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1
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,441
This just creates a really,
like, smooth silhouette.
2
00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:07,659
I mean, Spanx are great.
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,749
You just inhale and
then suck everything in.
4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:11,881
Yeah, and it's full body--
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:16,059
Stop, everyone, oh
god, stop buying Spanx!
6
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,408
We were just in my
apartment, and we thought
7
00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:18,931
it'd be really
funny to make Riley
8
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:21,978
here try out my girlfriend's
Spanx, and we had no idea!
9
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:24,067
They're like boa constrictors.
10
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:27,157
My nuts are in my body now.
11
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:28,637
Wait, you just realized that?
12
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,682
What do you think they were for?
13
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:36,340
We thought it was,
like, goofy underwear.
14
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:39,213
You guys wear tons of
stuff we don't understand!
15
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:41,258
Yeah, how much is this
garbage anyway, huh?
16
00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,346
OK, no, no, no, no, no.
17
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:47,264
OK, this particular
pair, sir, is $118.
18
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:48,700
Oh my.
19
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:49,875
I'm gonna throw up so.
20
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:52,095
You're telling me that
the world only gives you
21
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:55,359
75% of what a man
makes, and then
22
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:59,711
they force you to spend that
money on nonsense like this?
23
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:02,018
Oh, I'm gonna scream.
24
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:03,846
You know, sometimes,
I just wanna
25
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:07,328
take the patriarchy by the
throat and just strangle it,
26
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,198
you know?
27
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,417
And I'm gonna just--
28
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,723
we're gonna show them,
and they're gonna--
29
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:12,637
Those are indestructible.
30
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:15,031
Oh come on!
31
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,555
What do they make these
things out of titanium?
32
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:18,861
Jesus!
33
00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,298
Look, we just wear them
so that our stuff, you know,
34
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:22,473
doesn't jiggle.
35
00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:23,344
Oh .
36
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:24,780
No
37
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,304
The jiggly parts are
our favorite parts.
38
00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:30,438
OK, well, we do not wear
Spanx for men, all right?
39
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:32,657
We wear these for ourselves.
40
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:36,531
I heard--
- That's not true.
41
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,010
That's not true.
42
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,883
No, it was like I could
feel the lie coming out.
43
00:01:41,013 --> 00:01:43,364
God, if I had my way, I'd just
run around in a muumuu all day.
44
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,278
Ooh.
45
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:45,496
Free.
Gotta have that.
46
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:46,671
Flowing.
47
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:50,022
We vow to fight
anyone who tries
48
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:54,592
to cover up your boobies
and butts with garbage
49
00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:56,899
underwear like this.
50
00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:58,379
Freedom for boobies.
51
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:03,688
Freedom for-- for butts.
52
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,603
Yeah, freedom for boobies.
53
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:06,778
No.
54
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:07,605
Freedom for butts.
55
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:08,780
There we go.
56
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,478
Freedom for boobies.
57
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:11,522
Freedom for butts.
58
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:12,393
No--
59
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:14,177
Freedom for boobies.
60
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,918
Freedom for butts.
61
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:17,572
Freedom!
62
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:21,271
Hey, guys, guys, guys,
guys, they make Spanx for men.
63
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:23,360
Ooh.
64
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:24,318
Oh that's
one size fits most?
65
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,102
That's one size fits most.
66
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:27,886
We are most.
67
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:30,062
Can we go to the doctor now?
68
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,326
Hello, idiots,
welcome to "the Idiot's
69
00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:33,588
Guide to Smart People."
70
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:37,592
Today's episode
is art and farts.
71
00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:40,769
As an idiot, you would never
click on a video about art,
72
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,118
so we've spiced it
up with something
73
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,685
you'll always click on--
74
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,426
farts.
75
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,558
And it's a good pairing, because
while art is the pinnacle
76
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:49,691
of a smart person's experience,
the pinnacle of yours
77
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,432
is farting.
78
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,651
So if you ever wander
into an art museum
79
00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:55,218
or fart in front
of a smart person,
80
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,133
here are some helpful tips.
81
00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:58,787
In order to blend
in at a museum,
82
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:00,615
walk up to any piece
of art, and keep
83
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:03,661
nodding until you've counted
to 11 seconds in your head.
84
00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:05,837
Smart people are very
conscious about how
85
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,056
long they look at art.
86
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,537
It needs to be long
enough to touch their soul
87
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,974
but not so long that it
looks like they don't get it.
88
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,628
It's kind of like
when you fart at work.
89
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,500
You want it to be long enough
to really enjoy that fart
90
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,763
but not so long that
other people notice.
91
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,070
But just looking
at art as a far cry
92
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,334
from the horrors
of the art world.
93
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,684
The buying and selling
of art is really
94
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,731
just one giant scam that
profits off of smart people's
95
00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:31,080
self-consciousness.
96
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,778
It's smart versus smart
in a constant battle
97
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,737
of who's rich enough to
be the most cultured.
98
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,565
Why?
99
00:03:37,695 --> 00:03:41,395
Well, think of how impressed you
are by an incredibly long fart.
100
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:44,876
That's how smart people feel
about incredibly expensive art.
101
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:48,532
There are certain artists that
smart people just can't resist,
102
00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,491
just like you can't
resist farting
103
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,928
on a sleeping person's face.
104
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,583
Andy Warhol was a prolific
artist whose biggest
105
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,498
contribution to the art
world was letting artists
106
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,587
know how they should dress.
107
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,720
Salvador Dali is a beloved
surrealist painter whose work
108
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:05,593
is now reserved for the walls
of college kids, the most
109
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:07,812
pathetic art gallery of all.
110
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:10,641
But a smart person's favorite
artist is any artist they
111
00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:12,339
think you haven't heard of.
112
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:15,907
For example, few people realize
van Gogh stole his style
113
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,040
from Thibedus Gleeson.
114
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,650
Who is Thibedus Gleeson?
115
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,479
He's an artist who just gave
smart people heart attacks
116
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:24,568
because I made him up,
and for a few seconds,
117
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,267
they thought they didn't
know something about art.
118
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:29,617
Fun fact, during a
heart attack, you
119
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,750
lose control over your butthole,
giving you a fart attack.
120
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:35,884
Now as a special treat
for being so attentive,
121
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:38,843
idiot, here is actual art
that you and smart people
122
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,280
can both enjoy--
123
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,368
fart art.
124
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,544
Hundreds of years
ago, Japanese artists
125
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,894
crafted these beautiful fart
battles, which is the best
126
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:47,983
phrase I have ever said.
127
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:49,985
In conclusion,
smart people's art
128
00:04:50,115 --> 00:04:53,945
is just as important as your
idiot farts, so keep tooting
129
00:04:54,076 --> 00:04:55,556
and never fall asleep.
130
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:56,557
Toot-toot.
131
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,305
Whenever anyone tells
me to go fly a kite,
132
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,699
I take it as a well wish because
flying kites is fun and nice.
133
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,310
I don't think
anyone says that.
134
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,486
Ever go take a hike, but
from, like, my great uncle,
135
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,879
and he's, like, 235 years old.
136
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,011
Hikes are also nice.
137
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,665
Uh, who are you?
138
00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:18,970
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Brian.
139
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:20,015
I-- I did it.
140
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,364
And this is--
141
00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:22,234
I didn't get your
name, actually.
142
00:05:22,365 --> 00:05:24,062
Nifkt.
143
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,629
I didn't do it, but I just fill
in for the police lineup stuff
144
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:26,717
when the regulars call out.
145
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:27,588
Welcome aboard.
146
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,546
Right, uh, where's Steve?
147
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,156
Hey, guys, it's me.
148
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,419
It's me, Steve.
149
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,159
- Oh, hey, Steve.
- Steve!
150
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,335
- Steve, hi.
- Steve!
151
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:36,510
What are you doing in there?
152
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,424
I got mugged.
153
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:38,294
What was that?
154
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:40,035
Mugged, I got mugged.
155
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,602
A mugger mugged me!
156
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:43,212
A mugger mugged you?
157
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,169
Sorry about doing that.
158
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,171
I just-- I want money from you.
159
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:47,216
This guy mugged you?
160
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,348
Yeah, it hurt.
161
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:49,261
It hurt.
162
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,307
The skinny wittle
guy mugged you?
163
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:52,961
He's a lot stronger
than he looks.
164
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,528
I am not that strong.
165
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:55,398
Give me a break.
166
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,704
It was scary.
167
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,010
All right,
suspect 1, you ready to get
168
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:00,403
mugged by a skinny guy?
169
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:01,317
Oh man, Steve.
170
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:03,058
He's very, very threatening!
171
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,494
Number 2?
172
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,148
Are you ready to get
mugged by a skinny guy?
173
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:07,454
Why didn't you run away, Steve?
174
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:08,324
I dare you.
175
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,673
He's really fast!
176
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:10,544
I'm not fast.
177
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:11,458
I get cramps.
178
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:13,068
Number 3?
179
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,549
Uh, you ready to get
mugged by a skinny guy?
180
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,028
When did you get money, Steve?
181
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:18,247
Oh, he, uh-- he didn't.
182
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,117
He didn't have any money.
183
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,597
It was a total waste of a mug.
184
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:21,946
Oh my god, you can't
even get mugged right.
185
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,121
Shut up, Kevin.
186
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:24,558
Number 4?
187
00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:28,083
You ready to get
mugged by a skinny guy?
188
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:29,476
Number 5?
189
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,216
Watch and learn, Foot Frozos.
190
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:32,827
Foot Bozos.
191
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:37,440
Uh, is-- are you ready
to get readying-- ready--
192
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:41,009
ready to get mugged by a, um--
193
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,750
Wow he is horrid.
194
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:43,620
By a tinny guy?
Right?
195
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,143
That's--
196
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,189
Steve, I want you to know this
is by far the worst lineup I've
197
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,713
ever been a part of, and it's
definitely all your fault.
198
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:50,584
I hope you're embarrassed.
199
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:51,498
Hey!
200
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,804
Oh, look at me,
I'm gonna mug you!
201
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:55,284
I'm gonna mug you!
202
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,286
My voice does
sound that squeaky.
203
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,896
Oh, my name is
Steve, and I'm gonna
204
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,985
get mugged by a skinny guy!
205
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,423
Mug, mug mug!
206
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:05,381
I didn't-- I didn't
fart during the mugging.
207
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,861
That's him, officer, number 3.
208
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:08,689
Oh, I'm Steve, but I
don't have any money--
209
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,604
OK, OK, Steve, you
know, I'm just joking.
210
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,040
Come on, tell them it wasn't me.
- That's the one.
211
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,868
He's the one that mugged me,
and now he's making time.
212
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,739
They're roughing me up
a little more than usual.
213
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,393
You're going away
for a long time, buddy!
214
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:18,829
I won't survive in prison, OK?
215
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:19,700
You brought him down.
216
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,571
I'm too pretty!
217
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:23,355
I'm too pretty!
218
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,793
Case closed.
219
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:26,924
Hey, Steve, what's
it like in there?
220
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,099
It's great.
221
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,361
They have popcorn and ice cream!
222
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,885
- Are you serious?
- They've got ice cream?
223
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:32,147
Dude, you have
ice cream for real?
224
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:34,236
You've got ice cream?
225
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:35,237
Waffle cones?
226
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:45,465
You're right, I need to
call him to get closure.
227
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,944
Yeah, do it.
228
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:50,165
I mean, he dumped you, but like,
you dumped him emotionally.
229
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,645
Yeah, you're right.
230
00:07:55,387 --> 00:08:00,175
OK, OK, he's ringing.
231
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:05,267
Hey, asshole, I'm at
the club with Brigitte,
232
00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:08,705
and we are having so much fun.
233
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:12,274
Yeah, she just touched a
guy's dick through his pants.
234
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:17,845
Yeah, I totally did that,
so consider me over you.
235
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:18,715
Bye.
236
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:19,716
Bye.
237
00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:25,113
Thank you.
238
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,376
You did it.
239
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,205
Wait, I don't feel,
like, better, Bridge.
240
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,859
Well, that's because
you need another drink.
241
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:35,123
No, I think that
was a really bad idea.
242
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,820
Because it was.
243
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,343
Hi, I'm Olivia Pope.
244
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:39,736
I don't mean to cause
a rift or anything,
245
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,390
but you did not help yourself.
246
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,827
Let me guess, you broke up
less than three months ago.
247
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:44,959
How did you know?
248
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,438
You called him an asshole.
249
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:47,657
if the wound wasn't
so fresh, you wouldn't
250
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,746
have been so openly hostile.
251
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,879
But what do I do?
252
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:53,750
First of all, you've got
to get rid of your phone.
253
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,143
Disconnect yourself
from it completely.
254
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:56,144
What?
255
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,976
OK, now we have to spin this.
256
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:04,195
We've got to make him
question his reality.
257
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:07,895
Oh, you mean like make him
think it was all a dream?
258
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:09,984
Hi, my name is--
259
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:12,116
No, thank you.
260
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:15,076
My friend, however,
thinks you're really cute.
261
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,164
I'm David.
262
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:19,080
I'm Lindsay.
263
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,211
What are you doing?
264
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:21,822
Nothing, you are.
265
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:22,823
I just sent that
picture to your phone.
266
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:23,998
What?
267
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,303
How did you get my phone number?
268
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,566
Don't worry about it.
269
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,917
Now, you need to post that
on Instagram ASAP, OK?
270
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:33,181
Caption it, "night out
with my BFF and her BF.
271
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,270
Hashtag it #lovez with a z.
272
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,489
Now, you couldn't possibly
have called your ex crying when
273
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,753
you were out with another guy.
274
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:44,409
OMG, yes, and everyone
we know will see the pic.
275
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,934
I'll update my Facebook
status to say I lost
276
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:50,111
my phone, like, four hours ago.
277
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:53,244
You are brillz.
278
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,421
Um, do you just go to bars
looking for people to help?
279
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,815
No, you two helped me.
280
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:06,649
Tell the senator it's handled.
281
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:13,264
Ciao, amici.
282
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,266
I'm Dan Chamberlain,
and today we're
283
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,704
going to be making a
creamy clam linguine for
284
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:21,142
a romantic Italian dinner, bam.
285
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:24,232
All you're gonna need is
pasta, garlic, butter,
286
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,756
Italian herbs, olive
oil, white wine,
287
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,629
and of course, minced clams.
288
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,196
Oh, it stinks.
289
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:35,417
Now, we're actually going to be
making enough pasta for four,
290
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:37,419
because tonight I have
two different dates
291
00:10:37,549 --> 00:10:39,464
with two different sexy women.
292
00:10:39,595 --> 00:10:41,336
I would have canceled my
plans with one of them,
293
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:42,859
but I was afraid
I'd get yelled at.
294
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,165
And what can I say?
295
00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:45,122
I'm afraid of women.
296
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:45,819
Let's get started.
297
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:54,262
OK, now, in a large
saucepan, we're
298
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:57,178
gonna combine our garlic,
olive oil, and Italian herbs.
299
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,701
Now, we're gonna
hold off on adding
300
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,661
the clams just yet because
my boss is allergic to clams.
301
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,924
We'll just be making
her a plain Alfredo.
302
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,361
Now, I know you're probably
saying to yourself,
303
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:09,277
I thought you had a date with
two sexy women, and I do.
304
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:11,540
One of those sexy
women is my boss,
305
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,238
and I'm actually hoping for
a big promotion and a raise
306
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,936
of at least $16,000.
307
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:18,460
So there's a lot
riding on this dish.
308
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,070
The other woman is
just a plain old
309
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:21,419
ex who I'm trying to win back.
310
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:22,420
Bam.
311
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,514
Now, when you're looking to
pull off two dates in one night,
312
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,125
you're gonna need
a few essentials.
313
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:34,650
A Chinese divider is a great
start to separate the rooms.
314
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,478
We have a romance
night over here
315
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,175
and a work night over here.
316
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,700
You're also gonna need at
least four plate settings.
317
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,049
I'm looking at you, bachelors.
318
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:46,488
Oh, someone's here.
319
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:47,707
Hello, Dan.
320
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,970
Ugh, it stinks
like clams in here.
321
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,233
Lisa, bellissima!
322
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:53,974
You're taping this?
323
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:56,498
Yes, we'll edit it out later.
324
00:11:56,628 --> 00:12:00,676
OK, look, we got your
raise request, and frankly--
325
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,808
Hello?
326
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,679
Uh, Heather, I
thought you were
327
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,289
gonna text before you came.
328
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:06,377
The door was open.
329
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:07,944
Dan, you said that
you were ready to give
330
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,904
me back my DVD player.
331
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,254
Bellissima, ladies,
please, both of you,
332
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:15,169
have some clam linguine.
333
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,040
Oh Jesus, no.
334
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,955
Damn it, you know
I'm allergic to clams.
335
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,957
Can we please talk
about this tomorrow?
336
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,351
The raise, in the actual office.
337
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:24,221
You hear that baby?
338
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,788
Great.
339
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,399
You're not giving me back
my DVD player, are you?
340
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:31,402
Lisa, before we play
hardball, close your eyes.
341
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,665
It'll be fun.
342
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,363
Just please, just
for sake of the show.
343
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:36,756
Fine, yes, mmhmm.
344
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:48,419
Mm, feel the stage
lights on your skin.
345
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:49,986
Warm, are they not?
346
00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:51,771
Perhaps they call
to mind an afternoon
347
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,208
spent under the Tuscan Sun.
348
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:56,601
Hey, what the-- are
you trying to kill me?
349
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,038
No, it's in the other dish.
350
00:12:58,168 --> 00:12:59,126
Oh, so you're
gonna try to kill me?
351
00:12:59,256 --> 00:12:59,996
No, the clams.
352
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:01,084
The clams are what killed her.
353
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:01,955
There's no clams.
354
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,739
Yeah, what is this then?
355
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:04,696
Wait, which plate is this?
356
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:07,656
OK, tomorrow, 9:00
AM in my office.
357
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,050
We will discuss this with HR.
358
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:10,920
You know what?
359
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,356
Don't ever text me again, Dan.
360
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,666
Heather, I up, OK?
361
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:24,368
Heather, Heather, I love you!
362
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:27,676
You know, us romantic guitar
men have a little saying.
363
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,201
In love, there are
but two-- no, no!
364
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,202
Ow!
365
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:46,129
I'm going to sue
you for $16,000.
366
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:46,826
Bam.
367
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:54,616
Hi!
368
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,574
Oh, Gina!
369
00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:57,532
I brought wine!
370
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:58,707
Oh, thank you.
371
00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,882
I'll take that, mwah.
372
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:01,188
Come in.
Come in.
373
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:02,537
I want to show you
the new kitchen.
374
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:03,581
Oh, I can't wait.
375
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,757
But first, got to
take your shoes off.
376
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,020
I'm sorry.
377
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:09,152
No problem.
378
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,372
Oh, also, also, could you
just take your pants off?
379
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:12,590
Thank you.
380
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,505
Just leave
them by the door!
381
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:17,465
Uh, it's actually
a bad day for that.
382
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,076
I'm trying things for
the first time, so--
383
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:23,427
Oh, well, we are
a pants-free house.
384
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,386
Yeah, I hope they work.
385
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:26,561
OK.
386
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:27,867
You too, you too.
387
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,571
Oh, Avery.
388
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:37,920
Wow, you guys have
really committed
389
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,314
to this no pants thing.
390
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:42,664
Well, we find being
pants free really helps
391
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,884
keep outside filth outside.
392
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,060
Yeah.
393
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,800
Oh, whoa, uh, your
cat just threw up.
394
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,193
Do you wanna clean that up?
395
00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:51,586
Um, no.
396
00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:56,156
We decided about six years ago
to stop cleaning the house.
397
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,331
Yeah.
398
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,899
You see, inside filth is fine.
399
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:02,249
Outside filth is disgusting.
400
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:05,034
We just shifted the burden
of hygiene under our guests.
401
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:08,559
Right, it is not
our responsibility
402
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,648
to keep our home clean.
403
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:13,869
It's yours.
404
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,785
Hana and I feel very
comfortable imposing our rules
405
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,134
on other people as
a means of dealing
406
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:20,876
with our irrational phobias.
407
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,835
Oh, yes, shummus?
408
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:24,706
It's so good.
409
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:25,794
I'm good for now, yeah.
410
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,274
Eat it!
411
00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,667
Oh, um, sorry, sorry,
sorry, in the hallway.
412
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:30,973
House rules.
413
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:32,235
Thank you.
414
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:35,195
I'm sorry about him, but
this is the main event.
415
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:36,544
This is the new kitchen.
416
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:37,806
Yes, finally.
417
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,851
New sink, new stove top.
418
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,985
The tiles are from
419
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:45,248
Hana took a very
hands-on role.
420
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:47,076
You see, it was important
to her that nothing
421
00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:48,643
was sourced problematically.
422
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,645
But you know, that's Hana.
423
00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,705
Wonderful party.
424
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:09,142
Must leave.
Oh.
425
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:10,012
Whoa!
426
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,187
Oh, is everything OK?
427
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,798
He has weeping sores
all over his legs!
428
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,322
That can't be sanitary.
429
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,063
Oh, Kenvali?
430
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,021
He's very clean.
431
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,632
His house, no pants, no undies.
432
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,505
Listen, Gina, this must
be all so alien to you.
433
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:27,987
I mean, I've seen you
wear shoes at your place.
434
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:28,944
Lomis?
435
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:30,206
Oh, Denali!
436
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:31,294
Lomis.
437
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:34,080
Look who finished
his rage therapy early.
438
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,431
You look fabulous
and jeanless big pants.
439
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:41,261
Dance, Denali, dance,
dance, dance in the pants!
440
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:43,741
Oh, Denali, Gina
here is on her period.
441
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:44,612
OK, I'm done.
442
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:45,482
I'm leaving.
443
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:46,396
Oh, so soon?
444
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:47,745
No.
445
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,530
You've barely even
touch the hummus.
446
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:50,487
Bye.
447
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,185
I miss Gina.
448
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:53,186
I miss Gina.
449
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,538
Don't worry, he's
not vaccinated.
450
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:58,408
Go ahead, everyone.
451
00:16:58,539 --> 00:16:59,105
Get a handful.
452
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,373
Hi, and welcome to "Cock
Tales" with Little Esther.
453
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,940
I'm Little Esther, and my
guest today standing at 5' 9
454
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:10,464
is Beth Stelling.
455
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,074
Welcome.
456
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:14,468
Just wanna feel at UTI.
457
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:17,993
So today's safe word is
Dance Dance Revolution.
458
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,386
Got it.
459
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:22,345
So like, if I said,
will you on my hand?
460
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,520
Yes.
461
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:24,695
Oh.
462
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,523
What were some of your
embarrassing adolescent
463
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:28,003
misconceptions about sex?
464
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,571
That it was pretty.
465
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:31,876
Oh, it's not pretty, is it?
466
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:33,356
It's not pretty, nuh-uh.
467
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:36,098
I do remember in health
class my teacher trying
468
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:37,621
to get that point across.
469
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:40,233
He's like, you don't think
about all the liquids.
470
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:41,495
There's the woman's liquids.
471
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:43,062
There's the man's liquids.
472
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:46,065
Liquids isn't my favorite
word when we talk about this,
473
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,763
but it's better for liquids
than no liquids, right?
474
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,157
I've slept with older
men who have come dust.
475
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:57,380
You know how guys like to
brag they can go all night?
476
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,600
How long do you think
sex should be, ideally?
477
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:00,905
15, 20 minutes.
478
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:03,125
Yeah, after that?
479
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,866
Let's go to Taco Bell.
480
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:06,563
Let's play turn on, turn off.
481
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,435
Guy who wears jewelry?
482
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:09,305
Off.
483
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,306
Silk sheets?
484
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:11,481
On.
485
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:12,569
On?
486
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,528
I'm gonna go off,
because it's like, wait,
487
00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:16,269
how many people have been here?
488
00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,532
One wrong movement,
and you're on the floor.
489
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:19,794
A goatee.
490
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:20,664
Off.
491
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:23,711
On his butt.
492
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:24,581
Still off.
493
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:25,800
OK.
494
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:26,714
I don't mind a
little hair, but--
495
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:27,976
Yeah, a little.
496
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,238
where's the
goatee on the butt?
497
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:30,152
Right at the base?
498
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,936
I don't want to
reveal too much.
499
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,025
I don't want you
to know who it is.
500
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:36,463
A bathroom with
his and her sinks?
501
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,160
On.
502
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:41,032
Yeah, it's like you were
waiting for me and I'm here.
503
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,643
Velour pants?
504
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:43,644
Off.
505
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,950
But dry humping
would be really easy.
506
00:18:46,081 --> 00:18:47,996
You'd know exactly where
you humped because it
507
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,433
would leave the brush up mark.
508
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,000
A tongue piercing?
509
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,262
Off.
510
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:56,178
I'm the right--
no, it's an off.
511
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:58,920
OK, so now it's time
to have a dirty talk
512
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:01,705
contest, which is
basically a staring contest
513
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:02,750
but with dirty talk.
514
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,230
Oh, eye contact
the whole time.
515
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,709
Yeah.
516
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:10,584
You are giving me
a dripping wet puss.
517
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:13,195
I won.
518
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:18,374
Your eyes set
my heart on fire.
519
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:19,245
Thank you.
520
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:21,986
You eyes are so pretty.
521
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:25,251
I just wanna jam my dick in 'em.
522
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:26,295
Thank you.
523
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:31,300
Your nipples-- yes.
524
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:34,260
So I'm writing an article for
Cosmo called "Don't Swallow--
525
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:36,000
Eight Uncommon Household
Uses for Semen."
526
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,524
Oh wow.
527
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:39,569
But I've only been
able to come up with six.
528
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,963
Do you think you could
help me with the last two?
529
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,573
Sure, hair gel--
530
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:44,966
Hair gel.
531
00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:47,055
and a facial mask
that would be peeled
532
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,056
off after laying in the sun.
533
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,405
- Deodorant.
- Perhaps.
534
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:50,363
Yeah.
535
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:51,668
Really seal in
the moisture there.
536
00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:53,061
Yeah.
537
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,976
Thank you so much
for being on my show,
538
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,543
and as a parting gift--
539
00:19:56,673 --> 00:19:57,718
Oh wow.
540
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:58,980
I offer you.
541
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:02,679
Oh wow.
542
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,073
They're vacuum-sealed
emergency underwear.
543
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,206
I made them myself.
544
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:08,511
You made these?
545
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,034
You know, sometimes, you'll
just be like, oh, that's
546
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:11,645
a little too wet for today.
547
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,647
Then you just pull
it out of your purse,
548
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:16,650
and put it on, and throw the
other ones in the garbage.
549
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:17,999
Thank you.
550
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:19,218
This is so thoughtful.
551
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:20,175
Thank you.
552
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:21,698
I know I'm already
gonna need more.
553
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:54,644
Are you wearing pajamas?
554
00:21:24,108 --> 00:21:26,720
Honey, of course I don't
have a favorite child.
555
00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:30,506
I love you and your
brother Tim equally.
556
00:21:30,637 --> 00:21:35,729
To me, your father is the
most handsome man in the world.
557
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,122
You are quite the
talented little artist.
558
00:21:38,253 --> 00:21:39,994
I-- I love how you made the--
559
00:21:40,124 --> 00:21:44,085
the cloud brown and
the rainbow brown.
560
00:21:44,215 --> 00:21:45,347
This is daddy's medicine.
561
00:21:48,872 --> 00:21:54,443
And then Jesus said,
everyone should get presents.
562
00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:57,490
Lots of kids your
age still pee the bed.
563
00:21:57,620 --> 00:21:58,839
The shitting is weird though.
564
00:22:01,798 --> 00:22:03,974
I went to prom by
myself so I'd have more
565
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,672
options on the dance floor.
566
00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:07,587
I'm sorry, sweetie, we
can't watch "Frozen" again
567
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:11,068
because burglars came
in and stole the DVD,
568
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:13,549
and they stole all the
copies from the store,
569
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,551
and they deleted it
off the internet.
570
00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:16,378
I'm so sorry.
571
00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:20,643
Daddy's real sick.
572
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,167
No career could be
as rewarding as staying
573
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:24,343
home and raising you.
574
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:30,261
When you grow up, there
won't be any more bullies.
575
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:32,438
Adults respect each other.
576
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:34,657
If you eat too much
sugar, you'll die.
577
00:22:34,788 --> 00:22:37,007
If you stay awake
too late, you'll die.
578
00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:39,488
If you ask me another
question, you'll die.
579
00:22:39,619 --> 00:22:40,707
Of course I believe in Santa.
580
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,535
Don't be silly.
581
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:44,406
How old are you again?
40259
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