight.

No!

No, no, no!

This is it.

No!

This is it.

Hey, man, are you single?

- No. - No?

No, I actually have two girlfriends.

All right, when was the last time you made love?

Two weeks ago.

That's, like, 20 weeks less than me.

Would you like to be a part of our dating game?

Sure.

Yeah, you're sure? All right, let's do it.

- Are you single? - No, no, no.

We want to set you up.

Excuse me, handsome man, are you single?

- I'm all set, man. - You're all set.

Would you like to be a part of a dating game

in which you meet, potentially, the man of your dreams?

And maybe you can have a one-night stand.

Maybe you'll find a husband? Maybe--

- Yeah, you only live once. - OK.

Exactly.

All right, so we've just brought up

all of our contestants from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the men a series of questions.

And based on their answers, we'll pick her favorite.

Mate.

This is how normal people fall in love on a show.

All right, let's get started, guys.

Let's do this.

We have our lovely contestant here.

What is your name, bachelorette?

My name is Teresa .

Teresa-- ooh, you might not want to give

your last name because someone might

come and find you and kill you.

Dave, can you introduce to us our bachelors?

Bachelor number one, where are you from?

Holy shit.

He has the sexiest accent I've ever heard in my life.

Bachelor number two, where are you from?

Santiago de Chile.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

What's up now, Dominica?

Teresa, here's how it's going to work.

I'm going to give you some questions

to ask these bachelors.

And at the end, when they've answered all of them,

you're going to decide who you like the best.

Is that cool? - Sounds good.

My favorite thing in the world is running.

How would you ask me out?

Bachelor number two, how would you ask her out?

I would run behind her and maybe run over her

and say, do you need any help?

You would run her over like a truck?

That's what I was trying to say.

yeah, sorry for my English, dude.

Yes.

I don't think this is an English problem.

Yeah, that's perfect English.

Bachelor number three.

I would ask her to meet me at Central Park by the reservoir

and have a nice lovely jog maybe around twilight time.

That's the first non-disturbing

answer we've gotten. I know.

In an offensive accent, tell me one

thing that's great about you.

Yeah that'll do.

If I were your coffee, how would you take me?

Oh, yeah.

I would take her with some nice brown sugar, maybe

two creams.

Yeah, that, sounds good.

Yeah, it does.

Did bachelor number three just have an orgasm on the stage?

If she were your coffee, how would you take her?

What does it feel like taking LSD on a Wednesday?

If there was a movie made about your penis,

what genre would it be?

Science fiction.

It's out of this world.

Good save.

Bachelor number one.

Can you just indulge me for a moment

and tell me one of the funny, unexpected things

that happens with your penis.

Right.

The time has come for you to decide which of these guys

would you like to date.

Will it be bachelor number one, bachelor number two,

or bachelor number three?

I'm still sold on number three at Central Park.

Wow.

Number three, wow.

It's the moment we've all been waiting for.

It's time to meet our winner.

Winner, what is your name?

Chris.

Please meet in the center.

Say hello to one another.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We actually have a prize for you.

Right here, I have a $50 gift certificate

to Friedman's Lunch.

Yeah.

Can you get a shot of that?

Now everybody smile like it's a picture.

OK, I think we got it.

We would like to dance with the couple that we've now joined.

Here we go, and we're dancing.

All right.

Well, it's been a wonderful episode,

this spicy Latin edition.

Dave, you want to say any parting words?

Mom, I love you.

I'm sorry about what you walked in on.

Not the time or place, but goodbye, everybody.

We'll see you for the next episode.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to "Never Seen It."

This week's episode, we are going

to be talking to Matt, Glenn, and Celeste

about the movie "Top Gun."

Danger zone.

I've never seen it.

I've never seen it.

I've also never seen it.

Show's called "Never Seen It."

So none of us have seen it?

I imagine the movie is about Tom

Cruise and his blonde friend.

They fly in a jet together at a school.

I think it's a school.

I thought it was about a beach volleyball team

till very recently.

But now I know that it's more about the plane part of things.

So it's a plane academy--

It's definitely about the planes, I think,

because Top Gun, I think, is the best plane--

- The best plane? - Plane.

Best pilot.

The best pilot.

That's what it's called.

Not "Plane Guy."

You two characters are going to "Top Gun."

And they're playing volleyball,

so it's not, like, that serious.

Right.

Like, what's the war in "Top Gun"?

There's no war, so it's--

Vietnam?

You stink.

I know the names of every--

a lot of the names in the movies.

Yeah, there's a Goose.

Goose, Iceman.

Goose. Goose.

Goose.

Goose He's, like, a badass, I think.

Oh, really? Is he the badass?

No, I don't know.

I mean, like--

I think Tom Cruise is the bad boy of the Academy.

But the hero.

Iceman is the bad boy of the academy.

Yeah, exactly. Rocket.

Probably. Ooh, probably.

Rocket's good, yeah.

Rocket.

One's probably, like, Dallas or Houston or some Texas town.

Yeah.

Then there all, like, Houston, we have a problem.

- Yeah. - He's so annoying.

Houston is the annoying one.

So, beginning of the movie about a plane school,

possibly military.

Goose is being silly because he's the funny guy.

He's being silly.

He's being a silly goose.

He's being a silly goose!

- And-- - That's right.

I also know--

I think-- that Goose--

can I say this?

Yes.

Yeah.

I think Goose dies in the movie.

Yeah.

So in my head, there's definitely, like, a locker room

scene where two of the pilots are, like,

just in each other's faces.

That's-- it's either in a locker room or a bar.

Yeah.

And he says, I'm Iceman.

Ice--man.

I bet they do a towel snap too,

because I feel like any '80s movie

with a locker scene has it.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

It's, like, written into cinema

law that you have to have it.

Stupid.

There is a female lead in this movie.

Who is she?

And what does she do?

Well, it's the '80s, so she probably

cleans the plans or something.

The plane cleaner?

The plane cleaner.

This is Cynthia.

She's allowed to come over here and touch the planes sometimes.

Just let her do her thing.

She'll be really quick about it.

Well, she's got to be serving the guys' story.

Well, she's got-- yeah, she has

to be probably pitting Iceman and Maverick

against each other.

- Or not pitting them-- - Yeah.

like, her-- with intent.

That's more interesting.

But she must be coming between them.

And that's why Iceman is like, hey, Maverick, no.

She only wants to date the top gun.

You didn't learn a damn thing, did you?

I would love to hear just how you think this movie ends?

Probably--

A plane race.

That's probably the final scene is the race.

We're going to have to watch this movie.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a great movie. - You--

I thought you've never seen it?

I've seen this movie. OK.

You're--

We're the ones who haven't seen it.

OK. I keep forgetting who's seen it.

Well, I'm sorry to say, guys, but you lost.

Over, it's just over.

You got a lot of that movie wrong.

I'd say outside the call names, you were not doing great.

We've never seen it.

Show's called "Never Seen It."

Portrait Stu-stu-studio.

What the hell are you doing?

Just fixing your shirt.

Are you trying to put a flower on me?

What?

Man, last photo dude I was with,

the guy tried to put a flower on me.

Yeah, no flowers, Ray.

We promise.

All right?

So you wrote a book.

Who told you that?

You're here to shoot the cover of the book, so we--

Oh, that's right.

I'm trying to keep that on the DL.

Dude.

So what's the book about?

Locker room shenanigans.

What's it called?

"Locker Room Shenanigans."

Fun.

OK.

You don't want to know.

We don't want to know what?

The name of the book is "Locker Room Shenanigans--

You Don't Want to Know."

If we don't want to know, then why would people read it?

People want to read it.

They just won't want to know.

OK, sounds good.

Um, can we try a couple without your helmet?

Why don't we try a couple without your camera?

OK.

Keep the helmet.

And this book better be good.

Well, it's sort of up to you, right, Ray?

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to Clarence, my ghostwriter.

He does the "writing" part of the writing,

like a writer helper monkey.

I have a master's degree.

Shut up, writer monkey.

OK, so let's chin up, and let's see those pearly whites.

Nah, I don't want to be smiling.

This book is serious.

"Locker Room Shenanigans"?

It's about serious shenanigans.

Then they're not shenanigans.

Look, photo boys, locker

rooms aren't all about inspirational

speeches and ass play.

I don't think anybody said they were.

OK, that's fine, though.

Um, if this is more serious--

I just-- I guess I assumed it was more

about, like, horsing around.

Hey, Clarence, start a new chapter, Horsing Around.

I like that.

What have you written so far?

Shaving cream stuff, drinking, rampant sexual assault.

Told you, you don't want to know.

It should be called "Locker Room Crimes."

Oddly enough, that was taken.

Hey, shut the up, Clarence.

Portrait Stu-stu-studio.