Original subtitles

This just creates a really, like, smooth silhouette.

I mean, Spanx are great.

You just inhale and then suck everything in.

Yeah, and it's full body--

Stop, everyone, oh god, stop buying Spanx!

We were just in my apartment, and we thought

it'd be really funny to make Riley

here try out my girlfriend's Spanx, and we had no idea!

They're like boa constrictors.

My nuts are in my body now.

Wait, you just realized that?

What do you think they were for?

We thought it was, like, goofy underwear.

You guys wear tons of stuff we don't understand!

Yeah, how much is this garbage anyway, huh?

OK, no, no, no, no, no.

OK, this particular pair, sir, is $118.

Oh my.

I'm gonna throw up so.

You're telling me that the world only gives you

75% of what a man makes, and then

they force you to spend that money on nonsense like this?

Oh, I'm gonna scream.

You know, sometimes, I just wanna

take the patriarchy by the throat and just strangle it,

you know?

And I'm gonna just--

we're gonna show them, and they're gonna--

Those are indestructible.

Oh come on!

What do they make these things out of titanium?

Jesus!

Look, we just wear them so that our stuff, you know,

doesn't jiggle.

Oh .

No

The jiggly parts are our favorite parts.

OK, well, we do not wear Spanx for men, all right?

We wear these for ourselves.

I heard-- - That's not true.

That's not true.

No, it was like I could feel the lie coming out.

God, if I had my way, I'd just run around in a muumuu all day.

Ooh.

Free. Gotta have that.

Flowing.

We vow to fight anyone who tries

to cover up your boobies and butts with garbage

underwear like this.

Freedom for boobies.

Freedom for-- for butts.

Yeah, freedom for boobies.

No.

Freedom for butts.

There we go.

Freedom for boobies.

Freedom for butts.

No--

Freedom for boobies.

Freedom for butts.

Freedom!

Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, they make Spanx for men.

Ooh.

Oh that's one size fits most?

That's one size fits most.

We are most.

Can we go to the doctor now?

Hello, idiots, welcome to "the Idiot's

Guide to Smart People."

Today's episode is art and farts.

As an idiot, you would never click on a video about art,

so we've spiced it up with something

you'll always click on--

farts.

And it's a good pairing, because while art is the pinnacle

of a smart person's experience, the pinnacle of yours

is farting.

So if you ever wander into an art museum

or fart in front of a smart person,

here are some helpful tips.

In order to blend in at a museum,

walk up to any piece of art, and keep

nodding until you've counted to 11 seconds in your head.

Smart people are very conscious about how

long they look at art.

It needs to be long enough to touch their soul

but not so long that it looks like they don't get it.

It's kind of like when you fart at work.

You want it to be long enough to really enjoy that fart

but not so long that other people notice.

But just looking at art as a far cry

from the horrors of the art world.

The buying and selling of art is really

just one giant scam that profits off of smart people's

self-consciousness.

It's smart versus smart in a constant battle

of who's rich enough to be the most cultured.

Why?

Well, think of how impressed you are by an incredibly long fart.

That's how smart people feel about incredibly expensive art.

There are certain artists that smart people just can't resist,

just like you can't resist farting

on a sleeping person's face.

Andy Warhol was a prolific artist whose biggest

contribution to the art world was letting artists

know how they should dress.

Salvador Dali is a beloved surrealist painter whose work

is now reserved for the walls of college kids, the most

pathetic art gallery of all.

But a smart person's favorite artist is any artist they

think you haven't heard of.

For example, few people realize van Gogh stole his style

from Thibedus Gleeson.

Who is Thibedus Gleeson?

He's an artist who just gave smart people heart attacks

because I made him up, and for a few seconds,

they thought they didn't know something about art.

Fun fact, during a heart attack, you

lose control over your butthole, giving you a fart attack.

Now as a special treat for being so attentive,

idiot, here is actual art that you and smart people

can both enjoy--

fart art.

Hundreds of years ago, Japanese artists

crafted these beautiful fart battles, which is the best

phrase I have ever said.

In conclusion, smart people's art

is just as important as your idiot farts, so keep tooting

and never fall asleep.

Toot-toot.

Whenever anyone tells me to go fly a kite,

I take it as a well wish because flying kites is fun and nice.

I don't think anyone says that.

Ever go take a hike, but from, like, my great uncle,

and he's, like, 235 years old.

Hikes are also nice.

Uh, who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Brian.

I-- I did it.

And this is--

I didn't get your name, actually.

Nifkt.

I didn't do it, but I just fill in for the police lineup stuff

when the regulars call out.

Welcome aboard.

Right, uh, where's Steve?

Hey, guys, it's me.

It's me, Steve.

- Oh, hey, Steve. - Steve!

- Steve, hi. - Steve!

What are you doing in there?

I got mugged.

What was that?

Mugged, I got mugged.

A mugger mugged me!

A mugger mugged you?

Sorry about doing that.

I just-- I want money from you.

This guy mugged you?

Yeah, it hurt.

It hurt.

The skinny wittle guy mugged you?

He's a lot stronger than he looks.

I am not that strong.

Give me a break.

It was scary.

All right, suspect 1, you ready to get

mugged by a skinny guy?

Oh man, Steve.

He's very, very threatening!

Number 2?

Are you ready to get mugged by a skinny guy?

Why didn't you run away, Steve?

I dare you.

He's really fast!

I'm not fast.

I get cramps.

Number 3?

Uh, you ready to get mugged by a skinny guy?

When did you get money, Steve?

Oh, he, uh-- he didn't.

He didn't have any money.

It was a total waste of a mug.

Oh my god, you can't even get mugged right.

Shut up, Kevin.

Number 4?

You ready to get mugged by a skinny guy?

Number 5?

Watch and learn, Foot Frozos.

Foot Bozos.

Uh, is-- are you ready to get readying-- ready--

ready to get mugged by a, um--

Wow he is horrid.

By a tinny guy? Right?

That's--

Steve, I want you to know this is by far the worst lineup I've

ever been a part of, and it's definitely all your fault.

I hope you're embarrassed.

Hey!

Oh, look at me, I'm gonna mug you!

I'm gonna mug you!

My voice does sound that squeaky.

Oh, my name is Steve, and I'm gonna

get mugged by a skinny guy!

Mug, mug mug!

I didn't-- I didn't fart during the mugging.

That's him, officer, number 3.

Oh, I'm Steve, but I don't have any money--

OK, OK, Steve, you know, I'm just joking.

Come on, tell them it wasn't me. - That's the one.

He's the one that mugged me, and now he's making time.

They're roughing me up a little more than usual.

You're going away for a long time, buddy!

I won't survive in prison, OK?

You brought him down.

I'm too pretty!

I'm too pretty!

Case closed.

Hey, Steve, what's it like in there?

It's great.

They have popcorn and ice cream!

- Are you serious? - They've got ice cream?

Dude, you have ice cream for real?

You've got ice cream?

Waffle cones?

You're right, I need to call him to get closure.

Yeah, do it.

I mean, he dumped you, but like, you dumped him emotionally.

Yeah, you're right.

OK, OK, he's ringing.

Hey, asshole, I'm at the club with Brigitte,

and we are having so much fun.

Yeah, she just touched a guy's dick through his pants.

Yeah, I totally did that, so consider me over you.

Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

You did it.

Wait, I don't feel, like, better, Bridge.

Well, that's because you need another drink.

No, I think that was a really bad idea.

Because it was.

Hi, I'm Olivia Pope.

I don't mean to cause a rift or anything,

but you did not help yourself.

Let me guess, you broke up less than three months ago.

How did you know?

You called him an asshole.

if the wound wasn't so fresh, you wouldn't

have been so openly hostile.

But what do I do?

First of all, you've got to get rid of your phone.

Disconnect yourself from it completely.

What?

OK, now we have to spin this.

We've got to make him question his reality.

Oh, you mean like make him think it was all a dream?

Hi, my name is--

No, thank you.

My friend, however, thinks you're really cute.

I'm David.

I'm Lindsay.

What are you doing?

Nothing, you are.

I just sent that picture to your phone.

What?

How did you get my phone number?

Don't worry about it.

Now, you need to post that on Instagram ASAP, OK?

Caption it, "night out with my BFF and her BF.

Hashtag it #lovez with a z.

Now, you couldn't possibly have called your ex crying when

you were out with another guy.

OMG, yes, and everyone we know will see the pic.

I'll update my Facebook status to say I lost

my phone, like, four hours ago.

You are brillz.

Um, do you just go to bars looking for people to help?

No, you two helped me.

Tell the senator it's handled.

Ciao, amici.

I'm Dan Chamberlain, and today we're

going to be making a creamy clam linguine for

a romantic Italian dinner, bam.

All you're gonna need is pasta, garlic, butter,

Italian herbs, olive oil, white wine,

and of course, minced clams.

Oh, it stinks.

Now, we're actually going to be making enough pasta for four,

because tonight I have two different dates

with two different sexy women.

I would have canceled my plans with one of them,

but I was afraid I'd get yelled at.

And what can I say?

I'm afraid of women.

Let's get started.

OK, now, in a large saucepan, we're

gonna combine our garlic, olive oil, and Italian herbs.

Now, we're gonna hold off on adding

the clams just yet because my boss is allergic to clams.

We'll just be making her a plain Alfredo.

Now, I know you're probably saying to yourself,

I thought you had a date with two sexy women, and I do.

One of those sexy women is my boss,

and I'm actually hoping for a big promotion and a raise

of at least $16,000.

So there's a lot riding on this dish.

The other woman is just a plain old

ex who I'm trying to win back.

Bam.

Now, when you're looking to pull off two dates in one night,

you're gonna need a few essentials.

A Chinese divider is a great start to separate the rooms.

We have a romance night over here

and a work night over here.

You're also gonna need at least four plate settings.

I'm looking at you, bachelors.

Oh, someone's here.

Hello, Dan.

Ugh, it stinks like clams in here.

Lisa, bellissima!

You're taping this?

Yes, we'll edit it out later.

OK, look, we got your raise request, and frankly--

Hello?

Uh, Heather, I thought you were

gonna text before you came.

The door was open.

Dan, you said that you were ready to give

me back my DVD player.

Bellissima, ladies, please, both of you,

have some clam linguine.

Oh Jesus, no.

Damn it, you know I'm allergic to clams.

Can we please talk about this tomorrow?

The raise, in the actual office.

You hear that baby?

Great.

You're not giving me back my DVD player, are you?

Lisa, before we play hardball, close your eyes.

It'll be fun.

Just please, just for sake of the show.

Fine, yes, mmhmm.

Mm, feel the stage lights on your skin.

Warm, are they not?

Perhaps they call to mind an afternoon

spent under the Tuscan Sun.

Hey, what the-- are you trying to kill me?

No, it's in the other dish.

Oh, so you're gonna try to kill me?

No, the clams.

The clams are what killed her.

There's no clams.

Yeah, what is this then?

Wait, which plate is this?

OK, tomorrow, 9:00 AM in my office.

We will discuss this with HR.

You know what?

Don't ever text me again, Dan.

Heather, I up, OK?

Heather, Heather, I love you!

You know, us romantic guitar men have a little saying.

In love, there are but two-- no, no!

Ow!

I'm going to sue you for $16,000.

Bam.

Hi!

Oh, Gina!

I brought wine!

Oh, thank you.

I'll take that, mwah.

Come in. Come in.

I want to show you the new kitchen.

Oh, I can't wait.

But first, got to take your shoes off.

I'm sorry.

No problem.

Oh, also, also, could you just take your pants off?

Thank you.

Just leave them by the door!

Uh, it's actually a bad day for that.

I'm trying things for the first time, so--

Oh, well, we are a pants-free house.

Yeah, I hope they work.

OK.

You too, you too.

Oh, Avery.

Wow, you guys have really committed

to this no pants thing.

Well, we find being pants free really helps

keep outside filth outside.

Yeah.

Oh, whoa, uh, your cat just threw up.

Do you wanna clean that up?

Um, no.

We decided about six years ago to stop cleaning the house.

Yeah.

You see, inside filth is fine.

Outside filth is disgusting.

We just shifted the burden of hygiene under our guests.

Right, it is not our responsibility

to keep our home clean.

It's yours.

Hana and I feel very comfortable imposing our rules

on other people as a means of dealing

with our irrational phobias.

Oh, yes, shummus?

It's so good.

I'm good for now, yeah.

Eat it!

Oh, um, sorry, sorry, sorry, in the hallway.

House rules.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about him, but this is the main event.

This is the new kitchen.

Yes, finally.

New sink, new stove top.

The tiles are from

Hana took a very hands-on role.

You see, it was important to her that nothing

was sourced problematically.

But you know, that's Hana.

Wonderful party.

Must leave. Oh.

Whoa!

Oh, is everything OK?

He has weeping sores all over his legs!

That can't be sanitary.

Oh, Kenvali?

He's very clean.

His house, no pants, no undies.

Listen, Gina, this must be all so alien to you.

I mean, I've seen you wear shoes at your place.

Lomis?

Oh, Denali!

Lomis.

Look who finished his rage therapy early.

You look fabulous and jeanless big pants.

Dance, Denali, dance, dance, dance in the pants!

Oh, Denali, Gina here is on her period.

OK, I'm done.

I'm leaving.

Oh, so soon?

No.

You've barely even touch the hummus.

Bye.

I miss Gina.

I miss Gina.

Don't worry, he's not vaccinated.

Go ahead, everyone.

Get a handful.

Hi, and welcome to "Cock Tales" with Little Esther.

I'm Little Esther, and my guest today standing at 5' 9

is Beth Stelling.

Welcome.

Just wanna feel at UTI.

So today's safe word is Dance Dance Revolution.

Got it.

So like, if I said, will you on my hand?

Yes.

Oh.

What were some of your embarrassing adolescent

misconceptions about sex?

That it was pretty.

Oh, it's not pretty, is it?

It's not pretty, nuh-uh.

I do remember in health class my teacher trying

to get that point across.

He's like, you don't think about all the liquids.

There's the woman's liquids.

There's the man's liquids.

Liquids isn't my favorite word when we talk about this,

but it's better for liquids than no liquids, right?

I've slept with older men who have come dust.

You know how guys like to brag they can go all night?

How long do you think sex should be, ideally?

15, 20 minutes.

Yeah, after that?

Let's go to Taco Bell.

Let's play turn on, turn off.

Guy who wears jewelry?

Off.

Silk sheets?

On.

On?

I'm gonna go off, because it's like, wait,

how many people have been here?

One wrong movement, and you're on the floor.

A goatee.

Off.

On his butt.

Still off.

OK.

I don't mind a little hair, but--

Yeah, a little.

where's the goatee on the butt?

Right at the base?

I don't want to reveal too much.

I don't want you to know who it is.

A bathroom with his and her sinks?

On.

Yeah, it's like you were waiting for me and I'm here.

Velour pants?

Off.

But dry humping would be really easy.

You'd know exactly where you humped because it

would leave the brush up mark.

A tongue piercing?

Off.

I'm the right-- no, it's an off.

OK, so now it's time to have a dirty talk

contest, which is basically a staring contest

but with dirty talk.

Oh, eye contact the whole time.

Yeah.

You are giving me a dripping wet puss.

I won.

Your eyes set my heart on fire.

Thank you.

You eyes are so pretty.

I just wanna jam my dick in 'em.

Thank you.

Your nipples-- yes.

So I'm writing an article for Cosmo called "Don't Swallow--

Eight Uncommon Household Uses for Semen."

Oh wow.

But I've only been able to come up with six.

Do you think you could help me with the last two?

Sure, hair gel--

Hair gel.

and a facial mask that would be peeled

off after laying in the sun.

- Deodorant. - Perhaps.

Yeah.

Really seal in the moisture there.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for being on my show,

and as a parting gift--

Oh wow.

I offer you.

Oh wow.

They're vacuum-sealed emergency underwear.

I made them myself.

You made these?

You know, sometimes, you'll just be like, oh, that's

a little too wet for today.

Then you just pull it out of your purse,

and put it on, and throw the other ones in the garbage.

Thank you.

This is so thoughtful.

Thank you.

I know I'm already gonna need more.

Are you wearing pajamas?

Honey, of course I don't have a favorite child.

I love you and your brother Tim equally.

To me, your father is the most handsome man in the world.

You are quite the talented little artist.

I-- I love how you made the--

the cloud brown and the rainbow brown.

This is daddy's medicine.

And then Jesus said, everyone should get presents.

Lots of kids your age still pee the bed.

The shitting is weird though.

I went to prom by myself so I'd have more

options on the dance floor.

I'm sorry, sweetie, we can't watch "Frozen" again

because burglars came in and stole the DVD,

and they stole all the copies from the store,

and they deleted it off the internet.

I'm so sorry.

Daddy's real sick.

No career could be as rewarding as staying

home and raising you.

When you grow up, there won't be any more bullies.

Adults respect each other.

If you eat too much sugar, you'll die.

If you stay awake too late, you'll die.

If you ask me another question, you'll die.

Of course I believe in Santa.

Don't be silly.

How old are you again?